How to Stay Sexy without Having Sex! Abstinent by Choice.

Many individuals are choosing to be much more selective in their sexual activities. Some are choosing abstinence, but are still seeking healthy ways to express their sexuality. In this episode of the Never Stop Podcast with Shari, your host explores the reasons individuals are choosing abstinence and shares live results from a poll of fifty abstinent individuals based on, "What they do to feel sexy, without having sex?"   Your host gives details on what she does and even answers an unexpected, unfiltered question fir the 18 and over crew, about personal "gratification". This is a fun, enlightening episode that listeners will enjoy!

Transcript

Episode 4_How to Be Sexy without Having Sex

[00:00:00] Hey y'all. What's up? Welcome, welcome, Welcome to The Never Stop podcast with your host, Your girl Chare coming to you all the way. From the nation's capital in Washington, DC and I'm telling y'all about a few days ago, it was close to 80 degrees in November, we were showing off in DC y'all, and now we are down to the fifties.

So if you are listening to this podcast from a warm climate, Consider yourself lucky and consider yourself being hated on right now cuz I'm jealous. I ain't gonna lie. I'm jealous of y'all. I'm just not ready to be wearing boots and heavy coats. You know I'm still wanting to wear my bien socks, my sandals, my tank tops and it's just too much.

Y'all, you know, you gotta start spending money in the winter time cuz them coats are no joke, but, That's neither here [00:01:00] nor there. I am happy to have you all online with me today for episode four, and we are gonna get into it. But before we do, I do need to take a special moment to shout out a few people.

Who have been so instrumental and the never stop with Shrie podcast. These folks have been with me since day one, before day one. So number one. Of course, my mama. My mama is my, was my first subscriber mama. I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A lot of the conversations. All of us are having on this podcast actually came from conversations that I've had with my mom for years.

So thank you mom for being a great MO role model for me. Number two, I wanna thank my girl. She is my honorary never stopper. She will always be a never stopper. Miss Leslie, Leslie Green, she passed away in May. Y'all. This was my work, Angel, really an angel in my life, and she [00:02:00] really supported me in the things that I wanted to do creatively.

So, Leslie, I know you are looking down. Can't believe that your girl is doing this, but I love you. I miss you, and please continue to bless me, sweetie. And number three, y'all. On TikTok when I started on TikTok this July, and I've been on it before July, but when I really started doing videos, I did not know the TikTok community was so strong.

And there's a sister her, she goes by beads of light. When I first started doing videos, she wrote me immediately and told me I was on to something, gave me resources, recommendations for business ideas. So I've got to shout out, Miss, Be the light for the. I love you. I appreciate you and like I told you sis, if it goes, you gonna go with me.

So thank you very much y'all. All three of these people are angels are never stoppers for me, and let's get into this week's [00:03:00] episode. So, although it's getting cold, as I mentioned, In the District of Columbia. On this episode, y'all, we gonna get a little bit hot, if you don't mind. Today's episode might be my first episode that is going to be for 18 and older.

So today's episode, episode number four. Is titled How to Stay Sexy Without Having Sex. Let's Go. I've recognized on social media and even in my day to day interactions with other grown individuals, many people are changing their sexual behavior. Now, some may wanna call it choosing abstinence, being celibate, and other individuals don't really wanna put a formal title on it.

But we are seeing women and men alike are choosing to become more selective in who and even if they wanna become intimate right [00:04:00] now. Now, I definitely believe this came with. Many of y'all freaks were scared straight. A lot of freaks were scared straight y'all. I mean, there were no condoms for Covid, and people found themselves in their houses, apartments by themselves.

They weren't able to go to nightclubs and pick up anyone. There were no places for one night stands. We were scared. People were scared to get someone. Stands, people were scared to go to a gas station and meet somebody and talk to 'em a few times and let them come over. That was not happening in 2020 and, and really probably even 2021.

So many of us, I believe, found ourselves by ourselves, scared to go out there and meet anyone, and we chose to change our sexual behavior. We found ourselves in the land. Healing journeys because now you look on TikTok, Instagram, there are so many references to [00:05:00] Healing Journeys, , and I'm actually on a healing journey right now, myself, y'all.

