Healing from the Heart: Emily's Journey Through Childhood Trauma, Breaking Generational Cycles, and Empowering Resilience

https://mamahoodaftertrauma.ca/home  What does it take to transform childhood trauma into a beacon of hope and resilience? Join us as we sit down with Emily Cleghorn, a remarkable advocate for trauma-informed care, who shares her journey of overcoming emotional neglect and untreated mental health issues. Emily's story is a testament to the power of early intervention and the conscious decision to break the cycle of trauma. From her early days of writing down feelings to the evolution of her "trigger toolbox," Emily provides invaluable strategies for managing emotional triggers and maintaining balance.

In this heartfelt episode, Emily opens up about her harrowing experiences, including emotional neglect and the impact of untreated anxiety and depression. Despite such adversity, Emily's determination to change her fate began in eighth grade, making her journey one of resilience and hope. We discuss the complex realities of parental trauma and the importance of addressing generational pain. Emily's insights, complemented by reflections from my book, "Rising from the Ashes: Reclaiming Your Life After Traumatic Childhood," offer a roadmap for healing and transformation.

Discover various ways to connect with Emily, from her Instagram (@emilycleghorncoach) to her podcast "Mama Hood After Trauma." We also highlight her upcoming book collaboration and the resources she offers. Emily's resilience and accomplishments are truly inspiring, making her a beacon of hope for others on similar paths. Tune in for an episode filled with empathy, genuine understanding, and practical tools for overcoming the shadows of the past.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

do this. Good afternoon and welcome to another episode of A Contagious Smile, where every smile tells a story. We are going to play catch up with Emily, who has been with us before. She's an amazing person with an amazing inspirational story, and not only have I had the pleasure and honor of interviewing her, but I was interviewed by her on her show and it will be released here in the next couple of weeks and I will make sure to put the link over here so everybody could see it. Everybody needs to go and check out her podcast. She is just a really sweet person with a really great heart and I'm so glad that we are finding this time to see what she's been up to. How are you, miss Emily?

Speaker 1: 0:41

I am well, thank you for having me Absolutely, having me absolutely absolutely now for some people who may not have heard the first podcast that you were with me on. You assist moms in navigating back from childhood trauma. Can you kind of give an oversight on how you do that for those that might not have heard you on the last show?

Speaker 2: 1:01

so so I I assist mamas in helping them to build a trigger toolbox, um, because you know mamahood can be really triggering, um. And you know, in working on your nervous system and learning those skills and strategies that are missing because you never learned them as a child, you free yourself from the bondage of the childhood trauma that you endured. It doesn't make it go away. It's a part of your story, um, and so it just helps you to overcome it so that it's not running your life. Tell me what is in your toolbox.

Speaker 1: 1:53

I remember when we spoke I'm so sorry, I have like eyelash money I remember when we spoke and you were telling me about your toolbox and I was just in. I loved the whole, the whole theory about having a toolbox and you have some original tools still in there and you purchase some new ones along the way, and the metaphor is amazing. So can you tell us how you started out with the toolbox? What kind of is still in there, what you might've gotten? Since we've spoken, everybody needs a toolbox. Everybody needs a toolbox Cause I know and you know we deal with a lot of tools, a lot of tools, and we're always in one. So I love her metaphor of the toolbox and so kind of, tell us about that.

Speaker 2: 2:35

Yeah, so the very, very first tool that was in my trigger toolbox, um, I got when I was a little girl, in the midst of my trauma, because using my words wasn't safe for me, and so my child psychologist at the time said you know, emily, just write down your feelings, write down how you're feeling in a letter. Obviously I was old enough to write like obviously I was old enough to write like sure. So if you're, if you're using this tool for a child who is really little, you might have them draw a picture instead. Sure, so write down your feelings and you don't have to give it to the person that you're writing it to, but you can give it to the person that you're writing it to, but you can, and they may or may not appreciate it, but it gets the feelings out. And so I've kind of taken that tool and adapted it a little bit into a journaling practice.

