Aligning Conscious Goals with Subconscious Desires: Overcoming Esteem Issues and Embracing Authenticity

Have you ever wondered how generational influences and emotional patterns shape life decisions? Join us in this captivating episode of "Is Your Way In Your Way?" where Cassandra Crawley-Mayo sits down with the extraordinary Denise Miceli, an intuitive life coach specializing in subconscious healing. Denise's journey from her rebellious teenage years to discovering the transformative power of meditation and yoga unfolds a compelling narrative of overcoming societal resistance and reconnecting with one's authentic self. Her story is an inspiring testament to the significance of aligning our conscious goals with subconscious desires for true fulfillment.

Discover the unseen power of the subconscious mind and its role in shaping our beliefs and behaviors. Denise shares profound insights on how repetitive negative thoughts turn into self-limiting beliefs and the importance of self-care, understanding personal values, and setting boundaries. Particularly for women over 40, the episode highlights strategies for overcoming esteem issues and making meaningful life changes by evaluating daily activities and the influences around us. Denise's expertise brings to light the critical role of personal empowerment and the benefits of embracing our inner strengths.

We also explore the transformative power of neuroplasticity and its impact on changing neural pathways through practices like meditation. Denise emphasizes real-time self-correction using practical strategies such as physical movement, breath work, and limiting exposure to negative triggers. Her personal anecdotes and actionable advice underscore the effectiveness of modern tools and the importance of building sustainable habits through small, consistent steps. Tune in for a rich discussion on empowering self-value, crafting positive affirmations, and navigating the complexities of midlife with authenticity and joy.

Get ready to break free from obstacles and live life on your terms!

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Transcript

Cassandra: 0:41

Good day, everybody out there. To all my listeners, I'd like to welcome you to Is your Way In your Way podcast, and I'm your host, cassandra Crawley-Mayo, and for my new listeners out there, let me share with you what this podcast is all about. It's about those individuals who are ready to move forward in their lives, ready to just do something different. Ready, like the fire in your belly that you know there's something else that you should be doing and you're just stuck. You can't seem to get out of your way in doing that. Does that sound familiar? Well, it was definitely a familiar item for me.

Cassandra: 1:19

So what this podcast is also going to do is number one. We talk about topics that are related to your professional, your personal and business development, and it's also going to allow you an opportunity to do what I call some self-reflection. And so today, our topic is about using subconscious healing to neutralize the trance of unworthiness. Yeah, that's what I said, because many of us are stuck, because we don't feel worthy a lot of times. But let me tell you I have a perfect guest to come on that's going to talk to us about it, and let me introduce you. Her name is Denise Miceli. Hello, denise, how are you?

Denise: 2:01

I'm doing great. Cassandra, thanks for having me on.

Cassandra: 2:04

I'm excited yeah it's a pleasure to have you on and this is what I'm going to do for my new listeners. I usually read the bio because I want you to get a little background before we delve into that. Neutralize the trance of unworthiness, ok. So passionate coach Denise Maselli helps remove blocks to change through intuitive life coaching at Rock your Blocks, access immediate relief, feel empowered and make positive shifts for a more joyful life. She specializes in the subconscious healing. She guides clients to overcome emotional patterns and reconnect with their authentic selves. With degrees in mental health and leadership and certifications as a certified subconscious practitioner and intuitive life coach, denise brings a wealth of knowledge and expertise to her work. Are you ready to experience transformation with her empowering process inspired by her own profound personal journey of overcoming challenges and transcending emotional patterns? Wow, that's, that's a mouthful. So, denise, what was it like prior to your becoming what I would call the intuitive life coaching? What was life like, like your backstory, before you even got into this work? What was going on with Denise?

Denise: 3:34

Sure, you know, I had a life where I was breaking out of expectations and I was always kind of on that edge, you know, always questioning why you know, or I want to do this. And it was in an environment where it was often questioned like, oh, why would you want to do that, or why are you interested in that? So I didn't really want to go the way that was expected of me, and so from a very young age I felt a lot of resistance around me.

Cassandra: 4:08

And.

Denise: 4:08

I felt that I was being called to something more and I questioned everything. I swear. When I was a teen, I drove my mom nuts because she's like what with the questions you know we talk about? You know, like kids who are five or six, they're constantly questioning. Well, I was going through that a lot and so I created a lot of resistance because I didn't want to be what the limited expectations I felt were for me.

Denise: 4:38

And everyone's family had. You know, culturally and societally, depending on where you're from and your family background, you have different experiences of that, but many of us, whatever those experiences are, what it leaves you with is a sense of you have your own inner voice saying oh, be this, maverick, go outside of the box. And then you have, you hear these other voices and if that happens to you early enough, you begin to get confused because you want the love and the acceptance and the approval and at a young age you're not self-aware enough along to make sure everybody else is okay and right. That's what in most cultures the female is supposed to do, right, take care of everyone first and then yourself. And that is often what leads us to the burnout.

