Ever felt the sting of a friendship slipping through your fingers and found yourself wondering, "Is it me?" Yeah, me too! In fact, it's not just you or me, but a whole lot of us have been wallowing in the depths of self-doubt and feelings of rejection.
In this episode, we're setting sail together through the emotional turbulence of lost connections. Stripping back the layers of self-blame to navigate the natural ebb and flow of relationships, understanding that an ended friendship isn't a measure of our worth. Rejection and ghosting can leave us marooned with our insecurities.
As we delve deeper into the complexities of our social landscape, we encounter the ten significant fears that often shadow our friendships. From the unsettling unease of being talked about behind our backs to the daunting prospect of rejection, we're diving into these prevalent social anxieties that can shake our sense of connection. Through open discussions of personal experiences and a compassionate exploration of the insecurities that accompany group dynamics, this episode offers guidance for those traversing the complexities of modern friendships. We'll take a look at the top ten frustrations people have when it comes to their friendships and how both are intricately intertwined.
And together, we'll explore strategies to navigate these challenges, recognising recurring patterns, and embrace the opportunities for growth that arise from confronting these common fears.
This week's quote comes from an unknown source. I think it serves as an important reminder to look at the end of any relationships with as much positivity as possible. That's not to deny the hurt we might feel, but to be able to move through the hurt, anger or any thoughts and feelings swirling around in our heads as quickly as we can so that we don't hold onto it and create sickness and further distress.
“Although our paths may diverge, the memories we’ve created will always be a part of me.”
Remember to let us know what your biggest fear around your friendships is by joining the conversation on our FaceBook page. Click on the link to head to our FB page now.
Ever felt the sting of a friendship slipping through your fingers and found yourself wondering, "Is it me?" Yeah, me too! In fact, it's not just you or me, but a whole lot of us have been wallowing in the depths of self-doubt and feelings of rejection.
In this episode, we're setting sail together through the emotional turbulence of lost connections. Stripping back the layers of self-blame to navigate the natural ebb and flow of relationships, understanding that an ended friendship isn't a measure of our worth. Rejection and ghosting can leave us marooned with our insecurities.
As we delve deeper into the complexities of our social landscape, we encounter the ten significant fears that often shadow our friendships. From the unsettling unease of being talked about behind our backs to the daunting prospect of rejection, we're diving into these prevalent social anxieties that can shake our sense of connection. Through open discussions of personal experiences and a compassionate exploration of the insecurities that accompany group dynamics, this episode offers guidance for those traversing the complexities of modern friendships. We'll take a look at the top ten frustrations people have when it comes to their friendships and how both are intricately intertwined.
And together, we'll explore strategies to navigate these challenges, recognising recurring patterns, and embrace the opportunities for growth that arise from confronting these common fears.
This week's quote comes from an unknown source. I think it serves as an important reminder to look at the end of any relationships with as much positivity as possible. That's not to deny the hurt we might feel, but to be able to move through the hurt, anger or any thoughts and feelings swirling around in our heads as quickly as we can so that we don't hold onto it and create sickness and further distress.
“Although our paths may diverge, the memories we’ve created will always be a part of me.”
Remember to let us know what your biggest fear around your friendships is by joining the conversation on our FaceBook page. Click on the link to head to our FB page now.
Hello and welcome to Reverse, reset, restore. I'm Sally, and today we're addressing a vital topic that has the potential to transform your life owning your thoughts, feelings and responses when friendships falter or fail. Join us as we explore how shedding off our false thoughts and taking on some personal accountability for our belief systems can help us heal. Change comes from within. I don't know if this is just me, and I suspect it's not, but I have taken on board the loss of a friendship as a personal failing more times than I care to recount. I've had a lot of meaningful friendships in my life. Some have remained to this day, others have changed or waned over time, and some seem to stay in that magical place where you might not have talked in forever, but then you pick up where you left off, like there's been no time lost in between at all. And then many friendships have ended unexpectedly and without closure. You know the good old, tried and true ghosting technique that seems to be an evergreen popular way these days to end friendship. Those are the friendships I want to talk about today, because those are the relationships that have broken me over and over again, and yet they've also refined and reshaped me into a person with more resilience and, I guess, as an unwanted side effect, become more wary of people as well. And that's been one of the toughest things for me to navigate how to maintain my hope and delight in people when the world seems adamant to prove itself as a frightening, toxic, lonely place to be.