Speaker 2: 3:36

And so journaling can look a million different ways depending on what your strengths are. It could be painting, it could be music, it could be you know so many different things. But for me it's a pen and a notebook, and when I sit down with my journal and my pen, words flow through the end of that pen, and I don't, I don't think about it. It's a space of no judgment and I just allow myself to kind of purge all of the feels that's so good, and oftentimes I will reread what I've written.

Speaker 2: 4:28

I'll read over what I've written and then the waterworks start and that cry is so cleansing and so healing. Other tools that I have include breath work. So if my kid is throwing a temper tantrum and my nervous system is struggling to handle the volume of said temper tantrum, I can I have a strategy in place inside that helps me. Okay, so I need to breathe, and also like learning the language of your body, because your body has. You're dealing with a temper tantrum or you're dealing with a stressful situation at work or within a relationship. For me, it sits right here Like a big weight on my chest. Like a big weight on my chest and I can't quite figure it out until I'm like, oh, am I stressed about something? Am I anxious about something? Okay, let's use our tools. Okay, let's use our tools, and so I'll breathe it out.

Speaker 2: 6:28

My favorite technique is called 5-5-7 breathing, where you breathe in for five seconds, you hold it for five seconds and then you breathe out for five seconds, and what that does scientifically is it tricks your nervous system out of the fight or flight response and into the rest and digest Like almost like a reset. Yeah, and so and it's quick, like you can do it for two or three minutes and you're back down, whereas if you just let your body naturally come off of that stress response, it can take hours or days, or even like it can ruin your whole week if you don't have the right Tools, strategies and tools. Yes, yes, tools, strategies and tools. Yes, yes. So those are some of my strategies, tools in my toolbox. It can be as simple as closing off the amount of stimulus that you're getting at a given time if things are getting too much. So making your room dark, covering your ears so that the noise isn't as loud, breathing.

Speaker 1: 7:41

Emily, I've also heard like decluttering helps.

Speaker 2: 7:43

Oh, yeah, yeah, decluttering is huge, because oftentimes when we, when our space is chaotic and cluttered, then that reflects inwardly and that reflects inwardly. So then we feel chaotic and cluttered and anxious, and so clearing out the mess the things that you don't necessarily need right away can help with calming yourself down, right.

Speaker 1: 8:23

Now I want to offer everybody a warning in advance, a trigger warning in advance, because, emily, I remember your story and you are so inspiring because of where you are now versus where you've been, and it was really hard. It doesn't matter how many families that I get the privilege and honor of working with, it's still really hard every time you hear a good person go through a bad time, and you went through a really bad time. But I wanted to know if you wouldn't mind sharing a little bit about the trauma that you endured, because I want everybody to see how amazing you are now and they're hearing it, but to know where you came from and what you've overcome is such an amazing accomplishment, and that's all because of you, and so would you mind, kind of giving a little bit background of that.

Speaker 2: 9:08

Yeah, so I was raised primarily by my paternal grandparents. My mom dropped me off on their doorstep when I was six or seven months old and signed her rights away, um, and then. So, from the time I was an infant until I was six ish, um, I lived with my grandparents and my dad, um, and it was. It was hard because I I, as a little girl, I craved having a relationship with my mommy and my mommy didn't want me, um, and so that's that's where we started. And then, when I was six years old, my dad, uh, got married to, uh, uh, my stepmother and she had a son of her own. So, um, at that point, I was really close with my dad. When I was little, we used to go to the park, we used to go for chocolate ice cream. My dad actually had a storybook personally created for me, which I lost in a flood in 2020 when my house flooded, but that was. It was all of the things that we liked to do together, and it was illustrated. Um, I think we were dogs in the story. I'm not sure I can't remember Um, but it was all about how, how much he loves spending time with me. Oh, I forgot about that until right now, um, and so I wanted to go live with my dad, because I was really close with him, sure, which made sense, and my grandparents thought, well, you know, she belongs with her dad. But it didn't take long to realize that that was probably the worst decision that we could have collectively made, was probably the worst decision that we could have collectively made.