Denise: 5:42

So in my life I wanted to go to college early, I wanted to be something more than what the expectation was, and I got a lot of resistance. So I think I built that resiliency muscle because of that from a very young age, because I did stand out amongst my siblings in my family structure. So when you start off that way and then you search for answers, why am I feeling this restlessness? Why do I feel this confusion? I was not one to get sad, but I was feeling like gosh. You know my family needs me to be this way, to feel loved, but I am this way over here, and so I did start to look at meditation and yoga from my teen years because I was seeking a way to feel more in tune with who I was, and I, of course, now, looking back, I can make all these sort of.

Denise: 6:40

I can see these patterns throughout my life, but I was. Even though I didn't want to do what was expected of me, I ended up in certain areas of my life doing that. So, for example, I chose to go to college first one in of me. I ended up in certain areas of my life doing that. So, for example, I chose to go to college first one in my family, female, I think, as far as even males, and so it was very much frowned upon because we were supposed to be working hard and doing all these jobs and like everybody else did.

Denise: 7:08

But, then there was something that kept calling me in my twenties like you're supposed to get married, you're supposed to have a baby, you're supposed to, you know. And so I did follow that one. That one was so strong and now I know that it's generational and goes back many generations, so that one was harder to fight. And then, not long after that, I started realizing oh my, did I just do this because there was this nice person in front of me?

Denise: 7:32

And there wasn't like a love thing, you know, and sometimes that is a beautiful thing and it happens, but through that experience it was another decade of my life where I was able to look back and say, wow you know, and and and not give up on the fact that I did get married, but also realize there was something that was not aligned about it for me.

Cassandra: 7:55

Wow.

Denise: 7:56

That really helped me to build a muscle and see that I could. I built it in the sense of my career and in what I wanted to do there. But on this other side I knew there was more work to be done because I saw what happened when I went along.

Cassandra: 8:11

Yeah.

Denise: 8:11

And I have a beautiful daughter because of it, you know. But the marriage ultimately ended because there was just not a foundation there that was. It was really deeply rooted in what the expectations were of me and that needing that approval because I really didn't have it for what I did in my career, I was even more latched onto it in this, you know, familial way, and I did the whole ceremony and I had all the relatives there and you know you do these things and then later it, you know, and that's really why I believe subconscious is faster, it's deeper. During those 20s there I was already taking part in group and personal therapy because I could feel that there was something not aligned.

Denise: 9:03

And I could feel myself even behaving in ways that I saw my parents or grandparents behaving and I was like wait a minute, this is not who I am.

Cassandra: 9:13

Wow. So you did some really hard, tough work, and I mean this stuff. Yeah, life isn't isn't easy, and you made me think about, you know, working in a corporate environment to find myself as the first African-American female in every position that I had.

Cassandra: 9:36

And I realized when I was in a quiet, with men, I was because b i aquiet, because my being silent was like she doesn't know what's going on, and then I realized that it had a lot to do with my background. You don't talk, you let them talk, you just say yes, and I was like, okay, but once I identified and acknowledged what that was , I'm like it's time for me to get loose, you know, and you talk about that subconscious I'm going to talk the the he But that's what was going on. And you're right, I, wanted to be married, I wanted the white picket fence, I wanted the children, I wanted all of that. And where did that desire come from? It had lots to do with background childhood .

Cassandra: 10:49

My mother was very critical. So I'm a perfectionist. Everything has to be right. But as soon as I figured out why, where all Then, I had a little relief to stuff was coming from. Then share with the listeners. What is the? What's the? There's a subconscious script and there's a conscious script. So, what's the difference between the subconscious and the conscious script? What's the difference?

Denise: 11:23

Yeah, that's absolutely the place to start, because a lot of people hear subconscious and they're like you know, even though it's pretty popular, right, there's so many things out in the you know atmosphere about this, but a lot of times we again we associate it back to something right, and that's what subconscious healing is about. It's about how we associate certain feelings with the past, certain emotions with past memories, and we don't know that's going on. So the subconscious mind. I like to simplify it and say that the subconscious mind is like an iCloud of every memory and experience in your life and it particularly has an emotional sort of feel to it. So you might have a persistent emotion.

Denise: 12:10

For many women it could be sadness, right, which sadness could be repressed, anger.

Denise: 12:16

But some women, and so some women tend toward, you know, when anything isn't feeling right, they just immediately feel blue, you know, and that's just becomes a pattern and that can date back to seeing others that were important in your family always feeling that way.

Denise: 12:32

You know, maybe it was your mom, maybe it was your dad, whatever, but it became a response that you were familiar with. Then. The other side of it is, some women are more anxious, they want to control everything, and a lot of times we had that message be seen, not heard. We had the message from very sort of I want to say controlling, or just perfectionist perfectionist moms, I can't even say perfectionistic and so that created in us we've got to be perfect, because if we aren't doing it perfectly, we're not going to make them happy. And then we become that same saboteur and that anxious sort of person that is worrying that it won't come out right and maybe, like redoes their website 20 times before opening it up instead of just saying it's okay if it's not perfect, right? So we develop those saboteurs in the subconscious and the reason they feel so powerful is because they've got all those memories that they're associating themselves with.

