Emotional Freedom - How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Do you feel guilty telling someone love "NO" because doing so means you're selfish and not a loving person? 

Does your big heart often lead you to feel burdened and stressed feeling like it's your job to take care of those you love and care for?

In this episode we’re going to take you through our journey of learning to care, without taking on the responsibility for someone else's health or happiness.

We’ll take you down the memory lane to New Jersey where we learned the life-altering mantra, "Care, Don't Carry". 

We’ll explore how love can sometimes be a double-edged sword, leading us to absorb too much of others' burdens and how it’s okay to step back and let others handle their own problems. 

We’ll also delve into the art of giving advice without unintentionally snatching away someone else’s reigns. 

So, loosen up, pour your favorite wine and get ready for an enlightening ride to make your life’s next chapter the best one yet.

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Feel free to contact us with any questions/comments you may have about this episode via email at Joe@thelovementors.com or Natalie@thelovementors.com.

You can also send us a DM and follow us on Instagram @the.lovementors or reach out in our Facebook Group - Manifesting Love in Midlife. We can also be found on YouTube - @JoeandNat.

We always love to hear from you! Be Blessed!

Transcript

Joe: 0:02

This is Joe.

Nat: 0:03

And this is Nat and you're listening to the Getting Better With Age podcast to show that helps you navigate midlife challenges and turn them into opportunities to grow and evolve into a happier, healthier and more empowered you.

Joe: 0:15

And remember, getting older doesn't mean that the best years have to be behind you. We believe, like a fine wine, you and your life can get better with age, and we're here to show you exactly how to do that.

Nat: 0:26

So grab a glass of vino, kick off your shoes and join us in discovering how to make the next chapter of your life the best one yet.

Joe: 0:38

Hey everyone, it's Joe and it's Nat, and welcome back to another episode of Getting Better With Age. What up, Wifey?

Nat: 0:47

Oh, just another beautiful day in New Jersey, Getting chilly though.

Joe: 0:50

Now some people think that's an oxymoron. You know a beautiful day in New Jersey.

Nat: 0:53

Depends what part of New Jersey you're in.

Joe: 0:56

Well, here's the thing. If you're listening, I'll give you a quick synoptism on why New Jersey has a bad rap. Anybody who doesn't live in New Jersey is usually transient, so they either fly into Newark Airport or they drive through the state, which means they have to drive to New Jersey Turnpike, and there's a large portion of the New Jersey Turnpike that passes through refineries and it just smells like dog crap. So for those of you who don't have them, who have never visited New Jersey, who hear all this bad rap, there are a lot of beautiful places.

Nat: 1:26

Absolutely.

Joe: 1:26

Actually I saw a fox. I didn't tell you, but I saw a fox driving our son to school today.

Nat: 1:31

Fox was driving our son to school. No, I saw I guess, you know, I guess ten people.

Joe: 1:36

No. On the way to driving our son to school today, I saw a fox. Yes, and so we see foxes. There's deer all over the friggin place. There's mountains, there's lake. It's a beautiful, beautiful place If you get past the spench, the beach is the best part. Right, you can get past New Jersey, sure, but so if you can get past the stench of the Turnpike, or you know the busyness of North Airport it's a really, really beautiful place.

Joe: 2:00

So that's a side road Anyway, for those of you who you know, who think Jersey is a shithole it's really not so. That being said, yes, today we're going to talk about three words that can change your life or improve your life. Today, like not tomorrow, not next week, not next year, you don't have to do this work. There are three magic words that, if you know these three words and you abide by these three words, they can, they have the power to change your life immediately.

Nat: 2:29

Now, before we share what those three words, are because everybody's saying three words in their head, wondering what they are Right.

Joe: 2:36

Right Before we reveal what these three words are.

Joe: 2:39

This is going to tell you if this podcast is for you. Do you have a hard time saying no? Do you often give someone your all and then look back and regret? Have you ever been in a relationship where you thought your job was to love that person and to be there and to do everything to love, support and be the partner that you wanted to be, oddly to realize that you did it at your own expense? Well, if that's you, you're going to love this podcast.

Joe: 3:11

And so this is something I learned about 15 years ago and how it happened. And those of you who don't know, I was a chiropractor in my previous life, and so I was working with one of my coaches at the time and we were having this conversation and I was really frustrated. And she's like what's going on? I go you know some of these patients where they come into the office. They want help. I give them a care plan, I give them a diagnosis, a prognosis, lay everything out for them. You just need to show up here at this time, and then they don't show up and then they're like oh, I'm not getting better, and it's kind of like you know. And I'm like how are they gonna get better if they don't come in? And I can't work my magic? And she's like why do you care? I go, what do you mean? Why do I care? They're coming here for me to help them and I can't help them. And then they're complaining about it.

