Eliza Parkinson: Parenting a child with Special Needs

Join us as we chat with Eliza Parkinson, an alcohol mindset coach, who shares her journey from social drinking in her teens to the pressures of "mommy drinking culture" during motherhood. Eliza faced emotional turmoil, especially after her second child was diagnosed with special needs, and turned to alcohol to cope.

Discover how Eliza realised that alcohol was the problem, not her, and her path to recovery with support from figures like Annie Grace and Laura McKowen. Her story highlights the importance of self-forgiveness and understanding addiction as a societal issue.

Eliza discusses the unique challenges faced by parents of special needs children and the crucial role of a support system. She shares how her drinking affected her family, her journey to regain trust, and the self-care practices like yoga and meditation that helped her maintain sobriety. Eliza's message is clear: recovery is achievable with the right support, transforming not just your life but also the lives of those around you. Tune in to hear about the power of community in overcoming addiction and finding hope amidst challenges.

Eliza's Website: https://www.elizaparkinson.com/

Instagram accounts which Eliza follows: 

autismsupermoms

exceptionalneedstoday

specialneedssupermoms

autismadvocateparentingmag

MEG

Megan Webb: https://glassfulfilled.com.au
Instagram: @glassfulfilled
Unwined Bookclub: https://www.alcoholfreedom.com.au/unwinedbookclub
Sober Socialising workshop at Seadrift Distillery: https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/confident-and-cozy-alcohol-free-socialising-for-winter-tickets-934198341387?aff=oddtdtcreator

BELLA

Isabella Ferguson: https://isabellaferguson.com.au
Instagram: @alcoholandstresswithisabella
Free 5-Day DO I HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM? Clarify and focus series: https://resources.isabellaferguson.com.au/doIhaveadrinkingproblemwithisabellaferguson
Alcohol Freedom Small Group Challenge - Register here: https://resources.isabellaferguson.com.au/alcoholfreedomchallenge
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:33

Today on the podcast I have Eliza Parkinson. Eliza is a friend of mine who I met while we were studying this Naked Mind coaching together, and I'm so happy to have her here. Eliza is an alcohol mindset coach. Welcome to the podcast, Eliza.

Speaker 2: 1:47

Thank you, megan, I'm so happy to be here.

Speaker 1: 1:50

So good to have you. Can we start with you telling us a bit about your story and how you got to where you are today?

Speaker 2: 1:57

Sure. So I guess I've told this story a lot through this naked mind, but never on a podcast, so I'm super excited to do that. So I was one of those drinkers that sort of started drinking in my teenage years and then when I began, then it was sort of normalized through university and all of that like just drank sort of in a normal way, I suppose, for university students, which was a lot. And then when I got married and had children, I found that I became a mommy drinker. I was one of those people that I quit drinking when I was pregnant. In fact, one part of my story is that I am an incredible quitter.

Speaker 1: 2:52

Oh, I love that.

Speaker 2: 2:53

I was. I like I'm one of those people that could take a challenge and quit yeah, I could. You know, just give me a challenge and I can do it. I call myself a professional quitter, so I was really good at quitting drinking. I would take huge breaks from it and then come back to it. I would convince myself that it just wasn't a big problem in my life and I would come back to it. So I could do that over and over and over again.

Speaker 2: 3:25

And when I, when I had children and my kids started, became school age, I became part of the mommy drinking culture which was really pushed on us. I find like it was. It was pushed on us through social media. That's when social media really started up, when my kids were little, through, just, um, birthday parties how much wine do I need to buy? How much should I bring a bottle to a birthday party, to a two-year-old's birthday party? It just became, you know, really part of my culture and the society's culture was mommy drinking and it was really pushed on. I feel like it was really pushed on. I feel like it was really pushed on on me and us as moms as a way to cope, as a way to get through, you know, homework hour, all of those things, and I felt I totally fit that profile 100%.

