Why Chasing Happiness is The Recipe To Being Unhappy

You might think you're chasing happiness, but what if we told you there's a deeper, more fulfilling emotion? 

We're going beyond the surface-level chase for ephemeral happiness, and instead, exploring the profound depths of joy. Joy is not just a fleeting feeling; it is a lasting state of being, which unlike happiness, emanates from deep within  you. In sharing our own personal experiences, we’ll help you comprehend this significant difference and why it's key to helping you have a more gratifying life.

As we journey through life, societal pressures and expectations often lead us to suppress joy. We’re taught to seek things that promise happiness, yet fail to deliver long-term contentment. 

We'll discuss the importance of differentiating joy from happiness, and how society, even with the best intentions, can inadvertently dim our inner joy. By exploring personal anecdotes, we aim to guide you in rediscovering what true joy really is.

Finally, we delve into practical action steps to help you uncover and nurture your joy.

This isn’t just about identifying what brings you pleasure, but how that contributes to your overall wellbeing. 

We believe acknowledging and embracing joy is a potent tool for creating and fostering a more fulfilling and enjoyable life.

We're excited to have you join us as we share our joys and learn how to discover and cultivate yours. Remember, joy is not just something to feel, it's something to live.

** Credit to the website we spoke about in this episode: https://www.compassion.com/sponsor_a_child/difference-between-joy-and-happiness.htm#:~:text=The%20true%20definition%20of%20joy,a%20choice%20to%20be%20made.

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Feel free to contact us with any questions/comments you may have about this episode via email at Joe@thelovementors.com or Natalie@thelovementors.com.

You can also send us a DM and follow us on Instagram @the.lovementors or reach out in our Facebook Group - Manifesting Love in Midlife. We can also be found on YouTube - @JoeandNat.

We always love to hear from you! Be Blessed!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

This is Joe.

Speaker 2: 0:03

And this is Nat and you're listening to the Getting Better With Age podcast to show that helps you navigate midlife challenges and turn them into opportunities to grow and evolve into a happier, healthier and more empowered you.

Speaker 1: 0:15

And remember, getting older doesn't mean that the best years have to be behind you. We believe, like a fine wine, you and your life can get better with age, and we're here to show you exactly how to do that.

Speaker 2: 0:26

So grab a glass of vino, kick off your shoes and join us in discovering how to make the next chapter of your life the best one yet.

Speaker 1: 0:38

Hello everyone.

Speaker 2: 0:39

it's Joe and it's Nat and welcome back to Getting Better With Age. Hope you're doing well today, Joe.

Speaker 1: 0:46

I'm doing very well. How about yourself, Leipi?

Speaker 2: 0:48

I'm doing well and I'm happy today.

Speaker 1: 0:50

Happy.

Speaker 2: 0:52

But happy, happy, joy, joy. I'm also full of joy.

Speaker 1: 0:57

What's the difference?

Speaker 2: 0:58

Ah, that's what we're going to talk about today the difference between joy and happiness. And, yes, there is a big difference.

Speaker 1: 1:09

So if you're listening, see if this sounds familiar. Right, you're a good person, you do your best in life to be a good mother, a good daughter, a good wife, good friend, good employee. But and you get moments where you feel really good, you feel really happy, you got good people around you. But there's something missing. Right, there's just the feeling that, no matter what you do, that happiness it's kind of like a drug. It's like you know, when you're getting high it feels wonderful, but the minute the high wears off and you come back to reality, it's like what's missing. Why don't I feel the way I want to feel? Like there's something missing within me. So if that resonates with you, I want you to pay close attention, because this episode is for you, because, as Natalie said, we're going to differentiate between happiness and joy, and I got to admit that for the most part I kind of thought they were the same thing.

Speaker 2: 2:08

But they are really not. Yes, and you know, joe and I actually had a conversation yesterday and I was talking about that and I'm like what is your joy? And he was naming all these things. Well, this brings me joy, and this brings me joy and this brings me joy. I'm like, no, but that's not joy, that's happiness. Those things make you happy, but do they bring you true joy?

