Redefining Happiness: Taming the Beast of Expectations

Congratulations! You've stumbled upon our 50th Getting Better With Age podcast episode - a profound exploration into the labyrinth of life's expectations and the havoc they wreak on our happiness. 

Have you ever stopped to ponder why your unmet expectations often leads you down a path that ultimately leaves you to feel angry, frustrated and upset? 

We did! And the answers we found might just change your whole perspective. 

In this we discuss how expectations, be it from parents, peers, or even the media, subtly shape our behaviors and responses, often causing unnecessary stress and unhappiness.

We help you understand how to manage these expectations, prevent them from controlling your emotions, and get you back on track to being happy, even when life (And people) aren't going your way.

Our conversation doesn't stop there. We delve into the crucial distinction between expectations and standards, revealing how the latter can become your guiding light when expectations fail you. 

You'll learn how to assertively stand in your power and demand the respect you deserve. 

We also discuss the expectations we place on ourselves and those thrust upon us by others, acknowledging the immense pressure they often bring.

More importantly, we offer insights on how to navigate these expectations with grace and compassion, without succumbing to the feelings of inadequacy they often incite.

This episode is more than just a podcast, it's your roadmap to a happier self, one that understands and appreciates the complexities of expectations and knows how to find joy despite them.

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Feel free to contact us with any questions/comments you may have about this episode via email at Joe@thelovementors.com or Natalie@thelovementors.com.

You can also send us a DM and follow us on Instagram @the.lovementors or reach out in our Facebook Group - Manifesting Love in Midlife. We can also be found on YouTube - @JoeandNat.

We always love to hear from you! Be Blessed!

Transcript

Joe Amoia: 0:02

This is Joe.

Natalie Amoia: 0:03

And this is Nat and you're listening to the Getting Better with Age podcast to show that helps you navigate midlife challenges and turn them into opportunities to grow and evolve into a happier, healthier and more empowered you.

Joe Amoia: 0:15

And remember, getting older doesn't mean that the best years have to be behind you. We believe, like a fine wine, you and your life can get better with age, and we're here to show you exactly how to do that.

Natalie Amoia: 0:26

So grab a glass of vino, kick off your shoes and join us in discovering how to make the next chapter of your life the best one yet.

Joe Amoia: 0:36

Hello everyone. It's Joe and it's Nat. Welcome back to another episode of Getting Better with Age.

Natalie Amoia: 0:43

Okay, so this is a really exciting.

Joe Amoia: 0:48

We're laughing because you'll hear go ahead. Why is it exciting, sorry?

Natalie Amoia: 0:55

This is a very exciting episode for us. You know why.

Joe Amoia: 0:58

No, Natalie, why?

Natalie Amoia: 1:00

Because this is our 50th episode. Oh my God, I'm so excited about that.

Joe Amoia: 1:06

Yes, you are very excited. And, just to be a little transparent, we started the podcast, I hit record and I went into this is our fifth and Natalie looked at me like a sad little puppy and I'm like you know, can we start over? I'm like, oh, what did I say? And she's like, can I do that?

Natalie Amoia: 1:22

I just wanted to say it.

Joe Amoia: 1:24

So I don't want to steal her thunder. So there you go.

Natalie Amoia: 1:28

Yeah, well anyway, no, this is very exciting because we're doing this almost a year now and we've stayed consistent and it's just been so much fun, right.

Joe Amoia: 1:40

And who would have known?

Joe Amoia: 1:41

We've still been here and people are still listening. So, for those of you who are listening, I think so. Maybe after this intro you may not, but that's okay. But we are grateful for your presence and for you being here and allowing us to share the things that we've learned and that we're learning on this journey, exactly. So, speaking of learning, today we're going to talk about the number one source of pain and frustration in your life. So, if you're like us, you're at that stage, you're at that midlife stage, maybe a little past, where you're just like you know what. I just want to be happy, right, I just want to. You know, I want to enjoy however many years I have left and hopefully it's long, and I know I've got, you know, 38 more years, because I'm going out at 95.

Natalie Amoia: 2:29

90 or 40. 40 more years.

Joe Amoia: 2:31

Putting it out there to the universe. But you're really at that point where that's what you want. You want happiness, you want joy, you want love, you want peace, you want abundance, you want a life that like really lights you up, but you live in this thing called Earth.

Natalie Amoia: 2:49

The real world you live on.

Joe Amoia: 2:51

this planet called Earth, which is the real world, and there are people, there are family members, there are neighbors, there's news reporters, there's people on social media, which very often makes it difficult, and if you're like most of us, you see things, you hear things and you experience things that take your happiness away. It kind of frustrates you. Well, today we're going to talk about something that can literally take your frustrations away like that. So it literally is the number one source of pain and frustration in your life. So this is something I came up with when I was in college. I was working.