And during this healing journey, one of the main things. I've had to reconcile with that. I've been fighting, I've been tussling with, is still wanting to feel sexy while I'm not having. Let me just be honest. For the majority of my life, my adulthood, I have felt sexy. , you know, I felt sexy. And what I mean by that is for a large part of my life, I felt I possessed an energy, or some may say a power.

Uh, you know, With the opposite sex and even just in my own power day to day. And I find it so interesting that we each find different things about ourselves and in others to feel or see as sexy. Some folks feel sexy when they're dressed in [00:06:00] uniform and other people feel sexy when they wearing booty shorts.

It may be when you look someone in the eye. Or you lick your lips. Y'all know when ll kept on licking his lips ll cool J. He knew what he was doing. He knew he had the power in them lips. And you all know what you possess. You know where your power is. And many of us rock it and we have rocked it extremely well.

It's funny when I think about this, because one of my, or what I perceive as one. Sexiest physical features on my eyes. And y'all know I hate wearing sunglasses. I mean, I do not like wearing sunglasses cuz for me, my power is all in my eyes. Y'all . For those of us that find ourselves single and used to being in relationships, this is unknown territory that we're in it for many of us, it really.

A whole new world. When I was in a relationship, it was so easy to [00:07:00] feel sexy. Number one, I had somebody every day, or you know, most days that made me feel sexy, sent me text messages, calling me beautiful, having conversations, telling me how much he desired me. I mean, I felt sexy. I also let. Let's keep it real.

I was having awesome sex with somebody. I was having consistent sex, so it's very easy. One plus one equals two. I felt sexy, so it was a lot easier when I was in a relationship. But now, Over a year clean. I'm 10 toes down in this healing journey, y'all, and I'm choosing abstinence. I still want to feel sexy.

It's a part of me, it's a part of my personality. I still wanna find ways to express my femininity. I still wanna feel desirable, but I no longer wanna sell my soul to get to that. Now this episode is not for those of [00:08:00] you who no longer care about those type of things. I mean, if that's you, if you are content and you're satisfied with no longer feeling sexy, then great.

Awesome, awesome, awesome for you, pray for me. Okay? Pray for all of us. All right. Personally, I believe there's a beauty and sexiness in each and every one of us. Now, how we choose to exhibit. That just differs and just generationally in the past, sexy has had so many negative connotations associated with it that many people felt they couldn't be sexy and smart.

They couldn't be sexy and Christian, sexy and Muslim. Sexy and driven, sexy and professional. But I think our current generation has thrown that damn sentiment right into the dumpster, , you know, I mean, I'll admit it at times to our very own detriment. There's, you know, there's nothing wrong with being a little bit discreet, but either way, according to our article in this every [00:09:00] girl blog, um, that I found so interesting, being sexy is not about the clothes that you wear or being promis.

It's a description of a powerful energy we all have within us, and I absolutely agree with that. You've heard people say all the time, Oh, he has a sexy walk. Oh, he has a sexy voice. Oh, when he speaks that intelligence stuff, Oh, he sounds so good. He sounds so. Sexy. It's an energy. It's something that people exude, and I believe if it's watered and it's leveraged and expressed correctly in a healthy manner, it can be a benefit to us all.

But again, question of the evening. How do we stay sexy? Feeling sexy without having. Well, I reached out to my friends and family and I did a poll, you guys, and I summarized the first 50 responses [00:10:00] that came my way, and these responses came by Instagram, TikTok, YouTube men and women responded, everybody.

Everybody was grown. Y'all okay, and I'm gonna break down what the top answers were. Very, very interesting, and I think they were great recommendations for those of you that are struggling with this and trying to identify ways to feel sexy in a healthy way. So let's go. Shout out to my TikTok fam, just who I am, Little Peyton Corey, 37 x.

Otha Sweets. Michael Hampton, Thomas Hill B. More Steels. Thank y'all for y'all contribution to today's podcast. Let's go with these results. Now the first response was centered around self entertainment. Individuals that responded to this said that they get dressed up still. They put their finest things on dresses, nice [00:11:00] clothes, shirts, ties, you know, They do all that nice stuff, that self grooming stuff, and they go out with their friends or they go out by themselves, that they go to nice restaurants, eat a good meal, go out to lounges with their friends, and still dance and have a great time without having a companion.

