74: Embracing Faith and Community in the Adventure of Parenting

Hello listeners! Whether you're in the midst of parenting challenges or just looking for a dose of inspiration, this one's for you! Coming off the celebration of Mother's Day, we wanted to share this encouraging conversation between Caitlin Peluszak, an elementary educator and active person of HOPE and Amanda Cavaliere, Marriage & Parenting Coordinator. Today we're talking specifically about elementary age kiddos, but we think anyone can find wisdom and joy through their words! Special thanks to Caitlin for joining in today!

Thanks for being a part of the HOPE community as we continue conversations about faith and hope! You can learn more at meethope.org or find us on socials @meethopechurch. Join in for worship on Sundays at meethope.live! Have a question? Contact us at podcast@meethope.org.

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Transcript

Intro: 0:03

Welcome to the Meet Hope podcast, where we have conversations about faith and hope. Hope is one church made of people living out their faith through two expressions in person and online. We believe a hybrid faith experience can lead to a growing influence in our community and our world for the sake of others. Welcome to Hope.

Amanda Cavaliere: 0:27

Hi and welcome to the Meet Hope podcast. I'm Amanda Cavallieri. I'm the director of Tamarosa Pre-School and also the coordinator of marriage and parenting here at Hope, and I am excited because I get to sit down with a friend of mine today, caitlin Beluzak.

Caitlin Peluszak: 0:41

Hi Caitlin, Hi Amanda, how are you? It's so good to have you here. I'm so excited to be here.

Amanda Cavaliere: 0:47

A couple months ago earlier in 2024, we had our parenting in 2024 workshop and you spoke at one of the sessions. You spoke to parents of kids in the elementary ages. So that's what we're going to talk about today. But before we jump into that, can you just let everybody know a little bit about you, who you are, your family, your job, your connection to Hope, all those good things, Sure.

Caitlin Peluszak: 1:14

Well, I have lived in Voorhees since I got married to my husband, chris. We have four boys. They are 12, 10 and eight-year-old twins so busy, so busy and so loud. I teach in a local elementary school and I taught special education for 17 years and at that point the librarian in our school retired and I thought that sounds like a really fun thing to do. I like to read, so I already had my master's in special education, so I only needed six graduate classes to get the certification from the librarian.

Caitlin Peluszak: 1:48

Now, that's what I do.

Amanda Cavaliere: 1:49

Oh, that's so fun, it's the best. Yes, yes, I've been in elementary school for 10 years. I taught first grade and I just. The library was always so lovely and calm.

Caitlin Peluszak: 2:00

It's really my favorite place to be with kids and without kids, so what's your connection to Hope here? So we've been coming here since I was pregnant with the twins. So this is we've been here almost a decade now. Wow, I help back in the kids wing, I teach on Sunday mornings and my husband plays in the worship band, and we've already got my oldest volunteering in the kids wing when he's not going to the middle school. Sunday school.

Amanda Cavaliere: 2:26

So you're raising children in this elementary and middle school age. You are working with children in an elementary school. You are volunteering on Sundays with children in elementary. Lots of kid time, lots of kid time, and you are such an expert in this in this age bracket because of all those things Definitely have a lot of experience, lots of experience, lots of wisdom. So let's share some of that today with our listeners.

Amanda Cavaliere: 2:53

So if you were talking to a parent whose kids are in this age range, these elementary years, what's one of the most important things that you would want to say to them?

Caitlin Peluszak: 3:04

Oh, it's so tiring, isn't it? Oh, yes, I think I would say I feel you. I know it's so tiring, it's relentless, it's long days, it's thankless, it's all. It sounds so negative, but I think people need to feel seen and heard, and so often in social media we just see these candy coated images of life and that's not it at all. So I think the best analogy I've ever heard about parenting was a relation to getting onto a roller coaster where they put a shoulder harness over your shoulders.

Caitlin Peluszak: 3:37

And the first thing you do is push the harness out to make sure it's not going to go anywhere, and the analogy was to that of kids pushing boundaries. Oh and you are the shoulder harness, the parent is the shoulder harness and the kids just push and push and push and push because they want to make sure you're not going anywhere, because things get tough and they need that stability.

Amanda Cavaliere: 3:55

Yes, and it's exhausting, it's so tiring. So how do you set and hold those boundaries? What are some things that you do?

Caitlin Peluszak: 4:07

I think the important thing to remember is deciding on your core values. What are the values of your family? What do you hold near and dear to you when you're raising your kids? In our house, we focus on compassion and kindness and a helpful attitude and being positive and giving grace, and so if you can just focus on those values I'm not gonna say you can let everything fall by the wayside, but that's how you can determine what really matters and what you're really gonna fight for and what you let go for the day. If compassion is important to my family, then I am never gonna let my kids be anything but that. But if you don't wanna wear your coat, then what am I gonna do? I mean, you're 10.

