Recovery Check Ins Episode 12 with Lisa

In this episode of Recovery Check Ins, Lisa shares her story of sobriety and shares some helpful advice for people trying to quit drinking.

If you're looking for advice on how to quit drinking, then you need to listen to Lisa! In this episode, she shares some surprising advice that will help you succeed in your quit attempt. Listen in to find out what she said!

#how to stop drinking on your own #how to quit drinking on your own #recoverystory #whathappensifyouquitdrinkingalcohol #whathappensifIquitdrinkingalcohol #howdoIstopdrinking #detoxcenter

To watch go to https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN2HkhKyzBkNzgtrmH95HqQ or go to https://www.recoverycheckins.com for more info.

Transcript

00;01;09;00 - 00;01;20;11
Sam
And how are you doing, Lisa?

00;01;20;12 - 00;01;22;03
Lisa
I'm doing good. Are we going?

00;01;22;10 - 00;01;24;06
Sam
Yeah, we're going. Oh, we just jump right in.

00;01;24;07 - 00;01;25;04
Raymell
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

00;01;25;19 - 00;01;26;20
Lisa
I'm doing great.

00;01;26;24 - 00;01;27;09
Sam
Yeah.

00;01;27;19 - 00;01;28;01
Lisa
Yeah.

00;01;28;14 - 00;01;31;06
Sam
Um, how many days are you today? Ten.

00;01;32;09 - 00;01;33;02
Raymell
I forgot the day.

00;01;33;09 - 00;01;39;07
Lisa
I have the days on my phone, but I have 15 years. Four months?

00;01;39;11 - 00;01;40;03
Sam
Wow.

00;01;41;10 - 00;01;42;22
Lisa
15 years for months.

00;01;42;23 - 00;01;44;01
Sam
Never thought you would do that.

00;01;44;06 - 00;02;08;02
Lisa
I never. Not in a million years. Neither did my family. Neither did anybody that knew me. They figured I would die being a drunk bitch. Yeah. I always at the end. So I used to go to this one, like little bar. It wasn't like a club or anything. It was like, you know, the little.

00;02;08;02 - 00;02;08;26
Raymell
Little dive bar.

00;02;08;27 - 00;02;29;01
Lisa
Yeah. Yeah. And so they always have the one lady sitting in the corner of court with her frie and leopard print clothes. You and her red lipstick. That's not quite on her. Right. And you could always tell that she was a beauty at one time.

00;02;29;02 - 00;02;29;17
Raymell
Oh, yeah.

00;02;29;19 - 00;02;42;03
Lisa
But time hasn't been nice to her. And I kept thinking, God, I don't want to be that lady right? I don't want to be that lady. Just drinking my life away at the end of the bar, you know?

00;02;43;02 - 00;02;45;07
Sam
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;02;45;18 - 00;02;47;04
Raymell
I. I'm good way to look at it, you.

00;02;47;04 - 00;02;55;06
Sam
Know, because they can very easily be as a man, too. Same thing, you know, sitting there, those regulars that you would always see any time you went to a bar.

00;02;55;06 - 00;03;12;00
Lisa
Absolutely. Because I had the one that was like, right across from work. So as soon as I'd get off work, I'd walk over and it old school. And then Handford called the Crown room and there'd only the people that went there every day. Went there?

00;03;12;02 - 00;03;12;23
Raymell
Yeah. No, no.

00;03;13;12 - 00;03;21;02
Lisa
No. Yeah. Nobody else walked in the door and we didn't know who you were, you know, like we thought we were getting raided for something.

00;03;21;16 - 00;03;26;03
Raymell
Yeah. I'm sure that people walking in, you feel that you're like, Oh.

00;03;26;03 - 00;03;26;21
Lisa
I got to go.

00;03;27;04 - 00;03;27;17
Raymell
Yeah.

00;03;28;21 - 00;03;35;10
Sam
I know. Can you imagine finding that on a map now? Like on your on your phone and then saying, Oh, let's go check out this place.

00;03;35;11 - 00;03;37;27
Raymell
The closest bar.

00;03;37;27 - 00;03;38;06
Sam
Yeah.

00;03;38;08 - 00;03;40;22
Lisa
Walk in and be all uncomfortable.

00;03;40;23 - 00;03;44;07
Sam
Yeah, that's that's crazy. How many days you ever email?

00;03;44;21 - 00;03;56;28
Raymell
Um, you know, I'm floating around 153 Still, and I still in this brand new sobriety of mind, but, uh, chasing it, you know, getting every day down, feeling proud of myself every day. Yeah. Yeah.