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When a friendship has ended, especially without any resolution as to why, my default thinking was always I've done something wrong or I'm not good enough, or what is wrong and so unlovable about me? I've always put the onus on myself. Every friendship fail in my life I held up as proof of my unworthiness or inability to be loved and accepted. It has flamed the fires of my rejection and self-hatred. It has created a drive in me to be even more of a people pleaser or perfectionist. Now it's bad enough to have those tendencies on a good day, but add on a ghosting and I quickly tuned into the wild whisperings in my mind that said things like see, I told you you weren't good enough. Oh, the torment I have created for myself over the years. And it is a torment, it is suffering.
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If I sat here and wrote a list right now of the people whose friendships were withheld from me, abruptly taken with no prior warning or reasoning or resolution. I'd probably be here for hours, maybe even days, and I'd be getting myself into a dangerous headspace that would bring me back into that place of suffering and torment and feelings that take me to the brink of a place none of us belong. You see, this was a thing, a pattern, that kept happening over and over in my life for as long as I can recall. No wonder I have found such a huge weight of rejection impeding me my entire life, and it didn't make a lot of sense. After all, I consider myself to be a kind, thoughtful, caring and generous friend, and yet, even when believing in my own goodness and my fun and vibrant personality, I have inevitably always seen the end of these friendships as my fault, proof of never being enough.
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Talk about messing up your mindset. So what was it that made me so vulnerable to this line of thinking? I'm probably never going to be able to pinpoint it exactly, and if anything, it's a culmination of things. Perhaps I am just a bit more susceptible to the feeling of rejection than other people, or maybe I'm mirroring the experiences of my ancestors, perhaps it's karma, maybe my own need for self-preservation? I'm not as open and loving, as I perceive myself to be, or perhaps many of these so-called rejections have very little to do with me at all. Does any of this make sense for you? Do you relate? Have you got yourself caught up in believing that everything is somehow always your fault, proof that you're not a valuable and worthwhile human being? If so, I hope that this episode starts to unravel all of those lies you've been buying into for however long. So while I don't think we can find an absolute answer to these questions, in all honesty, here is what I have figured out, in part after years of reflection and putting into practice the ethos of it's not me, it's you, or rather them.
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All relationships are seasonal. Our lives are seasonal. We are always shifting and changing, like the way the world moves, from summer to autumn to winter to spring. There is a circular nature to our existence. We are born, we live, we die. Some relationships will be a part of us from start to finish. Others can feel very transactional, like maybe the people you work with or the kids from school, or even sometimes from the people within your own family. Letting go of that need to know why things changed or ended and accepting that our lives are seasons and there is an ebb and flow to it has helped me navigate past some painful ends to relationships I never saw coming.
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Now I gotta say that things took an interesting turn for me when I started looking at some quotes to add to this conversation. Many of them really seem to offer up the idea that someone had done something wrong or that if a friendship ended, it wasn't a true friendship to begin with, stunting things like I didn't lose a friend, I just realized I never had one, which in actuality probably isn't as true as it sounds. Quotes like that diminish, at least from my viewpoint, those relationships, putting them in a tightly constrained box of blame. It feeds our internal narrative, which is judgmental and prejudiced. Frankly, a lot of the quotes were BS to me, which highlighted for me just how big an issue this actually is and how we play this crippling sort of blame or shame game when our friendships fail.
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Now I started off this discussion saying that maybe it was just me that struggled to not take it personally when a friendship failed, but I know that's not true. In fact, it's a pretty common belief system we have. We all want to be liked and accepted. We all want to feel loved and wanted and needed, and so it is incredibly painful when a relationship we have with someone, especially if it is meaningful to us, goes belly up and it's natural for us to wonder what we did wrong or perhaps assume that we must have done something wrong. If you are a recovering people pleaser, perfectionist, comparison seeker or self-doubter labels we talked about a few episodes back you'll know what I'm talking about Getting caught up in these assumptions and mind games and feelings.
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What we're going to talk about today is how we can free ourselves up from this idea that we've done something wrong when a relationship has ended. And yeah, maybe we have wronged other people before. We have all been responsible for hurting others. We are human. None of us are perfect. All of us make mistakes. All of us have been reactive to a person or a situation at some point. We might have lunged out at others in our own fears and hurts and insecurities, and it's okay to acknowledge that and to take some responsibility for our part.
