View From The Top
81. THE FORGE: Blending Families After a Devastating Divorce
"[The stepmom] deserves to be a parent to my children, just as I deserve to be a parent to her children, as long as we've got their best interest at heart.”
We put mystery stepfather, Bobby, under the forge today to talk about how he came back from total devastation 3 years ago. Both Wally and Big A really get at the deepest levels of why he and his wife divorced and how he determined to make the choices he made.
When life hands you a blend of triumphs and trials, it's the resilience cultivated through each challenge that truly defines us. As we navigate the emotional landscape of divorce and blended family dynamics, we uncover the essential role of empathy, understanding, and mentorship. Bobby's candid testimony underscores the power of community, particularly that of the Iron Sharpens Iron Mastermind group, which proved instrumental in his inspiring transformation.
Key Takeaways:
- Being defensive vs. argumentative when you are a "less emotional" man
- The best advice to give couples blending their families together
- How to change things when you're in the worst place you've ever been
This episode is for those facing the harrowing task of co-parenting amidst separation. We broach the tough decisions that come with prioritizing children's well-being and the profound impact such choices have on family harmony.
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Connect with Big A and Wally:
View From The Top Website: https://www.viewfromthetop.com/
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Big A’s Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aaronwalkerviewfromthetop/
Wally’s Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevinwallenbeck/
"[The stepmom] deserves to be a parent to my children, just as I deserve to be a parent to her children, as long as we've got their best interest at heart.”
We put mystery stepfather, Bobby, under the forge today to talk about how he came back from total devastation 3 years ago. Both Wally and Big A really get at the deepest levels of why he and his wife divorced and how he determined to make the choices he made.
When life hands you a blend of triumphs and trials, it's the resilience cultivated through each challenge that truly defines us. As we navigate the emotional landscape of divorce and blended family dynamics, we uncover the essential role of empathy, understanding, and mentorship. Bobby's candid testimony underscores the power of community, particularly that of the Iron Sharpens Iron Mastermind group, which proved instrumental in his inspiring transformation.
Key Takeaways:
- Being defensive vs. argumentative when you are a "less emotional" man
- The best advice to give couples blending their families together
- How to change things when you're in the worst place you've ever been
This episode is for those facing the harrowing task of co-parenting amidst separation. We broach the tough decisions that come with prioritizing children's well-being and the profound impact such choices have on family harmony.
LinkedIn Group: https://www.viewfromthetop.com/group
Local Roundtable Events: https://go.viewfromthetop.com/isiroundtable
Connect with Big A and Wally:
View From The Top Website: https://www.viewfromthetop.com/
The Climb Newsletter: https://www.viewfromthetop.com/climb
Big A’s Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aaronwalkerviewfromthetop/
Wally’s Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevinwallenbeck/
I wasn't the only one going to have to go through the struggle. My kids were going to have to go through it and I'm sorry for getting emotional but they're not going through it now, but they did. We all paid a price.
Speaker 2:Hey everybody, welcome back to View From the Top podcast, where we help growth-minded men who desire momentum in their business, their family and their finance get through the valleys and up the mountain to their very own view from the top. Hey, I'm glad you're listening in today. My name is Wally, also known as Kevin, or Kevin also known as Wally it depends on the day and we're going to get big A in the studio with us here in just a moment. Before we do, I just want to mention the podcast. The episode we're recording today is what we call a forge episode.
Speaker 2:So what's pretty cool about this is we have somebody that comes on that really has some sensitive, real, private information that they want to be able to share as a blessing to others to learn from, but they're just not willing to or maybe it's not wise for them, due to privacy reasons, to go ahead and put their face up. So we mask their voice and we mask their face. But we have great conversations where we dive into some pretty heavy topics and let's get big A in the studio, and then I'll let him talk about Bobby, our guest for today, and just kind of the journey that he's been on. So let's get let's get big A in here, big A in the studio.
Speaker 3:Wally what's?
Speaker 2:going on, I was listening.
Speaker 3:I was listening a little bit to your introduction and you were talking about your Kevin some days and Wally the other. And you know what dawned on me. This is kind of funny. I didn't think about it until you said it. But you're Wally to me when I'm happy with you, but you're Kevin when I'm upset at you.
Speaker 2:So just so you know, if I call you my mom when she's not happy, it's Kevin Michaels.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay, Well, I've never added your middle name, so maybe I'll do that in the future. Man, how you been, you doing well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm doing well, man. It's been good. We've actually had a couple of weeks off here. We recorded some episodes, and then we had a couple of weeks off to kind of enjoy our spring a little bit. And now we're back in and rocking and rolling.
Speaker 3:Got to take a trip. Matter of fact, I want to talk to you about a portion of my trip. Got to go see my granddaughter. You know she lives down in Florida and Robin and I took a little time. I went down and visited with her. But what I wanted to ask you about is something that's not completely new, but it's a little bit new. It's called Clear and you can go up and you know, look into the Clear and it reads your retina.
Speaker 2:I guess in your eye At the airport. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, at the airport. And then there's the TSA, which Robert and I have the.
Speaker 3:TSA, the pre-check. And so I was walking by this attendant and he said, hey, if you've got an American Express, they'll pay for clear. And I said, well, I've got an American Express, but I don't think I want clear. One of the reasons is because the line is three times longer now on clear than it is the pre-check.
