10 SIGNS HE WAS A NARCISSIST | MANY OF WHICH FOOLED ME INTO THINKING HE WAS “THE ONE”

Have you ever been swept off your feet by someone who seemed perfect at first, only to realize later they were a narcissist? In this revealing episode of The Femme Cast, I dive deep into the subtle yet dangerous signs of narcissistic behavior, many of which unfortunately can be mistaken for true love.

Drawing from my own harrowing experience, I’ll walk you through the 10 deceptive traits of a narcissist that initially made him seem like Prince Charming. From the intoxicating charm to the manipulative tactics, I’ll share how these behaviors fooled me into thinking he was the perfect partner.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• The 10 signs of a narcissist and how some of these red flags are often disguised as romantic gestures or charisma.
• How narcissistic behaviors can fool you: Understand the psychological tricks and emotional manipulation that narcissists use to keep you entangled.
• My personal story of realization and escape: Hear about my painful journey from enchantment to disillusionment, and how I found the strength to break free and rebuild my life.

If you’ve ever wondered whether your Prince Charming might actually be a narcissist, or if you’re trying to help a loved one in a similar situation, this episode is a must-listen.

Tune in to uncover the hidden signs, protect yourself from toxic relationships, and take the first steps towards reclaiming your power. Don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and share the podcast to spread awareness and support those who need it.

Let’s do this.

Links to article about narcissists and narcissistic supply:
https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-supply-7852699

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https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge

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https://thefemmecast.substack.com/

Transcript

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 0:33

Hey you guys, what is up and welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you here and welcome if you're new. We are continuing down the rabbit hole today of my experience with narcissistic relationships. I know that's a hot button topic right now. I know there's this like thing going on about is everybody a fucking narcissist all of a sudden? No, they're not, but I mean they are out there and if you've been through it or if you are going through it, you know my heart goes out to you because I know how challenging it can be. So the whole reason why I'm putting these episodes out is to, you know, give you some guidance as to what to do if you find yourself in that situation, hopefully help you avoid it and let you know how I can support you if you are moving through anything like this in your relationships, because I know how challenging it can be.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 1:24

So today we're talking about the 10 signs he was a narcissist in my situation. This is in my relationship, like I'm going to give you specific examples of how I figured out he was a narcissist, but and I say big, but actually not as in big butts, but big but most of these signs were things that I mistook into, believing that he was the one. So the very things that were supposed to be red flags for me and kind of like you know, honey, move along, this is not the one for you Were the very things that were like, oh my God, he's perfect for me and he wasn't Okay, so let's dive right in you guys. So I want to start with a question, which is something I really want to start doing with you guys, and I've been doing it a lot lately on my episodes and it's really been going amazing. So I encourage you guys to reach out to me, whether through email at maria at thefemcoachcom, or actually let me know.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 2:38

Have you ever felt like you were tricked by a narcissist into thinking that they were the one? Because I know I'm not the only one out there who's gone through this. This guy, whoever he is, showed up in your life like fucking Prince Charming, okay, like the fairy tale romance knight in shining armor, that you've been waiting for your entire life, only to find out, maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years down the road, that the guy was like the prince of darkness, the prince of the darkest era of your life. Please let me know if this has ever happened to you, because I can't be the only person who thought this guy was like the be-all end-all. I can't, because they kind of present themselves that way. But we're going to get into that. We are going to get into that, I promise you. I've got lots of goodies in here for you. So this is for you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 3:39

If you've ever dated or think you might be dating a narcissist right now, if someone you know might be involved with a narcissist and you don't quite know how to tell them, in which case, feel free to forward them this episode. Let them listen to it. Hopefully they can come to their own conclusions. I pray they don't get angry with you for insinuating anything, but please honestly send to somebody who needs to hear it. Help me to get these episodes out there so more and more people become aware of these things. And this episode is also for you.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 4:12

If you have been involved with a narcissist in the past. You're trying to like wrap your head around it, because I know it took me a fucking minute, you guys, to wrap my head around what had happened to me. So if you suspect that you've been in a narcissistic relationship, but you're not really sure, maybe this will give you some guidance and it'll certainly give you some ideas of what to avoid or see as a red flag really the next time around, so it doesn't happen to you again. Or C is a red flag really the next time around, so it doesn't happen to you again. Right, like I got you. So again, go ahead, answer the question, send me a DM at TheFemCast on my Instagram account and let's have a conversation right and see that I'm not the only one that has thought he was literally Prince Charming. No melodrama here whatsoever, nope, none. Okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 5:02

