Navigating Life's Curveballs: A Candid Discussion on Overcoming Stress and Embracing Change

Are you feeling overwhelmed by life's unexpected challenges and curveballs? Trust us, we've been there too. We've navigated through the stormy seas of midlife, facing various obstacles and adversities. But these experiences have only made us stronger and wiser. Join us as we candidly share our personal journeys, shedding light on the survival mechanisms we've adopted, and discussing their impact on our lives and relationships.

The road to overcoming stress and managing emotions isn't a straight path, it's a winding journey filled with highs and lows. We've encountered periods of emotional overwhelm and avoidance, but we've also learned the power of honesty, vulnerability, and acceptance. 

Sit back and relax as we challenge societal "norms" and provide insights into the effective strategies we've discovered to handle life's curveballs. By honouring our feelings rather than suppressing them, we've learnt to cope with life's challenges in healthier, more empowering ways. We hope our experiences will inspire and empower you to navigate your own journey and evolve into the best version of yourself.

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Feel free to contact us with any questions/comments you may have about this episode via email at Joe@thelovementors.com or Natalie@thelovementors.com.

You can also send us a DM and follow us on Instagram @the.lovementors or reach out in our Facebook Group - Manifesting Love in Midlife. We can also be found on YouTube - @JoeandNat.

We always love to hear from you! Be Blessed!

Transcript

Joe : 0:02

This is Joe.

Natalie: 0:03

And this is Nat and you're listening to the Getting Better With Age podcast to show that helps you navigate midlife challenges and turn them into opportunities to grow and evolve into a happier, healthier and more empowered you.

Joe : 0:15

And remember, getting older doesn't mean that the best years have to be behind you. We believe, like a fine wine, you and your life can get better with age, and we're here to show you exactly how to do that.

Natalie: 0:26

So grab a glass of vino, kick off your shoes and join us in discovering how to make the next chapter of your life the best one yet. Hello everyone, it's Joe and it's Nat, and welcome back to another episode of Getting Better With Age. So let me ask you a question how many times in your life have you been going through life kind of minding your own business? Things are going good, Everything's on track or getting back on track, You're happy, go lucky, and then all of a sudden, bam, life throws a curveball at you. You know those times.

Joe : 1:02

Yeah, experienced a couple, even some, this week.

Natalie: 1:05

Yeah, definitely. We got a big curveball this week. So we've talked about in the past few months ago my dad had a hip replacement and you know it was kind of crazy for a while but he's been doing really well, he's going to physical therapy, he started driving again and I was just saying to my friend I'm like, oh you know, he doesn't need me as much anymore. So I kind of was getting my life back on track and my schedule and my routine and then all of a sudden, bam, that curveball hit and he ended up, you know, back into the hospital again, emergency room, you know, not doing well. He ended up with a uti urinary tract infection and it was like which can be very detrimental in the elder.

Joe : 1:51

Yes, yes, definitely, if you have family members out there, or you get to the stage in your life where you're getting up in years and you have that it's not just a urinary tract infection, Like it can cause, like it could be fatal, Actually really serious fatal problems.

Natalie: 2:05

Yeah, so anyway. So you know, then he was very weak again and you know he's back home now but he's still, like I said, he's weak, he's having trouble walking and you know we have the caregiver for him, but still now a lot is back on me and my siblings to kind of take care of him. And you know, just like I said, you feel like you're getting back on track and then it goes off.

Joe : 2:28

And you know as we talk many times in the past, you know if the goal is to get better with age and improve, it's to understand there are going to be curveballs in life Like there are going to be challenges.

Joe : 2:39

There are going to be times where you think, hey, everything's back on track, great. And then, all of a sudden, life goes. Yeah, you think so, right, but it's how you respond to those moments. Because what most of us don't understand is we have a survival mechanism in our brains. We've all heard a fight or flight, right. Well, what generally happens is, when things like this happen, we become emotionally triggered and if we're not conscious, not aware, we'll go into survival mode. And survival mode, if you're not aware of it and you don't know how to deal with it, or it's not your natural state to learn how to get past and through it, it can literally affect your life. It can cause things like anxiety, it can cause stress disorders, it can cause you to act in a certain way where you become like incorrigible, and it can affect your marriage and your relationships, your job and your relationship with you. It can affect every aspect of your life.

