Transcript Podcast 50: French Etiquette
Janine: Bonjour tout le monde - a very warm welcome to the Good Life France podcast. I’m your host, Janine Marsh, I’m British-born but I feel a bit French, certainly in my heart, as I have had a home in the north of France for more than 20 years. I’m the editor of a magazine and website about France, called The Good Life France, I write books and explore France year-round from the north to the south, the east to the west - and everywhere in between! You could say that France, my adopted country, is my obsession. When I’m not travelling or writing or looking after my many animals (I have a lot of animals), I love to chat to you on this podcast alongside my podcast partner Olivier.
Oli: Bonjour everyone and yes indeed, a very big welcome to the podcast whether you’re completely new to it or you are already a friend. I am Oli, I’m French as you may be able to tell from my accent, but I guess I am maybe a little bit British too as I lived in England for 20 years. Now I live in Lyon, deep in the south of France where I work as radio presenter and when I’m not doing that, or enjoying the wonderful gastronomy of Lyon, I too love to chat to you on this podcast. So, Janine what is our topic today?
Janine: In this episode, we’re going to talk etiquette! The social rules that France has are quite fascinating. We’re going to look at the history of French etiquette, and some of the most common, unspoken rules that can enhance your experience if you’re visiting France from dining at a chic Parisian café to greeting a local in Provence.
Oli: That sounds like a very intriguing subject indeed! Let’s dive into the world of French etiquette, covering everything from table manners to tipping and some rather unusual rules in France!
Oli: Whether you're a tourist planning your first visit to France or just curious about French culture, knowing a few key etiquette rules can go a long way. But first, let’s explore the history of French etiquette.
Janine: The word etiquette comes from the French word for placard, and refers to a time when rules were written down for the nobility. Then it was all about good breeding, showing you were above the peasants. No one understood etiquette better than King Louis XIV who used complicated rules of etiquette to control his courtiers at the Palace of Versailles in order to make sure they minded their manners and demonstrated savoir-vivre, but mostly it was about their acceptance of his rule and obeying his every word from how to dress, sit, or stand, and act in order to please him, he was, it has to be said, a control freak, but he also had good reason, he worried that if he didn’t control his nobles they would turn on him. He raised etiquette to a whole other level – rules governed every aspect of life from dress codes to door knocking – or rather door scratching if you wanted to speak to the King, because you had to scratch on his doors! So courtiers grew their nails long on their pinkie fingers so that they were better scratchers. Ew.
Oli: Savoir-vivre that you mentioned Janine, is another very French thing, it basically means knowing how to live – it’s a way of life and at its simplest, good manners and art de vivre, yet another French thing – in fact we’ve done a whole episode on art de vivre – the art of living well. Both savoir-vivre and art de vivre include an element of understanding and applying the social graces, being polite, behaving decently.
Janine: Today, French etiquette is made up of a series of sort of rules, ways to behave, that might not seem important to most people, but they are to the French. As an example – if you’ve been invited to a restaurant or you’re at someone’s house for dinner, you should never start to eat before your host or hostess. And it’s considered impolite to begin drinking before a toast – and you should look the person in the eye when you’re raising your glass to them and say “sante” – good health – or else you might get 7 years of bad luck, apparently! They’re rules which you might think are a bit old fashioned, and certainly some of them can seem a bit picky and pedantic, but in France, it’s essential to make others feel comfortable. Sometimes people think the French can be a bit aloof but most often it’s because non-Frenchies don’t understand the practice of etiquette and how it’s valued in France, even in the 21st century.
Oli: Politesse, another French word meaning politeness but a bit more to do with savoir-vivre again, is also part of etiquette, like greeting strangers with a bonjour, or a kiss on the cheek for those you know better and knowing whether to say tu or vous – both of which mean you in French but one is used formally and the other is used informally. The rules of tutoyer, as it’s known, define whether you say tu or vous. When my parents moved to Nantes, a couple of year ago, mum met her next-door neighbour, they called each other ‘vous’: comment allez-vous (how are you), that sort of thing. Quite formal but this is normal when you meet someone for the first time. But somehow, they never got onto calling each other ‘tu’, despite passing each other in the street most weeks and stopping to chat. And now, it’s too late: my mum can’t suddenly call her neighbour ‘tu’. It it wouldn’t seem right!
