1-23 The Pitch and Yaw Control

In which Jonas dresses up and pitches a new business opportunity to Bethany.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Sonny Galen as Mikhail  (@sonnybuddie)  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

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Transcript

Episode 23 - The Pitch and Yaw Control
Scene 1
Jonas rushes into a quiet office.

JONAS
(Out of breath.)

Bethany. I need you to shut up and listen because I am about to make you so ridiculously happy.

(No response.)

As soon as I can catch my breath. Wow. I knew they stuck us far away from anything important but you don’t realize until you have to run it... 

(They catch their breath,)

Okay, breath caught. Still waiting for any acknowledgement that I am here and I do exist.

(No response.)

Bethany?

Bethany?

Bethany?

Okay, so, this is weird, this is exactly like this dream I had…

BETHANY
(Somewhere else.)
Oh, Jonas...
(Then back to reality.)
Why are you dressed like a cheap assassin?

JONAS
Oh, this old thing, it’s just- wait you think it looks cheap? The material it’s made from is an environmental felony.



BETHANY
It looks like a costume you have to explain to people, but don’t worry, I know you’re dressed as an assassin. I read between the lines. All the pieces are falling into their unexpected yet inevitable spots.

JONAS
It’s just a suit-dress.

BETHANY
Sure, killer.

JONAS
And tie. And it’s all very expensive. And outright criminal.

BETHANY
Why?

JONAS
Well it was expensive when my caregivers bought it for me for the educational dance season.

BETHANY
Why do you still have your climactic school dance gown?

JONAS
Because you never know when you need to make a good impression, Bethany.

BETHANY
We know each other. Did you know that most murders are done by people that know each other?

JONAS
No, I stopped thinking about murder a while ago.

BETHANY
Is it because you’re focused on maintaining this deeply unsettling amount of eye contact? Oh, and you brought a briefcase with you which you are squeezing so tightly your gripper is leaking sweat like a broken faucet.

JONAS
(Sing-song.)

I have a pitch for you-

(Not sing-song.)
Wait, no, serious Jonas. This is business.

(Clearing their throat.)

I have a pitch for you.

BETHANY
(Far away again. Suspicious.)

Uh huh.
(A printer goes off. Suddenly back to reality.)

Well you're going to have to wait to try and sell me that timeshare, Jonas. Someone just faxed us something and that means someone very old is about to make our day a lot worse.

JONAS
We have a fax machine?

BETHANY
It’s sitting on top of the filing cabinet.

JONAS
It’s not a filing cabinet hat? Wait, you are trying to distract me from this very important pitch that I’m sure you’ll actually like so maybe we can discuss hats later.

BETHANY
We can’t, Jonas, this is very serious.

JONAS
Bethany, come on, it’s a fax.

BETHANY
Oh, goodness, Jonas you’ve never made this much eye contact with me ever and it looks like you’re about to gnaw through that briefcase handle- What’s in the briefcase, Jonas, why are you keeping it a secret?

JONAS
It’s... charts?

BETHANY
Is “charts” your word for a weapon?

JONAS
A good business opportunity can be the deadliest weapon.
BETHANY
Do not open that briefcase, Jonas. 

JONAS
But...

BETHANY
It is fax time.
Scene 2
MIKHAIL
This is Mikhail contacting the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department. Please confirm the receipt of this fax.

JONAS
(Waiting for more.)

That’s all it says?

BETHANY
Not if you read between the lines. Jonas, do you remember when I told you about chess?

JONAS
Absolutely not.

BETHANY
We’ve just been inducted into a very dangerous game.

JONAS
(Trying to pronounce esoteric.)
So this is chess. It’s more... eso- ee-so- ee- It’s weirder than I thought.

BETHANY
That’s exactly what they want you to say, Suit-Dress Briefcase.

JONAS
Well I think I look good. And the briefcase has charts in it, which I would very much like to pitch you on so do not confirm whatever your filing cabinet hat spit out and we can get down to business.