Amanda Cavaliere: 4:54

That's a real fight with 10-year-olds.

Caitlin Peluszak: 4:57

It's a fight with shorts, t-shirts Today, mm. And is it worth having? I mean, I think at some point you have to let them feel the consequence of their own decision. Maybe you'll go outside, maybe you won't be cold and maybe your day will go as you planned, but maybe you'll be cold, maybe you won't be allowed outside because your teacher says you don't have a coat on. At some point we have to give up that control. We can't be in all the places at all the times, and so I have this very small little basket of things I can control and everything else. I think you just have to hope and pray that God's gonna take care of it the way that he intends to, and trust in his will and pray that maybe his will is the same as your will.

Amanda Cavaliere: 5:45

Well, and that is as our kids age, we have less and less control. Right when they are babies and toddlers and preschoolers, we're controlling their time and what they can eat and who they play with and when they go to bed, and all of those things. And then, as they get older and they're not with us for as long in the day and can now go choose who they wanna spend their time with, we have a whole lot less control, sure, and that's scary, yes, and that's where I think those values come into play.

Caitlin Peluszak: 6:22

If I'm sending you out in the world to be compassionate and kind, hopefully you're choosing friends who are compassionate and kind as well, and I don't have control over who you play with on the playground, but if you come home and ask to have a play date with someone that I don't necessarily think is the right match for you, then I do have control over that Right. So I think the power is where you can control and also in how you're preparing them for the world.

Amanda Cavaliere: 6:48

Yeah, that's really good.

Caitlin Peluszak: 6:50

I don't know. Thanks, is that right? I think that's right. There's no right or wrong in parenting.

Amanda Cavaliere: 6:55

We just, you know, you just throw things at the wall until something sticks.

Caitlin Peluszak: 6:58

That's right. That's right, and they are. I think you know what. That's another thing. They're listening, they're listening. When you think they're not listening, they're listening. I hear it in the way that they speak to each other when they're in good moods. When they're in not so good moods maybe it's not ideal, but when they are at their best, I hear love coming out of their mouth. So I think, just hold on to that little glimmer of their listening. They know, they know.

Amanda Cavaliere: 7:24

Yeah, I mean, everything we do is modeling for them. So, which is hard? Because we screw up? We sure do, we screw up all the time as parents right All day, every day, yeah so what do you do about that?

Caitlin Peluszak: 7:38

I think, just I think being introspective enough to know when you've messed up and being transparent enough to admit to them that you've messed up. I don't really recall being apologized to as a child, really ever.

Caitlin Peluszak: 7:56

Yeah, and that's no fault of my parents. It was a generational thing. Yes, you just didn't apologize. And not only did I not hear it spoken directly to me, I never saw anyone say it to anyone. So I'm trying to teach my kids that I mess up. I've never done this before. I tell my oldest all the time. I've never raised a 12 year old before. Right, so sorry, but you're the key pig.

Amanda Cavaliere: 8:16

The other three are gonna say that I've been really well, except they're all different.

Caitlin Peluszak: 8:19

So that's just, it's a shoot anyway, but anyway. But yeah, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that thing. I got so frustrated and I didn't mean it, and if I could take it back I could, but I can't. So I'm hoping that you're going to show me the grace that I'm telling you to show everybody. And again, I think they do listen. On occasion I do hear them say, either when pressed or maybe organically to their brothers I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I'm sorry, I'm in a really bad mood, and it just becomes more comfortable. Right, nobody wants to have to apologize because nobody wants to admit that they're wrong. But if you make it comfortable to be wrong and comfortable to make mistakes, then it's easier to say, hey, I messed up, oh well, I've done that too, we've all messed up, so it's just a comfort level.

Amanda Cavaliere: 9:06

Yeah, that's good. Sometimes I find, when I don't know, as they're getting older in the elementary age you even have a middle school Emotions can sometimes run high. The hormones start kicking in.

Caitlin Peluszak: 9:22

I was just gonna say the hormones are so delightful.

Amanda Cavaliere: 9:25

And it's starting earlier and earlier in elementary school really and sometimes those can just really get out of control.

Caitlin Peluszak: 9:34

And then you feel it right, like they're heightened, and then you're heightened and they're rude, and then you're rude because it's just Like all the intensity now is going up in the naps.