Denise: 13:37

And the emotions are the most powerful thing that we have, and so those emotions become patterns, then they're repeated thoughts. If we're not repeating a memory which in doing this work, I'll tell you a story, if we have time, about how I actually saw an old picture of me and had a complete memory attached to it come up and so these kinds of things can happen and we realize that you know what. Everybody else was perfectly fine in that situation, but you attached a feeling like this was me in the picture. I was like why? Attached of feeling like this was me in the picture. I was like why? And I was like four and I was not being included in something and I felt very left out. I felt very different and everyone you know. I later talked with my mom about it and she told me what had happened with it, but it created a stronger sense in myself that I didn't belong in this group and I was somehow different and you know, and in not in a good way, so that you know that sticks with you.

Denise: 14:39

And so the subconscious holds all of that. And when we repeatedly think of these things, you know if you wake up with a lot of busy thoughts over the same ruminating thoughts. Yeah, what we think about over and over becomes our beliefs.

Cassandra: 14:53

Yes.

Denise: 14:54

And, whether we want to perpetuate that or not, they become those self limiting beliefs. So that's the subconscious super powerful, way more powerful. Most people associate it with the hypnosis and they think of it as a weak part of the mind. Actually, the reason hypnosis is so amazing and this is not hypnosis, it's more just talking to the subconscious mind and showing it how these things are linked. But the thing is is that when we try to change on the conscious side, we are talking to the side of the brain that has no, there's no linkage between the two parts, where the subconscious is telling the conscious, hey, I'm over here and I don't feel seen or heard, that's not happening. So without us doing the inner work to get in touch with those things sometimes people call it inner child. I like to look at it as they're parts of us.

Cassandra: 15:51

Right, okay.

Denise: 15:52

They were formed maybe when we were young and didn't feel seen or heard. People call it inner child. I like to look at it as they're parts of us, right, ok, they were formed maybe when we were young and didn't feel seen or heard. So here we are. We're decades later and we're saying I really want to leave this job, but everything around me is saying you've got security, you've got retirement, you've got you know, and so we hold on to those things which are really rooted in the subconscious and we're over here looking at other jobs.

Denise: 16:15

But, there's no alignment because our inner self doesn't want to do this work anymore. It doesn't matter what the numbers say, right?

Cassandra: 16:24

Yeah right.

Denise: 16:25

And so we may pay someone to help us with career coaching and all that stuff, but our heart is not aligned with it, because we are feeling like we have to do this and so that's where what I find I work with women a lot is they realize either the job or maybe they want to start their own business.

Denise: 16:46

They feel capable, but they're. They're facing those and so, consciously, we can do all of this work. But if we have active memories and inner critics, inner judge, all of this, there's a whole team of saboteurs right, including the perfectionist. And all of that out through working on this in a container where you work each week on just peeling away the layers and seeing what the most present things are and even helping women to look at what are their values, because a lot of times you check in later in life and you're like, wow, these are values for my family and I have different ones. What even the heck are they? And so that's part of what we do is look at like what is really important to you and when you enliven that at a stage in your life where you've developed so much power.

Denise: 17:40

it gives you the strength to take a risk. It gives you the courage to face those fears, because fears are really just false beliefs about ourselves and we don't want to spend our rest of our lives living under these false fears and beliefs.

Cassandra: 17:57

Exactly. And you know, while you were talking I thought about I read somewhere that we think 90,000 thoughts a day and 70% of that is negative. And when I heard that it's like in your subconscious you don't even know because you're not aligned, you're not thinking about that. You know, you just what I see conscious as just kind of rational, you know if you have see, the percentage of negativity that comes out of those thoughts a day is just unbelievable. It's overwhelming and just getting the knowledge and understanding what that's like. Now, when you talked about if it's not aligned, you know you're conscious versus how do you get it to be aligned? What do you have to do? And I know it's not an overnight sensation, because we want to do, we want stuff fast, but yet we know that we didn't get in the situation that we are in today overnight.

Denise: 19:04

Exactly, and so I think the first thing that I tend to look at with people is to ask them what do you do for your self-care? What is it that you know? Take a look at your time, take a look at the people around you. How much time do you have to care for yourself? We all need an inner work practice. We are living in a time of extreme change.

Denise: 19:32

We have seen so much in our lifetimes you know women 40 and above, and we've grown so much and we all have strengths but we often have, like you said, an equal or even greater amount of negative past memories, emotions and beliefs that are kind of sitting on this gold mine, right. So I think that really, what we need to do is first uncover what do we spend our time doing? Who are the five people? Right, we've all heard that saying you're the sum of the five people or the three people that you spend all of your time with. But I have people just say who are the people you talk to about your life on a regular basis, and are they a plus or minus? Do they add to the picture and encourage you or are they draining you?