00;03;57;06 - 00;04;06;12
Lisa
Every day's a personal best. That's how I like to look at it. Like, every day I wake up, I'm like, I'm in a personal best to be here.

00;04;07;03 - 00;04;14;27
Raymell
Got that right. Especially when you wake up certain days, you feel like there's going to be easy. And then there's those days where you wake up and you're like, Oh, this might be a challenge.

00;04;14;28 - 00;04;26;16
Lisa
Yeah, absolutely. And nobody ever promised everything was going to get, you know? Nobody ever said, Oh, you're going to stop drinking and everything's going to be wonderful, right?

00;04;26;23 - 00;04;27;04
Sam
Right.

00;04;27;21 - 00;04;29;07
Lisa
Because life still shows up.

00;04;29;18 - 00;04;54;25
Sam
Yeah, I had a little bit of that today. You know, I, I, I hit 300 today, and when I woke up, I was. I was actually excited. I was kind of giddy about it, you know? And, um, I, uh. But you realize that you quickly realize that, you know, because my wife, she knows how many days I have, but she's not, like, up to date on every day, you know?

00;04;54;25 - 00;05;05;03
Sam
So there's no parade, there's no, you know, um, anything going on with that? You know, it's just, hey, it's life. That's good. You know, fix the rest, you know?

00;05;06;03 - 00;05;16;15
Lisa
Absolutely. You know, my mom used to tell me when every time I'd want to celebrate, you know, milestones, she'd say, You want me to celebrate what you should have been doing all along?

00;05;16;15 - 00;05;23;15
Sam
And it sounds like my dad. My dad used to say that, you know, what? Do you happy for it? It's something you're supposed to do.

00;05;24;22 - 00;05;44;00
Raymell
When I complete a chore. Do something, a house. And I'll be like, Hey, look what I did. Oh, yeah. You took care of your responsibilities. Good. You know, good job. But do you think it would be wrong? Because I was thinking somebody in group one time was talking about their their year birthday, and, you know, it was just another normal day.

00;05;44;00 - 00;05;53;10
Raymell
And like you said, no parade, nothing happened. And I was thinking, well, would it be wrong if I threw myself a sober birthday party for my year and made it a big deal?

00;05;53;15 - 00;06;05;23
Lisa
No. So and a 12 step fellowship. You celebrate your anniversary. You celebrate your anniversary for a full seven days. So say August 20.

00;06;05;23 - 00;06;06;02
Sam
Really?

00;06;06;12 - 00;06;24;23
Lisa
August 20th is my sobriety date. And so August 20th, I celebrate August 21st, a meeting I go to celebrate. Right? And you get to celebrate for the full week. You take a cake, take a chip, take whatever you like.

00;06;25;01 - 00;06;30;12
Raymell
I can't wait for this year. I'm August 18th, so I have a good.

00;06;30;12 - 00;06;35;22
Lisa
Yes, Yes. And then right afterwards, as our friend. Yeah, Yeah. No.

00;06;36;07 - 00;07;08;10
Sam
That's cool. You know, it's it is exciting when you when you do hit them. I really appreciate it. You know, I, I remember when I first walked in to the to, to group and you were there and you told me know your days and I was like, well, um, you know, I, I, I felt like I had so many relapses and kept on, you know, never quitting that I didn't, you know, think it was that big of a deal and really didn't hit me until like about nine.

00;07;08;10 - 00;07;13;08
Sam
Um, but 90 days, 90 days was like, okay.

00;07;13;21 - 00;07;23;19
Lisa
Yeah, like, I get it something. And, you know, I like to tell y'all, you know, if you don't remember your sobriety date, maybe it's not going to stay here.

00;07;23;22 - 00;07;27;06
Sam
Sobriety is not that important to you.

00;07;27;07 - 00;07;55;03
Lisa
Yeah, and you need to know and remember those feelings. So like when you're coming up on anniversaries, so every time it, like, gets close to an anniversary. So then not only are we excited about the anniversary for being sober, but that week before is the reason we got sober to begin with.

00;07;55;09 - 00;07;57;23
Raymell
It's also the anniversary, so probably some bad.

00;07;58;00 - 00;08;21;12
Lisa
Some stuff that we did that we're not real proud of. So that's how come people say, you know, when they're coming up on anniversaries? Yeah, a lot of times they get antsy and start getting weird and they're worried that they're not, you know, they feeling like they're not going to make their anniversary. But that's because it's not just your clean time anniversary.

