Healing and Renewal in Marriage: Brad and Lisa Valencia's Journey of Faith, Redemption, and Personal Growth

Could your marriage withstand the weight of hidden challenges and small compromises? Join us on this powerful episode of the Vision-Driven Marriage Podcast as we welcome Brad and Lisa Valencia from Unrelenting Pursuit. They courageously share their transformative story from marital strife to triumph, driven by Brad's conviction to reveal the miracles in their relationship as a beacon of hope for others. Their journey is a testament to the power of Christ and unrelenting pursuit of what really matters.

Our conversation delves into profound themes of faith, redemption, and the dangerous spiral of compromising one's beliefs. Brad recounts a personal story of growing up in a pastoral family and the incremental steps that led to compromising his faith, ultimately resulting in significant consequences. This candid narrative highlights the critical need for addressing secret sins and the impact of these seemingly minor compromises on our lives and relationships. It’s a stark reminder of the importance of maintaining our spiritual integrity and the role of faith in overcoming life's toughest challenges.

Healing and renewal through Christ form the cornerstone of this episode, as Brad and Lisa emphasize the importance of personal responsibility and spiritual growth. They share their experiences of rebuilding their marriage through a supportive faith community, honest communication, and unwavering commitment. Their story underscores the protecting what is important and maintaining accountability in marriage. Offering a message of hope and resilience, they remind us that while the journey of healing is unique and often challenging, it is ultimately rewarding and filled with purpose when anchored in faith.

You can find Brad and List at:
https://www.facebook.com/unrelentingpursuitofmarriage

https://unrelentingpursuit.org/

Brad & Lisa Valencia (@unrelentingpursuit_) • Instagram photos and videos

INTRO/OUTRO MUSIC CREDITS
Theme music: Dead Winter
ASLC-1BEF9A9E-9E9D609662
Artists: White Bones
Composers: White Bones
Audio source: Epidemic Sound

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Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:07

Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast. If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage. We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage. Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage podcast. We're Doug and Leslie Davis. We're really excited about the couple that we get to share with you all today.

Speaker 3: 0:38

Today we've invited Brad and Lisa Valencia from Unrelenting Pursuit, and they're going to share their story with us.

Speaker 2: 0:44

Welcome. We're glad that you're with us today.

Speaker 1: 0:47

Thank you for having us we're thrilled to be here.

Speaker 3: 0:49

Bren and Lisa tell us a little bit about how you got into marriage ministry and what that means for you.

Speaker 1: 0:57

Oh okay, how we got into marriage. Ministry is my lovely husband. We were leading groups at church and we'd been really involved in that area for quite a while and God had kind of planted some things in my heart over the years that I had just kind of sat on but had never verbalized. And my husband comes home one day and he tells me we should be writing a book, doing a podcast and starting on social media. And I just gave him a deadpan look because I was so in shock. Honestly, we find it's a lot easier or for me I find it much easier to share from pain than it is to share from shame. So I really never thought that my husband would come alongside in such a public way to really share the darkest parts of our story so publicly. So I did not respond well.

Speaker 4: 1:50

No, she didn't. She totally like kind of blew me off. I just I think God put it on my heart because I'm the shameful side If you guys had to pick that up there. I think God put that on my heart because, now that I've learned, I think it's selfish and you have an obligation to share the miracles that God's done in your life, and especially in ours, and so to hold it and keep it, even if it was painful to share it over and over to me. There was almost a sense of arrogance around not sharing it.

Speaker 1: 2:28

I don't know if that makes sense.

Speaker 4: 2:29

It was just something that was put on my heart, and I think that the more I've grown, the more I've realized the reason why. And, um, like I have no pride anymore, but it's, it's, um, it's our obligation to God's done such a work in our life. For us to hold on to it is it's unfair.

Speaker 2: 2:49

That's how I feel. That is awesome, and not just because you're sharing your testimony. But I know that there may be, you know, some couples who are listening to this podcast today who realize that a little element of what you're going to share is something that they may either be going through or are coming out of. And the reason it's so important for you to you know, to acknowledge that God's given you this opportunity to share and that he broke down. You know, all of those walls of pride are because there's somebody, there's some couple who's very similar to you who right now desperately needs to know that God can bring healing to their marriage. With you sharing what God's done in your marriage. What an awesome thing, because that person who needs hope might be able to borrow the hope that they find that you found until they can see what God's going to do in their relationship.

Speaker 1: 3:45

That's our whole intention that we get to be the hope that they find that you found, until they can see what God's going to do in their relationship. That's our, that's our whole intention, that we get to be the hope carriers. You know, if God can do it for us, he can do it for you, which is like a really beautiful picture of who God is.

Speaker 3: 3:57

And so God has provided a lot of redemption in your marriage. Tell us a little bit about that. What have you guys overcome in your marriage?

