Reverse, Reset, Restore
This is for all of us who have been wounded by our own (and others) judgements and expectations, who have listened to those inner voices and believed the lies we've sold ourselves and for those who truly want to love and honour who you were always meant to be. If you've struggled with self-acceptance, poor body image and a belief system that is no longer serving you (if it ever did!), then this podcast is your reminder that you're not alone and you can choose to make changes - from your health and wellbeing, to your thoughts and the way you move in the world.
Reverse, Reset, Restore
The Transformative Power of Self-Compassion -You CAN Learn to Love Yourself
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Have you ever felt that nagging voice of self-criticism, thinking it would keep you humble, only to find it dragging you down? Join us on a heartfelt journey as we celebrate the 100th episode of Reverse Reset Restore by exploring the profound impact of self-compassion. Reflecting on my own path from burnout and perfectionism to embracing self-kindness, we break down Kristin Neff’s essential components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Through personal anecdotes, I share how recognizing our shared humanity and practicing mindfulness can transform the way we treat ourselves, fostering true healing and growth.
We discuss how self-approval can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression while building emotional resilience. We delve into the importance of nurturing a supportive community that encourages self-compassion, creating a safe space for personal growth. By treating ourselves with the same kindness we offer others, we can release resentment, heal from past trauma, and cultivate empathy in our relationships. Tune in to learn how embracing self-compassion can elevate your well-being and enrich your connections with those around you.
Self-compassion opens the doorway to healing. And, to quote the
L'Oréal commercial, "You're worth it!" Here's this weeks final quote, from Dr. Chris Germer, a clinical psychologist and co-creator of the Mindful Self Compassion program.
“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.”
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Exploring Self-Compassion for Wellbeing
Speaker 1Welcome back to another episode of Reverse Reset Restore. I'm your host, sally, and today we're diving into the powerful practice of self-compassion. This is a topic that's close to my heart, especially during World Wellbeing Week, as we reflect on our habits and make positive changes to enhance our overall health. Let's get started. Change comes from within. I am so excited for this episode because it is our 100th episode. Just over a year ago, I launched Reverse Reset Restore, not knowing where we might go. I knew that I wanted to share my heart with you, that I wanted to be personally challenged and changed and rearranged, and I hoped that perhaps there were other people out there who would want to come along for a shared journey, people who, like me, didn't have it all figured out but were willing to do the work, to fall deeply, madly, irrevocably in love with themselves. Right as they are, I was coming out of a burnout, a recovering chronic people pleaser and perfectionist who was struggling with my body and fear of never being enough. Some of our topics haven't always been easy for me to talk about. I've struggled with imposter syndrome and my deeply rooted fear of rejection. I have to be honest and say, at times it's been disheartening to see so few of my friends support this podcast, which, of course, is like my baby, and I've had to constantly work through and let go of my expectations. Looking back over the past year and all of these episodes, I feel so grateful for what I have felt called to talk about and who I have become.
Speaker 1In the past 99 episodes we have looked at different ways our bodies work. I ran a 31 days of self-care program from Mental Health Awareness Month and a 25 days of affirmations in the lead up to Christmas, health Awareness Month and the 25 Days of Affirmations in the lead up to Christmas. I've done book reviews as part of my Foundation Friday monthly episodes, sharing the books that have been foundational in my change journey. We've looked at our self-sabotaging behaviors, run a series on the various ways cortisol impacts the body and delved into the Shakespearean monologue All the World's a Stage. We've talked about loneliness and self-hatred and our thinking patterns and belief systems, and even vermicious knids.
Speaker 1Today we are dropping episodes 100 and 101. 101 is day two of a seven-day program for World Well-Being Week and it beautifully complements this 100th episode where we're talking about self-compassion. Episode 101 is about self-care rituals. This is by happenstance. I didn't plan it that way consciously. But isn't that the beauty of our minds, when they work so magically like that? I love that. My unconscious mind, my intuition, already figured out that these two episodes work so well together before I was even consciously aware.