00;08;21;12 - 00;08;26;17
Lisa
It's it's the anniversary of some shit that got you in the way.

00;08;26;17 - 00;08;33;09
Raymell
August 18th was a really special day for me. August 15th was a terrible day.

00;08;33;17 - 00;08;34;11
Lisa
Not so great.

00;08;34;20 - 00;08;35;09
Raymell
Not so.

00;08;35;09 - 00;08;56;15
Lisa
Hot. Yeah, that's what I say. August. August 20th was great, but on August the 17th, blowing through a stop sign that a sobriety checkpoint. Then it was men at work while I was on parole. Yeah, it was a bad.

00;08;56;20 - 00;08;58;12
Raymell
Day back home. Top of each other?

00;09;00;02 - 00;09;24;19
Lisa
Yes. And trying to call my family and tell them one more time because my grandson was turning a year old that following weekend and and have to tell them that one more time that drinking was more important than some obligations that we had, you know, But thank God, you know, at the time I didn't think that that was a great thing.

00;09;24;22 - 00;09;52;08
Lisa
Right at that time, it was like the worst thing that ever happened in my life. But now I look back and, you know, my daughter my daughter told me point blank, you know, you did this shit to me and my brother and my sister all of our lives, all of our lives, from when we were babies. And now, you know, with your grandkids, I'll be damned if you're going to do it to my kids.

00;09;52;20 - 00;09;55;07
Lisa
Like. And that was.

00;09;56;12 - 00;09;56;25
Sam
Hit home.

00;09;56;25 - 00;10;03;17
Lisa
For you. Yeah, that was the thing. Because I was just like, Oh, I did. I did. You know.

00;10;03;17 - 00;10;04;10
Raymell
And it again.

00;10;04;10 - 00;10;21;04
Lisa
Yeah, I did it. And here I am right back now with a whole new generation saying I'll be there and then not showing up and, you know, promising all of this shit and then never following through because, you know, I promise you, you know.

00;10;21;16 - 00;10;23;01
Sam
And you meant it probably to.

00;10;23;01 - 00;10;29;11
Lisa
Oh, I meant it when I said it, but now I'm drunk and going over there, you know?

00;10;29;12 - 00;10;29;23
Sam
Yeah.

00;10;30;01 - 00;10;41;12
Raymell
It gets to the point where people actually, you know, they stop believing us, right? You know, there are so many times that, oh, you coming to this birthday party or this event or this event, I'll try to make it better, you know?

00;10;41;17 - 00;10;43;24
Sam
Yeah. And it's Stop telling my wife. Sorry.

00;10;44;05 - 00;10;45;27
Lisa
Right? Absolutely.

00;10;46;10 - 00;11;05;27
Sam
Just stop and try to change something, you know? And, um. Yeah, it was. You're right. Those days leading up to it were. Were pretty bad, right? You know, But, um, what was Lisa like when she was a baby or not? Baby, but.

00;11;06;06 - 00;11;35;10
Lisa
Well, so how did you grow up? I grew up in Hanford. Um, my mom and dad were married up until I was probably 20, so I always remember them like being married. My brother was younger than me, so he had some shit that he went through over that. But in my house was a Burmeister. Mm. So I had a keg on tap at my house, right?

00;11;35;14 - 00;11;49;13
Lisa
At all times. Yes. And so, you know, when I say I started drinking when I was 12, I really started drinking when I was 12, you know, it was there, you know, And nobody can tell how much is gone when it's like.

00;11;49;24 - 00;11;52;05
Raymell
Yeah, yeah. Glass.

00;11;52;07 - 00;12;25;25
Lisa
Yeah. I say, yeah, no, nobody knows. And, um, so me and my friends, you know, we would drink a lot and by the time I was 18, I was already, I was already drinking pretty hardcore. And, you know, I married my childhood sweetheart. So, um, the same guy I had been with since I was 14 years old. As the father of my kids, I married him straight out of high school and just always thought that that was just going to be it.

00;12;25;25 - 00;12;33;18
Lisa
And I had three kids back to back. So my kids right now are 35, 36 and 37, right.

00;12;33;20 - 00;12;34;07
Raymell
Back to back.

00;12;34;07 - 00;13;05;28
Lisa
So yeah, at that time they were one, two and three, you know, and uh, well, I, it was, you know, it was a lot and I was trying to drink and it, you know, the husband and me and we were growing up and things just got weird and I was able to stay sober through all of my pregnancies, which, yeah, it was an accomplishment, especially, you know, since I did not think I was going to be able to.

