Ep 81: Quiet and Play

In today's episode, we're talking about slowness and the power of quiet and play. Whether your goal is about productivity, choosing how to prioritize the moments of your time, or deeply connecting with other people, all of them have a through line emphasizing the importance of making space for stillness to experience a confident knowing of what you want to do with the moments of your life. By integrating more quiet and play into our routines, we can bring our best selves to our communities and the world.

What you'll learn in this episode:

How quiet and play can bring clarity, confidence, and deep connections
Understanding how the words you use can shape your reality
Practical advice on how to make time for stillness and play in your daily life
How reconnecting with childhood joys can help you be your best self

Mentioned in this episode:

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown
Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap... And Others Don't
by Jim Collins
Stanford d.school

How to connect with Marie:

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind podcast, where we take all of your ideas for what you want, and we turn them into real things. I'm your host, certified coach Marie McDonald. Let's get into it.

Hi everyone, welcome to episode number 81 of the Bloom Your Mind podcast. Oh my gosh, you know what I love. I hear from some of you through text or social media or whatever connection you have with me, and you tell me that you love having me in your ears, and then I see all of your faces when I'm recording and it's so fun to think of all of you. So hello, all my beautiful friends, whether I know you personally or not, I'm so glad to be with you today.

It is summer vacation around here and it's sort of like the second or third day of it, I guess official day, and it feels like it. The kids, I have two children and they did not want to do any summer camps except for one week of summer camp this year, and I mentioned this a couple of times ago. So, we are just kind of YOLO in it and having them have lots of playtime.

So, I'm sitting here at my desk and just thinking about the last few days, which were the end of the school year culminations. Now I have a middle schooler and a second grader. I got to speak at a graduation this weekend. Briefly, which was so cool. At this graduation Every graduating senior, it was a small class and every single one of them got to speak. I was thinking about that because 25 years ago I graduated from high school, and I was the only one that spoke or maybe there was me and one other student, but I got to speak at my graduation, and it was so cool to be there.

Such an honor to speak, be there with them and then to hear all of them share their wisdom and their thoughts filled my heart. I was sitting outside the window here where I'm recording. I see these hand-painted signs from a lemonade stand and a barbecue that we had to close the school year out for my kids, and I look around the house and it's all open and it feels slow, and I just love the seasonality. I'm wondering what summer is feeling like for you. So today we're talking about that slowness. We're talking about the power of quiet and the power of play and what comes out of them.

I've been doing a lot of reading and I plan to do a lot more reading this summer I've shared on social media the lineup of books that I have planned ahead of me, and I leave for a couple of weeks for a vacation pretty soon here, and when we're gone, I'm always one that will take a stack of books with me and I hope to read some of these.

So, one theme that has been woven through all of the things that I'm reading, whether the book is about productivity, or whether the book is about choosing how to prioritize the moments of your time, or whether the book is about deeply connecting with other people. Some of the books I've been reading are about deeply connecting with loved ones, with building relationships, and some others are about building your imagination and living a deeply rich life connected to your soul and your spirit.

And all of them have a through line of the importance of making space for stillness and quiet and for play, because what arises out of those still spaces and the playful spaces is a true, clear, confident knowing of what you want to do with these moments of your life. So here are some of the things I want to talk about.

First, I'm going to talk about quiet, then I'm going to talk about play and then I'll talk a little bit about kind of what can come out of them when we think about quiet.

I once in my twenties was taking these classes and I really understood the concept that our words create reality. Just think about it. If I say to you that I'm going to have a party on a certain date, then you might mark your calendar and save that date and say no to other things. If we accept a friend date with someone, same thing they're going to start editing their time and planning around that.

This is just like on the on the level of our time, how we spend our time and our word. If I say I'm going to bring something to a potluck gathering, a certain food, then someone else is not going to bring that food right. Like whatever we say, we are creating something that has dependencies when we're saying it to other people. When I say I'm going to get home at a certain time, my husband might have dinner ready around that time. Like everything that we say other people are depending on, so they create realities in that way.

We also create realities with our words in how we teach other people to think about us. So, if we say I'm always late, I'm just exhausted, I put too much on my plate, I'm overwhelmed. We create an awareness of ourselves in someone else's mind, of us being that if we say you and I are just not on the same page right now and we're having a really hard time right now, that then is a reality in the other person's mind. When we speak, we create realities.

