Overcoming Communication Barriers in Marriage: 3 Key Deterrents and Biblical Insights: A Throw-Back Episode
May 24, 2024
Doug & Leslie Davis
Ever found yourself lost in translation within your own marriage? This week on The Vision-Driven Marriage we drop a throwback episode to continue on our quest to help you avoid separation. In this episode we return to episode 4 of the podcast to discuss the importance of understanding our differences and giving grace in times when communication is difficult. We tackle the perplexing scenarios of disconnect that crop up during heated moments, dissecting how to triumph over miscommunication and foster a deeper understanding with your spouse.
The dance of dialogue between life partners is intricate, but what if you had the steps to move in sync, even when the music seems offbeat? In our conversation, we lay out actionable strategies for resolving disagreements and prioritizing each other's emotional needs. We share stories of forgiveness and the art of scheduling conflict resolution, ensuring that the day doesn't end with unresolved tensions. Our discussion is not just about weathering the storm—it's about building a stronger vessel together.
Closing with a moment of spiritual reflection, we explore the role of faith in fortifying communication within marriage. We offer up a prayer for clarity and unity, seeking divine assistance to knock down barriers and align our hearts with a purpose that transcends our own. Tune in to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast, and let's start speaking the same language of love.
Ever found yourself lost in translation within your own marriage? This week on The Vision-Driven Marriage we drop a throwback episode to continue on our quest to help you avoid separation. In this episode we return to episode 4 of the podcast to discuss the importance of understanding our differences and giving grace in times when communication is difficult. We tackle the perplexing scenarios of disconnect that crop up during heated moments, dissecting how to triumph over miscommunication and foster a deeper understanding with your spouse.
The dance of dialogue between life partners is intricate, but what if you had the steps to move in sync, even when the music seems offbeat? In our conversation, we lay out actionable strategies for resolving disagreements and prioritizing each other's emotional needs. We share stories of forgiveness and the art of scheduling conflict resolution, ensuring that the day doesn't end with unresolved tensions. Our discussion is not just about weathering the storm—it's about building a stronger vessel together.
Closing with a moment of spiritual reflection, we explore the role of faith in fortifying communication within marriage. We offer up a prayer for clarity and unity, seeking divine assistance to knock down barriers and align our hearts with a purpose that transcends our own. Tune in to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast, and let's start speaking the same language of love.
Hello friend, welcome back to another episode of the Vision Driven Marriage podcast, where we're dedicated to encourage and equip you for lifelong love, and we pray that God will solidify your marriage. I'm one of your hosts, leslie Davis, and today we're continuing our mission to avoid separation and foster deeper connection within our marriages. In our last episode, we explored open and honest communication. We discussed how authenticity and transparency can transform our interactions and bring us closer to our spouses. If you haven't had a chance to listen to that episode yet, I would highly recommend going back and checking it out.
Speaker 1:
Today, we're dropping a throwback episode that focuses on the obstacles that can hinder effective communication. In episode four that dropped on January 20th 2023, we discussed three deterrents to communication. We also grounded our discussion in biblical wisdom. We shared Proverbs 25, 11 and Ephesians 4, 31 and Ephesians 4, 26 to provide spiritual insights to overcoming these challenges. So sit back, relax and let's dive into this throwback episode of the Vision Driven Marriage. Together, we'll learn how to navigate those roadblocks and move toward a more fulfilling and connected marriage. Let's get started. Welcome to the vision driven marriage podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.
Speaker 2:
Communication is an issue that married couples have to deal with a lot, and sometimes we just don't deal with it very well.
Speaker 1:
So today we're going to talk about three really big deterrents to communication and we're going to give about three really big deterrents to communication.
