Leaders with Leverage: Adopting a Negotiator Mindset

Are Extroverts the Best Negotiators?

• Susie Tomenchok • Episode 98

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Have you ever wondered how your personality type influences your negotiations? Today we'll dive into the world of personality traits to uncover the unique strengths of extroverts, introverts, and ambiverts. Discover how extroverts' love for social interaction and storytelling, introverts' prowess in thoughtful listening, and ambiverts' perfect blend of both create a winning formula in negotiations. With research-backed findings, we'll explore why ambiverts excel in sales roles and how you can emulate their balanced approach to boost your negotiation skills.

Enhance your communication and negotiation strategies by understanding and adapting to different personality traits. I'm sharing practical tips for reflecting on past negotiations, balancing speaking and listening, and preparing effectively for future interactions. By observing yourself and seeking feedback, you'll learn to fine-tune your approach for more successful outcomes.

In this episode, we'll cover:
1. Understanding personality types and their impact on negotiation skills.
2. Which personality type tends to be the most effective in sales and negotiation.
3. Tips for adapting your communication style based on personality traits.

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Speaker 1:

Does your personality type make you a good negotiator or a bad negotiator? I'll tell you more, so stay right here. Welcome to the Leaders with Leverage podcast. I'm your host and negotiation expert, suzy Tomichuk. It's time to be your own advocate and confidently navigate what you want out of your career, not simply the next role or additional compensation. I want to show you that negotiation happens every day in plain sight, so you need to be ready to opt in and say yes with confidence. This happens by adopting a negotiator's mindset, and I'll show you how, together with other business leaders, you'll learn the essential skills and shifts in mindset you need to know. You will be empowered to naturally advocate for yourself and grow your professional skills, and while you're practicing along the way, you'll increase your confidence and gain respect, all while you're growing into that future leader you're poised to be, and when you face a high stakes situation, you're ready, no matter how high those stakes are. So let's do it. Let's lead with leverage. Hey, friend, welcome, I am so glad that you're here.

Speaker 1:

We're going to talk about adopting a negotiator mindset, as we always do, and this one is all around personality types, and when I'm talking about personality types, I'm talking extroverts, introverts and amyverts. Now, if you've probably heard extroverts, extroverts are the people that gain energy from being around people. They tend to talk a lot. If you don't know, I actually have gotten tested and I am extremely on the side of extrovert. I'm like almost one click from the highest number of being an extrovert. The other side of that is introverts, and introverts get their energy from being alone to recharge. They are people that commonly I don't like to use stereotypes they like to think things through and really be thoughtful about their answers. I wish I could do that. I don't think things through, they just kind of come out, they think and then talk, where extroverts often just talk out loud to think and that can get you in trouble. So introverts are the more quiet. Maybe they're the ones that are thoughtful. They want to take a little bit more time. Oh, I just think about that. I think I need to be more like that.

Speaker 1:

I have two kids that are one that's very much an introvert. I have another one that's an extrovert. I have one that's right in the middle, so the middle is amoeburt and that is just in the scale of introvert and extrovert. That's like dead set in the middle. So they do like to socialize, they do think out loud, they get energy from people, but they also need a nice dose of recharging.

Speaker 1:

So understanding where you fall is really key in this whole episode, because I'm going to talk about the research around these personality types. And it's fascinating because I want you to think about before I go into the research which personality type do you think is the best negotiator? And you might picture a sales executive or a salesperson and the real bubbly outgoing, the ones that can just talk to anybody in a crowd that might make your decision for you. You might think about somebody that is very well prepared, that's thoughtful about their response, that builds trust from, maybe over time, but because they're consistent and they do exactly what they say. They will not that extroverts wouldn't but you might start to surmise around which personality would be the best in a sales and I will tell you it is the middle. And what they did, the studies that I've read about. They took 300 sales executives, sales team members, and they looked at their results and then they blocked them by extrovert, introvert and amyvert and what they found was the amyverts were the best in their sales results.

Speaker 1:

Because amyverts when you think about what an extrovert does well. They tell the story, they're forward with the value, they're making their stance, they're not afraid. They're being very verbal and introverts are, so they're telling the story. Extroverts tell the story right. They really think about the needs of the other party and they're really forceful about what they say I can say this because I'm one. And then introverts will listen to. The concerns of the other person will let them take the lead. Very stereotypically I'm saying this, but the amevert will have a nice balance. They'll frame their story, they'll tell the value, they'll talk about it and they'll listen. They'll listen and not just listen. They'll let the other person feel that they're listened to and that they're understood.

