Have you ever been haunted by that inner voice telling you you're not good enough? I've wrestled with that demon myself, and it's a battle I know all too well. On this transformative episode of our podcast, I, Sally, share my personal journey through the pain of self-rejection, the physiology of our primal reaction to being turned away, and the ways it can wreak havoc on our physical and emotional well-being. I'm opening up about the isolation that follows and revealing five empowering strategies that helped me break the chains of self-doubt, reclaim my self-esteem, and emerge stronger.
We'll take a hard look at the fear of rejection, its impact on mental health, and how maintaining high personal standards might inadvertently affect those around us. It's an episode filled with candid reflections, practical advice, and an invitation to share your own experiences on our Facebook page—because while rejection may close some doors, it also opens the path to new beginnings and self-discovery. Join us, and let's turn rejection into a stepping stone for growth together.
This episodes closing quote comes from Steve Maraboli and doubles as a great mantra (at least that's how I've been using it! :P )
“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”
Have you ever been haunted by that inner voice telling you you're not good enough? I've wrestled with that demon myself, and it's a battle I know all too well. On this transformative episode of our podcast, I, Sally, share my personal journey through the pain of self-rejection, the physiology of our primal reaction to being turned away, and the ways it can wreak havoc on our physical and emotional well-being. I'm opening up about the isolation that follows and revealing five empowering strategies that helped me break the chains of self-doubt, reclaim my self-esteem, and emerge stronger.
We'll take a hard look at the fear of rejection, its impact on mental health, and how maintaining high personal standards might inadvertently affect those around us. It's an episode filled with candid reflections, practical advice, and an invitation to share your own experiences on our Facebook page—because while rejection may close some doors, it also opens the path to new beginnings and self-discovery. Join us, and let's turn rejection into a stepping stone for growth together.
This episodes closing quote comes from Steve Maraboli and doubles as a great mantra (at least that's how I've been using it! :P )
“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”
Welcome to Reverse, reset, restore, the show dedicated to empowering transformation. I'm your host, sally, and in our episodes we explore the art of reversing limiting beliefs, resetting our thought patterns and ultimately restoring our health, both physically and mentally. Join me as we uncover the tools, stories and strategies that will guide you on your path to a healthier, more vibrant you. Change comes from within. Comes from within. Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone or abandoned, I find myself thinking wow, that proves once again that I am a nobody. Thinking, wow, that proves once again that I am a nobody. My dark side says I am no good, I deserve to be punished, I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life, because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the beloved being. The beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence. Henry, henry JM Nguyen. Henry JM Nguyen.
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Hi and welcome to this week's episode where we are exploring the feeling of rejection. Do you ever feel rejected? Do you ever feel rejected? I have spent a lot of years battling this particular belief system. I honestly don't know when it started exactly. Maybe it was always there. I'm not sure, because it's certainly not how I felt growing up surrounded by my loving family. But I know that there have been many times in my life where the ugly, insidious sense of rejection has overwhelmed me. It's caused a lot of pain and isolation. I think. More than any other negative belief system, this is the one that has been my. This is the one that has been most prominent in my mind. It's made me question my worth and my existence. If I was to allow myself to totally fall into its traps, I wouldn't be here today.
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I have got, you see, I got myself into the habit of placing my hopes and needs in other people. I wanted to be seen, to be heard, to feel valued like anyone or everyone, and when my expectations were not or are not met, then my thoughts switch to you're not good enough, sally, or no one really could ever love you, or people are only interested in you when you are useful to them. Overcoming this idea, this belief, and the accompanying feelings of rejection? Well, it continues to be a sticking point for me, even now, but I am lessening its grip, its talons clawing and clawing and digging into the flesh of my feelings, the insidious fear that used to creep up through my bones. It's a hard one to navigate your way out of. At least that's been my experience.
