Welcome back to my podcast: A Grief Journey. My name is Kay Colley, and I’m your host.
This is the third episode of my podcast series and today I’m going to talk about the stupid things people say to those in grief.
First of all, I’m going to make a quick edit here—people who say these things aren’t being stupid. They are generally just trying to be helpful and don’t know any better. Most of the time, their intentions when they say these things are not to be hurtful, but they often are to those who are in grief. For this episode, I’m only going to talk about a few things that people have actually said to me, but I’m planning to repeat this topic every year, so I hope those of you out there listening will let me know if you’d like to talk with me in the future about the stupid things people said to you when you were in grief. And if you are listening to this podcast and you’ve said one of these things to someone in grief: It’s okay. We can all learn how to do better and be better in times of grief. If you didn’t mean to hurt someone when you said one of these things, then learn from this and do better.
So here are the three things I’m going to talk about today:
- “He’s in a better place.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
These don’t sound so bad, right? Well if you aren’t in grief, maybe they don’t. If you’re listening now and you’ve had someone say these things to you when you were in grief, you know what I mean. If you’ve said one of these things, there’s no reason to cringe. Just keep listening so maybe we all have a better understanding of why these things aren’t the best things to say.
So literally, if you do a google search, you will find hundreds of posts about this topic. I just chose three of the things people said to me when someone I love had just died. When I was in high school, my father died of cancer. I was a freshman in high school, so 14. I grew up in a small town, so everyone pretty much knew that my father was sick, so when he died pretty much the same thing….everyone knew.
My father had been sick for a while and in a good bit of pain, so the first of the three things people have said to me was when I was 14. Now this wasn’t my high school classmates who really didn’t know what to say, and said just that: I don’t know what to say. For me at the time, that was perfect. For me today, that would also be perfect. Sometimes you can learn a lot from kids, but a grownup came up to me and my mother and said: “He’s in a better place, now.” For those of you who believe in the afterlife, you might be saying yes, yes…he’s in a better place, and that may be true, but you don’t always have to say out loud everything that comes to mind. This is one of those times.
My immediate pop-off response today is: How do you know? When did you go and come back? My immediate thought back then was probably not a thought. It was probably anger. Back then, everything made me angry. A better place for my dad is right here with me. That was probably my thought at the time.
No matter what you think or what your beliefs are, you can keep those things to yourself. When you are visiting with grieving family members, your presence is more important than the words you say. If you can’t think of anything to say other than: “he’s in a better place,” don’t say anything at all. Just be there. And for those of you who have had someone say that to you, or people still say that to you, gently reminding people of how the best place for you would be if the person who died was here with you. Letting people know how you feel is important to you in your healing process, but being gentle is also important in your healing process. I’ve lashed out at people before in my grief, and today, it just makes me feel bad when I think about it. So be kind to yourself and be kind to others.
The second thing someone said to me was: Everything happens for a reason. That was said to me after my mother died on Christmas Day. I may have a really unusual take on life. I don’t think so though. And my take on life is this: Things just happen. Sometimes they happen for a reason, but most of the time they don’t. They just happen, and we have to deal with the aftermath, which is why we say “Everything happens for a reason.” We have a hard time dealing with the unknown and the randomness that is life and is also death.
Yes, the death of my father meant that I was able to forge a closer relationship with my mother, but I don’t think that was the reason he died. He died because cancer had taken over his body.
According to the death certificate, my mother died from pneumonia. And basically, she just stopped breathing in her sleep. Her heart finally just gave out. That was the reason she died. Trying to make sense of her death being on Christmas Day puts us in a whole other podcast about feelings and regret.
So when talking with those in grief, avoid this phrase: Everything happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. Life is random. We can’t always make sense of things or put a reason to it. Years later, we look back and say, this led to that because we want to make sense of things. There is just no sense-making in death. So trying to force reason on a random act isn’t helpful to those who are grieving. And for those in grief, letting people know that you don’t agree with that assessment can be helpful to you and to others as they try to offer comfort to those in grief. You might try saying something like: “I really appreciate you being here, but right now, I just need to you be here. You don’t have to say anything. Just be here. That is what I really need now.”
And finally, the phrase that really cuts to the quick: “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Wow…in 9 words you’ve told me “buck up. You can handle this. I don’t want to see you fall apart. Please don’t come talk about how you’re feeling with me because I’m not going to listen, and use that rugged individualism that Americans are so well-known for to just push through this situation”…like grief is a situation that you have to get over or push through. Like you will forget about your loved one if you just don’t talk about her. Like you can get over this and get back to normal. What kind of God would that be who took someone I love away????
Here’s a fact that no one tells you about grief: You will NEVER get back to normal.
Someone I work with visited me in my office when I returned to work after Terry died. I spent about a month hold up in my office, with the door closed after she died. I felt like a wounded animal huddled in the corner of a room just trying to breath, so I came to work, went into my office, shut the door and watched the world outside from my second floor office window. I tried to work. Some days I did, but when I’ve looked back on the work I did during that time, it was clear my mind wasn’t there, just my body. And some days, it felt like I was just observing myself walking through my office.
So one day, this person came into my office when I had inadvertently left the door open. She came over, asked me if she could hug me—I said yes. And when she did she said, I am so sorry. I just found out your partner died, and when I did, I wanted to come over and just give you a hug. I am here for you. Whatever you need. By this point, I was crying, and she said something I’ve remembered on many occasions when I’ve felt scattered…”You’re going to have to find your new normal, and you will. It will just take time.” This was a person of faith, which is often where you will hear the phrase: God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. But she didn’t say that. Instead, she said she was sorry, offered to listen, and recognized that life at that moment was anything but normal and that I would probably start seeking a new life in time and that was okay.
That’s really what we need to hear from people when we are deep in the pit of grief and despair. “I’m sorry. I care. I’m here. It’s okay to be, feel, do whatever you’re doing right at this moment.”
In deep grief, you are often just living moment by moment, so having someone tell you that that’s okay, in whatever way they tell you that, is comforting. At least it was for me. So for those of you who are grieving, tell these people who are saying these things what you need. If that’s just for someone to be there and listen, then tell them that. Just listening is hard. Especially if someone is in pain, but people can learn to just listen rather than offer a platitude to those in grief.
And for those of you who are trying to be with people who are grieving, there is one thing that isn’t on this list. For me, the stupidest thing that anyone has said to me while I’m in grief is nothing at all. I would rather hear something that makes me feel bad than hear nothing from you. That shows me you really don’t care at all. At least if you’re here and saying something, you care enough to try. So get out of yourself and be a presence. Be kind. Be there. That’s what we need from you. Just to be there. Some of the things that have comforted me most were when people just let me talk. They didn’t say anything. They just listened. That is a true gift.
And that wraps it up for the third episode of A Grief Journey. Thank you all for listening. On our next episode, we’ll discuss what do I call myself now after a spouse dies.
Remember, grief is a process, so keep moving through it.
This is Kay Colley. See you next time!