Speaker 1: 4:09

I'm going to summarize the first 10 years in about 30 seconds and then I just hand it over to Brennan. So I would say that we had felt like we had a really good marriage. We were married for 10 years, had three kids, you know, in the career, the house, all the things that you quote, unquote are the right things to have a good marriage. Going to church, both believed in the Lord, we were checking all of the boxes and we always say we emphasize this part of it that we had a what we felt was a good marriage. Because I think when most couples, if they even think about the idea of facing something like we walked through, they just automatically assume that you had a really bad marriage and so we want to remove that right away because we are all very capable of failing. So we just want to make sure that we preface that.

Speaker 4: 5:00

So and then now I just hand it to's. I don't even know where to begin. I mean, like Lisa said, we had everything. If you saw us from the outside, it was, you know, little kids building a family. You know the whole American dream kind of deal. You know the whole american dream kind of deal.

Speaker 4: 5:31

And, um, I, I grew up in church. So that's something I want to like emphasize to people listening before I get deep into my testimonies or our testimony. I grew up in church, like my uncles, my grandfather they're all pastors or were pastors Like this is something that I literally slept on pews under pews when I was little. Like this is. I grew up in the church saying that I knew all the answers, but I didn't have my own personal relationship, I would say, rooted and grounded my faith, right, what jesus really means.

Speaker 4: 6:06

So in 2011, wow, it's been. It's been a little while. Yeah, so in 2011, I, uh, through work I was, I was able to get on a this, this unit and we travel around the nation doing different things and I would get deployed. And then come home and get deployed and come home, well, well, a few of these deployments. You know, it's not like the military, where the deployments are like years or anything like that. These were a couple of months long here and there, and during that time I started to compromise a lot of my beliefs. Really, that's what it came down to. I really just started to compromise little bits and pieces of what I stood for, because I wasn't grounded and rooted in what I needed to be Right.

Speaker 4: 6:50

So I just started off very small. So it was starting off with going out for dinner and then maybe having a couple of drinks and that was it, and then go back to my hotel room. And then that progressed a little bit further and then I get back to my hotel room and then, as this is all progressing, these are like these little steps that I started taking to where I started looking at pornography and to me it was justifiable. It's okay I was away from my family, like this is better than quote unquote, better than going out and physically doing this right. This is something I rationalized in my head. I think a lot of people do.

Speaker 3: 7:33

It's a slippery slope, isn't it Exactly?

Speaker 4: 7:36

And it's not. That's not true. So to get that out there right now, that's not true. So that progressed and I started even during that, when I'd stay out later I'd start lying to Lisa and just telling her like, oh, I'm going to go to bed and then I would go back out. And so it was a very it was a weird time. It was something I've never done before. It just started, you know, but again it was these slow compromises that I made Right, so it wasn't like I woke up out of bed one day and said I'm going to throw my family away and I'm going to walk away from all this, and then I just went and did it. And I would argue that no one ever does that, that there's always small steps in the wrong direction, and so that's what I was doing. And then, as that progressed and I started staying out later, the enemy knows how to get you right. And and I still deal with insecurities to this day. And I would argue that there's men out there that say they don't and they do, but I, I still deal with insecurities today.

Speaker 4: 8:42

But then there was. It was a big, a big thing in my life, and so, overcompensating that, and the enemy knows how to get you. He fed on those insecurities and so me thinking I wasn't wanted by other people, then that was something that was happening and being noticed. And then you know women coming up to me and talking to me and me entertaining that, and I was also putting myself in, you know, places I don't go and I was putting myself in areas that I've never really hung out. I never used to go to bars, I never used to go to these clubs and do all these things. And I started doing all that these clubs and do all these things and I started doing all that and so then that progressed to the. It wasn't that big of a jump to physically stepping out on my family right, physically inviting women and doing all these things, and so going from staying out and compromising my little bits here and there to full blown adultery.

Speaker 4: 9:46

I mean, there's a timeline there, but it wasn't that big of a jump and I think people don't realize what they're dabbling in when they start compromising these little things. You know, since we've started this ministry, we've learned so much in the realm of church, specifically where there is the pornography problem that's a quiet, secret, sin Right and and and we have, you know, other ministries that we've linked up to that. We've learned a lot about this, but people don't think it's that big of a deal. But it's actually a huge deal. It's it. It just. It tears you apart, it changes your mental capacity, it changes everything about you. So I lived this for I don't know my timelines. It's horrible.

Speaker 1: 10:29

I can remember everything.

Speaker 4: 10:30

Yeah, she remembers everything. I mean that's how it goes.