00;13;06;00 - 00;13;37;26
Lisa
Yeah, but I stayed sober for. So it was like four, three years. Yeah. But I never looked at it as I had a problem. It was just, you know, I stopped drinking. And so after the last one was born, my, my baby, I started drinking again. And it went bad real fast. And, um, I packed an overnight bag One night when I got home from work, I used to work nights and packed an overnight bag and left and never went back.

00;13;38;00 - 00;13;39;03
Raymell
Left the husband there.

00;13;39;06 - 00;13;57;19
Lisa
And with my kids. Yeah. So I. And took off just doing whatever I wanted to run amuck in America. And it wasn't long after that. You know, most people, when they start doing drugs, say they do drugs little by little, you know, they start smoking pot.

00;13;57;19 - 00;13;58;05
Sam
Dabbling.

00;13;58;05 - 00;14;09;12
Lisa
In it. Maybe, maybe snort a little line of cocaine. Right. Right. The first time I tried drugs, I was doing cocaine intravenously.

00;14;09;12 - 00;14;10;09
Raymell
Oh, wow.

00;14;10;20 - 00;14;46;11
Lisa
No baby steps on that now. So right into it. And from that point on, I went from cocaine to methamphetamine. And in from the day I started, I did not have a day clean until I'd get locked up, like I wouldn't not drink, drink or use. Right. And I would do some sometimes like sometimes it would just be drinking, sometimes it would just be getting high.

00;14;47;14 - 00;14;57;03
Lisa
So my second husband, I so I used to get drunk and act like an asshole, Right?

00;14;57;05 - 00;14;59;02
Sam
So no way.

00;14;59;02 - 00;15;02;26
Lisa
We had a fight one time and I broke everything in the house.

00;15;02;28 - 00;15;04;11
Raymell
All your stuff and his stuff.

00;15;04;13 - 00;15;28;21
Lisa
Everything. Everything that couches were turned upside down, that TV was teetering on the TV stand. Every picture that Windows and I broke everything in the house. And so he had said, You can either drink or be with me, but you can't do both. So I stopped drinking, but I kept using meth, thinking.

00;15;28;28 - 00;15;29;17
Sam
Oh, okay.

00;15;30;05 - 00;15;35;03
Raymell
Well, I mean, that's what he said. Yeah, that's what he said. He didn't say you had to stop, you know?

00;15;35;08 - 00;15;38;07
Lisa
Right. It was kind of like my truth. Only better, right?

00;15;38;07 - 00;15;38;17
Sam
Yeah.

00;15;38;28 - 00;15;45;01
Lisa
I'd say all I hear here. Here in here. But I live out there, there, there, and there.

00;15;45;26 - 00;15;49;15
Raymell
So that's the first two husbands did. They drank smoke? Did they do anything?

00;15;49;16 - 00;16;13;23
Lisa
My they've all they all have drank or had used drugs of some sort of another. But um, my second husband, like I said, I was by then. Yeah. I was a mean drunk. I, I was mean, I was horrible. I could be at a bar and be all happy. Life of the party and all it would take is someone to bump me.

00;16;13;23 - 00;16;17;14
Raymell
That's it right there. That's it. Who do you think you are? Like.

00;16;18;01 - 00;16;23;04
Lisa
All of a sudden I'm ten foot tall, bulletproof and invisible all over.

00;16;23;18 - 00;16;24;22
Raymell
Oh, my goodness.

00;16;25;03 - 00;16;57;27
Lisa
Yeah. So drinking wasn't really nice to me. And so I thought that, you know, using math, it slammed me down. And, you know, I wasn't, like, getting pulled over for drunk driving. Like, you're so focused. Right? But. But I couldn't freakin. I couldn't work. I couldn't do. I just couldn't do basic shit. Right. Um, first of all, the tracks all up your arms, you know, you don't want to go anywhere because.

00;16;58;26 - 00;17;01;29
Sam
So you've always done it. You've always done the shooting up.

00;17;01;29 - 00;17;10;26
Lisa
Yeah, Yeah. For ten, 20 years. For 20 years. I was an intravenous drug user for 20 years. Wow.

00;17;10;27 - 00;17;12;22
Raymell
Yeah, That's wild.

00;17;12;22 - 00;17;26;17
Lisa
Yeah. Yeah. One, two years. And my disease for 25 to 30, if you count the starting of the drinking at, like 12 or 13 closer to 30 years. And my disease.

00;17;27;08 - 00;17;31;07
Raymell
Because I had higher power, I would say that you were extremely blessed to be here with.

