A Contagious Smile Podcast
Restoring Trust After Betrayal: Unveiling the Struggles with Fidelity, Building Strong Homes, and Honoring Domestic Violence Survivors
Can the fidelity of a chronic cheater truly be restored, or is it a Sisyphean task? Our latest episode delves into the gritty realities of sex addiction, the possibility of redemption, and the complex journey from betrayal to helping others. Michael and I share insights into the impact of willpower and core values like family and loyalty, as we navigate personal boundaries and various forms of infidelity. We're not just waxing philosophical; we're getting real about what cheating looks like, from the physical to the emotional, and the often-undiscussed use of pornography.
Home is where the heart is, but it's also where the hard work of maintaining a happy marriage happens. We open up about our own brushes with infidelity's pitfalls and how the simplest acts of kindness can fortify a relationship. The significance of traditions and quality time cannot be overstressed, and neither can the role each partner plays in creating a blissful domestic life. We're passionate about breaking negative family patterns, believing in the power of respect and appreciation, and the conscious decisions we make to ensure our children have a bright future.
Finally, we broach the harrowing topic of domestic violence, honoring the steadfast courage of survivors. With a painfully honest account from a guest who's lived through such trauma, we shine a light on the systemic failures that victims face and the importance of believing their stories. It's a solemn reminder of the societal overhaul needed to lift the veil on abuse and a call to action for everyone to play a part in supporting those who have fought their way out of darkness. This isn't just another episode; it's a heartfelt plea for change and a testament to the human spirit's resilience.
Can the fidelity of a chronic cheater truly be restored, or is it a Sisyphean task? Our latest episode delves into the gritty realities of sex addiction, the possibility of redemption, and the complex journey from betrayal to helping others. Michael and I share insights into the impact of willpower and core values like family and loyalty, as we navigate personal boundaries and various forms of infidelity. We're not just waxing philosophical; we're getting real about what cheating looks like, from the physical to the emotional, and the often-undiscussed use of pornography.
Home is where the heart is, but it's also where the hard work of maintaining a happy marriage happens. We open up about our own brushes with infidelity's pitfalls and how the simplest acts of kindness can fortify a relationship. The significance of traditions and quality time cannot be overstressed, and neither can the role each partner plays in creating a blissful domestic life. We're passionate about breaking negative family patterns, believing in the power of respect and appreciation, and the conscious decisions we make to ensure our children have a bright future.
Finally, we broach the harrowing topic of domestic violence, honoring the steadfast courage of survivors. With a painfully honest account from a guest who's lived through such trauma, we shine a light on the systemic failures that victims face and the importance of believing their stories. It's a solemn reminder of the societal overhaul needed to lift the veil on abuse and a call to action for everyone to play a part in supporting those who have fought their way out of darkness. This isn't just another episode; it's a heartfelt plea for change and a testament to the human spirit's resilience.
howdy y'all? Welcome another episode of unstoppable with lovely victoria and michael here hi excuse me how's your weekend?
Speaker 2:um, it's great it's been a lazy one it's been a lazy one, excuse me, I've.
Speaker 1:I'm clogged up with all this pollen and crap.
Speaker 2:This is a perfect time to do things inside the home. I have been, I've been sleeping, playing video games and watching movies. That doesn't really constitute.
Speaker 1:I've been spending time with my family Really. So what you haven't mentioned is I've cooked dinners, defrosted, I did the laundry.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you, I've swept andners.
Speaker 1:Defrosted. I did the laundry.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you.
Speaker 1:I've swept, mopped the house.
Speaker 2:What have I done?
Speaker 1:Made the child do the dishes. What have I done? What have you done? What?
Speaker 2:you always do, which is Sit on your butt up here what.
Speaker 1:You run a company, of course you're going to sit down. What I don't work constantly like round the clock, but you sit on your butt and work.
Speaker 2:Wow, wow. So I want to talk to you about something All right go. Put that down. So I really wanted to have this gentleman on with the two of us today, but we were unable to do so. We have somebody coming on this week and I'm super excited because he's turned his whole life around and my husband's making faces and I'm just curious if you think that it's possible some folks are gonna doubt it right off the bat okay, why, if you're?
Speaker 1:going to preference this. Okay, they're going to doubt it. Preference it then.
Speaker 2:No, no, you're prefacing the call that you're going to do here this week well, the gentleman is a reformed sex addict and he helps others transition from a sex addict to a sense of normalcy. But I don't really like the term normalcy. I don't think it's applicable to really anyone anymore. But do you believe that you can be a sex addict and then go into a sense of recovery from it?