Speaker 1: 2:33

So if you're listening, you're like well, I always thought they were kind of the same thing. They're things that make you feel good, like happiness. Joy isn't it kind of the same thing? No, it's really not. And if you don't understand the difference, you could have happiness in your life, but it'll be fleeting, it won't give you the fulfillment, the joy, the experience that you really want, and I think that's what we're talking about. Right, if you want to go forward, at this stage, you want more joy in your life. You don't want more. You may think you want more happiness, but you really don't. And chasing happiness is really a recipe for more failure in your life, for being let down, for more disappointment, for more pain. Now, I know that might sound kind of like a conundrum. Well, how can be chasing happiness and wanting to be happier Make me unhappy, make me more miserable? Well, again, we want you to pay attention.

Speaker 2: 3:27

Right. So here's the thing. Happiness is an effect of something. So you hear a song on the radio that makes you happy, you go to a movie that makes you laugh, that makes you happy, you do something fun that makes you happy. So something has to happen to make you happy.

Speaker 1: 3:53

And I think that's really key is to understand that happiness is based on external stimulus, right. So, like you said, if you do this or you do that, or you experience this or you feel good, right, you feel happy, but why doesn't it last and I think that's what we do is we're in our society and a lot of it has to do with marketing, indoctrination we're always chasing things outside to be happy and we get them and we feel great for a little while, but then the happiness high wears off and we're back to this place going, but there's still something missing. And if you're unaware kind of like I was then you still go outside looking for happiness. Well, that wasn't it. Maybe it's this, but this thing is going to give me that feeling that I really want, and it's really understanding the energy centers of where this energy and emotion really live. Because happiness lives basically in your mind, okay. So in your mind, in your brain, in your ego, it's like this makes me feel good, okay, but it's temporary.

Speaker 2: 5:06

Right. It's like in the moment Right, so you can be really happy about something in that moment. But then five minutes later, something can happen and just upset you when that happiness is gone. So you cannot be happy in moments of sadness or despair or grief. You can't be happy in those moments. But what we learned is that you can have joy even in those moments.

Speaker 1: 5:35

I know something you're going. What the hell are you talking about? Like you know, you can have joy. In moments of sadness, despair, frustration, life's challenges. You can have joy and that may sound totally out of left field, but absolutely 100%.

Speaker 2: 5:54

Right. So let me give you an example. A couple years ago, my mother passed away and she passed away at home and we were all around her and my boys were there. Joe was with me, but the boys were not in the room when she actually was passing.

Speaker 2: 6:09

So after she passed, obviously I was in a state of mourning, of grief, of sadness, of all these emotions. Yet when I walked into the other room where my boys were, I had still a feeling in my heart of joy, because they were there with me. They were there to come for me, they were there to hold my hand, they were there for me. They're my life, right, they're my world, and I still had that joy there because of that. Yet, I was still grieving and I was still sad and I was still crying, but I couldn't be happy at that moment. I couldn't have a smile on my face and have excitement because my mother just passed. But I still had that joy in my heart for my boys but also for all that my mother meant to me, right? I see the difference.

Speaker 1: 7:08

And I think that's key. This is kind of how I see it. It's that when it's a cloudy day, right, the joy is finding the sunshine the sunshine in the moment. We'll go back to that moment because, as you were talking about, I was thinking about the same thing, because we were all around as your mom was taking her last breath and she was transitioning.

Speaker 1: 7:29

So it was me, you, your brother your dad everybody, and as much as most of us like to look at debt as a terrible thing, it really was a beautiful experience watching the love around, watching your dad release your mom being there, the things he was saying to her, like, as you were saying, as much as it wasn't a happy moment, there was so much beauty and joy in that. And what? What I mean by joy? It was literally touching our hearts and touching our soul and, although it was again unhappy to our mind and ego, in our hearts, in our soul, it was beautiful.