Speaker 2: 4:13

I had my second child. We knew fairly soon on that there was something a little different about her and I remember her getting diagnosed with hip dysplasia, which I know a lot of people don't really associate all the time with children, more with dogs and things like that. But my daughter had a kind of hip dysplasia and she had to be in a brace for months and months from the age of like four months to 10 months and I remember that I had already been taught through my son that drinking was a way to parent and with my daughter, when things like that would happen with her, because my daughter has special needs, I would use alcohol to cope with her with all of the stress of the unknown of the future, what was going to happen, with different medical diagnoses. She had trouble breathing. I would use alcohol to cope and I really think that it was a fear of the unknown, a fear of the future.

Speaker 1: 5:20

Yeah, that's really hard I can't imagine. But I do know that alcohol is such a tool, isn't it? To cope.

Speaker 2: 5:28

Yeah, and I think that within the special needs parent world, there's a tremendous amount of shame around using alcohol to cope more than a typical parent. Because you have to be your child's advocate, you have to go to so many more meetings.

Speaker 2: 5:45

You have to, you have to, like, think things through Like you. Really, you're sort of held up as someone who has to look after a child on a whole other level, who has to look after a child on a whole other level, and the stress of that and drinking really sets, puts you in a place of shame, like horrible shame about drinking and dealing with your child. So that's where I was, that's where I was.

Speaker 1: 6:10

That's just. It's so hard. I work with children with autism and the parents are absolute heroes in my eyes.

Speaker 2: 6:20

Thank you, yeah, I think that when your child gets diagnosed with autism or, like my daughter, she has an intellectual disability with a lot of aspects of autism it's like you've really aspects of autism, it's like you really, your whole world shifts and it really changes. And you, first of all, you have to mourn the child that you thought that you were going to have, because you have an ideal version of what that child is. And in our culture, mourning is very much associated with alcohol as well. You know how to feel better. Have something to drink, how you know you need. You need a drink to deal with this, and so I think that there there's an element of mourning and then there's unknown fear. How am I going to navigate this? And everybody tells you you're not given, not given. You know, there's a reason why you have a child like this. You were never, you're never, you're never. Um, what is? What is that saying Megan about?

Speaker 1: 7:29

having your only yes. You're only given what you can handle you.

Speaker 2: 7:35

There's something like that, and I was like, holy shit, this is just, I can't handle this. This is really really, really hard. Yeah, so I I drank quite a bit, and not every night. Like I said, I was a professional quitter, so I turned I. Becoming a professional quitter also turns you into a kind of binge drinker, so I could go forever and ever and ever and not drink, or just for a week and not drink, and then when I did drink, I would drink until I at the end, when I eventually stopped drinking, I was blacking out yeah, and how old is your daughter now?

Speaker 2: 8:17

she's 22 now. Wow, 22. Yeah, I have a 24 year old, a 22 year old, a 24 year old son, a 22 year old daughter and a 28 year old step son.

Speaker 1: 8:30

I I mean hats off to you. You're amazing, and and even more so that you have kicked the bloody drink.

Speaker 2: 8:39

That's huge. Well, I know it was really the last day that I drank was really what made me find the way out. I had searched for a therapist that would help me and I found someone and she helped me for a while.

Speaker 2: 9:01

She helped me to get to a place of moderation for a period of time, but I found that moderation took up an enormous amount of energy. I was constantly planning around how much I could drink when I could drink, it would, and there were just too many rules for me. But I wanted to moderate. I really did. I wanted to have alcohol in my life. I really did. I didn't. I hadn't taken down beliefs about whether it was good for me or bad for me. I had no, I had no idea. All I knew is that I wanted it in my life and I just. But I didn't want it to take over my life.

Speaker 2: 9:37

And then I, during COVID, um, drank to excess. After a big break from drinking, one of those things, um and my son and my special needs daughter had to help me to bed and I don't remember any of it. So I woke up in the morning and I felt like hell, obviously, um, and I just started googling. I started googling and googling and googling until I found what I had been looking for for a long time, which was really women of my age that were in the same predicament and where did you find that?

Speaker 2: 10:22

I found this Instagram site actually, I can't remember what it was called, um, what was it called, anyway, I can't remember what it was called. What was it called, anyway, I can't remember what it was called. It was an Instagram site and in it somebody mentioned this naked mind and so I just clicked on, I just like looked up this naked mind. I found the alcohol experiment and I did it, and then I went straight into the path and amazing, yeah, exactly, and so, and then, so many years later, I am now coaching in the path. So that's yeah, I know. Can you believe it? It's such an amazing thing.