Natalie Amoia: 3:30

I didn't know them.

Joe Amoia: 3:31

Right, and what I realized is that I was constantly getting pissed off at people. And I'm like, why am I always pissed off at people? And I realized very few people actually thought and acted the way I did consistently. And so if somebody didn't think or act the way that I thought they should, I'd get pissed off. And I realized I learned that from my mom. Of all people.

Joe Amoia: 3:56

Right, that's exactly who she is. She's a wonderful person, has a huge heart, but if somebody doesn't adhere to her expectations or live up to her expectations, she immediately goes on this tangent of why they're wrong and why they should do this and how they should know better, and all this. And to this day she still gets pissed off at people. And it's kind of amazing. I'm like you've been on this earth 83 years. You haven't realized that not everybody thinks and acts the way you think they should. Yeah, it'd be a wonderful world if everybody did, but it's not that reality.

Joe Amoia: 4:24

And so we're actually having a conversation with one of our clients the other day where she's like I just don't get it. I don't understand guys. And I'm like why, like people do what people do for their reason, but what's causing you to get upset and to be frustrated is the number one source of pain in your life. So here it is. It's your expectations. If you look at every time you get frustrated, pissed off, angry, upset, depressed, whatever is that, your expectations aren't being met. Whether it's of a person, whether it's of life, whether it's of God, whether it's of your boss, whatever it may be, it's because your expectations aren't being met. Now, before we get into that, let's say how does it apply to your life and you getting upset or being frustrated or angry, in whatever way, how does it apply to your life?

Natalie Amoia: 5:18

Well, what happens is if somebody's not doing something the way I expect it to be done, or the way I would do it, or the way it should be done, it's irritating, it's like I'm just going to do it myself. Even if you're just watching something on TV and something annoys you, it's like, oh my God, I can't believe they just said that. They shouldn't have said that. Or like Joseph before something on social media and it kind of takes away my control, where I kind of spin out of whatever and it's like, oh my God, and then I get so angry and then it ruins my day.

Joe Amoia: 6:09

So has that ever happened to you? On social media, speaking of that, oh, no, never.

Joe Amoia: 6:15

You know it just blows my mind because you know I'm one of those people. I try and stay out of that stuff. And again, the world is going to do what the world's going to do. People are going to do what people are going to do. And I'll hear her and the kids going back did you see this? And look what this person did?

Joe Amoia: 6:27

And it's all like they're getting pissed off because their expectations aren't being met of how that person should live their life or do the things that that person's doing. And I'm like, why are you giving it your energy? And again, I understand, I grew up that way, but it's really about and you kind of hit on it is what we want you to understand is that when you have expectations, one of the two things happens is life or the person lives up to your expectations and you're happy, or they don't, and then you're pissed off, then you're frustrated, then you're angry, then you're upset, then you're in that world and that world just doesn't feel good. Right, and ultimately, isn't that what we want the other day? We want to feel good.

Natalie Amoia: 7:12

We want to be happy, we want to feel good, we want to have joy in our hearts. And expectations do not give you joy in your heart.

Joe Amoia: 7:20

Well, they do. And that person, our life, lives up to those expectations. 50-50. Right. But when it doesn't, that's when we're down that road, we're in that energy. That just doesn't feel good and for me I just got tired of being pissed off all the time, to be honest, and realized people are going to do what people are going to do, life's going to do what life's going to do. But I'm not going to give it my power Not to say that that happens all the time.

Joe Amoia: 7:44

I still have moments, especially in those of you who have kids. You know they quite often don't live up to your expectations, but that's part of the journey of being a parent is realizing, hey, this is your life, it's your journey. We're just here to love and guide you. But to kind of circle back that, if you really look at it, when someone or something doesn't live up to your expectations, you get upset. So if you really think about it, you're giving your power for your happiness to something outside of you or to someone outside of you. And again, when it lines up, you're cool. But when it doesn't, that's when you're on the negativity train.

Joe Amoia: 8:24

But and I know some of you are going but if I don't have any expectations. That means I just sit back and allow people to do whatever they want and I should be happy. I should let life do whatever it wants, I should be happy. No, absolutely not. That's not what we're saying at all. See, there's a difference between having expectations and having standards and lines in the sand. So let me give you an example. So, for me, I don't expect anything from anyone Like that's really my truth, even my wife but I have standards and lines in the sand on what I will tolerate and what I will accept from other people. So to go back to expectations, and we'll use Natalie if Natalie didn't live up to an expectation, then I would get pissed off, I would get angry, I'd get frustrated and I'd go down and I wouldn't feel good. I usually react from that energetic space which usually wouldn't be a good place, and I've done that quite honestly.