Speaker 1: 8:15

And that's the difference is understanding is that joy literally, literally, lives in your soul, in your heart. It's that part of you that's connected to something bigger and that, no matter what's going on in the world around you, the goal is trying to find that joy. And it's not as simply as you know, just thinking positive, because, again, thinking that I'm going to think something that's going to make me feel happy, right. But it's finding that joy that lights up your heart, that lights up your soul, that really makes you feel good and that lasts and gives you that fulfillment. That's why was it three years now, like your mom passed?

Speaker 2: 8:55

It is two and a half.

Speaker 1: 8:58

Okay, so two and a half years later we can still talk about that, yeah, and bring up the joy, the fulfillment in our hearts and our soul going through that human, horrible experience.

Speaker 2: 9:13

Yeah, yeah, it's so interesting and I never, you know, differentiated between the two until recently, and it's really amazing because so many you know I was actually looking for. We have our mastermind most of my train but we have a mastermind every Tuesday and each one of us each week has to do a kickoff and talk about something that's meaningful and supportive to each other. And you know, for those of you who don't know what a mastermind is is.

Speaker 1: 9:46

basically, they're individuals where you meet regularly to support each other on this journey called life. So it's really individuals who are getting together who are saying, hey, this is what I'm going through, this is, you know, some advice I need, or what are you going through? How can I be there for you? So it's like-minded individuals getting together regularly to support each other on this crazy journey called life.

Speaker 2: 10:08

So anyway, after having the conversation with Joe yesterday about the happy joy differentiation, I said, oh, that'd be a good idea for a kickoff for our mastermind. So I was looking on YouTube for videos on you know the difference between joy and happiness and you know how to find your joy, and I found that most of them talked about more happiness. They talked about joy and happiness synonymously.

Speaker 1: 10:37

Right.

Speaker 2: 10:38

And you know you have to find your joy, find your happiness. You have to chase it? Well, no, people chase happiness, right, because to give them that pleasure in the moment. But joy you don't have to chase, because joy is in your heart and in your soul, and that's one of the things I've learned and I've discovered. So I never found the video I wanted to and I really just spoke about it, about the difference in what I felt. And I did found, find a little something that kind of explained it, and I'll talk about it in a minute. But so that's you know kind of how this came up. But you cannot use them synonymously they. There is a stark difference between the two.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Right, and if you're listening to this, we hope that your takeaway from today is understanding that joy and happiness are different and that if you're chasing happiness, you're setting yourself up for failure, because happiness can only be temporary.

Speaker 1: 11:37

And there's nothing wrong with having experiences, temporarily, that make you happy, that make you feel good. Whether it's going on vacation, whether it's going to a nice romantic dinner, whether it's making love, whether it's going to a sporting event, whatever it's having family, whatever it is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with experiencing happiness. I think that's one of the many benefits of being human and going through this thing called life. But I think, as human beings, we're here because our souls want joy, but we're confused because our minds are settling for happiness. And we get happiness Like how many of you are listening to this? Like you had a goal, you had a dream Maybe it was a relationship I want a relationship, or I want to get married and you got exactly what you were looking for and you felt happy for a little while, but ultimately you realized it didn't fill your soul.

Speaker 1: 12:35

There was still something missing for you. And whether it's a career, whether it's a relationship, whether it's a marriage, it's find out what lights up your soul, what lights up your heart. That's where your joy is and I think in this human journey so many of us have been indoctrinated with, you know to search for happiness. Do this. You know you've got the numerous commercials. If you buy this, you'll be happy. If you drink this, you'll be happy. If you go to this place on vacation, you'll be happy, and everybody's smiling Right and you see them happy.

Speaker 2: 13:13

And there's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with being happy. Don't get us wrong.

Speaker 1: 13:17

That's what we just said. But ultimately it's like a drug, like okay, that happiness high was great, now it wears off. Now I'm back home from vacation, now I'm back in my mundane life.