Joe: 4:02

She's like yeah, but why do you care? I said because I can't do my job. She's like are you doing your job? She's like are you being there? Are you giving them a care plan? Are you giving them a diagnosis? Are you doing everything? When they show up To support them and help them? I'm like yeah, 100%. And she's like and so they're not getting the results? She's like who's faulted that? I'm like well, it's those. And she's like well, why do you care? And at that moment it was like the light went off for me and she said these three magic words. Well, before she told me the three magic words, she said this line she's like you care too much. And I'm like what do you mean? I care too much? Like isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Like I went in this to be a doctor to help people. Because I genuinely care, I want to help people. She's like yeah, but you care too much, and I'm like I don't get it. So then she said these three magic words Are you ready?

Nat: 4:53

Ready.

Joe: 4:53

If you're driving, you might want to pull over and write these down. Here they are Care, don't carry. Okay, care, don't carry. So what she helped me to understand is that it's wonderful to care, it's wonderful to be there to support someone, to love them, to give them your all, but in the process, if you're taking on their stuff and it's causing you to lose your joy, your happiness, your whatever it may be, then it's time to look in the mirror.

Joe: 5:33

And that one sentence 15 years ago literally changed my life, and this is how I see it today. As I see it as somebody drowning, and if it's somebody that I care about and somebody that I love, I'm going to do everything I can to help that person. But the second that person starts pulling me under and now I'm going to drown, it's like sorry, you got to go, and that has helped me in so many many ways. So let's go back. Let's look at your life and how this is applied to your journey. Was that something that you struggled with? Is it something that you still struggle with? Is it something that's been easy for you? How is it applied to your life?

Nat: 6:17

I do still struggle with it sometimes, because I go back and forth with, yes, I wanna help, that's not my obligation, but it's what I choose to do. It's what I wanna do. For instance, like, well, my parents when my mom was still alive, and my dad and my aunt, and I have no problem helping them at all. I mean, I love them, I wanna be there for them. But when I start feeling that it's taking away from the things that I need to do and my priorities, my other priorities, that's when I kinda I start feeling guilty and I'm like I don't know what to do and I wanna help them but I can't because I have to do this today and it causes a lot of havoc in my brain.

Joe: 7:06

No, and I love that you shared that, because that's the truth. And the truth is there are times where I will struggle with it, with my parents who are getting older, with our kids, because when you love someone, you wanna be there, you wanna support, and there's nothing wrong with occasions like okay, you know what, yeah, I got some stuff to do, but you know what I got to put my stuff on the back burner because that's who I want to be Like. It's a choice, and when you do something from your heart because it's a choice, there's never any guilt, there's never any resentment. Right, and you always feel good for it, you feel good about yourself. But when you do it because you don't want to or you feel you have to and that's really where the burden comes in I have to do it. Now you are carrying, you are taking on the responsibility for the other person, you are taking the responsibility for their health, their happiness, and that's when it starts bringing you under.

Nat: 8:04

Exactly.

Nat: 8:05

And it's also when you feel like you're the only one that can do it, like nobody else is there to help you, which was another problem for me many, many years ago, when my mother first started getting sick with Alzheimer's and I was there all the time helping her, helping my dad, showering her, like everything, and I felt like I was the only one who was doing it and I couldn't count on my siblings.

Nat: 8:34

But then divine intervention sometimes happens and I oh, that's when I had to have my hysterectomy and that's when she really started going downhill and I literally could not help her because I had to help myself. I just had major surgery. So I had to make that decision to say and to speak to my siblings and say, listen, I need you to step in because I can't do it. And for so long I felt like I was the only one who had to do it and I was carrying all of that. And again, not that I didn't mind doing it, but I still felt like, well, wait a minute, I'm not the only one here. But you also sometimes have to step back and then say, listen, there are others here that could step in too and carry some of that responsibility.

Joe: 9:23

And I think that's where we get tangled is because, okay, it's my responsibility, I need to do it, and then we take it on instead of like no, it's not my responsibility, it's my choice if I so choose. But when somebody else's happiness or health becomes our responsibility, that's when it becomes a burden. And there's a quote, if I can get it right. It says responsibility chosen is a joy, responsibility dictated is a burden.

Joe: 9:53

It's when responsibility is dictated on us and we feel we have to do it. That's when it comes to burden, that's when we lose our joy, that's when we lose our passion, that's when we lose our power. And I think it's so important because so often we get caught up in our mind it's I got to do it. If I don't, you know me like I'm, that's who I am. I'm going to do it, I'm going to make it happen. And I got to the point of my journey where I was carrying everybody else's happiness and responsibilities and I just kept taking on, taking on, taking on, taking on, until like, well, wait a minute, now I'm drowning. Now I lost my happiness, now I lost my joy. Now I lost who I really was. And I had to search my soul to figure that out and to start making the changes.

