Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want, and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it.
Hello, my friends and welcome to episode number 74 of the Bloom Your Mind podcast.
I was just thinking, wait a minute, what episode number is it going to be when I've been making this thing for a year and a half? Because I blew right past a year and was like all excited about it, but I didn't do anything to celebrate and all of a sudden, I am like five away from being at a year and a half. Whoa, that is wild to me.
That last half year of showing up week after week after week with ideas to make real right for each episode, every week just flew by. It's so cool. I was just sort of scrolling through all the episodes from the past six months and feeling just so great about these concepts being out in the world and remembering some of the feedback I've gotten on them and it's just really exciting.
I think I should do something to celebrate a year and a half, because that's, you know, a weird anniversary to celebrate and that sounds fun, you know, a little party or something.
And also I've been having this experience where I've been meeting new people lately out in the world and happening, you know, when we talk about who we are and what we got going on happening in on the conversation of the podcast and having some really wonderful and inspiring conversations around it, and so just want to send some love out to Jason, who I met at a retreat center and we had some amazing conversations.
He's a family medicine doctor. It's such an inspiring human being who's now with us here listening, and Carissa, who I met at a sushi restaurant, and we had this incredible conversation and she's a listener now. So welcome to all of you who are new to the Bloom your Mind podcast. To many others that I've met recently those are just popping into my mind as some inspiring recents.
To some of my friends who have just said you know, I haven't ever listened to your podcast and have hopped in lately Welcome. And to way and Anthony, who are bloom room graduates who came to the alumni call that I host once a month just to stay connected to everybody, and we're just dropping the love for the podcast every week and, you know, quoting their favorite episodes, and it was just and it's just so wonderful to get that feedback.
So, thank you all of you for being here. It is such a joy to be here with you, and I also wanted to say that we have some incredible interviews coming up. I mean really amazing.
This week I'm interviewing two people that I've known for decades. One of them is Nick Brookins, and he is a senior vice president for Walt Disney. He's worked at Hulu and, aside from being a brilliant speaker and leader and having an incredible brain, he has an incredible heart, this giant, beautiful heart, and he has the wildest story of something happening to him in his life and then making an idea for how to turn that painful thing into something that would benefit the world, and then turn actually doing it, and I cannot wait for y'all to hear his story.
I literally have wanted to tell this story in a blog post format. I wrote it once and didn't quite publish it because things changed in my life, but I've wanted two among others that are coming a little bit later. The next two are Glenn Tripp, who's a CEO and founder of Galileo Innovation Camps.
We're kids and I used to work with him to help educators and kids sort of revolutionize classroom spaces, to help them use design thinking instead of memorization, to make the classroom fun again and to learn to not feel failure. And he's a beautiful human being again, brilliant and beautiful and he's going to be on the podcast in the next couple of weeks.
I'm interviewing him this week and lastly, as a sneak peek, Maggie Reyes is also coming onto the interview. She is a marriage coach, author of the book Questions for Couples Journal. You can buy it on Amazon. It's got 400 questions to enjoy and reflect and connect with your partner, and she's hilarious, and everyone who I know that has ever met Maggie loves her.
So, I'm excited for you to hear her brilliance in turning ideas that you have for your relationship, be that marriage or otherwise, into real things. So those are some little sneak peeks into really cool things coming up. I also have a list of other both San Diego, local and California, Washington and some other places in the country some interviews with people coming up that I'm really excited to share with you.
Today, though, we're talking about thought trades, and this episode today is sort of a refresh and a deep dive into some quick examples, a whole list of quick examples that are illustrative of the model, which is episode 18, which is a fan favorite, The Tool that Changed Everything, and also episode 41, Thought Management vs Positivity.
And so, I'm going to do a quick review very, very quick, of those concepts of the model, just in case you're starting here and not earlier in the podcast list to give you a little context. But this has been coming up so much in each of my coaching clients. They all love the model. We all put it in our tool belt and use it all the time, have it as part of our vernacular as we're coaching and also in my groups, and it's life-changing for most of the people that end up really significantly using it.