And I like this recommendation because there's nothing like getting dressed up, feeling good about yourself, knowing you're looking good. Going out with your girls or your boys and they looking good. Everybody's smelling good, got they swag, and you're out with your girls and you're dancing and you know there's guys there and you may not be interested in them, but they see you and you know you look good and you may dance with one of them.

Or you may let them buy you a drink and you feel sexy cuz you know you're desirable and there's nothing better than doing all of that at that lounge and then going home by. Going home with your girls, getting some pizza, going to IHOP after, and you [00:12:00] had that moment, you had that opportunity to feel sexy to like the guys say that sometimes like to cheat on us, and we ask them why do they get a woman's number to feel like you still had it right?

You still know you had it when you went out there with your girls, even though you were by yourself. The second result was about self care. Individuals that responded said that they focused on themselves. They focused on fixing themselves up physically, dieting, exercising, working out, cleaning their houses, getting the environment, how they wanted to look.

Smelling good, just really indulging in the. And I love this idea as well because this is actually something that I did and I've been doing during my healing journey. I had an issue with hyperpigmentation and I went on a skin journey, a healthy skin journey, and that's something that has really made me feel great, has boosted my [00:13:00] self-esteem, made me feel.

Sexy. I always wanted to be able to not wear makeup and still, you know, look good and, and that's what I've been working on. And it does make me feel sexy focusing on myself, you know, making sure that my house is smelling good. I still will go by. Bath and body candles and make sure my house is smelling good and I like to clean it up and be able to just lounge and look around it.

And I, I do feel great because of that. I do feel sexy because of those things. So I think that's a awesome, awesome recommendation knowing that you're taking care of yourself. Also, I think it motivates you for better is. There's nothing like preparing yourself. For me as a woman, for my husband, I know I'm gonna meet a great man one day, and it's so meaningful for me to be taking care of myself, my skin, my body, my mental, my emotional health, knowing that it's all in [00:14:00] preparation for a suitable man, one.

As well as myself, but in terms of the sexiness component, that I'm also doing it because one day I'm gonna get something that's gonna be so worthy, and when he gets all of this, woo, it's gonna be something special y'all. The third result was based on. Creating their own ambiance. And I really, really love this one you guys, because people responded basically saying that they played slow jams at home, they cooked a good meal at home and they really just created their own ambiance.

And you know, sometimes we always are dependent on. Individuals to come over or to entertain individuals. And the only way we feel like we can really create that level of ambiance is if someone else is there. You don't think you can like candles if a man or another woman is not there. You don't think you can really play slow jams in your house.

If you're by yourself, [00:15:00] you know, why am I cooking this great meal for one and not two, All of that. But I think there's such a level of independence, and again, self-indulgence. Just treating yourself the way that you deserve to be treated. I love this recommendation. Taking yourself out the way that you feel like, feel like you deserve to be taking out, cooking yourself.

The meal that you feel someone else should cook for you one day. Playing those slow jams, that music that you love to listen to, that makes you feel. Sexy, and that's out of this third recommendation. If I do anything, I definitely create an ambiance y I am known for slow jams. I love a slow jam. I will play a slow jam, and it does just create a energy, a sexiness.

In your house. It absolutely does. When you get a good lobster tail or a good meal or order from DoorDash, [00:16:00] a great meal that you may splurge a little bit more and put it on a nice plate with a nice glass of wine. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It feels sexy and And put something on as well with it. Oh yeah. That feels real sexy.

Y'all look just thinking about it. I'm starting to feel sexy, y'all. I'm telling you now, the. Recommendation. That I loved, and people wrote this in specifically dancing in the mirror, . A lot of folks are dancing in the mirror, y'all. And when I tell you this is most certainly one of mine, I'm a dance in the mirror type of lady.

I'm gonna put on some good Donnell Jones, some summer walker, some I don't know, something slow. I might even put on some hip hop, but I'm gonna get in that mirror. I'm going dance, I'm gonna sweat it out. And that does feel [00:17:00] so sexy. Putting something on and just getting in that mirror and dancing to your favorite.

And dancing like somebody else is there. I mean, I love that. Yes, yes, yes, yes to all that. Put on your song. Get in that mirror and dance for yourself, girl, dance for yourself. And number five. Number five was so special and a lot of people, Touched on this and there are other responses, but I had some folks that just spoke specifically to this.