00;17;31;10 - 00;17;34;19
Lisa
Oh absolutely. And all of my teeth are mine, right?

00;17;34;28 - 00;17;42;25
Raymell
Yeah. Yeah. I can't even say that.

00;17;42;25 - 00;17;48;03
Lisa
Yeah. I always say thank God for good genes, because it could have turned out a whole lot worse. Oh.

00;17;48;24 - 00;17;50;13
Raymell
Oh, yeah, sure.

00;17;50;13 - 00;18;14;03
Lisa
But you know, when it came down to it. So in September of 2005, I had got busted. I had been busted a lot at times before that, but I got busted again. Right. And so I was going back to prison and I had just got out of prison. So I had just got out. And they you know, I got busted again.

00;18;14;03 - 00;18;31;15
Lisa
So they're sending me back and they're talking about this in number right. And, um, for those of you that don't know, it's a program in prison, right? But they're still an electric fence around that bitch, so it's pretend it's.

00;18;31;17 - 00;18;32;09
Raymell
Still prison.

00;18;32;09 - 00;18;44;23
Lisa
But you get a smaller sentence and have a longer tail. Yes. And I had always said no, I wouldn't take an N number. No, no, no, no, no, because I didn't want to stop.

00;18;44;24 - 00;18;45;06
Raymell
Right.

00;18;45;16 - 00;19;17;28
Lisa
Well, at this point, I thought, you know what? Maybe I can do this, right? Maybe I can do this. And so I took that number and I started, like, hearing things about recovery. You know, they'd have you go program and it'd be three 300 women, you know, all in one room, which. Yeah, yeah. Imagine that. 300 women all on the rag at that same.

00;19;17;28 - 00;19;18;10
Raymell
I saw.

00;19;18;19 - 00;19;18;22
Lisa
That.

00;19;18;24 - 00;19;20;14
Sam
When I was there. Yeah. But yeah, that's.

00;19;21;26 - 00;19;24;19
Lisa
Not a pretty thing. Right. Good.

00;19;25;13 - 00;19;26;24
Raymell
So you better not do that.

00;19;27;00 - 00;20;01;09
Lisa
I know. And so but then I got to start hearing a little bit of stuff about recovery. Right. And I wasn't all in yet. Yeah. But I was willing to maybe give it a try. So the one thing about when you left there, you had to leave there and go straight to a program. And so all of the programs were coming and talking to us, trying to get us to go there, because at that time there was a thing called phone tap and it was female offenders program.

00;20;01;22 - 00;20;21;15
Lisa
And so they would fund you, you know, to be in treatment for, for up to 14 months. Yeah. Oh yeah. It might have even been longer. 17 months. I can't remember. It was a long freakin time though. And so there all they want to do, they want you to come. Yeah. Because they've got a photo bed and the funding would be amazing, right?

00;20;22;08 - 00;20;55;11
Lisa
And so I'm listening to all of these people talk and they're all talking about recovery. And I really didn't you know, I'd been paying a little bit of attention, but I didn't know I'd never tried it before. And so I'm listening to everybody's spiel and this woman that are she was from here in Bakersfield, and she started talking and she was talking about recovery and it was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00;20;55;25 - 00;21;02;04
Lisa
And then she said that she was a second drawer shopper her last two times in prison.

00;21;02;11 - 00;21;02;24
Raymell
That's right.

00;21;03;04 - 00;21;03;28
Lisa
And I was like.

00;21;04;08 - 00;21;06;15
Sam
Hmm, you can relate to that.

00;21;06;15 - 00;21;31;10
Lisa
I was a second shopper my last two terms in prison, on ground. And so that was that's why I always tell everybody, share everything as long as it's the truth. Yeah, right. Share it, because you don't know what is going to click right. And so that's the only thing that clicked with me. So I went and talked to her and that's what brought me to Bakersfield.

00;21;31;16 - 00;22;01;07
Lisa
And I and I went to treatment there and I stayed in treatment, I think it was 14 months and I got out of treatment like the weekend after the 4th of July. Um, the 4th of July in 2007. So I had like, I didn't have 23 months clean yet, but I was like right there at that 18, 18 months and I had a job and I was doing pretty good.

00;22;01;07 - 00;22;30;03
Lisa
And my we all have that one person that sex is really good with one, especially when you get loaded, right? Like of course, you know, Right, right. Maybe straight. It's not that great. But you know that one person, while that one person called me, of course, and it was like, you know, why don't you come to Hanford? And, um, I was like, Oh, sounds like a good idea, right?