Denise: 20:18

Because a lot of times, as women, we. The first thing that goes with us when we have any esteem issue, any issue that says I got to take care of everyone else first, is our boundaries. So that's part of what we work on in the course is where do we have them, where do we not have them? Sometimes it's with a boss where we don't have any. We just do everything, everything, everything, everything. I had a boss who I was literally at the right hand of, somebody that was managing like 55,000 people, and I found myself in meetings being given the note-taking position.

Denise: 20:53

Yeah, and I had so much to contribute. So I related very much to what you were saying. You know, it's just like we silence ourselves or put ourselves in a place where it's like. And then once they saw that, when I started to speak up and I asked, could other people take notes, they started to see that I had a lot of ideas, a lot of solutions to the issues we were dealing with. And you know, and so it's how are we spending the time and the energy doing an energetic audit on your life?

Denise: 21:24

And a lot of times what women find is they're in full blown, overwhelmm, burnout mode, because they have been. They see all the people on their list and they're all with minuses. They're all people that take more than they give and listen. We got to take responsibility. If we haven't told the people important to us what we need, that is on us. And yes, it is a fact that we have, you know, this society, the culture, all of it kind of conspiring against us. But that doesn't mean that once we have you know this society, the culture, all of it kind of conspiring against us, but that doesn't mean that once we have these realizations, we can't take a look and say you know what. I'm going to have to start drawing boundaries. I'm going to have to start to tell the people that I truly want in my life. This is what I need, and I don't like going out, and every time we go out we're drinking or whatever it is, you know, and I had these conversations myself with people and you don't know how they're going to react.

Denise: 22:15

And sometimes they fall away because they don't want to do healthier things, and that is okay. We are not for everyone, but we live in the fear of like oh, I don't want to upset the apple cart, I don't want to, you know and then what happens is we stay stuck.

Denise: 22:31

So it's what are you doing with your life? So that is the first piece that I kind of give that part away and I say, hey, work on this a little bit. I'm going to give you five activities and I want you to really take your time. Don't try to do the whole thing and be a perfectionist, but really think about people time. How are you feeling most of the time? Try to identify these things and then I start to work on what can you do to be more self-aware. It's quieting the mind Because, if you think about it, if 90% of what comes into our mind is from the subconscious, and they're all saboteurs.

Denise: 23:07

We're going to have a lot of hard times getting to what we want in life. So I say, find something that brings you joy Walking in nature, sitting quietly, listening to a sound bath, or you know, we have so many tools now because clearly the world needs calming, right, so, right. So we, you know, every week what I do with my group is I will bring a new practice in, bring a different breath, bring different tools to calm the nervous system and let people pick and choose. And I tell them that I've been doing this for decades and it changes. It doesn't have to be. You know, a lot of people have the image it's people sitting around, going, oh, and maybe that could be, but it's not the only way, right?

Cassandra: 23:52

We can do it quietly.

Denise: 23:54

We can do a tactile meditation where we feel the temperature of things. We can focus on our breath so many different ways to do it now. But what we're actually doing in neuroscience backs this up. We're changing our neural pathways, and that's why the subconscious is so much more powerful, because if you're consciously writing goals and trying to make them happen, you're actually going into those same neural pathways that kept you where you were.

Cassandra: 24:24

Right.

Denise: 24:25

And so without changing those neural pathways and this has been known for quite some time, that our brains are neuroplastic- In fact, with this subconscious healing, there's a resource that I share when you're on my mailing list, where I'll show you the brain scans before and after a session. There are parts of the brain that are different. Clearly understand exactly how and why no, but we know that when you have a session or you quiet your mind, your brain looks different before and after. So the neuroplastic.

Cassandra: 24:59

What is that neuroplastic?

Denise: 25:02

Neuroplasticity is a terminology that has come about because we have such sophisticated brain scanning. Right, remember when we only had x-rays? Yeah, now we can see changes before and after with the brain. And one of the best studies it's like a meta study on meditation. It talks about how, if you meditate every day and you're 50 and older people that have consistently meditated and they say it takes about three or four weeks of doing it every day to feel a shift.

Denise: 25:32

But some people can feel it right away. So it just depends how open you are to it, your belief level in it. But after four weeks plus, and you continue to do 10 or 15 minutes a day, your brain has as much gray matter as a 25 year old. Wow. So not only is it neuroplastic in that you can change how you feel, your emotions, your intensity of your reactions to life, but you also can preserve your memory and your brain to function longer into life than what was previously expected. So neuroplasticity and this is why it so fascinated me. When I first learned about this, I had already been doing coaching and I started to find real resistance in people.

Denise: 26:17

We'd have a wonderful one-on-one session and they'd be like, okay, I'm going to do this, and I always have my people. You know, we'd have a wonderful one-on-one session and they'd be like, okay, I'm going to do this, and I always have my people. That's why I love coaching. Is I say what are we going to do, what are you going to work on this week? And then I expect them to come back and talk about it. Oh, I didn't do anything. And more and more people Cassandra were coming back saying, Dee, you gave me such a great thing to do and I didn't touch it at all.

Cassandra: 26:40

I don't know what's wrong with me and they would be upset with themselves.