Speaker 1:You can, but it takes a great deal of will on that person's part, effort and something that he or she holds more value than the act or, you know, exercise of having sex with other people a lot of other people in this case.
Speaker 2:Okay, like what? What would be something that someone would hold more dear than the actual act of?
Speaker 1:uh, such as the that you know, the institute of a family, of actually having kids of his own or or her own, uh, and having a significant other who is faithfully and loyal to that individual, and that person can see it but what if this individual that's coming on was married while having multiple affairs? And he didn't put the value towards his wife or and and our kids, if there are kids involved and now he is faithful and he's helping others yes.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So at some point he realized oh shit.
Speaker 2:But you believe that can be done Right here.
Speaker 1:Here I was. I thought I had a rock this entire marriage. It turns out that rock was a diamond and he just didn't realize it. He was seeing all the shiny shit on the outside and what he could get easily.
Speaker 2:So but don't those cravings return? I mean as a man just.
Speaker 1:They could. But remember I said you have to have a lot of will.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:You have to discipline yourself, okay.
Speaker 2:How does one do that Like for me? I have never cheated on a guy, so for me I'm asking because I wouldn't even like let a man come up and hug me if I'm in a relationship, because, well, just I'm extreme I think I get it for all men oh right, I get it. I just want a male perspective but this is me, I.
Speaker 1:I have a freaking light switch for everything not everything, not absolutely everything almost everything. Okay. If I just don't want it, I don't, I flip that switch to off and I don't want anymore. Like beer, I quit drinking beer, I just flip the switch. Okay, I like me a beer, y'all. Um, I didn't do drugs back in the day, but uh yeah, you just have to have a lot of discipline and willpower, so, and have something that is more of a prize than just whoring around.
Speaker 2:Yeah, can that light switch be forcefully flipped?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:By like enticement. No, no, that's part of the world so then, what do you consider grounds of cheating? Like everybody's perception of cheating is different, like what do you consider cheating?
Speaker 1:uh, any type of fornication with another one outside of your spouse? Um, I guess. Uh, I know this is getting deep, but if you're thinking about another person while you're having sexual relationships sexual.
Speaker 2:What with your current sexual?
Speaker 1:what? Or spouse?
Speaker 2:that? Okay, all right, you brought that up. So let me ask this so what if you get turned on by watching pornography because he also helps people with porn addiction? I've never watched porn. I'm completely against it. Like I said, I'm extreme and I admit it, but the idea of watching someone or others doing something in a sexual manner does not do it. Like the idea doesn't do anything for me and to me that's a version of cheating, because something or you know something else is turning me on, other than my husband. So I've never watched it and I don't believe in it. Like I said, I'm extreme.
Speaker 1:Before anybody jumps my skillet, that could be considered deforming cheating, because you're watching and thinking about the other people, what they're doing but it's like if going to a strip club, I'm a million percent against it and I get it, people do it pooters is not a strip club. They got good wings and thousand breasts.
Speaker 2:I get it, but no, listen, like seriously, like if you go into a strip club and you go in there with a pile of money and there's just take two women, and two women are there and you have literally two women and one of them you find more attractive than the other. You are not going to give money to the unattractive person, so you're going to give your attention to the one that you find more desirable. They're going to turn you on, however they choose to do it. And then you come home to your significant other and you're turned on and you begin fornicating over something that didn't begin with your spouse. So I'm very much against that. Like I said, I'll say it a million times I'm extreme, I don't believe in it. But nobody is like a lot of people aren't that way. Everybody is different. So do you consider that cheating?
Speaker 1:y'all see why I love this woman why?
Speaker 2:because I'm like extreme about that stuff yes, you're freaking awesome like I think going to a strip club is cheating on your spouse I've been to many strips clubs. Yes, I know, and I'm being very polite and respectful. I was a police officer called to those strip clubs. And how much takeout did you take?
Speaker 1:None, they're nasty. Why? I saw a lot of bullet holes, stretch marks, coke infested.
Speaker 2:A lot of people will tell you they do it to pay for their education whatever, I'm not for all that but you have behind the scenes, but you actually participated in the going to, and what sitting and watching, oh you know that.
Speaker 1:Okay, yes, I've done that too but see, I've never done that.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm saying. Is that cheating?