Natalie Amoia: 9:21

Oh no, no because I always do things the right way.

Joe Amoia: 9:25

Yes, that's it. I hope Homer speaks fluke Doctor Natalie. But when you have lines in the sands and you have standards and that person crosses them, then you get to decide. See, that's where you take the power back. And if it's somebody you love, you sit and go have a conversation and say, hey, when you did that, this is how I felt, or this is what it was like for me, or why did you do that, and you just simply have a conversation. And if it's somebody that you know doesn't respect you or doesn't care about you, then you get to decide what you want to do, which is, like you know, just, either if you want to stand up for yourself, you want to walk away, you want to tell them to go scratch, whatever it may be Right. So let's use an example.

Joe Amoia: 10:06

This has happened for everybody. You're on the phone with someone, or maybe you're at a, like the Verizon store, and it's clear the person isn't respecting you, right, and they're trying to manipulate you. They're not listening to you, you have a problem and they're not solving it, and you get pissed off because they're not living up to your expectations, they're not treating you with respect, they're not actually listening to what you have to say and you just feel energetically that they really don't care about you, right, and that kind of sets you off. Now, in that moment, instead of getting pissed off and angry and blaming them they're an idiot or this or that when you have lines and standards, lines in the sand and standards is like wait a minute, you know what. That's not how I want to be treated and if that's the way you're going to treat me, this is what I'm going to do and you can stand up for yourself.

Joe Amoia: 10:57

You can tell them, you know what F off. You can tell them, you know, cut to shit, whatever it may be. So you can still be strong, you can still be passionate, you can still get angry when you have lines in the sand, but you're doing it because that's what you want to do. That's what makes you feel good. Sometimes, I know for me, when I stand up for myself and I defend myself, I feel really good. Yes, like there's a power in love and I think that's part of self. Love is actually standing up for yourself, respecting and loving yourself enough to say you know what? I will not tolerate your bullshit. And that's what we hope. That you can get from this today is to really understand that really these expectations and your judgments of others are really the biggest source of pain in your life.

Natalie Amoia: 11:47

Yeah, and what I was going to say was and Joe kind of said, it is like you have to do it from a place of power, not from a place of fear or worry or what that person's going to think. It's like you want to control your own fate, you want to control your own happiness, you want to control your own life, and if you're giving that away to somebody else, that's just not going to work.

Joe Amoia: 12:10

Yeah, and we see this all the time because a lot of women we work with are in the dating world and they're constantly getting frustrated by things men do and we've all been on this earth. There's a lot of crappy things that some guys do or a lot of guys do. But when you label or generalize and expect all men to be like that, it doesn't serve you and it doesn't make you feel good. And I'm a big believer in energy and if you put your focus and energy on all the bad ones, that's what you're going to keep seeing and experiencing. It's like there's an expression where your focus goes, your energy grows. So if you give your focus to the ones that are bad, that sock, that only care about getting laid well, you know what. You're going to see more of those and then you're going to attract more people into your life.

Joe Amoia: 13:00

The women who go oh yeah, you know men suck. Yeah, for me too. Oh yeah, this guy blew you off. He went ghost. Yeah, that happened to me and it's amazing how it's like a wildfire, it just spreads and everybody's on what I call the BMC train, which is the bitch and moan train, and it's like that's not an energy you want to be in and to me again, as simple as this sound life comes down to feeling good, being happy, and when you have expectations of others, very often they're going to live up to it and that's going to be a big source of unhappiness in your life. But I also want to touch on having expectations of yourself. I see this happen all the time and I'm guilty of it as well, but how does that apply to you in your life having expectations of yourself and do you live up to them? What happens when you don't? What happens when you do?

Natalie Amoia: 14:03

Well, there are many times when I haven't lived up to my expectations and then I feel like I let myself down. You know the feeling of when somebody doesn't do something the way you expect and you feel they let you down. Well, the feeling of letting myself down is even worse and it's like all right. You kind of go through like all right, why didn't I do this? And it's just like a cycle and it gets a little crazy. But I think you just have to really Give yourself grace and give yourself permission. As Joe says, give yourself permission to suck, and it kind of makes it easier.