Speaker 4: 10:33

But I kept this secret and I would travel back home, keeping the secret, basically living two lives and one day because God know this, god always reveals the truth, always it's always going to come out, and that happened. And so Lisa found out and in my head, as soon as she found out I was, I was kicked out of the house and all those things. I think there's a little bit of a gray area there, but the end result was me leaving the home and I started bumming couches and hanging out and surrounding people, surrounding myself with people that were encouraging my behavior and I'm in the first responder world and so it's not that uncommon to get a divorce. And so it was this encouragement of like, oh well, this just happens, you know, and you're just going to deal with it. And in my head, everybody was going to be fine, right, the Lisa and the kids were going to be fine, I was going to be fine, we were just going to go our separate ways.

Speaker 4: 11:35

And during this time, I wanted nothing to do with God, nothing, and everything I did was to turn my back on him and run the other way. Every single thing I did Didn't want to talk to my parents, because I didn't want them to talk to me about you're doing something bad, you know, but you know the whole thing. Even if they were doing it in a soft way, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear Lisa talking to me about anything like that. I didn't want to hear any of it. I just wanted to keep living this lie, because that's what it was. It was just a lie.

Speaker 4: 12:08

And as this kept going on, I was driving home from another, another weekend of, you know, doing whatever I wanted, right, doing anything. But there was no hint of God in me, right? I wasn't thinking of him, I wasn't listening to anything, I didn't want any of that. So I just spent another weekend of just partying up, doing whatever I wanted, and I was driving back to where I was staying at that point and there was a long drive and as I was driving back again, listening to I don't know what song, whatever song it wasn't Christian, you know, had nothing like that I was just reminiscing, like, what I had done over the weekend. And just, you know, what am I going to have to do tomorrow? Kind of deal.

Speaker 4: 12:52

And I had this. I call it my road to Damascus experience, and it wasn't. You know, there wasn't like the clouds split open and a light shines on my car and stops on my car. It was nothing like that, but it was just this heaviness of God right there and it was a choice he gave me and it wasn't. I wish it was audible, that'd be a really cool story, right, but it wasn't. It wasn't audible. Audible, but it was the loudest thing I had ever heard. And he just gave me a choice on the side of the road and he said you can choose to keep going the way you're going, that's up to you, or you can just turn back to me.

Speaker 4: 13:34

So it wasn't turn back to me and my family's restored and in you know, 12 years we have this ministry that he's given us and all these opportunities. It was nothing like that. It was just literally, keep going down the path you're going or turn to me. And during that choice, you know I'm I'm pulled over the side of the road at this point and I'm emotional wreck and I felt this imminent death. Right, you know, we all know we're all going to die. You know that's not, but this was more of a. You know, sin leads to death. Yes, but this felt very, it felt like my last chance, even though I know that God's a God of chances, right, like he will be there, he wants to give us every opportunity we can. But this truly did feel like this was it. And it wasn't. I didn't feel a pressure to turn back to him, it was just this matter of fact, here's your choice. And so clearly I mean there's no, there's no surprise I did turn back to him, or else I wouldn't be standing here right now. And so clearly I mean there's no, there's no surprise I did turn back to him, or else I wouldn't be standing here right now. But I did, I just turned back to him and I was just, you know, asked for forgiveness and I'm just bawling and I don't know what to do next.

Speaker 4: 14:56

And so my next phone call because I didn't know who, even who reached out to was Lisa. And again it was like what for me? What's okay? I turned back to him what's the next thing I can do of all this stuff that I've messed up? And so then I just asked Lisa if there was a way that we could even work this out. You know, this is by this point we had met with lawyers, we had signed divorce papers, we had done all that. We were just waiting for a judge to sign it. We, we were so far gone. And then I grew up and I think a lot of us grew up this way where this was the, the sin, that that was it. Like if you stepped over this, then you were done, even though I know God's God of forgiveness and I know these things. But this was like no, you can't do this, right, oh?

Speaker 4: 15:49

you know what I'm understanding, like you can't come back from this. This is too far gone and we were far apart at this point, not necessarily, you know, physically, but spiritually, emotionally, like we were. We were done, we were done. So I called her back, asked her if there was any chance we could work this out and that really started this process of wow, this rollercoaster ride of reconciliation and rebuilding trust and and getting getting emotionally connected together again, getting physically connected, spiritually connected. It really just and it was a rollercoaster, you know, I wish I could say it was perfect.

Speaker 1: 16:32

What are you talking?

Speaker 4: 16:33

to immediately. I wish I could say that I walked through that door. You know, 100% changed right. I wish I could say that. And I? I wasn't. I was on the right track, but I still had to detox and I didn't have to detox. I didn't do drugs or anything like that. My detox was physical detox and it was removing myself from, from people calling me, removing myself from friendships that I've made, and and then and then the pornography. This was all a detox process and I and I look back and I get so mad at myself because I'm like God met me. I didn't want to be met, I didn't want to be met and he met me. And you know for me not to just immediately do a 180 and step away from everything I've never understood and maybe someone listening is the same way as I was I never understood the you know jesus leaving the 99 to go after the one. Yeah, never made sense to me because it's like what about the 99?

