1-18 The Universe Of Teeth

In which Bethany and Jonas experience the unbridled joy that is the holidays.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Jack  
Joe Hanson as Jacque  
Katie Ploetz as Jake  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

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Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

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Transcript

The Universe Of Teeth - Final
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention, Holiday Celebrators, this is an automatic announcement
informing you that your cake creation and decoration time is now half over. Remember, it is a
demeritable fault if you are not using the whole of your cake creation and decoration time to
both create and decorate a cake in an appropriately festive holiday fashion. Holiday-ness is not
productivity, but it is required by outdated and stifling legislation that we’re working to eradicate.
JONAS: Bethany?
BETHANY: Jonas, I’m not good at cakes, I’ve burnt myself three times already on the black goo
for the portable cake boiler, and I am beyond frustrated, whatever you’re going to say next had
better be good news.
JONAS: We don’t have any decorations.
BETHANY: What do you think good news is?
JONAS: All news is good news.
BETHANY: That’s publicity, Jonas, not news.
JONAS: News is just free, boring, publicity. Now what are we gonna do about the decorations?
We can’t submit a naked cake. It’s unethical.
BETHANY: Well, are you planning on eating the cake?
JONAS: That’s what cake is for.
BETHANY: Okay, yeah, but if we don’t eat it, a universe of decoration options open up to us. So
we will have our cake, we will NOT eat it too, and you will pass me that stapler and go find more
shiny office supplies.
JONAS: But…but…but if I can’t eat the cake, how am I going to regurgitate it from my Glendale
sack into the holiday mug for the dousing of the gifts?
Sounds of stapling.
BETHANY: Well you’re gonna have to eat around the staples then, or give a good pep talk to
your esophagus, this is all we’ve got in our budget. Now find us some fake frosting!
JONAS: I bet the laundry facilities have real frosting on their cake…
BETHANY: Yeah, well, they also have self-respect, not to mention they didn’t have to hold a
funeral for an Artificial Intelligence that was an esteemed employee for enough time that it
started accumulating rights.
JONAS: Look, we both agreed not to bring this up anymore, I told you I was sorry for ordering
the expensive casket.
BETHANY: You absolutely did not say that you were sorry for that, and now we don’t have
frosting. Action, meet reaction. Oh, look, consequences.
JONAS: Well, leave me a good eatin’ path through the staples then, because somebody has to
celebrate this holiday properly in this department. Which would be much easier, by the way, if I
was allowed to lead this particular project, my humble and reverent supervisor.
BETHANY: You’ve said that so many times this month that it’s lost all meaning. Only the senior
member can lead a holiday party, them’s the rules. You don’t like it, you know which form to fill
out.
JONAS: But you’re the one that approves that form, and you never sign it!
The sound of stapling stops.
BETHANY: And I’m stopping now. Find some frosting, Junior Employee, and make this cake
look as festive as possible before inspection. I am officially out of staples and have done my
duty. Can you handle that?
JONAS: You’re talking to somebody literally quoted in the Book of Festivity on four separate
instances.
BETHANY: There’s no Book of Festivity.
JONAS: You’re mean.
BETHANY: Get frosting, Jonas.
Time passes.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention Holiday Celebrators, this is an automatic announcement informing
you that your cake creation and decoration time has now expired. Please refrain from adding or
removing any more decoration from your cake, and please remember to extinguish any sources
of heat. This means you, Martin. Everybody remember, the safest thing you can do this holiday
season is to be nothing like Martin. A reminder, it is a demeritable fault to not use the entirety of
this official waiting period for waiting. Please refrain from cake consumption until an official
Holiday Inspector has judged and reviewed your cake. Productivity is not Holiday-ness, and it
will soon be recognized as such.
JONAS: I think it looks good.
BETHANY: It’s certainly a cake.
JONAS: It’s festive.
BETHANY: I’m sure the staples will be crunchy, and that tape you added should have a pleasant
chew, for you.
JONAS: I’m pretty proud of the holiday oval.
BETHANY: Mhmm.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Jonas?
JONAS: Yeah?
BETHANY: I honestly don’t know how you’ve done this, that’s a perfect circle.