Speaker 1If this is your first time listening to the Reverse Reset Restore podcast, I love that you are here and I hope that hearing about some of our past episodes may have sparked your interest in exploring Reverse Reset Restore a little more. For my returning listeners, I don't think I can ever express my joy and my gratitude for your support, my gratitude for your support, and I hope that you continue to be challenged to change, with me as a loving friend cheering you on. Okay, enough of the gush, let's get into today's topic. Today I want to talk about a subject that I have not been practicing for all that long Self-compassion. I don't know whether it comes from being the oldest grandchild or that I am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. I don't know if it's something in my very nature or perhaps because being raised in a church where giving to others was a sacrifice we willingly made. But I have had a hard time showing myself love, grace and empathy where I have so easily shown it to others. I've spent years in the sick carousel cycle of self-hatred that there was no room for self-compassion. My chronic body pains became a vehicle for me to hate myself. My negative self-talk gave way to ideas to even in my life, because I would convince myself that I never truly mattered to anyone. And when you are in that headspace and belief system it's not only lonely but very damaging. I've done a lot of work over the past several years dismantling the self-destruct buttons I'd built for myself, and it's taken a long time to realize that my healing would only come from my self-acceptance and learning to love myself completely as I am physically, mentally and emotionally. Self-compassion is a big part of this learning curve, so let's get a better understanding of what self-compassion is.
Speaker 1Self-compassion, as defined by Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in the field, is composed of three main elements self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Self-kindness involves being warm and understanding toward oneself in times of suffering or failure, rather than harshly self-criticizing. Common humanity recognizes that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, fostering a sense of connection rather than isolation. And mindfulness involves holding one's experiences in balanced awareness, neither ignoring nor exaggerating them. Together, these elements form a compassionate response to one's own pain and challenges. As Kristin Neff says, I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren't more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they'll become self-indulgent.
Speaker 1They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be. I got goosebumps the first time I read that quote. I think I am one of those people that got self-compassion confused with self-indulgence or, in my own words, selfishness. Selfishness has always been a word with negative connotations. For me it's meant self-centered and self-focused to the detriment of others. And looking back, I see where I believed being self-critical was keeping me humble, when in actuality it was keeping me in an unhealthy, unsustainable and toxic relationship with myself.
Speaker 1Let's talk about how we can overcome these barriers, but first we need to recognize them. If you're like me, you might have unwittingly created obstacles to practicing self-compassion. Some common obstacles include self-criticism, perfectionism and feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy. These barriers can prevent individuals from fully embracing self-compassion and may require conscious effort and practice to overcome. The wonderful Thich Nhat Hanh says it's like a mother when the baby is crying, she picks up the baby and she holds the baby tenderly in her arms. Your pain, your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself to recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering and you get a relief. I want to read that again. I think we need to hear that again and let it really sink in. It's like a mother when the baby is crying, she picks up the baby and she holds the baby tenderly in her arms. Your pain, your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself to recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering and you get a relief.
Speaker 1How many of us don't treat ourselves with kindness and compassion? How many times have you withheld self-compassion because of this weird expectation or belief system that we've developed that told us we deserve the pain we experience simply because life? The Princess Bride is one of my favorite movies and book and there is a scene where Wesley, as the dread pirate Roberts, says to Buttercup Life is pain Highness. Anyone who sees differently is selling something. And while he's got a great value point, it's true, life can have very many painful moments that impact us. We certainly don't have to hold that as the only truth or accept it as the way to exist and do and be in our lives and, at the very least, knowing that life is pain, why do we choose to add to it by not showing up for ourselves with self-appreciation and kindness? And why do we mock people who practice self-love or remain open and authentic to expressing their emotions? Why do we think stating things like harden up or get over it, or even the colloquial Shelby right, is more appropriate than allowing someone to be vulnerable and brave and then teach them how self-compassion is a badass superhero strength? We need to start holding our babies a lot more and giving them that love and that protection.
Speaker 1Research has shown that self-compassion is associated with numerous psychological benefits, including increased resilience, improved emotional well-being and greater satisfaction with life. Studies have also found that self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety, depression and stress. For example, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that self-compassion was positively correlated with psychological well-being and negatively correlated with symptoms well-being and negatively correlated with symptoms of depression and anxiety. I just want to touch on the point that self-compassion and self-esteem are two different things, and I think this is really worthwhile noting. While self-esteem involves evaluating oneself positively based on accomplishments or social comparison. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, regardless of success or failure. Unlike self-esteem, which can fluctuate depending on external validation, self-compassion is a more stable and unconditional source of self-worth. It's generated for you by you.