Speaker 1: 13:29

Now, what's the next thing that get me happy, instead of looking for, okay, what is it that really brings me joy? And incorporating those things and living from that space. And I think those individuals and I wish I could say I was there, because this is like opening up a whole can of worms for me, because I was someone, quite transparently, who was chasing happiness. Oh, I can do this, I can do that, or I can go here or do this or whatever it may be, and it felt great for a little while, but it didn't light up my soul. So we're having that conversation yesterday and you asked me I'm like, give me a list of things and, as you said, those things make you happy. And I got real and I'm like you know what? I really don't know what my joy is, but then, looking at it and really reflecting on it, it really was discovering that for me, was joy is just being the real me, and I know some of you well who you've been being Well, I've been being this version that I thought I was supposed to be and to create a life that was going to make me happy or make my wife and kids happy, and again, there's nothing wrong with that In the process, I lost a lot of who I was.

Speaker 1: 14:47

I lost that joy because I was doing things to be happy instead of doing the things that were truly coming from within my soul and bringing me joy. And I looked at those moments where I did feel joy and I looked where I was truly being me and living from my heart, living and doing things that truly came from my heart and soul and that could be you know, we use the example on our mastermind today Like I was cutting your aunt's hedges the other day, listening to music, and I just felt so at peace. I felt really good with her, like it filled me up because I love music, it brings me joy and just being there, knowing I was doing something for somebody I love, which is a big part of the things that bring me joy. So, but it wasn't happiness looking at that, it was really joy. So that's one of my goals and you know, the next decade you know a couple of decades of our life is really putting my focus more on joy and finding things that bring me joy in my heart versus chasing happiness.

Speaker 2: 15:52

And here's another difference Joy is like love. In order to truly be in love, in order to truly experience joy, you have to be vulnerable, you have to break down your walls. You have to truly experience it again in your heart and in your soul. You don't have to do that with happiness, right. Anybody could be happy from anything but there. With joy, just like love, comes vulnerability.

Speaker 1: 16:24

Okay, expand on that.

Speaker 2: 16:26

Well, I'm actually gonna read something because that's what resonated with me and I don't know where I found it.

Speaker 1: 16:33

I'm gonna find the website and I will put it in the show notes because I wanted to know Absolutely you're listening to this and giving them credit.

Speaker 2: 16:45

But okay, the true definition of joy goes beyond the limited explanation presented in a dictionary, which is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. True joy is a limitless, life-defining, transformative reservoir rating. To be tapped into, it requires the utmost surrender and, like love, is a choice to be made. Joy is not simply a feeling that happens, so it really comes deep from within, and in order to get there, there's walls that have to be broken down.

Speaker 1: 17:24

I think that's why I was asking you to clarify which topics you think would mobile on. It's just about letting go. Yeah Right, because you think about it. We've come indoctrinated. We create these identities, these personas, these personalities that we use to just get through this thing called life, chasing happiness, thinking we need to be a certain way or live in a certain house or drive a certain car, like all these external things. And we get all those things, but there's something still missing, and I think people who aren't aware at this stage call it a midlife crisis and then they go, start looking for happiness outside and other things.

Speaker 1: 17:59

Yeah, no, that's not good, Right, and they wind up back at the same place and say, hey, well, that didn't work. Or I think other individuals who are conscious get to that point where you know what. What's missing is what lights me up, and those are the individuals who find their joy, find their purpose, find their passion, whatever it may be. So I think it's being able to let go of that human mind and that desire to be happy versus the desire to find joy to be joyful.

Speaker 2: 18:29

I think a lot of that too, as we from a child, like it gets suppressed, right, because just think when you see your children, right, if you have children when they're like, even when they're babies, and they're smiling and laughing and giggling like that's just pure joy because they don't know anything else.

Speaker 1: 18:48

Like that's just coming from within.