Speaker 2:uh, I think the first wife was with me, maybe she was it's hard to recall not for me, I can, I got the memory but but I mean, if I said to you, hey, the girls want to go to strip club, you would be like I don't have to worry about it, you ain't going because I know you. But if the guys say to you, hey, they want to go to a strip club, what would you say? No, no, okay, let's say you guys go out for beer and pizza or whatever, and then then they decide that they're going then they decide that they're going to take a little around the mulberry bush no pun intended and go check out some.
Speaker 1:Those days are gone. Plus, like I said, after being a cop, I saw what goes on behind scenes.
Speaker 2:What goes on behind scenes, because a lot of people don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't want to say this Because there might be some legitimate entrepreneurs out there and you know, working for the feeder family, you know with dollar bills, Whatever, so I'm sure we don't have any in this group, this community, but it was nasty when I saw them back. They get back there and they're nasty. They coke up and because they have to keep on dancing and and whatever, and they're just, they're nasty.
Speaker 2:They go in those private rooms and they, they do their their thing and then they come out and try to freshen up and it's nasty, yeah so going in and like lap dancing on one or you know, finishing the job on another, and then going and getting another one and finish the job on another one after that's nasty yes, that's nasty that's nasty now. I didn't think that back in the day.
Speaker 1:Why? Because I was young enough. Back in the day I got a lap dance from you know, like you said, the women that I chose were attractive to me. So, yeah, I've been there, done that. But once you get all that piss and vinegar out of your system, you know you have to grow up and you have to. You know rearrange your priorities and your system. You know, you, you have to grow up and you have to. You know rearrange your priorities and hopefully you know if this guy is legit, then that's what he's done he seems very much legit.
Speaker 2:I've done a lot of research on him and I'm very much looking forward to it.
Speaker 1:Um, speaking with him as to how can you reform yourself from that he can and I'm glad you know he's trying to reach out to others, you know, because that's that's a an area that probably nobody does right, you know right you don't hear it. I don't hear of an AA sex group, whatever sex, anonymous or sex. I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know then how does someone go from a cheating husband to a good husband?
Speaker 1:I already told you right, but not everybody has a light switch something or someone, much more than what you're currently, uh, you know, obtaining. So you know, if I'm freaking, if I'm freaking working at pizza hut, uh, trademark and and that's all I eat is pizza. And then subway comes along as, hey man, you know, this subway sandwich is a lot better, won't you try it? And I try it. You're not getting it.
Speaker 2:I'm looking for the metaphor, whether you're gonna have something greasy that clogs up stuff or you're gonna go healthy for something that takes care of you. Yes, is this the metaphor? Yes, okay, all the trash and then something better comes along what if something better comes from something other than subway? No, then uh, you weren't expecting that. Yeah, what if something comes better from subway, like whole foods or trader joe's or? Too old for that shit no, so at some point you just decide to settle I'm not telling everybody how old I'm gonna be your birthday's in a few weeks, so are you telling everybody that you would just settle?
Speaker 1:no, you put your value, you put your.
Speaker 2:What are your values?
Speaker 1:right, I'm looking at her damn it?
Speaker 2:no, but everybody else wants to know. Everybody loves our banter oh oh someone else, not about me it's a it's, I want a male's perspective of it, and that's why I'm asking you like what are your values as a husband and father? What are your? What are your values?
Speaker 1:I, I want a clean woman. I don't want to. I don't want to come home thinking that you know, I've been out working 12, 16 hours a day and my wife's been hoeing around on me, or you know, going down to dave's house, or you know just we're playing on the computer with the oh yeah camera, the mouse and you know virtual cheating, whatever.
Speaker 1:Um, you know it's nice to come home, whether or not you have a wife, uh, who cleans a house or not, that's not the the main thing. You know to have a clean wife is far better than have a clean house. Now I come home to a clean house, I come home to a clean wife. You know I come, I come home and you know, most times I get a hug right at the door. They meet me outside when I'm getting out of my vehicle and that's a good, that's a very wholesome, nice feeling. You know, hey, hey dad, hey husband, I missed you. I'm coming out to greet you. You know it's very heartwarming. You know I tell you times before I've told you, you know. Know when I get home with you know you used to dread.
Speaker 2:I could hear it in your tone and we were only friends.
Speaker 1:We were friends only during that period. The door to that, that place I lived at, and you know I wouldn't say live and you know, I just knew a fight was coming on and it was just it's disheartening. You know you don't want to stay married in situations like that. So what do you do? You go look for anywhere else. Where are you going to find happiness? But my heart's happy with you, our kids, our dogs.
