Notes on Resilience
Conversations about trauma, resilience, and compassion.
How do we genuinely support individuals who have experienced trauma and build inclusive and safe environments? Trauma significantly affects the mental and physical health of those who experience it, and personal resiliency is only part of the solution. The rest lies in addressing organizational, systemic, and social determinants of health and wellness, and making the effort to genuinely understand the impact of trauma.
Here, we ask and answer the tough questions about how wellness is framed in an organizational context, what supports are available and why, what the barriers are to supporting trauma survivors, and what best practices contribute to mental wellness. These conversations provide a framework to identify areas for change and actionable steps to reshape organizations to be truly trauma sensitive.
Notes on Resilience
70: Advocating for Resilience, Turning Personal Loss into a Beacon for Advocacy, with Reggie Reed
When your world crumbles, how do you find the strength to rebuild?
In this new episode in our series, Advocating for Resilience, Reggie Reed shares a narrative of personal loss and the effort to transform grief into advocacy. He tells us about how he confronted the murder of his mother and the indictment of his father to become a beacon for others wrestling with feeling voiceless.
We discuss the insights into the resilience and leadership that can be born from the depths of despair, the power of sharing one's story, charting a path forward when the script is unwritten, and the catharsis of seeing your deepest struggles resonate with others. Reggie pays homage to Nelson Mandela's ideals, and his own journey mirrors such perseverance.
Reggie Reed is an author and an accomplished professional in the pharmaceutical industry. He holds a Master’s Degree in business and global marketing. In his first book, The Day My Mother Never Came Home, Reed recalls the events surrounding the unsolved murder of his mother and the subsequent indictment and trial of his father 32 years later.
Learn more about Reggie on his website or Facebook, or email him rlreedbooks@gmail.com
Go to https://betterhelp.com/resilience or click Notes on Resilience during sign up for 10% off your first month of therapy with my sponsor BetterHelp.
Producer / Editor: Neel Panji
Invite Manya to inspire and empower your teams + position your organization as a forward-thinking leader in fostering resilience and trauma sensitivity.
#trauma #resilience #MentalHealth #leadership #survivor
One of the first steps is acknowledging your trauma. Acknowledging it and accepting it. Don't be afraid, don't be ashamed. Everybody has stories, but what makes the difference is you're willing to share your story versus others or not, and that's what makes you a superstar.
Manya Chylinski:Hello and welcome to Notes on Resilience. I'm your host, Manya Chylinski. Today is another episode in our series Advocating for Resilience, and my guest is Reggie Reed. He's an author and his first book is the Day my Mother Never Came Home. He shares the story of her murder and the subsequent indictment and trial of his father and what that has meant for his life and his mental health, and he shares with us the importance of being willing and able to share your own story.
Manya Chylinski:Let's listen in, listen to Notes on Resilience on Apple Podcasts and subscribe, and we'd love for you to leave a review too. And hey, I'm really curious Would you recommend this show to a friend? If not, would you be willing to let me know why? Send me an email right now and tell me what's stopping you from recommending Notes on Resilience to your friends? What can I do to make this the kind of show you would recommend to your friends? I want to make a show that people really enjoy and brings value to their lives. You can email me at manya@manyachylinski. com or fill out the form in the show notes. Thanks, reggie. Thanks for being here today. I'm so glad I'm getting an opportunity to speak with you.
Reggie Reed:Thanks, Manya, for having me. I appreciate the opportunity.
Manya Chylinski:Yeah Well, thank you. And before we dig into the topic of advocacy and role of identity and breaking barriers, which is what you and I are going to talk about, I want to find out if you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be and why?
Reggie Reed:Well, that's an interesting one, you know. It's so many historical figures that I do admire, but one that stands out is Nelson Mandela and in particularly, it's, you know, the life and legacy that he left as a leader and you know, being an activist that he was. You know it displayed a symbol of reconciliation in ways that always intrigued me, you know, because he did so much, as far as you know, when apartheid happened in South Africa, you, south Africa, and just fighting through those challenges and triumph His fight to overcome that was bar none. And I look at myself and the things I've experienced through life, with trauma and, I guess, being dealt an unfair hand of cards. I face uphill battles as well.