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And yet rejection is an inevitable part of life, whether it's a job application, a romantic friendship, a romantic relationship, a friendship ending a creative endeavor, or even, sadly, from within our own families. We've all experienced the sting of rejection at some point. I know that I've taken it on board as a personal character assassination at times. I've spent a lot of time pondering the moments where I felt rejected, using it as proof that I was to blame, that I was less than Back in episode 85, when friendships fail, navigating strategies for healing and closure. I talked about the common fears and frustrations we share when it comes to our friendships and when it comes to our friendships and discuss some strategies to help us shift out of the thought system of self-blame and shame when a friendship has ended through no obvious fault of our own. So check that out if you'd like to have some helpful tips to help you heal from the loss of a friendship, particularly if it ended with you being ghosted. I also said in that episode that I would share a few examples from my own life how I perceived the end of those friendships and how I've moved myself beyond letting any of those ends continue to hurt me.
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How we respond to rejection can significantly impact our mental and emotional well-being. In this episode, we'll explore why rejection impacts us, how it affects our lives and health and, most importantly, I'm going to provide five strategies that you can use for overcoming rejection and building resilience. Before we dive in, I have a few questions I want you to ponder on. Give it some serious contemplation. What is your MO, your modus operandi, when you feel rejected? How do you respond? Where did you learn that response from? Have you ever considered reacting in a different way? How do you? Where do you feel it in your body when you feel rejected? How does it show up in your life as illness, cravings, rage, shopping, headaches, sleeplessness.
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Rejection triggers a primal response in the human brain. From an evolutionary standpoint, rejection was a threat to our survival in our ancestors, time, being ostracized from the tribe meant being left vulnerable to predators and the elements. And even though our modern lives are vastly different, our brains still perceive rejection as a threat to our well-being. So not only are we contending with this very real, primal, instinctual part of our mind, rejection taps into our deepest insecurities and fears, deepest insecurities and fears. It challenges us. It challenges our sense of self-worth and belonging, leaving us feeling vulnerable and exposed. Additionally, rejection often comes with a sense of shame and humiliation, as we feel judged and deemed unworthy by others. As we feel judged and deemed unworthy by others. This fear of rejection usually silences us or at least holds us hostage to it, afraid to speak up or advocate for ourselves, or even express the very thing we fear.
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Shannon L Alda reminds us when you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation, you will have peace, despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret, of the negative energy of fear and regret. Allowing ourselves to be open and honest, or putting a voice to our soul, as Shannon so poetically puts it, in spite of the possibility of rejection, can be very freeing. So why don't we see it that way? Is it because we would rather be bound to our fear than our freedom? Is it because we know? Is it because we just play into the idea that we will be rejected? Is it just habit?
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So I am currently looking for a new job and I've encountered frustrating silence from potential employers, leaving me feeling at times overlooked and undervalued, and a host of other emotions crowding in. It's really disheartening to pour time and effort into crafting applications, only to be met with silence. Hands up. If you know what I'm talking about and if you are job hunting like me, I feel your pain. Yet I've come to realize that this lack of response reflects more on the company's culture than on my own worth or what my resume says. While the argument that workplaces receive hundreds of applications and can't possibly respond to every applicant may hold some merit, the ease of technology today should make communication more accessible. The failure to extend even a standard rejection letter is a cop-out, and it speaks volumes about a company's regard for its applicants. I find myself really wanting to call out this disregard. Yet I don't, because I guess it's that idea of not burning all your bridges down, even though sometimes we need to burn the bridges and reroute the damn road.
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Reflecting on my job search and the way my previous employer handled my redundancy and my personal development journey, it's led me to re-evaluate how things have ended, including past friendships. What I once perceived as personal rejection, I now understand it's a lot more complex. Instead of dwelling on these losses and beating myself up and shouldering all the blame, I've reframed them as valuable lessons and opportunities for my growth. This shift in perspective has helped me break free from the cycle of self-blame and pity that once consumed me, leading to improved mental well-being. And there is another lesson in which. There is another lesson in when we are wounded. There is another lesson in when we are wounded, we get to choose how we respond to it. We can choose to let it beat us down into submission of a world that seems hell-bent to let suffering be the normal way of existing.
