Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want, and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it.
Hello everyone, and welcome to episode number 78 of the Bloom your Mind podcast. I am talking to you today about a topic that I'm so fired up about, so excited to talk about this topic because it is so alive in my own life, and I am hearing about it from so many folks.
People are listening to the episode the Freedom of a Hard No and giving me so much feedback about how helpful it is, how resonant it is with what they're going through in their own lives, and I also. That whole episode is really talking about how resonant it is for me as well, and you know in that episode I talk a lot. If you haven't listened to it yet, some close notes are that I talk a lot about the clarity, how you come from a very clear space emotionally as you set boundaries around where your nose are your hard nose and your hell yeses.
It creates space for you to say yes to the hell. Yes, and what I have experienced lately in my life is because of this real determined work I've been doing in finding my hard nose and standing by them with like love and compassion. Just because it's a hard no, it doesn't have to sound harsh, right? Eckhart Tolle calls it a high-quality no when you say no. That's not for me. I'm not open to that. I'm not interested in that. That's not something I'm going to spend time on right now. No, thank you. All of those are fine. It can be a hard no, expression of a hard no, but what I have been experiencing, as I talked a little bit about on the last episode, unexpected Love, is so much of the evidence of what the hard no makes space for in the hell. Yes.
And today I'm going to be referencing a few different books and another podcast interview to kind of give you an introduction to this philosophy that's really been changing my life, called essentialism an introduction to this philosophy that's really been changing my life, called essentialism. So, the reason that the hard no's have been showing up as such sort of a freedom creator in my life recently is because I've been having so much time lately with people that fill me up, people in my life, friends, new friendships, old friendships revived.
You know, folks I haven't seen in a really long time, because I have sort of said no more emphatically to things that are requesting time, which don't feed me and feed my soul and that aren't an expression of me making my highest contribution to the world. It has created a lot more space and time for people that do nourish and feed my soul and for me to take back time to work on the thing that is the best expression of how I can serve the world through what I'm passionate about. So I've been going to these this birthday party that I went to I think I told you a little bit about it last week where we were all wearing glitter and sequins to celebrate a dear friend and so many graduation parties and birthdays and beautiful celebrations of the people around me, but also lots of time in my garden and so much good time with my beloved husband and children and long walks with my best friends and long walks by myself.
And I have opened up time in my schedule for thinking time, free brain space time, which is so important to me, and I know that many of my listeners also really value that creative brain space, the downtime that gives us the opportunity to think creatively, to innovate, to reflect on what we want and how we're going to do it, what brings us joy, how we can contribute. And that happens in downtime. It happens when we give ourselves space to relax for me, garden right, yoga, sauna, long walks, downtime, thinking time, and so today, what I'd love to offer to you are some.
If you are someone that maybe has a calendar that's filled a little bit too full or is stretching to try to get to the things that are really important to you, I'm going to share a few of the reasons why that might be the case. A little anecdotal story of my own experience over these last six months with it, both the kind of falling down from protecting my time and then picking myself back up, dusting myself off and getting back to it.
So, in his book Essentialism, Greg McKeown and this is an incredible book, and I will make another podcast episode about essentialism he talks about how the word priority y'all listen to this it actually has an origin of meaning only one thing, not priorities. Priority, meaning you have one priority. But in the 1900s we changed the meaning of that and optimized it, because we have a hard time as human beings practicing constraint to mean multiple priorities, which is hilarious, right, because it literally contradicts the etymology of the word.
It contradicts the definition of the word priority, which means one thing, and McKeown goes on to talk about how, when you really determine what your highest contribution is in the world, it requires discipline in order to accomplish that thing and truly give your gift to the world. Whatever that is, it requires a lot of nos, a lot of deciding that things are not worth your time and energy, and when you do that, that ball of energy inside you goes really far in one direction. So, like, think about that. I think we can all relate to that. When we have focused solely on one or two things and if we're going with this definition of priority as being one thing, let's say, when we really had a deadline or an art show or a book we're writing, or a wedding or whatever it is a birthday party and we're dedicating all of our main focus to that thing, we do it really well.