And I have endless examples of this, but I thought it might be a nice refresher for all of you because they've really been pretty salient lately. So, I have these examples from my clients, some examples from some of my friends, some of my family, and then I actually chatted with my husband earlier and said what's your example of this? And he had a really beautiful example as well that I'm going to share for thought trades.
So first, before we get into it, I want to say that you know thought work and thought management is. I just think it is a fact that it is helpful to do on it. It is just super helpful to watch the thinker, as Eckhart Tolle says, to be aware of the thoughts running through your head, as we do in any meditation practice, but then to take it further and understand this cognitive model of how they show up in your somatic experience, your feeling state and then your actions, and how they create the results in your life.
It is a model that shows you what you're creating in your life, what you're attracting to you, what you're over-focusing on, what you're when things seem like they're happening to you. All of a sudden you use the model, and you go oh, I see how I'm an actor in this and not just a victim. It's incredibly useful.
I do want to have a little disclaimer here that it isn't the only tool. In my own practice with clients, I use this as one tool, with two main others. The other two are somatic processing, so working with the physical body as well to release stored emotions and tensions.
Somatic processing is really important too. And the third is subconscious mind work. So, I have certifications in both the conscious mind and leadership and life coaching and all kinds of conscious mind work. But I also have a certification in subconscious mind work, and what I mean by that is doing shadow work to unearth the hidden sort of pain points that harbor shame inside of us, and those parts of us are what attract negative experiences to us because we haven't cleared it out of ourselves.
So, some shadow, shadow work and neural pathway rewiring or reprogramming, which I use hypnosis for, and some other tools around triggers. So, I just want to say that the model is so, so, so useful and we don't boil. There are other tools as well that make the model way more powerful.
The model can't necessarily go all the way to the depth of the bottom of what we need. It is one really helpful and I have experienced helpful in all circumstances tool to use. So, there's the disclaimer it's not the Holy grail, but it's one of them.
And so, we're going to talk about thought trades. What do I mean by thought trades? Well, let's just do a quick review that 95% of our thinking is automatic as a necessary function of the brain to filter through all the stimuli as we walk throughout our day.
In order to function, we have to have automatic processing, and so that helps us drive cars and move around our day, because we have some things on lock. We just repeat what we've done before. We don't think through them, we don't have to think through all the steps.
But what that also creates is a huge system of automatic thinking in our brain that is based on all of the things we've lived through, and we don't even know. It seems like there's ties to generational experiences and all different kinds of possibilities for what else we're carrying in there.
So, we have a lot of automatic thoughts and beliefs that are running in the background in the 60,000, over 60,000 thoughts a day that we're having. Only 5% of those are real conscious thoughts that we're choosing right. So, the rest of them are running like wildfire in the background, helping us sort of just make choices about what we're going to do all day, and this really blew my mind when I learned it for the first time.
We also have an 80% negativity bias what? That's no good, but it has a strong function, which is to if we're anticipating negative things, we're going to survive, right, that's how we survived out in the wild. It doesn't help us that much anymore.
Sure, it has functions in today's society as well, but I find it much more helpful for it to be significantly less than 80%, when I can minimize my negative thinking and that of my clients. So those are a couple of baseline reminders about the way our brain sort of works. There. It's all automatic.
There's a lot that's happening that's negative, or avoiding pain, pursuing pleasure, doing what's easy, and the way we want to think about this sort of thought trading that we're doing here is that there are circumstances in the world, and this might be a refresher for some of you.
Circumstances are factual, they're provable in a court of law. The sky is blue, or the sky is gray. If it's a cloudy day, maybe just the sky is cloudy, because we can even argue about colors. I'm thinking, maybe the date, your name, words that were spoken the past is an example of a circumstance. It just happened. Whatever happened, happened.