Speaker 1: 10:56

It's a it's a full, a full circle moment, isn't it? The path for those that don't know is a program in this naked mind that's a year long. So that was a really big thing for you, was it? I didn't. I'm coaching in the path too. It's incredible. How was your experience in it?

Speaker 2: 11:13

It was amazing. I actually couldn't believe that I pressed pay when I did it, because it was such a long commitment. I just couldn't believe that I was signing up for it. But I did and I'm really happy that I took that leap and did it. You know just what? Two weeks ago my daughter went to visit her dad in Montreal I'm in Canada and so she took the train on her own to Montreal to visit him and they were going to the States on holiday and I packed the wrong passport and at 1.30 in the morning I got a call saying Mom, daddy just checked and we can't go. I don't have my passport. But guess what? I wasn't drunk, I wasn't even hungover. I could manage that situation and we got the passport to her.

Speaker 1: 12:15

Oh, amazing.

Speaker 2: 12:16

None of this can happen. None of this can happen when you're drinking. Yeah, I think what was really a turning point for me was seeing it only as an addictive drug, as something that everybody can really get addicted to, and that I had just become addicted to something that was addictive and because of that I could forgive myself, and once I forgave myself for it, I could really see a way through.

Speaker 1: 12:43

It's really, really incredible, isn't it, how, once that you know, we learn these things that can take away that shame, and by sharing and by connecting. And when you said, you found people or a group on Instagram that helped you, it's so good these days that we can find people in the same situation because, gosh, that's got a huge impact.

Speaker 2: 13:06

Yeah, exactly, situation because, gosh, that's got a huge impact. Yeah, exactly, and I think that there was like this movement, all that sort of started in the ether around the same time when Annie Grace from this Naked Mind, laura McCowan from we Are the Luckiest, holly Whitaker from uh, what's her book? What's her book, holly Whitaker? Anyway, all of these women started realizing that there wasn't something wrong with them. There was something wrong with alcohol and there was something wrong with our society that was pushing it on us and and they all started this sort of it was like this collective unconscious about alcohol and women. And that's what I stumbled into on Instagram and these were all women that I could relate to. It was incredible. It was incredible to find that because I didn't want to, I didn't like the feeling that I was an alcoholic, yep.

Speaker 1: 14:11

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 14:12

And that stopped me from getting help for so long. Quit like a woman.

Speaker 1: 14:17

That's it. I just looked that up too, and there was also Catherine Gray.

Speaker 2: 14:22

Yes, I read that one too at the same time. So all of a sudden, there's all of these people that are uh smart, intelligent, beautiful, uh women that are discovering that they've been caught in the alcohol trap. Yeah, and they want out, you know, and and they started exploring it and I found that I found those people and it was like, oh my gosh, I don't have to be an alcoholic to be to to question my relationship with alcohol. You know, I quit, I can just not drink because it's not good for you. So it was quite. It was quite an eye opener.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Oh, totally, I was in the same, obviously the same time, and I found those women too and it was just serendipity. I don't know if it all happened at the right time, but you're absolutely right and it just takes away that shame. You know we're not alone. It is an addictive substance. No one would bat an eyelid if you tried heroin and got addicted. It's addictive.

Speaker 1: 15:30

And alcohol is addictive and, like you said, it was everywhere when we were parenting. I mean, even yesterday, someone I saw put up a post on you know, watches, um, like I say, an Apple Watch can track your steps. It actually tracked someone's fitness for the day and it came up with you have earned seven glasses of wine, what? Wow, yes, I know that's. I saw that from on Facebook somewhere in me someone's photo and it's just like what the I mean. And then under it it said drink responsibly. I mean, how crazy is that? But yeah, it's just crazy. And, like you said, birthday parties for babies, like that was, that was just um, expected. You know you had the alcohol, you were going and drinking. I mean it. It is. It's a very big pressure or expectation from society and and mothers these days like, do it all, and particularly when you've got a child with special needs. Like you said, you are advocating for them every day. That is.