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But that's another topic for another episode, because today I really want to hone in on how we can let go of the hurt we feel when friendships seemingly fail, how we can free ourselves from those lulleries that shriek loudly and incessantly that we should bow our heads in shame, that we are not good enough and never will be, and that we deserve to be ghosted and hated and left behind, abandoned and alone. These lies we tell ourselves are more prevalent than you think and they are based in fear thinking. I'm going to take us through the top 10 most common fears and frustrations women have about their friendships, and then we're going to talk about how we can let go of those fears and frustrations and find deeper connections for ourselves so that, even if a friendship suddenly and abruptly ends, we've got some practical ways to not fall back on those familiar hurts of self-reprisal or that I'm not good enough mental routine that we've perfected over years of self-criticalisal, or that I'm not good enough mental routine that we've perfected over years of self-critical thinking. If there was an Olympic sport category for mind games, how many of us would end up on the podium? Probably everybody. So here are the top 10 fears women have regarding their friendships.
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Number 10, feeling left out of inside jokes. Number 9, being talked about behind their back. Number 8, misunderstandings. Number 7, confrontation. Number 6, losing identity. Number 5, fear of being excluded. Number four being replaced. Number three abandonment. Number two betrayal. And number one rejection. If any of these resonate with you, let me know by commenting on our top 10 fears, post in the Reverse Reset Restore Facebook page and tell us which of the 10 makes it top of your list. Now let's walk through them in a little more detail.
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Number 10, feeling left out of inside jokes. Inside jokes and shared experiences can strengthen bonds between friends, but they can also create feelings of exclusion for those who are not part of them. People may fear that they will be left out of inside jokes or excluded from group activities, leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation. This fear may be more pronounced in tight-knit friend groups or social circles where exclusivity is valued. Number nine being talked about behind their back.
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Gossip and rumors can damage friendships and erode trust between friends. It's easy to fear that you will become the subject of negative talk or speculation among your peers, leading to feelings of betrayal and isolation. This fear may be heightened in environments where gossip is prevalent or social dynamics are competitive. Number eight misunderstandings. Communication breakdowns and misunderstandings can erode trust and intimacy and friendships, leading to feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. Women may fear that their intentions will be misinterpreted or that they will be unable to effectively express themselves to their friends. This fear can be exacerbated by differences in communication styles or cultural backgrounds.
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Number seven confrontation. Many women are averse to confrontation in their friendships, fearing that it will lead to conflict or tension. This fear can stem from a desire to maintain harmony and avoid rocking the boat, even at the expense of your own needs or boundaries. Women may struggle with this fear at various stages of life, from navigating conflicts in schoolyard friendships to addressing deeper issues in adulthood. Number six losing identity. Friendships play a significant role in shaping individual identity, and the fear of losing that identity can be deeply unsettling. Women may fear that their friendships will overshadow or diminish their sense of self, leading to feelings of loss or confusion about who they are outside of their social circles. This fear may be particularly relevant for women who prioritize their relationships above other aspects of their lives.
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Number five fear of being excluded. This fear revolves around the worry of being intentionally left out or excluded from social activities or gatherings by friends. Women may fear that they will be sidelined or overlooked, leading to feelings of isolation and rejection. Sidelined or overlooked, leading to feelings of isolation and rejection. This fear can be particularly challenging for women who value inclusivity and belonging in their friendships, as it taps into deep-seated desires for acceptance and validation from others.
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Number four being replaced. Similar to the fear of abandonment, which is number three on our list, the fear of being replaced by others taps into insecurities about one's place in friendships. People may worry that they will be sidelined or forgotten as their friends form new connections or relationships. This fear can be heightened in situations where people feel insecure about their social standing or perceived value to others. I think one of the obvious ones that comes to mind is when people get coupled up or involved in a romantic relationship, and for those of us who have experienced that first blush of falling in love, there is a natural drive that this happens. You want to spend all your time together with this person. That suddenly means everything and that can often impact negatively on your other relationships. It's usually a short-term thing for most people, but if you are someone that maybe doesn't have a lot of other close friends or you are used to spending a lot of time together and that suddenly stops, it's easy to feel like you've been replaced, even when you are excited for your loved up friend. And then comes guilt and shame and maybe even some fear that you won't find love for yourself if you're a single person.
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Number three abandonment. The fear of abandonment revolves around the idea of being left behind or forgotten by friends. People may worry that their friends will move on or find new connections, leaving them feeling alone and unsupported. This fear can be especially poignant for women in transitional life stages, such as after a major life event or during times of significant change. Number two betrayal. Betrayal in friendships can be particularly devastating as it involves a breach of trust and loyalty. People may fear being betrayed by friends that they have confided in or relied on, leading to feelings of betrayal and hurt. This fear may intensify with age as women accumulate more life experiences and encounters with trust issues and friendships.