Speaker 2: 11:07

I lived with my dad, my stepmom, my stepbrother, for about 18 months, during which time I was abused in all of the ways by my stepmother and my stepbrother. I was, I was, I had a room in an unfinished basement, um, out of the way of everybody, um and so when, whenever I was alone with my stepbrother, he took every opportunity that he could to beat me up, sexually, abuse me. My stepmom, whenever she had the opportunity, she would smack me, like, in the mornings before school, there was one chair that I was allowed to sit in in the living room and, um, so I would be sitting there already for school, waiting for it to be time to go out and wait for the school bus, and she would walk by, going from her bedroom to the bathroom, and she would just smack me on her way by, like she had nothing better to do with her time, and I was not allowed to stay at home on weekends. So I was rotated amongst three different family members homes my biological mom's house, my grandparents and an aunt and an aunt. And so when I went on Friday evenings, when I got to their houses, the first place I would head for was the fridge, because during the week I was only allowed to have one serving, one small serving, and, quite honestly, I looked like a child from a concentration camp.

Speaker 2: 13:11

Um, how come your dad allowed all this? How come your dad? Well, it was it. Most of it was done when he wasn't home, but he had to have seen some signs. And he, he. Well, I struggled with learning to read, um, no duh. And I also struggled with bedwetting, and no one really put two and two together. Um, he did walk in on my stepbrother, hurting me at one point, and he lost. I don't think I've ever heard my dad yell so loud in my life. Um, but nothing happened after he exploded.

Speaker 2: 13:52

It wasn't until, um a November, a Sunday evening in November of, let me think, 97 or 98, 98, when I was at my biological mom's house, she told me to go get my stuff together because it was time to go go home and something clicked in my seven-year-old mind that said I'm not going back there. Um. So I figured out a way that I wasn't going to go home. Um, I went in my sister's room where my stuff was, and packed up my stuff and tried to find a place to hide. I ended up hiding under her big, clunky wooden desk. I was malnourished enough that I could fit under the desk quite well, quite comfortably, and put my bag in front of me and I sat there for probably a half an hour to 45 minutes. A half an hour to 45 minutes it felt like a lot longer to a seven-year-old, absolutely. But.

Speaker 2: 15:09

But, um, eventually my mom came in. She came in a few times and hollered my name. My brother came in looking for me, my sister came in looking for me and nobody could find me. But eventually my mom came in and she saw my bag sitting in the chair hole and so she moved it. And there was. There was little Emily. Um, and she goes what are you doing? I'm not going home, it's what I'm not doing. I'm not going home. And she's like well, what am I supposed to do. I'm just like well, I guess you're gonna have to adult and figure that out. Um, so she got on the phone, she called my dad and he said something along the lines of let me call mom and dad. And that night I went back to live with my grandparents and life went on as normal. Life went on as normal.

Speaker 1: 16:06

Not for you. This is not your normal, but whatever happened to the step mom and the step brother Nothing.

Speaker 2: 16:15

Nothing To this day, nothing. Is your dad still angry to her? Oh no, no, she abused him as well, but nothing.

Speaker 1: 16:26

Unbelievable, that's unbelievable. And so, as a child at seven, and how did you start learning to manage through all this?

Speaker 2: 16:37

because I'm such confusion had to come with this yeah, I, I, I, I didn't have the tools that I needed. Um, so I, in my family, we don't talk about the hard things until Emily comes along and writes a book about it. It so, and you know, I think I was nine or 10 years old, I think it was in fourth grade, and I should also note that my step-mom fought with my elementary school in first grade to have me held back so that her son was not ahead of me in school. So I repeated first grade because I was in first grade when I went to live there and then I was pulled out into the hallway. My teacher said Emily, you're being held back. Why Were your grades in question?

Speaker 1: 17:37

No, my stepmom didn't want me to be ahead of her grade.

Speaker 2: 17:41

I don't know. It was the 90s. Things were different back then. Yeah, they were cowardice, I guess. Um, in my opinion as an educator now, like I've been in a classroom for upwards of 10 years, so like you can't do that right, they were afraid of her yeah, they were afraid of her.