Manya Chylinski:Yeah, I agree, he is amazing and I would want to join you on the dinner. I sometimes think about his level of forgiveness and his ability to move on, and I just think it's next level to move on, and I just think it's next level. So thank you for sharing that and, reggie, can you tell us?
Reggie Reed:just a little bit about your story and how is it that you come to be an advocate and activist? So a little bit about my story. At the age of six, my mother was brutally murdered, and I put emphasis on the brutal part because that's exactly what happened.
Reggie Reed:It's not that one murder is better or worse than the other. It's all horrible. I wish that nobody experienced that type of tragedy. But yeah, she was stabbed over a dozen times. You know it was gruesome and fast forward.
Reggie Reed:You know, after that my father raised me from the age of six up until adulthood. Life had its challenges. You know my dad has a military background. He's a Marine. You know anything about Marines. They're tough. Their nickname is leatherneck and that's for a reason.
Reggie Reed:Um, so I came up with a upbringing that was very strict, you know, hardcore, you know. But I think, like now, I I appreciate that because I know and I understand how to navigate through life and and challenges and find a way if one is not immediately presented in front of me and fast forward. After dealing with that trauma at an early age, I became aware, over 30 plus years later, that I get a phone call from my dad it was a courtesy call saying that my dad was indicted for second degree murder of my mother. Wow, so that's a little bit about you know me experiencing trauma and tragedy on the front end of my life and also on the back end. And to your question, you know how, like, where's the advocacy? How does that come full circle? But I look at advocacy. As you know it's, you got advocates and you have supporters. It's a big difference.
Manya Chylinski:OK, what's the?
Reggie Reed:difference Supporters is like hey, will you support me with this fundraiser? Sure, yeah, you're a nice person, right, you'll help out. Hey, can I get your support on this initiative that's involving substance abuse? Yeah, sure, I support you. Advocacy, in my opinion, is going a step further trying to inflict induced change without, for example, someone's like an advocate for for individual that mean they're speaking about you when you're not in the room. So advocacy from a a subject matter standpoint is, you know, just defending and promoting a cause where, whether it's popular or unpopular, but you're you all in and you're all about bringing positive change. It's about speaking up on behalf of people that feel like they don't have a voice or feel like they don't want to be heard, and just putting yourself out there and exposing yourself, no matter what the consequences may be or the criticism that you may get.
Reggie Reed:The consequences may be, or the criticism that you may get, and that ties into my story, because that's why I wrote this book, my memoir, the Day my Mother Never Came Home. Because I want to be that advocate. I want to be a champion of telling your story, telling the stories, especially the messy stories, because in today's day and age you, social media like everybody's living the best life, everybody's great, nobody has any problem. Nobody has any problem, right, all right, people have problems. There's more people with problems than people without problems. Yeah, those are the people that need help, you, they need help.
Reggie Reed:A topic like this, a story like this. People look at me like people that know me. I work in corporate America. They're like had no idea. It's crazy. Are we making this up? It's really happening or going on Again? I just want to be that champion, advocate. Those people feel like maybe they have lost their voice or they feel like nobody wants to hear them. Tell your story, share your story. It's therapeutic, it's healing, it helps you when you talk to people and don't fear judgment, because you know I look at judgment, I'm like no, as long as you're not involved in any legal activity or anything, you shouldn't be concerned what people think about you. Right, Because no one has to walk in your shoes. Right, and deal what you deal with or dealt with.
Manya Chylinski:Absolutely so well. Thank you for sharing your story, and this is a difficult story. I mean having a murder involved in your past in any way is difficult, but that sounds you know. You were so young when that happened. And now, with your book and the work that you're doing, what is the change that you want to see in the world.