So let me just start by saying that not every toxic relationship means that you're in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissist has a very unique way of showing up in your world. Very unique way of showing up in your world. Did my tox pattern of toxic relationships pave the way for me to meet this guy, this narcissist? Abso-fucking-lutely Absolutely. They were the yellow brick road that brought me right into the situation, like it was literally the perfect storm to bring me into this, into this dynamic that was going to shape the way or reshape or restructure the way that I view relationships, and it was a necessary restructuring. You guys, like this guy, did me a huge, huge, huge favor. Okay. But not every relationship that you're in that's toxic means that you're in a relationship with a narcissist, okay. Some relationships are just toxic. Some people are just bad people that just behave badly and they're just not emotionally aware. That doesn't mean that they're narcissists.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 6:07

Narcissist has a very unique way of being in relationship and they have a very unique what's it called like a purpose for being the way that they're being. It's very subconsciously intentional, if that makes sense. And again, I'm not a doctor, right, like I'm not a psychiatrist. You guys, this is all based on my own personal experience. So take what you resonates, leave the rest. Again, I've got motorcycles. I swear, it's like every time I go to podcast, motorcycles drive by every time.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 6:45

So let me start by saying, because I wanted to get like a very, you know, scientific, but a very practical definition of what a narcissist is. To you guys, narcissism is a shame disorder and their goal in life is to hide their shame and feed the grandiose persona that they've created in order to mask it. I'm going to leave the link where I got this definition down below, so you'll see it in the show notes. So this is where the narcissistic supply comes in right Narcissistic supply is what they get from you or from people in order to validate that mask and avoid their deep-rooted shame from being seen. Okay, and when I say avoid seeing, like they don't want anyone else seeing their shame, they also don't want to see their own shame. They want to pretend that it's not there. They're almost living in a state of altered denial. I don't know, it's, it's it's. It's interesting.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 7:45

I'd love to get actually a therapist on the show to actually talk to us about what's going on, because many times I thought, are they doing this on purpose? Like, do they know what they're doing? And I don't think that they do. I don't think that a narcissist intentionally seeks out to belittle and damage other people. At least that's not their goal. Their goal was actually, maybe on a superficial level, but on a subconscious level it's really more about their own survival and masking their own shame. That's really what's at the core of it. It presents itself as wanting to do damage to other people, but at the base of it, they're really just trying to avoid looking at their own shame and avoid other people seeing their shame, because then they're at risk of being abandoned and rejected.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 8:42

They're just another version of. They're just another version of a codependent, to be quite honest. Um, I mean, if you put it in those that definition, right? Um, so they will do anything to manipulate, manipulate. They will do anything in their power to manipulate the situation or the relationship so that they can feel better about themselves until they really have no use for the person anymore. Or the person doesn't feed the person, doesn't feed that narcissistic supply anymore, or they found a better source of narcissistic supply somewhere you know what I mean. Or that person suddenly, you know, became a projection of their own shame, like they basically mirrored their shame back to them. Then they're going to go find their supply somewhere else, which is exactly what happens to me, okay, so at which point they cut you off completely, they discredit you like, and we'll go into the stages of what a narcissistic relationship looks like in a later episode We'll get into that, but that's just kind of a quick little narcissist bio, a CV, if you will, of what a narcissist shows up like in your world. So here they are. I talked about my relationship last time, so if you didn't catch the last episode where I kind of set the scene for all of this, go ahead and check that out now or when we're done, you can get kind of the background story. We're going to jump right into the science today, okay, jump right into the science today, okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 10:22

First and foremost, they have a very grandiose and exaggerated sense of self. I mean, these people take entitlement to the next level. All they do is hype themselves up, have conversations about themselves, conversations that you know are either about themselves or, in some way, shape or form, always revolve around them, or what they're doing or what their interests are, that kind of thing. They have a way of acting very superior to others and they come off. They can come off very arrogant if they're not careful, you know. But in its subtlety, right, and I just want to, I just want to again, I just want to put you in the mindset that I was in right.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 11:02

This guy would boast about himself like to no end, like this guy had me believing that he was the best thing since fucking sliced bread. No, no word of a lie. And you know it was funny because I didn't even clue into the fact that. Well, you know he's saying all these things, but what I'm seeing doesn't really match. The curtains, don't really. What's that? The carpets don't match the drapes. I know it's bad, but it's like the person that you're presenting to me doesn't really match what I'm seeing in reality. Like you have this big, grandiose sort of persona of who you want me to think that you are, who you're telling me that you are, but it doesn't really match what I'm seeing. That should have been my first red flag, but I was so caught up in the story that he was selling to me of who he was and what he did and how caring and nurturing and loving he was.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 12:09

And he was like strong, but also a healer and like all these things that would like like women, would just like an empath, would just eat it up. You know what I mean, and so that should be my first clue, though the fact that you say these things but I'm not really seeing them. Like there's no evidence of it anywhere, y'all. Like there was nothing. And he was very competitive, like if, if he thought somebody else was getting my attention, it wouldn't, it would not go well. If there was somebody in the room that he felt threatened by, he would quickly like he would so quickly shut that down.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 12:54