BETHANY
We have to fax them back.

JONAS
Why?

BETHANY
Because if we don’t they just fax us again and I cannot afford to buy any more paper 
because the company will not provide us any more because you doodled on all of it.

JONAS
It uses our paper?

BETHANY
Which we’re almost out of.

JONAS
Bethany, I can afford the paper.

BETHANY
The acting head of the department is required-

JONAS
(With rehearsed gusto.)

And also, you can afford more paper with this great new deal that I have come to pitch you on today.

BETHANY
They got to you?

JONAS
That depends on what you mean by you, they, got, and to.

BETHANY
Jonas, trust me, you do not want to get involved with a Marketing Monolith scam. It’s the reason I ate Nearly Noodles for 7 years of my childhood. You have to run away from people more, Jonas.

JONAS
Oh, been there, done that, sold them all to some siblings, bought them back later, this is 
all ancient history. This is all ancient history, what I have for you is the future.

BETHANY
You promise you’re not selling either blue lotions or the chance to sell blue lotions?


JONAS
No, please listen-

BETHANY
Because I don’t have anyone to sell them to, Jonas, I don’t have a bunch of siblings. I just have you to sell things to. I can’t trust you with lotion anymore and I am broke. And to top it all off, we’re at the bottom of a giant monolith called this ship.

I cannot hold up that many monoliths. One and done.

JONAS
(Breaking them out of this.)

Do you still want to send that fax?

BETHANY
I already sent it.

JONAS
When?

BETHANY
Wouldn’t you like to know, Suit-Dress Briefcase.

JONAS
Why are you never unstable in my favor?

The briefcase clicks.

BETHANY
Do NOT point that at me.

JONAS
Okay, I will turn around and open the greatest opportunity of your career where you CANNOT SEE IT.

BETHANY
Uh uh uh. Here’s how it’s going to go down. I want to see you open it with the opening facing you, then I want you to put it on the ground, then go stand in the corner, then I will come over there to look at it while you hold all your little raptorial claws in the air so I know you’re not pushing any buttons.

JONAS
Okay yeah for sure.
(The briefcase clicks open.)

Never mind this is the wrong briefcase.

A briefcase gets thrown into a hallway.

BETHANY
Check. Mate.

JONAS
I don’t know what that means. Anyways I need some paper so I can make some charts.

A printer goes off.

BETHANY
That is fax paper.

JONAS
Only on the front, on the back you’ll find it’s chart paper.

BETHANY
That’s called lying to me. Do you want to lie to me, Jonas?

JONAS
(Under their breath.)
I’m... trying so hard to be honest right now.
Scene 3
MIKHAIL
Thank you for confirming that you have received my fax. I am contacting you today to discuss the topic of the Minor Sports form submitted to the Intergalactic Sporting Documentation Services Department and Testing League. Please confirm you have submitted a Minor Sports Form to the Intergalactic Sporting Documentation Services Department and Testing League within the last 5 months.

JONAS
Do not respond to that fax.

BETHANY
Why are you drawing on the walls right now?



JONAS
You wouldn’t give me any paper and once I get through this pitch you will never have to think about these walls again.

BETHANY
I have to think about them right now.

JONAS
Just think about them as big charts. Filled with even bigger opportunities.

BETHANY
This feels like something I should stop.

JONAS
And now the feature presentation, Bethany, ask yourself, how can M-E work for me?

BETHANY
(A moment.)

What?

JONAS
M-E?

(A moment.)

The Mental Enervation Colonies?

(Another moment.)

Have you heard of the Mental Enervation Colonies?

BETHANY
Yeah?

JONAS
So what do you think?

BETHANY
Of the Mental Enervation Colonies?

JONAS
Okay, this pitch is already taking longer than I thought.

BETHANY
What pitch, Jonas, you just said a slogan at me.

JONAS
But it’s a good slogan. It’s catchy. It caught your attention.