Denise: 26:43

But I'm like, don't beat yourself up, it's you know, the power of what you've got going on is strong. But and that's why I like to share the I'm a little bit of a geek for research, but I know that when I tell people this is your brain before meditation, this is your brain after, and they can see a picture of it that's different. There's power there. It's not just woo, woo stuff anymore.

Cassandra: 27:08

And I was going to ask you about that because, like you said, you have to be open to it and you know. And and then there's some of us that avoid it. We don't, we don't want to deal with that. We will say that's how fate, that's just how it is. But, like for me, I got to a point where I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know. So I didn't do the meditation and all the things that you're saying and I'm not saying that I would not have. I did yoga and all of that, but it was just something in me Like I pivoted, like I was just sick of it.

Cassandra: 27:42

You know, and like you said, you have to want the help and you have to take action. A lot of people in the beginning they're super excited, they're feeling real good and it's just like on New Year's, everybody going to do this and do that, and the reason they don't because they're not taking action. So, like, what you're saying is you still, you have to take this and do that, and the reason they don't because they're not taking action. So, like, what you're saying is you still, you have to take action and be consistent with it. Don't say, oh yeah, I know, but what you're saying is, life happens, the conscious is all this stuff going on that you, they didn't, they forgot, they sort of forgot, but then they beat themselves up.

Denise: 28:19

Exactly. And you know, one of the things that fits really well to where we are in the conversation is the idea of triggering. So I like to bring this up because this has been you know, this is new in the last five, 10 years. I would say it used to only be used clinically in psychology, which I studied in my bachelor's program. But what now is going on is the world is like one big raw nerve, right, everyone's nervous system is like, and you turn on the news, you look at your phone, it doesn't matter, but it's all coming at us and it's overwhelming.

Denise: 28:52

And anytime we're going through major shifts in the world, it increases the stress and pressure. Well, triggering now is on commercials, it's on movies, it's on everything, and we're changing the names of things and we're denying things that happened in the past. Well, I say we can take triggering as a sign. We can turn it on its head and say when we get triggered, it is a clear sign that we have inner work to do, that we have inner work to do, and I've seen this actually work in action. So let's say, you see a movie and there's some horrible thing in it.

Denise: 29:27

Right, I always have to really filter my movies because I don't like watching a lot of that at night. I want my mind to be calm. But anyway, stop the automatic thought, stop right there, pause whatever it is, stop reading the article, stop listening to the video and ask yourself what am I feeling? What is the emotion? Because part of why we get triggered is we have these reactions, and there's sometimes just a body reaction. Right, we can tense in the throat, we can tense our shoulders up. It's like it's so deep in us and we haven't listened to our mind on it. So now it's in the body and so that's why it's a physiological response and our vagus nerve that runs from our brain all the way through all of our major organs.

Denise: 30:13

I actually have a visual that I use in my course. It, literally, when we're stressed, it tightens around all those organs. So your throat, your heart, your digestion, everything becomes restricted. So can you stop in the moment, pause whatever's causing it, walk away from a situation, go into a restroom, whatever it is, and say what am I feeling? Because that's a root. That's like we're going to start pulling that root out. Right, I'm angry. Okay, is this? You know where is this anger? And second, where's it coming from?

Denise: 30:49

Now, you might not do this in the moment, but at least identify the emotion.

Denise: 30:53

And when you can get to a place where you have a little more time. It's a perfect thing for self journaling, self reflection. Yeah, what's the emotion? What is it tied to? Is it tied to a memory? Allow yourself a dare to, maybe you'll dream about it, and then can you just sit with that emotion and just accept it. A lot of times we people want to experience these of these new types of healing because they want an instant solution, they want everything to be wiped away and, as that is not what subconscious healing is, it is a way to get in touch with those parts of ourselves and to calm them.

Denise: 31:28

We even, in fact we'll say hey, younger part, I love you. Thank you for being so protective of me and making me stay quiet when I didn't feel safe.

Cassandra: 31:40

Yeah.

Denise: 31:41

But you know what younger part, I am an adult now, yes, and I am really powerful and I'm in charge and I don't need you to be driving the bus anymore. We love using metaphors, because the brain understands metaphors whatever resonates right. So we say you know what? Climb into the backseat, I got you Right, but you don't need to react like this anymore because you're not that scared child and you don't need protection from every situation that seems upsetting, so allow it, affirm it, speak with it.

Denise: 32:18

And now you allow that and you bring that in, you can begin to see that when things start that would have triggered you, like now I can honestly say there are things where I go, oh, that would have got me, and you know, and you can see the change in yourself. And it just takes that you know one thing at a time and just allowing and just accepting it and seeing it for what it truly is. But instead, a lot of times when people are triggered, they get angry, they lash out, they blame others, they want to change something in the physical world and they think that's going to calm their inner mind. So that is a tool I like to share, because triggering is a real thing, I'm sure. Yeah, that is a tool I like to share because triggering is a real thing, I'm sure you know.