Um, he had to be the center of attention at all times. He, he was a megalomaniac you guys like, and I didn't even see this until like way into it. But you know, this need to be, this exaggerated sense of self and this need to be the center of attention at all times was so intense that what I didn't realize was that he would go anywhere. He was getting the attention. So if I wasn't giving him the attention, he would then later on go get the attention from somewhere else. You know what I mean. Like it was like whoever was there to stroke his ego, that was his supply and that's who he was going to devote his time to. And oftentimes it would make me feel like I needed to continue to boast and feed this grandiose persona that he had created. Otherwise I would be cut off, I would be replaced. So now I'm like feeding into this right, I'm feeding into this need that he has to be the center of attention and the center of the fucking universe at all times.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 14:00

To the point where he was like literally pitting me up with other women on social media. Like it was almost like we were all like competing for his like we're all commenting on his posts to see you know which one of us would, you know, win his affection. It was like a really bad episode of the Bachelor, you guys, oh my God, anyway, okay, that's my shame that I'm, that's my shame story. There you go, I'm, I am. There is so much shame around, how much settled, how much I settled in this relationship. It's crazy. But hey, here we we're talking about it. So they pick on and they devalue you constantly.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 14:42

Now, at first this was not the case. Okay, at first he would flatter me to no end. He would make me feel like I was the only woman in the room. You guys, he would give me all the attention, the smiles, the wide-eyed glances, like I just felt, like I was the hottest shit in the room until I wasn't. Because you know, and you know, a lot of people call this like the love bombing stage. Right, but it's not just. You know, and people misinterpret it. They think that it means that he's constantly going to tell you that he loves you. He never told me that he loved me, but he gave me a lot of attention, affection, all kinds of text messages and flirty little emojis and phone calls and late night conversations that went on for hours. So there was maybe not a lot of love bombing going on, but there was a lot of other bombing going on. There was attention bombing, there was affection bombing, there was text message bombing, there was emoji bombing, I mean, and all of this lasted until I got addicted to it.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 18:20

And as soon as I got addicted to it, and as soon as I needed it, it's like something in him knew it and the switch went off and we went from the love bombing era to just the making, like just the complete picking on and devaluing me era, putting me down, ignoring my text, ignoring my calls. You know blatantly. You know shutting me down and giving, you know inviting me places, but then shutting me down and spending time with other women and then acting annoyed that I'm even. I've shown up when it was his invitation that got me there in the first place. It was such a mind fuck.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 19:05

And instead of you know calling it a day and you know tossing it in with this relationship and saying fuck it, I'm done, what do I do? I keep trying to figure out. What did I do wrong? Why is he acting this way? I must have done something for him to not want to be with me because he wanted me to be here. He invited me to be here and now he's totally ignoring me and hanging out with this other chick right in front of me and making me feel like I don't even belong here, and I felt awful, like it was the most. I think it's, I think it was probably the lowest I ever felt like being treated by a man, and it was instead of again.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 19:50

I can't stress this enough, you guys, like, instead of just taking that as face value and walking away and saying, fuck this, I deserve better than this, there was this deep. What have I done wrong? Why is he acting like this towards me? What can I do to fix it? I was taking responsibility for his bad behavior and they need us to do this, you guys. They need us to do this because this is how they keep us coming back. Okay, and this is, this is part of the narcissistic supply, because as long as we're working to keep them happy, then no one's paying attention to their shame. I'm not seeing his shame, I'm just seeing mine, right? I don't even notice his. His isn't even like. I don't even think it exists, I don't even know about it, it's not even an elephant in the room. At this point, right, they manipulate and gaslight you and distort your perception of reality.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 20:49

He learned very quickly exactly what I was looking for in a partner. This, I mean, this guy listened really, really, really well. He listened to the things I said. He listened to the lyrics of the songs that I loved. He listened to the movies that I and this listen. Hey, I'm making assumptions right now because he was able to paint a picture, because these are the things I shared with him. I shared with him what I liked, what I didn't like, the songs that I loved, the movies that I love to watch, why I love them, the characters that I fell in love with, like these are all the things that I shared to him and these are all kind of glimpses into what we're looking for, I think, in a partner a lot of the times, right.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 21:28

So I shared all this with him and, sure enough, within a matter of weeks, he had checked all the boxes of what I was looking for in a partner, and so I believed. I mean, this wasn't gaslighting, but it was definitely manipulation. Gaslighting is a little bit different, but um and I I have been in a situation where there was a lot of gaslighting before, but this was not it, um, but regardless, he had manipulated me into believing that he was everything that I was looking for in a partner, that he checked all the boxes and this only took like a matter of a couple of weeks. It's like it was as though and again I'm drawing assumptions it was as though he was taking notes the entire fucking time and then suddenly, voila, here he is, you know. And so for me, like I fell head over heels for this guy so fast, so fast. And that's really the one of the things, one of my big takeaways from this. You know, don't let it happen too quickly. Even if he's not a narcissist, it's never a good idea to fall quickly, because everybody's showing you their best self in the first three to four months of a relationship. Wait at least until you're in your sixth month before you decide if this is the person for you, you know, or at least a viable candidate anyway.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 22:52