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I don't know how many times I felt like there was no. I don't know how many times I felt like there was no. I don't know how many times there felt like there was this expectation for me to harden up so I could somehow measure up to our collective pain. I refuse to let the world and my pain turn me away from my authentic self. This quote from Bryant McGill, author of Simple Reminders Inspiration for Living your Best Life, really bolsters my spirits, because it is exactly what I have always believed in your suffering needs to be respected.
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Don't try to ignore the hurt, because it is real. Just let the hurt soften you instead of hardening you. Let the hurt open you instead of closing you. Let the hurt send you looking for those who will accept you instead of hiding from those who reject you. While some ends of friendships or situations still leave me without any closure, I have learned to find solace in the lessons they impart.
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And it's not really that important to have that closure. We think it is. We build it up in our heads that somehow we can't go on in our lives without knowing why. Sometimes, most of the time actually, I don't think the why really matters. Maybe it's time to look at it as a door closing so that other doors of opportunities and experiences and love and worthwhile friendships can filter through, if we take a little time to look at those moments where we feel. If we take a little time to look at those moments, we fear or feel rejected. Some of the reasons seem actually quite obvious.
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So rejection often arises from social situations, right, such as not being included in a social event or feeling left out by friends or experiencing a romantic rejection. We can also perceive that if you're not meeting other people's expectations. We can also perceive that if you're not meeting other people's expectations, you can end up feeling inadequate, which can lead to feelings of rejection. This is a big one, because social media and influencers and all of that stuff is such a huge part of our daily lives now. So there's this constant comparing yourself to others, especially on social media, which can lead to you feeling inadequate and getting feeling inadequate that you don't measure up to other people's successes and appearances, and all of that can lead to a sense of you're not good enough, you're going to be rejected or you're worthy of being rejected. This is my biggest culprit in my rejection journey is that harsh inner critic which fuels the feelings of rejection. So when you're overly self-critical, like I've been, you may interpret every setback or every perceived slight as evidence of your unworthiness. It's rubbish, by the way and it's a hard one to kind of continually navigate through, and past experiences of rejection, especially in childhood, can create a pattern of sensitivity to perceived rejection in adulthood.
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So understanding the why can help us move from the pain we experience into being transformed In life. We often find ourselves playing the role of healer, providing solace and support to those in need. Now I've always embraced this role, naturally becoming a safe haven for others to find comfort and refuge and healing. These are friendships that I now see were seasonal, but at the time I didn't understand. But at the time I didn't understand the concept of seasonal friendships, but at the time I didn't understand the concept of seasonal friendships. And so when they ended, I felt immeasurable pain and a real sense of loss and rejection. And I think most of us don't go into a friendship, most of us don't go into our friendships wondering when it will come to an end or if it's seasonal. No, I think we anticipate, or at least hope, that these people will become someone we know and love and respect and value forever. But in seasonal relationships there comes a point when our purpose in someone's life is fulfilled and they no longer require our presence. It's been a bittersweet realization, as I've grappled with the feelings of rejection when these connections naturally drift apart. However, I've come to understand that sometimes, after witnessing someone's lowest moments and supporting them through some healing, they may wish to distance themselves from the reminders of their past struggles. This realization has led to the. This realization has helped me understand the end of several friendships.
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I had a friend who went through some trauma that I was able to support her through. Once the crisis was over, she decided to quit her job and move away for a fresh start. I completely understood that. I even helped her move, packing up her things, letting her stay with us for a few days before she left. She let me know when she had arrived at a new hometown and then I never heard from her again. In some ways and I'm being completely honest here it was a relief, because she is what my partner refers to as one of my emotional vampires, and I was exhausted. But there was a sadness about being ghosted, especially after all I had tried to do to keep her safe and secure in such a terrible time.