Joe: 10:39

Where I was like you know what? And hey, you know I got to say no, like you know, a couple of weeks ago. You know we try and spend you know time to see my parents, you know, once a week. And because we enjoy it, like their grandparents, you know, they're great, we enjoy spending time with them. And it was just, it was a day I was just beat me. You know we've been running back and forth. It's going to see your dad. The son had three games and in a day he had a triple header and like it was something. It's like you know what. I'm just fried and I'm like, hey, what are you guys doing? I said you know sorry. I said I'm beat. I said you know we're not coming today and in the past you know I would have never said that.

Nat: 11:19

Right, you would have felt guilty. And now we got to go, we got to see them, yeah.

Joe: 11:22

Right, and I would have done it from the place and I'm like no. And again, when you stand in your truth, it's amazing how the universe will line up and my mother's like OK no problem, yeah, I get it, you know you've been running crazy.

Joe: 11:32

Just take your time. You know we're going to get something to eat and we're good. But so often it's that fear that, hey, I've got to do it, yeah, it's all on me, where it's like no, we live in a giant universe and, honestly, if my mother would get upset and pissed off, I would have been like, well, sorry, that's your shit. You know you got to deal with that because I know, you know we've been loving, caring children and we're there and we do the best we can. But if it's never going to be enough for you, well then you got to look at that. You got to deal with that. I'm no longer willing to take that on. That is your stuff and I can tell you, if you're listening to this and you struggle, there's so much freedom and power in being able to say sorry, you can't do it, that's on you.

Nat: 12:16

Right, and it's not even as that too. It's when you hear friends, family members, complain about something, you know something's wrong with them and I can't take it anymore, and so on. And you know you want to help them. So you, from your heart, you give them advice. And well, you know why don't you try this, or maybe this will help? And then they're like, oh OK, and then they come back with the same complaint again and like, well, did you try what I suggested? No, and they make an excuse. So it's like you can't do it and, like Joseph says, all the time, you can't do anybody's pushups for them. Right, If, let's say, your friend wants to lose weight and you give them advice on what helped you and then they don't do it and they still complain that they have to lose weight. Like you can't do anybody's work for them. And that's what you have to remember and it's not your responsibility to make anybody else happy. Everybody's happiness is within themselves.

Joe: 13:17

But I totally get that and I think the key in that is to understand is because we mean well, right, ok, I know this will help you. So I'm going to give you this unsolicited advice because I believe it will help you, and very often most of us find out that they don't listen anyway. So what I do now in my journey is can I give you advice, right, or can I give you my input, or this is what I kind of know Do you want to hear about it? Because it's kind of them getting you getting their permission right, because people inherently don't like to be told what to do, even if it's in their own best interest. It's funny because my mother will tell everybody what to do. She's got advice, you know.

Nat: 13:56

Drink aloe vera juice or do this or go this, or go there or eat this the advice for everybody.

Joe: 14:03

tells everybody what to do. Accept yourself Right.

Joe: 14:06

But if you give her advice, she comes up with all the reasons and excuses of why it's too difficult, why it's too hard, why she doesn't want to do it. So you have to understand is that people are wired to be where they are, and so you can give somebody logical advice all you want, but if there's something that's keeping them there, you're just whistling in the wind. And so what I've learned in my journey is I never offer input or advice if somebody doesn't ask for it or isn't open to it.

Nat: 14:38

But even if they ask for it many times, they still don't follow up. And then they just complain. And you know, and that's the whole thing, care, don't, care. You can only care so much about somebody. You can only help them as far as they're willing to go.

Joe: 14:52

And that's where you're just shining the light. Okay, well, you know what you asked. I give it to you. You didn't do it. What's that about? Okay, that's on you now. Yeah right, and that's the way I love my death. But it's like, well, look, that's on you. You're choosing not to do what you were told to do, and so you're not getting better. That's on you, and I'm completely at peace with it.

Joe: 15:10

Yeah like that's what I'm saying. There's so much liberation, there's so much power in that where my sister it drives her fucking nuts Like I don't believe it and she's doing this. And I tell her what to do and I go get her this and she doesn't do it. And she's coming here and she gets on. I'm like it's not worth it. It's like she's going to do what she does, care, don't carry. And it's funny, since I shared that with her and her conversations, I took your advice. She's like it's so much better.