And he was also the master of turning the tables whenever there was an argument, and this is where really the gaslighting came in right. So whenever there was an argument, whenever I was upset with him for something that I would do, he would immediately turn the tables onto me what I did to make him behave that way or how. It was my problem, that I was perceiving it that, obviously, that that meant, if I was perceiving it that way, that obviously something was wrong with me. And so, again, I'm responsible for what they're doing wrong or what he was doing wrong. And so and that was just a mirroring back of what I was already believing for myself I was taking responsibility for his bad behavior into thinking that I was doing something wrong. I must have shown up in a way to make him act this way, because this is not the person who he told me he was. He told me exactly who he was in the beginning. He was my Prince Charming. So why is he acting like this? Obviously, I must have fucked up right, but yeah, he was a master at turning the tables.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 24:04

It got to the point where I was afraid to get into an argument with him, because getting into an argument with him was such a mindfuck that I would leave the argument going like that. I would leave the argument going like what the fuck just happened? Like how? What was that my fault? Was that his fault? What started it? Who said what? Why are we fighting? Oh my God, like it made no sense.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 24:29

I remember one time, clearly, we were on the phone, we had this way of or sorry, text message, we were text messaging back and forth and we had this way of bantering with one another. That was actually, quite honestly, a lot of fun, but it got us into a lot of trouble sometimes. So one night we're back and forth, we're bantering. All of a sudden he starts getting very aggressive and volatile in his messages and I'm like dude, are we still? And I thought at first I thought he was joking and I was kind of going along with it. I'm like wait a minute, are we still joking or are we serious? He was so mad at me for which, to this day, I don't even know what I said wrong. Like I have no fucking clue what I said wrong. All I know is this guy is flying off the handle while I'm driving. Okay, I shouldn't have been texting while I'm driving, but I was at stoplights.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 27:57

This guy was like furious with me and hating on me and basically threatening, like basically cutting me off. And I have no clue what I did wrong and I was just but tell me. Like, what did I say? What did I do? How did I upset you? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, like please tell me. And he was just punishing and punishing, and punishing again and again and then cut me off and then didn't speak to me for like three or four days and then finally, you know, I reached out to him and he still was punishing me and I was like dude, like I never meant to like say anything to upset you, I never meant that in like a mean way, like I you know whatever, but again me taking accountability for his bad behavior, right, and that's that's when you know you're being manipulated, because now it's not about what they're doing wrong, it's about what you did to make them act that way, right, and again doing anything and everything. It was like a circus act for me for to keep me from seeing his shame and where he had went wrong and turning everything around to make it all about what I had done wrong because he was perfect, right, so, um, which basically leads to the next thing, which is they're right about everything and they will never apologize.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 29:21

You will never get an apology from a narcissist, ever, I know, and I'm I'm not even talking about myself right now. I this is just in general. I'm putting this out there as a blanket statement. Okay, I know so many people who have been involved with narcissistic relationships and who you know on the outside of it. We're like I, I just, I just want them to own what they did. I just want them to take accountability. Dude, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry this is going to get loud, but never going to happen. Okay, I'm clapping my hands. Never going to happen. They will never take accountability. They will never apologize. They will take that shit to the grave, because if they ever admit that they did something wrong, that is lifting the veil on their shame. And they won't do it Because their survival depends on the veil on their shame. And they won't do it because their survival depends on you not seeing their shame and them even not acknowledging their own shame. Their own shit. Okay, they will never take accountability. You waiting for them to apologize and take accountability is wasting your precious time and energy. Sis, move the fuck on, because it's not going to happen.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 30:39

He would never, ever apologize. Every time we got into a fight, he would do the same thing. He would get completely irate, he would have a fit, he would bash me for what felt like a lifetime and then he would cut me off and then two or three days later, there I was, dming him, messaging him, calling him, trying to make things right and smooth things over, and usually being met with more punishment before he would okay, okay, we're good. Like it would probably take about two to three days for our conversations to actually be normal again, because he would still be holding the fucking grudge over the shit that I did, that I didn't even know what it was Okay and it was so stupid Like I like to not even know what the hell I did wrong and to have you so angry with me that you're yelling at me, belittling me, shaming me and then cutting me out of your life. And I'm still coming back. Wow, I tell you I, my biggest shame was how far I let this go. That's the biggest shame story of my life. But here we are and now I'm able to have this conversation with you guys. If I hadn't gone through this experience, what would I be doing? I don't know.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 32:10