JONAS: Huh?
BETHANY: Look at it.
JONAS: It is not.
BETHANY: It’s like you did it with a stamp.
JONAS: You know I’m not allowed to have stamps.
BETHANY: You drew a perfect circle without any assistance and you’re telling me that’s an
oval?
JONAS: It’s...a…holiday…oval.
BETHANY: Be sure to tell that to the inspector then, because it is not very clear..
PATRICIA: Oh, the inspector knows.
Jonas lets out a small screech.
PATRICIA: Happy holidays to you too.
JONAS: (Breathing heavily.) Happy…holidays…sorry…scared me…
PATRICIA: You must be Jonas. So nice to see what’s become of the department, Bethany, you
must be so proud of the startled results of your training. I believe the Official Holiday Greeting is
in order, is it not?
BETHANY: Happy Holidays, Patricia, I didn’t know they had you doing Holiday Inspection, I
figured that’d be beneath you at this point. You’re not Sub-President, yet?
PATRICIA: Management loves volunteers, and they hate sarcasm, by the way, but you wouldn’t
have had a chance to learn that. I just had to volunteer to pay my old friend a visit at the place
where it all started, and…oh…just be thankful that everything worked out like it did. Is that your
final cake, or a decoy to make the real one look better?
JONAS: Hey!
BETHANY: That’s our cake.
PATRICIA: It’s a real cake? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you didn’t have the budget for real
cake. I’d say that might be an Almost-Cake.
BETHANY: Technically, yes, I’m forced to agree with you.
PATRICIA: Oh, poor Bethany. Your official holiday judgment will begin now.
(Pen scratching in the background as Patricia takes notes)
Item 1, office decor. In a word, lacking. Streamers and artworks are not hung with a
jaunty nature, kitsch has barely brought any life to the cold bleakness of the office space, and
the portable Smell-O-lizer is giving off a particularly pungent aroma that is mixing with
disinfectant from the Waste Removal locations in the hall to make some sort of noxious gas.
The closest thing to decor in this room is the shining, gilded casket collecting the dust of
failures.
Item 2, Personal Holiday Embodiment. Two employees stand before me not plump and
aquiver with cheer, but dour and beaten down with the worries of life. Their holiday mittens are
alternately covered with staples and what looks to be industrial strength highlighter, and the
distributed company holiday caps have had the size adjuster adjusted, disqualifying them from
being returned and recycled in a clear act of aggression against the intergalactic environmental
policies that this company has long acknowledged.
Finally, Item 3, the holiday cake. Or, in this case, the Almost-Cake, which is allowed by
the guidelines, though it is frowned upon. It’s covered with staples and tape. It’s glowing a faint
yellow. And I really don’t think there’s much more to say about that. And with that, your holiday
spirit has been judged. Please eat your cake.
JONAS: What about my oval?
PATRICIA: It’s a circle, and it needs to be eaten.
JONAS: Okay.
JONAS begins eating the cake.
PATRICIA: Bethany, please join your coworker.
BETHANY: Look, Jonas is already eating the cake, there’s no need to -
PATRICIA: Bethany, please join your coworker in consuming the holiday cake…please.
BETHANY: (With restrained emotion.) Of course. Whatever you say, Patricia.
BETHANY begins eating the cake.
PATRICIA: Given the staggering amount of blood flowing from both of your mouths, as well as
the rapid tooth decay that Jonas seems to be suffering, likely from the industrial highlighter, I’m
not only giving you incredibly low ratings, but recommending you for immediate remedial holiday
reeducation and forced volunteer labor, pending approval by a board of my fellow Holiday
Inspectors. We’ll be back after this round of judging and inspection has concluded. Ta ta.
PATRICIA leaves. JONAS talks with a slight slur from here on out because of their teeth.
JONAS: You’ve got a staple on your lip, here, let me just –
BETHANY: Jonas, your teeth are melting, go get that fixed. I’ll stay here and wait for the judges,
this isn’t your fault. I deserve it.
JONAS: Hey now, come on, that sounds like a feeling, you don’t like those…
BETHANY: Yeah I don’t, and your mouth is an actual horror show, you gotta take care of that.