Janine: We non-French might think this a bit extreme perhaps. But this is etiquette and more importantly, it’s savoir-vivre. Both parties understand, accept and live with it. Though I have to say that I think I probably mix up the tus and vous, and no one ever tells me off – to my face at least! Savoir-vire, etiquette are also the reason that you’ll never get French visitors coming around for drinks and asking you how much you earn or requesting a look around your house which would be perfectly normal in the UK where I am from. In fact don’t talk about money much at all – that’s etiquette in France!
Oli: Dining in France is another place where etiquette is important. To the French, meals are not just about food; they're about culture, tradition, and social interaction. First and foremost, always say 'bon appétit' before starting to eat. It's a polite way to signal the start of a meal and shows you're considerate of your fellow diners.
Janine: Also I’ve discovered, in France it's customary to keep your hands on the table rather than in your lap, my mum would be horrified, she used to drum it into us as kids to keep out hands in our laps at the table!
Oli: And when you’re at the table, bread is placed on the table or tablecloth generally not a plate (and NOT upside down – it’s bad luck)
Janine: Actually I have been to some posh restaurants where they have side plates, but generally you’re right this doesn’t happen, and if you’re used to side plates like I am, it takes a bit of getting used to!
Oli: And you should tear pieces off the bread, not slice it, and use it to mop up sauce!
Janine: You don’t usually get butter to go with the bread, I guess because it can ruin the sauce! You can also use the bread to go with the cheese course though eating cheese with a knife and fork is also quite normal in France. And there is a whole load of etiquette about cutting the cheese and not taking the best bits for yourself. Let’s just say, I always ask a French person to cut the cheese so I don’t make any mistakes. It’s one of the rare times when I’ve actually seen French people react to an etiquette mistake was when I was at a restaurant in Corsica, with a group of mostly French people but some Americans and Brits too and one of them cut the best bits off the cheese, not deliberately, unknowingly and wow, the faces of the French people were a picture, and they were mumbling under their breath. I was actually scared for the person who did it!
Oli: Oh no, that’s actually quite a serious rule! Lol. Ok let’s talk tipping. In most countries, tipping after a meal is quite normal, expected even. In France it’s very different. Restaurants in France by law include a 15% service charge in the bill so tipping is not obligatory and if people do tip, they usually leave a few euros on the table. For taxis, you generally round up to the nearest euro. For hotel staff, housekeepers, porters etc, they generally appreciate a few euros if you’re happy with the service.
Janine: Right let’s talk meet and greet. You already mentioned that saying bonjour, hello, is de rigeur when you meet strangers – and that goes for pretty much everywhere, bars, cafes, the street, shops. After 6pm, generally, it’s bonsoir, good evening. And when you depart it’s au revoir.
Oli: Greetings in France are typically formal. A firm handshake when you meet someone for the first time. Cheek kissing—or la bise—is the norm among friends. And we just did a whole fun episode on that topic! And always use "Monsieur" for men and "Madame" for women – especially for older people or until you’re invited to use first names. It shows respect and an understanding of French formality in relationships. Someone asked me in the UK once if it was true that French men kiss womens’ hands when they meet them. Erm. No. Only in the films or sometimes politicians will do it.
Janine: Despite the friendliness of the la bise, the French do have a bit of a reputation for being rather blunt at times. Visitors to France are often shocked to have their French corrected, to be told they are cutting the cheese the wrong way, or to receive beady looks for talking too loudly or for their misbehaving children. It is the French way, and it’s not all really about being negative – French people genuinely think that they are being helpful when they correct you or tell you that you’re doing something wrong – being wrong in this vase meaning you’re not doing it the French way. And this bluntness isn’t reserved just for foreigners; the French are perfectly frank with each other too!
Oli: It’s true, we don’t mean to be rude when we correct your French Janine, lol, we really think we are being helpful to you so that you can say our beautiful words well! On the other hand, my English is perfect.
