Menopause Dialogue: The Conversation You Didn't Know You Needed

Is there a roadmap to navigate through menopause and perimenopause? How can we address the changes and challenges that come with this phase of life? Let's embark on this journey together, as we have an open and honest conversation about our experience with menopause, its impact on our relationship, and how we embrace this part of our lives and  see it as an opportunity to grow as individuals and as a couple. 

Emphasizing the need to be your own advocate, we share our experiences and stress the importance of seeking medical advice and having candid conversations with your partner. We discuss the libido changes that can start as early as 35, and how a lack of knowledge can sometimes result in misunderstanding and lead to potential relationship issues. Yet, with open and honest communication, we all can better navigate these life changes. 

Lastly, we delve into the power of sharing, support, and connection when coping with menopause. Imagine having a friend to discuss these changes with, aiding in understanding and finding solutions that work specifically for you. Let's join this conversation, and together we can navigate midlife changes. Resources and ways to reach out to us for support are also shared, as we believe in the power of connection and community. Let's face it, these changes aren't always easy, but together, we can make the journey smoother. Tune in, and let's learn from each other.

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Feel free to contact us with any questions/comments you may have about this episode via email at Joe@thelovementors.com or Natalie@thelovementors.com.

You can also send us a DM and follow us on Instagram @the.lovementors or reach out in our Facebook Group - Manifesting Love in Midlife. We can also be found on YouTube - @JoeandNat.

We always love to hear from you! Be Blessed!

Transcript

Joe: 0:02

This is Joe.

Nat: 0:03

And this is Nat and you're listening to the Getting Better With Age podcast to show that helps you navigate midlife challenges and turn them into opportunities to grow and evolve into a happier, healthier and more empowered you.

Joe: 0:15

And remember, getting older doesn't mean that the best years have to be behind you. We believe, like a fine wine, you and your life can get better with age, and we're here to show you exactly how to do that.

Nat: 0:26

So grab a glass of vino, kick off your shoes and join us in discovering how to make the next chapter of your life the best one yet.

Joe: 0:36

Hello everyone. It's Joe and it's Nat, and welcome back to another episode of Getting Better With Age. With age, my wife is making fun of me because we just did a take and I said what?

Nat: 0:45

Getting Better For Age. Getting Better For Age? Yeah, I was having some brain. Come on, I'm gonna make it a blooper.

Joe: 0:49

Right, I was having some brain flatulence right there. But let me tell you how this episode came about. Yesterday I was on a call with one of our clients and she's in her mid-50s and she's dating this guy and the guy's great in every way and she's just like you know what? I just I don't know if I have this desire to be intimate with him. And I'm like, okay. And she's like is something wrong with me? And I'm like, okay.

Joe: 1:16

And then, you know, you always ask questions to explore and get to the truth, because sometimes it's a matter of, hey, I'm just not attracted to the guy. And she's like, no, we have fun in this and that. She's like, but you know, I'm just not feeling that drive, I'm not feeling that pull. And I'm like, okay, well, has it always been like this for you? And I'm like, well, what about you know this guy that she did in her past? She's like, oh, no, she's like we had a great sex life. She's like, you know, I want it all the time.

Joe: 1:38

I'm like, well, how old are you back then? She's like like 20. I'm like, well, a lot's changed. And I know you know, in talking to my wife here, who's gonna have some input on this is that it's very common at this stage to go through changes and to experience a drop in the libido, and not only that, the physiological changes, and so if you don't understand that and understand what's going on, it can affect your life and it caused you to make, you know, a bad choice of decision. Like you know, thank God, we were on the phone yesterday because she could have walked away from a great guy thinking that it's him when it could be just her. Body's going through changes and now we have to get to the truth of what's really going on. So that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about, as David Bowie says, changes.

Nat: 2:25

Now, first of all, I want to put this out there, that we are not experts in this field.

Joe: 2:30

Well, I don't know. I think I'm an expert. Hello, no.

Nat: 2:36

I'm talking in the field of changes.

Joe: 2:38

Oh okay, yes, no, I am not an expert on that.

Nat: 2:42

That word called menopause. So because it's all incorporated, so it's all related, everything we're going to talk about. So we are not experts, we're not here to give any kind of advice. I'm just sharing my experience and my journey and our journey with this. So, yeah, and I did that, say that that's a great disclaimer.