00;22;30;25 - 00;23;06;18
Lisa
And so this is now I had been out. This is I got out and July oh seven. So. Yep. And so this is like six weeks later and we talk all the time about our disease being progressive, right? And we talked about how, um, hanging out with the disease, right. And being honest. Yeah. So when he called me and wanted me to come, I didn't want to tell my roommate where I was going because accountability.

00;23;06;18 - 00;23;11;17
Lisa
Yeah, I was headed to the snake pit. Man. Yeah, I didn't want to do that. I know you.

00;23;12;00 - 00;23;12;28
Raymell
Don't want to hear that. Yeah.

00;23;13;08 - 00;23;45;27
Lisa
Yeah. And so I told her I was going to visit my grandson, and I got on the train and I went there and, uh, some shit went bad. So when I got there, I thought I was going to see my ex husband. Right. And what it ended up being is he had a friend that had just got out of prison that day and he said we were trying to find Johnny some pie.

00;23;45;27 - 00;24;23;09
Lisa
And I thought of you. Now, had I'd been, I had been clean for 23 months, but had I had a sponsor. Yeah, right. Had I been working some steps. Right. Had I had had I had a pretty good support group only because I liked I had a bunch of people that we all hung out with, but we, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing and, and state of saying and I'm the fuck out of here.

00;24;24;01 - 00;24;44;07
Lisa
I grabbed a beer, I opened it up, I smelled it, And he's the whole time, like, going, Fuck, no, put that down, because he knows I'm getting ready to unleash, right? Fucking psycho, right? Homegirl is on her way.

00;24;44;07 - 00;24;45;13
Raymell
Yeah, Do it. Yeah.

00;24;45;26 - 00;25;13;18
Lisa
And I looked right at him, and I drank right now, and I took the first drink at 7 p.m.. 2 a.m. is when I blew through the stop sign at the sobriety checkpoint. So it was within 7 hours. And in those 7 hours I had done a bunch of shit that I wasn't proud of. Right. So he had talked about, you know, the boy.

00;25;13;18 - 00;25;46;07
Lisa
And so I was like, Oh, you want to hook me up with this dude? I fucked him and made him right, right, right, right. Now, you can't fuck around, get your feelings hurt and what me wanted. And so, you know, like in that 7 hours I did like a bunch of shit that that destroyed that little bit of self-esteem that I had been able to build up in those 13 months.

00;25;46;14 - 00;26;10;06
Lisa
Like I said, I wasn't working a program like I should have been, but I was still hanging out with clean people, sober people. I was starting to feel good about myself. I look good. I was in the best shape that I had been in in a long time. Right. And so just in 7 hours. Right. I was able to destroy my sobriety, Right?

00;26;10;13 - 00;26;39;16
Lisa
Smash that little bit of self-esteem that I had built. I told myself that I wasn't worth somebody to love and care about me and the way I deserve to have someone love and care about me. Right? Let somebody use me. So thinking, thinking when I'm getting at you, right. I drank the poison, right? Yeah, right. Thinking that one of them are going to die.

00;26;39;25 - 00;27;05;06
Lisa
But you know what? They both went home that night. Yeah, I went to jail. Right. And so a weird thing happened. You know, when you get busted and you're on parole, they slap a parole hold on you. Right? And so that means that you cannot be released. Your parole officer, you go straight from there back to the state, and then they tell you how much your violation is going to be.

00;27;05;15 - 00;27;09;10
Lisa
Right? Well, they let me go really?

00;27;09;10 - 00;27;10;18
Raymell
That's not a thing. I mean.

00;27;10;29 - 00;27;12;01
Lisa
No, it shouldn't have.

00;27;12;01 - 00;27;13;00
Raymell
That shouldn't have happened.

00;27;13;02 - 00;27;21;05
Lisa
Yeah, they let me go after 6 hours and I figured I was already busted. So I might as well go to the connections now.

00;27;21;06 - 00;27;23;04
Raymell
By the time about where it's all over.

00;27;23;22 - 00;27;24;07
Sam
Copy.

00;27;25;01 - 00;27;50;00
Lisa
So I just went. So that happened Friday night? It was Friday night at seven when I had my first drink when everybody realized that there was a problem because I was off on Friday and Saturday. I didn't show up for work on Sunday. And it's funny because I'm going to really like I had one of those Old Virgin flip phones.

00;27;50;08 - 00;27;53;01
Raymell
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I remember those.

00;27;53;01 - 00;28;03;09
Lisa
The battery was dead in it and I didn't have a charger. So finally I went, got some place, I got a charger, and I plugged that phone in and it was gone.