Cassandra: 33:01

Yeah, that is good. I remember my younger days. I'm still young, but I say my younger days. I used to always, for some reason, I felt like a magnet, like if anybody had problems or troubles, they would. You know, I traveled a lot and I tell you, I used to think I was a therapist, you know, and I'm like, oh, why are they telling me this? And that's because probably they would never see me again. But yet it was a trigger, all their problems and everything that was going on. And I was like you know what I just don't want to hear that. You know, I get a book and read it, like you know, so I won't get that. That. You know I get a book and read it, like you know, so I won't get that. And I wasn't sure what was going on until you just kind of mentioned that trigger, because everything's negative. I'm going through this, I'm going through that. And that's why you say watch the people that are in your circle of influence. What are they doing, what are they attributing to you?

Denise: 33:56

Exactly, and one of the things I also do in my course is like a little family of origin work, and it's not about blame, it's not about any of that Our parents and grandparents and all of our generations before us, they did the best they could. But it's more about understanding what role did you take on in response to all of the community of roles in your immediate family? And that happened to me, cassandra, because I thought first of all I wanted to be a teacher. As long as I can remember, my sister and I used to fight over who was going to be the teacher, who was going to be the student, right while we played. But later, as I became more sort of in tune with myself, I started to really take on what was going on in my family dynamics and it was pretty, you know, it was pretty rocky. So I'd walk in and I had the instinct to take care of everyone before myself. So I became very much like a rescuer archetype.

Denise: 34:55

You know we talk about archetypes in this family of origin work and we start to realize that. That's why, like you, I did the same thing. I would find value with friends and people and dating situations by showing people how I could help them. And what did that do? That hid who I really was, and it made it seem like I didn't need anything from the interaction. Instead, I needed them to need something, and that is an energy that, once we activate, we are unconscious about it, but we start to see a pattern. Oh my, look at all of these people around me. They're all got a minus next to their name. Because they're all got a minus next to their name because they're all taking from me, but I've trained them to do that yeah, okay, all right yeah okay.

Denise: 35:45

So it probably was a pattern for you that you took on at a young age, whether it was because you were following the lead of like I'm gonna be seen and not heard because I want them to love me, right, and but at the same time it's also you start to when you're young, your intuition is so powerful, right, we haven't got all those years of beliefs, and so I didn't realize until later in life.

Denise: 36:07

I was probably intuitive back then, probably empathic, because I could walk in and feel the energy and be like I better go check on my mom, I better go check on my brother and sister before I do anything that I want to do. And there were days where I didn't get to what I wanted to do because people needed me to be with them and all of that. And and even though I eventually I did become a teacher and a leader and a guide, but eventually I realized that a lot of that had come from a negative place in me. So I went through a time where I thought, well, maybe I'm not supposed to do this work, but I do believe that once you start to learn, okay, I can do this and have boundaries, and I can have this, but not infuse that energy into my personal relationships and everywhere in my life. And then it becomes more enjoyable, because now you're giving to people and, like your whole purpose with this podcast is you're here and standing up for the women that are ready to take action and that's so.

Denise: 37:08

where you know that's my power spot now in doing this work is it's not. I'm not giving it freely to everyone, because everyone will show up and take it Right.

Cassandra: 37:18

But, we have to value ourselves will show up and take it right, but we have to value ourselves. Exactly, exactly, denise. Why is?

Denise: 37:31

and you talked about this earlier I am why is that statement so powerful? You know, it's so powerful because, if you think about all of the ways we've been triggered throughout our whole lives we tend to talk about I like to call this storyline work right, because we develop storylines about ourselves and, first of all, they often come from those important people our caregivers, our parents, our great grandparents and they tell us stories about ourselves, and so we take that on and we feel like, oh, I am kind of difficult, you know, or I am kind of withdrawn, or I am kind of and, and so the I am is like we're telling ourselves a story, and if that story is mixed up with those different roles and different saboteurs you know all of us and this is a new training that I'm doing now, where I'm learning all about the saboteurs and so I can give my clients a test to see who are my top saboteurs and who are the supporting roles that help the other ones knock the other ones off, course, with the rest of me.

Denise: 38:36

But we all have the inner judge. We all have that, and that came from somebody in our family, maybe more than one that were very controlling and everything had to be their way or the highway. Now, as much as that was a power statement back, you know, 30, 40 years ago and beyond, it really didn't do much for our self-esteem. Beyond, it really didn't do much for our self-esteem, you know so because we we dropped what we wanted, we dropped what we were feeling in the moment and we substituted whatever that behavior was, and so we can become. So that's how we get so disconnected from who we are, and I believe that this stage of our life, when we start to hit forties and up and things start to shift in our hormones, our relationships and, and you know, we can even have and this is one of the things I like to say, we can even have what appears to be everything we were supposed to have in life and then feel more dissatisfied than anything, and that's what's so confusing about it.

Denise: 39:36

But it's because of these subconscious parts, these saboteurs.

Denise: 39:39

They're so strong in us.