Speaker 3:But really the point of my conversation for this topic is not about whether you get it or not, but what do you think about it? Like, where is this thing headed? Because now I'm seeing this thing in cruise terminals. It's in doctor's offices, it's in finance, it's in the airport. Like is this going to become the thing? Do you think that Clear is? You know, even stadiums they're starting to do know, even stadiums, they're starting to do it in football stadiums. Now it feels a little bit invasive to me and Robin is like no way. But I'm like well, okay, we can send it home. But I think if they require this going forward to go in to see a Titans football game or get on an airplane, then you're going to have to do it. Any thoughts around that? Just real quick. My buddy, john Acuff, posted the other day about it and it really got me thinking about it again, and so I thought I'd bring it up for a second.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's interesting. Somebody said one time whether this is true or not they said the future of technology actually isn't necessary. They said that the future of technology actually isn't necessary, and what they meant by that was there's really not any future technology that's necessary for us to live on a daily basis and enjoy our lives. It really isn't. I'm not saying the pursuit of it is bad, I'm just saying, just like a lot of other things, the pursuit of technology can lead to a lot of things that that, frankly, I'd prefer not to live with or have to deal with. Um, and I think that, like ai is probably one of those, clear is probably one of those there's things that I've like man, we didn't blockchain, crypto yeah, if we didn't have to go there like that'd be great.
Speaker 2:I'm not personally going there. You know as far as like, uh, putting a lot of effort into it and and things like. You're not going there. You know as far as like, putting a lot of effort into it and and things like that.
Speaker 3:You're not going there intentionally, but you could be forced to participate.
Speaker 2:I could. Yeah, I mean, if that ever came, I think I'd have to address that. Then I don't like you know. I think it's important to be prepared for when you have to make those kinds of decisions, but I don't like to sit around and talk about. You know what I'm going to do when that happens all the time.
Speaker 3:You don't know, yeah, well, I mean you kind of know, because you kind of have some hopefully you've got some Parameters, some boundaries.
Speaker 2:Yeah, some boundaries and some things set up that you're willing to live with or not, and you have to make those choices. I think when we're not, when we're totally unprepared, it gives us trouble. But, related to Clear specifically, I've free TSA. There's actually a global one that I'd like to do a little more global traveling and that's a pain. Coming back in and out and not having the global like that's a big deal. That's actually pretty helpful. When it comes to getting my retina scan, the first thing that I hear, that I hear in my head, is the. The crime of stealing people's eyeballs is going to increase. That's what I hear.
Speaker 2:I don't know about that like like, yeah, like someone take my eyeball and all of a sudden, you watch that maybe yeah, I, at the end of the day, I'm I'm not not pro technology.
Speaker 2:I just think there's some things that I'd rather not do and if I'm faced with them and I have to make a decision about something because I feel like it crosses some boundaries or something like I'll do it at that point. Hopefully they still have. You know, I mean, we've been talking about digital currencies and stuff for a long time. We've had cash for a long time and we still have cash today, and that took a while. I think gasoline cars are going to take a while to phase out versus all electric. So I don't know if it's a thing I'll have to necessarily make a hard stance on in my lifetime. Maybe I don't know, we'll see what happens.
Speaker 3:I think you will quite honestly, yeah, because I think technology is exponentially happening at a greater pace than it did 20 years ago, I think they said, technology doubled every year now versus every 10 years.
Speaker 3:And so you know, a buddy of mine challenged me on that the other day. I love to shoot and so I have a handgun carry permit. And you know, he said you got fingerprinted and you buy these suppressors for your rifle and you've got to have a federal stamp and be fingerprinted at a couple of different locations to have these suppressors, and like, what's the difference? And I didn't have a good argument for him. Quite honestly, just to be honest with you, I may be a little bit to the other side related to what you're saying. I kind of like the technology, but it starts to feel a little invasive when you're scanning your retina, and so that's where I've got to decide if we're crossing the boundaries. Listen, let's talk about our guest today, bobby.
Speaker 3:Bobby and I walked through some very difficult situations in his personal life.
Speaker 3:I was kind of a mentor, kind of a coach. He did join Iron Sharpens, iron Mastermind several years ago and got around a bunch of great guys. But man, this guy went through it, I mean a really, really ugly divorce. He's got a blended family now and I thought it would be really good to get him on to discuss his situation, because he's gone from some real trials to some major successes as it relates to his kids and his new wife and his ex-spouse and things like that. He's kind of mended some fences, if you will, and so I know that 40% of the American population deals with this now to some level, and so we thought it would be a good idea to bring Bobby in. Very vulnerable, very transparent. He's the kind of guy that wants to help other people, and so it's really fun to do it in this episode, because we do do it in the forge, where we mask the participants so that we disguise their voice and disguise their face so that they can be really, really transparent, and so really excited to have Bobby with us today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I am too. Let's get Bobby in here.
Speaker 3:Hey, bobby, man, I'm glad you're with us today.
Speaker 3:You know, going back a number of years I don't know how many years it is now five or six years ago, you heard me speak from stage and you kind of weakened me out a little bit.
Speaker 3:You came up to me right directly after the presentation and you said hey, man, I want to hire you as my coach. And I'm like well, hey, my name is Big A, it's nice to meet you, and it kind of went that way. And then you and I entered into a one on one coaching mentoring relationship and you were in a pretty rough spot at the time. I mean, you were walking through some deep waters, and so I thought it would really be helpful to our community to bring you on, because now you're thriving and you went through a tough spot as it related to a divorce, and now you've got a blended family and got the privilege of walking through that journey with you. And so thank you first of all for coming on today, being willing to share your story. So why don't you give us a little context and take us back several years in this kind of talk through having a blended family?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, good to be here, guys. I appreciate the invite and I'll try to get right into it at the invite and I'll try to get right into it. I think it was 2020. You were on stage at church and talking about the mastermind group that you led and my backstory was I had been in business on my own. I was partnered from 2012 to 2015 in a boutique company. Three years of funding them and getting them off to the races. I decided that I'd be better suited on my own, so I left in 2015 and started up my own company and have been doing that since 2015. So nine years now.
Speaker 1:But I had gotten to a point, kind of in all aspects of my life, where I knew I had gone as far as my knowledge could take me and that was relationally, spiritually, business-wise.
Speaker 1:I found myself a lot of times where I was having to make a decision and I wish I had someone to call and I had joked with you, if you remember in the very beginning, that I had spent probably a year or two years really searching online word of mouth, trying to find a business coach, mentor, and I really didn't find anything that felt like it was a good fit for me the day I saw you on stage.