Caitlin Peluszak: 9:43

right it's building because we're only human right and I think again I promise I'm not trying to throw my own parents under the bus, but like they just didn't know in the 80s and the 70s and during those decades, that like there's a level of emotional regulation that we all need to have and it's hard, it's hard to know how to do it and it's hard to teach our kids to do it, because we're still learning how to do it ourselves. So that's really difficult and I think you do need to figure out your own way to stay regulated. So what do you do? Well, I've been known to lock myself in my bedroom every once in a while with kids banging on the door and I try.

Caitlin Peluszak: 10:20

I'm not always successful, but I do try to verbalize what I'm doing. When I do it, I'm feeling so frustrated right now I need a break, and then I come back and say I was feeling frustrated. You know, sometimes I think it's important to say your words or your behavior made me feel a certain way. I think they need to see that that their actions and behavior have effects on other people and consequences on a situation and a relationship. I also have a little basket of like putty and a crossword puzzle book and my crocheting.

Caitlin Peluszak: 10:52

It's just stuff that I can pick up that's kind of mindless, so that I can get my brain off of whatever is bothering me. I can try to get my body calmer again and then from there move forward with a more level head. Because if I'm mad and you're mad, we're getting nowhere, and we know that right. We tell our kids that this is not a time for you to figure out what's wrong. This is a time for you to go your own ways, get yourself calm and come back and talk about it later. And that holds true for us too.

Amanda Cavaliere: 11:17

I love that you are using words with it, though, and saying I am feeling frustrated so I am taking a break.

Caitlin Peluszak: 11:23

Sometimes it's my only way of not losing my mind because my choices are screaming or I am feeling frustrated. It's almost like a rote thing. I'm feeling so frustrated, it's just the words that come out and I'm gonna break.

Amanda Cavaliere: 11:36

Yes, yes, because I mean they see you leave the room or take a walk or shut the door.

Caitlin Peluszak: 11:41

But right, but understanding the why is so important and granting permission for them. Yes, right, you're feeling mad. Go take a break, it's okay. It's okay. We all need you to take a break. Just go, please take a break.

Amanda Cavaliere: 11:53

We all are about to take a break. We're taking a break.

Caitlin Peluszak: 11:56

Yes, yes, it gives them permission too. So and then it helps you, yeah.

Amanda Cavaliere: 12:00

Yeah, if mom can do it and dad can do it, I can do it too. Right, and that's okay. Right, and it's. That's different for everybody too. It is what they need to self-regulate.

Caitlin Peluszak: 12:11

I have a lot. A few of my kids like to use those fidgets, just because it's mindless enough, right. But it gets their focus off of whatever was bothering them. It helps their body feel calm. One of my sons likes to use Play-Doh. The other one will go outside and bounce a basketball when he's frustrated, right. Another one puts on noise-canceling headphones because he's just overstimulated. I mean, it's different for everybody, right. And I think figuring that out when you're calm is important, because when you're in the moment, you're just in the moment and there's no rationale for anyone, right. So you have to kind of think on that when you're regulated, to think what could I use in those moments to just take a breather and take a step back?

Amanda Cavaliere: 12:48

Yes, and go back to those core values Right.

Caitlin Peluszak: 12:52

Right, like I know that sometimes I get really flustered by my own children fighting with each other, like I don't even have input in it and they're just arguing and they bring it to me and I don't even know what happened. But I think, if you can say, I don't know what you're fighting about, I wasn't there. I don't know who said what to whom, I don't know who touched what when, but I do know that we give each other grace in this house. I know that our rule is kindness and somewhere along the line someone's not giving grace, someone's not giving kindness. You know, insert your value there, however it works for your family. But if you can keep going back to that, then there's no question about what we're trying to do here.

Amanda Cavaliere: 13:27

No, that's so good. Recently my two kids got into an argument upstairs. They're supposed to be, you know, like showering and getting ready for.

Caitlin Peluszak: 13:36

Minding their own business. Minding their own business.

Amanda Cavaliere: 13:38

One child comes down and says he said I gave me a story. The other kid comes down and said she said both of them let the part out of what they did wrong to each other.

Amanda Cavaliere: 13:53

Right, it was just the other flawless Right and so once you put all the pieces together, I'm like, huh, everybody's at fault. I'm not sure what happened. I said I'm not sure what happened, but I'm certain that you weren't being kind, right, and that's it. Yeah, I said I'm certainly not being kind, and in this house we're kind, and you know what would be kind right now if you both go and fold the laundry basket and practice that kindness, that's it. Help each other out and they looked.