Denise: 39:41

Yes, they are, but the good news is that this is a way to get at them quickly to you know, each week, you know, doing the work together, you might face one of them repeatedly, or you might clear one in one session and then another one pops up, but they need to be seen and heard and recognized as real parts of you.

Denise: 40:06

And so that I am went all the way back to those very first stories we heard. So, by saying a new I am and also catching yourself when you go to repeat right, because many people who are feeling stuck will say these negative statements out loud oh, I can never do that, or you know, it can be just so negative. So I that's another step in the beginning is to slow your thinking down and slow your words down, because you're going to struggle at first to create a positive statement out of it. You know what could you say if you're feeling like I can never do this. I am doing the work to get in touch with my authentic self. There's always an alternative, and that is the work of becoming ready for this subconscious. Healing is correcting yourself in real time.

Denise: 41:03

Yeah, you know and so part of what I teach is like, when you see a negative thought pattern coming right, you've got about 16 seconds to change it. So can you get up from what you're doing? Can you shake it off? Can you run up and down the stairs, whatever you can do physically shake it off. Can you run up and down the stairs, whatever you can do physically, or take a breath or stop looking at whatever it is that's making you feel that way.

Denise: 41:30

But you know, and you're not always going to win, but it's a process of retraining those neural pathways and working with that power, and I think the biggest message I have for people is to really give yourself the you know the kudos for showing up and wanting something more, and learn that there are new tools now and we don't have to do these long. You know years of therapy. I've had so many people who have come to me that had serious trauma and they've done years of therapy and they're like I'm over it, I can't do it anymore, and I was one of those people. I kept finding another therapist and the last time I said you know, I really appreciate you but I'm going to stop because you know it's really not.

Denise: 42:11

It's making me feel sadder and it's making me feel more stuck, and so I think that sometimes it's good to have both, depending on what you've been through, but at the same time, if you're ready to really dig in and you're open to doing a little bit, you know, and people say, oh, but I'm overwhelmed, how could I do more? You know what show up for a session once a week and then give yourself start with five minutes. You know, start with five minutes in the morning and build your muscle and then you'll want that 10 minutes and then, before you know it, you're doing your 15 minutes. And you know, I set a timer because my mind will go, and sometimes it's okay If your mind goes to thinking it's going to do that. That's the default.

Cassandra: 42:57

Yeah, yeah.

Denise: 42:57

Don't beat yourself up. That's the default. Yeah, yeah, don't beat yourself up, we all go through it, even experienced meditators.

Cassandra: 43:06

So that's what I would say for the sustainability piece. But, for example, you know people are working with you. It's just like a therapist. I can't OK, I had enough of that already. So in in your sessions, do you? I know habits are very critical. You know you want to do this. Is it something that you do every day, seven days, 21 days? You know, because I'm sure you like you can't, you can't stay with me for life. Maybe they could always have you there, just in case they needed you. But any tidbits about sustaining that alignment.

Denise: 43:47

Yes, absolutely. So you know we do when we do this, this small group coaching together. That's the reason why we take the 12 weeks, because you're going to build those new pathways in that time and you're each week going to have some, you know, some reflection that you can do. And I tell people, if you're not a journaler I've had so many people tell me I'm not a journaler then get familiar with your voice recorder on your phone, do something to record what's coming up for you. And I like the morning and the evening for this because you don't have to do both.

Denise: 44:20

Certainly, if you have time, great, because people will go to sleep with so much anxiety that they don't actually get the restoration from the sleep that they have, and that's often the cause of a lot of intense dreams or waking in the middle of the night. But I prefer the morning and so I will do that first when I wake up, because you're in the state when you're tired at night and in the morning that's closer to your subconscious. So you already have a little leg up. So I tell people do it then and you will start to see those goals be realized. But I do have some clients who won't do any work outside of it, and I will tell you that the healing can still happen. But, as you said, they might have to keep coming back to me because they're going to get that healing during the time together, but they're not taking it to the next level. And so, for me, I had some things in my life that I felt like, with all the work, we're still not aligned.

Denise: 45:17

And so I started to do those on the go things. And so if I and I'll just use food as an example, right, because we all struggle with trying to eat healthier and so there were certain situations where you know somebody else you're with is like oh, let's get ice cream or oh, let's have a drink, and those are two things that don't make me feel good and it took me a longer time with those. But I will pause myself and I would say hey, you know, subconscious, and you can even give your subconscious a name. I even give my my judge name, a name as well, and I'll go hey, judge Judy, so I use her. But you can talk to them and just say hey, you know what, you know how you're going to feel after you have that ice cream because, lactose intolerance.

Denise: 46:02

For God's sake, you know what are you doing and, um, you know just, can you see that conflict in me? Can you soothe that down for me please? You know subconscious and take a few breaths. And you know what. If you still go ahead and do it, then clearly you really wanted it. But over time, if you start to have that self talk, you don't have to say it out loud. If you're alone, you can say it out loud, but you don't have to.