Speaker 1:

So I love this research so much because, as an extrovert, it's made me think about, even though I believe that I listen. Well, I need to illustrate that by practicing silence. To illustrate that by practicing silence by repeating what the other person said, because I think so quickly. We all think faster than the other person's talking and so I get energy and I get really excited when they're talking and I know that we can solve their problem or I have some ideas that I'm quick to jump in because I heard them so well. That's how it feels to me, but really they don't feel like I'm listening very well because I jump in so much and where introverts may not gregariously tell the value, they may not feel comfortable, just they might feel pushy if they don't tell the story as well as an amoeburt. So think about where you fall on that and think about how do you, in a cadence of a conversation, how do you illustrate not only the value or your point that you're trying to make, but you're giving space to the other side. So I try to think like an amoeb, especially when I'm building relationships, when I'm negotiating, when I need to be very thoughtful about a high stakes situation and the important outcome for me and the other side. So I'll give you some specific examples when we return. So stay right there but be thinking about where do you fall on that spectrum? We'll be right back. I just want to jump in and let you know I wrote a book.

Speaker 1:

It's the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation. It's really a book about my experiences the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it and how I learned with confidence to advocate for myself and move through negotiation in my everyday life, at home and at work. If you'd like to grab a copy, go to suzytomichukcom. You can get it there and I'd love if you did. All right, so I have so many stories to illustrate when being a certain personality type has been a benefit and a detriment.

Speaker 1:

And I often talk about my peer, dan, and we had a client. It was a sports network and that client was Dan's, client was Dan's and Dan would take her out to lunch and do all these deals with her. And she came to me one time and wanted to know if she could transition to me as her point of contact. And it was really because of the fact that she didn't feel that Dan understood or listened to her. He was such an extrovert and just really valued his opinion and his contribution that she didn't feel heard. And she wanted not only for herself but for her network, wanted not only for herself but for her network, wanted somebody that would really take time to understand and listen. And I think back on that because of her comment, I had to make sure that we showed up in a way that illustrated that we were listening and understanding, and that meant repeating, that meant allowing there to be silence, right, because Dan would just fill the void, and so she didn't feel cared for and she didn't feel like she had a trusted relationship with him. And it was a lot.

Speaker 1:

There were a lot of contributing factors, but one of them was that fact that he just was filling space. And it makes me think of a current client, an executive level person, and we were having a senior leadership meeting a day long and I was facilitating some professional development content and so there was probably 60 people in the room and he was one of the leaders that a group of these people reported up to and I asked the senior leaders in this group to share a little bit of their insight. And his first peer went and his second peer went and then he went and he took up more than double in terms of time when he made his comments and you could tell I was just kind of watching the room. People started to tune out and not listen and you could tell it became a habit because he would feel so much of the space. And so I like to have people understand that in a meeting, in an engagement where it's a collection of people, really be thoughtful of that space that you're carrying, taking the lead, if you will, of the conversation, and don't be like a typical introvert where you only speak up a few times. Think about the space that you fill. If you're not filling enough, fill more. If you're filling too much, lessen it. And there's evidence or there's a research around. We listen the least quality, get used to the way somebody doesn't fill the space and so we don't pay as intention until we need to. So disrupting our patterns on how we show up can help the other person awake, or I shouldn't say awake, like be more aware of. Oh, they stopped talking. What did they say? I need to think about that. Or they asked me a question. I got to think about my answer. It disrupts our awareness in that moment.

Speaker 1:

So I also think about a client of mine who was negotiating a big deal and she was the key negotiator and she was petite and soft-spoken but, man, when she had something to say, people listened. So she commanded this. She had deep respect by the people in her organization. She had deep respect by the people in her organization, by the clients and the vendors that they used, and she had to negotiate this big deal and she intentionally brought somebody on her team with her because it was hard for her to in the moment think on her feet to add additional color. And so she brought somebody else on her team to kind of fill some of those spaces. So that gave her time, when they were talking, to think about what her point was, that she wanted to make next, and that allowed her that space to make space for herself. So she understood that as an introvert, she needed to make sure that she made her points probably bigger, stronger, with more time than she normally did, to make sure that she was articulating the value. And she used that other person to be her conduit to give her brain time to think about what she wanted to say next.

