BREAKING FREE | WHY LETTING GO OF A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP IS SO HARD (AND WHY YOU DON'T NEED TO FORGIVE YOUR ABUSER)

Are you struggling to move on from a narcissistic relationship, even though you know deep down that you don't want them back? Do they still occupy your thoughts, influencing your decisions long after they're gone?

In this episode of The Femme Cast, I dive deep into why breaking free from a narcissist isn't as simple as just "getting over it." I'll share my own experience of how, even after ending a toxic relationship, I continued to let its influence control my life. 

This episode is for you if:

• You've have recently got out of narcissistic relationship and you're struggling in the aftermath
• You feel as though you’re attached to your narcissistic ex, even though you know you don’t want them back 
• Everyone in your life is telling you you should just get over it or you need to start dating other people, but you just don’t feel like you’re ready 

I'll take you through the critical steps I took to reclaim my life, including the moment I decided to stop hiding and start living unapologetically. Discover how giving myself the love and acceptance I once craved from others became the key to breaking free from the emotional chains of my past.

Let’s do this. 

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Are you ready to rewrite your love story + glow from the inside out? If so, use the link below to register for my 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge

Want to get to know the more intimate details of my story? If so, click the link below to access The Femme Cast Diaries.
https://thefemmecast.substack.com/

Transcript

@THEFEMMECAST: 0:32

Hey you guys, what is up? Welcome back to the show. I'm so excited and grateful to have you here. So I had a plan today and then the plan was revised and then I had a conversation and then I revised the plan again, so I actually don't know where we're going to end up today, but it is a very important conversation and, pardon me, while you hear my chair squeaking in the background, you might hear that, but I'm just adjusting. So welcome back, you guys.

@THEFEMMECAST: 0:58

I really wanted to talk about why I struggled to get over my narcissistic relationships so terribly and for so long and why you don't need to focus on forgiving your abusers, and this is something that I've. I really resisted coming into alignment with for a very long time, but I think, having gone through that experience and then the experience of trying to get over the experience, I really think it's something that we need to consider as a healthy approach to coming out of any kind of toxic relationship dynamic, really, where you've been abused emotionally, physically, you know, whatever your story is. I think it's really important that we give people the permission to say you don't need to forgive them right now. Maybe you don't need to ever forgive them, maybe be open to forgiveness, but don't make that the focal point. There's a lot of healing work that needs to be done on the other side of these types of relationships. Forgiveness should not be the first thing, so I'm going to share it with you. So this is for you.

@THEFEMMECAST: 2:20

If you're wanting to get out of, or recently have been out of, a narcissistic relationship and you know, maybe you're struggling with the aftermath, maybe you're still attached or they're always kind of an afterthought or in the back of your mind in some way, you know, just navigating all of your decision making somehow energetically. This is a real thing and everyone in your life is telling you you should just get over it. You need to just forgive them and move on and start dating other people and you just you don't feel ready because even though they're gone and it's over and whatever, you feel like they're still there. Okay, this is very important and I have only ever experienced this, really. I mean, I think I've experienced this on a lot of breakups, but it was to the like, it was next level after a narcissistic break, a breakup with a narcissistic person, and I really do believe that there's something that happens, especially if you're a codependent, which you know, typically as a codependent you will attract a narcissist.

@THEFEMMECAST: 3:14

Narcissist love codependence, codependents love narcissists it's this never ending love story between the two. So when you have that dynamic, there is an energetic attachment that happens between the two. That is very powerful and I think it's probably why we get so caught up in the whirlwind of the romance in the beginning is because there is this energetic cord or tie or whatever you want to call it that really keeps the two of you kind of connected even after you've broken up. And I've seen this play out. I've seen this play out and this is, I think, probably why, when you're with a narcissistic person is they're always obsessed with their exes. They're always talking about what their exes are doing and what they're up to and judging it and criticizing it. And because there is this, I mean it's an ego thing, I think on the one definitely. On the one hand, for sure, let's not negate that it's definitely an ego thing. They need to do that in order to feel better about themselves. But it's different. It's like this, it's this, it's this energetic seed of attachment with all of their ex-suppliers, the narcissistic supply, if you will, that keeps this connection almost still alive. On some level. It's really funky. I've never experienced this before, but definitely definitely a real thing.