Speaker 2:I tried to tell you this quarter of a century ago I don't, I've got a hard head. You think?
Speaker 1:Most men do.
Speaker 2:No, it's school of hard enough so how do you keep your wife happy?
Speaker 1:oh, that's a babe, that's a big one.
Speaker 2:Cover the microphone no, how do you like, as a man? What do you say to other men in order to you don't?
Speaker 1:you don't cheat. Get rid of your damn blackberry, your little black, whatever, or?
Speaker 2:your palm pilot, your pager, that's hilarious shit, guys.
Speaker 1:You don't need the hassle. You don't need the the hassle trying to keep up with the lies. So you know, this guy's going gonna talk about the lies tomorrow and, and I can attest, it is a pain in the ass to tell one woman something and try to remember oh shit, I told the current wife something else. Oh, and I told debbie something, and then, oh man, I gotta meet marissa on the same day. It's, it's frustrating to no end to keep up with the freaking lies.
Speaker 2:I didn't mention any of this today about your past history with him.
Speaker 1:I didn't even do it. If you cheat on your wife with one woman, you're going to cheat with two women. You're going to cheat on those two girlfriends with a third and a fourth woman or man. You know it goes both ways.
Speaker 2:And what do you say about the saying a leopard never changes his spots?
Speaker 1:They can.
Speaker 2:They absolutely can. I've proven it, you have proven it, you have. So how do you keep a happy home? What's the secret for a happy home? Like I've made it very clear I don't want diamonds, I don't want jewelry or whatever. It's the, the. I'm going to be very careful because I know where you're going to go with this. It's the small things that I love. Be quiet, that I love. Like he writes me post-it notes. I've had so many women say, oh my God, I'm going to make my husband listen to this because I want post-it notes and I still have them. I mean, I have the pen that he used 25 years ago because I'm very sappy and sentimental ago because I'm very sappy and sentimental. So what suggestions do you have that make the difference in a house and a home?
Speaker 1:Guys, in our family, you know, we sit down at our dinner table and we talk. We don't play games, we don't get on the phone, we look each other in the eye. I'm constantly looking at my wife, I'm constantly staring at her, at her, and she's all. What are you looking at? What you know? And then I tell her you're beautiful, you know you're gorgeous. And you know, of course I get the whatever, because she don't think she's beautiful. But y'all see those pictures on that, one picture on facebook she just posted oh my gosh, she, she's gorgeous. Y'all those freaking eyes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, your dad even said, my eyes were adorable, that's a little gross.
Speaker 1:Dad, if you're listening to this, this is my woman, you know. Have fun in your family, you know laugh.
Speaker 2:I love that you guys have movie night. I love that, and it's just so sweet that you guys do this consistently, because it's memories that will be kept forever.
Speaker 1:We started this because y'all told me that piece of shit.
Speaker 2:biological father of yours Can I say that on there, oh, I just did Would claim to want to watch a movie with faith, yeah daughter, and then and then um it either have to be on his time or it have to be his choice of movies, like if she wanted I mean, remember she's little and she's very young and he would say, no, I'm not watching a cartoon, I'm not watching this, I'm not not watching that More importantly, this was the only male Absolute only male animal in her life, and this is the way you're going to treat your only grandchild.
Speaker 1:That he claimed Right and so no. So I'm going to do the exact opposite of what he did.
Speaker 2:And you love it For years now, over three years yeah. And years now, over three years. Yeah, and you love it.
Speaker 1:Come on now, saturday we do daddy daughter movie night and you love it say it say you love it, yes, we love it, but yeah.
Speaker 2:Or he would say, okay, we're gonna watch it. And then, after dinner, faith be like, oh, are we gonna watch a movie? And he'd be like, not tonight, I'll do it tomorrow, I promise. And tomorrow would never come, and it would break her heart and like tradition is so important to have those memories and to to do those things, because that's what's so important to to be able to say you know, okay, like the, you know you're having a bad day, you're having your time at whatever. And you say you know what the weekend's here, I'm gonna go have time with my dad and I'm gonna watch a movie and know what. None of that other crap matters. What are you doing?
Speaker 2:I'm just trying to scratch my back and I need a back scratcher. So instead of podcasting right now, you're pinging up your phone, which is what we do not do at the table.
Speaker 1:We're not at the table.