Then there are our thoughts. So, we're walking around the day, encountering circumstances. This is my house. What's the thought you have about your house? This is my body. What's the thought you have about your body? You walk up to someone that you live with or a close friend. You have a thought about them, and then you have another thought and another thought, right. So, we have all of these thoughts.
Now, our thoughts, our brain can't differentiate between thoughts and facts, which is wild, right. So, it thinks whatever you're thinking is just as true as the date. So that gives us a lot of motivation to choose thoughts that are helpful to us, because our thoughts create our feelings in our body, which then lead to how we act or do not act properly.
If we're feeling shame, we're going to act or not act, very differently than if we're feeling love. And then, based on our actions, our actions always create the results in our life. And the wild thing about this model is that our results always prove our thoughts, and it works every single time. And if it doesn't work, it's because there's a mistake in the model. It's like every time the result proves the thought.
So, when we have thoughts that are creating results in our life that are not helpful, we can do some work to trade them out with a thought that is more helpful. And again, you can listen to other episodes to go into those deep dives.
But lately I've been hearing examples of thought trading that I wanted to share with you, because I find that when I am learning something and working with something, it's very helpful for me to hear examples of practical applications of the thing.
So recently, let's start with me. Today I actually today I had been gone with some girlfriends. This today I actually today I had been gone with some girlfriends. My husband and I went out Friday night to an event that we got all dressed up for with one group of friends. It was so fun.
And then yesterday I was coaching baseball for my son and then later in the day met and went out with girlfriends to a hot Springs near us called Kumba.
And so today was Sunday and it was supposed to be a slow day, because I don't like my weekends to be that busy. Happened to be a really busy weekend and I like to have open weekends.
Went for a walk with one of my best friends and then I was really looking forward to being at home, organizing the house, getting ready for the week, watering the plants, organizing the house, getting ready for the week, watering the plants, reading a book and relaxing a little bit and giving my husband a chance to go surfing.
But then my kids mostly my son wanted to go surfing too. He's got the bug, he's got the stoke, as they call it, and he just wants to surf and surf and surf and surf.
And so, I had this thought, but I have so much to do, it's going to be so stressful if I don't do all of this stuff. And it was creating a little tension for me, and I just paused, and I thought about my priorities and very quickly I traded that out for, and this happens for me all the time with my kids. They're only going to be young once.
How long is he going to want me to watch him surf? This is the only time he's going to be this novice at surfing. It's so adorable. My daughter still wants me to build drip castles with her, literally like. How many more days do I have of that?
You know she's on the cusp right, and so just with one thought, it became the most precious thing to spend my time with them versus getting a bunch of annoying stuff done with the house and yeah, the stuff's still here to come back to, but it feels wonderful to get it done on the margins of afterschool during the week and a little bit tonight and have some stuff undone because it's just not as important as my children. So that was one example with my kids.
Another example with kids. Sometimes, if children are really grumpy, it's really easy as a parent to get really triggered by it and think, like what is wrong with them right now? Why are they being like this? Oh no, did I teach them how to be like this? Why are they acting like this? Why are they acting like this? And if we as parents can swap that thought out with, what need do they have that needs to be filled?
Usually, they're hungry or they're tired or they're stressed because we didn't explain something to them clearly enough and they had a different expectation, or something else is going on and if we can just think about, did they sleep enough? Did they eat enough?
Have they had enough downtime, we actually become much more outward focused and wonderful parents, rather than making it about something that's wrong with them, right? Another episode if you're looking for one, look how far you've come really talks about this in relationships.
How, if we focus on all of the sort of like accomplishments of our children and our partners and our friends, instead of what's wrong, it leads to much more fulfilling, wonderful relationships. Okay, so those are a couple about kids and me and the beach.
Today y'all was a day in the end of April and summer was flirting so hardcore with us. Oh my gosh. She was winking and flirting with us. The sun was out. It felt almost like summer, but the water was cold and there was wind. It was lovely, but we still got a couple months to go before summer is here, but I really enjoyed it. Okay, so there's a couple examples.