Caitlin Peluszak: 14:19

I'm like no, I'm serious, go do it. Yep, I saw an image on Instagram years ago and it was this mother who had like an oversized undershirt and it was like the get along shirt. It said. She wrote in marker the get along shirt and she put both of her kids in the get along shirt and they had to like hug it out. As an aside, I'm so glad to hear this fight in your house is happening, because I feel like, even even though we're all honest about how like hard parenting is like, until you hear those actual war stories, you're like surely this is only me. Like, surely no one's house is as ridiculous as mine.

Amanda Cavaliere: 14:47

We are all in the same boat. I can tell you many stories like that.

Caitlin Peluszak: 14:52

We should do another podcast where we just tell ridiculous stories that happen and we could just, you know, we could call it commiseration. Yeah, just all commiserate together. There you go.

Amanda Cavaliere: 15:01

Oh my gosh, that's too funny. So I mean, this age is is neat. We talked about how our kids are spending less time with us. There's the less control that we have. They are choosing their own friendships. They're also learning how to develop a faith of their own, and so what are some things that we, as parents, can do? As you work back here with Hope Kids, you help teach the Bible class and the communion class and all VBS so many things. What are some things that we parents can do with kids in this age to help them develop a faith of their own? Because it's not just ours anymore.

Amanda Cavaliere: 15:40

They're learning how to do these things on their own.

Caitlin Peluszak: 15:43

I think, obviously, that first list of what you value is most important. But if you're a Christian, we are called to be Christ-like, and so I always think back to those bracelets from the 90s, wwjd. What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do? What would he do? Would he speak out for injustice? Would he stand up for the kid who's getting picked on? Would he fight to get in the shower first with his brother? Or would he give grace? I don't know.

Caitlin Peluszak: 16:09

I think every time you teach or parent or show or demand a value from your children as a follower of Christ, it points back to him. It always does. There's just no way around it. Pastor Jeff said, I think a few years ago now, people who would say, oh, I'm a good person, I don't need to be a Christian, he would say by whose standard? It's by Christ's standard. That's the standard we're all trying to live up to, and I think the more time that you're here in church both going to church and the worship space and sending your kids back to hope kids, it all just comes together and it becomes more normalized to talk about in your house. Jesus was kind, jesus was caring, jesus helped people accountable, and that's what I'm doing. I'm also showing that example. I'm holding you accountable as someone that I love. So I think sometimes we do it and we don't even know it Right.

Caitlin Peluszak: 17:05

Then there's other ways we say our prayers. At night, we try to talk about the pray acronym praise, repent, ask, yield. I think that's a very logical, step-by-step way of reminding our kids how to talk to God, but also that they can just talk to him whenever. I will frequently say both out of desperation and honesty when my kids are like I can't sleep, I'm like you should tell God about it. I really just need you to go to bed. But also, when I can't sleep, I pray.

Caitlin Peluszak: 17:36

I have worries that are keeping me up. I have thoughts that are keeping me up. Give them to God. God take this. I've told my youngest. Just keep saying that over and over again God, take this worry, god take this worry, god take this worry. And he gets up the next morning and he'll say God took my worry. Say ha, ha. It works. So I just think there's easy ways and the deeper we are in our faith, the deeper we can help them become in their faith. You can't teach something that you don't know Right. So I think that's a really important piece. We can want that for our kids. We also have to have it for ourselves.

Amanda Cavaliere: 18:09

So taking care of our own.

Caitlin Peluszak: 18:10

I think so.

Amanda Cavaliere: 18:11

Walk with Christ is being.

Caitlin Peluszak: 18:15

It's a good steward of those values.

Amanda Cavaliere: 18:17

Yes, and so you taking the time for yourself Right and modeling it for them, and it sounds like your family values, being a church together, being a worship, praying together those are all such important things that we can be doing with our kids.

Caitlin Peluszak: 18:36

I think so. I think they need to see it. It just sets the tone and of course, they can make their own choices. Like you said, they grow up and they make their own choices and they have their own beliefs. But hopefully it will be such a tool to them that they don't know how to do their life without it Right, I don't know how to do it in my own life. I know my husband doesn't know how to do it in his Right. Yeah, I think that modeling is really important too.

Amanda Cavaliere: 19:01

Yeah, and when we don't know what to do or our kids are making choices that are out of our control, what do we do?

Caitlin Peluszak: 19:08

I mean, what do we do? Right? We have to pray on it, we have to give it to God. We have to say I've recently I've heard of this before, but I've kind of come back to it I've recently become really bold in my prayer this is what I want for my kids, this is what I want. It's God's will. He'll have his way, but this is what I want and he knows that anyway. We don't even need to tell him what we want for our kids. He knows. But just being able to speak it and have power over that thought, I want my kids to make good friend choices. I want them to be able to read. I don't want them to struggle. Or, if they do struggle, I want there to be a purpose and just it gives.