Speaker 2:I have.
Speaker 1:Look at that back scratcher that was awesome.
Speaker 2:Are you kidding me? So what else do you do to make it not a house but a home?
Speaker 1:Let's see what do I do.
Speaker 2:Well, like, how do you treat your wife?
Speaker 1:You tell me.
Speaker 2:No, I want a male's perspective. I do this all the time, but I want a male's perspective.
Speaker 1:I treat my wife like like I'm just a behind the scenes guy. She's the center stage singer out there. You know I'll take care of everything in the background. You just get out there and you just sing your little heart away. Okay, that's how I treat you. I'll do the dishes. I'll do the mopping. You know I'll do the trash. I don't like doingopping. You know I'll do the trash. I don't like doing podcasts because I don't have a lot of things to say.
Speaker 2:That's not true. You're the genius here, so much to say.
Speaker 1:I lift you up every time I talk about you to other people. Okay, I'm proud of my wife with three doctorates.
Speaker 2:Whatever?
Speaker 1:She's got one arm but damn damn it. She works 25 hours a day, uh, running our company and she does awesome, because she's probably on her 28th book by now. How many?
Speaker 2:books are you on?
Speaker 1:I don't know you're over 24 possibly possibly y'all hear that one arm bandit here 24 books and she types them out so damn fast. I know she used to be what 90 words a minute 90 to 105 depending, I think you're just under half of that oh no, I took a typing test one-handed.
Speaker 2:I'm about 62 one-handed unbelievable but lately I've been doing course writing and things of that nature to help people you know, use their voice to make a platform for what they believe in and help them further their dreams.
Speaker 1:And that's going to be published soon. Yes, we will give out that I'm rushing you. I know you're busy.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But y'all, if y'all haven't been on the website, she's added a bunch of stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's a different website.
Speaker 1:And then she's added another website.
Speaker 2:Yeah, talk about that website. I asked my husband to come sit and look. You have to understand when my husband, when I ask him to look over something, he takes his pen and he does this. I got to find a pen because I don't have a sound machine, but I've got to be able to produce this. Hold on, like he does this completely sound right, constantly.
Speaker 2:And I'm across the room even though I'm deaf, and now he knows why I don't wear my hearing aids often and this is what he's doing. And then he'll put the pen down and just to fuck with me, he picks it back up and clicks it and I'm like, are you kidding? I'm like, do you know how long this took? And he looks over stuff. So I was like, all right, babe, I did something I want you to look at. Can you come and look at it? Yada, yada, yada. So I show him this whole new site I've put together and I am holding bated breath because I am like, oh my God, he has no idea, because I told him when I started this that you needed literally like a doctorate in Chinese or something in order to understand how to make this work. So, all right, now you come, sit down beside me and I show you the new website and your thoughts were absolutely phenomenal.
Speaker 2:Thank you, phenomenon oh, don't do that.
Speaker 1:That song sticks in my head forever it to me it looks like there were at least eight to twelve people in an office creating this this website and putting everything together, from pictures to words, to everything. It is just absolutely incredible. And and to realize, guys, my wife is one-handed sitting here doing this shit, and it's just, it's just it blows me away.
Speaker 1:It's amazing, you know uh, but my wife has set high standards and I really don't expect nothing less, nothing less, but excellence from my wife. You know, she's absolutely amazing, incredibly, incredibly intelligent. I know people who would tell you I'm not. I'm not thinking about those people, and that's why I'm publicly saying this you, you're. I don't know where your IQ is, but it's probably borderline genius.
Speaker 2:I don't agree I do.
Speaker 1:Why don't agree? I do, why don't we?
Speaker 2:take a test.
Speaker 1:Audience let's get Victoria to take an IQ test.
Speaker 2:And what do you think about when I'm told that I'm dumb and worthless and not competent enough to do anything?
Speaker 1:It's water on the bridge, brush it off. Those folks don't matter in our lives I understand that.
Speaker 2:But when you've grown up in that mentality and you've had that and that's what you're used to did you say, mentality yes, if that's what you've grown up with, not mentality, that's what you're accustomed to, then you know nothing you do has ever been enough okay, it's the same for for these, these children who watch mom and dad abuse each other and they grow up thinking it's okay right because because they don't break the cycle right the cycle has to be broken, of course, of yours which I'm starting and I've almost finished.