BETHANY
What is the goal here, Jonas?

JONAS
What, I think I have a recording to play somewhere…

The printer goes off.

BETHANY
Oh no. I forgot to respond to Mikhail.

JONAS
Good. Where did I put that recorder? I took a recording...

BETHANY
I cannot ignore it, Jonas, what if Mikhail wants to kill us now because we didn’t respond to their fax? Did you think about that?

JONAS
No. Obviously that didn’t occur to me because I’m trying to get you off this ship and also that is not a rational thought.

BETHANY
Oh, you know so much about rational thought. Listen to this.
Scene 4
MIKHAIL
It appears my last fax did not make it through. Please be sure to update your systems. I am contacting you today to discuss the topic of the Minor Sports form submitted to the Intergalactic Sporting Documentation Services Department and Testing League. Please confirm you have submitted a Minor Sports Form to the Intergalactic Sporting Documentation Services Department and Testing League within the last 5 months.

BETHANY
See?


JONAS
I don’t think I see.

BETHANY
It’s between the lines, Jonas.

JONAS
Bethany. What?

BETHANY
Read. Between. The lines. Jonas.

JONAS
I don’t. Know what. That means. Bethany.

BETHANY
That’s incredibly convenient for you, Suit-Dress No-Briefcase.

JONAS
I’m really sorry I was late today and forgot to ask this, but are you okay?

BETHANY
Just preparing to be hunted.

JONAS
Are you on any anxiety repressors right now?

BETHANY
No. None of them worked for me so I’m doing my own thing.

Typing sounds.

JONAS
What are you typing?

BETHANY
I’m saving our lives, Jonas.

JONAS
Okay. So... this... um... I don’t know what to do. But... maybe the Mental Enervation Colonies have... something to help with this.

BETHANY
It’s fine.
JONAS
I just found the recorder, here is a soothing recording I took of one of their programs. It’s part of their calming line.

BETHANY
I’m fine. I do not need to be calmed down.

The following sounds like a recording of a recording.



THE FEAST
(Over repetitive xylophone music and in unison with The Fast.)
When I am hungry. I eat. When I am 
hungry. I eat. When I am hungry. I eat. 
When I am hungry. I eat. When I am 
hungry, I eat. When I am hungry, I eat. 
When I am hungry. I eat. When I am 
hungry. I eat. When I am hungry. I eat. 
When I am hungry. I eat. When I am 
hungry. I eat. When I am hungry. I eat. 
When I am hungry. I eat. When I am 
hungry. I eat. When I am hungry. I eat. 
When I am hungry. I eat.
THE FAST
(Over repetitive xylophone music and in unison with The Feast.)
I am happiest when it rains and I am near 
glass. I am happiest when it rains and I am 
near glass. I am happiest when the rain fall 
heavy on the glass. I am happiest when it 
rains and I am near glass. I am happiest 
when it rains and I am near glass. I am 
happiest when the rain fall heavy on the 
glass. I am happiest when it rains and I am 
near glass. I am happiest when it rains and 
I am near glass. I am happiest when the 
rain falls heavy on the glass.


ROBO-ARCHIVIST 
This piece of blatant emotional manipulation was brought to you by the Mental Enervation Colonies. Mental Enervation. Ask yourself, how can M-E work for me?

JONAS
(Obviously not the effect they were hoping for.)

And there you have it.

(Spin it.)

What if instead of this... we did that?

BETHANY
Sorry, Jonas, I was working on saving our lives and didn’t hear any of that.
Scene 5

MIKHAIL
I don’t understand. I did not threaten to kill anyone. I just wanted to ask a question about why a sport was filed under Minor Sports instead of Major Sports. Please confirm you have submitted a Minor Sports Form to the Intergalactic Sporting Documentation Services Department and Testing League within the last 5 months.

BETHANY
Jonas, did any of your private tutors specialize in self-defense?

JONAS
Only supernatural self-defense and it was just for a couple of weeks before the exorcism.