Speaker 2: 18:04

So, yeah, I pushed, I pushed it down and I was. I was nine or 10 years old the first time I told my grandmother I don't want to be alive anymore and she looked at me and said we don't talk that way. Now, mind you, my grandmother is a boomer and they didn't talk that way. So for her to have a grandchild come up to her and say I don't want to be alive anymore, she didn't have the tools to to know how to deal with that. So, giving her a little bit of grace, I wouldn't respond that way. But right, that's, those are the tools that she had in her toolbox, yeah, so I didn't talk that way and I pushed it down, I buried it and it was like a black cloud looming over my head, probably until I was 20, almost 30.

Speaker 1: 19:09

Emily. How did you cope with that? What was your?

Speaker 2: 19:13

device. I pushed it down, I tried to ignore it, I pushed it down and that resulted in anxiety, depression, hormonal issues. And it wasn't until a lot like many years had passed and I was, my husband and I were trying to start our family, when I went to a naturopath who explained to me how my stress response was impacting my hormones and my fertility and I was like, oh wow, because nobody, there was. No, there was no therapy. I mean, for a while I went to see a child psychologist, but eventually that office closed and there was nothing else. And then, when I was in university, I tried to go see therapists. When I was in high school, I went to the school guidance counselor who was not at all trauma-informed and she told me I just needed to get over it. What, yeah, yeah, um, people don't realize that it's not a light switch.

Speaker 1: 20:32

You just can't.

Speaker 2: 20:33

It's not like it doesn't happen that way. It doesn't happen. Um, my brain was developing in the midst of all of this hell, so my brain did not develop the way that a person a child's brain develops, that lives in a healthy household, right like my brain is altered and you know it wasn't until I was diagnosed last year 2023, april 2023 with PTSD. It took that long that's over, that's like 30 years to get diagnosed with PTSD. Um, because nobody in my family thought, oh, maybe Emily's got needs some help, like Not even your dad.

Speaker 1: 21:33

No, how's your dad doing? Because he you said he was abused.

Speaker 2: 21:40

He also has PTSD, but he is not. Our relationship is strained, of course it is Because, you know, when I, when I moved into that house with my dad and my step-mom and my stepbrother, I lost my dad too. Yeah, I was thinking that you were telling me yeah, because, like before, we had a relationship, you were close, we were close, we loved to do things together and then my dad was gone and he did stand up for me a little bit, but he didn didn't. He didn't say whoa, this is not okay and I need to get Emily out of here. If that was up to me as a seven-year-old little girl you're a child um, so it's.

Speaker 2: 22:39

it's been a journey, but you know, as as much as my brain was altered developmentally with the situation that I grew up in, that didn't stop me from doing the research I I remember once in eighth, when I was in eighth grade, we had to do a research project on something, and for I looked I. I looked at the stats for kids who grow up in in a traumatic household and the likelihood of them repeating that cycle, and I made the decision. You broke the cycle.

Speaker 2: 23:44

In eighth grade that I was not going to be one of those statistics. Good for you. And I remember even further back, walking across the parking lot, going into my child psychologist's office, thinking someday I'm going to help the kids like me, because nobody deserves to have parents who don't know how to love them. Right, they didn't ask for this, they don't deserve this and it's not right. And like I was seven, like I wasn't very old, so I've. It's not been easy, of course it hasn't, it's quite. It's not been easy. It's not been easy, but I've had a determination from a very young age to not be what I grew up in.

Speaker 1: 24:47

I'm so proud of you. You broke the cycle.

Speaker 1: 24:49

I can't tell you, I've done so many interviews and I remember, after I initially interviewed you back then it wasn't that long after I was interviewing someone who I thought about you because the person I was talking to was like, well, it's okay that my husband beat me because his parents beat him, and I was like, absolutely not.