Speaker 2:I've already written it. It's been written, but now I'm transcribing it into either a downloadable book or a course depending on how it wants to be taken about the long term effects that the trauma causes on the children when they see and witness domestic violence. And you have to stop the cycle. You are strong enough to stop the cycle. People don't realize that they are strong enough to stop the cycle. They think they're weak. They are not weak.
Speaker 2:The one who is weak is the one who is hitting, because they're a coward. That is a coward because you take your aggression and your pain out on someone else and it's like what normally happens is the person who is aggressive normally takes it out on the person that they're closest to and it's behind closed doors. So outside might be that pretty little you know home to the naked eye eye, but when you go inside, it's not a home, it's a house. It's a dark, creepy, cold, lifeless, loveless house and when that person or monster comes in and puts his or her hands on another individual, that is nothing shy of a coward, because it won't be long before that person puts it where. The kids are now being physically assaulted, the pets are being assaulted.
Speaker 2:And I say this and I've said this numerous times if let's take a man and a woman scenario, because it's just easier to explain, let's just say hypothetically, there's a man and he's beating up his wife and the kids see it. You have a son and a daughter. As a parent, do you want your daughter to see that that is how a man is supposed to treat his partner? Do you want your daughter to see how a person who is engaged in an intimate relationship should be treating a female? So when that daughter starts dating that's who she's going to tend to is because her dad is supposed to be that role model that tends to show her you know how she's supposed to be treated. Now let's take the son. The son grows up thinking that women are to be put in their place.
Speaker 2:They're to be you know, put in their place, whether it's verbally or physically, and that that's the appropriate behavior, because that's what the child is seeing, emulated by their parent. And if the person right now because we're doing a hypothetical if the mom, the wife, the woman, is watching this happen and she is not getting out of that situation, she might not think she's worth fighting for. But she needs to think about those kids. Those kids are worth fighting for. Break the cycle. Teach them right from wrong. Let them see that that is absolutely not how you treat a woman. That is not how you treat a woman.
Speaker 2:That is not how you treat you know an individual and, as a man, it is absolutely not how you treat someone you go out on a date with. I have to brag about my husband for a second. He still opens the car door for me. He opens the car door for Faith. She'll stand there and say ahem, ahem, ahem, and say ahem, ahem and wait for him to open the door.
Speaker 2:He does these things and he has taught her what is and is not respectable behavior, and that is something that that role is supposed to emulate for our daughters. You know, whether it's a female, female, male, male, it's still the adult's responsibility, whether your gender is what, to teach our kids the appropriate way to act and the appropriate way to teach others. And if you grew up in an environment that wasn't okay, it sucks, yes, and I hear all the time. Well, he was beaten up when he was a kid or he went through an abusive childhood or something like that. So that makes it okay that he hit me and he says he'll never do it again. Bullshit, absolute bullshit. Am I right or wrong? Because you can stop the cycle, my husband and I both have the right to have like a full breakdown, and we haven't and we've stopped the cycle, and it's just not anything more than an excuse.
Speaker 1:So that goes back to stopping the cycle. Can you stop the cycle while you're in it?
Speaker 2:You can do things to protect your family and your home better. You need a strategic safety getaway plan. You have to. If you don't have one, you'll end up going back. The average woman goes back seven times and you need to have. You need to have it in place Now. You know at all fairness. I've been asked numerous times I've never gone into detail about how I got out. It was, it was. It was something it's in the book who kicked first. Um, I had to be very, very tedious on how I got out and survived. I knew that it was only going to be a one-time thing that I would be able to do, and I had to gather as much evidence as I could, and I did.
Speaker 1:I mean, he followed me to my office so could breaking this cycle, should it have, should it start as soon as whatever abuse is starting.
Speaker 2:I mean that first hit, that first slap if it happens once, it will happen again the first time it happens.
Speaker 1:Put a stop to it. Some whatever, uh, maybe an ultimatum.
Speaker 2:Hey, you ever do this again, I'm leaving no, first thing, I, you know, like idiot, said he would have never hit me if I wasn't pregnant and the first hit would have been it and I would have contacted the police. So there's paper trail and it would have been over. Because you have the right to defend yourself and your children and that's your right to do so, you gather as much evidence as you possibly can and get proof. Because what I think sucks about our society is and you know this from being a cop for the longest time women or victims of the abuse end up feeling like they're never going to become a survivor, because we are the ones that have to prove we were abused. That the perpetrator, the, the abuser, literally sits in the seat. Whatever happened you know to you know, interrogating him or getting you know down to it. It's all like well, what did you do to make him mad? Why couldn't you've just kept him happy? You know, maybe you instigated it, and these are the things you would hear tenfold. But we are being violated all over again when we're in that seat and we're constantly being asked well, why did he hit you? What did you do? Did you not do this? Did you not do that? Why aren't you interrogating him? Why is he sitting there? What did you do? Did you not do this? Did you not do that? Why aren't you interrogating him? Why is he sitting there with a smile on his face while we're getting assaulted all over again because we're being put through the ringer?