Speaker 3: 17:59

But that's what it felt like is that he left the 99 to go get you? Yeah, you were the one, yeah.

Speaker 4: 18:06

And so I I that's what I'm saying. It's like our you know this ministry. It was an obligation that I feel and it's the only way that I could really boast about what God continues to do in our lives. But I was still broken so much, and Lisa was broken too, and I had done all that to her, all that to her. And so it was this, this road, and I wish we could give you, like here's, the three steps to in a month, your marriage is going to be awesome. It wasn't like that. There was a road that we had to walk together, and there was times where Lisa definitely had to choose to continue to stay. There was times where I was like what, what is God? Even? Why did he meet me on the side of the road? If this is what's going on, if this is what I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life, not against her, but against things I was still continuing to do. And so that was.

Speaker 1: 19:08

It was a yeah, I mean the crazy thing about it even is an hour after Brad called me, which was a miracle that I had prayed for for months and months and months, because I really was a person who, before this all happened, I had an idea in my head that if something like this happened which it never would, obviously Right, but if it did I would I would never stick around. I would be gone, like why would you ever stick around for something like that? And so, when everything came out, I was really shocked by what God did in my life in that moment, which was this idea of reconciliation and forgiveness being just planted within me really quickly. Honestly, I felt like God gave me the closest I've ever had to. What I feel was a vision was just this moment where I saw Brad on the ground on his knees, and I felt like, just for a fraction of a second, what I felt like was the Lord's love for Brad. It was just like a glimpse, just just like the tiniest little glimpse, and it was overwhelming and it helped me to see him in a way that, um, superseded what my human reaction?

Speaker 1: 20:21

Really not that I, anyone listening to this, please understand I had all the human reactions that you normally have with something like this. I was mad, I was angry at God. I was, you know, did not understand how in the world that I could be in this spot, like there was just. No, there's nothing that made sense to me about how we were at, where we were at. You know people will tell you like, well, can you look back and see where all the little cracks and things like that? Yes, can I say that at this point, our youngest, our third, was nine months old, and that's always a weird time, right, when you are navigating babies, and you know. So, yeah, you feel a little bit more disconnected because, quite frankly, you, you don't even feel like you're yourself yet, right, but other than that, no, there wasn't all of these signs and cracks that were just evident in our life, and so I was just kind of left with this. You know, what I felt was a really solid future, at least aspects of it, right, that were just crumbling before me. And you know, typically you hear stories like this and a betray, betrayer and betrayed, right, usually the betrayed is trying to come home, and you know then someone's like no, you can't come home, right, to come home. And you know then someone's like no, you can't come home Right.

Speaker 1: 21:35

And for me, I was wanting, like, let's do this, let's, let's navigate what this looks like. And Brad was unwilling to reconcile, you know, of course, there was all of these things that were going on in his head and in his life and he wasn't ready to let go of those things. So God had to take me through a process of surrender that was gut-wrenching, because it's really hard to let go of something that's good Right, and my marriage was good Right. And I felt like, okay, well, god, I'm willing to do this thing. So, like, let's do this, like I'll, I'll take the miracle, now make it happen. And you know, god had to just walk me through this process of what it looked like to take my fingers off of something that I was grasping hold of so tightly. Did not think that I was somebody who liked control till I had no control Right. And all of a sudden I'm like I like it Isn't that how it usually comes out right.

Speaker 3: 22:29

That's how it usually comes out when you lose it. That's when you realize how much that you know it's like, yeah, that's a glaring picture, yeah. That's how it goes, for sure, yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:40

He really walked me through Um, and I would feel like at this time in my life too, it's when my faith really became a walking faith, if that makes sense, like it was no longer something that I was, you know.

Speaker 1: 22:54

Yes, I was invested. Yes, I believed all those things. Now it was, I was desperate for it. It was this desperate hunger after what God was saying, what he was doing and his truth, cause I needed truth, I really just needed to be saturated in truth. And so he walked me through that journey and, even as I wanted to have two weeks by myself with just a scream in the woods I think that's where I what I felt I look at it as God's grace that I had these three little kids that needed an intense amount of attention and love, even though I didn't necessarily feel like it was God's grace at that time, but that it allowed me to see joy in the middle of the most painful things.