Joe: 15:36

She's like it's her journey and if she chooses not to do it, it's on her. She no longer feels responsible and there was a freedom. So you know, the care don't carry phrase is really about freeing you from the being responsible for somebody else's happiness or their health or their state of being, because it's their life. And if they choose to not do what they need to do or supposed to do and they choose to complain about it, well it's like, well, it sucks for you. Sorry to hear about it, but you're choosing this and that's on you, not on me.

Nat: 16:09

Right, and it's you know. It's their, their responsibility to do the work and if they're not willing to do that, you can't make anybody do anything that they're not ready for or not willing to do. It's exhausting.

Joe: 16:22

Yeah, and that's okay.

Nat: 16:24

That's their journey. But you have to understand. Now it's time to step back. I have to worry about myself, my happiness, you know my well-being and go from there.

Joe: 16:35

Because what good is being there and helping others or doing for others If it's at the expense of your own happiness? Right, it's at the expense of your joy, your health. Sometimes and I know some of you are listening to go, but Joe, you don't understand. I'm the only one around to do it and I get that, that's what you believe and that's what you feel, and but is it true that you're the only one? Are there other people out there who could help, even if you paid them? You know it's, it's that other person's responsibility, and if you're taking that all on you, it's tough.

Joe: 17:10

Now again, if you're different and you've got grown kids and you're not getting financial help from time, it's a little bit of a different story.

Joe: 17:17

We're not talking about that's a responsibility that your job is a parent to provide for your kids we're not talking about. We're talking about as people grow older and can be responsible and they're making choices and decisions, which is affecting your health, your happiness, your life, whatever it may be. That's what we're talking about is your ability to say no, this doesn't work for me. And if you've got to drown, sorry, go drown, but that's on you, not on me and anyone, anyone who would try and let me make you feel guilty because you're not doing what they want you to do, instead of doing what they know is going to make you happy is someone who is very selfish. Right, and we do live a little bit of a world where there are people who are very selfish. But if you're in a relationship with someone who's very selfish, you might want to look at that relationship. Yeah, because if you're doing out of obligation and somebody's just taking, taking, taking and not contributing to your happiness, your joy, your life, do you really want to be in that relationship with that person?

Nat: 18:25

No, not at all. Yeah, that's something to think about. But getting back to something you said before about, you know, getting somebody else to help, or usually we feel like we have to like I was saying before, I felt like I had to do it all, but the other person that you feel should be helping, let's say, usually is kind of just in their own world and they're not even realized. Oh my God, look Natalie's doing it all.

Nat: 18:51

I need to help her. No, it like you have to actually ask and most of the time it's absolutely fine. You know, you put all this pressure on yourself and the fear of, oh my God, I can't ask her because whatever I have to do it. And then you ask and it's like oh okay, no problem, yeah.

Joe: 19:07

And that's part of you know, our stuff is like, well, I got to do it, because I can't count on that. Well, did you ever ask, Right, you know? And they make a complaint about it, Like, ah, I got to do it. It's like, well, you know what. It's on you too, Like it shouldn't be solely on your shoulders, Like somebody else. If they have a stake in the game, then you know what they need to step up, and if they choose not to step up, well then that's on them. And this is ultimately about your journey, your life and doing what works for you. So, as you go forward, you know, take some time and really look at this and see how using these three words care, don't carry can improve your life, can improve your relationships, can free you up from guilt, from the burden of somebody else's health, happiness or life, and then put it into practice as you go forward and see what a real game changer it can be.

Nat: 20:03

Absolutely, and the most important thing to remember is happiness is comes from the inside, not from the outside.

Joe: 20:10

Right and it's your life. You get to create it in whatever way works best for you, and sometimes it's okay to say no.

Nat: 20:20

Yes, and as long as, whatever you're doing, you're doing it from your heart, because that's truly what you feel, then it's fine and people who truly love you and truly care about you will totally get it and understand People who don't, because?

Joe: 20:36

they're selfish and it's all about them, are going to give you a hard time, but then they're just exposing and showing you their true colors. So then you're like, well, it's all about you anyway. So sorry I got to go. Yeah, alrighty, I think it was a good one.

Nat: 20:48

Oh, it's a good one. Yeah, let us know what you think you know we reach out. We always put our information in the show description. Our emails, our social media can message us, just reach out.

Joe: 21:00

And if you have any questions or it's like you know what, hey, this makes sense. But you know what I grew up. You know Italian, catholic and and I or Irish, and I got all this guilt.

Nat: 21:08

And I just can't do it.

Joe: 21:10

Reach out to us and you know, and we'll do our best to support you, because it's not that you can't do it, there's just something in you that's preventing you from doing it, and it's usually some kind of fear. So, identify that fear, eradicate it, go forward and have an amazing day and amazing life. Yeah, all right, we love and appreciate you.

Nat: 21:27

We'll see you next week. Have a great week.