Speaker 2:I think one of the best examples was I have medical documentation that coincides with all the photographs that were taken and I was strangled, and in the pictures you clearly and my husband has seen these pictures in the pictures you can clearly see handprints. And how do you explain it? The handprints are around the sides of my neck and over my throat are his thumbprints, and I would say, safely, that it was pretty clear. You could see the hands. Well, I was accused that. I know this way I was. You can't. I was accused that I tried to suffocate and strangle myself, because why would he have done that to me? Well, we ended up. I can't remember who it was that did it.
Speaker 2:Somebody came out and said okay, look how little her thumbs are in comparison to his. And now look at the bruising on her neck from the thumbs and you can see that those are not hers. And not only that, but you cannot. There's no way physically possible that you can strangle yourself. There's not can strangle yourself. There's not, not in the way that it happened to me, because the thumbs were on my throat and the hands were around my neck and you can clearly see even the longness of the hand. It's a man's hand. I mean, helen Keller could have seen that, but I was the one that was accused of self-harming. Or, for instance, instance. An even more interesting one is you know, I was stabbed multiple times and I have a huge stab scar down my back and I was accused of giving it to myself. How can you stab yourself in the back? I mean seriously, as cop, how do you stab yourself in the back?
Speaker 1:You know there were a lot of idiots that you dealt with on his side.
Speaker 2:Well, maybe even some of the investigators, but you know we understand there was a lot of cover up involved. Well, the military protects their own and you know I'm not going to go into branch or anything like that but military covered up. He broke my nose on the installation in front of his command and they did nothing. They turned the other cheek, if you will too. But I asked a higher ranking person what would happen if I came to you and told you I was being assaulted and I had these huge sunglasses on because I was covering a black eye and I think it's safe to say that I'm sunlit tan, I'm pretty white, I'm like snow white white and I well right. So I pulled my glasses up and I had big old shiners and you can tell my nose was still enlarged and I was told by that individual we have a term called grabbing real estate and I'd never heard that before. Where they hit the ground, they get taken to the pavement for their actions. I'd never heard that before. Have you ever heard that term? No, so that's what I was told, and nothing came out of it. Like it didn't matter how much I showed them.
Speaker 2:I was always accused of being the aggressor, even though there was never marks on him, but that didn't matter. I mean that didn't matter. I mean it didn't matter. And so that's why you know a lot of times, women who've gone through this the only thing we have in our corner is our word, because everything else can be replaced Materialistically cars, all that crap that could all be replaced. You cannot, you cannot be replaced. And they will make you think you think well, maybe if I did just do this it wouldn't have happened again. Maybe if I did that it wouldn't happen again. Maybe if I go a step above. Well, let me tell you what happens when you go a step above. I want to step above and I, back in the day I'm showing my age. I burned a cd I'm really showing my age and I put it in Idiot's vehicle and he was going out with his girlfriend, which, by the way, yes, I okayed. Why? Nobody understands this. Why did I okay him to have other women? Because he would be in a courting period with them, where he's being charismatic and charming and B more importantly, no offense to any other woman. I'm protecting myself and my unborn child. He wasn't home beating me, so I absolutely okayed him to go out and have affairs 1000%. But he came in in the middle of the night and climbed over and woke me up, quote unquote, dragged me out in my pajamas, no shoes, no nothing, and took me onto a two lane highway and literally slapped me so hard I went straight into the side of the vehicle and left me on the two lane highway and literally slapped me so hard. I went straight into the side of the vehicle and left me on the side of the road because I touched his vehicle by putting a CD in and removing one of his, and that is what happened. From trying to go a step forward. That's what happens.
Speaker 2:So you have to be methodical, to say the least, to get out and survive and it can be done and you're not alone. And even though you feel like you're alone, you are not. You are absolutely not alone and you are so much stronger than you know. Like for the longest time I would look at all my scars and I thought I was hideous, like absolutely hideous, because I was just scars everywhere there was. We ended up having to find out there was like 70 something percent of my body had scars whatever he has cataracts. So we had to figure out that there was like 70 of me scarred up between the surgeries and all that he did, and I just literally was like I can't let this put me into a depression, because he doesn't deserve that.