This can really get us into trouble sometimes, because we have all of these thoughts that are passing through our mind and sometimes those thoughts, those stories about reality, are infused with a lot of emotion and sometimes they feel really important in the moment and then a couple days later they fizzle out and aren't as important to us. But we've all had those experiences where, if we say them out loud in a moment when we're feeling impassioned, we create reality for someone else and we can't take those words back sometimes.

So, we create reality in that way too. And I don't just mean like saying something you don't mean when you're angry, but I also mean sometimes we're in the story of you. Always leave me out, I'm not important to you, we're just not connecting, we've grown apart. Whatever those things are, create that same perspective in someone else's mind when it wasn't there before. So, I've talked a lot on the podcast before about how you can do that in the inverse way.

When you feel, hey, we're really close, we're really special to each other, we have a very special relationship, you create that kind of understanding in the other person's mind right in a positive way, in a way that creates more of what you want potentially. You know, as long as you're being authentic and speaking what's true, it can be really helpful to pause and introduce some quiet in our communication with other people.

To really think about is what we're experiencing right now that we're going to say out loud to the person something that we want potentially to alter the future, because whatever I say, I'm either committing to bringing that thing to the potluck or I'm creating in their mind an understanding of me, or I'm defining our relationship with my words and what if I don't want that to be the definition of our relationship?

You know I'm not saying that you shouldn't say things that are negative or that you want to walk through and work through with a person, but I do think it's really important to realize that whatever you say creates reality.

So, once I understood this whoa in my twenties, I started talking less for a while. I'll tell you I've said this on the podcast before that sometimes, when I feel like my hormones are imbalanced and my emotions are higher than normal or more all over the place than normal, I talk less because I don't feel that steady, steady feeling that I normally have, and so I just don't want to create reality with my words.

If I'm feeling like, it feels skewed toward the negative, today I feel like my hormones are up at this time of the month or whatever, so we can really be aware of that. And when I was at this time of my life when I was aware of becoming aware of how much reality we create with our words, I also knew someone that was taking these classes that barely spoke for almost a year, because this person was realizing the reality of, and the weight of, how much reality we create when we speak.

So, what happens when we're speaking less? There's an acronym that's from Al-Anon, actually that's W-A-I-T. Wait, it's why am I talking? And that can be really amazing sometimes when we hear ourselves talking a lot. To just introduce that. Why am I talking right now? What am I doing? What happened if I just stopped? It feels so important to fill the space with words for some of us sometimes.

But what happens when we quiet down? Well, first of all, we listen so much more. We can listen for what's being said and for what's not being said. When we stop competing for space verbally being said, when we stop competing for space verbally, then we maybe have the nuance of listening not just to the loudest voice or the one who has the mic the most often, but to all the voices. And some ways that we can play is to listen to what's being said, listen for the voices that don't have the mic most of the time. What are they saying? What are they all about?

Listen for patterns in what people are saying and in what people are not saying. And, most importantly and this comes from this book by Greg McKeown and that I'll be pulling on periodically in the next few episodes and did last episode Greg says we can listen for what piques our interest, and he actually gives in this book Essentialism, the example of an individual that is really quiet during a conversation at a dinner table and everyone thinks he's not listening.

But really, he's listening very carefully and tuning out all the things that don't interest him and he's listening for only the things that most pique his interest. So cool. I love that and that is going to also be in line with where we're going in this episode with the power of play and finding what we want to spend our time doing. What's that idea we want to make real? What's the idea we want the most, okay? Another thing, have you ever heard the Pied Piper idea we want the most, okay? Another thing, have you ever heard of the Pied Piper?

I once met a person that worked with children. That was like I thought he was like literally the Pied Piper, and he was quiet, and he would, with a quiet energy, all of the kids. He would sort of walk out into a group of kids and they would all stop their playing and run towards him and gather around him. I thought of this the other day because I was in a quieter place, I was really quiet, and I was around a bunch of kids.

A few of them who sometimes are just kind of hard to connect with or like they have their certain favorite grownups and then they don't really see the other grownups around them. So, a couple of them I haven't connected, you know, off and on I've connected with, but this day I was really quiet, and I noticed that all of the kids were drawn to me.

They came with, they heard all the loud noises around them and all the adults talking and I was so surprised because all these children came and were just one by one kind of coming over to me and one would cock their heads to the side and just give me these big, beautiful eyes and smile, soft smile, and I'd say something really soft to the child to pique their interest or play with them, and they would giggle but really not fill up the space. And I noticed that happening with adults sometimes too. When we just are quieter, it draws people to us.