@THEFEMMECAST: 4:37

So if you know someone who's struggling, I would invite you to share this episode with them. Um, you know, if they're struggling to get over a narcissist, you know, maybe this will give them the permission that they need to kind of focus on themselves instead of worrying about forgiving the other person. That should come after. Focus on healing yourself. First, my friend, that's the first, that's the most important thing.

@THEFEMMECAST: 4:58

And you know, if this is you and you're going through this, you know my question for you is are you in a situation where you're struggling to get over a narcissist, even though you know you did the right thing leaving? Right? You don't want them back. You don't want the relationship back. Right, you don't want them back. You don't want the relationship back. You know you weren't happy there, but yet they're still in your brain, constantly actively involved in all of your decision-making. Somehow.

@THEFEMMECAST: 5:27

Dm me at the Femcast, let me know. You can find all my links in the show notes below. Let's have a chat. Let's have a conversation, because I'm curious. I know I can't be the only one whose experience is out there. So here's my theory on all this. Okay, take it or leave it.

@THEFEMMECAST: 5:44

Know that your narcissist has made you addicted to them for their love and acceptance, so that you can feel worthy and this way, and the reason why they keep you addicted to this is because this is how they keep you from abandoning them and having to look at their whatever shame it is that they're avoiding. Okay, this is the thing that keeps you on the hook. This is the thing that you know when you start dating a narcissist and the love bombing begins and the attention bombing and the affection bombing and the oh my god, you're so beautiful bombing right that, totally, like it, becomes the best dopamine high you've ever had, especially if you're somebody who's always struggled with confidence and self-worth. You know suddenly to be put on a pedestal like that is so intoxicating and addictive, right. And then we're knocked down. We're knocked down when the whole devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue, devalue.

@THEFEMMECAST: 6:52

And I'm talking about myself as a codependent who struggled with her self-worth and who struggled with her confidence. You know her entire life, I and I think I mentioned this in the last episode when he introduced me to the grandiose narcissist in the beginning who showered me with affection and love bombs, and you know, attention and affection bombs and love bombs, and attention and affection bombs, again, dopamine high. I got so addicted, it felt so good and I believe that that's who he was. And then when the devaluation began, right, which didn't take very long actually, and it happened so suddenly, it didn't take long to start, but it took a long time to really evolve, right. It's very slow and methodical the process. So as it starts, as it begins to happen, I found myself and I'm pretty sure I shared this in the last episode I found myself blaming myself.

@THEFEMMECAST: 7:57

Oh my God, this person is such an amazing person. He's so loving, he's so adoring. I must have done something wrong. So, after months of I must have done something wrong, I really start to believe that I am the problem in the relationship, right. So I started to believe that I'm the problem in the relationship and I'm also fighting to prove that I'm worthy of the love bombing and the attention bombing and the affection bombing that I got in the beginning, right? So I'm working really hard to get that back, because I need my fix. We need a supply just as badly as they do, right? And they know that as long as they cut us off from that supply, they will keep us on the line. That's why narcissists and codependents go together like showers and rainbows. Okay, sun showers and rainbows, I swear to God, although it doesn't feel like sun showers and rainbows, it's quite the opposite, but you know what I'm trying to say, right? So for me, it almost became hardwired that I would be. I was addicted. I became hardwired, addicted to this person Even after the relationship ended.

@THEFEMMECAST: 9:15

The addiction for their approval, for their love bombing, for the attention bombing, the affirmation bombing all of that was still very much alive and active within me. Right? And I read a meme, and I shared it with one of the Facebook groups that I'm in, where I've, like you know, made some really solid relationships. I love Facebook group for meeting, meeting friends, um, by the way, um. So, and you know it was a. It was a meme about or real about how, if you're in a relationship with somebody, it takes you half the length of a relationship to really get over them, right To the point where you're no longer thinking about them and they're not an afterthought. And I read that and I thought, yeah, that's true for most of my relationships, I think.