Okay, so they are very envious of others, but at the same time, they also have this weird way of thinking that everyone is envious of them. It's the most like bizarre dichotomy. Or is it dichotomy? Or is it false dichotomy? I don't know. Anyway, he would constantly compare himself to other people, like so again going back to the example of you know, having like the other guy in the room who maybe had was better looking, or maybe had more money or maybe had a better job or a nicer home or a better body, like he would obsess over that, like, do you think, do you think he had this? Do you think what do you think? Like it would get so in his head, so in his head, and then the minute he did something well for himself, like he got a promotion at work, or he got more money, or, you know, he got a new car, he started working out or whatever you know, suddenly every man in the world was envious of him. Suddenly he was like the grand poobah of all the guys and it's like it was always about him. So it was.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 33:25

Either it was either like either every he thought everyone was jealous of him and envious of him, or he was just so like obsessive and envious of everyone else. He was even obsessive and jealous over his exes, like not like who they were with, like he could care less who they were with. Well, actually that's not true. He would put down who they were with. He would cut up all the guys that they were dating, how they didn't compare to him, how they clearly like traded down after, like, leaving him. He would obsess and stalk their social media accounts to see what they were up to. They would be doing these amazing things, like okay. So let me paint a clear picture. I'll pick one.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 34:07

For example, this one chick. She was doing so well for herself. She had started her own business. Her Instagram account was blowing up. She was doing so well for herself. She had started her own business. Her Instagram account was blowing up. She was traveling. She looked amazing. Her body was smoking hot. She was with this great guy.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 34:21

He would scroll her social media constantly, put her down, put down her body, put down her boyfriend, say all the nasty shit that she used to do in the relationship that you know made, basically calling her out to be a narcissist and how horrible she was and how toxic she was and how none of this fame is deserved and how she's a fraud and how blah, blah, blah and so like. And this is not just the only chick that he did this. He did this with all his exes. He would spend his time on his social media tearing them down, tearing what they do down, tearing their pictures down, tearing their boyfriends down, and making himself out to be this like so much, so much better, so much more evolved, so much more of like such, so much more of a prize compared to these other guys, and clearly the one who traded up or whatever, but clearly they had all traded down after having been with him. So it was almost like a campaign of look at my amazingness. Even though I'm looking at this chick's profile, I'm like I don't know, actually she's doing pretty good from where I'm sitting, like she looks fucking hot. She looks like she's in an island somewhere. This guy looks hot, like I don't know, I think she's doing pretty good, like I think she's okay, but he just could. It was like he could not sleep at night knowing that she was actually doing better after she left him than when she was with him. So he did everything in his power to convince me and everyone else that she had clearly, you know, taken a step down after losing this prize that she had her hands on for.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 36:16

I don't know how long they were together, but anyway. But that is just one example. He did that with all of them, right? Different situations different. You know things that he picked at, but you know, nonetheless, there was the tearing down of the exes and the exes partners. They are completely unempathetic to your needs. Their needs will always come first.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 36:41

Now, this is not at the beginning. In the beginning, your needs are their priority because they know that you want somebody who cares about your needs. So they're going to present themselves that way. But then they're going to flip the tables on you and very quickly you're going to notice that their needs are always a priority. His needs were always a front and center. He decided when we saw each other how often what we did, when we saw each other, how often we talked. If he didn't want to see me for two weeks or three weeks or four, then he wouldn't. If he didn't want to talk to me for days on end or return any of my calls, he didn't. And that was all okay Because that was his needs and that was his boundaries. Okay.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 37:29

And anytime I had a need, that need was a my issue. Convert, that's a your issue. Conversation right. If you have a need, if I had a need, that's your issue. You need to deal with that. So there was no two, there was no two way conversation about I need this, you need that. That didn't exist. There was his needs and they were my needs, and his needs were always going to be the priority over mine. If he had a need, I had to meet those needs. If I had a need, that was my problem.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 38:00

And again, it was distorted so that every time I did come to him with a need or a concern or something that I was feeling or wrestling with, it was evidence, okay, that there was something wrong with me. Oh, really, is that how you feel? Well, that's really your problem. You need to really look at that. You know you should probably go and do some work on yourself. It's like but I'm just being honest, like this is how I'm feeling. So, yeah, so and then.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 38:33

So guess what happens? Right, when somebody does that often enough, what do we do? We stop sharing our needs, because sharing our needs is bad and we don't want to do bad things, because then, you know, people leave us and abandon us. So we say, oh, that's okay, I don't have any needs, I'm perfectly fine without any needs being met whatsoever. We will make this entire relationship about you and the sun will rise and set with you. And so it did and my needs became non-existent until well, until, basically, I blew up and let my needs be known. But that was after all the mind, like months, years of mind, fuckery.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 39:20

This one we kind of touched on, but we're going to go into it a little bit deeper. So they have this excessive need for admiration and they feed off compliments and attention. So again, you know, there was that whole thing about, you know, pitting me up against other women and needing the constant, like constant attention and validation. And the minute it wasn't available, or that you didn't give the him that, the minute that I didn't give him that excessive admiration and validation, I was out. I was out, you guys, or? It was funny that actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it worked two ways. Hold on a second, let me think back. It worked two ways.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 39:59