Speaker 1:I knew that that was a God thing and I knew and I had my kids with me I knew that I needed to catch you before you left. So as soon as, as soon as they dismissed church, I ran straight up there with my kids in hand and introduced myself to you because I just felt like that wasn't a coincidence. You were there for a reason and I had been looking and that was kind of an answer to some prayers that I had and I had told you, I think when we first started talking I wish there was something called rent-a-grandpa or something like that my parents had passed away, my grandparents were all gone. Here I was in my mid-40s, early mid-40s, and nobody to call.
Speaker 3:I don't know about that rent-a-grandpa comment but, we'll just, that's okay, I wrote that down. I forgot about that, but yeah, you did say that now that I remember.
Speaker 1:So rent a grandpa big a I think I think you actually bought the domain name uh out of it, just uh. I think you mentioned to me one day you said I went and bought that wwwrentagrantballcom or something that is so funny.
Speaker 3:I did I forgot about that man. It's been years ago, so I forgot You're right.
Speaker 1:You have no idea how invaluable having someone to call when you're in a tough situation is, and I heard someone say recently you'll never love your parents more than you do when they're gone. And it's true, and one of the reasons is because you realize that there was a wealth of knowledge that you hadn't tapped yet and they're not there, that you hadn't tapped yet and they're not there. And those are the people who there's not very many men on this planet that want you to do better than themselves, but your parents, your grandparents. So sometimes getting advice from outside sources that aren't trusted, or family members, isn't the best advice, because those people don't always want to see you succeed.
Speaker 1:So I found myself in a situation where I knew a lot of guys in the industry that I was in that were more experienced than me, but they were also out for themselves experience than me, but they were also out for themselves. So I couldn't really call them and ask them what do you think I should do here? Because it was a cutthroat business, and so it was an answered prayer to meet you, to get involved with Iron, sharpens, iron, because there I found that community of people that had a vested interest in my own success. Um, you know, and so that that was.
Speaker 1:That was really that you know, and you've seen me from the beginning, you know, when I was going through troubled waters, kind of going through the woods, going through it, if you would and I told my wife this. Sometimes I feel like an imposter in my own life because we've been so blessed. You know I don't always feel deserving and it's too much. You know too much. Well, you're doing great.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're doing great now, Bobby, but I want to go back a number of years because when I first met you, we met week after week after week and you were in a really dark place and I remember countless conversations that we had. It's like I don't know what I'm going to do. Like I'm confronted with this situation. I'm going through this really ugly divorce. I've got kids and man I could tell I don't know that I've ever met a man that loves his kids any better than you do. Like I've never seen a guy that puts his kids at the forefront of his thoughts in every decision that you make. And that's been pretty cool to watch that.
Speaker 3:But it was difficult because you've got a business to run right and you're going through a divorce and there's someone else that you found that you loved and you're torn. You're like man, I don't know what to do and do I work this out? And I want to be there for my kids and I want to honor my commitments. And I remember the anguish that you were going through, many, many, many times to tears. You were at a spot that you just didn't know where to turn. So take us back there just for a second. What was going through your mind. Was it your family? Was it your kids? Was it your business? All the above, what are some of those things?
Speaker 3:that you were dealing with during that time.
Speaker 1:It was business with business. I mean that's just an outside variable that you were dealing with during that time. It was, uh, business was business. I mean that's just an outside variable that you can. You know it. Uh, and and in 2020, I mean, you know, COVID hit transportation, stopped the industry that I'm in was, uh, hugely impacted, just like a lot of industries, and so, um, we saw some of the worst times that we'd ever seen in my industry.
Speaker 1:Um, in that time and um, you know, and then, of course, I'm going through, uh, a divorce and, uh, it was my, my only challenge, my, my biggest challenge with with my divorce was my kids. That was it. My son was six when we were going through the divorce. My dad left when I was six. My parents got a divorce. He left when I was six.
Speaker 1:Then he moved out of state. He didn't come back for a lot of years, so that had a big impact on me as a kid, and so I knew what that felt like as a six year old boy whose dad had left, and I didn't want to be that to my son or my daughter. That was the biggest thing for me was how are they going to be? Are they going to be okay, Are they going to handle this okay? And I was in a situation where I didn't really have a choice. That was a toxic marriage and there was one person willing to work on themselves and it was me. And in my mind I thought my kids are better growing up where at least 50% of the time there's peace, because the other 50% I couldn't control, versus 100% of the time being conflict.
Speaker 1:And that was where my head was at, and so let's go back for a second.
Speaker 3:Let's go back for a second. I mean interrupt you. Let's go back for a second. I want to remind you of some things that obviously you've forgotten. You said it's the only thing. That's not true. There were things that you were dealing with lack of sleep, you didn't have any motivation, your finances were in a terrible position.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's all.
Speaker 3:Mentally, emotionally.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's all you didn't know, where you were going to live.
Speaker 3:You didn't know if you were going to live in Kentucky or Tennessee or which house. So let's don't say it was just the kids. Okay, Like you were in total chaos at that time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree, there was a lot going on. I guess what I mean is that my primary focus was protecting my kids. I give you that that was my primary focus. I agree with that. I agree you that that was my primary focus. I agree with that. I agree with that. I was going through a lot of stuff at the time, but those are the things that I want to navigate, though.
Speaker 3:Those are the things I want to talk about. How did you ultimately then make the decision? Because you had a beautiful home in an area of Nashville. There was another place, in another state, that you were living temporarily. Take us through some of those challenges. Where did you get counsel? How did you decide? The people that are listening to us today? A lot of people are going through the same thing that you were going through three years ago. They're right there, right now.
Speaker 2:So what advice?
Speaker 3:would you give them in making some of those decisions, maybe the same as you did, or maybe differently than you did?