Speaker 2: 16:43

It is exhausting. One of the things that we teach in the path, one of the things we coach in the path, is trying to keep yourself above 50% and that's incredibly difficult for a special needs mother. And I was lucky. You know, my daughter can walk, she can talk. We didn't know that she'd be able to, but she can walk, she can talk, she can now navigate. We didn't know that she'd be able to, but she can walk, she could talk. She can now navigate the bus system, like. She can do things like that. She doesn't have defiance disorder or like or defiance issues.

Speaker 2: 17:18

But there are parents as out there that are coping with really hard, hard, hard situations like that and I think one of the reasons that I wanted to come on your podcast is to let them know that they're not alone If they're using alcohol to cope. There is a whole bunch of us that were and that are using alcohol to cope in the special needs world. You're not alone. You know, and it's so understandable why you are. It is a hard world to navigate. You're constantly. You know, especially if you're underfunded. You know it's hard not to get the resources to help your child. Everybody tells you early intervention is key. But if you can't find it, it's so frustrating it all falls on you.

Speaker 2: 18:11

I think one of the things that parents don't understand when they don't have a special needs child is that it's really easy to play with a typical child. It's super easy to play with a typical child because there's a back and forth happening all the time, but with a special needs child it's a one way thing, so it's not very forgiving, it's not very like you don't. A parent gets a lot back from a typical child and it's very don't get a lot back immediately anyway, and and so it hurts. And you're constantly projecting this into the future. I still am, she's 22. I don't know what's next, but I know that I have the resources, like the mental resources, because I'm not drinking now.

Speaker 1: 19:02

That's amazing and so hopeful for other parents dealing with that, and I just wanted to ask quickly when you were, when your daughter was a bit younger, and when you were drinking, how did you cope the next day, for example Because we know that the day after is just shit when you drink anyway how did you cope?

Speaker 2: 19:23

It was horrendous, it was absolute. That was why I was such a good quitter, I think, because the day after I would say if I could just be drunk I'd be fine. It was the next day having to get up early, get your kids to school, fake being hung over, not being hung over, you know, just trying to get through the day, not being able to wait until, like you know, it was pick up time when you could pass out, you know, after dinner. It was a real slog. And the other part of the story is that what happens is, with parents like that, with parents like I was, is that doctors will then try to prescribe things for you. So I was put on. Um, well, I agreed to take Paxil because it was very difficult to deal with this. What's?

Speaker 1: 20:19

Paxil.

Speaker 2: 20:21

Paxil is like. What do you call it? Oh God, menopause brain. You know it's an antidepressant because you can become a little dyscopic when you're overwhelmed. You can become a little discopic when when you're overwhelmed with special needs. So they medicate medicate the parents to make them be able to cope. But the side effect of these kind of drugs is that they give you no sense of consequence for the next day. You're living very much in the present tense. Yeah, so it. I don't know if there's been a study with SSRIs and alcohol use, but I think that possibly my alcohol use ramped up because of taking that right, wow do you see like there's?

Speaker 2: 21:12

I don't. It's a weird world, yeah definitely.

Speaker 1: 21:17

Well, I can't even imagine how you coped like that next day, because I spent a lot of that in bed and there would be, like you mentioned, the shame, and it's just so. I'm so happy you're here to let other people know that they're not alone in dealing with that absolutely alcohol is a isn't.

Speaker 1: 21:38

It's a coping mechanism that we can get out of control and and I just want people to know that that's not their fault you're doing, you are doing the best you can. You, you're trying to get through and then it, you know, the tolerance builds and you end up relying on it. But in the situation that you were in, of course, of course, people are going to reach out for something. So I just want people to know that they're not alone and there is a way out of it, like for you now to be free of alcohol. How is it different, parenting?

Speaker 2: 22:10

Well, I think the biggest part of it is that I trust myself. And in trusting myself, my children trust me and my husband trusts me. My second husband trusts me. I think what was really heartbreaking is I remember my daughter saying, you know, before going to a dinner party oh, mom, you're not going to drink too much, are you tonight?

