133: Breaking the Supermom Myth: Embracing Imperfection and Letting Go of Control
Jul 10, 2023Episode 133
Crystal Wagner
Are you worn out from trying to be supermom? Have you been striving for perfection, only to find it's an impossible goal? It's time for a change. This episode is your wake-up call. It's time to burst the supermom myth, let go of control, and embrace the power of imperfection. We're discussing the liberating truth that our role isn't to be the superhero who saves the day, but the Yoda who guides our children through the galaxy of life. You just might find that embracing imperfection and letting go of control are the keys to a happier, healthier you and a more peaceful, more resilient family.
Are you worn out from trying to be supermom? Have you been striving for perfection, only to find it's an impossible goal? It's time for a change. This episode is your wake-up call. It's time to burst the supermom myth, let go of control, and embrace the power of imperfection. We're discussing the liberating truth that our role isn't to be the superhero who saves the day, but the Yoda who guides our children through the galaxy of life. You just might find that embracing imperfection and letting go of control are the keys to a happier, healthier you and a more peaceful, more resilient family.
It can be difficult to let go of control. We want the best for our children and we want to minimize the chaos in our homes, but we can't control everything. We have to let go of the pressure to be supermom and accept that you cannot control the outcome of your children's success. Having just graduated our oldest, this has been the front and center in my mind. Over the past two years. I've had to learn how to let go of control and allow her to make her own choices and mistakes. The results have not always had the best outcome, but the more that I let go of control, the more she steps up to the plate. It can take a while, though. In today's episode, we'll talk about how you can let go of control without feeling overly anxious about the outcome. We'll also talk about the importance of embracing imperfection and exploring exercise to help you learn how to do that.
Speaker 1:
First, i want to address the supermom myth. When I think of supermom, i have the image of a woman wearing a cape and then swooping in to save her children. The problem is that our role as moms is not to save our children. They need to learn how to make wise choices, and that will only happen by making poor choices and learning from those choices. I don't know if you have taken some time to think back to how you have learned things in the past, and often it is from those mistakes. Unfortunately, my mistake recently has been getting involved when my children's poor choices affect me. It's hard whenever their poor choices creates chaos in our homes, but unfortunately that is just a part of the learning process. It was a lot easier to let go of control when they were younger. It's been harder as they've been teens And I think in part because I can see the end of our time with them in our home and I wanted to help and make sure that they were accomplishing what they needed.
Speaker 1:
It was getting harder for them And there were times that I thought They just need some extra help. Usually what they needed was for me to just back off and let them experience the consequences. Now I will say that one of my daughters in particular needs a little extra support. She has some executive function challenges and that makes it a little harder for her. It makes it where it takes her a little longer to develop those skills that help with executive function and following through with what she needs to do, and I do think that we had to have a slightly different approach with her, but I still think I could have backed off more and that would have helped her progress a little faster. So you do have to know your child and you have to know how much support they need and really think about how can we transition and really support them.
Speaker 1:
What I'd like us to do is not think of ourselves as a supermom and swooping in to save our children, but thinking of ourselves more like Yoda, who is a guide. We want to provide training and advice and encouragement, but ultimately the decision of what they do is up to them. We want to help, guide them and support them, but not swoop in and save them. You might stop for a minute and ask yourself which one are you more like? Are you more like a supermom who wants to swoop in and save her children because you don't want them to get hurt? you don't want them to feel that pain? Maybe you think it's just easier for you to do it yourself. Maybe you don't want to feel the pain. I've been there with all of those And the truth is that I tend to vacillate between the two, unfortunately.
Speaker 1:
I try really hard to be the Yoda and to be a guide, to be a coach, especially with our teenagers, and there are times that I find myself getting too involved and swooping in And I have to back up. Sometimes my husband has to pull me back. So I try to think about releasing control. I will admit that I am a recovering control freak. There are days that I do very well of saying you know what? This is out of my control, i'm just going to step back. And then there are days that I relapse And I just try to take charge, because the truth is that when we're in control, we're less anxious. We know what is most likely going to happen, we know what outcome we're trying to achieve, we know what's coming next. When we don't know what's going to happen, that increases the uncertainty And it increases our anxiety. So we have to think about how can we let go of control in a way that does not increase our anxiety too much.