Speaker 1: 23:36

Right, I mean, how can you look at a chubby, nine-month-old, smiling baby and not smile? Right, you get a chance and the opportunity, the daily routine of life that requires you to live. There was aspects of that that were God's grace in that time, and then he called me to forgive in the middle of all of that that were God's grace in that time. And then he called me to forgive in the middle of all of that, and this was when Brad was still in the doing everything right, which I felt was very unfair. So I was reading a book and it really came. It really was just like this bright light for me where it was like, well, you can choose who you're going to be. You're going to be a bitter and discouraged woman, or you can forgive and you can overcome. And I really felt like that was my fork in the road right. I could see the seeds of bitterness taking root in my life. That was not who I was Like. I normally I am a positive perspective, glass half full kind of person, but I the unfairness of this definitely was propelling me towards just really living in discouragement and bitterness and watching what I felt was my entire life just kind of imploding in front of me. And so God asked me to do those things in the middle of the mess and he taught me a thing or two about forgiveness, right, and all these misconceptions that we have around forgiveness which is like, well, I can't forgive you until you've, like, paid a price, right, I can't forgive you until you ask for it, I can't forgive you until I'm safe, Like all of these things that God had to, you know, really walk me through because it was for me. Ultimately, forgiveness was for me, it was for me to release all of the things that were controlling my mind and heart, that were not healthy for me. So he walked me through that and then I'll tell you this Um, I really was surprised by the fact that I had to do that over and over and over and over again because thought, once I did it and I took that step of obedience, that I would just be able to release it, that and surrender both of those things.

Speaker 1: 25:37

I found very, you know, surprising. I guess I had to do that continually. Right, lord, I've surrendered it, pick it back up. I surrendered it, pick it back up. It's just very interesting how God, I feel like, is always continually teaching us those lessons on surrender and what that looks like. So God was doing this whole process with me before that phone call that Brad gave that night.

Speaker 1: 26:02

And, honestly, because I had been praying and I had been, you know, at this point I was just praying for his salvation I really had had stopped putting my hope in the fact that our marriage was going to be reconciled. I was just like God, reveal yourself to him, like helping to turn to you, no matter what. I knew that I wanted a man who was going to be in my children's life as a, as a good father, no matter what. And so I had to even change the way that I was praying, because at first it was just, like you know, hit him upside the head, you know. And so God had to kind of shift the way that I was praying Right.

Speaker 1: 26:43

And when he did call me and when we did have this miracle, an hour later our, our divorce attorney called and said papers are ready, the judge just needs to sign them. I did not have enough faith in that moment to say rip the papers up. I said, just hold on. I mean, that was that was like all the faith that I had in the world was just to tell him to just hold on to the papers.

Speaker 1: 27:05

And then I really did expect Brad to kind of come in as this miraculously changed individual. I mean I'm like okay, like I'm in the middle of the miracle now, like this miracle that I've prayed for, he's going to come in and we're going to be able to have these like intense spiritual conversations about everything that's happened in the last, you know, nine months of our lives. And instead it was eggshells, right? And it was us looking at each other Like we knew each other forever and didn't know each other at all, and I'm afraid to say you know what we were really thinking or what we were really feeling, cause instead of it helping us to heal, it was just taking us both into a pit and just like sitting in there, right? So walking through the healing process was definitely an opportunity for both of us to learn a lot about our individual walks with Christ. Still, that's a lot to say, but there, there you have it.

Speaker 3: 28:04

What I love about your story, though, is that it you know it's. It's one of the things that that we've tried to teach people also is that they have to be responsible for their walk with the Lord.

Speaker 1: 28:16

Right Yep.

Speaker 3: 28:18

And that's the key, that's the main thing.

Speaker 1: 28:21

Absolutely.

Speaker 3: 28:22

And from there God leads and guides. And, yes, it's a rocky road sometimes. Yes, it's really really hard, but when the Lord is leading and you're attending to your own walk with the Lord, then miracles do happen, don't they? Miracles do happen.

Speaker 2: 28:42

And last month our interview was with a man named Randy Pryor, who had a story that was similar to yours. The difference is he wasn't able to reconcile. He was, but he continues to teach from his perspective. Surrender your life to the Lord and let God do what he wants to do, because you have to make sure that you're doing what God wants you to do before you can ever be the spouse that you should be. And so what did that process look like for the two of you? I'm so grateful that that God brought you to a place of reconciliation reconciliation. I'm so grateful that you know your marriage won out and it survived, because that doesn't always happen. And but, but here we know the process can be messy, and so it's okay if you don't share all the steps of the messy. But what were, what were the things that god did to bring you back to a place where your marriage is what it is today?

Speaker 1: 29:41

like we said, it was super easy and yeah I'm not sure why, so that yeah unicorns right man, I think there were so many things that you know, we our number one piece of advice, exactly like you said, as we tell people, your individual pursuit of Christ is the key. That is our biggest piece of advice because, no matter what you need that, you absolutely unequivocally need that and we needed that for both of our healing. I mean, brad can talk about his battle with shame through all that, but for us, like that reconnecting side of things, yeah, it was messy, it wasn't perfect. It was us getting to know, almost like a, two new people, right, but at this point, two new people who were both very broken. So I would say the few things that we did right right away was because we moved immediately, which was, you know, always tell people, don't do anything major in the first year you know, and God used that.