Joe Amoia: 14:51

No, I love that you said that, because I think if we get real, most of us are harder on ourselves, right? Because we have these expectations, and you know we can talk about where that comes from. 99% of the time it comes from our childhood of feeling we have to be perfect, we have to do things a certain way, we have to look a certain way, we have to get certain grades, we have to cross our legs when we're sitting, and you know it's. You know, as I'm sharing this, something's come up and yet talks about my mother and expectations. I grew up where my mother had this expectation that if a woman drank beer out of a bottle, she was. In Italian they call putan.

Natalie Amoia: 15:30

Oh, she would have hated me in the 90s.

Joe Amoia: 15:34

And you know, for those of you who don't know what that is, it's kind of like a prostitute. You know, I guess this is the politically correct way of saying that, but you know, and she still thinks that way today. Oh, it's just, it's no class and you know it's so slutty and all this other stuff. And I was indoctrinated with that expectation at first. But then, you know, when I was in college and you know, my friends, and some of them who were female, go out drinking. At first I'm like, oh, you know why you drink. And then I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know this person. She's a wonderful person, she's got a good heart, she's a great friend, but she drinks beer out of a bottle, and I do, as a guy.

Natalie Amoia: 16:15

It's always better for the bottle.

Joe Amoia: 16:16

It's okay for me, but it's not okay for her and like, this life is about getting to your truth and it's really looking at these expectations and going, okay, are they really mine and do they resonate and are they true or are they somebody else's? And I think that you know to circle back around our expectations of ourselves. I think these expectations of ourselves are things that we've taken on, yeah, without really looking at does this expectation serve me? You know, I remember, I guess about two years ago, with our middle guy. He was in college and you know he's the really smart one, you know the the honor students and you know, get great grades Totally responsible.

Natalie Amoia: 16:59

He wasn't in college two years ago, right, he was still in high school. Okay, so I stand corrected.

Joe Amoia: 17:05

But basically he was really stressed out because he was in all these honors programs and and he was going to all these classes and all this other stuff and he was just like totally stressed out about it and I'm like do what happened, like what's going on?

Joe Amoia: 17:20

He said I got this and I got that and I got to do this and I got to get to. And I'm like, who says you have to get these grades Right? If getting straight A's and being honors and AP class is going to put this much stress on you and your life? I don't want. I'd rather you get a B.

Natalie Amoia: 17:36

And be happy yeah.

Joe Amoia: 17:38

You know, but again, the expectations I think that are put on these kids today, yeah, I see so much of that. Whether it's school, whether it's sports. You know, I can't tell you how many times I sit at a sporting event and I see a parent yelling at their kid and screaming at them and it's like and if they're doing that in public, like what the hell are they doing behind closed doors?

Natalie Amoia: 18:05

That's another story for another day, yeah, but.

Joe Amoia: 18:07

I think you know again, the stress of expectations from our parents, from ourselves, I think is one of the reasons we have such an epidemic of mental illness.

Natalie Amoia: 18:18

Yeah.

Joe Amoia: 18:19

Today is because these people are living these lives that are just unachievable. Yeah, and you know it's, it's again. I'm all for standards lines in the sand. If you want to push yourself to be better, to grow, to get great grades, and you're doing it and it and it inspires you and it lights you up, that's awesome. But if you're doing it because you have this unrealistic expectation that if you don't live up to a certain thing or you don't do this, you can't be a success or you can't be attractive or you can't be, whatever it may be, then it becomes unhealthy, those expectations become unhealthy, and very often it's a source of a person's unhappiness, and so that's really why we kind of want to share this today.

Natalie Amoia: 19:06

Yeah, I think what's important too is when I was saying before about when I don't live up to my own expectations and about giving yourself grace. I think we also have to look at that from the other side, because it's like you know, a person does something that you didn't expect them to do, or you didn't like, or they didn't live up to your expectations. They let you down. So now we have to look at it and say, okay, well, what's going on in this person's world that they're acting like this or do, or they're doing this or they're, you know, not behaving the way you expect them to behave? You never know what's what's in somebody's world, what's in their head, like what they're dealing with. So, instead of immediately judging somebody for what they did or didn't do, look at it from that perspective, like what's going on? Why did this happen? What are they feeling?

Joe Amoia: 20:01

Yeah, no, I agree a thousand percent and, again, transparent.

Joe Amoia: 20:05

I was very judgmental and very pissed off and angry when people didn't live up to my expectations, and I learned along my journey that to what you're kind of saying is to see others through the eyes of love, see others through the eyes of not Like. You don't know what's going on in that person's world, you haven't walked in their shoes, and yet they may be acting a certain way or doing something a certain way, and it may totally blow your mind and make no sense whatsoever, but there's something going on in that person's world and I think you know. We've talked about this many times. I think at our core we are all divine creations, all unique expressions of God, but we go through this thing called life. We have a human brain, we have a mind, we have an ego, and the environment, the world that we live in, the things we see here and experience conditions us to think, speak, act and feel a certain way, and so I believe most people are on autopilot. Yeah, and they don't know any better.