Speaker 1:So you're in that situation and you're trying to look forward and there's two paths right, and so I've always been really good at playing things out into the future. So you know you've got two of what you do, how you you know how you behave, respond, treat people, and you don't have any control of the other person. And so, but you tried to because I remember every single week I'm going to change them.
Speaker 3:They're going to have to do this. I'm going to see to it that you. You know she responds in this way and you kept hitting the wall. You were like man, what do I do? And you came to this realization you can only control what you do.
Speaker 1:That's exactly right, that you can only control what you do.
Speaker 1:And so, uh, I just ended up in a situation where, you know, uh, road a was, uh, a brick wall, road B was gonna be a hard one. Okay, I did have a beautiful home in the nicest neighborhood north of Nashville, you know, right there on the lake. You know we, you know we, uh, there was going to be a lot of things that I was going to have to lose, and I knew that. You know, um, but the game, even though I knew it was going to be, uh, going to take some years, uh, the gain was worth the struggle that I was going to have to go through. But, but always, always, the one thing that would eat at me was I wasn't the only one going to have to go through the struggle. I was going to have to. My kids were going to have to go through it, and I'm sorry for getting emotional, but they're not going through it now, but they did, and we all paid a price and, uh, and they, they got through it, uh, seemingly far better than I did.
Speaker 3:They're resilient, aren't they? Aren't they? They bounce.
Speaker 1:They adjusted really quick. I mean it wasn't but maybe a couple months and you know they were good. I mean they get good grades in school. You know they're good. I mean they get good grades in school. You know they're. They're happy, they've. They've got what I consider. They live in a nice home on both sides of the equation, you know they've. They've got more than they need, you know. So they they've done remarkably well given the situation that they had to go through, and it wasn't their choice, you know.
Speaker 1:But I can tell you now where we are today, you know, in comparison to where we were, is on on my side of the equation, uh, and, and I think on their mom's side of the equation as well, sometimes two people just don't need to be together, you know, and you fight your faith. You know your, your faith kind of comes into play because we're told that we need to work things out. You want to keep the family unit together, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way and it's unfortunate but it just doesn't. So you do your best to get through the woods, so to speak. So you do your best to get through the woods, so to speak, with the vision of coming out on the other side being as good or better. You obviously want to want to be in a far better situation now than we were, you know, because they don't have to see the confrontation anymore, and I've learned a lot as well. It's been a really good experience for me, bobby it has.
Speaker 3:But I'm going to poke the bear a minute. I know I'm picking this gab off, but you're talking so much calmer now than three years ago. Three years ago there was total devastation. You didn't have any vision for the future whatsoever. Hindsight's always 20-20. We can always look back and go oh my gosh, I wouldn't trade a million, you know, for going through, but at the time you were like at a crossroads. Most days you were like big A I don't know which way to turn, like I'm dealing with extreme craziness over here on this side. Now my kids what am I going to do?
Speaker 3:There was not any sense of normalcy in their life whatsoever, and that's what I want to talk about for a second to the people that are listening today. Give them a sense of hope and you have but take them back to the reality of the value of you, surrounding yourself with trusted advisors. You had a council of men that were around you, that were encouraging you, that were helping you right, and they were loaning you their courage when you didn't have any. I just saw you, day in, day out, week after week, where you absolutely didn't know where to turn. And so today it's easy to see it right. You're flourishing your family, your unit is doing amazing, but there was a time where you were like man, I don't know what to do next, like I don't even know which way to turn, and that's where I want to take you back to for a second, so you can give the people that are listening a sense of hope and encouragement as it relates to going through this journey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, when you find yourself in those situations you are lost, especially if you've never been through it before. That's not something that I've ever been through before. I mean, you know you're in relationships and relationships they don't work out. They don't work out and those are easy to me. But when you have children involved now you've got a lot of difficult things that you're going to have to navigate, because I don't know that you love anybody more than your own children on this planet, right, and so that's a tough that. So every decision you make because you are their provider, you are their caretaker, they are looking to you for everything Every decision you make, big or small, has an impact on them.
Speaker 1:So you know you wrestle a lot with every single little decision because, especially me, I'm trying to. If I do this, how does this play out? How does this affect them? So I just was always cognizant of that, knowing that whatever I choose to do is going to have an impact on them, and I just need to minimize the impact on them as much as possible and you took the blunt of it most of the time.
Speaker 3:I even wrote it down because it was so jumbled in my own mind I couldn't get my head around it. There was a point in time, and even currently, where you were dealing with parenting, co-parenting, step-parenting, dealing with an ex-spouse, the ex-spouse's new spouse, the current spouse, the current spouse's ex spouse, and it was like you didn't have any idea which way to go. You were like, oh my gosh, what do I do? Tell me something that you think was a mistake early on, so that the people listening to this today 40% of the American population today are living in blended families. 40%, that's a big portion of our audience even today. Tell us, first of all, one or two things. That you did is a warning You're firing a shot over the bow of the boat. Do not do this. What would you say, first and foremost?
Speaker 1:My biggest mistake, if I'm going to shoot a warning shot is whenever we blended officially and got under one roof. This was my mindset going into it. You don't think about it behind. So it's 2020. I had my kids and she had her kids and so anytime that my kids would do something and mess up and she would get on to them, I would come to their defense and defend them and defend them. And what happened was I would defend them. So if they would do something and she would get on to them, they would look at me to defend them and you kind of feel like you have a responsibility to do that out of guilt, right, and so I would defend my kids. And what ends up happening when you do that is they don't respect the other parent because you're coming to their defense.
Speaker 1:So what the other parent just said is nolan void, my dad's here and what he's saying is going to be the golden rule, and so that was that. That causes more problems in a blended family, in my opinion, than anything else. The the issues that me and my my wife have or have had, almost always stemmed from the children. It wasn't't a her and I issue. 99% of the time it was me defending my kids, you know. And so I've gone through a learning curve and I've done a lot of work on me, but I realized where you know and she would tell me you know, you keep coming to their defense and they don't respect me because they think that what I say doesn't matter. And I saw it and I adjusted. That doesn't work.