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I finally had the epiphany that I knew so much about her that it was, for her, probably really scary. I had seen the worst and she needed people now around her that didn't know that part of her and of her life. It wasn't something that I'd recognized straight away and I had done my usual I've done something wrong routine. Before I kind of just thought, well, sally. Before I kind of just thought, sally, stop being so self-absorbed, thinking this is about you in any way, shape or form. I hadn't done anything wrong. I had been a good friend, I helped her and that was all I could do. It was a season and the season was over and we gotta be okay with the seasons and we gotta be okay with the seasons moving on, because they are going to change, regardless of whether we want them to or not. To quote a line from the Crow it can't rain all the time. To quote a line from the Crow, it can't rain all the time.
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Conversely, some relationships have faltered because others perceive themselves as unable to meet the standards I personally uphold for myself, despite my efforts to foster a judgment-free environment. Some have felt inadequate in my presence, and I know this because I've actually had conversations with a few people years after the fact. Even my partner and I have often discussed this phenomenon with him, suggesting that my unwavering integrity may actually intimidate others. In fact, he once contemplated ending our relationship, fearing he could never match my standards. These revelations have been eye-opening, to say the least, because I've never intended for anyone to feel judged or unworthy in my presence. I mean, how many of us do? Yeah, maybe there are people out there getting the kick by creating misery for others. But I reckon if we were to dig a little deeper we'd soon see their behavior is trying to hide their own fears and insecurities. I think my own experiences with these emotions and these fears of being rejected have driven me to create a space of acceptance and understanding for others. That's not to say that I'm perfect and that I haven't done any sense of and that I haven't done any rejecting either. I'm sure there are people even now, still in my life, that maybe have felt rejected by me, and I might not even be aware.
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The fear of rejection is a deeply ingrained aspect of human psychology and it often manifests prominently in the context of friendships. Here's why it's often considered the number one fear of our friendship failings Social acceptance and belongingness. Humans have a fundamental need for social connection and acceptance. Friendship provides a sense of belonging and validation, and rejection threatens the sense of belongingness. Research has shown that social rejection activates the same brain regions associated with physical pain, highlighting its significance in our lives. Highlighting its significance in our lives, vulnerability and self-worth. Friendship involves vulnerability, opening up to others, sharing personal experiences and seeking emotional support. Rejection can be perceived as a direct attack on one's self-worth and identity. Direct attack on one's self-worth and identity leading to feelings of inadequacy, shame and unworthiness. People may fear rejection because they associate with personal failure or inadequacy.
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Fear of abandonment. Rejection often evokes fears of abandonment or being cast aside by other people. Now, this fear may stem from past experiences of abandonment or neglect, contributing to heightened sensitivity to rejection in interpersonal relationships. Individuals may fear losing the emotional connection and support provided by friendships, leading to anxiety and insecurity. Cultural and societal influences, societal norms and expectations surrounding friendships can exacerbate the fear of rejection. In cultures that prioritize social harmony and conformity, the fear of being ostracized or excluded from social groups can be particularly strong. People may conform to societal norms. People may conform to social norms and suppress their authentic selves to avoid rejection, leading to a sense of disconnection and dissatisfaction.
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Impact on mental health. The fear of rejection is not only a psychological phenomenon, but also has significant implications for mental health and well-being. Research has linked the fear of rejection to increased levels of anxiety, depression and loneliness. Chronic fear of rejection can undermine self-confidence, impair social functioning and contribute to a cycle of avoidance and withdrawal from social interactions and, in the worst-case scenario possible, may result in people taking their own lives.
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The impact of rejection extends far beyond the initial emotional pain. It can have profound effects on our mental and physical health, and repeated experiences of rejection can lead to feelings of depression and anxiety and low self-esteem. It can also trigger unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse or self-destructive behaviours. Rejection can impact our relationships and our social interactions. It may cause us to withdraw from others, fearing further rejection or judgment. It could make us become much more needy, which in turn, causes people to turn away from us, heightening that, increasing the chances of feeling rejected again. And this isolation can deepen feelings of loneliness and exacerbate existing mental health issues.