Speaker 1But self-compassion is not an easy thing to always achieve, and often we've got ourselves caught up in listening to the voices in our head. Do you know who those voices in your head belong to? Would it be helpful to be able to recognize your inner critic and quiet its voice? Jack Kornfeld says if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. We are incomplete. We may show all the compassion and empathy in the world to everyone else, but none of it really means anything if we can't show up for ourselves in the same way.
Speaker 1We all have that voice in our head that likes to berate us. Call it the madwoman in the attic, or the voice of the scathing judge, or the more common name of inner critic. It's the voice of self-judgment and self-criticism that often arises in response to perceived shortcomings or failures. To challenge this inner critic who is not you, by the way we first need to start by becoming aware of the negative self-talk and self-critical thoughts that arise in our minds. Then we can practice responding to these thoughts with self-compassion and understanding. So, as an example, if your inner critic says you're not good enough, respond with a self-compassionate statement like it's okay to make mistakes. I'm doing the best I can. By reframing negative self-talk with self-compassionate responses, you can begin to quiet the inner critic and cultivate a more compassionate inner dialogue.
Speaker 1Let's take a look at some strategies for overcoming resistance to being self-compassionate and cultivating a self-compassionate mindset. To overcome barriers to self-compassion, it can be helpful to challenge your negative beliefs and your self-talk, practicing self-compassionate behaviors and responses. Seek support from others who practice self-compassion too, who can provide encouragement and validation along the journey. Here are some strategies I think you might find useful. Here are some strategies I think you might find useful.
Speaker 1Number one keep a self-compassion journal. Journaling is a powerful tool for increasing self-awareness and promoting self-reflection, and I know I've talked about journaling in multiple episodes by now. And guess what? I'm going to keep doing it, because I think it's a fantastic technique. Setting aside time every day to reflect on moments where you have shown kindness and compassion towards yourself, or maybe those moments where you haven't, allows you to recognize when you're getting it right by being compassionate, and when you're allowing yourself to trip up a little bit and those habits of being mean and cruel and nasty about yourself. Write down specific instances where you have treated yourself with understanding and care, no matter how small. I encourage you, if you're going to do a self-compassion journal, to really try to focus on the good moments of catching yourself doing the self compassion, rather than focus on all the times that you don't.
Speaker 1Our brains have this amazing capacity to hone in on what is called the negativity bias. We're always constantly looking for things to go wrong, and that's a part of our makeup to protect ourselves. What I'm encouraging you to do here is focus on when things go right or focus on those moments where things haven't gone well but you've chosen to speak to yourself with love and grace and compassion. The second technique I think you should try is affirmations. If you're a regular listener, you'll be like yeah, sally, we get it. You, we know you like your affirmations.
Speaker 1Creating personalized affirmations for self-compassion can be something that can be really helpful when you're trying to deprogram your default mindset that is focused on when you've stuffed up or got things wrong or you felt like you failed. Affirmations are positive statements that can help reinforce self-compassionate beliefs and attitudes by creating them to be personalized to you. They'll resonate with you, they'll make sense to you, they'll make you feel something, they'll activate your mind, your body, your emotions all together and that's a very powerful healing source that you can use. Affirmations really do allow you to cultivate a more compassionate and supportive inner dialogue. You'll be surprised if you do affirmations consistently for the next 30 days and monitor the way that you currently think to where you'll be in a month. You will be amazed at just how different you're thinking when you start using affirmations. They are a really powerful resource.