Denise: 46:26

But, slowing down and saying, hey, do you see that negative thought patterns coming at you real fast? Yeah, yeah, yeah, slow that down because I don't want to give into that fear.

Denise: 46:36

You know, whatever the case may be, and I'm at the point now where, honestly, like if I do that and I still want the food, I will feel like I checked in with myself. You know, and and there's been many a time where I've said no, thank you. I appreciate it, but I'm not going to partake of that. It just is building a muscle like anything. If we don't work our muscles in our body, we're going to have a lower metabolism, regardless of our age. It's a mental muscle and you know, if you're a woman who's ready for this work, then know that you can be empowered with this for the rest of your life. Are you going to fall out of alignment? Yes, but you're going to have the tools to pick yourself back up and to say something is off here. You know, I might need to check in and have a session, you know, with D every once in a while, but when you do that initial work, that's why I feel like it is so powerful.

Denise: 47:36

And one of my clients that just took the course with me. She had experience doing it once a month In the first year. We worked together and then I she decided to take the course and she said it's totally different Because you are connecting with the thoughts. You're processing it from week to week. And she did do the breath work, she did the meditation.

Denise: 47:57

She was a journaler and she said now I just don't feel as reactive to life as overreactive and I just oh, that just made me feel so good Because I know it's possible. Yes you got to be willing to say I don't want to be that over stressed out, burned out person anymore. But you can't give that power to anyone else. You have the power to take that back and to live a life that feels good.

Denise: 48:25

We are here to feel good and happy, so take that responsibility and you can have it, and you can have it for the rest of your time here.

Cassandra: 48:38

This is. I'm enjoying this conversation and unfortunately, we can't keep keep it going. I love to keep it going, but I was going to ask you the last question, but I think you've answered it, though, and this is something to say to the listeners the listeners who are stuck. There's things that they want to do. They are mulling over in their brains like I need to leave this job, I know this relationship, or I want to start a business, and they're stuck with their goals and their dreams. So tell them again how does one move or remove that stuck feeling that my listeners are having?

Denise: 49:22

Yeah, I mean, the first step is to find a practice that can help you quiet your mind, because the beauty of it is not only will you get in touch with your intuition and your heart right, your soul, what is calling you. Your answers will come right. So many times we ask a question like how could I be this stressed out? How did I get here? Well, the fact that you don't get an answer back is because you have all this external stuff piled on you, and when you start to remove that, just five minutes, just start with five minutes. Pick up any app. I'm on Insight Timer. I actually do audio meditations on there as well but pick it up. Type in what you're beat, a sound that is soothing to you.

Denise: 50:16

You know we have so many options now and just by doing that, you might find that like you got an answer to something.

Denise: 50:24

It can be that simple and quick because those binaural beats, or those people who are experienced at guiding you to a calmer place of its anxiety, those people who are experienced at guiding you to a calmer place of its anxiety, they're going to show you in a brief few minutes and you can even put I want a five-minute meditation and I want it to be sound or I want it to be talking.

Denise: 50:43

You can literally ask for whatever it is you want and whether it's on YouTube or one of the many apps now for mindfulness and dial into exactly what you're feeling and you will find relief. You will find there's some inner voice that will talk to you, there's some answers that will come and that, the more you do that and I can honestly say I've been on Insight Timer since it was actually a timer and now you can go on there and hear talks. They have lives on there, they have yoga, they have breath, they have just sound healing, and sound healing is one of my favorites right now because you don't have to try to engage with what someone's saying, right, because sometimes the inner judge is like oh, I don't like this.

Denise: 51:29

So, sound right. We have now knowledge that sound can soothe our brain, can soothe our emotions. Start simple.

Cassandra: 51:38

Now what's?

Denise: 51:39

the name of that tool. It's called Insight Timer, okay, and it's an app and it's a community for your meditation, but now it contains all of these. You know people who are uploading all the time on their healing tools. I think, in fact, one of my previous interviews is up on there as well, so you can search for me on there as well.

Denise: 52:07

but yeah, try that and and start to start to notice just from five minutes, and if you have 15, you can say 15 minutes and I want to hear violin. I mean, they literally have everything. And it feels so good to just allow yourself. It's like subconscious healing, is like listening to your favorite kind of music, sitting back and having it just wash over you. And so that's a beautiful way to start as well is start to feel more joy.

Cassandra: 52:41

Wow, thank you. Insight timer my listeners, wow. Well, we're going to wrap this podcast up. Listeners, I know you gleaned from all of this conversation. You can replay this. You know, if you missed something, continue to replay it if you need to, and if it was a value for you and you know somebody with this podcast would be a value please, please, please, share it. It would just be phenomenal. And, just so you'll know, I'm going to put this podcast on. It'll be like the 1st of June and then it'll be on every podcast, every podcast platform I'm at. So I want to thank you, denise, again. This was great. I learned so much. And one of the things, denise, I tell my listeners I never say goodbye. I always say bye for now and God bless you. Thank you so much. I always say bye for now and God bless you.

Denise: 53:36

Thank you so much. It was a pleasure, cassandra. Yes,