Speaker 3:Did you know it at the time? Did you recognize?
Speaker 1:it initially.
Speaker 1:Not initially, not initially. I think you're just doing the best you can. You're making decisions on the fly because you've never been in this situation before, so it's all new. So you're like a kid. You know, you make a choice, you touch the hot frying pan. It burns you. That's when you learn. You don't know until you do it.
Speaker 1:And so it was the same situation, uh, when we blended um, I would do these things on the fly, not realizing the impact that it was going to have on the whole, and the impact was that my kids, uh, didn't want to listen to her because, well, I'm going to ask daddy, you know. And so I backed off. You know, because I know she's a she's an unbelievable parent, she's an unbelievable mom. She has her kids are great kids, you know. And so I knew that, well, there's really no reason for me to be defending my kids because what she's getting on to them for is legitimate, and so I need to back off, I need to let her parent, so that there's a level of respect for her as well. If I come to save the day, there's never going to be that respect, and if I, if my children, don't respect her, then I'm looked at as I'm allowing my kids to walk on her, and there's only so much of that that someone can take before there's resentment and that resentment turns into ultimately a divorce, because 75% of second marriages and then divorce and I love her more than any human being I've loved on this planet and I could not see myself allowing a divorce to happen because of me, because I was doing something wrong. So I learned, I learned to step back, you know, and so and we both do that you know, if, if her girls it's not often, but you know, if they're, uh, on the wrong path or something, you know, I I have the freedom to speak to them and give them some direction. Uh, and I don't direction, I don't discipline her children. She doesn't discipline my children, and I'm talking about corporal discipline. We don't spank each other's kids or any of that kind of stuff like that. But she has a right and she deserves to be a parent to my children, just as I deserve to be a parent to my children, just as I deserve to be a parent to her children, as long as we've got their best interest at heart.
Speaker 1:And if you don't allow that, if you come to the defense of your children, you will end up getting a divorce and a second marriage. No doubt about it, it'll end. It won't work because there's just too much you have to think. Here's somebody agreeing to marry you and spend the rest of their life side by side with you, and agreeing to help raise children that are not theirs. That's a big commitment.
Speaker 1:So imagine somebody committing that to you and then you allowing your children to walk on them, to not respect them, to not ever have to listen to them, because you're going to continue to come to their defense. So that's a train wreck. If there was one thing that I could offer to anyone in this situation where they find themselves in a blended family is to let their step parent be a parent, as long as they're a good parent and they have your children's best interest at heart, then you should never come to the defense of your children's misbehavior, because at the end of the day, they may be your children, but they're still misbehaving Right. So they need to get the guidance of the step-parent just as well as you, and you can't come to their defense If you do Right, okay, so I'm just going to put this out there.
Speaker 2:That all sounds great.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:So I came from a divorced family. My dad left when I was five. Very similar to you and I believe you 100%, like I've witnessed I could go and tell some of my story on this, but this is about you today, so it sounds great what you're saying. But for you to get there so that was maybe a mistake at first that's the shot across the bow to say, hey, let's be aware of this, that this is going to happen. What was the journey for you and your new wife to get to that point? Like, how long did it go on? Like who brought did it go on? Like who brought it up first? How did you approach it? Did you have outside counsel? Did you guys figure it out yourself? How many fights did you have before You're like this is stupid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so all of the above. So there's a particular gentleman in my group in Iron, sharpens Iron, who has been through a divorce, remarried, blended their family, who I talk to quite a bit, and I would call and ask you know, hey, I'm in this situation, is this normal? How did you handle it? You know, did I do something wrong? And, man, he was invaluable, he's become a really good friend.
Speaker 1:That, coupled with going through you know, how do you get here? Well, it's like it's like a business, right, it's like. It's like it's like building a successful business. You start up a business, you go out into into the market, you try to sell a product or a service or whatever, and you make a mistake and that mistake cost you, you know, in business. It costs you money, it costs you employees, it costs you reputation in a relationship. It costs you, it could cost you a relationship, you know it. It causes, uh, disputes, um trust, you know, yeah, yeah, there's just so many things so that, so, that was a part of it is is make, is doing things, and then, and then seeing the repercussions of the things that I was doing and, uh, sometimes she would tell me, you know, sometimes she would bring it to my attention because I didn't see it, you know especially Did you handle that really well at first.
Speaker 1:No, I did. You're hard headed.
Speaker 3:I know you didn't. I got defensive Sure and uh how'd that work out for you being defensive?
Speaker 1:It just causes more problems.
Speaker 1:You know you, uh, it's, it's, it's, you know you, you defend your position and I and I'm just gonna I'm just talking to you guys Like I would talk to anybody currently with another member in isi, and this guy man, uh, he's just unbelievable, and I just got to a place where I realized that I needed to work on me. I needed to look in the mirror and admit where I was doing wrong. You know, and and and be willing to to, to, you know, shell out the money to find the right person to help me work, work through my own issues, and um, and I've, and I'm in the process right now. I've been going through the process for months, um, and one thing I've learned is that, you know is so I'm a really logical person, own, is so I'm a really logical person.
Speaker 1:I've been accused of not being very affectionate. Uh, and I think this is a story for a lot of men, um, especially guys in business, not trying to generalize, but a lot of the men I know hear the same thing from their wives You're not affectionate, I don't think you love me, you know that kind of stuff, and so, um, but we're, I'm a logical creature, my wife is very emotional, and so you know, um, anytime something would be brought up. Uh, I'm just being logical and having a logical conversation and explaining, uh, my points, right? So this is why I did this one, two, three, four and list them out, and I thought, when she would say you always get defensive and we can't talk, I thought she meant I was being argumentative. But I wasn't being argumentative. I was presenting a case right To maybe bring some understanding, but I was defending I just shut it down for her right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was defending, hence defensiveness, and I never put it together in my head that me presenting my own case was defending or getting defensive. And what I've learned is that that's not where I need to meet her, you know. I need to meet her where she's at, in her emotions, you know. And instead of getting defensive, what I should say is I'm sorry that I did something to make you feel that way, because that's the last thing that I want to do.