Speaker 1: 25:05

And I was like absolutely not. And I was like I can tell you I know a handful of women that I can, and you were one of them that you could think about right this minute that had the crappiest childhood, who was treated horrifically and never did the parents accept responsibility for their actions. They always placed it on us. We didn't even have to be there, but we were at fault for it. We could have been at school, we could have been at the grocery store, but when we got home, whatever happened is our fault and they never took the responsibility for it. And we broke the cycle and we chose to not live our life like them and it's a choice. And people say, no, well, they have. You know they, they went through this trauma, so it's okay. No, it's not okay, it's not okay.

Speaker 1: 25:49

That is a cognitive weak decision. That is a decision to be weak and just not face the facts. If you're going to go and put your hands on someone unwarranted, you know what I say Hit yourself and see how you like it. There's no reason to go and put your hands on your kids. There's no reason to go and put your hands on your partner. They don't deserve it, no matter what the situation is. And if you are able to overcome what you have and break that cycle, you know what You've stopped your little ones from going and doing the same thing. And if anybody deserves to have a breakdown, you know, but we never did. We fought our own fight independently.

Speaker 1: 26:26

There's a lot to be said for that, and that is why I'm so glad you do talk about your past, because more people need to understand they can overcome it and joy, or you can fill it up with misery and depression and disappointment and be as miserable as they are, and then they win and they don't have the right to have that power. They do not have enough within them to carry our power. So we take it back and we break the cycle and we become everything that they're not able to do themselves. And that's exactly what you've done and it is such a testament to you as a person because you overcame. I mean, even I remember the first time. I don't know if you remember I cried when you were telling me about your stepbrother the first time and and here I am like literally trying not to again because it's not right, it's not, it's not right. They need and you know the ones that need to be seeking assistance from a counselor, a psychiatrist, psychologist they never go. They don't think they need to go. It's the ones like us who end up having to go and we end up taking our entire adulthood, recovering from our childhood. And when you love your children, you don't want them to experience that. That's nothing I would want my kiddos to feel, and I know you're the same way.

Speaker 1: 27:48

So what I don't get and maybe you have an answer for this how does someone carry their child because we don't ask to be born? How does someone carry their child for eight, nine months, whatever the situation is, and then treat them like that? You have such a bond as a woman carrying that baby, feeling them kick in their heartbeats. I mean I loved outside of being abused during the whole pregnancy. I loved the closest I had with faith, and to feel her kicking and the bondage that we had is amazing. How do you go and turn around and and be pure and utter evil? Because it's our job as parents to protect and help our kids prepare for the next stage of life. We're not supposed to be preparing them for a couch for the rest of their life with psychiatrists and psychologists and and that we're supposed to teach them that life is about love and happiness. So why do you think that some people just don't even care to want to make it better for their children?

Speaker 2: 28:59

Well, I don't know, honestly, traumatized people who are so disconnected from themselves and their feelings and their emotions and they're too too fearful or too proud to ask for help and to seek, allow their fear to hold them back anymore makes me. That's. That's one of the things that I did in understanding my lineage, like what did my mom experience that cause that could have caused the situation that I've I have with her? Or what did my dad experience that caused him to be the type of father that he is Not that understanding that minimates their actions, but it adds an element of humanness and grace, so that you can understand that while their actions were awful and I personally would not take those actions there is hurt. Take those actions.

Speaker 1: 30:42

There is hurt behind those actions.

Speaker 2: 30:45

Have you ever asked your mom or dad why? No, when I bring up my childhood with my, I don't speak to my mom anymore, but when I wrote my book I was. She made sure that I knew that I was the scum of the earth, um, but when I bring up my childhood with my dad and my grandmother, um, I am an awful monster. So we don't talk about that like we don't. We don't talk about what happened Like we don't. We don't talk about what happened. Do you think to them I'm sorry, say it hard To them they think I need to get over it. And by talking about it and by working it out. I am. That's, that's my intention too, but we have to talk about it. It's like our emotional wounds, in my opinion, are very much like a cut or a scrape on your skin. It needs air to breathe. Like you need to work it out.

Speaker 1: 31:47

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 31:48

Do you think they read your book? My grandmother did. She says it's very good, but I don't know if my dad did and I definitely don't think my mom did.