JONAS: These aren’t even my good holiday teeth, it’s not a big deal.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Jonas, how many teeth do you have?
JONAS: You know, the normal amount.
BETHANY: I don’t have multiples of my teeth.
JONAS: The holidays were really important to my family, so I’ve got a few sets of Holiday Teeth,
it’s no big deal.
BETHANY: Aren’t those expensive?
JONAS: Not more than regular teeth. It’s all a part of the holiday cheer.
BETHANY: You really go all in for this holiday stuff, don’t you?
JONAS: I told you, I’m quoted in the book. Four times.
BETHANY: Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry this is such a bad holiday. You shouldn’t have to
be a part of all the nastiness between Patricia and me, that’s not fair.
JONAS: You don’t talk about Patricia much.
BETHANY: We pretty much started together, them a bit before me, we figured out the job, had
some fun, got into a big fight, Patricia got promoted out of the department, I got an AI coworker
that had no idea what luxury it would get put to rest in. (Bethany knocks on the casket) There,
talk.
JONAS: Well they obviously don’t promote based on talent, that’s for sure.
Small pause. Bethany is honestly touched.
BETHANY: Thanks, Jonas, I appreciate that.
JONAS: I mean, it’s obviously an oval…
The joke doesn’t land.
BETHANY: Sure, Jonas, it’s an oval. You drew an oval and the company promoted a vicious
backstabbing liar to a position where they can freely abuse anybody they could maybe hold a
molecule of power over. Happy holidays.
JONAS: That’s it.
BETHANY: What’s it?
JONAS: Holidays. We may be sitting in a windowless office that smells like melted teeth, but it
doesn’t have to be this bad. We’re gonna do the one thing you’d never let me do. We’re
redecorating.
Pause.
BETHANY: Yeah, sure Jonas. With what? We have nothing to redecorate with.
JONAS: Oh, please. We have all these forms with blank space on them, incredibly powerful and
slightly addictive highlighters to use, we can screw in that one light bulb that flickers to add a bit
of party atmosphere, we’ll paint the ovals on our foreheads in white printer ink, it’ll be perfect!
BETHANY: You shouldn’t be here when Patricia gets back. You can leave.
JONAS: As a self proclaimed envoy of festivity itself, as well as my status as somebody quoted
four separate times in the Book of Festivity, I cannot allow this office to remain in such holiday
shambles. Hand me some scissors, it’s confetti time.
BETHANY: Fine, here.
JONAS: You too, here’s your paper stack.
A giant thump.
BETHANY: We only have one pair of scissors.
JONAS: We evolved teeth for a reason, put ‘em to work!
BETHANY: I’m not biting the paper.
JONAS: Well I can’t because of the… you know. Plus, it’d get all bloody and staple-y. Okay, uh,
bring me any spare forms that are light grey and or beige.
BETHANY: Like these?
JONAS: No, lighter grey, more beige-y beige.
BETHANY: These?
JONAS: Perfect. Do you know any holiday songs?
BETHANY: That’s a hard no, drawing a line right there.
JONAS: Had to ask, okay, hand those on over.
Scissor sounds. Decoration sounds. Holiday humming from JONAS.
BETHANY: You have one and a half more hums before I do something which will require
paperwork from both of us.
1.5 hums later.
JONAS: So Patricia is a backstabber and a scoundrel, huh?
BETHANY: I don’t think I said scoundrel, or that I was willing to talk about this.
JONAS: But are they?
BETHANY: Patricia…was in a certain emotional state, saw an opportunity, and took it. I might’ve
done the same thing myself, who knows?
JONAS: I don’t think you would have.
BETHANY: Your input is duly acknowledged.
JONAS: That’s not the kind of person you are. You don’t care about that stuff.
BETHANY: Yep. That’s me. That’s good ol’ Bethany, who doesn’t care about anything.
JONAS: I didn’t say that.
Bethany begins to lose the hold they have on their anger.
BETHANY: No, no, but you did. Maybe not out loud, but that’s how you see me, right?
JONAS: (Taken aback) What? No, I didn’t mean –
The snowball has begun to roll down the hill.