Speaker 1Number three is a strategy for you is incorporating self-compassionate activities into daily routines, and this is kind of where our next episode is going to talk about self-care rituals. So self-care practices are essential for nurturing physical, emotional and mental well-being. Incorporating self-compassionate activities such as mindfulness, relaxation and self-expression into your daily routine is going to build you up, give you resilience, give you a sense of purpose and freedom and belonging in ways that maybe you have not experienced in a long time, or perhaps even ever. Finding things that resonate with you, that make you feel good and connected and safe and valued and seen for yourself are ways that you'll build a strong foundation of empathy and love towards yourself. And number four is practicing self compassion in the form of a meditation. I've taken you through this loving kindness meditation, also known as Metta meditation previously, and I'll include the link to the Reverse Reset Restore YouTube channel video so you can begin to use it as an instrument of change in your life. It is a powerful practice for cultivating self-compassion and compassion towards others. It's really a wonderful way to remind yourself that practicing kindness is something that if we all generated, man, we would change the world. So repeating phrases of loving kindness directed towards yourself and others and these phrases are really simple but powerful May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be safe, may I live with ease.
Speaker 1The role of self-compassion and mental well-being and resilience cannot be overstated. The incomparable Louise Hay said Remember you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. Research has shown that self-compassion acts as a buffer against stress and adversity, helping individuals cope more effectively with life's challenges. By treating oneself with kindness and understanding, we can develop greater emotional resilience and bounce back more quickly from setbacks and failures. Numerous studies have also shown that self-compassion is associated with lower levels of anxiety, depression and psychological distress. When we cultivate self-compassion, we reduce our negative emotions and improve our overall mental health and well-being. Self-compassion is not only beneficial for ourselves, but it also helps us to foster healthy relationships with other people. When we practice self-compassion, we cultivate greater empathy and understanding and compassion towards other people too, leading to more fulfilling and harmonious relationships.
Speaker 1I think a great example of this is when we've got parents perhaps that maybe have been toxic, painful experiences. To offer them compassion seems an impossible task, and you might be quite resistant to me saying this, even because you'll feel like you're justified in your resentment because of the pain and the torture and the toxic nature of your relationships in your childhood. Essentially, I want you to just consider for a moment. One of my biggest expressions I use a lot is hurt. People hurt people, and sometimes people operate out of their wounds and their hurts and their their own trauma or their generational trauma, and they don't even understand it or see it. But when we're on an awareness journey and we are opening ourselves to understanding who we are authentically and we practice self-compassion, often what happens is that you have to drop the resentment because it's a glaringly obvious thing to recognize. Oh, maybe that person or that situation, they it was terrible, but they were acting out of a place of pain, out of hurt, because hurt people hurt people. And if I can offer myself some love and self-compassion, then perhaps I can say I don't understand and I don't accept, but maybe I can just give them a little love and compassion and recognize that hurt people hurt people and that hurt can stop with me and it stops with me when I release my resentment and the pain that I've experienced at the hands of other people. And this is not to negate your very real pain and trauma, my love. I'm just asking that maybe you consider, is the resentment that you might be holding on to really worth it? Because what you're doing, you're holding on to that pain and we want you to hold it. We want you to hold that pain like it's your baby, so that you can bring that baby some peace and comfort and then release it, so that you can be released and be free. So how else can we cultivate some self-compassion? This again comes back to connecting to other people by building a supportive community of friends and family and peers who value and practice self-compassion for themselves and encourage it in others. This provides us with obviously encouragement, but also validation and accountability in our journey towards greater self-compassion.
Journey of Self-Compassion and Growth
Speaker 1Curtis Tyrone Jones says self-love will be the immunity from every infectious community that makes you sick of being who you are. By surrounding yourself with individuals who share similar values and goals, you can create a safe and nurturing environment for personal growth and self-discovery. You'll create a space where you will become immune to the infectious community that makes you sick, that tells you that you're not enough, that suggests that unless you are a perfectionist, unless you stop, drop and roll every time your boss barks orders at you that you are less than that is the sickness, that is the infectious disease within our modern community. Self-love is the antidote to that, because self-love says I'm worth it, I'm enough, just as I am Right here Right now.
Speaker 1By understanding the components of self-compassion and cultivating self-compassionate practices, recognizing its role in enhancing our emotional resilience, we can embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth that will take us beyond even our wildest imaginations. Remember, self-compassion is not about perfection. It's about recognizing our shared humanity and treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer a friend. As always, we close out our episode with a quote. This quote comes from Christopher Gumer Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others. You.