Speaker 2: 31:58

But I know other family members who did and they said so my book is called rising from the ashes reclaiming your life after traumatic childhood, and it's the stepping stones that I realized early on in my healing journey that I needed and are quite important to a healing journey from childhood trauma that not a lot of people talk about things like believing in yourself, because, as trauma survivors, we often look outside of ourselves for validation, but everything we need is inward, and the trauma has left us with a shell of, left us as a shell of a person. And so when you learn how to believe in yourself, how to own your inherent self-worth, how to create a vision for your life and goals, and you start to not live in that survival state, but you start, you know, thriving Right, it's huge. And so when I re-released my book in September of 2023, last year, I also created a workbook to go along with it, because you know, the words that I've written in the book are hugely transformative.

Speaker 1: 34:20

The words that I've written in the book are hugely transformative. It adds another layer of transformation when you work through the steps with me as you're going through the book, and so that's where the workbook came into place, and it's huge. It's huge. Yeah, what a gift. And I think that, unfortunately, I hate the fact that we've gone through what we have, but we have a better insight on how to help people than a lot of people who just, I mean and I don't want to take away or admit anybody who's done the schooling, cause I did the schooling and you know, to be honest, emily, if someone said, hey, would you rather go sit with and this is personal preference If you'd rather go sit with someone who has their you know, master's or PhD or whatever, or would you rather go sit with someone who's been through it no offense to anyone who's you know gone just for the school? I want to go with someone who has been through it, because they get it on a whole different level. You know there's an understanding and a connection between the two, like with you and I, that you get it and you understand it, so you don't just sit there and think, ok, I don't remember reading about this in my book, or you know, why are they, why did they stay so long, or why? I mean it's it. You know that they're going to wonder that, but you and I get it. We understand it. It's a. It's a understood like subconscious thing from the jump.

Speaker 1: 35:19

And to be able to do that and to produce a workbook to go with it, it's just amazing. Everybody needs to go out and get this and get the workbook and do the work, because it's not really work, it's reflection and it's healing. Yeah, I don't think it should be called work, because it's not. Work is such a negative, drowning word that you want to say this is a reflection and growth, this is a reflection and healing. And you that you want to say this is a reflection and growth, this is a reflection and healing, and you deserve that. You want to give it to your kids, you want to be your best you for your kids. Then you have to do this too. Now you told me that you have another book coming out, can you?

Speaker 2: 35:50

kind of give us a little insight on it. Yeah, so I am part of a book collaboration. Um, it's called uh, she defies, and it is set to release in january of 2025. So, um, if you head over to my instagram, emilyclighorncoach, I'm sure you will be kept in the loop. Not a great title that is.

Speaker 1: 36:17

That is a great title, simple, but great Like very powerful yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:21

Yeah, how can people find you? So you can find me on Instagram, as I, as I just said, emilycleghorncoach, or you can find me on my website, or, you know, you can just head over to the mama hood after trauma podcast and find me there I'm gonna have her give me every link possible so that I can include them, so everybody can reach out.

Speaker 1: 36:47

And where can we get your book, workbook and soon to be new release in seven months book um.

Speaker 2: 36:54

So my book and my workbook are both available on amazon, um on all marketplaces. As far as I'm aware, um and the the book collaboration will be available on amazon, but I believe it will also be in barnes and nobles. So so I'm not sure if it will be available in stores in Canada, but I know that it will be available in stores in the U? S, so keep an eye out for that.

Speaker 1: 37:24

Yes, and maybe you can find time to come back right before it launches and we can remind everybody oh yeah, I would love to come back and talk. You're such a sweetheart. Thank you again for let's catching up, and I want to make sure everybody can get ahold of you, so I'm going to get all the ways to do that and put it in the show notes Again. I just hope you realize how amazing you are and how you've overcome everything, and it's it's an honor to not only have you back on again but to know you, because you you have come up through so much and you've come so far, and I hope you see what I see when I look at you and I see all that you've accomplished.

Speaker 2: 38:00

No, thank you so much, it's been a pleasure, thank you.