Joe: 3:02

I put it at the bottom because what we do is we just want to start a dialogue on this right and start the conversation going in, and our goal, hopefully, is to bring someone in who isn't an expert. But there are so many individuals, like the woman I was speaking to yesterday, who, like had no idea and started to question and doubt herself and second guess and really go down that road where we start overthinking, overanalyzing, questioning our judgment and sometimes making bad choices, decisions without having all of the information. And that's what we want to do today is just start this conversation rolling, start the dialogue so that you can start finding answers and truth, and we'll do whatever we can to support you on that journey.

Nat: 3:40

Right, and probably the past year, I've been really diving deep into this, because it's been affecting my life, and I feel like it's something that's not spoken about. Very often, though, I found people who are speaking about it and who are putting it out there and who are advocating for women, and what's really sad is that there are still women my age who, where it still falls on deaf ears, they're complaining about this and that and this and that. I'm like hello, this is menopause, perimenopause, menopause, whatever, and, from what I've learned, it can start as early as 35.

Nat: 4:17

So there, it's not just those 50 somethings, but the sad part is it falls on deaf ears and it gets ignored and listen, that's their journey and I'm not gonna force somebody to listen to something that they don't wanna listen to, but this is real and this is happening and we need to face it and we need to talk about it. And a big thing, as Joe said before is is libido, and yes, it does affect libido First of all. So women need to understand this. There's nothing wrong with you. Number two men need to understand this because they need to be gentle and communicative and understanding of their wives, partners, girlfriends, whatever, because this is serious.

Joe: 4:56

Ooh, I like this. I love you. Go girl. I'm just gonna sit here for the next 20 minutes. You go girl. You might have some great sex after this.

Joe: 5:07

But again, I love that you're bringing this to the attention and this obviously is an area you're very passionate about and it has been something that has come up and we try to be very transparent on this.

Joe: 5:16

But the key is being able to understand and communicate, because I know in our journey, like I'm not a woman, I don't go through those changes. Yes, I can support you and love you and be there by your side, but if you don't understand what's going on, I think it starts with that you understanding what's going on and then enlightening us, because us guys we're not out there looking for solutions on menopause and to understand, because we're caught up living our lives, so we don't know that we don't know, and so in working together and communicating, you can shine the light to help us understand. Because in the context of a relationship, if you don't understand what's going on, right, and then it starts affecting your intimacy, that will spill over to other areas of your life, and so it's so important to get the information and I love that you shared that because there are a lot of individuals who are going to their gynecologist and to other doctors and saying, well, it's just, you know, that's just the way it is, you're just getting old.

Nat: 6:14

I'm telling you right now if you go to your doctor with your symptoms and they brush it off or they try to give you Xanax or they try to tell you, oh, it's just a part of life, no, it does not have to be, and you find yourself a new doctor, you can reach out to me. I will tell you who to follow, who to look into, because you deserve better.

Joe: 6:37

And again, we've always said you know, one of the things I'm fortunate in my journey is growing up, you know, becoming a chiropractor and learning to question things and not just accept. You know what your doctor says, because your doctor is God versus getting to the truth Like this doesn't make sense. And why is this happening? And is there other stuff going on that maybe my doctor just doesn't realize? Because he went to, or she went to medical school 30 years ago and they haven't been updated on changes and what's going on and they haven't learned the new things that are happening.

Nat: 7:08

First of all, obgyns are not given any education about menopause, or very, very little. They are taught from birth. You know when you start menstruating through childbirth and like that's it. It's like anybody else can just kind of go screw life. But here's the thing, and don't assume that just because it's a woman that she's going to help you, because my female gynecologist, who is my age, does not deal with this. But my male internist listened to me and heard me and is helping me through it.

Joe: 7:44

So those guys aren't that bad after all.

Nat: 7:46

No, no, no, but seriously. So you really need to listen and be smart and not assume.

Joe: 7:51

And I think that's so important in picking any doctor is someone who actually listens to you to understand, and who doesn't just brush you off and give you this blanket excuse like, oh well, you know, you're just getting old, you're going through changes, that's just the way it happens to a lot of women versus OK, does it have to be this way? Are there things I can do? Are there things I can learn? And that's why you have to be your best advocate for your health, for your body, for your life, because people mean well and I think most doctors they go into. I think I truly believe most doctors go into the healing profession because they wanna help people and they wanna make a difference. But they're only taught what they're taught and they believe very often that what they taught is the gospel and very often that they're not open to looking and seeing things in a different way.