Speaker 2: 22:34

Yeah, she was very aware of it yeah um, she was very, very aware of it and in those situations, at the dinner, at these barbecues or whatever that we were going to, she needed me to be her ally, to advocate for her socially in those situations. And I was drinking so she would lose me. Mommy was gone and that was very difficult for her. And she can still talk because she doesn't have a big filter. She can still. She still remembers helping me to bed that last night that I drank Wow, that last night that I drank Wow. So there, so I, you know it's um, but now she trusts me, she really trusts me.

Speaker 2: 23:22

We have a beautiful relationship and everybody in my family, um, I mean, it may sound old fashioned, but I do think in families the mom is very much the, but I do think in families the mom is very much like the tree, like the trunk of the tree in the family, yeah, and when it's not solid, the whole family suffers, their interrelationships suffer, and so, with me not drinking very subtly, all the relationships in our family are better Because everybody trusts everybody more. Yeah, it's really so much better. And I'm not saying every day is great. Life is life.

Speaker 1: 24:03

Absolutely so. I know that you know when we're in that drinking cycle, we can't even imagine a life without it. And so in your situation, and now, how do you look after yourself? How do you?

Speaker 2: 24:18

get that relief for that break. Well, I guess it was during COVID that I learned that I need time on my own. I'm from I'm from a family where three kids one after the other, and I'm the middle child, so I had never really been alone my whole life. But I love my time alone. I like to wake up early, I wake up super early, and these days I do yoga in the morning, just spend some time on my own, and it sets me up for the whole day, the whole day. I feel better. Now, that's not always possible, but I listen to myself. Now I listen to myself.

Speaker 2: 25:00

Let's say, let's say I get a craving Okay, because these can come out of the blue. I say this craving is almost like a gift. It is trying to tell me that I'm not looking after myself in some way, that I need to rest, I need to sleep, I need to eat, like, um, I, what's, what's that halt? I need like what, you know? Am I? Am I hungry? Am I anxious or angry? You know? Am I lonely? Am I tired? For me, it's usually I'm tired, I'm hungry, anxious or angry. Not angry, but anxious. You know about something? Yeah, and meditation. I learned how to meditate, breathing exercises.

Speaker 1: 25:44

Yes, yes, that's what I was going to say for parents that might not have time every morning or whatever it is, but I love that you start your day looking after yourself. The breathing exercises and meditation are so effective, even in small doses yeah, I mean during COVID.

Speaker 2: 26:01

Uh, we were all together all the time oh yeah and and so that's when I learned that I had to get up. Yeah, um, because as soon as my daughter was up because she's an early riser at seven, that's it. So I needed to give my time. I needed to give myself some time before that, you know, just just a half an hour, just 20 minutes of me time to set me up for the rest of the day. Yes, if that's all I could have, that's, that's what I would do. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 26:34

Yeah, and then you're, you know, you've got that clarity for the day.

Speaker 2: 26:37

Like comparing that to hangovers, it's just yeah, I know, waking up every morning without a hangover is remarkable. I remember the first time I was sick after I gave up drinking. I woke up and I felt like horrible and all of a sudden I felt guilty for feeling horrible and was an honest flu. But I but I had a reflex of feeling guilt and shame when I felt that way from being hung over yeah yeah, and and and it was.

Speaker 2: 27:15

it was again another little gift. It was like, oh my gosh, what a reminder of how awful I felt all the time with that guilt and shame, because, beyond the physical, the guilt and shame was horrendous, you know so, and it was such, it was such a reminder. Oh my gosh, I used to feel like this all the time, guilty, shameful, like oh my gosh. What did I say last night, checking my phone to see what text was there? Oh, it was really, really awful, horrible.

Speaker 1: 27:51

I used to hide. I used to hide the kids um technology, you know, say it was an ipod, ipad or something, and forget that I'd hidden it. Yeah, and then the next day I'd have to pretend that I remembered but I'd be like, well, give me 10 minutes because I've got to have a shower or something. And then I'd have to think about and have a look at all the spots, like God, it's so nice not to forget everything. It's so nice.

Speaker 2: 28:18

I think the other thing that happens, especially with me with special needs, is that my marriage really ended, because you know a lot, I think 80% of parents with kids with special needs their marriage doesn't last, and that was something else that I dealt with. That was all sort of somewhat related was divorce and getting through it, but the other side of that was that I would get a break from her. Yeah, yeah, I would get a break from being a parent, but the transition from parenting to getting a break from parenting was drinking.