So it deserved its own its own response. So number five, y'all was falling in love with yourself, which is really why we are all in these healing journeys. Why many of us have chosen abstinence? The said, just being yourself feel sexy. Loving yourself as you are in your very own element. Feeling sexy in the fact that you're not giving up something to get validation, [00:18:00] feeling sexy, knowing that you are enough without someone being there.

Someone having to tell you that you are sexy, realizing that you have the goods and many. Come to those realizations later on in the healing journey that you really didn't need to suffer for the situations that you were in with the benefits that you were getting. Were not worth it. That just by yourself, you have the goods.

Like right now, I know you can't tell me I'm not sitting on a gold mine. I'm so clean right now. I feel so good. You cannot tell me you. I know y'all, many of y'all that are. They're sitting at home. You've been chilling on your abstinence, your healing journey, and y'all know we are sitting at home talking big shit right now.

Like when that person, if that person is smart enough to come around here and to come correct. Oh, it is [00:19:00] on. Oh, they gonna be so pleased. They gonna be so happy. They gonna have hit the jackpots. And it does feel sexy knowing that you do have the goods right now by yourself. That you know, it's a confidence that as a single woman and you get through these healing journeys and you're not dependent and reliant on someone else, and you go out there in these streets and someone comes up to you that maybe in the past you would've entertained, but now you've discovered who you are in real life, and you can look at that and reject that You.

Work off the power of your discernment and knowing that that person is not good enough for you, that person is not equally yolked with you. Oh yeah, that's a sexy feeling cuz that's power, right? That's, that's to be in a position of power where now you are choosing what you want in your life. You're not a victim of your circumstances, you're actually now [00:20:00] creating your circum.

And you're letting it be known that you're something valuable, valuable, you're something that not everyone has access to, that is a benefit to be touched by you, to be in your. Aura to be in your space to have conversation with you that your time is valuable. So many of us didn't know how valuable our time was, but now we're recognizing, yeah, my time is valuable, baby.

It's real. It is real valuable for me to sit on the phone and talk to you and entertain you and to be sexy with you. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. And we getting real picky with who we choose to be sexy with, and that feels sexy. It's very powerful and it feels sexy to be selective. Now, just for me, superficially, I'm a lingerie girl, so in terms of what I do physically to feel sexy.

I love wearing [00:21:00] lingerie. I have a lot of lingerie. I have probably every color type of lingerie, and in my relationships, I always have worn lingerie. And when I chose abstinence, I did not know what to do with my lingerie. Honestly, it almost haunted me. It scared me. I was ready to throw it all away, give it all away.

Never wear lingerie again, cuz you know the spirit's attached to it. Okay, . But I said to myself, Does this mean I can't? Wear lingerie anymore? Am I, you know, just stuck wearing overalls because y'all know when we be depressed, we ain't putting all that pretty stuff on. When we first hit these healing journeys, it, it's rough, you know, we lucky if our hair is done, so I had to come to the realization, no, I don't have to turn into a PR just because my heart's been broken.

I don't have to be approved just because I'm not having sex with someone. [00:22:00] My sexiness is not dependent on being in relationship with someone else. My sexiness is dependent in how I feel about myself and how more importantly I treat myself. So for me, I also like to take some great bubble baths, y'all.

That's my new thing. When I tell you I get all kinds of scents of bubble baths, oils, bubbles, everything. I mix it up and I get different candles that I put all around my bathtub and I put some nice sounds on at the same time, and a glass of wine and I just lay there. Maybe sometimes I watch a. Or just entertain, you know, myself and I love it.

I have to make sure I just sometimes get nightmares of folks, you know, rounding the bathtub so I can't get too comfortable . But I have a, I have a great time and once I get out that bath, I [00:23:00] always have a nice oil or lotion that smells real. That I moisturize myself with, Make sure my skin is nice and soft and I'm smelling good.

I put on that lingerie. Yes I do. I put on that nice lingerie and look at myself in the mirror. I may take a few pictures of myself, just for memory's sake, just to let somebody know, let myself know that I still was bad, even though I didn't have anybody . And you know, I watch a movie, I go to sleep. And I sleep comfortably smelling good, feeling good, more importantly, feeling sexy and better yet y'all, I know all the awesome sex I had in my previous relationship or whatever, and how sexy I felt in those moments.