When I gave him the excessive admiration and validation in the beginning, he kept coming back for more. It's like, oh, this is good. Yeah, bring it, bring it, bring it, bring it, bring it. Until I brought him to a point where he was so confident he's like meh, I don't need your supply anymore, I feel good, I'm going to go over here. That's when they ghost, that's when you don't hear from them for long periods of time. Then something happens and they get, oh, crushed, oh, my ego, oh, I'm so lost without my validation and my attention. And so what do they do? They come back. They come back for more. Remember that admiration and attention you used to give me. I'm going to need a little more of that. Can you give me a little? Make me feel better, please. My shame, it's coming up, I can feel it. So you start with the admiration, you start with the validation, you start doing all those things. You feed them, you feed them, you feed them, and then they're gone, then they're like spending their time with somebody else. This was a cycle that was very hard to break, because my biggest fear was the abandonment. So I wanted to give him the attention and the validation that he needed, but then I knew that after a while anyway, not right away, but after a while I realized that if I gave him enough, then he was going to ghost, but if I didn't give it to him, then he would go find somewhere else to get it. It was the most fucked up dynamic I'd ever experienced. It was crazy.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 41:29

Um, they can be very aggressive and prone to what's like a rage fit, like what's known as a narcissistic rage. Right, the first time I saw this was the last time we were together and when I saw this I was like fuck no, fuck, no, we ain't going down this road, hell. No, at first the aggressiveness was kind of cute, I'm not going to lie. At first it was kind of cute. Oh look, he gets jealous when other guys are around me. Oh look, he gets aggravated when he gets angry when I talk about other guys. Oh, toxic as fuck. I know, I get it, guys, I get it now. Okay, please, this was my, this was my, my, my, my lesser developed state, okay, um. Then it got more aggressive. Um, it was, it's almost. I guess the best way to describe it is that it was cute. And, um, you know, it was cute to have somebody out there pursuing you, aggressively, protecting you, walking around like you're spoken for kind of attitude, like it was cute at first, right, but that's when it was projected towards other people. It's not cute when it's projected towards you, and when it was projected towards me it got ugly.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 42:49

So the narcissistic rage at least from my experience, happens when you cut off the narcissistic supply and you hold the mirror up for them to see their own shame. You either point out a, you either set a boundary or you call them out on their bad behavior or something to to really say hey, I see you, I see you now and I see what you're doing. I'm not going to stand for it. Oh my God, motherfucker, run. Because the rage that comes out of those moments will shock you. That's when you really see who they are. That's when they show you who they are and what they're all about, and the filth that can come out of their mouth and the horrible things that they will say the yelling, the, the, it's just, it's, it's.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 43:44

I never wish this on my worst enemy, like this kind of anger, to be projected onto another woman who, by the way? Anger to be projected onto another woman who, by the way, was speaking to him very respectfully. When I set that boundary, I was very calm, I was very quiet and I said, listen, like I meant what I said the other day, like I can't. I can't tolerate this kind of behavior from you anymore. I can't be in the situation anymore. It's not healthy for me and I got my ass handed to me for that. So and I apologize. There's cars I've been trying to edit out the cars roaring past me. You guys, I'm done, you're just going to have to like listen to it.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 44:29

It was awful. It was an awful experience and that was, I think, my breaking point in this experience. That was the moment where I said fuck this, no more, I ain't doing this shit, I am done. And I walked away and I let it be. And that leads me to my next point.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 44:46

They can't handle boundaries and being called out. They can't. It's the worst thing you can do to a narcissist. It's actually the most triggering thing you can do, because now you're forcing them to see their. Not only are you forcing them to see their shame, but you're also letting them know that, hey, I see you. I see the real you. Not the grandiose version of you that you've been like trying to get me to believe is there. I see the real you underneath all that and I don't like what I'm seeing. And now that shame isn't is being brought to light and they do not like that, and they will come out kicking and screaming every fucking time. Okay, so be careful because, listen, I was lucky.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 45:27

There was no physical abuse happening in this relationship, but there can be. There can be physical abuse with a narcissist and that's why I always preface this by saying, listen, I'm not a therapist, this is just my experience and this is how I dealt with it and this is what I saw. But you know, dealing with narcissistic abuse, yes, we can totally work together and I always work with my clients on things like you know trauma patterns and what sort of behaviors kind of drew in this narcissistic type, what's drawing, what's attracting these kinds of partners into your life and how we can kind of energetically re-engineer all that so that you're no longer a magnet to these types of relationships and finally start attracting healthy, loving relationships into your space. But you also need to think about other things. Like you know, there is oftentimes psychological impacts with being in narcissistic relationships, as I shared in previous episode and I'll probably share more about in the episodes to come. There's also, in many cases, if there's physical abuse, there's safety issues to think about. Like you have to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and taking all of the necessary precautions. If there's been psychological abuse, then please reach out to a medical professional. If you think that you are in danger, then please reach out to a local network or community where you can find some support and safety and resources to help you in these types of relationships. They are very entangling, they are very. They can really distort your perception of yourself and of reality.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 47:08