Reggie Reed:I want several things and I feel like I put myself on the just out there. I just really open myself up to society, the world. You know to be criticized and I know people your audience that's listening to this will be like well, how are you getting criticized about a story like this? I was like well interesting enough.
Reggie Reed:I am because I've done several other interviews and I wrote an article for Newsweek and it was published and it was about my strong connection I still have with my father while he's incarcerated for the rest of his life, and people are like commenting like oh, it's horrible, he's a monster, you should cut him off. You do this, you do that, but it's like people read the surface, they understand the surface of things. They don't understand the depth of situations. They click on something, they see a title and they just, oh my gosh, it's horrible. But if you reflect to what I mentioned earlier about my story, you kind of sit back, think and understand. So the one change I just want to encourage the world to do is just be more open to sharing your story and being vulnerable, not to an extent where you let you're, you let your guard down, but just don't be afraid, because I I I truly believe that.
Reggie Reed:You know I learned from this experience. You know I, I had, I had reservations in front of my. Should I really even do this? I had wrote the book right, all right, should I even put this out? This is like serious stuff, hardcore. But you got the negative commenters out there, but majority of the response has been overwhelming positive. So I just really want to emphasize to society, to the world, tell your story and know that at the end of every tunnel there's a light. It's somewhere. You got to find it, but it's somewhere. And I say that because this time I felt like man, how am I going to make it? How am I going to get out of this? How am I going to build a life I want, despite the challenge? Mothers play a very, very important role in kids, in lives, in this world, in life.
Manya Chylinski:Yeah.
Reggie Reed:I didn't have that. I see, we have a four-year-old, you know, we have a four-year-old son and we have a two-month-old daughter.
Manya Chylinski:Oh, congratulations.
Reggie Reed:Thank you, I appreciate it. It's a lot going on, but my son, he's a mama's boy and I look at him and reflect. I heard I was a mama's boy and I'm like I think about the sadness Because every time my mama leaves he's like where's mama? Where's mama, going Every five minutes. Where's mama? Where's mama? Where's mama? He doesn't ask about me too often. I could go and fall off a cliff.
Manya Chylinski:He you know, whatever I'm sure that's not true he would eventually notice you're not there.
Reggie Reed:Yeah, once I fell, yeah, but you know, I think back at myself as a six-year-old I'm like man I missed out on so much. Yeah, and just to be where I am in life, and and not and it's nothing against the people that you know are athletic enough or you know, get these huge, you know scholarships or whatever from athlete or who is creative enough to be on a big screen or whatever that looks like. No, this is not taking a shot at them, but it's. It's for the normal everyday person. That's just hard work can get you further than you think, just working hard and having goals in mind.
Manya Chylinski:Well, reggie, in your story. It's hard work, yes, but you had to overcome a very significant trauma from when you were young and then when you got older trauma from when you were young and then when you got older, sort of a second wave of trauma with your dad going to prison. So you've overcome a lot to become the successful person that you are. What were some of those barriers that you struggled with on the mental health side and the recovering from trauma that just were difficult for you to work through?
Reggie Reed:Man. I'm like I'm trying to think as I digest that question, because it was a lot. It was a lot of barriers that felt like I was, and these are a lot of internal feelings as well. I felt like I was just alone at times, a lot of the time my dad he was busy, he was an entrepreneur and had his hands in a lot of things. He was in politics and, like I referenced earlier, mothers play such an important role. It's like, in addition to that, looking back, I'm like I didn't have that tender, love and care, that support. Looking back, I'm like I didn't have that tender, loving care, that is support. Growing up, I wanted to be a physician, you know, and I'm like man. I look back, I'm like I had that support, you know. I say I couldn't have did, but you know it's different. You have two parents in the house, first of all, and trying to make it Absolutely.
Reggie Reed:And so I just think generally, because life was so fast and furious, the structure was there. We use this common term at work and I think about it kind of reference how my dad and I managed throughout early parts of my life. We're building a plane as we're flying it, yes, yes, I've heard that it's so evocative.