But in our society today, what often happens is we're pulled in many different directions. So instead of our energy going out really far in a straight line, it's like a spiky ball going out in all different directions being pulled. These threads are being pulled in all these different directions because we aren't super skilled at saying no, at practicing constraint, and there are a lot of good reasons for that also have a lot of noise.
In his interview, Glen Tripp talked about how much noise there is in our culture and this in his book, essentialism, McKeown also reiterates that, you know there are constant pings for our attention through social media, through texting, through technology and just our proximity to each other and to stimulation and to a world of possibility and ways of being. There's a lot of pings for our attention and there are a lot of things we can do and ways we can be and we're not great at saying no, at honing in on a couple of those things.
But when we do and when we get really good at filtering through the noise of too many choices, too many requests of our attention, we are much more happy, fulfilled and able to contribute in a beautiful way, are really significant contribution to the world, which that is my passion, is seeing folks do that. See where your heart's deep longing meets the world's deep need, where we feel that true fulfillment of contributing something to the world that feels like us. It feels so good.
Now in this book I was reading about how we oftentimes, in the stage of life that I'm in and some of you know, I would say anywhere, it can happen for different people at different times. Anywhere from like your late teens, I guess, or early 20s, it could happen through you know, the end of your life, you may get to a point where your community knows you, or the world knows you as competent in certain areas, and as the world around you begins to understand your competence, the world will make requests of your time, and this is my experience for sure.
So, think about if you can relate to that. And what he says is that if you do not decide how to spend your time, other people will. Even beautiful, well-intentioned people like our best friends and our family. They'll decide how you get to spend the main priorities of your life, the time of your life, the energy of your life. The people around you will decide that for you and people that we're not so close to as well, especially when you're known for competence in certain areas.
So, if this hasn't yet given you some motivation to hone your skill at saying no because you get when you do you can make a stronger contribution to the world. It gives you more chances at fulfillment and happiness, and also it gives you a lot more space for the hell yes. Type things to take up the empty space in your life time with amazing people, things you enjoy to do.
If it hasn't gotten you there yet, I'm going to tell you about an experience that I had, where I've talked a little bit about this, but I was spending so much time over the past couple of years doing my very favorite thing, which is to think, to think about how I can contribute, to think about how I can serve clients through my work, serve humanity through my work and get the very best results for people that I can, because my work is to help people turn ideas into real things that'll make the world a better place, and in doing that, they also make their lives better and they bloom into these beautifully overflowing, fulfilled versions of themselves. Because they did it, I'm so passionate about doing it.
It is the best job in the world because I get to put into my brain bucket every single day the study of how to be amazing in a human body with a human mind. That's what I study all day is how to be a good communicator, how to be, you know, sort of milk the creativity in your mind, how to contribute at a high level, how to be more successful and efficient in your work, how to be wonderful in your relationships, how to treat yourself with more kindness and love. This is a wonderful thing. It's. The biggest perk of being a coach is what you get to fill your brain with.
But about six months ago I began to get these pings for my attention. That were strong requests from the world around me, from a couple of relationships that are close relationship, that were requesting my time and that needed help, and I very easily sat down my work and went to help and abandoned my priorities for a while and went to help in multiple, multiple people's lives who had asked me for it. And then my kid's school needed significant help and my kid's school is amazing.
This does not reflect on them; it reflects on me. I love my kid's school, I love serving there, and I began to serve more and more hours in this need that we had as a community than I actually had to give, and so the things that suffered were my work. I really took a lot of time away from my work and my exercise and self-care and my friendships, those long walks, that leisurely time with the people that I love, and I began to be really pulled in this direction of service.
Now, a couple months ago, I realized what was happening and I've been instead of launching new Bloom Rooms, I just served the people that were in the Bloom Room and did not start another one when I was going to because my time was so full. Now that is actually a blessing in disguise because it's giving me some incubation time to evolve the program that I'm actually really excited that I have with all the feedback from all the participants from last year and I wish I had even planned it that way, because I'm going to launch in September with a whole bunch of evolved new material.