Speaker 2:
And we're going to give you some things you can plug in today to be able to help make your communication a little better, in spite of those deterrents. So here's the first one. Deterrent number one Men and women are different. Now, you've all seen the books about how men are from Mars and women are from Venus and you've seen all the articles and all of the experts who've shared this obvious truth with us. But it gets in the way of our communication and sometimes in some pretty obvious ways that I've seen in the pastoral office and I know Leslie's seen in the counseling office, and often it's because of those differences that we fail to communicate properly. Let me give you an example. Sometimes we just don't understand each other and then we don't say what we mean. For example, how many of you have been in the position where you have asked your husband what are you thinking about? What's his answer? That he gave Nothing. And when he said nothing, how did you feel?
Speaker 1:
Like he was lying to me.
Speaker 2:
And shutting you out. Now I know right now, for those of you who are wondering no, we have not been spying on you. In your home, couples deal with this all the time, and so let me go ahead and help you out with just a little bit. First of all, ladies, I know that this is really difficult to process, but when your husband says I'm not thinking about anything in particular, he's not lying to you and he's not shutting you out. Sometimes we just shut our brains off and he's actually telling you the truth. But, guys, please don't misunderstand this. Your wife cannot understand that, because there's never a moment where she's not contemplating something that's very important to her, and so, because of that incredible difference, communication can feel more difficult than it ought to, and it can even feel like you're shutting each other out.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and there's been times where, in the course of that, asking, well, what are you thinking about? That's not really the question that I would mean to ask. It's not what are you thinking about? That's not really the question that I would mean to ask. It's not what are you thinking about? I would really need to say something like instead of what are you thinking about? I would need to say I need your opinion on XYZ. So that's one of the other struggles, or the other differences between men and women is that sometimes we don't say what we mean and we need to speak with clarity and say okay, here's what I really mean. You know, we see this a lot happen, a lot in funerals, don't we?
Speaker 2:
Well, and see, it's human nature to want to communicate but to not really understand how to make sure that the second part of communication happens. You see, too often we think talking is communicating and it's not. Communication only happens when what I'm saying is received and heard, and so if it's not heard, it wasn't communicated. I was just talking. Let me give you an example of how human nature gets in the way. How many of you have either been this guest or you've been at a funeral, where somebody comes up at a funeral and what they mean is I love you and I'm really sorry that you're hurting, and I wish you weren't hurting. What they say is I know how you feel and they don't, but we've all been there, right, right? How many times in our marriages are we saying something with a meaning that our spouse doesn't understand, because our spouse wouldn't mean the same thing if our spouse said the same words. And so we need to learn to communicate clearly. We'll give you a couple of examples of why that's going to be such an important thing, of why that's going to be such an important thing for you to do in your marriage. One of the things that we've seen over and over again in the counseling office is something that I want to ask all of you at home right now. Okay, so just focus for just a moment on this question and give your honest answer. If you knew for sure what your spouse needed and it was within your ability to give it, would you do it Now? Once again, I can't see in your home right now, but I know your answer was yes, absolutely, and there was no hesitation.
Speaker 2:
Communication allows you to be able to tap into that resource that you already have.
Speaker 2:
You already have a desire and a genuine commitment to do something for your spouse if it would help them, if it was within your ability to do it. But if Leslie asks me what are you thinking and that's not what she means it can actually drive a wedge, because I'll tell her the truth Right now I'm really not thinking about anything. Or she may ask me how do you feel about something? And the honest answer that I have to give is I don't know how I feel about it, but as men, we don't like to even think about how we feel about something when we don't feel anything about it, and so being able to communicate is going to be taking the time to slow down to say what you actually mean and to be able to give an answer that's honest, even if you know it's not exactly what your spouse was expecting. So, instead of asking what are you thinking? What are some examples of some things you could actually do that would get to the issue you were trying to address?
Speaker 1:
to the issue you were trying to address.
Speaker 1:
Well, I think, ask, I think asking a question clearly, like I, and saying what you need, you know, I need specifically your opinion on X Y Z, or, instead of you know what you know, what are you thinking about?