Reggie Reed:And it doesn't make any sense at all. It's like you think about that logically Wait, what You're building a plane as you're flying Doesn't make sense. It sounds like a catastrophe. That's what it is. Yes, yeah, but I used to bring it up because, it's true, that's what I felt like we were doing in our lives building plans with flying, flying it, you know, from the support, the, you know just, uh, just, the environment, always feeling like the oddball in situations, feeling anxious, feeling not normal, feeling like somebody's always talking about you, talking about your story or situation. These are all barriers, mental barriers, psychological barriers, you know, and just, and I go back, as I think you know, the main thing is that go get them. Go get them, son, you know that's what that cheerleader, you know dad's like, ah, but that mom's gonna cheer you on and make sure you're good. And if you don't win the game, it's still okay. You know you're winning anyway. You know I didn't have all of that.
Manya Chylinski:Yeah.
Reggie Reed:You know. So that was a that in itself just a huge barrier.
Manya Chylinski:Absolutely, Absolutely. You know, when you were mentioning your book, you were saying you weren't sure if you should write it. You weren't sure if you should publish it. Now that you have and it's out in the world, how does it feel to be sharing your story and do you feel like it's making a difference?
Reggie Reed:I do. It feels great. First of all, and based on the feedback I've been getting, I do One thing that really sticks out when I first made the announcement, made it on social media, obviously, and there's this group I'm a part of. It's this true crime Facebook group and it's people that talk about true crime, because my book is a memoir, but it's a true crime story as well. It's my life, it's literally the life I'm living. I know, it's not fiction, let me tell you that.
Reggie Reed:Right. So anyway, I put it in this group and people were just commenting, but this one person eat my instant message, or whatever you call it. She messaged me. She was like this is a total stranger. This is what I felt. This was that moment that defined you know what? I don't care what nobody say, this is one person that would tell I'm okay. She emailed his long message and the gist of it was thank you know, I'm really inspired because she said I come from, she's like my father I think it was her father. She's like my father was murdered and I don't know what happened to the mom, but it basically left her and her two siblings just kind of like okay, where do we go next?
Reggie Reed:Right kind of like okay, where do we go next? Right, you know. And she sent me a message just just applauding, like you know, I'm thanks for sharing my story. Like I feel so inspired to see someone who's dealt with similar trauma tragedy to actually make it without hitting the lotto. She didn't use no time, but that's yeah, you know, and and in all transparency, it is some luck involved. Right, it's like you know, but most of it's just man, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta put your goal. You know, you gotta identify your goals and work towards those goals. You know, it's the small wins that count. You don't need the one big win.
Manya Chylinski:Right.
Reggie Reed:Right, but no, that's what really made me feel and really encouraged me to say you know, I'm going to push this thing. I'm going to just try to reach as many people as possible with my story, you know, to help others.
Manya Chylinski:Yeah, I'm of the mind that you hear from one person and they say thank you for sharing your story. It made a difference for me and you know that there are many, many other people who felt the same way. But just don't show it by reaching out to the person who shared the story.
Reggie Reed:Right.
Manya Chylinski:Right, you are like all good advocates. You are making a difference, even if you don't necessarily know that you're making a difference. And your story it's not unique, because there are many people who've experienced the same kind of trauma. But being able to share your story is not something everyone wants to do or something everyone can do. So it's so wonderful that you're willing to be open about your story. And what advice do you have for somebody who is in similar shoes to you, or similarly difficult shoes, and wonders if their story might make a difference?
Reggie Reed:I would say stop wondering and act on it. Go with your gut feeling, because I'm more of the mind that I'd rather do something, and if it doesn't work out the way I want it to, at least I know, at least my, at least my conscience is clear. So you know, I tried it versus living with that burden, that burden of what if? What if I would have did it? Yeah, what if I would have done it? So, to anyone that's facing similar situations or, you know, dealing with trauma or has dealt with it, and you feel compelled to share your story or just talk to somebody you don't have to write a book about it, I would just find that person that you confide in or whatever, and just talk about it. People seek counselors, professional counselors, and it's one thing that they do across the board is listen, yeah, and their clients do what they talk.