BETHANY
Okay. I have to send another fax.

JONAS
Little tip: Do not ask if they are a ghost.

BETHANY
Oh, you think you’re a detective ONE TIME and now you’re telling me how to find out if someone is a ghost or not.

JONAS
GHOSTS DON’T KNOW THEY’RE GHOSTS, BETHANY. I’VE SAID IT BEFORE 
IN THIS OFFICE, I’LL SAY IT AGAIN IN THIS OFFICE, AND I’LL SAY IT RIGHT 
NOW TO YOUR PARANOID LITTLE FACE: GHOSTS DON’T KNOW THEY’RE 
GHOSTS.

BETHANY
Then how would YOU find out if someone is a ghost? Never mind, I already sent the fax.

JONAS
Perfect! That means I have time to keep this pitch-

BETHANY
(Getting out of this conversation.)

Do you want to hear an EBI story?

JONAS
I’m actually in the middle of-

BETHANY
I found this one this morning while you were late because you were trying to fit into an education-age dress-

JONAS
Suit-dress.

BETHANY
Sure. Anyways I gave it a name because you get weird if I don’t. It’s called These Mushrooms Formed a Society. Isn’t that Extraneous But Interesting?

JONAS
No.

BETHANY
Hmm?

JONAS
You told me stories like that don’t go into the folder.

BETHANY
Yeah, I told YOU that. But who am I?

JONAS
You’re Bethany.

BETHANY
That was a rhetorical question, Jonas.

JONAS
Yeah, but was it though?

BETHANY
Hmm?

JONAS
Nothing.

BETHANY
Anyways, there was an earthquake in mushroom land, and that made their king very sad, so they wrote some poetry.

JONAS
And?

BETHANY
And?

JONAS
And what was the poetry?

BETHANY
It was bad so I didn’t keep it.

JONAS
So what’s the rest of the story?

BETHANY
That is the whole story.

JONAS
I don’t think it should go in the folder then.

BETHANY
The king is sad because the mushrooms died, Jonas, it’s a tragedy.

JONAS
I don’t disagree but-

BETHANY
And there’s an earthquake and it has a name, it marks all the requirements that YOU have 
for YOUR stories, Jonas.

JONAS
I didn’t add any Earthquake stories.

BETHANY
Somebody did.

JONAS
Yeah, Patricia added that story, and then you named it.

BETHANY
I don’t want to talk about Patricia.

JONAS
We kind of have to.

The printer goes off.
BETHANY
Oh, too bad we actually can’t do that, because of the faxes.
Scene 6
MIKHAIL
I am not a ghost. Or a ghoul, or any of the other things you mentioned in your fax. I’m just a sports enthusiast who thinks you categorized a sport under the wrong form. Please confirm you have submitted a Minor Sports Form to the Intergalactic Sporting Documentation Services Department and Testing League within the last 5 months.

BETHANY
And that was the last of our paper. Forever. Because now we’re going to get killed by a ghost, ghoul, or one of the other things I mentioned in my fax to Mikhail.

JONAS
That’s probably not true. But if it is, once again, one of my tutors did specialize in that kind of self-defense, so…

BETHANY
Teach me.

JONAS
Okay. We need a vacuum cleaner, a lot of salt, seven separate thimbles of frosting, and how about, instead of that, we get out of this job?

BETHANY
(A moment.)

Good joke.

JONAS
It’s not a joke. It’s, you know, a pitch.

BETHANY
Then it’s a mean joke. Because that’s literally what I want more than anything and it’s impossible, so...

JONAS
There might be a way.

BETHANY
Jonas, this is one of your meanest jokes yet.

JONAS
It’s not. It’s actually very serious. You want this more than anything, right?

BETHANY
Yeah, I already said that.

JONAS
Okay.

(Tread carefully.)

The Mental Enervation Colonies-

BETHANY
Right, the notoriously exclusive, impossibly clandestine, and difficult to contact let alone find organization that sells recordings to our ship.