Joe: 8:42

I know, growing up and being a doctor and with a lot of chiropractic philosophy, some of it was wonderful but some of it was kind of like brainwashing and in the beginning it didn't cause me to be open to seeing other things and that could be very dangerous when we come across like we know everything or the doctor knows everything, and that pisses me off. When you get a doctor, it's like well, what medical school do you go to? Well, I'm the doctor, I know better. No, you may have a lot of information, you may have a lot of, but that doesn't mean that you're God. Okay, give me your input. Let's have an open, honest, dialogue, conversation and let's get to the truth of what's really going on here. Those are the good doctors, those are the ones you keep on your side. But to kind of circle back around, so let's talk about when it started for you, like when did you start to notice the changes in your libido, in your desires, in anything else?

Nat: 9:41

Joel saved about 20 years ago. Not only kidding.

Joe: 9:43

It was then on the weekends.

Nat: 9:46

Well, listen, you know when the kids were little and life happened. You're literally tired and I think people can understand that. But he also did too. But as far as you know, now the kids are older and that's not the issue. Life still gets crazy and you still get tired. But it's kind of easier to make your partner a priority when there's not that responsibility of little kids. So I don't know. I'm going to say maybe probably the last couple of years when I started feeling my menopausal symptoms, like the hot flashes and the weight gain and weight not coming off like it used to and so many other things, and what I've learned is there's so many symptoms that you don't even realize are part of menopause. I was like itchy all the time. My back was always itchy. I'm like this is ridiculous. I thought it was just dry skin. No, because when you're in menopause, a lot of things dry out not just the thing you think of.

Joe: 10:50

We won't discuss what that is.

Nat: 10:53

Anyway, so yeah, but still itchy ears, itchy ears. Oh my God, the other day I was itchy, I was going crazy with my ears, remember?

Nat: 11:00

I'm like it's itchy ears, anyway. So insomnia is a big one which plays into the libido thing, cause if you're not sleeping at night and you're exhausted, yeah that's gonna become an issue too. And then there's, like I said, about things becoming quote unquote dry. That's what happened. Then it becomes very painful. But there are so many things you can do, but you just have to talk to the right professional to help you through it.

Joe: 11:25

And I think you know, from the male perspective, it all comes down to communication. Like in the beginning we didn't know, like, what was going on, and because the communication, for whatever reason, wasn't as good as it could have been, we weren't talking about it, we weren't addressing it. It was kind of like, you know, well, maybe it'll go away or this is just how, it is, just a phase, right. But then looking back, going okay, well, it could have been even better if we were having an open, honest dialogue and communication. Cause you know, when you're in a relationship and you both love each other, it's like, how do we get through this? Like that's really the attitude that both people, I believe, bring to this table. So, even if you're not in a relationship now, you will be soon, hopefully, right. So if this is going on, you've got to be able to communicate. That Cause, if you're going into a relationship where, hey, this is a trouble, you don't have that desire and you're with their guy and you're not communicating, it's not that I don't want to have this desire Just right now. Physiologically I just don't. My body isn't producing the hormones and everything else that goes along with it, so I'm just kind of. You know it's not really big top on my priority list, and if you're not communicating that and you're not saying, but you know, I want to be on the same page and you know you're going to be a partner and I want to make sure that you're happy and you're getting what you need, cause the way I see it in a relationship and today we're talking about multiple changes but just as far as the intimacy department it's about that's a piece of the puzzle. It's like an ingredient, right, if you're making, you know, lasagna, it's. You know sauce is one of the ingredients, but it's not the only ingredient. You need all those other things that make the dish turn out to be great. And so in a healthy relationship, you know physical and emotional intimacy, or just a piece of the puzzle, but it's not the only piece.

Joe: 13:13

And I know women think you know that's that's guys, that's all we care about is, you know, is sex and getting laid, and it's like, no, it's not all we care about, it's all part of what we care about, but it's not the only thing. But, as being able to communicate and get on the same page and have these tough conversations, I think one of the things that we're getting better at even now 20 something years is being able to have the tough conversations and not ignoring things. So that used to be the big thing in the past is that you wouldn't talk about it right, and you would ignore it and I'm like, well, wait a minute, we're not talking about it, we're not having a conversation and we're just not on the same page, and that became an issue that I'll be able to work through. So you know as much as we say in all the other part, it's learning how to communicate and how and be vulnerable in a healthy way with the right person.