@THEFEMMECAST: 10:07

But when it came to this relationship, the getting over part was longer than the person was in my life. I couldn't explain it. It was like they were still there in my brain taking up real estate, valuable, valuable real estate in my brain. And every time I would make a decision or do something, or decide to do something, or think about doing something or worry about something that I did, the next thought was always what would they think if they knew this? Oh my God. What would they think, oh my God, if they were checking my social media, if they were doing this, if they were doing that, if I ran into them, if they saw me right now, if they saw how much weight I put on, if they knew I was dating this person, if they knew that, oh my God.

@THEFEMMECAST: 10:45

It was like this obsessive voice in my brain that would not let go of worrying about what they would think, do or say. And I really do believe that it was because I was so addicted to his approval, to his love, bombing to his attention, bombing to his affirmation, bombing, that it became so. It became my life, it almost became my life's mission to avoid the opposite, which would be his judgment, because nothing would hurt more, especially because you know not just you know being a people pleaser and always, you know, worrying about what everyone else thought of me, right Like, regardless of who they were. You know, growing up, I always worried about what everyone else would say or think. Well, this was like again on steroids, like it was so intense. I'd never experienced this intensity in not wanting to experience someone's judgment or lash back.

@THEFEMMECAST: 11:48

Um, and I think a lot of it became down to that. It came down to the fact that I was so addicted to how he made me feel when things were good that I couldn't handle how it felt when things were bad. That, and the fact that you know, I did actually, in the end of the relationship, experience his narcissistic rage and I just I, it was so painful for me. Um, I think that was probably one of the most painful relationship experiences I had ever had, because you literally feel like your limb is being cut off when you're attacked that way. So, and it actually, you know, it's something that that stayed for quite some time and I think you know, at the end of the day, we have to remember and I think this is what makes forgiveness so difficult is that this relationship changed you.

@THEFEMMECAST: 12:37

There was a person before you were in a narcissistic relationship, and there is a person that you are after, and I think that the biggest mistake that we make right and I had this conversation with a friend who recently broke up with a narcissist and she said you know, I just want to go back to being the person I was before I met them. You know, I just want to go back to being the person I was before I met them. You know, I just want to go back to feeling like myself again, to feeling confident again, to feeling inspired again. You know, I don't want to feel like I'm feeling right now. I want to go back to who I was before. And I said to her please listen to what you're saying. Okay, because the person that you were before is the person who attracted him in the first place. So why on earth would you want to go back there? You feeling me right now Like don't be worried about going back to the person who was there before, who you were before, worry about who you are now, worry about how this relationship has transformed you and don't worry about it. Embrace it. Embrace who you are now, embrace how this relationship has transformed you and, you know, step into what life looks like on the other side for you, you know, if, okay. So if it's different, well, how is it different? Or what sort of things are you wanting to do that maybe you're holding yourself back from?

@THEFEMMECAST: 16:31

I know that there was for me. You know there was so many things that you know coming out of this relationship and you know I went into this period of severe isolation, right, and I think it was because I was so afraid of seeing him, of him seeing me, of him seeing me on my social media. You know I didn't want to see him or anyone who knew him. I didn't even want to see an eighth cousin, if he had one. You know I was like stay away. You know it was like stay away the farther the better. You know I did not want any mental, physical, emotional or energetic interaction with this person, directly or indirectly. So for years I would kind of hide myself, you know, I would kind of I kind of cut close myself off a little bit.

@THEFEMMECAST: 17:21

I hit, I didn't really hang out much on social media anymore and obviously, given what I do, that is really bad for my business. You guys, I wasn't like I mean I was sharing on the podcast, but I wasn't sharing on the podcast. You know what I mean. In the back of my head, every time I put something out there, I was like my God, what if he listens to this? What if he sees this? Oh my God, what if he knows I'm talking about him? And I would kind of I would find the most cryptic and strategic ways to share things without actually really sharing what I was talking about.