Speaker 1:I don't want you to feel that way. I don't want you to feel disrespected. I don't want you to feel unloved. I don't want you to feel like you're unimportant. I don't want any of those things. In fact, I want the opposite. You, you know, and so I've learned to and I'm still learning. But I'm learning to, instead of presenting a case, you know, saying well, here's why to meet her where she's at and not be mr logical, but to try to really meet her in an emotional place and let her know that it's safe. Your feelings are valid and you're safe here to express those feelings to me, and I don't want to trample on that.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I was really bad at trampling on that you know. So defending my kids, defending my defensiveness of my kids, and and all of those things, they don't work.
Speaker 3:Bobby, I've not been in a blended family, but looking from the outside in, it feels like the way you're describing this, that the greater benefit of getting on the same page with your spouse is the first hurdle to accomplishing a successful blended family. It doesn't really sound one-sided towards the children. It feels more like a unity in regards to the new spouses getting on the same page, loving each other, serving each other well first, and then, as a result of that, you can co-parent in a blended family.
Speaker 2:Can I throw an elephant in the room out there that I know? Guys are listening and going, okay, and there's actually guys listening that have never had this experience of blended families and I praise God for that. It's not something I'd wish anybody to actually go through. But there's guys listening right now that are like on the cusp where you were three, four years ago, yeah, and listening right now that are like on the cusp where you were three, four years ago, and so my question to you would be, like the elephant in the room is that sounds really great, like, yeah, do that in blended families. Why didn't you just do that before? Right, and so I did hear what you said about I can only control what I can control. There's two parties in a relationship.
Speaker 2:Can you walk back? I know it's really hard, man. You've done a really good job, bobby, and I'm proud of you, by the way, like the steps you're taking, the changes you're making, being intentional about your life, like God's using that for his glory in your life, in your kids' lives, in your new family, and there's things we haven't even talked about today that I know that you've shared in other settings, where I'm like dang. That's only something God could do. So I praise God for all of that.
Speaker 2:And it's hard to go back. I know it's hard to go back, but go back with go back with our audience. If you will just a little bit Go back to like that, that stage that you're at, where there's guys listening right now that are like man, like life's really hard in my marriage I'm not talking about hard as in, like you know we had a couple of fights but like there's this drawn out thing, they've gotten counseling. There's like maybe there's not, you know, alignment spiritually. I don't know where you guys were when you were in your, you know, first marriage and all that, but you're right at that point. Maybe you made some mistakes in that, maybe you did everything exactly like you should have, but can you speak into that at all for those guys that are right there at that point where they've got to make a decision and they're feeling it like today?
Speaker 1:Yeah, certainly been there. Mine was. Took years, mine took the span of about five years to get there.
Speaker 2:How many years were you married in your first marriage?
Speaker 1:Seven, eight, okay, all right, but but it was, it started from the very beginning. It was, you know, we be believers when you got married I've been one since I was, you know, young enough to remember okay, um, her family was catholic, but and I have my opinion on, you know, saved, not saved. I mean I just uh, we don't get into that, but uh, there was a long span of toxicity that was, uh, that went unaddressed, and it wasn't toxicity on.
Speaker 2:You're just trying to do it on your own, the two of you.
Speaker 1:Well, at one point I had you know, multiple times, I think I said you know, you need to speak to somebody, you know, and we need to counsel with someone, get a counselor or whatever. And that was always met with rejection, unwillingness. It wasn't, in fact. The comment was I don't need to go talk to somebody so they can tell me. I'm crazy, you know. So you know, that was my particular situation.
Speaker 1:Everybody's situation is going to be different, but my particular situation was I was in a situation where I knew there was problem but half of the relationship wasn't willing to look at it, wasn't willing to admit that there was an issue and seek help, you know, and because of that refusal to to do some inside work, it was causing a lot of problems inside the four walls and my kids were having to see it. And as a you know, as a parent, you know, as a dad especially, I just felt like the most important thing that I have to do right now is I have to protect my kids. I have to protect my kids, and that's where my mind went. Can I ask you a really hard question? 50% a piece.
Speaker 2:Can I ask you a really hard question about that? Yeah, let me ask you a really hard question percent apiece. It's really hard question about that. Yeah, let me ask you a really hard question. Was that in any way, shape or form, an excuse for you to leave? Was there any any part of that thought of like I got to do this to protect my kid? I'm not saying that wasn't true. I'm not saying that's not true A hundred percent. I agree that's true. But was there some of that where you're like I, like I shouldn't say excuse? That sounds terrible, but I don't know how to pose that question.
Speaker 3:I guess Were you looking for a way out anyway, yeah.
Speaker 1:I was never looking for a way out. I just got to a place where I knew where I was at wasn't working, and then I had to make a decision. I mean that was all there was to it. I mean it was just I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in and there's no help. This isn't working, you know, and I can't continue on this track if things don't change, because it's not good for anyone. And so it was, and that's just the way it worked, you know it was. It was just, I just got to a place where I just knew where I was at wasn't working, and I knew that to change things I was going to have to change things, and the things that I had to change were the hard thing. You know it was very hard decisions were the hard thing.
Speaker 2:You know it was very hard decisions. Um, so you didn't say, like you, you didn't really feel, by that point probably, that you I know a lot of guys that a number of guys can say a lot that's so arbitrary. A number of guys that I've spoken with you know over the years there's like this point where they like, just they want to give up, like I know you.
Speaker 2:You came to some point of giving up, right, but it sounds like you actually worked through that and you were actually making a decision. Your decision was different. It wasn't about giving up as it was. You mentioned that you were going to make a change, for you know what you believe was the health protection.