But here's what I saw. I saw the old people pleasing parts of myself that have been socialized as a woman, as a, as someone who identifies as female. I have been socialized that my value is to serve, my value is to help. I mean, I've been socialized as a woman that my value is in looking beautiful and serving and working hard. And as I look back on that time and working hard, and as I look back on that time, I realized my old pattern sort of took hold, my old programming of I am of the most value to the world If I'm serving, serving, serving, serving and not being compensated for it.
It was so much more comfortable on some level to give without receiving anything. Volunteering, nurturing, caretaking, helping, solving problems was, on some level, more comfortable for me than the exchange of doing this incredible work that has been changing lives for an energy exchange of people paying me and when I saw that I really it blew my mind to see something that I thought was an old piece of programming that I've worked through hop up again in this weird, insidious way that actually allowed me to contribute a lot. I'm really glad I did. I love again the volunteer experience, but it was really interesting to reflect on that in myself.
There's somebody that has written a book her name's Kara Loewentheil and it's called Take Back Your Brain and it's about how to think about being a woman in society and how to get the programming out of your head, and she has a lot to say about how, as women, we're taught to be successful but not too successful, how to be kind, how not to emasculate anyone around you, how to be very careful about that in your life, and I just saw some of that coming up.
So, it is. I wanted to share it here with you because that idea of how we're socialized as women and I think the idea benefits anybody, whether you identify as female or not, benefits everybody to understand and think about dovetails with this idea of saying yes to everything and the cost of that. When we say yes to everything, when we people please, when we serve, when we fulfill all the requests of our time, here are what the costs are. Number one, there is a cost that the world doesn't ever get the full contribution that you were born to make, and I feel that way.
I'm like whoa, if I got pulled away too hard from the Bloom Room and my podcast and the book I'm writing, the world would never have that stuff and it's the work of my life. It is my great honor to contribute to that, and the people that are in the Bloom Room are coming up with these projects and putting inventions and creations and love into the world. That wasn't there before and without the Bloom Room they wouldn't be doing it.
So, I know that this is my actual most valuable contribution, but I got pulled away from it so easily because it's safer to be small and I know I've been trained that way, but also by saying yes, it sucked away my energy right from that straight line. That goes really far in one direction in the contribution of my work into being pulled in all of these different directions.
You know I was listening to Super Soul Sunday with Oprah. She has a podcast. I listened to it for the first-time, big Oprah fan, I think she's amazing, and as do we all, I imagine, but she was. She was interviewing someone that said that we all have a God-sized hole inside of us and you know whatever language you like for that. I have been thinking about that, as I've been thinking about this topic for the podcast and this idea of essentialism and prioritization.
And that God-sized hole he says we fill it. You know we can fill it with the presence of loving ourselves, being with ourselves, spending time with ourselves, enjoying our own company. But if we can't do that, we're going to fill it with all kinds of other stuff, whether that's food or alcohol or work or service, right?
Sometimes it's easier for me, rather than to do the hard work of continuing to every day believe in myself, right, which I think you know sometimes comes easily and sometimes doesn't to be like this is. You know, I have everything that I need today to make an incredible impact and serve everybody that I'm going to serve in the best way. Sometimes it's easier just to say yes to everybody needing things right in front of me, but the cost of that is that that hole stays in the middle.
The cost of that is that the world doesn't get my contribution, your contribution, and the cost of that also is that the power structures that exist now don't get questioned. There's not enough shift for people that are a little bit scared to speak or disempowered or not, you know, not typically the one with a microphone, the ones that want to serve, the ones that want to help. If we don't stand up and take the mic and make change, change doesn't happen.
And especially, I want to say, for women, from the perspective of a woman, it is so important for us to not always be caretaking and not always be serving, but to find our no's and our beautiful yes's so we can make the contribution to the world that only we can make, that only you can make. That is what I've got for you today. I'll have more on essentialism for you, but for now it's so wonderful to be with you and I will see you next week.
Thanks for hanging out with me, friends. If you like today's episode and you want more of them, please take two minutes right now to subscribe and give me a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. Then send this episode to a friend. See you next time.