Nat: 14:04

Right, and if you're going through something like that, it's important that you do talk to your partner and let them know that it's not them. I mean if you know that you're in a good, loving relationship. I mean, if you're having problems in your relationship, that's a different story, because it could be that you just don't want anymore.

Joe: 14:19

Yeah, I mean, if the guy's an asshole and it's like you know what it's all about you you're selfish, you want me to give it up, go scratch. I mean, that's a completely different story. But if you're in a relationship where you're on the same page, like with this woman I was talking about, we're getting along. She was going through some challenges, he was there for her, he's loving her, he's supporting her. It's just that, you know, I don't have that drive, so maybe there's something wrong with me or you know what. He's not the right guy for me, or no, he could be the right guy. It's just your body, your libido, your physiological changes are preventing you from being in that place. But that doesn't mean that you can't get there.

Nat: 14:56

Right, and it does happen and it's a real thing and it's not in your head. It is not in your head and you are not broken, and I'm saying that phrase, I'm stealing it right now, only because there's this woman that may follow on Instagram, who's so knowledgeable in this area. She's a urologist, and this is what she talks about.

Joe: 15:19

What's her name I'm going to tell you. Oh, okay, I just want to make sure that I just want to make those who are listening going okay, here's someone that you go listen to Her name is Dr Kelly Casperson, c-a-s-p-e-r-s-o-n, and I'm not affiliated with her in any way, so you know there's nothing.

Nat: 15:36

But I got her book and I just got it and I'm going to start reading it and it's called you Are Not Broken, because she has so many women coming into her office thinking that they are and they're not. And you know, that's one of the experts that you might want to follow and that's the other thing. You have to be careful with experts on social media.

Nat: 15:55

You really have to do your research, because you don't want to just follow somebody and get their advice and they're like a shister, you know. But, um, a lot of great information and it really will help you see that you are not broken. And one of the things that she talks about and she does did a whole Ted talk on this and I can't remember the name of it, but if you go to her Instagram you'll find it and it's all about how adults need sex education. You don't need it in sixth and seventh grade when they give it to you, but adults need it now. And she, like I said, if go find her, ted talk again. I don't know the name, but you know her name and it's on her Instagram, but it's really eye opening.

Joe: 16:35

I think that's such a valid point because it's funny, we have three boys and they're kind of you know, they're at that age and I was like that when I was 20 and 18. It's like you kind of think you know it all but as you get older you realize shit I don't know anything. So the older I get to realize, the less I really know. But that's part of learning, it's part of growing. So I agree, 100% is because we kind of know it all. But life changes, Like we talked about. That's the purpose of this podcast is is we're going through changes in our lives in every way. But if we understand that and we can embrace those changes and use them as opportunities to grow and to learn to become healthier, happier, more, whatever it may be, that's when we go forward and take those challenges in turn into great learning experiences to make the future better.

Nat: 17:26

Yeah, and just you know, talking about relationships, you don't want to lose out on something that could be really good because you think it's you and you, just you know, not interested in this person or whatever it really could be, like something literally physiological, yeah.

Joe: 17:40

And if you don't know that and you're just told, well, you know, that's just the way it is and you just have to accept it. And I don't believe that. I believe in the universe that says you know what miracles can happen, but you're not going to sit in your ass and miracles going to show up on your door.

Joe: 17:54

Like you know, you're doing your research, you're listening to people, you're deciphering the truth, you're asking questions, you're going to your doctors, you're trying different hormones and supplements to get things balanced. And that's what you got to do. You got to do your work and that's the purpose of today is, again, we want to start this dialogue to help you see things in a different light. As you say, as you're not broken. I don't think any person on this earth is broken. I think, as Pink says, we're not broken, we're just a little bent.

Nat: 18:19

A little bent yeah.

Joe: 18:21

Because, going through this thing called life, we tend to take our dents, but it is going forward and saying, okay, how can I get back to where I want to go? How can I put my focus and energy into getting healthier, getting my drive back, you know, overcoming dryness or whatever it may be, because I believe in a universe that says there is a solution to every challenge. But if you keep focusing on the challenge and you keep talking to people who told you well, that's just the way it is, you just have to accept it. It happens for so many people. Well, just because it's common doesn't mean it's normal and that's you know. One another thing we hope you get from today is understanding that this is common for a lot of individuals and a lot of couples to go through this. But that doesn't mean it's normal, it doesn't mean that it has to stay this way Right.