Joe : 3:35

And that's why we're doing this today is because when this comes up, if you don't know how to handle it and you're not aware of what's really going on, it can cause you to spiral down and get into a bad place, and that can leave a really bad, really bad wake.

Natalie: 3:49

Absolutely, and you know. When you're in that, like Joe said, in that survival mode, sometimes it's like you don't know where to go, you don't know what to do. You kind of feel like you know why is this happening to me? You end up in that victim mode where it's like what's going on? Why me, instead of you know, facing what is being the hand that's being dealt to you.

Joe : 4:15

And it's also not just that you can go into a victim mode, like because some people you know it's called fight or flight. So for some people, when they're into the survival mode like for me, if you know, if I'm being very transparent, if I go into situations like that, like I can become an asshole, Like I'm in survival mode, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm stressed out and that energy can manifest itself in my life, in my relationships. I'm not aware of it and I'm not with a partner who can see it and call me on it. It can, as I said earlier, it can leave a week and in the past it has.

Joe : 4:50

I think I've done a lot of work now to be aware of it and I think at our relationship we're learning to communicate and understand each other and so we just kind of know, okay, that's you know you're in survival mode, okay, and really, really understand it. And that's what we're trying to do here is shine light. So it's not just about not everybody goes into victim mode. Some people think, like I'm, like I'm not being a victim, I'm just stressed out because I got this shit that I got to deal with.

Joe : 5:16

And it's really overwhelming me, it's doing what it does, which you know, we don't learn these coping skills.

Joe : 5:24

We're not taught, and so most of us, early in life, develop these survival mechanisms that we use to literally get through life, whether fight or flight. For some people it's to shut down and to run away. Other people it's to go on the attack and to fight back, and we can do that in many, many different ways, and most of us have primary ways that we tend to adapt when we're in survival, and that goes back to when we were children, how we've learned to survive the environment that we're in, when life was throwing us curveball and giving us things that we're emotionally painful or we didn't have the skills or tools or awareness on how to handle.

Natalie: 6:02

Right, and there are some people that just avoid. It's like nothing's wrong, Everything's good. I'm happy, you know, and really they're not facing the truth and they're not facing what's going on and they turn and kind of walk the other way.

Joe : 6:15

No, I love that you said that because for some people it's like, you know, it's the ostrich sticking its head in the sand. It's like if I don't have to see it, I don't have to acknowledge it, I don't have to deal with it.

Joe : 6:25

It doesn't exist and again that can leave a weight, because you know that's a perfect example of what happened with your dad. You know I was out of town with with our son. We went to a concert down in Baltimore and on the way back your dad wasn't feeling well. So you asked me hey, could you stop in and check?

Natalie: 6:39

Yeah, it was on the way.

Joe : 6:40

Right. So on my way back is like five minutes out of the way.

Natalie: 6:43

Out of the way.

Joe : 6:44

So it's like you know, ok, I'll stop and check and see how he's doing. And you know, when you have friends, family members, people that you love, you know when something's off. And so I went and said hey, dad, you know how you're doing. It's like, ok, it's just you know, a little week because he had fallen out of bed he fell.

Joe : 6:59

Yeah, so you know which is an alarm right there. But he's like I'm OK, I don't feel anything this night and I'm looking at him like something's not off. His speech seemed off. He was very lethargic, very tired, sleeping in the afternoon, which is very unlike him, and his caregiver was saying no, he's just not himself.

Natalie: 7:16

Yeah.

Joe : 7:17

So you know, I'm like are you OK? He's like yeah, I'm OK. Do you think you should get checked? Now, I'm a big proponent of, when it comes to your health, you don't fuck around, because it's better to err on the side of caution than to say or to minimize it, I'm OK, and then find out that you know what there could be a problem. So, long story short, he wasn't good. I went and you know we got Natalie. We drove back down and called the MTS. They came because he wasn't going to listen to us. Those of you who have parents, you know they're not going to rest.