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And number one which kind of sparked this whole conversation, because it's the one I battle with the most, like a lot of people, which is why it is our number one fear is rejection. This fear often stems from past experiences of rejection, whether in friendships, romantic relationships or other aspects of life. It may even be something we pick up on from our mothers while in the womb, so we are born into it and, yes, that is a thing. Generational wounds exist A topic for another day.
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Rejection can manifest as a deep-seated fear of not being accepted or valued by others, leading to self-doubt and insecurity. No matter your age, social standing, culture or upbringing, many of us grapple with this fear, especially if we've faced rejection in the past or we've struggled with low self-esteem. The reality is is that rejection sucks no matter how old or young we are when we experience it. There is no way around it. It is a part of life, which also means that at times, we've been the ones doing the rejecting too. Feelings of rejection are normal, but that doesn't mean it isn't painful to walk through. It's how we learn to deal with it when it happens. That's much more valuable.
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I'm going to spend a whole upcoming episode looking at rejection, its impact, the terrible lies. We believe in the fallout, and I'll share some of my stories of how much I was hurt in the moment of some pretty awful failed friendships and how I've managed to overcome it, because we can overcome this distorted feeling when we are ousted or ghosted from a friendship. If that sounds like an episode that you need to hear, please be sure to click like, follow, subscribe. You know all the things you can do to keep up to date with our latest episodes, and if you have a story you'd like to share about your own experiences of rejection whether it's friendships, relationships, romantic relationships, family or even job hunting share it with me by contacting me via DM, on our socials or my email, which is in the show notes. Your stories matter and they may just be the thing that helps someone else in our community find some clarity, maybe get some healing and maybe even have some understanding that they aren't alone in this.
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Alongside our fears, we have our frustrations. A relationship with any other person isn't going to be 100% smooth sailing, no matter how much we may love and like them. If we can't even love ourselves all the time, we definitely can't love anyone else all the time either. And yes, I'm even talking about your kids. It's okay to not like even your most favorite people in some moments. So if you're holding on to some shame that somehow you're not a good enough mom or dad or wife or son, let it go. Everyone we interact with on a consistent basis is going to probably annoy us at some point. That is normal and approved this. So you can fix a little bit.
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I'm going to share with you the top 10 frustrations we have when it comes to our friendships and relationships, coming in at number 10, jealousy or envy. Number nine feeling overshadowed or ignored. Number eight fear of being excluded or left out. Number seven flakiness or unreliability. Number six difficulty in resolving conflicts. Number five feeling judged or criticized. Number four competitive dynamics. Number three one-sided friendships. Number two feeling undervalued or taken for granted. And number one lack of communication. Notice something interesting between the fears list and the frustrations list. Between the fears list and the frustrations list, how many of our fears overlap with our frustrations? Difficulty in resolving conflicts is a frustration we have and the fears we hold are being misunderstood or having to deal with confrontation. The frustration of feeling overshadowed or ignored stems from our fear of being excluded. Our frustrations with jealousy or envy or being frustrated by this competitive dynamic may stem from our driving fears of abandonment or being replaced, or our frustrations that our friendships feel one way, which leads to feelings of not being good enough or feeling rejected. So our fears and frustrations over our friendships have strong links to each other. Our frustrations are really anchored in our fears and it's our fears that ultimately can keep us stuck.
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Experiencing the loss of a friendship can be emotionally challenging, but there are practical steps and ideas to help us navigate the situation without turning against ourselves. Let's look at ways we can reframe our experiences. Number one acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with being ghosted or having a friendship end, whether it's sadness or anger, or confusion or disappointment. It's essential to recognize and validate your emotions rather than suppressing them. When we try to bottle them up or stifle our feelings, they come out anyway eventually. This may be in tears, anger, retaliation, pushing everybody else away, and it always always shows up in your body as some type of disease or illness, if for no other reason than not wanting to be in physical pain or battling illness. You need to let your emotions out instead of using your body as a punching bag for your distress.