Janine: I’m happy with it Oli, if I get a word wrong and someone corrects me, I’m grateful! But now, let’s talk about some etiquette that I personally find seriously weird. Public swimming pools. In France, if you go to a public swimming pool – you have to wear a swimming cap, one of those rubber hats. Everyone has to. There are no exceptions. It’s about hygiene, and keeping hair from getting into the water. I can accept this. I get it! But it’s the rule for men’s swimwear that I will never, ever get. The long baggy swim shorts that are normal to wear these days cannot be worn in public pools in France. Men have to wear clinging trunks like Speedos. Think Daniel Craig in that Bond Film where he walks out of the sea in his blue budgie smugglers. Well let me tell you, no one looks like Daniel Craig in public swimming pools in France. Anyway this is also about hygiene. Apparently.
Oli: Yes it’s true, and I have to say that I have found this one quite hard to get used to coming back to France after 20 years in the UK. Men, you must where the ‘slip de bain’, we also call it ‘un boxer’ in public pools or you won’t be allowed in the water! This rule goes back to a law set in 1903 when longer swimming shorts were banned by the Government for hygiene reasons, and despite this rather tricky subject being raised numerous times in the French Parliament for an update, so far its a firm “non”.
Janine: Sigh. I mean really sigh. There are times when I think I really am starting to become more French but then I think about that rule and I realise, nope, I’m never going to get it so I can’t really be. French! Ok let’s talk one last etiquette rule – how to get attention from a server in a restaurant. First let me say, despite what you may have seen on films, or read in books, never ever shout “gar-sson” or “gar-kon” at the server in a restaurant. I promise you that you will not get served quicker, in fact you may not get served at all. Even if you pronounce it properly, garcon, it won’t go down well.
Oli: Yes, I’ve seen those films too – I’ve never actually seen anyone do it for real though.
Janine: I have. My dad. It was mortifying. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. We were in a lovely restaurant in Montreuil-sur-Mer, a little town near my village, and were new to France and my dad used to spend a lot of time with us at what was then our holiday hovel, sadly he’s not with us anymore. But anyway, he was a bit of a rebel, had a wicked sense of humour and absolutely didn’t give a stuff what anyone thought of him, so when he wanted attention he would just grab it. He was hilarious most of the time but that day when he shouted gar-kon and the whole restaurant went silent will remain in my memory forever.
Oli: You saying that reminds me of a time when I was in Montpellier with my partner Kristel and a friend who was British and she wanted to get the server’s attention, she wanted another cocktail and she whistled at the server. Mon dieu, we were horrified Kristel and me. Never do this either.
Janine: Oh no, never whistle for attention!
Oli: Basically, catch the server’s eye as they pass, or raise your arm when they’re looking your way, mouth sil vous plait if they are a bit far away for shouting, or just say monsieur, madame, sil vous plait if they are in hearing distance and you won’t be interrupting them talking to another diner. Sometimes it does feel like it can be a bit difficult to get attention, especially in Paris, don’t take it personally, just enjoy the moment.
Janine: And so ends our episode on etiquette. Seriously, though these are customs for the French no one is going to really mind that much if you don’t get it right, it really isn’t anything to get anxious about.
Oli: Except the cheese.
Janine: Well yes – the cheese thing should be avoided. Say bonjour, use vous instead of tu, say madame and monsieur, please and thank you sil vous plait and merci, and au revoir and you’re pretty much there and embracing a culture that values discretion, politeness, and respect.
Oli: We hope you’ve enjoyed this episode, and that we gave you a deeper understanding of the subtleties of French culture where politeness is always in fashion.
We just want to say a huge thank you to all of you listening to our podcast and to everyone for sharing it too. We really love sharing the France we know and love with you, the authentic and real France with its wonderful history, culture, gastronomy, wine and more. It always amazes us that people are listening in about 150 countries around the world!
Janine: Yes thank you so much everyone, wherever you are, we really appreciate it. You’ve been listening to me Janine Marsh and Olivier Jauffrit. You can find Oli at parischanson.fr playing heaps of great music, and you can find me and a ton of information about France – where to visit, culture, history, recipes – everything France - at thegoodlifefrance.com where you can subscribe to the podcast, a weekly newsletter about France and my totally brilliant, completely free magazine which you can read at magazine.thegoodlifefrance.com.
But for now, it’s au revoir from me.
Olivier: And goodbye from me.
Janine: Speak to you soon!
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