Natalie: 7:44

They're very stubborn.

Joe : 7:45

OK, I'm fine, Just leave me alone. And very often because they don't want to add stress to your life, of course. So that's kind of how he was. So we knew we weren't going to get through to him, we weren't going to get him to the hospital or the doctor. So the MTS came like well, if they suggest it. You know, maybe he'll listen, and that's exactly what happened, thank goodness.

Natalie: 8:03

Right.

Joe : 8:03

And so he went and you know, they did all the tests in the hospital and they found out that he had a heart-related sherry-track infection. Again if you have elderly parents and they're off, get them checked, because it could be fatal. But on top of that, after running all the tests because again I noticed that his speech seemed a little off.

Joe : 8:23

Yeah, it appeared that way to me and they ran the test and they found that that he had blockages to, or a block to, some of the arteries in his brain and now he has to go on blood thinners and the doctor said if they didn't see this at this time, it could have led to a stroke. Yeah, so it's really important that you know those of us who have parents who are still here that we again don't err on the side of caution and do the right thing so that there's no regret.

Joe : 8:52

But to kind of circle back around to today's topic, it's about nobody plans for this.

Natalie: 8:59

Right, you said, is everything. Was just telling my friend the other day I'm like I said before things are good, he's driving, he's doing well, he's back on track and now I can get back on track.

Joe : 9:09

You know the expression man makes plans and God laughs. And again, life does what life does. And I think in those moments we have an opportunity to deal with life. And I always say it's either react or respond, and I think most of the time we react unconsciously and don't even think of it. And again, if we have certain survival mechanisms already in brain, ingrained in our brains, we just do what we do Like for you you know, when you go into survival.

Joe : 9:35

What's what's? What's your mode of operation? What, what do you tend to do?

Natalie: 9:40

I'm either an avoider sometimes or I get very emotional and I just I cry, I I get very like anxious and OK, like overwhelmed emotionally emotionally paralyzed. That's it, Thank you.

Joe : 9:57

Right when I'm the opposite, like you know, like I'm like all right, what do we got to do? But I'll take it all on and I'll start to get stressed and overwhelmed, and then things that don't normally bother me start to bother me, right, and I'll get frustrated, I'll get angry and, if I'm not aware of it, I can take it out on you or the kids or anything else, or anybody else.

Natalie: 10:18

Right. And I do have to say, once I get out of that emotional paralysis, then I'm good to go Right. It's like, well, I have to kind of get through that to do what I have to do, right yeah.

Joe : 10:32

Right and I think that's the key is knowing yourself and giving yourself, like. A lot of us have been wired and have done this since we were children and we have these coping mechanisms that we just use to survive, and that's why the little is called survival mode. But if we're not aware of it, we don't know how to get past it and get out of it. That's where it becomes problems, and you know, I'm confident that if you're listening to this, you have a survival identity and survival mechanism that you tend to default to, and if it's, you see that, you know what? Hey, the way I default actually makes the situation worse and instead of getting through the process, it actually compounds it and it takes the joy, the happiness from my life and it may affect other aspects of your life as well.

Natalie: 11:21

Absolutely, and it's like one thing after another, after another, and it's really having that, the vulnerability to really be true to yourself and to say you know, I need help, I can't do this myself and it's also the strength to know that you could, you and you will get through it.

Joe : 11:43

Right and I think with that it's like and you know we're on a call Monday with the members in our membership group and it's like we have such a hard time admitting that we're human, that you know we have I don't want to say personality flaws, but parts of our personality that may not function the best during stressful times or during other times, and it's almost like if we admit that we're imperfect, there's something wrong with us.

Joe : 12:12

And that's why we try and come on and you know, like trying to say, hey look, I can be an asshole, because I want you to understand that you may be an asshole too when you're stressed out, but that's okay. But how do you learn how to process that and develop your mindset, your skills, your ability to adapt? With what life, so you don't continually to go there and that you go down?