BETHANY: Because that’s how everybody sees me, right? Just Bethany. Just poor ol’ Bethany,
tucked away down in General Data Acquisition and Storage, they don’t have emotions, they
don’t have dreams, they don’t matter, you don’t even have to treat them like a Person because
they're just a shell that somebody made the mistake of hiring once.
JONAS: I –
BETHANY: And you know what, maybe that’s true. Maybe that’s all I am anymore. Maybe I’m
not a person. Maybe I’m just trash. But guess what? Trash HAS emotions. Trash HAS dreams.
Or, at least, it remembers what it was like when it did.
Bethany pauses, attempting to control themselves. They do not.
BETHANY: I do care about things, Jonas, I wish I didn’t. My life would be so much easier if I
could just be the shell everybody wants me to be, but I can’t, I’m trying and I can’t and it’s not
my fault!
A pause. Breathing. Catharsis.
JONAS: I’m sorry.
BETHANY: (Snapping back into “professional mode”) It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. Let’s decorate.
JONAS: We don’t have to –
BETHANY: Jonas, you are my subordinate, now decorate!
JONAS: Okay.
Pause. Hammering. Ripping. Lasers. Melancholy music. Time passes.
JONAS: There. Now this place looks a little more festive, and a little less prison-workhouse-ish.
BETHANY: We’ll see. It’s mostly just repurposed forms and hope.
JONAS: That’s our entire department.
Pause.
BETHANY: Patricia was my direct supervisor even though they were only here a couple of
weeks before me. We worked together for quite a few cycles. We even started the EBI folder
together after we realized we had both been separately holding onto a few stories we liked. We
had a falling out, one of those stupid things that happens sometimes with friends. Just a
disagreement, nothing too bad. I thought we had put it all behind us, but then I got blindsided
when I was dragged into a meeting with Patricia and some higher ups, where I was presented
with all my old scraps of stories that hadn’t made it into the folder. I was punished for spending
company time on non-productive pursuits of happiness, and Patricia was given a promotion for
bringing this to the attention of the company. And it looks like they’ve moved up a few notches
since then, too.
JONAS: Why didn’t they destroy the folder?
BETHANY: Patricia’s name was all over the folder, and they were smart enough to hide it before
they ratted me out. I didn’t find it again for almost half a cycle, hidden away in the least used
and most filthy waste removal location on the ship. Honestly I don’t know why Patricia didn’t
destroy it themself. Maybe the same reason I put it back where it used to be. I don’t know. They
chose an amazing time for it too, what little life I had outside of the ship had pretty much
crumbled into nothing, and they were the only person I had. And then, nobody.
JONAS: I’m sorry. That sounds like a really awful time.
BETHANY: Yeah, well, that’s the corporate ladder for ya. Some people can barely hold onto the
rung they have, and it doesn’t help when others keep stepping on them on their way up.
PATRICIA enters.
PATRICIA: And here we have the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department, in all
it’s…well, not glory, but here it is. Jake, Jack, Jacque, this is Jonas, and Bethany.
JAKE: Hello.
JACK: Hello.
JACQUE: Greetings and salutations, you’ve already been made aware of what we’re doing
here, I’m supposing, and we’re very busy, so I’m afraid the chit-chat is going to have to be rather
short…
PATRICIA: This decor wasn’t on the walls before…
JAKE: Patricia, please, as a Junior Inspector Volunteer you’ve done a great job so far, but we
must be allowed to work unaided for the sake of professionalism and the untainted spirit of the
holiday.
PATRICIA: But they’ve added –
JACK: Decor improvement between first and final judgment is allowed so long as the cake
remains untouched as per regulatory guidelines.
PATRICIA: But -
JACQUE: Your input is duly noted, and now we shall examine and vote.
BETHANY: If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
JACK: What’s this all over the floor and your coworker?
BETHANY: Confetti.
JACK: I like it.
BETHANY: We thought you might.
JAKE: We?
BETHANY: Of course, being a two person department I was the leader in this operation, but
such high ranking officials as yourselves must also be fond of a little bit of delegation every once
in a while?
JACQUE: Absolutely, why do you think we have so many volunteers?
JONAS: Bethany says that it’s important to give me just enough control over a task to learn it,
without letting me forget my place.