Speaker 1: 30:50

I'm so forever grateful when I look back at how God just surrounded us with levels of grace that we didn't even know we needed during that time. And, you know, even when I look back at financial decisions that we were making, you know, because you just stopped caring about things that you normally would care about right Like because this is so front and center, you know, you're so focused in emotionally, like that's taking all of your capacity right then to just heal. So we got connected with a local church right away and you know it was truly a God ordained moment and church and we decided right away that we were going to meet with the pastor and we were going to be upfront about who we were and what we were going through. Decided right away that we were going to meet with the pastor and we were going to be upfront about who we were and what we were going through. I think that was a really big deal for both of us because the local pastor breathed hope over us in that moment Hope is so powerful.

Speaker 4: 31:45

He didn't even bat an eye at the story Like that was the first time I had ever shared our story and it wasn't. It probably wasn't exactly what I did today. No, no. But it was. It was like we're both just trying to get through this. And I remember thinking like I'm waiting for him to just have this. You know, judgment face.

Speaker 1: 32:08

You're in the back row for the rest of your life, yeah kind of deal right, and it wasn't.

Speaker 4: 32:12

It was just this hope. And he saw. I wish I can remember exactly what he said. I don't even know if he remembered we still are close with them but he said something to the effect of like I could see where God can take you right, I could see what he could do with you, do in you, right. And so it was. It was, it was hope over us. And you know also, we didn't do, we didn't seek counseling, we didn't seek we don't recommend anything I'm saying right now other than get connected to your local church.

Speaker 4: 32:52

But we did. We didn't seek anyone out for help.

Speaker 1: 32:55

We felt so isolated.

Speaker 4: 32:57

We did, and I don't know there was. There, for sure were resources for this. I don't know if it was as prevalent as it is now, but for sure there were resources, but we didn't. I know. For me it didn't even cross my mind, because I was. I was drowning in shame, like drowning in it. Even though God had delivered me, I was still just drowning in shame, and so I don't. I don't even know if it crossed your mind to go.

Speaker 1: 33:22

It did. But you know anytime that you're talking about counseling, coaching, any kind of thing, it's only as effective as what you can actually do in there right, how honest as you can be, as willing as you are to do the work. I think in that moment I recognize we were not in a space where that was going to be the best avenue, in that moment, that we had some, but it would have probably been very helpful if we had actually gone.

Speaker 4: 33:48

But I think, like during this time, yes, I was pursuing my walk with Christ. Right, I was. I was trying to learn to do that. I didn't know what that looked like and and it wasn't you know, I'm not going to blame my parents or my grandparents or uncle, it wasn't anything like that, it was just that I was always in it. So I didn't realize, like, well, what is this to really put like, to really dive into this, how do I do this? And so I was learning that and I was messing up, still messing up on stupid things, still trying to like shake all this stuff off.

Speaker 4: 34:26

And it wasn't I don't know how many, what, like maybe a year, I don't even know the timeframe, but I finally got connected in a, in a men's. It was like a, it was a virtual, it was a nationwide like virtual men's thing. And I got connected in that and I started just doing the devotions they were setting out and really, one big thing and something we tell couples all the time when they start doing this is I started memorizing scripture, you know, and I think it's a lost I don't like putting it like this, but I think it's a lost art and but it's something that I dealt with a lot of temptations. Still right, I was still, I was still traveling for work, I still had the same job, we were still going out and doing stuff and and around the country, right, not just, you know, in and out, just you know, the East coast, west coast, all over the place. And so during that time it was like I would still have temptations that I'd have to deal with.

Speaker 4: 35:26

And it wasn't until I had this, you know, epiphany, really this God moment where Jesus fought temptation by repeating, by memorizing scripture, by basically just fighting it with scripture. And it hit me. I'd heard that story countless times, like I had heard that story from the pulpit, I'd heard it in Sunday school, I'd heard it all over the place. But it hit me then because I'm like the perfect man to ever walk the earth right, sinless, perfect. And he fought temptation with scripture. And I'm like me. Why am I not doing that? So I started memorizing scripture to combat temptation.

Speaker 4: 36:10

I didn't do, you know, behavior modifications or anything like that, where you know like, oh, I'm going to go run, you know, go go get my workout in, so I don't have to be tempted. I didn't do that because I did see, even though in my infancy of of breaking this shame and temptation, I did see that as more of a bandaid for me than it was of actual like. No, I want to. I want to change my heart and I know if I can transform this, if God can train, I can't do it. I know if God can work this through me then I won't be tempted.