I was out at a retreat center that my friend runs, and we spent a bunch of time dropping in with each other and chatting over the weekend. And we were sitting there, and she said you know, I wish I had found your podcast many years ago. I said, tell me about it. And she said I said, tell me about it.
And she said well, something has really changed. The two people that run the retreat center with her, she said the three of us used to have these long lists of all the things we had to do and there was always so much on the lists and we were so stressed out because we always felt behind. We're always telling ourselves we were behind, and these days we've shifted the way we think about it and instead the circumstance has not changed.
The lists are just as long, but we tell ourselves there will always be a forever list. There will always be more to do than we have time to do it. It's no big deal, that's just how it is. And so now nothing has changed in terms of how much there always is to do, but we changed how we're thinking about it and so now it's not stressful at all. We're literally never stressed about it, and I was like, yes, good for you, so amazing.
Another way of thinking about this is if you have a lot to do, essentialism which I'm actually reading a book on right now and I'll probably do a podcast on is doing less. I also have a podcast episode called Do Less or the Art of Doing Less, or something like that.
But this other aspect is that, literally, when you think everyone's waiting on me to get all this stuff done, I have so much to do, I need to do it all, swapping that thought out, for the less I do, the more valuable it will be, not literally doing less, but choosing fewer things to focus on Instead of doing many, many things halfway or not that well.
Essentialism is the art of doing fewer things really well, calming your nervous system, letting your brain focus in and get creative about fewer things. So, the thought my work is more valuable if I choose less, if I do less, really, really helpful. All right, I'm going to give you two more examples. One is from my husband, which was so fun to talk to him about.
I'll end with that, but before that I was actually well, maybe I'll give you two quick ones that are around family and relationships.
A couple of my clients lately have talked about the incredible power when they're listening to their partner and their partner or a friend says because they're very activated or triggered, says things that could be taken to heart, could be really offensive, could be really hard to hear, could be very hurtful.
In the moment when they're listening to their partner, who is triggered, if they think I can't believe they said that I can't believe they feel that way about me, this hurts so much, this is so awful, then they get triggered, and it turns into a fight.
But if in that moment they can think I can be here to support my partner right now, they're clearly having a really hard time. This isn't about me. My job is just to listen. It allows them not to take anything personally and you can talk about those words that are being said later.
It doesn't help to talk about them in the moment when someone is triggered. If you need to talk about them and there's some boundaries crossed, you can talk about them later and you can talk. If there's real boundaries crossed, you can always leave. Remember, always do stuff.
You know whatever's safe for you. But in that moment when you want to be there for your partner but you're having a hard time because they're kind of being edgy or rude or saying some mean stuff. You can switch out the thought any thought that's about how they feel about you to.
I can just listen. My job is just to listen. I'll figure out what I think about it later. I can be there for them. Right now, they're having a hard time.
It is so good for me in my relationships and has changed so many relationships of mine, because people can just have space sometimes to not be at their best and I can just listen and know it's not about me. And if they give me feedback for things that they want me to change, I am always down.
But if they say it in an offensive way, I can just know that's not about me. That is something that has helped me over the years when other people are triggered and has really been helping my clients. So, another episode to listen to. This is all about listening skills. So, dig into that if you need it and then also reach out to me if you want more listening skills, because I can make another episode if you ask for it.
And then, lastly, I was walking with someone that I really love lately and we were each talking about a hard things that have been going on and I was sharing with the person a couple of hard things and the person this is someone very close to me and she stopped and we were taking a walk and she was at a stoplight and some look passed over her face and I said what's up?
What's going on? And she kind of just paused and then she said you know what's going on is, I was just having this feeling of deep sadness that you didn't reach out to me when that was going on and that you didn't call me for me to help you. And you know it was. It's such my instinct to be like hey, but I did call you, or like you know, to make it better in the moment, but just choosing the thought that's her feeling, I can respect and respect her space and give her time to feel her feeling.