JACQUE: Inspired! Such leadership is truly becoming, even in such an unnecessary
department.
BETHANY: I like you Jacque.
JACK: Tell me about this half-eaten cake.
BETHANY: It’s Almost-Cake, actually. Symbolizing the, uh, almost finished fiscal cycle. Staples
and tape to represent the way that we always hold together, and a very circular oval, because
we always…strive…for…perfection.
JACK: A beautiful physical depiction of traditional holiday values, always worth a lot of points
between the three of us. The utmost in holiday passion.
JAKE: Of course, what else could we expect when your underling has been quoted in the Book
of Festivity more than once, am I right, Jonas?
BETHANY: What’s that now?
JONAS: It always pleased all my caregivers to see their children dedicated to the holiday spirit.
JACQUE: As one of the lucky few that has regurgitated cake with them all, you don’t have to tell
me. If there’s one thing about your family Jonas, it’s that you all know how to keep your
regurgitation mugs full, and your gifts suitably doused in vomit.
JONAS: My caregivers would be very proud to hear that, thank you very much. Hosting you has
been the highlight of every cycle you’ve attended.
JACK: Well, Patricia, I can see you’re happy you’re little joke to get us all down here has paid
off, would you believe they told us that this was one of the worst departments? You know,
Patricia, I didn’t even know that you knew that Jonas’ family and mine knew each other.
Information, huh? Well, I mean, I don’t have to tell you, look at where we are! Anyways, I
wouldn’t be too surprised if this department was in the running for “Most Festive”, but of course
we couldn’t say anything like that now, it’d be improper.
JONAS: You flatter us beyond what we deserve, thank you so much for your time and kindness.
With a chorus of “Happy Holidays”, everybody leaves.
BETHANY: What was all that?
JONAS: It went well, huh?
BETHANY: You flatter us?
JONAS: I was flattered. Were you not flattered?
BETHANY: That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you use that word.
JONAS: I don’t get flattered very often.
BETHANY: “It always pleased all my caregivers…” Jonas, you don’t talk like that.
JONAS: It’s just being polite.
BETHANY: Exactly, that never happens, what’s going on here?
JONAS: Well I had to be polite, what if my caregivers heard I was anything less than polite to
somebody on an official holiday committee?
BETHANY: Jonas, your caregivers took out ad space on our announcements just to call you a
moron.
JONAS: Yeah, so imagine what they would do if they caught me being impolite to people in
positions of power. People forget about morons. They like morons. People do not like people
who are impolite.
BETHANY: I’ve never heard that before in my life.
JONAS: When I went away to school, my caregivers gave me a laminated list of rules to follow.
“Be polite” was on the list in 6 separate places.
BETHANY: You went away for school?
JONAS: Only for a couple years. I was informed that boarding school didn’t really suit me, so
after that it was mostly just private tutors. You know how it goes.
BETHANY: You had boarding school and private tutors?
JONAS: Oh, yeah sure, go ahead, make fun of the person that needed tutors, real nice…
BETHANY: Jonas, just in a general sense, how wealthy is your family?
JONAS: Oh, you know. We do alright. We’re not top tier or anything, but we’re comfortable.
BETHANY: Tutors and boarding school sound more than comfortable.
JONAS: Well, three of my caregivers sit on the board of Acquired Fueling Initiatives, one is an
artist, and one is head of meal development for all the prisons in the southern hemisphere back
planetside, so we’re pretty well connected and we do alright. We don’t have, like, 9 houses or
anything though, just the 3 estates and the condo, although that’s more of an investment piece,
or at least that’s the excuse I’ve been given for why I can’t live there. Families, huh?
BETHANY: Jonas, nobody in my family even owns their own property.
JONAS: Oh. Weird.
BETHANY: So after you failed out of boarding school you just hung out with your private tutors
on your estates, huh?
JONAS: Hey, I didn’t fail! I was just uninvited back for the following semester. Doesn’t matter
anyways, after I left my caregivers pulled a lot of their funding from the school and eventually it
had to shut down. So it was gonna close anyways, probably.
BETHANY: And after a few years of that, they shipped you out to me, huh?