Speaker 4: 36:46

Now I look at that part of my life and it is. It's disgusting when I think about it. It really is. It makes me like I don't have those urges, those. I don't look that way because it just really is like something that I don't want in my life at all. But through that, the biggest thing I learned memorizing scripture, and then my priority, and still is to this day, is God, is Jesus. That is my priority. There's nothing else that gets in the way. That is my sole priority, and throughout the day and this is because of years of you- know, Didn't start off this way, didn't start off this way.

Speaker 4: 37:29

Please don't hear that. This is from years of walking this out and and my discipline, like God, working on my discipline and pushing me, reading the Bible, doing devotions. This is years of it. But I I used to say get your priorities right. And then some good friends of ours were like, do you know that the word priorities was pluralized just in recent history? And I was like, yeah, it makes sense, because the definition doesn't even make it plural right. And so that really hit me. And now it's like no, I don't prior, my priorities aren't aligned. My priority is aligned and it is my walk with Christ. It is my daily devotions.

Speaker 4: 38:09

I saturate my life daily now with Jesus. I listen to Caleb. I didn't used to listen to Caleb, it used to bother me so much, I just really did. And now like that's all. That's on my in my car or I'm playing Christian music through my phone, whatever it is.

Speaker 4: 38:26

But I want to saturate my day with Jesus, like I want to start the day out with him and go throughout my day.

Speaker 4: 38:34

I have things I have to do for work, I can't walk around and just, you know, read the Bible all day, but in a realistic way I saturate my life with him and I want to end my day with him.

Speaker 4: 38:47

And because of all that, my like, the line of what I'm responsible for, what God has given me, has fallen into place. It doesn't mean that it's perfect and it doesn't mean that it's not hard, but it's fallen into place, right? My wife, then my kids, my marriage, then my kids. You know, then, it's just this. It just everything falls in place and because of him I'm able to lead like I need to lead, and and we're able to. You know, our ministry is called Unrelenting Pursuit, for a reason I haven't stopped my pursuit of since then right, I can't say before, but since then I haven't stopped my pursuit, my personal pursuit with Christ. I haven't stopped my pursuit to be a better husband through him, to be a better father through him, to be a better man through him, and I constantly want to pursue Lisa. So we want an unrelated pursuit in all aspects of our life pointing towards Christ.

Speaker 1: 39:53

Yeah, and the more that I saw that in him, the more that I was able to navigate, obviously, the fear and all those things that were the battle in my own mind that was really taking place, the ownership I wanted to have over his behavior right. I wanted you know, whether or not it was good or bad, there was a level of ownership that I wanted to take right. Somehow it was my responsibility, and the more that I saw him lean into Christ, the more I could see that in myself and that process of surrender again, where I can't own his behavior right. There's, there's no level of anything I can do that makes Brad a better man. Brad has to be a better man because that is who he is called to be and ultimately that's his relationship with Christ that that compels that.

Speaker 1: 40:41

You know, we developed the guardrails, we developed accountability. We walked out those steps right, that God showed us along the way. Right Cause we were going to do what we, whatever we could do. We were going to live like nobody else so that we could have our life like nobody else. Like Dave Ramsey says about money, right, we were going to do that with our marriage. We were going to set some, some ruthless standards that we were going to abide in in order to protect what we value most, and that's been a really beautiful picture of how we've been able to connect again. And I will tell you just to kind of give that hope carrier message, right Our marriage is better than either one of us could ever imagine that it could be. We have definitely faced the things that should have broken us and we have walked out the that got.

Speaker 1: 41:31

Reconciliation is God's business. It's literally who he is Right, and so he entrusts us that ministry. He entrusts us with a ministry of reconciliation. So our marriage, like our lives, we get a chance to just live that out. It is so possible If you guys are willing to do the work, if you guys pursue Christ the two of you it's unbelievable what God can do in those places. It's amazing, and we have gotten to live that out, and so that's that's really why we have unrelenting pursuit, why we do what we do, because we get a chance to have that front row seat to continue to see what God can do. Not that every story has this magical ending, because that's not what it is, but our heart is to see people ultimately recognize that Jesus has them that there is hope for their future. No matter whether or not their marriage in and of itself is saved, there is still hope.

Speaker 3: 42:30

I love that hope message. I think that that is just that's something that couples really, in fact, not just couples, that is something that people in general need to hear, and so because it's just such an important, important message, yeah, there's hope in Christ and I also appreciate sharing that.

Speaker 2: 42:49

You know, growing up in church your whole life, but coming to a place where you realize that God was calling you into a very personal relationship with Jesus Christ and taking ownership not only of the things that were going on in your life but of that responsibility to surrender, humbly surrender, to the Lord, jesus Christ, what a powerful thing. And you know, I know that there's couples who are listening right now who are still, you know, still in the struggle. They're still in the hurt, they're still dealing with some of the things that lead to shame. And the message of hope that you've shared today is really, really powerful and I'm really grateful for it. But then also, what would you tell that couple who says we're in the process of trying to reconcile, we're in the process of working this out, but they just don't understand what the timeframe is going to be? What did you?