JONAS
What if I told you that we know someone that has an in. And that window is closing fast, but if we act quickly, we can submit the folder as a sort of application of our work. If they like it, we’ll get whisked off of this ship and into their colonies, and if they don’t, hey, at least we tried.

They keep the folder either way, but, you know, I’ve been making that copy e-book thing and they only take physical submissions and... 

and I know how much this folder means to you.

And I hope you know how much it means to me. To us. And... I don’t know the rest. Because I brought the wrong briefcase. But we can get there some time after the ghost self defense classes.

BETHANY
That almost sounds like a plan, Jonas.

JONAS
Thank you.

BETHANY
And next time, please lighten up on the eye contact. It’s been like twenty minutes.

JONAS
Sorry, I was just so nervous and...

BETHANY
Jonas if anyone knows about being nervous right now, it’s me.

I feel like I’m spiraling out of control, don’t say anything, and I didn’t even believe in ghosts until just a minute ago and, right now, I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in them again.

JONAS
Ghosts are real. Obviously.

BETHANY
Interesting point, moving on. 

And I know, I know, that Mikhail is not going to kill me. Obviously, I don’t think murderers use fax machines, but I still feel like I’m on the edge of something bad, something really really bad, and at any moment I’m going to get pushed over and fall and... and... and if I just keep pushing myself than at least I can see it coming. Do you know what I mean?

JONAS
Is falling always a bad thing?

BETHANY
It’s what brought us both here.

JONAS
And this is my favorite job I’ve ever had. So far. Depending on this pitch.

BETHANY
Jonas I know about your other jobs, that is a low bar.

And what if it doesn’t work? What if... The Mental Enervation Colonies just take the folder and we have to start over from nothing but an e-book?

JONAS
No matter what happens, it’s a fresh start.

BETHANY
(A moment.)

I kinda like that.

JONAS
(Releasing a breath they didn’t know they were holding.)

Me too.



BETHANY
I’m... excited, I think? It’s like the anxiety but not as bad.

JONAS
So you’re in?

BETHANY
I’m in. Let’s do it. Let’s send the folder and then start fresh.

JONAS
Oh thank goodness, I hate this Dress-Suit.

BETHANY
You did not have to wear the dress suit.

JONAS
Oh, but I did. For the pitch.

BETHANY
Have you ever made a pitch before?

JONAS
No, but, you know, the caregivers used to talk about them in the newsletter sometimes and they always mentioned what designers they were wearing and how much eye contact to make...

BETHANY
Newsletter?

JONAS
Yeah, my family has a newsletter.

BETHANY
That’s so weird.

JONAS
Yeah, cause it’s so weird to pay a relatively small subscription fee to stay up-to-date about what your family does. Plus, my cousin has this comic strip that they run in it about a lazy cat who hates... one of the weekdays. I can’t remember which one. I’ll bring an issue here to show you some time. It’s... really political.

Scene 7
BETHANY
Wait, Jonas, if your family has a connection with ME, why are you bothering with all this? Can’t you just buy your way there?

JONAS
Oh, this isn’t a family contact.

(Realizing they left something out.)

You want this more than anything, right?

BETHANY
Yeah, what’s going on?

JONAS
I need you to keep that in mind, because I know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody-

BETHANY
You’re stalling. Who do you know? Who’s the person that you know that knows about 
the folder and... and-

JONAS
It’s... Patricia. This was their idea.

They came to the talent show and brought it up, so they’re in, and they want you to be a 
part of it too.

(A moment. A heartbeat.)

We can all sit down together and make a plan...
(A chair squeaks.)

Bethany?

(A little quieter.)

Bethany, where are you going?

(Now yelling after them in the distance.)
Bethany, it’s just an idea we don’t have to-

(Fading out under the sounds of running.)

I’m sorry, can we just talk about this?

(To themself.)

Just let me know what you decide, I guess.

END