@THEFEMMECAST: 17:55

And obviously you know this was a huge problem for me. You know it held me back in so many ways, but it wasn't even just that. It was, you know, there was holding back on my social media and not sharing my story and being really vulnerable and transparent about what had unfolded, not sharing it on the podcast. There was also which I will be honest, I still do to this day I still avoid certain circles and areas where I know potentially anybody from that time, from our circle of friends, from our history, might be there, and that is simply because there was so much toxicity in those dynamics all around that I just don't want any part of it anymore. Maybe one day I will, maybe one day I won't.

@THEFEMMECAST: 18:48

It has kept me back in many ways and that's something that I continue to look at and struggle with today. But I'm being really gentle with myself, because I know that the toxicities are there and, you know, I'm really careful not to intentionally put myself. Now, you know, on the other side of this, I'm very careful about not intentionally putting myself in toxic situations, you know. It's just, there's no need for it. You know, I've, I've, I've learned a lot, I've healed a lot. Is it 100%? No, because I probably would be going back to these some of the at least some of these places if, if I'd known.

@THEFEMMECAST: 19:21

You know it was a big part of my life and my story and something that I really enjoy. But I'm also at a different stage of life now. You know I'm also, you know, much farther away than I used to be and it's not as convenient to, like you know, go to a lot of the places that we used to go to, even though I love them at the time. So there's a lot at play, but definitely something for me to continue to look at, I think, as I move through this evolution. So to be continued.

@THEFEMMECAST: 19:58

But then even things like you know, you know, obviously, you know time has passed, you know, different than I did at the time, because you know, we were obviously a lot younger and my lifestyle was very different than it is now. So, you know, there's always this almost icky feeling of like that held me back for so long, of like, well, what if I ran into him looking like this? I don't want him to see me like this. And then one day I was like, fuck this. Like I saw him last time he ain't looking so great, but not that it should be about that. But I mean, that helped me make me feel better, just a little bit.

@THEFEMMECAST: 20:37

But you know, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what they look like or what you look like, it's, it's all about how you feel and how you're living your best life. You know, and I think that when we do that, it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside. I think what's happening on the inside becomes so much more powerful and potent, um, and magnetic, that you know these things, yeah, they may come up and, you know, we may have a little bit of anxiety, but we move through it, you know, we move through it, we, we, we, we, and we come back to, like, our magnetic self and what's important, instead of dwelling on on things like that. You know, and it's normal, it's normal as we get older to feel a little bit self-conscious about our bodies. So I don't know if that's a side effect of the relationship or just a side effect of where I'm at in my age, but I do know that I do.

@THEFEMMECAST: 21:28

I don't worry as much about other people as I do this person, because I know, I remember how critical he was, not just of me, but like of everybody. So, and I fear that, like I fear the criticism, like I, I genuinely fear the criticism, not so much now as I did before, um, but it's there, like it's still there sometimes, like I still wonder, you know, I still wonder, um, not wonder, sorry, I still, it's still an afterthought sometimes, and I have to catch myself and say, no, babe, like that's over, you are enough. You know, like he will have, he will have something to say. Regardless of what you look like, what you do, who you're with, how much you're making or what you're spending, he will have something to say about all of it and that is just who he is. So go on, live your best life and don't give a fuck about what he might be saying or thinking and chances are he's probably not seeing it anyway, so, um, so that's how I kind of talk up myself off of that clip, because I remember him talking about all his exes. I remember the shit that he used to say and I also remember it's so funny that I'm thinking of this right now I also remember looking at these girls and he's putting them down and criticizing them and I'm thinking to myself and I don't want to say this to him at the time.

@THEFEMMECAST: 22:41

This was like at the beginning of the relationship where, yeah, you think everything's again sunshines and what was it? Rain showers, sun showers and rainbows. I remember thinking but these girls look great. I don't see anything wrong with them, her body looks great, she looks like she's doing well for herself. Oh my God, I love her life. Life, I love the.