Speaker 1:
I like to use what I think of as a worst case scenario strategy. I use this frequently with my daughters and myself. When something is coming up that is causing anxiety for myself or my daughters, i'll ask what's the worst thing that could happen. So, specifically, letting go of control with our children as they're growing up. I'll ask what is the worst thing that would happen if my child makes a mistake in this area? What will happen if she doesn't leave on time? What will happen if she doesn't finish her assignments? If the mistake would be life threatening, i step in and intervene. I will provide extra support. I might even take over momentarily so that we can get to a safe place. But that's not very likely to be the answer. Usually, if they make a mistake, it's not life threatening And it's going to help them to learn from it. So when it's not life threatening, i try to step back. Most likely, the consequences of whatever that mistake is will cause pain, but it's not going to be the end of the world. You might also feel some pain. You might also feel a little anxious because you can't save them and you can't control what happens. But what I find is that, even just preparing myself mentally by saying, okay, if they make a mistake, if they don't leave on time, if they don't do what they say they're going to do, this is what's likely to happen I can prepare myself and that allows me to embrace those mistakes and to embrace letting go of control. The other thing that I have to do is embrace imperfection.
Speaker 1:
This process is messy and it's important to embrace the process of learning. Consider how your children learn other school subjects, other aspects of life, how they've learned how to walk and tie their shoes and whatever else it is that they've learned. They absorb some of that easily and readily and other information that they just don't get the first time around. This is going to be different for every child. Some children pick up some concepts super easily and then they have other areas that they just don't get. The same is going to be the case with whatever they're learning as they're growing up and maturing. If it's life skills, if it is responsibility, there are going to be times that they get it and it's just yeah, that's easy, and other times that you will have to work really hard with them. It's a process that takes time.
Speaker 1:
I try to remind myself that their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed yet. The prefrontal cortex is their logical thinking brain and it doesn't fully develop until about age 25. So sometimes, when they make poor choices and I want to say what were you thinking? I stopped myself from asking that question because they weren't. They probably were not thinking because their prefrontal cortex was not engaged. So when I keep that in mind, i'm able to remember that it's not a reflection on me. Yes, i have a responsibility to train them and to help them learn, and help them learn from these mistakes, but they will make mistakes and that's part of the process.
Speaker 1:
I have to let go of the fallacy that my worth, my identity or my success depends on how my children behave or what they achieve. I can only control what I do. So one thing that I like to think about is how do I make mistakes? I want to invite you to think about a recent time that you made a mistake. Mentally place yourself in that situation. If you need to pause the episode for a minute to think about that, and that you're in a place where you can do that, hit pause Mentally, place yourself in that situation. What did you say to yourself? How did you feel? How did you move forward?
Speaker 1:
If you're able to pause, write down your thoughts And then, after you, think about that, what is one thing that you could do differently than next time? to give yourself some grace when you make a mistake? Maybe revisit this experience of a recent mistake and consider what you would do or say differently in that specific situation. As you show yourself more grace when you make a mistake, you'll be better able to show your child that grace, to set an example. That is okay to make mistakes. We all make mistakes and we can use that as an opportunity to learn from them.
Speaker 1:
So I want to encourage you to view the process of growing up and learning to assume responsibility for themselves as a learning experience And recognize that, as they are learning how to live life, you may need to learn how to be Yoda instead of a supermom. You may need to let go of control and embrace imperfection, and I want to encourage you to give yourself and your child grace as you both develop these skills And over time, you should see some progress. As we close, i want to invite you to think about a situation that you frequently feel the need to control. What is a situation that makes you anxious when you get into that? What is a situation that you don't want to let your child experience the consequences? And then envision how you could handle that differently by releasing control and embracing imperfection. What could that look like? What might you say or how might you respond? Really, rehearse that so that you have a prepared response for the next time it happens.
