It's not the news you want to hear!

Ever thought about what it's like facing your own mortality while dealing with the loss of a loved one? 

In this emotional episode, I share my personal journey as a Widow battling an incurable cancer. Join me as I navigate the ups and downs of grief, denial, and acceptance, shedding light on how tough it is to share this heartbreaking diagnosis with family and friends. 

This episode is a testament to my friendships and a reminder of the delicate beauty of life and the strength we have to find hope in tough times. This is a heartfelt dive into my emotional rollercoaster of life.  I hope you continue on this journey with me.

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Two things . I never thought I would hear this early in my lifetime . Your husband is dead and you have a cancer with no cure . As hard as it is to hear bad news , hitting bad news , just as hard . But how do you cope when the bad news is about you ? It's not like I hadn't told people before that I had cancer , but really it was five years ago and I think the no cure part sort of was forgotten . It's not like I was dying right then anyway . But now it's different . Even though I'm not dying right this minute , my life expectancy per some statistics is about three years . But really I think the odds are in my favor . This is very difficult news to share , but I've also really been struggling with it myself .

Speaker 1 1:02

When Tom died , I had an issue with the denial stage of grief . I just couldn't grasp the concept of denial . Of course I would say the generic . I can't believe he's gone , like everyone else . But I was not under any sort of delusion that Tom was still alive . I completely accepted the fact that he was dead and never coming back . And of course I tried to move along through the stages of grief , like it was just so matter of fact Denial check , anger check , bargaining check . Depression check check , acceptance check , finding meaning , currently double-checking , because I feel like this is a setback .

Speaker 1 1:52

It was very overwhelming for me to figure out who to tell and in what order . I literally had to make a freaking list . It was getting really difficult to tell people one at a time . Then I thought it would be best to tell people in groups . Then I decided I would just ask the people that I've already told to sort of spread the word . It's not like it was a secret that I have cancer , but there was definitely some people that I wanted to know before it was all over social media . Then I really just got tired of telling people and made the announcement anyway . So I'm sorry if you had to find out that way .

Speaker 1 2:37

Dana was with me the day that I found out the cancer had metastasized , just as she was on the very first day of the diagnosis five years ago . I don't remember much on the car ride home , but I know Dana was just as devastated as me . Dana had all the right encouraging things to say , holding in every ounce of emotion I know , just to protect me . I was just hoping her husband , matt , was home when she got there . I know what it's like to hold it together in order to support someone else . Dana may never truly know how much I love her and appreciate her being on this journey with me . She's been my rock so many times and I just don't want the weight of me and my treatment to drown her .

Speaker 1 3:25

Nicole had sent me a text while we were still at the cancer center . I don't remember telling her that I was going for my scans , but I know she keeps them on her calendar . She sent me a text and I had already ignored her for like an hour and if I didn't reply she would keep texting , and I didn't want her to think that no news was bad news . So instead of making her wait , I replied it's not good Waiting for approval for another scan tomorrow . Please don't call . Don't want to cry . And for the last five years there's always been a mass text to everyone Scans clear , until this day .

Speaker 1 4:11

A few hours later , I met Angie's front door about to break her heart with the news that we've joked about for years . Because dark sense of humor is how we cope , I deliberately ignored her texts in the car ride home . This had to be done face to face . I don't know who started crying first . I could see every ounce of pain that I felt in Angie's eyes . She's a natural impact in her eyes are like mirrors . When you look into them you know she feels exactly what you feel , and she's the one person that I can never hide my true feelings from . I know Angie would absorb every ounce of pain if she could . She has a gift and it's one of the things that I love and admire about her To know Angie is to love her .

Speaker 1 5:09

I could stay there crying in Angie's arms all night , but I needed to go home and luckily she's right next door if I needed anything , and thank God my mom wasn't home . It's not a conversation that I was wanting to have that night . It would have been way too much for me to bear . Telling my mom that her only other living child is dying wasn't that high on my priority list . I called Shannon next . Something about Shannon's voice calms me . It felt good . I mean , I was crying , but it was different . I felt like I could get the words out easier with her . I like how Shannon leads a conversation and just asks me questions , so I didn't have to think of what to say or how to say it . It definitely hasn't felt this easy so far . Shannon is like me and she can be very matter of fact sometimes , and it's exactly what I needed in that moment Someone to just bring me back to earth .

Speaker 1 6:18

Then I completely forgot about Nicole's text messages and stopped answering her . I checked the phone and , oh shit , she is booking a flight . I called her immediately . She answers the phone and says please don't say no , just let me be there for you . And as soon as I heard her voice , I couldn't say no , and we were both crying . I laid in the bed that night , unable to sleep , thinking about how I was going to tell my son Marquise , thinking of how I told him about this diagnosis just five years ago , and it was only six weeks after Tom died . We were both grieving so much and I knew the news was going to be difficult . Back then . He asked me what my options were and for me to do whatever was going to allow me to live , and that he couldn't lose another parent . The conversation did not go quite the same this time , but I'm definitely going to do everything I can to live Because , after all , I am not dead , just my husband .