Speaker 1:There's a saying if you want to change some things in your life, you have to say you have to change some things in your life, and that's where I was at right. That could be a country song, bobby, you should, uh, do you play the?
Speaker 2:guitar yeah, a little bit he does. He does play bobby.
Speaker 3:I'm going to ask another question is the reason we do the forge and the reason we mask the people that come in here, so that there's a genuine, authentic, transparent, very vulnerable spot, and so that's the reason we do these episodes. I want to ask you another hard question. You may or may not want to answer, but some other people out there may be confronted with this same situation today, may be confronted with this same situation today. How much of a variable was another person in this decision for either of you?
Speaker 1:for you or for your ex-spouse? How much was another person a variable? For me it wasn't.
Speaker 3:Because it could make it a lot easier to make the decision if there were.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure, sure, sure, uh, it was for me. We there started being it. You know, we got married in 2011 and we started having some issues in 2012.
Speaker 1:Uh, serious serious anger issues not on my part, just off the chain out of the blue anger, you know, and and I personally believe a lot of that had to do with her childhood Um, there's a lot of, there's a lot of things. Uh, she came from a pretty high, strong family, um, where there were some conflict, a good bit of conflict, and I think you know you end up becoming what you're around, you know. It's just what you know. So, um, that, that was so it was. It was an issue for a lot of years, you know, and it's still an issue.
Speaker 1:I mean it's still dealing with it.
Speaker 1:You know, it's been uh, 2018 to now, so six years, and and I'm, and I'm the, I'm the. I try to be the absolute best co-parent on the planet. You know, through our text messages, I don't ever, I don't, I don't get into disputes. I don't, uh, I don't, I don't use profanity in our text messages. Um, I'm as uh, as level-headed as I can possibly be, but you can read through my text messages that I get and it's just anger, so much anger, and it's never been addressed. And that was the. You know, that was. That was the thing for me. I didn't, you know, I, I never wanted to live like that. I'm not like that. I'm a real laid back. So let's go back.
Speaker 3:Let's go back, bobby. What would you do, what safeguards would you put in place, if you could have a do over? Let's just say let's go back 10 or 12 years. What is some suggestions to the audience that's listening today? Man, you really need to do X. What are some of those things that you would put into place if you could go over and do it over again?
Speaker 2:Not even get there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:That's a good question.
Speaker 1:Tarot cards, not your ball Psychiatric test.
Speaker 3:There you go, there you go. Would you implement counseling sooner? Would you suggest to people that are listening, Robin and I have been going to a guy here in Nashville for 20 or 30 years on a you know as need basis and periodically I go Like would you recommend that sooner, just to kind of get a checkup and meeting with a third person.
Speaker 1:You know, I think I would recommend, I would recommend counseling, probably from day one, you know in a situation.
Speaker 3:It's hard enough when things are good, much less when they're bad right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you know, if you can avoid the bad caused by poor decision-making, caused by a lack of understanding of what works and what doesn't, I mean, if you're, if you're working on a, if you need a wrench and all you have is a hammer, you're not going to get anywhere, right?
Speaker 2:That's true.
Speaker 1:So as men and I can only speak to the men side of things but as men we're given a certain set of tools and we try to use those tools on our relationships with someone who those tools don't work with. They just don't work, and that's kind of what I'm going through. Learning now, at 49 years old, is that, you know, I wish if I could go back. I wish I could go back and understand these things at the beginning of relationships, versus getting to a place where you're hitting a brick wall and having to go Because, see, what happens is, once you get to that place and you hit a brick wall or you start having problems, there's already damage that has gotten.
Speaker 1:There's been damage done to that point that you can't erase. It's like crumbling up a piece of paper and then straightening it out. You're still going to see the creases. That paper is not perfectly straight anymore and you may get your relationship to a place where it looks kind of straight, where everything looks good, but those creases are still there and they don't go away and they come up. The things that you did wrong when you didn't know you were doing wrong, those things come up when you have a heated situation, come up in a really good relationship.
Speaker 1:The past will still come up, so Bobby, let me ask you a question.
Speaker 3:You've mentioned two or three times during the course of this conversation your group, Iron Sharpens Iron. This sounds a little bit self-serving and I don't mean for it to, but would you recommend other men out there get into some organization, some accountability group, some mastermind, get in a peer advisory group, Would you? Has that been beneficial, Because you've done it for years now Speak to that just for a minute and the value that it added to your life and how it could be different for others.
Speaker 1:For me it totally changed the game, because I was at a brick wall in every area of my life pretty much, and, uh, I didn't have anybody to turn to. Joining ISI gave me, uh, an outlet. And here's the thing about ISI, or organizations like ISI you're surrounding yourself with, with, uh, people who want to be better, who want more in life. They're wanting to raise, step up, go up another level and they say a rising tide raises all ships. What's happened in my life is I surrounded myself by a bunch of men who were, uh, primarily Christian based men, um, that were either business owners, uh, successful, uh, professionals, uh whatever, and and these and the and. It was a group of men that were all striving to be a better version of themselves than they were yesterday.
Speaker 1:So a lot of what I've gone through and where I'm at today, and even where I'm going, is 100% traceable back to my involvement with ISI, the relationships that I've been able to form with men who have been through what I've been through, um, who counseled me through tough decisions, uh, you know, and have helped me to get to a place, not financially, but here in my head. Space between my, between my, you know, the six inches between my ears. That's where it all starts and you find yourself in a tough spot and you don't know the answers. You need to have somebody that can point you in the right direction, kind of show you that you know the yellow brick road, if you would, that you need to take to find yourself out of the woods back into the sun. You know where the clouds have parted and things are getting better.
Speaker 1:So I was lost. I was in the deepest part of the woods that somebody could be in Lost, you know just on a daily basis. Like you said, I didn't know what I was going to do on a daily basis. Like you said, I didn't know what I was going to do on a daily basis. You know, when my kids would leave to go to their mom's uh place, I would turn disney jr on on the tv and leave it on until they got back home, because I couldn't deal with the silence of them not being in my house. It was too quiet, so it made me feel like they were home by just hearing those cartoons running 24 hours a day until they got back to daddy's house and then I was good.