Caitlin Peluszak: 19:48

I always struggled with the idea of just give it to God, just give it to God. What does that look like? What does that even mean? Give it to God? I don't. I don't understand. It feels like I have to put it in a balloon and send it up into the sky.

Caitlin Peluszak: 19:57

But I think for me, writing down my prayers is helpful, because I'm a verbal person, so I need the words to match what I'm thinking and also recognizing that he does have a plan. And I think that's what it means. When you give something to God, you have to say if I'm gonna say I'm Christian and if I'm gonna say I follow Jesus, then I have to also believe that there is a plan, a plan for good. Just like you know, we had that scripture on the nursery wall from Jeremiah plans I have are good right, so we have to trust that, and I think that's what it means. It's saying I have no control over this. I actually have to say those words sometimes. I have zero control over this, I am up the creek, but that is not right, Right, right.

Caitlin Peluszak: 20:44

So I think just saying this is what I want. But I know you have a plan and I know that it will work out, and all over my life I've seen it work out In the darkest of times. It has always worked out in some way.

Amanda Cavaliere: 20:57

Remembering how God is faithful, just being faithful to that thought. Yeah, and I think when we're teaching our kids to pray, and when they're young like this, sometimes we forget, because we're adults, that what they are worried about or what they're scared about, to us is small but to them it's their world. It's huge. So when they say, you know, I'm worried about this test, or this friend wasn't nice, and we say that's okay, you don't need to worry about it, right? That just negates it.

Caitlin Peluszak: 21:24

It does.

Amanda Cavaliere: 21:24

And to them, this is their world.

Caitlin Peluszak: 21:26

It is.

Amanda Cavaliere: 21:27

So getting done, and let's pray about that test. And for us it might seem silly, but for them it's how we can teach right From the very beginning.

Caitlin Peluszak: 21:35

Oh, I can go to God with a worry about a spelling test or a friend or whatever it might be, Everything they're experiencing is the worst, is the lowest low they've ever had, Because it just I mean, without sounding negative it just gets worse from here. I mean it is not fun being a grown up, so every low they experience is the lowest they've ever felt, and so that's huge. Yes, that's huge.

Amanda Cavaliere: 21:58

Yes, oh, this has been great. I wish we could talk forever.

Caitlin Peluszak: 22:01

I love chatting with you.

Amanda Cavaliere: 22:03

I know it's so much fun. I love talking to you too. What would you, would you say? There's one or two big takeaways that you would want parents to know from our time.

Caitlin Peluszak: 22:11

I think it's just find those like-minded, like-valued people and trust them and trust their opinions and work together, because it really does take a village and power to the homeschooling parents, because I could never teach my own children academics and, similarly, even though I go to church and I lead in the kids wing, they need other people speaking that into them Absolutely. So I think, not only helping them find their right people, but introducing the right people to them, bringing them to those spaces where the right people are, that's great and, honestly, that goes for every age of our kids, as they get into those teen years and beyond.

Amanda Cavaliere: 22:53

we want those trusted adults speaking into them, not just us.

Caitlin Peluszak: 22:58

This is my first experience and I teach in the elementary school where my kids go. I teach in the kids wing here at church where they are. So having a middle schooler is the first time I've ever sent one of my children out away from me at school in Hope Youth.

Intro: 23:15

And.

Caitlin Peluszak: 23:15

I'm just so grateful for Joyce at the middle school, sunday school and Jason and all the adults that pour into the kids there. He says it's the one joy of his week and I'm so grateful for it that he has a place, that he looks forward to going and he can get the values and he can hear it from someone other than me. Because, while they are listening. Sometimes they're not.

Amanda Cavaliere: 23:39

And sometimes they get tired of hearing our voices, and sometimes I'm tired of hearing my own voice.

Caitlin Peluszak: 23:43

So I'm glad somebody else could speak it to him. Absolutely.

Amanda Cavaliere: 23:47

Well, this has been wonderful. You have so much wisdom to share.

Caitlin Peluszak: 23:50

Oh, that's very nice. Thank you for sharing it.

Amanda Cavaliere: 23:52

Thank you for asking me to do this, and thank you to all of our listeners. We are so grateful to have you here at our Meet Hope podcast and I encourage you to keep listening as we bring wisdom and love into the lives of others.

Intro: 24:12

Thanks for being a part of the Hope community as we continue our conversations about faith and hope. If you don't already, please join us for worship on Sundays or on demand. You can learn more at meethopeorg or find us on socials at meethopechurch.