Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep 41
Is My Wife or Partner a Narcissist: Understanding Female Narcissism in Relationship
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Is My Wife or Partner a Narcissist: Understanding Female Narcissism in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
So there’s been a lot of talk about narcissism the past few years. The diagnosis is technically called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or NPD). The media makes it seem like narcissism is quite prevalent the way it’s depicted. It’s actually a pretty small percentage of those officially diagnosed with NPD (notice I said officially). And you know, stereotypically, when we think of a narcissist, we think of a man, right? Research actually backs this up.
It says in the general population, men are about 2 times as likely to be diagnosed with than women. Research suggests that it is around 0.5% to 1% for women and about 2% to 3% for men who are diagnosed with NPD. Now, even though there is only one diagnosis for NPD, it might be helpful to understand that there are different subtypes of narcissism.
Like, grandiose narcissism (which would include characteristics of boldness, arrogance, feeling entitled, and being exploitive). Then there’s vulnerable narcissism (which characterized by defensiveness and hypersensitivity, and self-absorption). There’s research that says that men are more likely to show signs of grandiose narcissism, while women may show more signs of vulnerable narcissism.
And this was the case in Nick’s story. Nick (not his real name) had been with his partner Nita (not her real name) for about 3 years. Nick was supportive and really cared for Nita. She was a sensitive soul and an amazing artist. Nick appreciated her sensitivity and was impressed with her talent. However, their relationship had gotten to the point where, Nita's sensitivity and behavior was taking its toll on the relationship.
For example, one day, Nick just happened to make an innocent/well-meaning comment to Nita about adding more color to one of her paintings. Well, Nita lost it. She thought Nick was being too critical instead of appreciating her painting, even though Nita always asked for feedback. Well, this turned into a big argument, where Nick ended up feeling frustrated and totally misunderstood. From that point on, Nick felt like he had to walk on eggshells as to not upset Nita, which created distance.
When Nick would try to talk about issues he had with their relationship, Nita would get defensive and always put the blame on him. Like when he said something about wanting to go out with their friends and socialize more, Nita shot back and accused Nick of not understanding that she needed alone time, and that it was his problem. Nick felt that Nita didn’t get where he was coming from, basically feeling unheard. And Nita started to withdraw more socially.
Also, Nita tended to be full of self-doubt, whether it was her artwork, her looks, the relationship or whatever. And no matter how much Nick would reassure her it didn’t seem to help. As a matter of fact she would breakdown or have episodes of depression.
Like the time after a minor disagreement, Nita broke down, saying she wasn't worthy of love and that Nick deserved someone better. Nick ended up having to console her. Over time this constant consoling was very draining for him, you know, always feeling like he had to take care of her.
Another issue was that Nita was often envious of Nick’s success at work. He would get a promotion and instead of being happy for him, she would see it as him taking more time away from her.
Nita's perfectionism was also a problem. She put a lot of pressure on herself and Nick to be flawless. She would expect everything to be perfect and would be disappointed when it wasn’t. Like, when she spent a lot of time preparing for a dinner party and was really stressed about it. And when it didn’t go as she wanted, she had a temper tantrum and blamed Nick for not helping out enough. It got to the point where Nick felt damned if he did and damned if he didn’t, and it was starting to get to him mentally and emotionally.
He finally drew the line in the sand with Nita, and gave her an ultimatum to get help. And surprisingly, she agreed to go to therapy thinking that she would see how Nick was the problem. After a psychological evaluation, she was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Hearing this, Nita lost it and said that the therapist was full of shit.
Well, even though Nick still loved Nita, he realized that with her denial of her mental health state, and him putting her needs in front of his, that it was too much for his mental health, and he made the tough decision to leave.
After the break up, Nick went to therapy himself. He also reached out to me to work on being better in relationship. He was able to see his part in the toxic dynamic of his relationship with Nita.
- Being away from the relationship, Nick was able to see clearly how the patterns of Nita's behavior that were harmful.
- We worked on ways to set more healthy boundaries.
- He learned mindful communication strategies to be able to communicate his boundaries and what he needed more effectively.
- And most importantly, I think, was embracing self-compassion for all that he had been through. This helped to rebuild his self-esteem and self-confidence.
All Nick really needed was some support and guidance so he could move forward. He now had a better sense of himself, and more understanding of what he needed to do and what he wanted in his next relationship, one with mutual respect with positive mental and emotional health. Nick made a lifetime commitment to his personal growth.
So in Nick’s story, you saw a classic example of how narcissism can show up in women and its impact on relationship. Just to review, the signs that Nita exhibited included: Hypersensitivity to criticism; Defensiveness; Feelings of Inadequacy; Resentment and Envy; Social Withdrawal; and Perfectionism.
And I can’t stress enough that these are characteristics anyone can have, and I caution you not to try to diagnose your spouse or partner. That is not your job. You may see these characteristic as red flags, or concerns. And there are other characteristic as well. I recommend you seeking professional help in navigating any of these signs in your relationship.
I’d like to close this episode with a quote from author and self-compassion expert, Dr Kristin Neff who I had the pleasure of attending one of her workshops, she says, “Compassion for the narcissist's wounded self can help you let go, but self-compassion is what truly sets you free.” Thank you Kristin.
And that will wrap up another episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Is My Wife or Partner a Narcissist: Understanding Female Narcissism in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, thank you for taking the time to listen.
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I’ve got a BONUS episode, How to Become The Complete Man: A Conversation with award-winning author Purdeep Sangha. He wrote the book The Complete Man. He is also a strategist for fusinessmen and the host of the TV show for entrepreneurs called "Mind Your Own Business.”
Now, if you have a topic you’d like for me to cover, or an issue in your relationship you need help with, or just want to connect, simply visit my website at menonthepathtolove.com where you can email me, hit me up on whatsapp, or set up a free discovery call. Once again, that’s menonthepathtolove.com where you can also download my free Cheat Sheet, 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship.
And if you know someone who think might get something out of listening to this podcast, please share the link with a friend, social media or wherever, and share the love.
And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.