Speaker 1:
Ask more specifically how did your day go in regards to X Y Z, you know, or maybe it was a situation that you know you had talked about previously or whatever, and you wanted to know. You know how that situation was playing out. And I think one of the other things that's really important to note here is that when you ask kind of a vague question and it's not answered the way that you expect, you've got to be able to give grace and know that there's a process in learning how to do things better each time, and so you give grace and maybe rephrase the question or ask the question again. But don't assume that the intentions were negative to start with, like when you say I don't know or I wasn't thinking anything. You know we've learned not to assume that you're that I'm being shut out or that I'm trying to shut you out or whatever. You know we give each other the benefit of the doubt. Right, Well, and likewise, guys.
Speaker 2:
You've got to be able to give grace. Also, once you realize that it may be something that's beyond the question that was actually asked, be able to give an answer that is very upfront and loving, so that she knows she's not shut out. She may ask me what are you thinking about? And instead of just saying nothing, I'll just tell her. I really have shut my mind off. I've had a long day and I'm just sitting here truly trying to recover from all of the things I went through today. I'm not thinking about any one thing in particular.
Speaker 2:
Now I know that that's something that you know well. Maybe if I just said I'm not thinking about anything, that should be understood. But we've clarified it might not be because we don't operate the same way, and aren't you glad that men and women don't think about things the same way? Together, we're able to do things we could never do by ourselves because we think so differently. But communication suffers and it doesn't have to. So you need to learn to give grace and you need to learn to be able to say more clearly what you actually mean. Whether you're the one asking the questions or you're the one answering the questions, state it clearly so that there is a connection rather than an anticipation of being shut out, because you don't want to shut your spouse out, but let them know that you want them in.
Speaker 1:
And I think you know adding to here if there's a lack of clarity in you know, in the conversation, it's okay to ask for more information. You know, like if I were to say what were you thinking, you know what. You know, what are you thinking about? And you, you, if you didn't know what I was talking about, you would offer an open-ended question. That said, in regards to what?
Speaker 2:
Right, because think about how that could be so many different things. She might be noticing that I have a look on my face that looks like I'm concerned about something, and what she really means is is there something troubling you? She didn't say that, but that might be so. If you start to ask questions and respond to each other, make an intentional effort to let each other in, you might get to the root of what's really being asked. Your communication will get better. But you need to give grace both ways. If you're not getting the answer you expected from a question, understand you might not be using the words you actually meant and give grace. And if you're answering and getting a strange look words you actually meant and give grace. And if you're answering and getting a strange look, realize that your answer might not have been something that was very clear at all and also give grace. Communicate with each other, understanding that sometimes it takes two or three attempts before you get to the heart of what you're really talking about.
Speaker 1:
Right, I know early on we struggled with that pattern and then we would get frustrated and then the conversation would get heated. You know it would be emotionally negatively charged and our childhood patterns would kick in and Doug came from a family that when you had a disagreement you pressed into that and you fixed it right then and you talked about it and you know everybody came to the table and they talked about it and until it was fixed Right.
Speaker 1:
I came from a family background where I needed to have time to cool off, like I, if I were in an emotionally charged situation, there was usually some flying off of the of the handle. There was usually some flying off of the handle and so I needed to back out and take a breather for a long period of time. What he would consider a long period of time you know I didn't think you know 30 minutes or an hour or two hours or a shopping trip, would be considered a long period of time, but to him that was an extremely long period of time because he was used to coming to the table and fixing it right then. So, needless to say, when we started having those, I wouldn't say we argued much, but we would definitely- Disagree.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I would say we would definitely have some disagreements early on, kind of the butting of the heads, and I would need to move out, like not move out, but to remove myself from the situation in order to have time to calm down and collect my thoughts and process what just happened and he would be like, no, we need to press into this, we need to fix this right now. And we, we, we disagreed on how that actually should go, didn't we?