Manya Chylinski:Yes, it makes a difference.
Reggie Reed:It's as simple as that. That's their counsel, that's the professional, it's literally someone just listening to you talk, yeah. So whatever situation you may be in, everybody has that friend or that confidant or someone that they could talk to. I would start there. That's where I started. I had a good friend growing up. We talked about it here and there. Him and my wife were the first one. I later told him I'm writing a book. He was like about what? Even my wife responded she's like about what? I was like about my life. She's like what about? It Wasn't trying to be rude, but she's like what are you writing?
Reggie Reed:Yeah, a lot of people write books Let me take that back. But most people, books that are recognized are who they're well. A lot of people write books Let me take that back. But most people, books that are recognized are who they're well-known people Past presidents, current presidents, actresses, movie stars, superstars, baseball. It's rarely a regular person like myself whose book is written or story put out there and it gets a lot of exposure because the story and I'm not saying no other story I just read today and I'm a fan of whoopi goldberg, she she has a book out coming out. It's about her, her struggles and her um, you know her life growing up. Right, whoopi's a superstar, like superstar she's. She's walking around everybody's trying to get an order. I walk in the room, people looking at me hey, can I help you? Yeah, you know, like what's going on, you know.
Reggie Reed:Right we didn't order Uber, that Uber Eats. You know I'm a normal guy. Yeah, I'm a normal guy. They just say you know what, I'm a normal guy that just say you know what I'm going to put my story out there, try to help people. So my goal I want people, more people like me, you know normal people out there. I want to relate, I want to connect with those individuals. Yes absolutely Anyway.
Manya Chylinski:Well, Reggie, we're getting close to the end of our time. Are there any final thoughts you want to leave with us about your story, about your work, about your advocacy?
Reggie Reed:You know I just want to reiterate, you know whoever's listening to this and you have a story that you want to share. You know share, take baby steps, Just talk about it, Get comfortable talking about it. If you need help, seek help, and just know that it's options. It's options. Options build confidence. You know you have to. You got to realize that, and one of the first steps is acknowledging your trauma. Acknowledging it and accepting it. Don't be afraid, Don't be ashamed. Everybody has stories, but what makes the difference is you're willing to share your story versus others are not, and that's what makes you a superstar in the end.
Manya Chylinski:Yeah, oh, thank you for that, and, reggie, how can people find out more about you and your book and how can they reach you Find?
Reggie Reed:out more about you and your book and how can they reach you. So I have a website. It's rlreedcom. It shares a little bit about my story, where to purchase my book. It's on Amazon you know everybody goes to Amazon these days but it's also available on barnesandnoblecom, Excellent, Walmartcom and other book outlets. Yeah, RL readcom is my website, kind of goes in brief detail about you know my story and the tragedy that I experienced. Yeah, that's how you can reach me.
Manya Chylinski:All right, well, thank you for that. We'll put the link in the show notes and so folks can find you and they can find your book and learn more about your story. And, reggie, thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us and coming as a guest on the podcast today. It's been wonderful to hear your story and your work.
Reggie Reed:Thank you.
Manya Chylinski:Thank you for listening. I hope you got as much out of this conversation as I did. So if you'd like to learn more about me, Manya Chylinski, I work with organizations to help understand how to create environments where people can thrive after difficult life experiences, and I do this through talks and consulting. I'm a survivor of mass violence and I use my experience to help leaders learn of resiliency, compassion and trauma-sensitive leadership to build strategies to enable teams to thrive and be engaged amidst difficulty and turmoil. If this is something you want to learn more about, visit my website, www. manyachylinski. com, or email me at manya@manyachylinski. com, or stop by my social media on LinkedIn and Twitter. Thanks so much.
