Men On The Path To Love Podcast
S3 Ep1
Change is Easy
Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast season 3! The Change is Easy episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship, and men who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it, and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love!
Over the past two seasons I’ve mentioned over and over about how hard change is. It certainly can be. And our brain just naturally resists change which makes it even harder. Well, I was made aware of something recently that really stood out when I was on a coaching call. My coach said change isn’t hard, change is easy. It’s our attitude about change that makes it hard.
I thought about for a minute and I was like yeah. I get it. In thinking about my own journey on the path to love, once I made the commitment to change, it was fairly easy. Now, I’m not going to lie, there was a lot of hard work involved, yet the change came easy because I wanted to change. The old way just wasn’t working. In hindsight, the hard work was so worth it in order for me to be where I am today in my marriage, and in my life!
This brings me to Alan’s story. Alan (not his real name) was a regular client of mine. He was a tough cookie. I mean he resisted change some kind of fierce. Each week he would say how much he needed to change. He would tell me all the things he was doing wrong and how fucked up his life was. And after he would finish telling me his stories of the week, I would ask him “so what are you willing to do or not to do to make your life better.”
He knew the routine so well that he would tell me all the things that he could do that we had worked on in the past. He knew what he had to do. So, he would set a goal for the following week and like clockwork, he would come back and report that he didn’t even attempt the goal we had set. And again, he had a whole list of stories to tell me about all the things he did wrong the previous week.
At times I would get a glimmer of hope that he would make a change knowing that some people take longer to change than others. I’m always rooting for my clients, because we all have the potential to change, right? Hell, if I did it, anyone can do it.
Anyway…this whole routine with Alan went on for some time. Then one day he came in and said that he was on the verge of losing his girlfriend at the time, and that he had to make some changes quickly. And I was like “ok.” And I’ll never forget it, he said “I really do what to change Bill but change is so hard for me.”
I supported him in that change can be hard. I asked him why was it so hard for him, he said he didn’t know. He said that he knew all the stuff I was coaching him to do, and I interrupted him and said that he knew about it. That if he really knew it, he would do it. He just wouldn’t do it. I told him that it was his mindset that was making it hard. I asked him, “what if you wanted to change so badly that you welcomed with open arms and an open mind, all the hard work to make it happen?” He was like but I do want to change, I just get stuck when it comes to doing the work.”
So I told him that he didn’t really want to change. Because if he did, he would do the work to make the change. It’s just that simple. There are two quotes that I use a lot in my practice and that is “Nothing happens until you commit” and the other is “You can tell what you are committed to by what you’re doing or not doing.” And when I shared this with Alan, he was like “I’m committed to not doing shit.” That’s when the lightbulb went on for him. He looked at me straight in the eye and said “Bill, I’m ready to make the change…I really mean it this time.”
I acknowledged him for what he said and I could see a definite shift in him, like he really did mean it. So I asked him what was different this time. He responded quickly and said that he didn’t want to lose his girlfriend Alana (not her real name). And I said that I understood that she was the motivation for him wanting change and that was all good and well. I then asked him if he wasn’t in a relationship with Alana (or anyone for that matter) would he still want to change. His immediate response was “probably not.”
I appreciated his honesty and I told him straight up that changing just for her and not himself, that in the long run it more than likely wouldn’t work out. I said that it was ok to want to change for her but that first and foremost, he had to want to change for himself. Alan was like, you’re right. It was a real come to Jesus moment for him. He made the realization that he had to make the change for himself.
Part of that realization was him reflecting that for most of his life all he heard was that he was lazy and wasn’t going to amount to anything. He would get feedback from girlfriends saying the same things about him. He wondered why he kept finding the same type of women and would put the blame on them, not seeing his part in his resistance to change. When I pointed that out to him, he finally got it.
That was the first step in Alan’s process of change. He acknowledged his part and accepted himself. Now he was ready. For me, it was like, he’s finally coachable. He was ready to trust the process and be coachable which made all the difference in order to help him change.
And change he did. He even said it was a lot easier when he took action to change rather than staying in his old pattern of procrastinating or paralysis. Being paralyzed or stuck was his fear and the comfort of his old patterns.
Alan stepped out of his fear and his comfort zone. He really showed up and did the work. And he did the work with a sense of gratitude, humility and curiosity. He actually broke up with Alana because he knew she wasn’t right for him, the new him he wanted to be. Over time, Alan’s new identity and confidence grew. He embraced change and personal growth and saw it as an ongoing process for the rest of his life. He was committed for real. Alan went on to find the love of his life, got married and is doing really well living the life he loves.
Yeah, so in Alan’s case he went from total resistance to change, and seeing change as hard, to deciding to commit to change and seeing the ease in the process. It’s all about having the right mindset. If you think change is hard, then it will be hard for sure. If you want to change and are committed to change, then it will come much easier. And when the work gets hard or there are obstacles or challenges to change, see them as opportunities for growth rather than failures. This keeps you from getting stuck and allows you to continue to move forward.
What also helps with any kind of change whether it’s in your relationship or anything else, is having a coach or mentor. If you’ve ever had a personal trainer, you know that you make much more progress with a trainer than by yourself. The same is true for a coach.
As a coach myself, I have a coach. It’s a big part of my continued growth. When I try to commit on my own, it’s much harder to stay committed. With the support of a coach, change comes a lot easier and quicker. My coach is my accountability partner and he helps to keep me motivated and focused on my goals, and changes I want to make in my life. So just know if you’re looking to make a change for you and your relationship, that I am here for you.
Here’s a quote about change from author and lecturer Alan Watts from back in the day, he says "The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” Yeah, commit to it and enjoy the change…it makes change easy!
And on that note, I will close this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Change is Easy episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, thanks for listening!
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, it’s a BONUS episode, you’ll hear my conversation with Chase Warburton, this is a guy who experienced addiction at the early age of 8 and by age 10 made his first attempt at suicide. As a survivor of an 18-year-long battle with addiction, Chase has transformed his life to rise above his adversities and found success as an entrepreneur. His transformation is truly inspiring. Talk about change man…whew! Please join me for the Rising Above Addiction with Chase Warburton, episode.
Now, if you have a topic or idea you’d like me to cover, anything going on in your relationship that you need help with please email me at bill@menonthepathtolove.com or go to my website at menonthepathtolove.com. You can download my free cheat sheet 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. You can also sign up for a free coaching session on how to communicate better in relationship, that’s menonthepathtolove.com.
And I would absolutely love it and appreciate it if you would spread the word about my podcast. Tell a friend and feel free to post it on your social media. Share the link and share the love.
And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.