Speaker 2:
And so it leads us to hindrance number two. Which hindrance number two to communication is your childhood patterns, and it doesn't even have to be from childhood, but the patterns that you've already experienced, creating a habit that hinders your ability to communicate Now with us. As Leslie just shared, whenever we would disagree and you've all noticed this when you disagree, things become intensified, your emotions are intensified, and so you don't react the way that you would react when you're having a discussion that's calm, and one of the things that we've noticed right away is that couples that we talk to repeatedly share with us that, once they get hurt, they struggle with the desire to hurt back. It's something that we can all do, and nobody wants to get to that place. We want to be able to communicate, we don't want to fight. So what do you do when your childhood patterns are so very different that your communication styles are different? Now again, leslie, whenever we would have a disagreement, she wanted time to process it and to cool off and to leave the room Alone.
Speaker 1:
Alone, alone.
Speaker 2:
I wanted, you know, come back here, let's get this done right now, because I felt like it was something that needed to be taken care of, because I wanted the unity. We both wanted the same thing. We wanted to be able to speak clearly, to come together in unity, but the way that we were going to get there was very, very different. Some of you might be able to identify with that right away. So what exactly do you do to be able to fix that situation? Well, one of the things you need to understand is you've all had the experiences that you know. We all went through experience where we've already had the disagreements. We've already had the verbal fights.
Speaker 2:
At that point, you probably said some things you absolutely didn't mean. You were disagreeable with each other and it was difficult and you feel horrible about it. The very first thing is, with those things that have already happened, truly be able to forgive and let it go. But the solutions lie more in how can we proactively come up with a different communication pattern during the times we're not upset with each other. So, during a time where things aren't heated, we need to plug in a plan that we think will benefit both of us.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and our plan looked a lot like.
Speaker 1:
Okay, we have to decide what is an acceptable time to be able to take a step back from the disagreement and then come back in and, um, we agreed on 10 to 15 minutes, which was enough time most of the time right, which was enough to allow me to process and to kind of uh, think through the things that had been said and actually what um, the, what the purpose was, what my intent was you know where my heart was at in the conversation and then be able to come back and clearly explain those things that I got a good handle on while I was you know, processing it on my own, and it allowed for you to say, okay, well, it's not 30 minutes, it's not a shopping trip, it's not.
Speaker 2:
Well, more importantly, it's not something that we're going to ignore. We actually set a time, and so it gave her time to process things. It gave me the understanding we are going to come back together, and it gave us the ability, as a couple, to seek after God's heart too, because God's heart in Ephesians, chapter 4, he tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger, and so when we have a disagreement, you need to take care of it before you go to sleep that night. Now, again, you might have a different way that you set up that pattern. That's what we did, but it also gave us an opportunity to do something pretty cool in the midst of a time of communication.
Speaker 2:
That could have been a struggle.
Speaker 2:
We were struggling to communicate.
Speaker 2:
However, it gave us an opportunity to love each other and to respect each other in the midst of the disagreement.
Speaker 2:
Here's why I knew that she wanted time, and she wanted a lot of time, and being able to give up what I wanted, which is come back here right now, let's deal with this, was an immediate opportunity for me to say even though I want to deal with it right now I love you and respect you enough that I'm going to give you the time that you need, because I know you need it, I know it's legitimate and it's not about me and she was able to set a time right away. We are going to come back together, even though right now I just want my space Immediately. She was able to show love and respect by saying we are going to come back together to talk about this, knowing that's something that I needed. And so, even in the very beginning of a disagreement, it was an opportunity for us to demonstrate that we cared more about each other than we cared about our own patterns of behavior that had been established since childhood.
Speaker 1:
And what happened because of that is that it began to build trust and it began to build an emotional connection that went far above and beyond just saying that you're sorry for, or apologizing, or giving forgiveness for whatever the disagreement was, and I think that was more productive and more solidifying in our marriage than just fixing whatever it was that we were disagreeing with to start with, because that emotional connection like I knew you would allow me my space- in order to process that.
Speaker 1:
That wasn't going to be an area of contention, because I needed that process in order to work out the disagreement. I needed that process in order to work out the disagreement, you know, and so so it built a level of trust in our relationship that was very valuable.