Two more things I want to say about this, about this quietness, is that when we're used to filling our time with things and filling our space with words, it can be really important to create an escape where you make yourself unavailable in order to experience the quiet, the quiet that creates space and time for ideas to come in, for your truth to come in, for wisdom to come in, for you to hear the quiet whisperings of your soul.

Sometimes that means you got to block that calendar, girl. You could say meeting with a CEO, that's what you could say on your calendar if other people have access to it, or if it will remind you to treat it like you're meeting with the president of whatever is important to you, whatever president you like. So, I just want to say that we often will create movement towards the things that we love, towards create movement and progress towards things because of a deadline that is, the CEO of quiet. You and your brain have a really important ass meeting that you schedule on your calendar for two hours and you just listen. So if you do read this book, essentialism this is something that's substantiated by, like, all the big famous CEOs, the D school at Stanford, Ido, which is the design thinking Institute, but also CEOs of like I can't even remember Twitter and Facebook and Google and all the big famous leaders really block time for quiet and that's when their minds get to think more strategically, which we all need to do. That word strategy might scare you or it might turn you off.

Might apply to you or not apply to you, but if you think, it doesn't just think of the word strategy as higher level, creative thinking, soul thinking, deep wisdom, thinking, super thinking about your life, your time, yourself, what matters to you. So, schedule some time. Turn off all your notifications. So, schedule some time, turn off all your notifications, check out, so nobody gets to take that time, it's only you for you.

The Pareto principle many of you have heard about that where 80% of our results come from 20% of our efforts. That 20% of our efforts is often related, when they really look at it, to strategic thinking time, to quiet time to time when we check out of all the busy stuff in our lives asking for our attention and actually create space.

That's what creates that big, beautiful 80% results of what we want in our life, whether that's painting, a painting connecting with people you love, or it's more, you know, literal business results, like the results that get you what you want and an organization or a business that you're growing. That usually comes from the still time. I also want to say that's what I've got to say about stillness, about quiet, about how much I think it's a thing that we should strive for.

But I do want to say that sometimes it can take a long time to unrattle and unwind the urge to do so. If you've got a two-hour chunk, that's like I'm meeting with my brain during this time you might have a hard time with it at first, and that is good. That is good. Sit with it, see what happens. Eventually something cool will happen, sometimes when people are really in the midst of a burnout cycle.

I have seen this happen a lot. Sometimes people will start to rest when they're really moving, moving, moving. They start taking quiet time in the form of resting more and then they just don't want to get back up. They have to rest for weeks and weeks and weeks to build their energy back. There's an example of that in this book Essentialism. I have seen after COVID a lot of people step back from their work and then do not want to go back to work. Right, we had the great resignation there and I've seen that in a lot of my friends and colleagues.

Where we all step back from the busy culture, the hustle culture, and it takes a lot longer than we thought to want to ramp back up at all. It can also feel like that when you stop talking as much, it can feel so good.

It reminds me of when people are healing from the trauma response or triggered response of fawning. There's fight, flight, freeze, fawn, block. There are a couple of others that are like peripheral, but for fawning, which was what I dealt with for a long time, fawning is like my primary response is keeping everybody from blowing up right, keeping everybody happy.

Sometimes, when we are healing from that, we have to get a little bit spiky. We have to get a little bit harsh in our responses or we just have a straight face and don't emote as much. Because the pendulum when we're swinging and we're healing from something, the pendulum sometimes goes pretty far in the other direction before it balances back out.

So if we're stopping people pleasing which is fawning, for instance and we really understand that a lot of what we're doing is just we're stopping people pleasing, which is fawning, for instance, and we really understand that a lot of what we're doing is just we're just doing it to make other people happy and we decide to stop.

It can be funny we stopped doing anything to make anybody happy and the pendulum swings way far to that side before it gets into the middle where we can compassionately say no, thanks, no, I'm not available for that, with a smile Instead of no, get out of here. When we're saying no to something that someone's asking us for, that's a hard no for us. So, this is similar to introducing quiet into your life. Sometimes you might realize that you need to go way in the direction of quiet before you balance back out. All right, let's talk a little bit about play before we close out.

I've also been reading a book called The Anxious Generation. I think I've recommended it before on here. I recommended it to everyone. They talk about the importance of play to the development of the human brain, social skills, creative confidence, creativity itself and imagination, and social confidence and self-confidence and this I really think applies to adults too self-confidence and this I really think applies to adults too.

Developmentally, yes, it's science-backed to show that a play-based childhood is hugely important, and that play-based childhood happens in the world, outside, with people face-to-face, not in digital spaces. I also have experienced that with adults too.