JONAS: Kinda. I tried a couple other things first, but they didn’t really fit. They started me out
being the vice-head of Astral Analysis and Projection in a red sun fuel depot, but they figured
out really quick that I’m not too good under that kind of pressure. Plus it was always hot. So
then they made me the sub-manager of a Temperature Testing Solutions Plant orbiting around
the Home World, but after the fire and the deaths they decided I shouldn’t be in charge of
people. So then I was the Assistant Training Supervisor for the General Calculation Department,
and I’m still legally not allowed to talk about why I left there. It was bad. Also my caregivers
were getting a little annoyed at me. So after a while I ended up here. I was told that there was
almost nothing I could mess up, since there was so little that actually mattered.
BETHANY: That’s…that’s some story, Jonas.
JONAS: It was pretty rough there for a while, I didn’t know what was going to happen to me, but
I still get my full allowance as long as I have a job, so it’s been working out great. Plus I met you.
So all around, good times despite, you know, being here.
BETHANY: It’s so good to hear that the height of my career so far is your current rock bottom,
that makes me feel amazing.
JONAS: Hey, we all have our place and our journey, it’s just about enjoying the road you’re on.
BETHANY: Yeah, except you’re floating down the road in a hover-limo and I’m dragging myself
over piles of sharp rocks, so far from the road I can’t even see it anymore, not that I’ve ever
been able to, because that would imply I’ve got some sort of choice about where my life ends
up.
JONAS: You wouldn’t even like those other jobs. They were boring.
BETHANY: That’s not the point, Jonas. I didn’t even have the opportunity to hate all those jobs
you left behind. I’ve spent my whole life clinging to the bottom rung of a corporate ladder so tall
I’ll never see the top while you’ve been tumbling down till you ended up at the bottom right next
to me. And yet you get an allowance. And I get my pay garnished. That’s fair. That’s real fair.
What an amazing universe we live in. Really fills me with the holiday spirit.
JONAS: You don’t have to be mean about it.
BETHANY: Deal with it. You got lucky. Enjoy it. You can handle a little meanness. Use your
allowance to buy some tissues if you need to.
JONAS: Hey, it’s not easy being in my family either, for your information. I’ve got problems.
They called me a moron to everyone on this ship. They shut down an educational facility
because I failed out of it. Do you know what that kind of pressure is like? Do you know how
embarrassing that is?
BETHANY: Nobody knows how embarrassing that is. Who in the whole universe, in all the
planets we’ve incorporated, could know how embarrassing that is?
JONAS: I do. It was awful. It was the worst thing. Can I get some sympathy here?
BETHANY: My first school got shut down because they decided to save some money and
transfer us to a different place where I had to share a chair with three other students. We took
turns. One got the desk, one got the chair, and one got the pencil.
JONAS: I didn’t get a chair for my first cycle and you didn’t share with me.
Bethany: You could have bought a chair. Or a thousand chairs. Or anything you want. You could
have left and still gotten money and nothing would have happened to you because, obviously,
nothing ever does happen to you, because you’re not playing by the same rules that the rest of
us are. All you do is fail, Jonas, and people keep giving you chances. I’ve had to work for nearly
everything. I dream about chances that you wouldn’t even spit at. I bet you even have a window
in your quarters, don’t you?
JONAS: It’s a small one, and I brought it from home. And by the way, just because you always
want to be in a bad mood doesn’t mean everybody else does. And just because you hate
everything about your life, that doesn’t give you the right to bring down everybody that manages
to like their own a little bit. Yeah, life screwed you over. It screws everybody over at some point
or another. Get over it. You aren’t special.
BETHANY: You have no idea what you’re talking about.
JONAS: Oh, of course I don’t, because I’m just dumb Jonas, right? I’m your stupid little sidekick
that you’re stuck with and the most enjoyment you manage to ring out of the day is when I mess
something up and you get to call me an idiot. Well, I’ve got excuses. I’m new. I was trained by
somebody who gave up on things like kindness and personability because they just got their
little feelings hurt one too many times. This is my third job and the first I’ve been allowed to stay
at long enough to learn a tiny bit of what I’m supposed to do. That’s why I’m a failure. What’s
your excuse, huh?