Speaker 2:
And there was something else that was a God blessed and God ordained thing that we hadn't even intentionally done, but we want to share it with you, um, as the early couple of years of our marriage, as we continued to try to give each other, I would give her space, she would come back together so we could talk to give that as a gift to me.
Speaker 2:
It wasn't always a 15 minute thing, sometimes it was longer, sometimes it was shorter, but what we ended up noticing was and you've probably seen this in your own relationship even though during a disagreement you're both upset, somebody had their feelings hurt first, somebody was upset first, and one of the things that I noticed started to happen is if she was the one who got upset first, we would take a longer period of time before we came back to talk about it, because that's what she needed.
Speaker 2:
And if I was the one who got upset first and again, this was just God's design, we didn't do it intentionally, but I want to share it with you so you can do it intentionally If I was the one that got upset first, our time would actually be shorter and I would get what I needed faster, and so we want to encourage you to plug that in If you have something similar be able to demonstrate both love and respect to your spouse by immediately giving them what they need in that situation so that you can communicate, and try see if it works for you. Try playing by the rules of the one who got upset first to the best of your ability so that it'll foster communication that will be healthier.
Speaker 1:
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Speaker 2:
Oh yes.
Speaker 1:
Like you've got to give yourself grace because it's not going to, it's not gonna work smoothly, just like when you're trying to change any kind of pattern. There's a learning curve and you've got to give each other grace because this isn't going to work smoothly all the time. But you've got to be able to kind of trust the process that when you lean into something that is God-ordained, he's going to bless that. You know he's going to eventually that it's going to work smoothly. But you've got to give yourself grace as the as you first step into that process.
Speaker 2:
I'd encourage you to give two things Absolutely you need to give grace. You also need to be able to give forgiveness Now, um, after you have tried to do something differently and you failed at it. Give each other forgiveness to realize you're not going to get be perfect at it right away. It's going to be a process that will take some time. But then give each other grace to be able to do it the way you would prefer, instead of according to the old habits the next time. So give each other grace ahead of time, preemptively. Give each other forgiveness when you don't quite do it right, but don't give up. Continue to try to do it right.
Speaker 2:
We learn how to do things by pressing into what God's given to us, and wouldn't it be wonderful if it was always done exactly right the first time. But we all know it's not. Don't give up. Be able to forgive. Give each other grace. But it leads to our third deterrent. Our third deterrent is one that makes so much sense, but we don't think about it often enough. It's when there are unvoiced things in our relationship. Now, the primary thing we're going to look at as a deterrent is an unvoiced, unmet expectation.
Speaker 1:
I've heard it said. I mean many counselors and marriage therapists have said that you know, the top three things, or the top two things that undermine a marriage, is love and sex. Right, those are the two things that are money and sex. Those are the two things that couples fight about the most is money and sex. But in reality, what they're fighting about is unspoken, unmet expectations about money and sex.
Speaker 2:
It's nearly always a lack of communication about that area rather than the area itself.
Speaker 2:
Now, when we start talking about unvoiced issues, let me start with one. That is something that isn't about the unmet expectations, although we all should have this expectation. I want to encourage all of you right now to recognize the fact that there are things that you think every day, that you don't say out loud, that are positive and uplifting and encouraging. Now, when we look at Proverbs 25, 11, we know that a fitly spoken word is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Right, but we don't share the encouraging things. We don't share the uplifting things often enough. I can't tell you how many times dozens on a bad day, hundreds on a normal day how many times I think things that I don't share with my wife that I should like. I watch her interact with our granddaughters and all I can think is she's such a good grandma. Or I see her do something that's kind and all I can think is she has such a good heart. Or I see her smile and I think she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen but I don't tell her.