@THEFEMMECAST: 23:00

It felt like everyone was in this, like they were all in their glow up era after leaving him. They were all in their self-love era. That should have been my first clue, you know what I mean. So I mean, I guess you could say we could all say thank you to this guy for putting us all into our glow up era, because that's what fucking happens after you leave these douchebags, um, so yeah, so you know what. So, and that kind of made me feel better, like, even if he is saying shit and he is pointing you out, chances are the girl on the other end if she's, you know, got her head, you know wits about her she's probably saying, I don't know, she looks like she's doing pretty good. Her podcast sounds pretty fucking dope. I want to follow her, you know, like so, and that's how I kind of changed that narrative, right, because I remembered, I remember feeling that and thinking that when he was, you know, bashing all his exes, so you know, coming to that place, right, and saying, okay, you know what, I'm just not ready, I'm just not available to let this thing hold me back from life anymore.

@THEFEMMECAST: 23:58

Maybe I'm just ready to start living my life. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want this thing to hold me back anymore from the things that I want to do. I've been trying, you know, this whole forgiveness thing, but I can't, because I feel like there's a part of me that was taken away from me, right, and I think that's what makes the forgiveness so hard is that you feel I want to forgive you but I can't because you took a piece of me away. So, before the forgiveness can come, and even if the forgiveness has to come, I'm still out. The jury is still out on that.

@THEFEMMECAST: 24:32

You guys, dr Romani, if you follow her on Instagram, she's amazing when it comes to talking about narcissistic relationships. Hopefully, I'll remember I'll leave her link down down below, but I've actually reached out to her, but I haven't heard back, because I would love to have her on the show. You guys, um, fingers crossed, send vibes, um, but um, where was I going with this? I was going somewhere. She said she goes, you don't need to. She was on um, I think it was louis howe on his podcast and they were talking about you know he brought up this point about.

@THEFEMMECAST: 25:03

You know, how do you forgive a narcissist? He goes, you don't have to. You do not have to forgive your narcissist, and in many ways, that can do more harm than good, especially if it makes you vulnerable to more abuse, right? So I mean, I know we've been told for as long as I can remember we need to forgive our abusers. I just don't believe that. I don't believe that we need to forgive our abusers. I think we need to. Here's what I've done I've made peace with what has happened in my past relationships, right, in my past relationships, right, I've made peace with what's happened. I understand why it's happened. I understand I get it Hurt people, hurt people.

@THEFEMMECAST: 25:50

I understand. I wish you well, but I'm not sure that you would call that forgiveness At peace, and I think that's what Dr Romani had said at the end of that. You know, come to peace with it. You know you don't need to forgive their actions. You don't need to forgive why they did it. I don't, yeah, hurt people, hurt people, but I don't think that excuses bad behavior, because a lot of people are hurt. A lot of people are walking around hurt and they're not hurting other people. You know we have to start holding people accountable for their behavior. You know we can't just keep making excuses for people. People need to evolve, and you know what? Don't worry about evolving them, worry about evolving yourself, you know. So take what happened, what happened, learn from it, apply it right.

@THEFEMMECAST: 26:43

What were the lessons in that relationship? What did it teach you? What was it trying to show you about yourself and how you show up in relationships. You know what are you going to take away with you and do differently in your relationships going forward? Right, because you know the patterns that got you in there and which was that codependency?

@THEFEMMECAST: 27:01

Right, and this is where I think when I go back to my healing journey. You know, my healing journey was again. It was that self-love era, like I just completely immersed myself into learning how to love myself again and this went on, for this was like this was my seven year relationship hiatus, right, and I don't know that anybody told me that that's what I needed to do to heal from a relationship, but that's what I felt I needed really strongly coming out of this. I just wanted to be by myself. I didn't want, I didn't want anyone else's energy in my space. I needed to focus on me. I needed to focus on feeling good about me, and I really do believe.