Speaker 1:So that's a lot of tough times. Then I was good, you know. So that there was a lot. You know that's a lot of tough times that I went through, but I was on a call once a week with 10 other men, including yourself, who were helping me navigate. That, you know. I mean I was in a real tough spot emotionally. Finances were tight, you know, my industry got hit pretty hard with COVID and so, man, I just I look back now and, like you said, hindsight's 20-20. I look back now and there's two.
Speaker 1:I don't know how I would have gotten through all that had it not been for three things God, my current wife, because she's an angel and she loved me through all the nooks and valleys that I was going through. She loved me through it and stuck by my side. And the third thing was ISI, for all the men that I've been able to reach out to and get advice from, and that advice was everything that you know has a place in my life, business, my children. We've been through some tough stuff with one of my kids, you know, and they've been there every step of the way. They've become family. That's what it's become.
Speaker 1:It's like they're my family. They text me. Hey, how's your kids, how's this one doing? You know, have you guys gotten that figured out? That situation? You know, that's I don't have. Have my family doesn't text me. The only people that, the only people that reach out to me are my isi brothers well, who cares?
Speaker 1:powerful and they care because they chose to care. They care because they're part of an organization that they're all. They're all men who have more to give, and so that's why they're part of the organization. They're not just there to take. Most of these guys give. They give everything they got just to see you, just to see you be in a better spot.
Speaker 3:You're always going to be confronted with situations as we go through life. It's called doing life and so you've gone through a tough season in your life and you've got those unbiased, trusted advisors around you weekly, communicating with them daily. It's going to help you through future challenges. As we end today, I want to say just a couple of things, bobby. First of all, I want you to know how proud I am of you and the accomplishment that you've been able to get in the success in your own life. It's been amazing to watch your journey to go from where you were at. You did the reps, you did the hard work and now you're getting the result of it. So congratulations on that.
Speaker 3:I want to make it crystal clear, also to the audience, that Wally and I's heart is for the men that are out there that are going through these difficult situations right there today. We want to be of service to you. We want to help you, we want to walk with you through these journeys and so feel the freedom to reach out and share with us. If you're up against the wall right now and you need some assistance and you need some encouragement, like Bobby has been able to get, we want to be that resource for you. There's two other resources that I want to mention also.
Speaker 3:Gary Chapman did a great job with two books. One of them is called Building Love Together in Blended Families. So, if you get an opportunity, he co-authored that book, but one that is a classic that he wrote years ago, maybe decades ago now. It's called the Five Love Languages, and I want to encourage you to order those two books right now so that you can work through the difficulties in your own life, because we don't want you to have to go through these challenges, but if you do, we want you to know that there's support for you today. So, just to recap, keep your head up right, be encouraged, know that there's a path that you can take to get you back in a good spot. Bobby, I want to thank you, man. What a blessing you've been today to everyone that's listening to this Forge episode. I know it's been an encouragement to me. I'm sure it has to Wally, as well, and I'm sure it will to many others down the road.
Speaker 3:So, man, thank you. We appreciate it. So grateful to have you today.
Speaker 1:I appreciate y'all having me and I hope that some of the things that I've been through and the mistakes that I've made hopefully some guys out there that may be going through similar situations aren't like me, aren't hard-headed. Don't learn from their mistakes. Learn from mine.
Speaker 3:Learn on somebody else's dime, not your own. That's a good word. Thank you a lot, Bobby. Appreciate you having me today, buddy.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir, y'all have a good day.
Speaker 3:Wow, wally, I don't know about you, man, but Bobby was pretty transparent. I mean, I didn't really expect that in the initial stages but knowing his personality, knowing his disposition and his heart for other people, I'm not surprised by what he offered and started thinking back about, kind of his journey and the things that he went through and obviously you know we weren't there on his journey and the things that he went through, and obviously you know we weren't there on his journey from the beginning. He kind of came to us and said, hey, I need help at this point. So I want to make it crystal clear that View From the Top is an organization that we're not condoning anything. We're not in support of anything that some people would consider. We're not saying go get a divorce if that's not working out for you, because we want you to stay married. We feel like it's a godly principle that we want you to stay married.
Speaker 3:But if things don't work out, we want to be a resource to help people kind of put their life back together again.
Speaker 3:We want to be able to help and support and encourage, and it's not about condemnation or being judgmental, it's about helping people where they find themselves, and so that's exactly what we've done with Bobby is to try to help him put his life back together again and get back on a good path. But I want you to take some of the things that he said today to heart. I want you to really think through. Am I looking for an excuse to get out, or would you be better served to do the reps and the hard work and stay where you're at? You've really got to get counsel, get people around you, really do the hard things to make a great decision for you and for your family. But I want to thank you today for listening. Please take all these resources that we've given you so that you too can go out there and have the view from the top that we, each and every week, try to help provide for you to have for you and your family.
Speaker 2:Hey, thanks so much for listening again today. It was good to have Bobby on, like Big A said, good to be a part of that, his journey, to be able to listen in and share. Hey, I just want to let everybody know the best way to connect with us. People ask us hey, how can I connect with you guys? One of the easiest ways if you go to viewfromthetopcom slash group that's viewfromthetopcom slash group you'll be redirect, directed over to a LinkedIn, a private LinkedIn group just for Christian business owners, entrepreneurs and professionals, and we love to connect with you there.
Speaker 2:We carry on some of the conversations we're having in here, dive a little deeper and also it's a great place. I think there's well over. I don't know if we're pushing 300 or whatever, but there's a number of guys in there that you would align with. So I'd encourage you to go over there, get connected. That's vfromthetopcom slash group and you can just apply to join in there and we'll let you in as long as you pass the sniff test and can carry on some of these conversations. So we hope to see you there and we'll see you next week.