00;28;03;09 - 00;28;04;13
Raymell
BLEEP, bleep.

00;28;05;07 - 00;28;27;04
Lisa
With all the messages. And it was everybody that I all of my friends that I had made. Right with in those 23 months calling and telling me my friend Alex Lee saying, no, this isn't the life that you want to lead. Just come home. Right? Just come home. That's all you have to do is come home. We'll take care of everything else.

00;28;27;04 - 00;28;51;28
Lisa
And the phone calls. So the text messages. And so I had a moment of clarity and I called my brother. My brother lived in Venezuela, and I was on Hanford and he drove from Visalia to Hanford, picked me up. This is middle of the night, right? Drove me back to the program that I was in here in Bakersfield.

00;28;51;28 - 00;28;54;05
Lisa
And that long walked of shame.

00;28;54;15 - 00;28;55;14
Raymell
Of course, four.

00;28;55;14 - 00;29;13;20
Lisa
People that don't know it's funny. Just take a little trip. If you're here in Bakersfield, take a little trip over that three, three, one six, 11 straight, and it has like a quarter mile long driveway.

00;29;14;10 - 00;29;18;07
Raymell
Oh, my goodness me. Drops you at the end. At the end.

00;29;18;08 - 00;29;32;02
Lisa
And I'm like, All right, no kid in there and tell the house, Mom, can I come home? She's get your ass in that detox house and don't come out.

00;29;33;01 - 00;29;34;02
Raymell
Jeez, I got to detox.

00;29;34;02 - 00;30;03;21
Lisa
Yeah. And so the next day, I got the best information that I ever had in my life. Right? The program director, actually, she came up to me and she said, I want you excuse me, to start writing and make, like, a journal going backwards for what happened each day, going backwards. And I want you to find out where you really relapsed.

00;30;03;22 - 00;30;04;23
Raymell
Right, right, right.

00;30;04;26 - 00;30;35;27
Lisa
I didn't believe that shit, Right? I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that. I did not believe our disease was progressive. But I went 23 months without having a drink or getting high and within 7 hours fucked my whole life out of right. Had one drink at 7 a.m. by 2 a.m.. My whole life was completely upside down and when they pulled me over, hadn't had a drink 23 months and I blew it like a 0.27 and passed the roadside sobriety test.

00;30;36;09 - 00;30;46;25
Lisa
So tell me that our disease as progressive, right? Because the not a normal person would drink like that in 7 hours.

00;30;46;26 - 00;30;47;16
Raymell
Exactly.

00;30;47;16 - 00;30;49;28
Lisa
And end up in the emergency room.

00;30;50;02 - 00;30;53;07
Raymell
Right. Or they be passed out unconscious. So not.

00;30;53;07 - 00;31;33;20
Lisa
Me. I was driving my brother in law's car that he didn't know I had because I took the keys out of his pocket. Right. Right. And was coming from the casino. So back to the hotel room because I needed more money. Yeah. Everything that and you know, normal people don't do. So when I started writing this thing, going backwards about July 20th, because I wasn't gambling either, because at that time, early in recovery, when I was in the midst of my disease, I lived in the Hanford Lamar area.

00;31;33;20 - 00;31;53;14
Lisa
I could see the lights to the palace from my front yard. No. So gambling and being at that casino was a big part of my you know, a big part of my disease. Yeah, That's where I used to get loaded. We'd all run around out there, all of my friends, that my people were there, right?

00;31;53;20 - 00;31;54;13
Raymell
Yeah, definitely.

00;31;54;14 - 00;32;26;01
Lisa
And I had went it was about the 15th or the 20th of July, and I had went gambling and we stopped and we stopped in Lee Morgan at the Snake Pit and then went off up to the Fresno and all of that. But going into that, I hit my brain run. Like I talk about all that time. My brain, when we do.

00;32;26;02 - 00;32;43;25
Lisa
That's why I can't even smoke pot, right? So if I do a little bit of something, I'm telling my brain that I'm willing to give it something. And so now it's not going to shut up until I give it what it want.

00;32;43;25 - 00;32;44;21
Raymell
It really wants.

00;32;44;21 - 00;32;53;18
Lisa
Right? So I had started gambling and that it triggered that whole thing then that, that the sort.

00;32;53;18 - 00;32;55;24
Sam
Of working on your relapse way before.

00;32;55;29 - 00;33;08;14
Lisa
Before I picked up the doctor. Right. So as soon as I when I left and lied to her I might have I should, I might as well have already been drunk. Right.