Speaker 2:So then I started looking at it and I was like you know, that's how many times he tried and he failed.
Speaker 2:He is not that strong and I'm not giving him that power.
Speaker 2:He failed. He is not that strong and I'm not giving him that power. So I look at it and think this is how many times this grown-ass monster because he's definitely not a man tried and failed. And then you just kind of want to look and laugh, you know, like that's the best you've got seriously, because it's like training a boxer. You're training them to withhold a punch, you're training them to maintain composure during a fight.
Speaker 2:And that's exactly because if I cried, I got hit again. If I screamed, I would get whipped again with a belt handle, if you know, whatever the case may be, so I literally would stand there and he would dislocate my jaw and I would stand there. Now he would always leave. Why did you make me do this? Why did you make me have to do this? You think I wanted to do this to you, and then he'd always leave, and then I could scream and you know whatever. But that's exactly what it's like, and it's crazy that the numbers are increasing. We need to get this to stop. It needs. We need to do whatever we can to help get domestic violence to end.
Speaker 1:So Victoria has let y'all in on some of the details of her book. You can find it on Amazon. It's called who kicked first. She also has it where you can get through our website. And, yeah, y'all want to know more about that interesting story, which is, to me, is a horror story. You're welcome to pick up her book and find out more. I didn't think I was going to plug it, but you went right into it.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, it's just because so many people go through this and they feel so alone. And then they're like, maybe I'm the only one going through this, you know, maybe I'm the only one who made him angry. And no, because you become isolated, you get taken away from your friends, you get taken away from anybody that you have anything to do with. I mean I, he would get followed to my office. Luckily I get. I had to park underneath, which was a sign, you know parking, and you had to have a card to get in and you go through and you look at all this. But then I'd have 15 minutes to get to my office to call and show on the caller ID. That's where I was, so his cell phone would show that I'm actually there.
Speaker 2:And if he called and I was in a meeting and my assistant answered the phone, hell would break loose. I mean, he would sporadically just show up at the office, which I don't understand how he could do it, but he did, and this is what he did. And if his pictures were not where they're supposed to be in my office, hell would break loose. Like if I didn't wear his dog tags, hell would break loose. But you know what? Those dog tags will, freaking, choke the shit out of you and they hurt.
Speaker 2:And now you know, to this day I don't wear necklaces and that's a reason why. But my husband's the only one who can touch my throat and he's always been the only one who can touch my throat. But, oh see, our sweet babies are knocking on the door, something you'll never be able to forget everything you've been through. But you most certainly can live your life and you could be happy and have a great relationship and live life and be happy. And why are you looking at me like that? You're hot, whatever I told you if he has cataracts, so to wrap this up, he doesn't like this topic.
Speaker 1:We'll speak about men in general. Men have to place their priorities differently and value something other than the sex, the pornography that they're addicted to.
Speaker 2:Do you believe that that has anything to do with moving into violence?
Speaker 1:Sure, because you have no respect for your spouse. So you know you're going to treat these other women like a piece of shit because they don't matter, or are you going to treat your spouse like a piece of shit Cause she doesn't matter? That's why you have multiple women on the side. So but you were never violent physically you know you have to value your, your, your loved one right, but it doesn't always turn that way right because you were never violent no, I was not ever you?
Speaker 2:just he's laughing because being one-handed, one thing I do have a problem with is I always crack my screen on my phone so we go through cases or screen protectors. He's gonna say something we got, you haven't changed it this week, this week I changed it two days later.
Speaker 1:You cracked it in three different places, there's four.
Speaker 2:But it's not my fault. It's a big, thick phone and I have little hands.
Speaker 1:See, I can't help it all right, y y'all. Thank you for listening. Please check out the website and Victoria will have the other one up here finished soon, I think. Correct, mm, hmm, and also grab her book. Who kicked first?
Speaker 2:Grab which book.
Speaker 1:Well, there's many, but that's one we we talked about tonight. And y'all listen out for that fella coming on later this week. I won't be here, but him and I probably could have swapped some stories. I could definitely relate. I don't condone it, but I could relate. So y'all listen out for her future podcast. Thank y'all for listening. That's it for me, thank you, bye y'all.