Speaker 2:
So one of the things I want to encourage you to do men, women, all of you is please don't say everything you're thinking. That would be ridiculous and they'd probably have you committed, but do a better job of saying some of the things that you're thinking on a regular basis, because you need to encourage and uplift one another, and one of the things that will help your communication, those are genuine things that you're thinking. Please don't say you know, say things to try to score points that's not what it's about but share the truth of your heart in an uplifting way and your communication will improve overall. So that's, you know, as far as things that are unspoken. I wanted to start there, but the issue, the hindrance, is when one of us expects something and it doesn't happen. But we never told our spouse that we expected it.
Speaker 1:
For example, in a lot of homes, the general thing is that the expectation is that the man will take out the garbage. I'm just using this as an example. This is that the expectation is that the man will take out the garbage. I'm just using this as an example. Right, well, if it's not spoken and the man comes from a house where the garbage was a shared task, you know, or just whoever took it out, took it out, took it out, right? So then the expectation because it's unspoken, isn't getting met because that's not the expectation in the other spouse.
Speaker 2:
Right and see one of the things that happened in our marriage. She's giving an example straight from us, because when we were married we were young and we were both college students and you know, we've been married 33 years now and love every moment of it. But early on, when we were married, we were both full-time students, we both had part-time jobs and so we had a lot of shared tasks in the household. If I got home earlier, I probably would start supper. If she got home earlier, she'd start supper. If one of us saw the floor needed swept, we'd sweep it. We just did those things because our time was at such a premium, being full-time students who were married and working.
Speaker 2:
And about three months after we'd been married I could tell that something wasn't right, and when I asked her what was wrong, that was what she shared with me is you didn't take the garbage out. Now I'm not sure which of the two is the bigger deal. I considered myself a relatively intelligent person. I'm not sure if it's a bigger deal that we hadn't communicated about it or if three months had gone by and I hadn't realized. I was the only person taking the garbage out at that point, but my mistake was because we hadn't communicated about it. My response was bad because she said you didn't take the garbage out. And since we shared all the other tasks, my response was bad because she said you didn't take the garbage out and since we shared all the other tasks, my response to her was well, if you saw it needed to go out, why didn't you take it out?
Speaker 1:
And she said I don't remember what I said.
Speaker 2:
She said that's your job right, that's your job which is fine, absolutely not a problem.
Speaker 2:
We hadn't communicated about it. Now, have any of you had an issue where there was a frustration, even what could be a legitimate frustration, but you'd never talked about it, you'd never communicated it and all of a sudden you let each other down. It's bad enough when we have an expectation that goes unmet, but do you see how unfair it is when you have an expectation but you never told anybody, you didn't speak it, and then you're upset because it wasn't met? This is fixable.
Speaker 1:
Yes, yes, it's definitely an avoidable mistake, and we both take out the garbage now. I know we both do it now, right?
Speaker 2:
But the communication is the key and being able to share. This is what I expect goes back to what I asked early on. If you knew that your spouse needed something and it was within your ability to do it, would you? Of course you would. The problem we have is there's things that we need or expect or want that we never say out loud. It's unfair. The first thing we need to do is acknowledge that's unfair, but the fix is when you start to feel hurt because something, because an expectation you had wasn't met. Ask yourself this question first Did I actually communicate what I expected or not?
Speaker 1:
And is it communicated clearly? Did I communicate what I expected or not? And is it communicated clearly? Did I expound on it enough to know that what I expect is one reasonable because it might be an unreasonable expectation at which point you process through that?
Speaker 1:
That's a different issue, yeah, yeah, but you say that that's an unreasonable like. Here's the fix to that, you know. But if it's a reasonable request and it's and it's expressed well, that's an easy fix, because then you just move forward with whatever you planned but when it comes to the communication, you know, the very first step is did?
Speaker 2:
did I even say it? And when I said it, was it heard? Because, again, I want you to think about communication, not talking. If you say something that isn't heard, you're just talking. For it to be communicated, it has to be said and heard.