BETHANY: It’s not about you, Jonas.
JONAS: Well it’s certainly directed at me.
BETHANY: No, you don’t get it.
JONAS: Yeah, maybe that’s because you don’t actually talk to me. You don’t actually talk to
anybody because that would require personal investment in something other than yourself.
When’s the last time you did that, huh?
BETHANY: Don’t.
JONAS: Oh, did I hit a nerve? Did that sting a little bit? Let’s dig into that then, when was it?
BETHANY: Jonas, I’m warning you.
JONAS: Or maybe you’re just angry at the universe because you’re alone, and you hate
yourself, and deep down you know you deserve it.
Pause. Too far. Jonas has accidentally hit the nail on the head. They didn’t mean to.
JONAS: Um, I… I didn’t mean, I mean, I, um –
BETHANY: (Soft) Someday you’ll have something important taken from you, Jonas. And you’ll
think back on this moment, right now. And maybe then you’ll understand.
Silence.
Sad music.
More silence.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention general holiday-enjoying teammates, our Holiday Inspectors have
finished making their rounds and passing judgment on all of the departmental decorations. We
are proud, albeit surprised to announce our winner for most festive: The General Data
Acquisition and Storage Department. Congratulations to Bethany and Jonas for displaying the
proper degree of holiday festivities. We’ll be meeting with them shortly for a live interview
broadcast to the whole ship about what the Holiday means to them. Our broadcast team, led by
volunteer holiday inspector Patricia, are approaching the General Data and Acquisition team
now to bring you the festivities you’ve all been waiting for. And remember, productivity is the
greatest holiday gift.
BETHANY: Amazing. Best holiday ever. Can’t wait. I don’t hate this at all.
PATRICIA: Okay losers, I don’t know how they fell for all your nonsense, but let’s get this over
with.
JONAS: Hi, Patricia.
PATRICIA: Shut up, underling. Are we ready for our special holiday interview then?
BETHANY: Do we have a choice?
PATRICIA: Aw, Bethany, are you asking if you have a choice about whether or not you’re going
to blow this interview in front of the whole ship? I’m sorry, you don’t. How’s that fear of public
speaking, huh? Still gotta dope yourself up to get through it? Oops, too late for that now.
BETHANY: Thanks, Patricia, very helpful.
JONAS: I, for one, am always ready to be interviewed about my love of the holiday season. It
would be an honor.
PATRICIA: Love the energy in this room right now, such a mix of pathetic and stupid, here’s your
microphones, pushing the button in three, two, one…
A short chime.
PATRICIA: Hello workers, contractors, and whatever else you might be, and welcome to this
cycle’s most festive interview. I’m sitting down today with Bethany and Jonas in the office of the
General Data Acquisition and Storage Department which has just been crowned Most Festive
for this cycle. Bethany, Jonas, enlighten me on how you’re feeling about all this?
BETHANY: Well, uh, it’s, uh, it’s really –
JONAS: Patricia, let me just say it’s an honor to be here and an honor to be recognized for myour work in making our department the most festive department on the ship. I will say, it was not
without its challenges…
PATRICIA: Holiday challenges strike even the best of us, do tell.
JONAS: Actually, I believe that Bethany, the head of our department, can probably speak to
those a little bit better than I could.
PATRICIA: Bethany?
BETHANY: Um, okay, yeah, I think I can do that. It’s…hard. I think. For a lot of us. The holiday
season. It’s stressful. A lot of departments feel that. It’s hard not to dwell on things around this
time. For as much as everybody says that this is the happiest time of the fiscal cycle, for a lot of
us it’s not. And for those of us that feel that way, it’s just a non-stop barrage of wondering why
you can’t seem to just do what everybody else does so easily or at least fake it well enough that
nobody asks you about it. So I think that’s probably the biggest challenge of the holidays.
PATRICIA: (Sarcastically) Eloquently put, and incredibly positive, as always, thank you Bethany
that was wonderful. Finally, for whomever would like to answer –
BETHANY: Oh, also one other thing –
PATRICIA: We really don’t have that much time –
BETHANY: It’s fine it’s quick, I just wanted to say that the budget can also be an issue
sometimes. A lot of department heads have to dip into their own savings to decorate things,
and that can be an issue. Some people just have a bit more than others, and that leads to some
unfairness in the contest. So, I don’t know, I’m not in charge or anything, just, maybe we could
all be aware of that at least.