@THEFEMMECAST: 27:56

You know, we get addicted to these relationships because of you know, all of the affection and attention and validation and acceptance that we get in the beginning and then they take it away from us in the devaluation stage. Right, that's what keeps us on the hook, is that need for that love and acceptance that we got in the beginning. So that's why self love is such an important tool in all of this is because if we can reverse engineer that and become our own source of love and acceptance, then we are no longer vulnerable to these types of relationships. Are you feeling me here? This is why the self-love work is so fucking important. Like people knock it, but guys, I kid you not, it saved my life. Like it saved my life. Like it saved my life. It saved my heart and I will preach it till the cows come home. Honestly, like I will not stop preaching it and it's actually really changed powerfully changed the way I show up in relationships. So I'm going to be sharing a lot more of that in the weeks and months to come, but for now, just please trust me.

@THEFEMMECAST: 29:05

Like if you're if, and nothing will deter a narcissist better than having self love for yourself. Because now they know you're not a supply, they know right away, they can smell you from across the street and they're like, oh, no, wrong tree and it. It feels weird at first Because it kind of feels like when I like when I first noticed this pattern happening when I started to get out there and start dating again. And I noticed like, oh, these guys were like so put off by me. And I was like, oh my God, like what is it? Do I smell, like what? And I realized I was like, oh, narcissists don't like to play with the one who loves yourself. They don't. It triggers the crap out of them because in you loving yourself and not needing them, you trigger them because now their shame's coming up so they don't like to be around you. It is the best narcissist deterrent when you actually learn how to love yourself. Please trust me on that. Take it out for a spin, take it for a test drive. Let me know what happens.

@THEFEMMECAST: 30:12

Okay, and so, and you know, moving through that experience, you know, obviously, you know recognizing. You know I went back, I did the self-love work and, for those of you who are curious, you can, I do have a free 21 day radical self-love challenge. You can probably find it in the show notes or on my Instagram at the Femcast. There's always links to that around somewhere. But you know, going through that experience and doing the radical self-love work, I'm like, okay, you know what I also need to just start getting back out there and living. You know, maybe I can't live the same life that I lived before. You know, maybe it's changed, so be it. But who am I now? What do I want now? What am I craving now? What am I desiring now? And what are those things that I'm saying no to myself to? And this is very important. What are those things that I am saying no to myself to because I don't feel safe doing them because of how this person might respond?

@THEFEMMECAST: 31:16

Right, make a list of all those things. What are you holding yourself back from? Where are you hiding and not showing up fully? Where are you altering yourself or filtering yourself or being cryptic about who you are and what you're thinking and feeling? And then make another list of what it would look like if you didn't hide anymore. You know, what would it look like? What would life be like if you weren't in hiding? What would it be like to be out there boldly and unapologetically and not worrying about what this person was saying or thinking behind your back, right and recognizing what and this is the important question, and I really had to sit with this for a minute recognizing how do I put this the outcome of living your life that way? What are the results? What does living your life that way gift you? And I say gift because it is miraculous, right? What do you get out of living your life this way that you are keeping yourself from for fear that they might see you Right? So for me, it was my podcast, it was my purpose, it was my mission, it was how I wanted to help people, it was my business and the success of my business. All of this was hinging on me, not hiding anymore and not being afraid to say what happened for fear that I might run into him again and he would be pissed and listen. I understand.

@THEFEMMECAST: 32:51

Not every narcissist is alike and I will put this out there as a caveat. Not every narcissist is alike. There are many different types of narcissists. In this case he was a very grandiose narcissist. Types of narcissists In this case he was a very grandiose narcissist, damaging mentally and emotionally, not so much physically. But I understand that there is a physical fear that comes with being with a narcissist as well, especially if they're. I believe it's a malignant narcissist, but I can't really remember. But you know, keep your safety in mind, remember. But you know, keep your safety in mind, always seek out support Again, this is just from my experience.

@THEFEMMECAST: 33:29

I am not a psychologist, I am not a therapist. This is just how I handled it. So be mindful. You know your situation better than anyone else. If this person is dangerous, you know, maybe take a different approach, but this is what worked for me. You know, maybe take a different approach, but this is what worked for me. So I made a list of what could have been true for me in my life and how opening up myself and allowing myself to be seen would mean for me.