It's so easy for us adults not only to fill our time, all of our quiet spaces, up, but also to fill all of our play spaces up with productivity, and I have noticed that when we introduce more space for play, there is more flexibility in us. That comes up, there's more happiness, there's more of our just selves, our authentic selves, our honest expression, our creativity, our individual strengths and voice and wants and needs come out. Some of them are quoted in Greg McKeown's book.

Einstein says that he always valued the gift of his fantastic thinking over the gift he had to absorb knowledge that imagination and play were more important than anything else. We know that when we have play in our days, we are more productive. We fight that so much. Play in our days, we are more productive. We fight that so much. But when we play, when we rest, take time to shut down our brains, when we create quiet, still spaces and when we play, our stress levels are lower, our creative thinking is higher, and we have more harmony in our relationships.

And one of the things if you're like, yeah, but how do I play, girl, I got stuff on my plate and also I don't even know how to play anymore Let me say that I notice when we ask ourselves, what did we love to do when we were a kid. We can find some good answers there when I think about it.

I loved playing outside. I loved making potions and stuff in the forest. I loved, like, making potions and stuff in the forest. I loved walking around in the avocado groves and whatever forest-like environment I had around me and I loved being barefoot and I loved climbing trees, and I loved all the plants, and I lived in my imagination. Back then, I loved drawing, I loved art, I loved playing with people that I loved, right, and I loved running around.

So, I think about that and like all of those things are the same for me now. They just look a little different.

I have an obsessive amount of plants in my house, inside and outside, edible and decorative. They're everywhere. When I'm stressed, I tend to buy a new plant. That's my retail therapy. It's pretty annoying to my husband sometimes. I came home with the most giant palm the other day and he was like girl, what is happening? Where is that going to go? And it takes so long to water them.

But I love being around living things and I realize that that is the same as my little girl self that used to climb these trees. That used to climb these trees.

When I have a really rough experience in life or I lead a retreat that takes a lot of energy, even if it's a great experience, I tend to go garden for a day or two and it brings me back to center. I love it, just like I did when I was a little girl. It's play. I love playing with plants, I love playing with dirt. I love playing outside. I also love hiking, exploring, adventure, I love traveling.

That's the same as when I was a little girl and I have an art studio. I love painting. It's the same. I used to love to draw. I love being with people and laughing really hard Same as when I was a little girl. And I love my imagination. My imagination is a little different now. It's like my brain playground, which I talk about a lot.

This podcast is like play for me, coming up with the ideas that I think will help, but that also I get to play around with. I'm playing pickleball in my brain, batting these ideas around, seeing what makes sense. It's fun. So, what do you love?

Your first two questions, before I wrap up here, are where and how can you create some more space, some more stillness in your life? Is it by blocking out areas of time? Is it by talking less and listening more? What happens when you listen? For patterns and for what piques your interest? For what's not being said? How can you have more awareness that your words are creating reality?

And then for play what do you love? How can you do it more If you don't know what did you love when you were little? And then let's just go back to this idea that when we do create more space for quiet and for play, opportunity comes. The opportunity that is, as the author of Good to Great said, an amazing book.

If there's one thing that you're good at and you can be the best at do, that one thing, he says and especially if that one thing that you love to do and that you are really good at, the thing gives space for your passion and your imagination, or your fire, or your spark of aliveness, that thing that lights you up and turns you on and makes you feel alive. Where does that thing meet, what you're really good at and what the world needs?

For me, it's this. It's leading, it's teaching, it's coaching, it's leading a community of people that want to envision and create a better world, starting with themselves, their own individual lives, redesigning their contribution to their own communities and then to the world. Like, what are each of us going to do and how can we have a blast doing it? How do we bring our best selves and our truest gifts to make the world better?

That is what I want to do, and I want to do it by helping people get out of the painful parts, work through the painful parts, understand how to manage their mind and their body so that they can truly consistently bring the best of themselves to the world and feel good. I do that through these group programs. I do it through workshops, through free webinars and retreats that I lead, and this podcast and my individual and group coaching.

All of that, but next year, a mastermind where I'm going to let people really do a deep dive for six months with me.

This is my passion; this is my work. What is yours doesn't have to be related, like I just said to my work. Maybe it's related to your family, maybe it's related to your home space, maybe it's related to your play. What is it for you? That's what I've got for you this week. My friends and I will see you next week.

Thanks for hanging out with me, friends. If you like today's episode and you want more of them, please take two minutes right now to subscribe and give me a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. Then send this episode to a friend. See you next time.

Bloom Your Mind

Ep 81: Quiet and Play

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