Joe : 12:37

in a different way you go down a different path, one that actually is more empowering, one that makes you feel better, one that allows you to be happy, no matter what's going on. And I think, ultimately, that's my goal, and I know what your goal is that to just deal with whatever's happening in life as if it's just an event. It's like, okay, we're dealing with it. Yeah, is this ideal? No, you know, if we have to be honest, it kind of sucks. What it is what it is, so now let's just deal with it, do the best we can respond appropriately so we can make the choices and decisions to make the best with whatever is happening, as opposed to feeling inundated, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious.

Joe : 13:18

You know, I see that, you know, and I read some statistics recently about, you know, anxiety and like the anxiety levels through the roof and the people who are on medication anti-anxiety medications is like insane, because what happens is we all experience this, and so what do people do? Well, the doctors say we'll just take this pill. Well, that's great, and the pill may make you feel better for a little while and may numb you, but it's not helping you to develop the skills and the strategies to be able to handle life.

Natalie: 13:52

Right and, like Joe said before, it's you know it's developing those coping mechanisms and it's not like you know you have to be super women like I'm going to do this and it doesn't matter, and I'm. You know, you could still have feelings and you can share your emotions, and you could be upset, you can be scared, you can, you can cry whatever you need to do, and that's okay, but while still being able to cope and then handle the situation.

Joe : 14:22

And I think what you just said is so important because it's not that you're inhuman, no, you shut down, because I think the first step is actually to feel what you're feeling, and I think one of the things that you and I have really worked on is to honor how we're feeling. Right, if I'm like upset or something's bothering or such like, I'll sit down. Hey, can I talk to you? You know, I'm feeling this because just sometimes, just getting it out I think so many times is is we've learned not to, especially as men. You know, there's a, there's a great article out there. It's called the silence of man and it's, like you know, especially for women, if you're married or in a relationship or you want men to open up and be vulnerable, and men have been taught since they're little boys be quiet, shut up, suck it up.

Natalie: 15:07

Don't cry.

Joe : 15:08

Big boys, Don't cry. You know that's not a man. What are you? A was. So it's been ingrained and indoctrinated in us, so not to feel to suppress, to shut down our feelings, which is so fucking unhealthy. And so I think, as a society, as a culture, we're taught not to feel, and so we've learned to suppress our feet, our fears, our emotions. And so I think the first thing you said is vital is, you know, is to feel feel your feelings.

Natalie: 15:40

There's nothing wrong with that If you're if you're pissed off, if you're frustrated.

Joe : 15:44

If you know, I remember a couple of years ago I was pissed and I was like I was, you know, cursing God, like you couldn't believe I went for.

Joe : 15:52

You know when I get to that point and it takes a lot for me to get there, but I'm like I got to get out of here and I just left and I was like God. I don't feel like I was throwing f bombs at the big guy and all this other stuff, because I was in at that point so much emotional pain and so frustrated with what I was experiencing at that part of my life, but just getting that out you know, feels good.

Joe : 16:20

Yeah, and it's like okay, it's kind of like I've had my little tirade, okay, I got it all out. Now let me deal with what I'm dealing with. It's not God's fault. This is just life doing what life's doing. Now, what can I do in response to what life is doing, versus reacting and getting all emotional and making what's the word Like just?

Joe : 16:47

quick Like an irrational decision kind of yeah quick, irrational choices and decisions, just because I just need to do something, but not really thinking it through, not really seeing through, not really processing what's happening. I think again, going back earlier, what we were saying earlier I think so much in life is we're so reactionary because we haven't learned to process our feelings and then get them out of the way. Go okay. Now what I wanna do.

Natalie: 17:10

Yeah, and that's the thing. It's like, you know, when everything was happening with my dad, I have a family member, you know, then it's actually my aunt. You know she'll call me up and she'll say this is you know? She'll like this is happening and this is happening and your father's doing this and he's doing that, and I don't know. You know like she'll get all, like you said, irrational Cause she's scared. Of course, it's usually fear when you're being irrational, but it's like, okay, let's calm down and let's look at the facts. Tell me exactly what's going on. You know, what do you see, and I will tell you what's normal, what's not and what we're gonna do.