PATRICIA: It’s always so festive to talk about money, thank you Bethany. Now, again, for
whomever would like to answer, maybe Jonas this time, what are your plans for the coming
cycle after what must be the most monumental victory of both your lives?
JONAS: I guess we’re just gonna kinda keep doing what we’re doing. I mean, what else is there
to do?
PATRICIA: Well, it’s certainly clear that we’re not in the Morale and Positivity Department, isn’t
it? Thank you for everything the both of you, that’s all the time we’ve been allotted this cycle,
enjoy your plaque, and remember that it must be displayed continuously until it is lost to the next
most festive department. Under threat of severe penalty.
Another short chime.
PATRICIA: Long and dramatic, you haven’t changed much, have you, Bethany? See you next
cycle, if I’m unlucky enough to be sent down here again.
Pause. PATRICIA exits. Silence.
JONAS: I don’t know what we do now.
BETHANY: We go to our quarters and we sleep and we get up tomorrow and we work.
JONAS: Okay. Um, happy holidays.
BETHANY: Goodnight, Jonas.
Time passes.
ANNOUNCEMENT: A general reminder to any and all it may concern, semi-biological materials
such as Almost-Cake are not to be disposed of in any Waste Removal Location, due to the
possibility of sewer-level reproduction and ship-wide infestation. Semi-biological materials are
only to be disposed of through approved airlocks or approved low ranking personnel. As an
auxiliary reminder, all airlocks are closed for the fiscal holiday. Productivity is happiness.
A soft conversation.
JONAS: Hey.
BETHANY: Hello.
JONAS: I know we really haven’t been talking for the last few days, but is it okay if I say a
couple of things?
BETHANY: Yeah. Yeah, that’s okay.
JONAS: I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re the person that I work with. And I’m sorry that
the holidays are a tough time for you. And I, um, I’m sorry if I made it harder. I didn’t mean to.
BETHANY: Thanks Jonas. And for what it’s worth, even though a lot of what I said was true, it
was filtered through a bunch of intense and confusing emotions that really didn’t help anything.
You didn’t deserve all that. So, for my part, I’m sorry too.
JONAS: So can we maybe start talking and having a little bit of fun again?
BETHANY: Yes, Jonas, we can start having a little bit of fun again.
JONAS: (Full 180 mood shift 0-100 in .5 seconds.) Okay good, because I got you something.
BETHANY: What?
JONAS: It’s a present. Here, open it.
BETHANY: Oh. Uh, okay.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Are you sure? I didn’t get you anything. And there’s no vomit on it.
JONAS: Well that’s for a holiday gift, and you hate the holidays, so this is a “Congratulations,
the holidays are over”, gift.
BETHANY opens the gift.
BETHANY: (Honestly emotional.) Jonas. How?
JONAS: Oh, you know. Family connections.
BETHANY: Is this real coffee?
JONAS: 100%. From me and my Caregivers. For being the first boss I’ve had that hasn’t given
up on me yet.
BETHANY: (With a sniffle, holding back tears.) One second…here hold this again…where the
hell did I put the stupid thing… hold on –
Filing cabinets open and shut, papers shuffle, etc.
BETHANY: Hah! There we go. A long time ago, back when it was one of the first holidays with
the AI, I tore a story out of the EBI. It’s a holiday story. A really short one. Patricia and I used to
read it after we ate the cake. So it’s a little late, but better than never. If you want it. It’s not
much.
JONAS: Really?
BETHANY: You like the holidays. Read it. Enjoy it. Put it up next to your window if you want. It’s
all yours.
Small pause.
JONAS: Happy Holidays, Bethany.
BETHANY: Happy Holidays, Jonas.
Pause. Some slight music.
JONAS:
And we held them close,
They that loved us,
And we held them closer,
They who had gone before,
And though nothing was,
or ever would be,
perfect.
In that moment,
It was enough.
And the love made the fire fill the room.
And the world was suddenly warm again.
END