Speaker 1:

She's a very powerful executive who understands how to supplement her approach to be most effective in the moment. And when she has to do it on her own, where she's solo, she does a lot to prepare some of the questions that she needs to ask how she wants to tell the story, so that she's very thoughtful beforehand, that she kind of practices like an extrovert. So she thinks about how can I really communicate the value to the other side? And she does that in negotiations. She does that with her one-on-ones, with her people, especially if it's a difficult conversation which she says is high stakes for her. She doesn't like to go in those conversations, and so it's more important, in those times when they do feel high stakes to her, that she thinks about and plans for the value that she wants to articulate or the impact that this high stakes situation is going to have to tell the story and make time for that. So where do you fall?

Speaker 1:

I want to give you some tips on thinking about your personality trait, how you naturally show up, so that you can make some adjustments where applicable, when it makes sense to make you more impactful in a high stakes situation. We'll be right back with three tips. Hi, susie, here. You know, one of the things that I love is I facilitate team conversations, whether it's talking about high stakes, how to advocate for one another. So if you're a leader and you want to bring your team together, you want to level them up, help them really bond together and increase their confidence as a whole, contact me, go to suzytomachukcom, tell me a little bit about your team and I'll be in touch.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so the first tip is to think about the personality trait of the person in front of you, and that should really color the way you should show up, because if you are sitting in front of an extrovert and you're an extrovert, you might have a different approach than if you're sitting in front of an introvert, because what that research also showed was that the personality trait on the other side appreciates deeply their common personality trait, right? So an introvert understands the language of introvert, an amoebert understands the language of amoebert and, as you get it with an extrovert, same thing. So, understanding how that other person needs you to show up so you can adjust your approach for that you might add more silence if you want to give them time to think it through. If they're an introvert, you might be very conscious about how you make sure that both parties, you included, are sharing time. So thinking about the ways they show up will make you be more intentional about how you'll show up, because it might be that you need to be truly your natural self, but you may need to adapt to their style or be able to say in those moments what is important to you how can I make sure that I show up in a way that will serve you today? So that's tip number one, all right.

Speaker 1:

So the second tip is to identify who you are and start being a great observer of yourself. They say that great leaders should talk 30% of the time and I'll talk to so many leaders who will be like, oh, I listen all the time, but then their team will often say they cannot get a word in edgewise. So to me that means that we don't always. We believe we might be showing up differently than we are. So taking time to even put a metric around watching your regular behaviors. Are you jumping in in a group conversation every time somebody else talks? Is that serving you? How is that making other people adjust to you? So, being aware of how you're showing up and if it's working for you in your situations and thinking about what are those natural tendencies for you, I've had to think and be really thoughtful about me as an extrovert and how that feels to other people. And that's hard for me because I get so excited when other people share that I want to jump right in and share, kind of a, and me too. And to me that's saying, oh, I see you, I understand you, I'm going to add to what you just said, but to them it might be like can I just have my moment, can you just say that's a really interesting story and stop or that's a really interesting fact I hadn't thought about that. So be an observer of yourself and understand how you're showing up and if it is working for you or not. All right, so the last tip.

Speaker 1:

The third tip is a tough one. It's looking back at your conversations. It's being true and honest with yourself and say, okay, was that a win? Did I achieve what I needed to in that conversation and, if so, what really worked? Well, it's looking back, it's reviewing and looking at it from this personality trait perspective. How is my personality that I was born with? That comes naturally to me. How is this applied in any situation to give me the best results that I can Just like?

Speaker 1:

In real estate, it's location, location, location and that drives up the value In a negotiation. It's location, location, location and that drives up the value In a negotiation. It's prepare, prepare, prepare, because that is the best way to be real intentional and get what you need at the end. Looking back is just as important Reviewing what worked for you In this instance. Think about what situation that I just finished. Write down what worked really well. How would I measure the cadence?

Speaker 1:

And if you have somebody that you just met with that is a close friend or somebody you trust.