@THEFEMMECAST: 33:57

And now my need suddenly my need for this person not to be angry with me, diminished because I'm like, yeah, but look at all the stuff I get. If I don't, if I don't worry about that anymore, am I really willing to give all of this up so that this douchebag doesn't have anything bad to say about me? No, no, and even if I run into him again, I will fucking handle it. Like if he's got a few choice words for me, so be it. You know it wouldn't be the first time I got over it before. I will get over it again, and this time I will feel and I know that I've changed how I felt, because I have changed how I show up in relationships. I will see his trigger a lot differently. Or maybe he's grown and I don't know. Maybe he's realized the errors in his ways. Who knows, miracles are possible. My friends, I really don't believe narcissists can change. That's actually been confirmed, that they don't change because they don't seek help, because they don't realize they're narcissists. They don't think they're doing anything wrong.

@THEFEMMECAST: 34:58

It really is like a whole mixed bag of ugh anyway. But it comes from wounding, right, so we have to remember. It comes from being wounded, it comes from shame. It comes from a fear of abandonment and rejection that is so deep. But you know, we can't keep. We can't be the sacrificial lamb in someone else's healing. We can't. We have to worry about our own healing. We have to worry about our own healing and our own well-being and let people deal with their stuff. Okay, we cannot take on that accountability.

@THEFEMMECAST: 35:34

So, after making this list and getting really clear that, okay, well, you know I'm holding myself back in these ways because I don't want this person to say anything. But you know, holding myself back means that I'm depriving myself of all these dreams and aspirations that I've been wanting for so long. So is it really worth not taking action anymore. So okay, so where am I ready to take action? So, one by one, I started to give myself the love and acceptance that I needed from him. I started to give that to myself, and that's really where the self-love work became very powerful, right? So I encourage you to take that 21 day radical self-love challenge if this is something that you know really resonates for you, totally free, and it's all you get. If you sign up for my email, you'll get all the links to all the videos and the exercises and everything. It's super simple.

@THEFEMMECAST: 36:24

But you know, I gave myself the love and acceptance I was seeking from him and in doing so, I was zaned and able to go out and start doing some of the things because I no longer needed his love and acceptance. I had my own motherfucking love and acceptance y'all. I didn't need nobody else's, and that is really the beautiful thing and that's where doing the self-love work is so powerful is. It breaks that addiction, that codependency, that need to have someone else validate you on your behalf, because you are now self-sourced. You are now. You now have access of your own love and acceptance, so you don't need to bend over backwards to like fetch that anywhere else and if it comes to you, great, enjoy it, make it beautiful, make it, make it mean something and savor it and appreciate it, but know that you don't need it. And that is the most empowering way to show up in any fucking relationship, I don't care who it is.

@THEFEMMECAST: 37:26

So the lesson in all of this, my friends, is when we give the love and acceptance that we are wishing for from others to ourselves, we are free from needing it and finally free to be ourselves. And I know that this is something that I always had, this thing, this desire to feel free, and I didn't know what it meant, because I had a free life. I mean, there was challenges, like any other life, but there was no religious persecution. You know, I wasn't persecuted because of my race or anything like that. I had every opportunity available to me, but yet, for some reason, I always craved freedom, and I couldn't explain it to anybody, and I realized that one day it was just the freedom to just be myself. So there you have it.

@THEFEMMECAST: 38:14

So if this resonated with you, like I said, go ahead and take that 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.

@THEFEMMECAST: 38:21

Or if you want to dive deeper with me, you can go ahead and book your very own 90 minute intensive where we'll dive really deep into some of your relationship experiences and beliefs that are leading you to go down these rabbit holes with toxic and narcissistic partners. That is all for now, you guys. Stop waiting, chasing and convincing them to choose you, choose yourself and become a magnet for healthy love, the kind that chooses you every single time. If you love this episode, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a positive rating and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this episode. And don't forget to engage with me at the Femcast and let me know if you're going through something similar and, if you, if you're, if you're letting your ex narcissistic relationship hold you back from living your best life and, if so, how, because I'm really curious. Hit me up at the femcastcom. That is all for now, you guys. Until next time, massive love.