And you know, like I said in the last episode, it took me a long time to put myself back together after this experience. So it takes, and it took a lot of work like it took, like took therapy, it took energy work, it took coaching, it took my, my own, my own up level and flow method for, you know, working through some of these issues and some of these traumas that I had experienced in order to really transmute them and really be able to change my energetic signature along the way. So you know, you know your situation best and I will always. You know, in these episodes we'll give you like my takeaways or the mindset shifts that I had to make or the action steps that I took. But you know, ultimately no one knows your sister or each and better than you do. So you know you gotta be able to look at what it is that you need and how you're going to, how you're going to get where you're going to find where you're going to get what you need in order to make sure that you move through these, especially these situations with narcissistic partners. There's just so much to think about. Okay, let's get back. We'll talk about the last one now.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 48:15

The last sign that he was a narcissist was they are obsessed with success and having the perfect mate. These guys want the picture perfect life. That's why they kind of hype you up in the beginning, because they see you as like oh, she's the perfect partner to like, fill this picture. She has the right look, she has the right job, she carries herself in the right way. Having her on my arm would literally paint the picture of being the perfect, like alpha male, until they kind of start to see your flaws and then they're like yeah, you don't really fit into my picture anymore. They're also obsessed with their own success. What it's going to take for them to look perfect, to be the ideal alpha male, you know, and they need that. They need that because that's part of their persona. They need that because that's part of their persona, that's part of this false illusion that they've created to hide their shame. So they need to create this picture-perfect life and this picture-perfect portrait in order to feed that narcissistic supply and mask the shame that's going on in the background, right? So they're going to be obsessed with having the right job.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 49:33

He was obsessed with the right job, the right amount of money, the nice home, the nice car, the nice partner, like. I remember him being particular about the clothes that I would wear or how I would wear my hair, right, everything was image related, you know, and I didn't even see it until after, because at first it came off as compliments, until I was doing something that he didn't like, like maybe I was wearing my hair a new way that he didn't really like and it was like oh, but you know, I really love the way you used to wear your hair, or I love it when you wear these kinds of clothes, or. You know, it's always about creating and listen. Normal guys will do a lot of these things, but not to this degree, like a lot of guys will say, oh, my God, I really love that red dress you wore to so-and-so's wedding. Right, wear that again. That's different, that's not. You know, they'll still love you if you're in track pants and a baseball cap. You know what I mean.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 50:31

These guys won't, they won't, they're not going to stand for it, like you constantly need to be fitting the image that they need in order to feel good about themselves, and if you don't, they will cut you off. That's where, again, you start asking yourself oh, I must have done something wrong, because they used to love the way that I look. Now they're not. Now they don't, and now they're not here. So obviously you know I need to step up my game a notch, otherwise I'm going to lose this guy. Right? So this is the?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 51:04

And in the beginning, again, like they, he loved it. And that's how they kind of hook you right, they, they, they, they love on you. They tell you how beautiful and how attractive you are and how good you look and how they love the shoes that you're wearing and the dress and the skirt, and this and that, and they're all over it. And then it's like but you have to look at that all the time. So, and that's another indication, because as soon as you put on the sweatpants and the baseball cap, they ain't so into it. So, and you want the guy who's going to love you in sweats and a baseball cap. Like, trust me, you want that guy. Okay, so, honestly, if I'd known then what I know now all of these things were red flags that he was a narcissist. Know now, all of these things were red flags that he was a narcissist. And even in the beginning, when we were at our honeymoon stage and everything was like all rainbows and roses and I thought he was my Prince Charming and like literally falling head over heels overnight.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 52:04

Ladies, please take time, do not listen. I'm not telling you to go out there and be guarded and not let your you know, not let your walls down and not allow yourself to fall in love. We all want to fall in love. Falling in love is beautiful. Falling in love is great when it's with the right partner. You will not know if he's the right partner at least until after the first four months, when people start to really show you who they are right and they really start to let their guard down. And you know, we're always our best self at the beginning. Right, all of us. We're always our best self.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 52:40

And you may argue, and I know I've said this, but I always, like you know, I always let them know who I am right from the get go. I'm just as affectionate in the beginning as I am like a year later and I'm just as whatever as I am a year later. Okay, maybe you're just as affectionate, maybe you're just, as you know, interested in their wellbeing. Maybe you do all these things just as much as in, you know, a year later as you did in the beginning. Is there anything that you change? Do you? Do you go to the bathroom in his apartment? Do you do number two in his apartment, like in the first six months of dating? Probably not. Um, what else? Oh, there's so many things, stupid things, that we do.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 53:23