Speaker 2: 18:50

Right. So it gets suppressed as we get older, just from life. And just a quick example that I was talking about today I remember one time when we were little, probably I don't know eight, nine, 10 years old, and our friends came over, my parents' friends came over and their kids and we hang out together and play together and we were late like in the room and we were like laughing and giggling and just being kids, you know, and just again living in joy because we didn't know anything else. And our parents came in and yelled at us because we were being too loud. You know, just stop it, stop forcing around. I mean, it's not like we were like breaking lamps or anything, we were just being kids, stop forcing around, be quiet, and like we got in trouble for experiencing our joy. So just examples like that, and not that they were bad parents, that's just what they knew, right. But as you grow, things like that keep happening and it suppresses the joy, and I think that's important.

Speaker 1: 19:52

It's almost like a cycle. We come into this world as beings of pure joy, like that's who we are innately. That's because we don't know any different. We don't have any of the shit that we've taken on and it's been indoctrinated with yet. And then we go through life and I think parents who are well-meaning very often dim our light, dim our joy, and then we're like, ok, well, now what do I need to do? I want to get back there, so we learn in our world, in our society, through our parents, cultures, whatever it may be, that OK, this will make you happy. And then we chase this. Maybe it's an education, maybe it's a degree, maybe it's a relationship, maybe it's buying a certain car, and again, those things very often bring temporary happiness.

Speaker 1: 20:36

Now, for some individuals, they can bring pure joy. Someone could drive a car and that car, being in that car and how they feel, brings them joy. And I think that's the key is understanding for yourself what truly brings you joy and taking some mirror, timing, getting real and getting honest. Because again we talk about we're at the mid-stage, maybe a little bit further. Who knows how many hours are left on the clock? And so what do we need to do to be more joyful as we go forward, so that when we get to the end, we go with a smile on our face and a full and grateful?

Speaker 2: 21:12

heart, yeah, and I just want to say this kind of to wrap it up in a bow, it's from this website too. When we find joy, when we truly find joy, it's infused with comfort and wrapped in peace.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Yeah that's it. It feels good in our hearts, in our soul, and I think that's the big thing is to understand that joy lives in your heart, right? Where does comfort and peace live in your heart? Happiness lives in your mind, in your ego. So we're going to throw it out to you. What brings you joy? Like, really think of it and then say, okay, is this really bring me joy? Does this really touch and resonate with my heart and does it last? Or does it really just bring me happiness which is temporary, which is fleeting, which feels good but it doesn't last, it doesn't light up my heart, doesn't light up my soul? And if you're like me and you're like well, I thought it was the same thing, but it's really not. Just start putting your focus and energy into finding your joy, because it's there and I believe your heart and soul knows you just got to get your head out of the frigging way.

Speaker 2: 22:21

Yeah, and we ask you that. But that doesn't mean you have to answer that right away. It can take time. Like Joe, he really had to think about it all. This time he would say, even in other times he would say, well, this brings me joy, and this brings me joy, and that's not it, that's happiness. So you really differentiate between the two, and once you really understand what joy is, and then you can find it in your heart, and then you'll know.

Speaker 1: 22:51

Yeah, and that's the key.

Speaker 2: 22:52

And then, I want you to tell us Right.

Speaker 1: 22:54

If you want to make the next decades of your life the best, you've got to find your joy.

Speaker 2: 23:00

Yeah, and my joy. Joe told you his joy. My joy is truly my husband and my children. They are my heart, they are my world and no matter what is going on, I have that joy in my heart because they're in my life, just like I explained about when my mother passed. So, yeah, that is truly my joy.

Speaker 1: 23:28

Okay, so now that's your homework. Yeah, that's your action step Take some time and really find your joy. And again, if you're struggling, you have any questions, reach out to Natalie and I.

Speaker 2: 23:39

The info is in the description Always in the show description. We're always here for you. Please reach out. I really would love to know what your joy is, because knowing your joy brings me more joy. Absolutely, because we want to spread joy.

Speaker 1: 23:52

That's it. That's the reason we're doing this, not just at Christmas time.

Speaker 2: 23:55

Right.

Speaker 1: 23:56

All right, we love and appreciate you.

Speaker 2: 23:57

We'll see you next week.