Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep 44
Content vs Process: It’s Not Just What You Say It’s How You Say It
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Content vs Process: It’s Not Just What You Say It’s How You Say It, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
So, content vs process, what’s that all about you may ask. Well, it’s a concept I learned a long time that really changed the way I communicate. I think the best way to explain is that the Content is ‘what’ you say and the Process is the ‘how’ you say it. To take it bit deeper, content is the actual information, words, or topics being talked about, while "process" is the way the communication happens, which includes the tone, behavior, dynamics, and most importantly, the underlying emotions.
Let me give you a couple of examples. Have you ever been in a situation where you ask someone you know is going through something, and they look all distressed and what not, and when you ask them what’s wrong, they respond by sharply saying, “nothing.” Well, the content or the ‘what’ of the answer is ‘nothing’ which by itself is ok, right? But the process or the ‘how’, is the tone and with the body language looking distressed. The tone and body language don’t match the answer. And you know damn well it’s not ‘nothing.’
Another example I use a lot is say someone compliments you on something you’re wearing. Saying “I really like your shoes” (the content) yet the person saying it looks like he smelled a fart while saying it (that’s the process). It does not compute, it doesn’t match what they’re saying. It creates a disconnect in the interaction. You’re like, that sound like a compliment but something doesn’t feel right. And maybe when you say something about it, they respond saying, “I told you I really like your shoes.” Yeah, the content says that but your face says something else.
I hope you’re starting to get this because so many times we can get can all caught up in the content of what someone said and totally miss the process. And you end up arguing over the content (which you can do all night without resolve) and not get to what the process is doing to the dynamic of the interaction.
When I learned about this concept years ago, there was something that one of my mentors said that I never forgot, she said “I don’t care what people say, I don’t care what they do, I care about how they make me feel.” The ‘how they make me feel’ is the process. It’s about trusting how you feel vs getting stuck in the words, or even their actions. In other words, the content.
This brings me Sam and Serena’s story (not their real names) and how understanding this concept was a game-changer for their marriage. Sam and Serena had been married a little over five years. They loved each other very much and overall their marriage was pretty good. There was one thing that kept coming up that was causing problems in their relationship and that was an issue in how they communicated. Sam would often focus on the content of their conversations, ‘the what’, and he would totally miss the process, the ‘how’ or what was underneath the content emotionally, that Serena would pick up on. And this ultimately led to a lot of misunderstandings and frustrations and it was weighing on their marriage.
I’ll give you a few examples. One was when Sam forgot the grocery list when he went shopping. And when Serena pointed out that he forgot the list and some of the groceries again. Sam would say “But I remembered to get the milk you wanted.” Now, the content was that he forgot the list, right? And the process was that Sam was defensive and focused on what he did partly right. This left Serena feeling unheard and that her needs were being ignored.
Then the argument would be Serena saying something like "You always forget the things that matter to me."and Sam firing back, "I didn’t forget everything. Why can’t you appreciate what did get remember.” So the real problem was Sam totally missed Serena’s point and the emotional impact of his forgetfulness had on Serena. She felt unimportant, while he stayed stuck on what he did accomplish.
Another example was an ongoing issue around picking up their daughter from kindergarten. The night before, Serena asked Sam if he could pick up their daughter and he said that he couldn’t because he had an important meeting. Here, the content was the need of having their daughter picked up. The process was that in how Sam responded. Serena didn’t feel supported, and that her needs were not as important. Again, Sam’s focus was on being defense instead of acknowledging Serena’s experience, saying "It’s just one meeting. Why are you making it such a big deal?"
In this example, the problem was Sam not being able see that Serena needed support, and wanted the two of them to be able to work together in managing the family responsibilities, which left her feeling alone and overwhelmed with it all. Then the argument would be Serena claiming that Sam never puts the family first.
Now, the one that really shook the marriage was one Friday when Serena had had a long week and was looking forward to the weekend to relax with Sam and their daughter. When Serena brought up the weekend, Sam tells her he’s going to play golf both days because the weather is supposed to be nice. Feeling all alone, Serena got livid, and broke down and cried. She told Sam that he never makes time for the family and that she couldn’t take it any more. And once again, Sam got defense and totally missed the point, and was like "That’s not true. We just went out last week."