Speaker 1: 28:57

Annie Grace says you know, it was an act of self-love Drinking. That's what we knew at the time. It was giving our emotions and thoughts a break. So we've got to. You know, we've learned compassion in this journey.

Speaker 2: 29:11

That's right. When I'm coaching people, I like to ask them tell me about the care that you do right now, tell me about what you do right now, or tell me about your day, and let's find examples of self-care that are already in place in your day. And alcohol was a kind of self-care. It was a kind of looking after me, to give myself a break, to numb myself from those difficult feelings.

Speaker 1: 29:43

But giving myself a break was really what, what it was yeah, yeah, and then ultimately it makes everything worse, but at the time you're getting that relief for that period of time. Well, interesting it is, it is, and and I'm just so uh happy that you've come on and and spoken about this and I want everyone with children with special needs to know they're not alone. And also you, you do offer coaching one-on-one, don't you? Eliza?

Speaker 2: 30:14

I do. I do in Canada. It's very difficult with an Australian time time difference, so I'll I'll leave the Aussies to you, but if anybody in North America or Europe is listening, I'd happily work with them. Yeah, I'd happily work with someone from Australia too.

Speaker 1: 30:33

It's just very difficult with the time change as yeah, the times, oh my gosh, the times are tricky, and now I'm I'm studying an English course and the times are even trickier over there. It's um being down under here, but yeah, yeah, if someone, look, australians can reach out anyway to you and just have a chat if they, if they wanted absolutely.

Speaker 2: 30:57

I would love to hear from anybody yeah, yeah, and what I'll do.

Speaker 1: 31:01

I'll get you to let me know any links or or even things like the Instagram groups that you might follow that I can put in the show notes for people, just for that extra support.

Speaker 2: 31:14

Yeah, there are amazing groups, just not to do with alcohol, but special needs groups on Instagram that just are very supportive of people you know, with kids, with, with differences yeah, that that'd be great.

Speaker 1: 31:28

I'll get them from you because I think I know for me and, like you've said, the, the Instagram groups I've found, even just scrolling through in the morning, just the quotes or just go. Oh my gosh, I know, I understand that, I understand that I'm not alone. You know, it can be really helpful, that's right.

Speaker 2: 31:46

Feeling like I wasn't alone was such a huge part of this for me.

Speaker 1: 31:51

Yes, absolutely yeah, and there's, and I see parents at my work who don't have any connections and that the connections are out there. So I want to, yeah, yeah, put a list of things in the show notes for people to start having a look of where they can connect because, like you said as well, the financial support's not always there. I know that parents at my work have to fight for every cent and that can sometimes be too hard on top of everything they're dealing with it's.

Speaker 2: 32:20

It's not fair, it is, it's. It's. It's pretty cruel to ask a parent who is dealing um with with the neurodivergent or really special needs child to then have to fight for everything you know it's. It is really hard oh yeah, it's awful.

Speaker 1: 32:41

I really, really feel for anyone in that situation. So knowing you're not alone and getting at least to be able to find a group where you can see that you're not alone is going to be really helpful. And, like you said, eliza, it won't have to be to do with alcohol necessarily. Let's just put up some resources anyway.

Speaker 2: 33:00

Yeah, and just just know that if you are drinking to cope, it's so normal, it's so normal.

Speaker 1: 33:08

Yes, absolutely that do not. You know, we're here to help you take away that shame. You know, to anyone listening that's feeling that now and there is life on the other side. Eliza is an amazing example of that and how you can make such a big change. But it's absolutely doable and we're here to support.

Speaker 2: 33:30

We are.

Speaker 1: 33:31

We're here to support Absolutely so I'll put your details as well in the show notes, but let us know where we can find you. Just what's your website?

Speaker 2: 33:41

It's Elizaparkinsoncom. Easy, very simplecom. Easy, very simple, easy, easy peasy, easy peasy, easy peasy.

Speaker 1: 33:48

Well, it's so good to have you on, Eliza, and thank you for sharing and telling us all the gold nuggets.

Speaker 2: 33:57

You're so welcome Anytime.