Instead, when I choose that thought, I can just nod, say I hear you right and validate the experience she's having. Whether it makes sense or not, like afterwards it can be like yo, I was out of town, that's why I didn't call you or whatever, you know. But in the moment my job is just to be there for her, you know, and to validate what she's feeling.
So, if that's helpful, that is incredibly helpful to me. We don't have to fix anything that anybody else is feeling. We need to respect that. They're having their own emotional experience, all right.
So, the last one I'm going to close out with is this brilliant conversation with my husband. I was kind of saying, hey, I'm doing this episode. Do you have anything that is like specifically a thought trade that has been really helpful for you? And he said, well, yeah, you know thought for a little bit.
And he said, you know, he used to be a touring musician that was pretty big. And he said it really shifted because back in my twenties, when I was touring and we were touring with all these big bands and I used to measure our success by the expectations that everybody had of me, of our band, of all of us.
He said I was measuring myself against my own insecurities, taking all the things that I already thought about myself and then adding the negative things that people had said about our band. And then I made that into the idea of what not to be, when I started off making music for fun and with my buds and it was wonderful.
Then, after making it for a while I compiled this sort of like anti-self for us where I was just trying to make music. That wasn't my insecurities, that wasn't the negative stuff people had said. And he said, you know, what was really wild was that every one of us in the band had a different image of what that was that we're trying not to be, and so that made it even harder right, because we all were, you know, have trying not to be whatever this insecurity image was.
And he also said and all the other bands I talked to had the same process, they felt the same way that somewhere along the way they got enough feedback and enough of it was critical that making music became about trying not to be something that you didn't want to be.
He said it started out being lighthearted and fun and thoughtful and kind the music was, and now what I want it to be is authentic. Now when I make music, it's lighthearted again and fun and thoughtful and kind. It's a lot less desperate.
It brings focus and authenticity because instead of thinking how do I not disappoint people or how do I make music, that's not the way I don't want to be I'm thinking what feels good to me right now, what do I want to write? What do I want to say? What do I want to create? He said want to say what do I want to create? He said the circumstance hasn't changed.
I'm not a different person with different ideas. I'm still the same writer and the same guitarist, it's just that my lens has changed and I'm loving myself a little bit more. Oh, isn't that beautiful, you guys? He's the best, and that's how it is. With painting too, I swear.
In graduate school and beyond, making paintings was such a similar experience. I really resonated with this. And the other thing he said that was brilliant and that applies to all of us on this podcast who are making any idea real. He said you know, every idea starts authentically. Right, pretty much every idea.
He said that every idea that he's had, and I would agree with this every idea starts feeling authentic. But then he said, somewhere along the way, you start putting that idea through the meat grinder of your own ego and that idea comes out a little bit diminished. What drop in quotes, Max?
He said every idea starts out authentic, but then, somewhere along the way, you put it through the meat grinder of your own ego and what comes out? The other end, the idea is a little bit diminished. I just thought that was so beautiful.
And one of these people, carissa, that I met at that sushi bar. She said you know; I have all these ideas, but I have to keep them incubated. I have to keep them inside me before I share them with the outside world, because if I start getting other people's opinions on them, they just blow up or they fizzle out or I just I'm not ready for them. So, I have to incubate them inside. And I said word. I said I call that believing in the after right.
And if you've listened to the podcast, you've probably heard me talk about that Believing in your idea so much that it's stronger than all the evidence that the existing world before your idea is it is going to give you that it doesn't belong there because it can't. The world can't validate our ideas because our ideas are only inside us at first.
So, we have to believe in them so much. So, we have to choose thoughts that are like it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. What matters is that this feels right to me. What do I want to say right now? What do I want to make?
There aren't any shoulds here and nobody's expectations to me. There's just you in the world with your big, beautiful ideas that we cannot wait to hear about and to see.
That's what I've got for you today. My friends and I will see you next week.
Thanks for hanging out with me, friends. If you like today's episode and you want more of them, please take two minutes right now to subscribe and give me a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. Then send this episode to a friend. See you next time.