Speaker 4: 43:44

learn.

Speaker 2: 43:45

Because I know, I know I'm kind of lobbing this one to you, because we know that, um, you know it's not one of those things, just like you can't get three steps, there's not a specific time. But what did you learn about God's timing through what he's done in your relationship?

Speaker 4: 44:00

Oh, I mean, it's God's timing is perfect. Yeah, um, but you want to rush it. Um, but you want to rush it I? Yes, to give a little example, I, I really did not heal, heal from my shame until just a couple of years ago. It really it was something that I didn't realize that was eating away at me, but that was just a couple of years ago. And and that that while I was spending time with God, while I was praying that this, you know he's speaking to me and just making me realize. You know that I need to let it go Right and really speak it to me that way. But you know, that's, I guess, his timing's perfect, even though, as humans, we want to rush it, but through, even though I wish that everything would have been done quickly and we would have been like happily ever after, immediately, there was such healing and learning through our walk yeah through all the trials we went through, through me not fully giving up everything through.

Speaker 4: 45:10

You know, lisa, learning to let go of control and and doing all these things. There was so much in there that we learned that now. Yes, I do wish it would have been shorter, but looking back it was perfect.

Speaker 3: 45:23

Yeah, that was part of the equipping that. God has done in your life for your ministry. Absolutely, that's what.

Speaker 1: 45:30

I was going to say there's purpose in the process. That would be my encouragement to someone listening. I think what we have seen happen with couples is when you try to rush through the process right, you become satisfied with halfway healing.

Speaker 1: 45:47

And that's not what God has for you. There's this element that you have to walk through. There are lessons that you have to learn. I would love to tell you that you're going to be just stick with it for six months and it's all going to be great. We often say that there's always something else that needs to be healed.

Speaker 1: 46:06

I thought I was just going to say there's always something else, right, god's always showing you something else, another layer, like that's, that's life, it's just part of it. Not that we're just sitting there like with this gaping wound that we're still dealing with from infidelity. It's more just like who we are as individuals, the things that we need to address, like how we parent, how we operate in our marriage, who we are as people. Right, there's this level of recognition that our pursuit has to also be our unrelenting pursuit of growth which means there's always something else to heal from.

Speaker 1: 46:36

Like that's, that's the reality. I think that's why we walk through this life with this, with this, you know, heavenly mindset, right, the eternal perspective, because it's never going to be perfect here on earth, that's okay.

Speaker 3: 46:52

But the unrelenting ripple effect like that's the vision that comes to mind is this ripple effect that God is is providing because of the things that you have gone through. You know your children are going to have examples and encouragement from you guys. That wouldn't be there had you not gone through the same thing.

Speaker 3: 47:14

You know the things that you're going to be able to teach them when they're old enough to start dating and start picking a husband or a wife. You know, and all the things this is going to be, this wealth of information. God has a testimony for you and it was about all the things that you have gone through. That's all part of the testimony, and they couldn't have saved you from that, because that was God's intention for you to know the things that you know right. How you learn them might have been different, but it was.

Speaker 2: 47:51

God's intention for you to know the things that you know right and so you know, even though we we uh have our hearts broken because of the pain that that is gone through, and for our listeners right now, if you're going through those difficult things, our hearts are broken, that you have to go through the pain. However, those things that that God will do in the midst of it are things that are amazing. We get to see God's word played out in practical reality where, even in the midst of our hardest day, god works all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose. And so, again, just love the Lord and as you love the Lord. It's not going to stop that there's pain in the process, but you'll get to see, as you shared, there's purpose in the process and we're really grateful for that. And today we're just so thankful that Brad and Elisa Valencia have joined us and we want to encourage you. If you'd like to hear about the coaching they provide or you'd like to listen to the Unrelenting Pursuit podcast, go to their website, unrelentingpursuitorg, and we'll make sure that those are linked in the show notes. But again, thank you so much for joining us today.

Speaker 2: 49:07

On the Vision Driven Marriage.

Speaker 1: 49:09

Absolutely Thanks for having us. It was awesome.

Speaker 2: 49:15

Thank much for joining us today on the Vision Driven Marriage Absolutely. Thanks for having us. It was awesome. Thank you guys Love it. And again for those of you who've been listening, we want to encourage you not only to let God speak to you and for you to seek after God's will for your own life, but we want you to know that we continue to pray that God will solidify your marriage. We're Doug and Leslie Davis, again thanking Brad and Lisa Valencia. This is the Vision Driven Marriage. God bless you.