What happens now for me is that when I wake up in the morning, I wake up feeling so good [00:24:00] because I know. I didn't give up anything, or I didn't create a soul tie with someone that's gonna feel like hell once again to break, just for me to catch a feeling, a momentary feeling with someone that that feels good for me to receive that.

That type of energy independently is very empowering for me and what motivates me to do it day to day. I know some people listening to this right now, especially some of the men, they're thinking. Yeah, I know you do some other things too. I know you touch yourself. So this is the rated R version of this episode that we gonna get into that right now.

I am a true Sagittarian, y'all. My birthday's actually coming up very soon, but more importantly, I'm a Christian, so I'm not gonna tell y'all any lies. I know people who expect me to get on here and lie, but [00:25:00] those folks that know me are saying right now, she ain't gonna lie, and I'm not gonna lie to y'all.

So have I pleased myself. During my healing journey? Is that the question that many of you really have? Is that why you're listening right now? The answer to this question is yes. Yes, I have . Of course I have. You know, I mean, yes I have. Let me say that. Okay, But let me say. I've also stopped that. I've worked very hard to stop that.

Not that it was something that I need to work hard to do, but I've stopped that, especially in the beginning of my healing journey. I did not wanna do it, uh, because I realized that when I was closing my eyes to get ready to do it, I was thinking about my ex. I was having to reflect on one of these great episodes that we had, that we were no longer gonna.

And that [00:26:00] was not promoting healthy healing for me. basically, I still was having sex with someone, having sex with this person. It just was mental, emotional, spiritual. But it wasn't physical, but it still was sex, you know? And it absolutely was impeding my progress. I knew one or two times I did it, I was like, Oh, wait a minute.

This is impeding my progress of getting this person out my system. If I'm closing my eyes and having to think about this person or recollect on that episode to get here, that's a problem. So to be honest with you, after a couple times, I realized, especially in this journey, masturbation was not gonna work for me.

But let me tell you, do I knock it when I talk to sisters and they let me know that they swear by it, they stand by it, they say that it has been [00:27:00] critical on the road to their cleanliness. Okay? And I hear y'all. I hear y'all. I see them roses. I see it. And I'm not going tell you, especially that Rose, when I see that video, I'm like, That's amazing cuz I've never seen anything like that, you know?

So I'm not going to lie. Do I wanna order that thing sometimes? Absolutely I do. Yes I do. But I'm scared of that type of stuff, y'all. I really am. Oh, I remember y'all. This is a no judgment zone. We said that day one. So if you like it, I love it. I mean, for real, because I know for some sisters it's not that deep because.

May put a movie on and if you put a movie on, you're not thinking about that person anymore. So I get that. Believe me, all I will say is just don't get so addicted to the toy that you don't want a real man. Cuz some folks is talking crazy now talking about they don't need a man. And I don't know about that y'all, there's something about somebody kissing you [00:28:00] on your neck.

There's something about that skin to skin action, you know, not that plastic to skin action. I like that skin. Again, action. I like to feel, you know your heartbeat against my heartbeat. I like that. I do. I got a problem, y'all. Who? Anyway. But you know, also, ladies, we need to think about if the tables were turned, how we would feel right now if I was dealing with a man, and you know, they do now have, but John is from.

So I know if I was dealing with a man and he had a vagina for men, do you know how upset I would know, Finding out that my man was having sex with a doll? Finding out that my man was choosing to go in a room with this plastic vagina and get it in with that person, or excuse me, look, I'm calling it a person.

Get it in. Get it in with that thing instead of dealing with me or even single men right now, if there were literally men out here that were no [00:29:00] longer interested in being in relationship with a woman because they got a plastic vagina at home, come on now, Y. We can't do it like that. We can't give. We can't give in like that.

Ladies moderation. Ladies moderation. Okay, . So I hope you guys really enjoyed today's episode. It was fun talking to you guys, especially about this topic. I hope you heard something meaningful. I asked you guys to please like, subscribe, or download the episodes. Please also leave a review, a comment, um, down there, hit one of them stars.

I really appreciate the feedback. Remember, I can be found at Never Stop Chare on TikTok and YouTube and you can also email me at Never Stop with Chare, S H A R I at gmail dot. And as my beautiful, great-grandfather Ben Harmon always says, May [00:30:00] you live as long as you want to and want to as long as you live.

Be blessed. Y'all have a great, great, great wee k. Enjoy it.