Joe : 17:45

Right and I think that again that's so key is because Excuse me. Your brain will see what you're wired to see. So if you're wired to when you're in survival is to look at the worst and to see the worst. That's what you're going to see and, as you say, it's irrational. It's not really true. You know we talked about this earlier today, but I don't know who told me. I think it may have been my grandmother, but 90% of the things that we worry about never happened.

Joe : 18:15

And of the 10% that do. Worrying isn't gonna change whether it's gonna happen.

Joe : 18:20

It's like you know, use the example Okay, well, you know, be careful, you could get in a car accident like worrying about whether you're gonna get in a car accident. That you're either gonna get in a car accident or you're not, so worrying about it possibly happening isn't going to change, but the stress of worrying about what could happen that you have no control over is really irrational and it's very unhealthy, and I think that's what a lot of us do is we project all worry and fears to things that probably aren't gonna happen, versus just processing from a healthy space. Okay, well, I'm here, that could happen, right. So, like, if you're driving down the road, okay, it's icy out.

Joe : 19:01

Okay well, it's icy out, so I have to prepare to understand how to drive on the ice or be cautious, or take another road. Instead of taking that hill, I'll take the flat road when now, yes, you're seeing potential obstacles, but you're not worried, you're not stressed, you're not paralyzed by that emotion, that fear which causes anxiety.

Natalie: 19:21

Right, and that's the thing, especially when you get those curveballs that are. You know, some are tragic and you just have to kinda all right, what am I gonna do instead of, you know, going crazy and oh my God, and being overly emotional. Feel your feelings. Okay, now what's the next step? You know, and sometimes it's really hard and sometimes it'll take a little while before you can get to that next step, and that's, excuse me, I have a tickle.

Joe : 19:50

That's where it's important to have, you know, that support system in place and I also think it's important to have that awareness of OK, this is where I tend to go down that path, yeah, and it's realizing that I don't have to go down that path. There's a better path. But until you process your feelings and acknowledge where you're at, it becomes much harder. So we want to know from you, when you go into survival, what is it that you do when you life-hand you a curveball, do you just go with it and process your emotions and just deal with it, or do you go into fear? Do you go into worry, into doubt, analysis, paralysis, overthinking, feeling overwhelmed?

Natalie: 20:37

Or do you become stressed out?

Joe : 20:38

Yeah, Do you become angry? Do you get frustrated? Do you take that on those around you? Does it affect your health? Do you over Like? What is it? What's your go-to when you're in that fight or flight?

Natalie: 20:49

Yeah, or are you the strong one? Are you the one that takes the bull by the horns and helps everybody else through it? Because there are some people that do that too, and that's great. You're a lot like that, joe's a lot like that, which is a good thing.

Joe : 21:03

When things happen when these curveballs are thrown at it, and I guess when you go through enough things in life, you kind of just realize OK, this is kind of how it is, and so you just learn and this is what I learned from my mom you'll get through it, you'll get through it, we'll get through it. And that's the key is that, no matter what your, the beautiful thing is, no matter what you're going to experience under there, there's not multiple, multiple people who haven't gone through pretty much the same thing. They may not have gone through it exactly the way you have done it at the exact same time, but whether it's losing a loved one, having a parent who is dealing with an illness, dealing with your own illness, there's somebody, somewhere, somehow, who has gone through the same thing. In my philosophy, if somebody else has gone through that and has gotten past it and through it, that's the person that I want to model, that's the person I want to learn from.

Joe : 21:57

Not the one who would just say, oh, it's so difficult, it's so hard, life is so stressful. Yeah, it can be, but it doesn't have to be. Exactly, and that's really the goal. So anything else before we wrap it up.

Natalie: 22:09

No, thank you for listening. Always reach out. Our information is in the description of the podcast. We would love if you rate our podcast. It really helps us and get the word out there.

Joe : 22:21

Yeah, and, as always, if you know one person that you feel can benefit from this maybe they're going through a hard time, maybe life is throwing them some curveballs, you know send them the information. You'll pass this along to them. It may be what they need to get them back on the right track to start feeling better and enjoying their life and getting better with age as well.

Natalie: 22:40

Absolutely All right. We love and appreciate it. We'll see you next week.

Joe : 22:43

Bye-bye.