Nat: 19:06

And here's the thing Like, menopause is a quote unquote normal part of aging. I mean, literally, you're like you're women are born with so many eggs and then, once they're depleted, your estrogen is depleted and that's it, it's done. But there are things you don't have to suffer is what I'm trying to say. You don't have to suffer through these symptoms because it's a normal part of aging.

Joe: 19:31

Right, as you're saying that, there's a great quote. It says pain is mandatory, suffering is optional. Yeah Right, so you're going to go through changes, you're going to experience it, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer. It doesn't mean that you have to stay there. It doesn't mean that there aren't things you can learn to overcome and to make the necessary changes.

Nat: 19:49

Right, just like, for instance, if you break your arm. Like bones break, that's normal. If they bend a certain way, the wrong way, they're going to break, right Right. But that doesn't mean you have to suffer through the pain. I mean you got to get it fixed, you got to go to physical therapy, you got, you know, you don't just leave it. Oh, it's just the bones they break.

Joe: 20:06

Right Legislative.

Nat: 20:07

Yeah, no.

Joe: 20:08

No, it's, it's. And I always say you know, my philosophy is always find the people who are healthy, who are happy, who have great sex. Let's go. What are they doing different? Because I guarantee you, those people had the same challenges. But instead of sitting around bitching and moaning and complaining and making excuses or listening to their best say you know what? No, that doesn't work for me. What do I have to do differently? And then they go find individuals who have overcome those challenges, they've learned from them, they make the challenge and then they succeed too, and I think that that's the key, not just in getting healthier, and overcoming that.

Nat: 20:38

That's the key to life. Don't ignore it. But, if somebody you know, if you're Dealing with something and if you're suffering and somebody gives you advice like just listen, it could help you. Maybe it won't, maybe you will, but just don't ignore it.

Nat: 20:54

Like just try to find answers and listen. Not again, like I said in the beginning, I am no expert. I just know what I've learned over the years and I can help, maybe steer you in the right direction. If you're suffering, I could tell you who to listen to, who to research and but again, I can't give you like medical advice because I'm not an expert. But I can kind of steer you in the in the right direction.

Joe: 21:24

And sometimes that's valuable. It's you need to go to someone who's not that, because they've done their research. They've talked to other people and they said you know what, the things that we've been indoctrinated with isn't necessarily true, and so there is a different and better way. So I love this great topic. I'm glad.

Nat: 21:40

Yes, and I'm sorry. I interrupt. Usually you interrupt me. I lost my train of thought. Now, oh my God, see brain fog is a symptom of menopause.

Joe: 21:51

That's it.

Nat: 21:53

I lost my train of thought. Forget it. I don't know what I was going to say.

Joe: 21:58

Oh.

Nat: 21:58

I do remember it came back. I would like to continue this conversation, and we are working really hard. We are going to work really hard at finding somebody who is an expert in this field, because I think this is an important conversation and it's something that we need to continue. So you know, keep an eye out for that.

Joe: 22:15

Right.

Nat: 22:16

I am committed to finding somebody to come on and speak to us.

Joe: 22:20

Right, and not also for women, but for men too. Oh, absolutely, because, again, this is your relationship partner and you want to understand them, and it's a two-way street. So the more you can understand them, the more they can understand you, and you can dialogue, communicate, get on the same page and then go forward and get better with age.

Nat: 22:36

Yeah, that's the goal here.

Joe: 22:38

That's it. Anything else before I wrap it up.

Nat: 22:40

No, we said a lot today, All right so you know the deal.

Joe: 22:43

If this resonates with you and you know one person that you feel can benefit from it, go ahead and share it with them, make a difference in their life and, if you need, you have any questions or you know, we'll be dialoguing on this more in the future.

Nat: 22:57

But if you want to, know more?

Joe: 22:58

reach out to.

Nat: 22:58

Nat, yeah Well, my all our information, emails and stuff is, you know, in the show description.

Joe: 23:03

So I'll send you like a link to the book or whatever you know, whatever else you ask, Right. Or if you're going through this it's like, hey, I've got a partner and right now he doesn't understand. We're having a challenge with that. You know, we'll reach out to me and I'll give you the mail, perspective and how you can communicate and get on the same page.

Nat: 23:17

Yeah, all right Good.

Joe: 23:18

All right, we love and appreciate it. Go have an amazing week.

Nat: 23:20

All right, take care Bye.