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Number two avoid self-blame. Remind yourself that being ghosted or not having closure when a friendship ends is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person. Avoid blaming yourself for the other person's actions or assuming responsibility for their behavior. Get yourself a mantra that you can play on repeat in your head anytime a thought of this nature comes in that wants to keep you in that blame cycle. This mantra could be as simple as it's not me, it's them. Or I am worthy of love and respect, or my self-worth isn't dependent on others. Whatever you do, make it something that feels meaningful to you and it will stop those negative, self-dispiriting thoughts in their tracks.
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Number three seek support. Reach out to supportive friends, family members or even a therapist who can offer empathy, understanding and a listening ear. Talking about your feelings for someone who you trust can provide comfort and perspective. If you feel like you don't have the kind of family or friends that can provide this and I know the feeling because I've been the collector of broken people who didn't have the capacity to help me through my own broken journey at times you might want to consider joining some type of group therapy or start engaging in activities that will lead you to people who are in a healthy position to help you. Number four focus on self-care. Engage in self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional and mental well-being, and I talk about this a lot. I know I do. I'm probably blogging a dead horse, we would say at this point, but you know, honestly, self-care is key here, and it could include exercise, mindfulness, hobbies, spending time in nature or indulging in activities that really bring you a sense of joy.
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Number five set boundaries. If the ghosting has caused you distress, consider setting boundaries with the person who ghosted you Now. This may involve expressing your feelings calmly and assertively or just choosing to disengage from further attempts to reconnect with them. Number six reflect on patterns. Take time to reflect on the dynamics of the friendship and any red flags or warning signs that may have been present before the friendship ended. Use this experience as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth, and it will be something that hopefully you can take on board into your future relationships and sort of be aware of, so that you can see those red flags or those patterns in advance.
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Number seven practice self-compassion. Be kind, be compassionate towards yourself during this challenging time. Treat yourself with the same level of understanding and support that you would offer to a friend going through a similar situation. This is where your language about yourself is going to be really important. Monitor your thoughts. Monitor what you are allowing to enter your mind and that you're dwelling on. Catch yourself when you're speaking unkindly over yourself, whether it's in your mind or out loud. Be more gentle and loving towards yourself. You deserve it. You're worth it.
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Number eight focus on positive relationships. Invest your time and energy in nurturing positive relationships with people who appreciate and value you for who you are. Surround yourself with individuals who contribute positively to your life, and it ties in again back to that seeking support, finding your people, finding people who will show that they think that you are a worthwhile person to be with. Number nine engage in meaningful activities. Stay engaged in activities and pursuits that give your life meaning and purpose. This could involve volunteering or pursuing personal goals or participating in activities that align with your interests and values. Number 10, stay open to new connections. While being ghosted can be painful, try to remain open to forming new friendships and connections in the future. Approach new relationships with an open heart and a willingness to trust, knowing that not everyone is going to turn their back on you or ghost you or end a relationship without prior warning, and this is the bonus.
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Number 11, learn to be okay with not knowing. Sometimes you are just not ever going to get a resolution or an explanation for why something ended. You have to learn to not sit there speculating or conjuring up all the reasons why. Doing that is a breeding ground for distress and anxiety and will keep you stuck. Sometimes we're just not going to have all the answers and we need to learn to let it go and be okay with that. This means practicing all of the above-mentioned techniques. It means teaching us the truths we've long forgotten about ourselves. We are lovable, we are deserving of love and friendships. We are extraordinary. Focusing on not knowing is a torment that we submit ourselves to. I know I've been there and done that and made myself sick and sad as a consequence. Now I am not saying that you have to immediately be okay with being ghosted or left feeling abandoned and unlovable, or leave feeling abandoned and unlovable. Here we are as human. This shit is going to hurt every time, but when we learn to move quickly through that grief and anger and hurt and all the feelings we feel when this happens and we stop taking on the responsibility of wearing it all on our shoulders, we get ourselves into a much healthier place, and that is the place where you belong.
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By taking these practical tips and ideas, individuals can navigate the experience of being ghosted from a friendship with resilience, self-compassion and a focus on personal growth. Remember that friendships, like all things in life, are cyclical. Everything has a season and just because it has ended, no matter how abruptly or brutally, there lies within a gem, a lesson, a hope. I encourage you to focus on what you learned from that relationship, what was good and positive, even the bad stuff, rather than default to thinking the lie, then it's all because you are not enough. I'm going to sign off with this quote and I hope you consider how it can be a beacon of light in the midst of a dark moment in your life. Although our paths may diverge, the memories we've created will always be a part of me. Let your memories be memories that push you forward rather than hold you back or keep you stuck.