Speaker 1:

Ask them, ask them how you showed up, or even ask people in general about your personality trait and when they enjoy that aspect of you and when it might be getting in your way, so being an observer of yourself. So the three tips are think about the personality trait of the other person and what they need and how you can show up for them. The second is adapting to that. How can you adapt the way you show up, whether it's showing up less or showing up more meaning like making space in that conversation. Be an observer of this personality trait for you and hone it in a way that, in any situation, you can apply it in the way that will work best for you. Such an important thing to consider. That isn't always top of mind, but let that be for you. This week, when we come back, I'll tie this all together, give you something to think about, and then I want to hear from you about how you applied your personality trait in a different way. We'll be right back.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I got in. Hey everybody, I'm James. I'm Susie's co-host on her other podcast, quick Take, if you're enjoying this podcast's co-host on her other podcast, quick Take. If you're enjoying this podcast, you're going to love our podcast Quick Take even better, mostly because, well, I'm there, which is infinitely more entertaining. But, hey, you'll love it if you join us Please subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts, all right.

Speaker 1:

So this is where the pedal hits the metal or the rubber hits the road. However, whatever you want to use here as a coach, I can give you some great content. It's up to you to really apply it. So I'm going to talk about the stop, start and continue. I want you to think about what you need to do. So what are you going to stop doing in light of this personality trait? Mine is going to be I'm going to stop being the first person to talk. It's very natural for me. I'm going to be the second person to talk. That's going to be. The thing that I'm going to stop doing is being the first person. What am I going to start doing? I'm going to think about before I go into a situation with somebody is think about what their natural tendencies are. I'm going to start doing that because, just like thinking about the interests of the other party increases the results of the interaction, I think considering the natural tendency, the way that person likes to communicate, will also have the same results. So what are you going to start doing? What are you going to do differently? What are you going to stop differently? What are you going to stop doing? What are you going to start doing and what do you can continue to do? I will continue to be very aware of this. I'm really good at, in the moment, being able to self-identify and go okay, you need to slow down or I'm losing them, or let them talk more. So I think I'm going to continue to do that. So what are you going to continue to do?

Speaker 1:

This is an important element of us because it's something that's so natural that we were born with that it's completely invisible to us. We benefit from this personality trait for ways we don't really always appreciate. So be an observer of yourself and the people around you so that you can figure out how to leverage this as you continue to adopt a negotiator mindset and be thoughtful about that middle ground that amiovert, the one that can really articulate the value, frame the ask, frame the conversation, and react and respond to the person in the moment, because that's their natural state. They have a clean balance of talking and listening. They have a clean balance of talking and listening, and so what a nice combination. If you think about yourself as kind of a weight on one side or the other, kind of that lever, you want it to be equal. You're talking to your listening so it doesn't feel overwhelming, but it doesn't feel like not enough. So what are you going to adjust so that you will show up differently in every situation, especially high stakes, when the stakes are high? This is an important thing to consider. And even as a leader, who of your people are on the right side, that extrovert side that take up too much space, and how are you going to draw out other people that might be on that introvert space so that their voice is heard? As leaders, it's important for us to help our people show up in their best way and to challenge them so that, in that uncomfortable way, they gain that muscle memory so that they can show up really well or be developing in a way that brings them to that balance. We could all be better people if we would try to balance what we say and how well we listen. Having more of a balance can help you maneuver, navigate and negotiate in any situation you face.

Speaker 1:

So glad you made the choice to be here today. I'd love to hear your story of how you applied this mindset. I love hearing from you. Head over to negotiationlovecom. You can find me there. I love hearing from you. Head over to negotiationlovecom. You can find me there and remember negotiation is more than a skill. It is truly a mindset. Until next time.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of Leaders With Leverage. I am so honored that you chose to spend your time with me. If you're ready to accelerate your professional growth and invest in defining the career you want, I have more resources for you. You can join my newsletter, where your inbox will love a Monday Minute. It's an easy read, where I share stories of how others are adopting a negotiator's mindset so that you can use these tips so that you can find success every week. And if you want to read my book, the Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation, I have a special offer just for my listeners. These links can be found in the show notes and if you want to work with me, there's more information there as well. I'd love for you to be a part of this movement to adopt a negotiator's mindset, because those who do create opportunities for themselves and they believe the investment is completely worth it. Head to the links in the show notes and just remember that I appreciate you.

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Susie Tomenchok

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