The content was Sam doesn’t make time for the family. The process was him being defensive instead of acknowledging Serena’s experience of having very strong feelings of loneliness and neglect. Sam focused on one small event instead of seeing the big picture. And the fight was Serena telling Sam "You’re missing the point. It’s about feeling connected, not just going out.” Sam would pump out his chest and be like "I’m doing my best. Why can’t you see that?"
Well, this time the argument had gotten to the point where Serena was ready to leave. Repeatedly not feeling heard, and frankly, not feeling loved. The fact that Sam couldn’t see the loss of the emotional connection in their marriage, just broke her heart. She loved Sam and all but it had gotten to the point where she threatened Sam with divorce. This was the last thing he wanted, so he found me through a friend and asked for help.
From Sam’s perspective, it seemed like Serena had the issue, that she couldn’t see that Sam was really trying and that she wouldn’t give him credit for it. After a few sessions with Sam, he had asked if he could include Serena in one of our sessions. I agreed and she joined us for the next session. I could tell that Serena really loved Sam yet she was struggling. When I got her perspective on things, it was pretty clear that there was a communication issue.
I explained to them about content vs process. I told Sam that he was focused on the “what” and that he was missing the “how.” Serena got it right away, and Sam sort of got it. So we spent the next few sessions with the two of us doing some exercises to really help drive the point home for Sam.
One of the exercises I love to do with my clients because really works, is role-playing. He would play the role of Serena and I would play him so he would see how I would use empathy to respond to Serena’s emotional cues, saying something like “I can see that you feel hurt and neglected, let’s figure out a way to spend more quality time together,” that kind of thing. Then we would switch roles where I would play Serena and he could practice his responses, and I would give him feedback as Serena, right?
Over a short period of time, Sam learned how to actively listen to Serena and recognize her needs and notice her emotional cues. And to ask for clarity if he wasn’t sure. He learned how to validate her feelings and experiences whether he felt she was right or wrong, instead of being dismissive. And in learning how to respond with empathy, he was able understand the “how” he said it, you know, being aware of his tone and body language, which made all the difference.
With this newfound awareness, and lots of practice, Sam went to Serena with a sincere apology, saying that he realized that he had been focusing too much on the facts, the ‘what’s, and not enough on the ‘how’ she was feeling. And that he was sorry for not understanding her better.
Serena was really touched by Sam’s apology and could see a difference in him. And she was able to see her own part in how their communication broke down, and that she had gotten caught up in the content at times too, and missed the ‘how’ or emotional impact behind Sam’s words. They both agreed that the needed to be more aware of how they communicated, not just what they were saying. By learning to see beyond the words and understand the emotions and processes that were playing out, Sam and Serena transformed their relationship, finding a deeper sense of empathy, trust, intimacy, and of course, their love for each other.
So, I hope this concept of content vs process is starting to sink in. Self-awareness plays a big part in not getting caught up in it. Making sure you get clarity if the words and behavior, tone and body language don’t match. And trust your instincts if the content does not match the process. Your instinct, intuition or even your body’s response is telling you something when it doesn’t match.
Pay attention and get clarity until it feels right. Don’t get caught up in your head with the content. Trust the process and how it makes you feel. And get clarity, listen, and make sure you feel seen and heard (and vice versa). It can help save a lot of endless arguing. It just might save your relationship like it did for Sam and Serena.
I’m going to close out this episode with a quote from Maya Angelou, which is similar to what my mentor said, she says “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” You got that right!
And that will do it for this episode, the final episode of Season 2 of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Content vs Process: It’s Not Just What You Say It’s How You Say It, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. Thanks for listening and thanks for another season of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. It’s been a blast. I will be taking a brief hiatus and then return with Season 3 before you know it. I’ve got some new things in store for the new season.
And if you have any ideas on how I can improve the podcast to make it a better experience for you, I would love to hear from you. You can email me through my website menonthepathtolove.com. While you’re there, you might as well download my free cheat sheet 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. And hopefully after listening to this episode, you can see how important having good communication skills is in relationship. You can get that download at menonthepathtolove.com.
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And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love!