I remember, um, I mean, I don't do this much anymore, but I remember, like, um, you know, whenever I would spend the night with a guy, I would always like, kind of like, not put on, like, get up and put on makeup. It wasn't like the bride like that first scene in bridesmaids where she gets up and she puts on like a full face of makeup and then lies in bed and pretends she wake up looking that way. That's an exaggeration, but you know that's to say that's not to say that I didn't go into the bathroom to make sure I didn't have mascara running down under my eyes the night before and like combing my hair a little, so it wasn't a disheveled mess right Before we woke up or you know stupid shit like that Stupid shit. The point is you want to be able to know, you want to be able to decide whether or not the person is for you after you've been together, when you're both presenting your real selves to each other, knowing who they are at the core, knowing that they love and accept you for who you are at the core you know, knowing that you're both coming to this place where you can look at each other and see each other fully and completely and say, yeah, I dig it, you know I could, I could do this long-term, then decide to commit long-term. I'm not saying marriage, I'm not saying marriage proposal. I'm just saying commit to a longer term relationship and then see where that goes and who knows.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 54:43

But the point is don't fall head over heels in the first week because everybody looks like Prince Charming in week one. Everybody over heels in the first week because everybody looks like Prince Charming in week one. Everybody right, especially a narcissist right. And if you start feeling like how would I describe it? If you start feeling like you're suddenly being showered with all this attention and affection and you're starting like it's like a too good to be true moment. I'm not saying that it is, but I am saying make sure you're seeing everything, not just the shit that you want to see, right? Because if he's putting down other people, if he's competing with other people, that signs that there is toxicity there. You know whether he's a narcissist or not, who's to say? But there is signs that there is toxicity there. Who's to say? But there is signs that there is toxicity there.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 55:32

And when you start to feel like you're being manipulated or like you're afraid that this person is manipulating you and using tactics, that is tapping into your fear of abandonment and rejection and using it against you. And now you're constantly trying to fix and mold and adhere yourself to what it is that you think they need in order to stay in this entanglement with you. Pay attention, that is a huge red flag. So, and then you can kind of go back and check the boxes on some of these things and see where you stand, because not everyone is a narcissist, you guys, narcissism is, you know, there's narcissists. There's things called narcissistic tendencies, where people can have the tendency to be kind of narcissistic, and then there's actual narcissistic personality disorder. Right, not everyone is a narcissist. Some people are just out there behaving really badly. But you know, when you're in a relationship with a narcissist, because you're constantly being manipulated, you're constantly being manipulated to continue with a narcissistic supply until you're no longer needed.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 56:44

We're going to go through the stages in the next episode. So if this is something that you're going through or you think you might be going through, or someone that you know is going through, please share this episode. Okay, pay attention to the red flags. Really be clear about where you what you're seeing in the relationship. Don't just look at the rainbows and roses. Look at all of it and ask yourself is this healthy?

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 57:08

Because deep down, I knew it wasn't. I knew it wasn't healthy. I just needed to believe that I deserved better and I would spend the next seven years or whatever, doing the work to get myself to believe that I deserved better. And I did. I did that and I did, I did that and you know, like this was literally the first step was being a little bit more discerning about who I let into my space, being a little bit more discerning about who I gave my love and affection to, taking my time getting to know people, getting to know who they really are and if listen, guys, I know we're always afraid that if we take too long, that we're going to lose them, but that's a sign of a toxic imbalance Okay, if this guy's for you, you ain't going to lose them.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 58:02

You show up as your, as you know. You show up, he shows up, you mix, you mingle, you get to know each other. If this guy is worth your time, he'll give you the time. If he's not, if he's going to, if he's going to run because you're taking your time trying to decide if he's if this is the right relationship for the two of you. He's not the one. He's toxic. Run, run the other way.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 58:24

Go find the one who's for you, because the one who's for you is going to take the time to get to know you, to show you who they are, to see who you are, and want to start a healthy relationship with you as well, right? So always remember that they're going to want, if they're healthy, they're going to want a healthy relationship, and that means getting to know you first and showing you who they really are first and expecting the same from you. So that is my first step to you Don't give your heart away to anybody until you see that kind of behavior and only then would I say it's time to think about taking this relationship to the next level and maybe getting into a more committed relationship container. And until you see that, no, you got you boo, do your thing. Live your best life.

MARIA @THEFEMMECAST: 59:23

Love on yourself, because I will tell you, narcissists hate when you love yourself. That is the biggest narcissist deterists. Hate when you love yourself. That is the biggest narcissist deterrent is when you love yourself. So, work on yourself, work on loving yourself and living your best life and I promise you they will show the right one, the healthy one will show up. And if this is something that you're struggling with, book an up level and flow session with me and let's see what you got. Let's see what's going on in the energy field and see if we can rewire that to get you to be a magnet for more healthy love and break the cycle of attracting narcissistic and toxic partners into your space. Okay, that is all for now. You guys, if you love this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a positive rating and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're seeing this. Until next time, you guys, massive love.