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On a physiological level, rejection triggers the release of stress hormones such as cortisol, which can negatively impact our immune system, our cardiovascular health, our sleep, our diet and our overall well-being our sleep, our diet and our overall well-being. Chronic stress resulting from repeated experiences of rejection can increase the risk of developing chronic diseases such as heart disease, diabetes and autoimmune disorders. We've been talking about the impact of cortisol in various aspects of our lives with our Cortisol our cortisol unveiled monthly episodes dedicated specifically to this hormone. If you're interested in how your life might be being shaped by cortisol levels and how it might impact your cognition, your weight, sleep and heart health, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out. These episodes have been dropping on the first Tuesday of the month and we've been running them over a six-month period. I've included the links to the series in the show notes.
Speaker 1:
Now that we've talked about the impact of rejection and I've shared a little bit of my own experiences and how I've managed to reduce my default I suck mindset when it happens I want to share with you some practical ways you can mentally combat rejection. These are all things that we've talked about in other episodes, so if you are a regular listener, this is nothing new, but it still serves as a good reminder to put it into practice. If you haven't already done so, remember you are in control of your life and you can change it, and while we cannot always control the circumstances we find ourselves in, we always have control in how we respond to and react to what life might throw our way. We don't need to be a victim or blame others. We can empower ourselves and change our life. Here are five steps to help you do just that Now. Just start with one if you need to. There's no expectation to try to dive in and do all five at once.
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Give yourself some grace to go at the pace that will work for you to make real, lifelong and sustainable changes. Number one cultivate self going to sneeze. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in the moments where you're feeling rejected. Recognize that experiencing rejection doesn't diminish your worth as a person. It happens to all of us and it doesn't mean that you are anything less. You are perfect just like, just as you are. Number two challenge negative thoughts. Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself that may arise in response to rejection. Reframe them with more balanced and realistic perspectives. Remember, rejection is often subjective and doesn't define your value or your potential.
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Number three build resilience. Number three build resilience. Cultivate resilience by viewing rejection as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a reflection of your inadequacies. Focus on your strengths and your accomplishments and use rejection as motivation to persevere and strive for success. Motivation to persevere and strive for success.
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Number four seek support. Reach out to supportive friends, family members or a therapist who can offer empathy, encouragement and perspective. Talking about your feelings and your experiences with other people can provide validation and support during these challenging times. Just remember that whoever you're reaching out to, be be sure that they are going to be a support system to you and not someone that's just going to make you feel even worse. Don't reach. Reach out to those people Okay, you can have them in your life, but just don't make them the people that you turn to, because they're not probably going to be all that helpful. And number five practice mindfulness. Engage in mindfulness practices, such as meditation, deep breathing or yoga to cultivate awareness and acceptance of your thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness can help you stay grounded and resilient in the face of rejection.
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Next week is we're happening. Next week, our episode is going to be on meditations. I'm going to take you through several of them, and that's because it's World Meditation Day, may 21st, so that would probably be a really good add-on episode for you to listen to. It's because we're going to offer a whole variety of meditations for you, whether they're personal, whether they're just about to connect you to your senses, or whether it's a practice that you can incorporate, sending out love and goodwill to all men and goodwill to all people.
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Rejection is an inevitable part of our life, as I've said, but it doesn't have to define us. By understanding why rejection impacts us, how it affects our lives and our health, and in implementing strategies for overcoming it, we can cultivate resilience and thrive in the face of adversity. Remember, rejection is not a reflection of our worth or potential. It's simply a stepping stone on the path to growth and self-discovery. Let's embrace resilience and overcome rejection together. So join the conversation. How do you overcome rejection and cultivate resilience in your life? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments over on the Reverse Reset Restore Facebook page. As we close out this episode, I leave you with this beautiful quote from Steve Maraboli, author of Unapologetically you Reflections on Life and the Human Experience. It's actually a good little mantra to remind yourself that sometimes we can be so focused on one door closing we don't see the blessings of the others opening. He writes every time I thought I was being rejected from something good. I was actually being redirected to something better.