Speaker 2:
And so you need to ask yourself did I reasonably say what I expected and was it heard? Or did I say it while they were hurrying out the door? Or did I say it when they were busy with the kids? Or did I, you know, make sure, because, first of all, you don't want to be in the place where you have something, create a division between you. That's unreasonable. Now, the second thing is then you need to find out when you're the one who is feeling like your expectations weren't met, how can I communicate it without allowing my disappointment, which was unreasonable because I hadn't communicated it yet? Come into the discussion, because one of the things that we also see that's so difficult. If I'd thought of now one of the other issues that I can face, because my wife and I are one sometimes I forget that if I've been thinking about something for three hours, she doesn't live in my head, and so I might've thought that I told her about it, but I didn't.
Speaker 1:
And that really works both ways, because I, you know, one of the best premarital advice that I received, um received, was he's not a mind reader. No, he cannot read your mind, and so it's very important to say, okay, did I clear? You know, did I mention that or had I just been thinking about it, you know, or did I communicate that at a time when he wasn't able to give it his full attention? You know which happens for us. That's like the morning, you know the early morning. So I'm an early morning person, he's not an early morning person, and so so to talk to him about anything substantial, you know, before 730 doesn't I'm awake, yeah, but my brain's not functioning.
Speaker 1:
You're not awake.
Speaker 2:
And likewise I'm continuing to fire late into the evening and continuing to just go, go, go, go go, and she's awake but not functioning, and so you have to take that into consideration too.
Speaker 2:
But these things are things that should be obvious in our relationship, but they're often not. We get frustrated because communication can be difficult, but one of the biggest things that'll be the fix is we look at these deterrents, each one of the deterrents that we've mentioned, whether it's the basic differences in the way men and women think and speak, or if it's some of the childhood patterns or even adult patterns that we've established that are kind of unreasonable and unfair and can cause discussions to escalate into a fight instead of being able to be a constructive discussion, or if it's the fact that we don't say things out loud that we should have said out loud. All of them are fixable, and the biggest thing is to start with evaluating yourself. Did I actually say what I intended to say? Have I been listening to what my spouse said and really processing what my spouse said? Because a lot of these fixes start there.
Speaker 1:
And these are general deterrents too. I just want to throw in a caveat here, because there's some pretty difficult other hindrances that sometimes I see in the counseling office, and that's apathy, when a spouse just doesn't really care to connect or doesn't care to communicate, and then bitterness. And so if you're struggling with apathy or your spouse is struggling with apathy or bitterness, that's when we might consider looking at some stronger help.
Speaker 2:
Some resources are available.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, Some resources or inviting somebody to come along and walk that path with you, a mentorship maybe something like that, and so and those are things we will be dealing with in the future, but right now we just wanted to look at the basics of communication, because it's something that sometimes we just need to process and understand that our communication isn't really as much of a struggle as we think it is. It's just hit a roadblock, and these are three of the most common roadblocks. All of them are able to be overcome.
Speaker 1:
So we hope that today has helped you, and we'd love to. We'd love to hear from you. Send us an email. We will write up the show notes, so all of this information will be available in the show notes, and so follow us and we will see you next time.
Speaker 2:
And again, we're praying that your marriage will be solidified as you seek after God's will. And thank you for joining us on the Vision Driven Marriage podcast let's close in a word of prayer.
Speaker 2:
All right. Father, we are grateful for the opportunities to be able to come together as husband and wife to seek after your heart, and I pray that you would show us anything at all in our lives that stands in the way of us communicating the way we should. Anything at all in our lives that stands in the way of us communicating the way we should. Help us to see our own need, to lay things down and give them to you so that we can communicate clearly by speaking clearly and by listening precisely, and to be able to draw together in unity as we seek after your purpose for us as individuals and as a married couple. Thank you for the opportunity to speak words of encouragement, to not let the sun go down on our anger, to know that you've encouraged us, to encourage one another, and so, lord, I pray that, as we grow, that you'd give us what we need to give each other grace and forgiveness as we seek to communicate better, and we ask this in Jesus' name, amen.