Natalie Amoia: 21:10

Right.

Joe Amoia: 21:10

They don't know that they don't know. So that's where having those standards and lines in the sand versus expectations is so different, because when that person crosses your line of sand or, you know, doesn't adhere to your standards, then you get to decide what you want to do. Do you want to see him through his eyes of love? Do you want to have a conversation? Do you want to give them compassion, something that will make you feel better? You just want to say you know what? This isn't cool, this isn't how I want to be treated. Pick up your toys and move on Like. You get to decide.

Joe Amoia: 21:39

As we said earlier, you have the power now for your happiness, for your joy, for your life. But it also frees that person and doesn't put more attack on them. Because, let's face it, we live in a world where everybody's judging and criticizing everybody, and I think that's why the world is in the shape it's in today. But what if we can see each other through more, through the eyes of compassion, through the eyes of love, with a little bit more understanding of you know? I don't, really don't know what's going on in this person's eyes. It doesn't mean, again, you don't have to tolerate their behavior, but I really don't know what's going on with them. But they're not treating me the way I want to be treated, so I'm just going to move on, right, and I think that's a much more healthier way for everybody.

Natalie Amoia: 22:21

Yeah, just you know. I just want to tell this quick story. I was actually just telling it yesterday for another reason, but there was a time, I don't know a while ago, maybe even 10 years ago, like a long time, where I was. I was not in a good place that day, like I was having a bad day, like I don't even remember at the you know now I don't remember at the time what was happening. I just remember I was not in a good place and I had to go to Trader Joe's.

Natalie Amoia: 22:52

So I go to Trader Joe's and I'm in line and the woman. I got up to the cashier and the woman says excuse me one second. The cashier says excuse me one second. So she runs over, she gets, she comes back with the cashier, she's got a bouquet of flowers and she gives them to me and she says here, these are for you. She says I just want to thank you for being so kind, because the woman before me was just miserable and horrible to deal with. And I was like, oh okay, thank you.

Natalie Amoia: 23:28

And first of all, the point I want to say is you know she wasn't expecting that person to be in such a bad mood, right?

Natalie Amoia: 23:37

Instead of putting herself in a bad mood and, lingering in it, she went and did something else to make herself feel good, because and the other thing is, you never know how you're going to make somebody else feel some random act of kindness, right. So she had no idea what I was dealing with that day that I was in such a bad mood and I was so sad, for whatever reason at the time. And her little action, what that did for me, made me feel so good and that's what I needed. And she didn't even know. I walked out of that store, I started bawling. I'm like, oh my God, you know, and the point I'm trying to make is we don't, like I said, we don't know what somebody else is dealing with, we don't know what they're going through, but don't let it take your power away. Do something else that's going to give you your power back and make you feel better about yourself, about somebody else or whatever.

Joe Amoia: 24:36

And I think that's a perfect example, because in that moment she could have said right, that nasty woman didn't live up to her expectations of how a customer could have been nasty to me and return an employee, right, and she could have taken that on and go she's the crisis with only people and see people suck in this and that, right.

Joe Amoia: 24:53

But in that moment she chose to see life and people in a different way and she chose to put her focus and energy into being a more compassionate, loving, kind person. And she knew, hey, you know, I can't deal with that person, right? Nobody's going to make that person happy, for whatever reason. But now I'm going to put my focus and energy into something that makes me feel better.

Natalie Amoia: 25:17

Right, and what was even funny is I didn't even like I didn't go out of my way to be extra kind to her. I was just being me, hi, how you doing, you know, thank you you know, so it was just simple, but for her it was a big thing.

Joe Amoia: 25:29

So it just reinforces what we're talking about today. Ok, so here's what we want you to do we want you to take some mirror time and look at your life. Take an honest look at your life, and where are your expectations causing you pain? In what way are your expectations not serving you? And just see what's one thing you can do to shift your expectations or to eliminate your expectations and replace them with your standards or your lines in the sand. And so if you let us know, you know, we'd love to hear you know what's going on for you and how you're going to make those changes.

Natalie Amoia: 26:08

Yeah, I mean, you can always reach out to us. Our information is always at the bottom of each podcast in the description our emails, our social media. Just let us know.

Joe Amoia: 26:18

Right, all right, ladies or gentlemen, whoever's listening to this we love and appreciate you. Go have an amazing week. We'll see you next week.

Natalie Amoia: 26:26

Thanks, bye.