00;33;08;16 - 00;33;11;00
Raymell
Because you'd already made up your mind. Subconsciously you're already.

00;33;11;01 - 00;33;20;01
Lisa
I just didn't know it. I my I didn't know what myself, my brain and everything. My disease already had a plan.

00;33;20;02 - 00;33;21;23
Raymell
It said I got her. Yeah, yeah.

00;33;22;02 - 00;33;23;06
Lisa
Absolutely.

00;33;23;06 - 00;33;24;28
Raymell
You got that train ticket? It was like I got her.

00;33;24;28 - 00;33;28;20
Lisa
Yeah, she. She ain't going anywhere. She's going to. She's going to.

00;33;28;21 - 00;33;29;21
Sam
Bring out Psycho.

00;33;29;21 - 00;33;59;15
Lisa
Yeah. Oh, go. I'll go on. I say it all the time. You know, that's how when I talked to you guys and I say, like, being sober is the easy part now. Right? Right. And and that I'm not saying I am saying because at this point in my recovery, I've been sober for 15 years. My first thought isn't to pick up a drink, but I have to work on being an asshole.

00;33;59;15 - 00;34;15;04
Lisa
And that's why I say all the time, homegirls alive and well. Right. And it's just am I willing, am I willing to let her rear her ugly head? Because when that starts happening, what's my brain saying?

00;34;15;12 - 00;34;20;02
Raymell
Oh, she's giving me a little bit of leeway. Yeah, maybe.

00;34;20;02 - 00;34;21;28
Lisa
Dude. Yeah.

00;34;22;08 - 00;34;40;26
Raymell
That remind. That's funny. Reminds me a lot of my mother. She has long time sobriety. I don't know her date. I know my father's is about 20 years. Hers is probably around the same, but she has to work on his homegirl. You know what I mean? Because it's there and it comes out and she recognizes it. You know what I mean?

00;34;40;26 - 00;35;02;11
Raymell
She's mindful of it and she'll apologize later right here. You know what I mean? But that's like you said, that's the hard part. You Know, because I put down the drink, put down the coke, put down the smoke and all of that stuff, and then what's left is this asshole, you know what I mean? They say if you if you stop and your life's perfect, well then using wasn't the problem.

00;35;02;13 - 00;35;10;23
Raymell
Yeah. So yeah, that's definitely I'm not going to, you know, I don't have 15 years, so I still do have, you know, those.

00;35;10;23 - 00;35;12;09
Lisa
Thoughts but those character deep.

00;35;12;09 - 00;35;30;23
Raymell
Development. But it's those character defects that I asked to get removed all the time because those were causing a ton of problems and a ton of problems in my life. You know, I didn't get the DUI. I didn't get locked up. Yeah, but I'm steady, pissed and people off all the time. I'm ruining relationships with people. I'm never honest.

00;35;30;23 - 00;35;43;29
Raymell
You know what I mean? Like, literally never. You know, you could ask me if my shirt was blue, gray and black, and I tell you, it was green, you know, for what reason. I don't know, you know, But like you were saying, homegirl in there. Yeah.

00;35;43;29 - 00;36;14;09
Lisa
And it's and what I have found is from being around for a while, it's all of us. So we all have these behaviors, right, that we've been working on. And if we continue, you're not like And when we're wrong, promptly admit it, right? Like your mom. Right? So, um, but so I had somebody tell me this one time because I still sometimes kind of blow my top.

00;36;14;09 - 00;36;38;15
Lisa
And before I was working where I work now, I worked in a restaurant and I had this cook and I'd get so frickin so mad. And through the window, I'd say I'd, like with the whole restaurant could hear me say out of pocket, out of pocket saying some shit that didn't need to be said to another human being, right?

00;36;38;24 - 00;36;40;00
Raymell
Let alone a grown man.

00;36;40;05 - 00;36;47;24
Lisa
A grown man. I told them to go home and beat his wife and kick his dog and leave me the fuck alone.

00;36;47;24 - 00;36;53;09
Raymell
I hope he didn't take or lady were doing this.

00;36;53;09 - 00;36;53;27
Lisa
I was.

00;36;53;27 - 00;36;54;10
Sam
The poor.

00;36;54;10 - 00;36;55;03
Raymell
Guy. Yeah.

00;36;55;19 - 00;37;17;13
Lisa
So I would lose my shit. And then, you know, after a couple of hours, be able to calm down and then go and say, You know, when I'm wrong, I promptly admit it. You know, I'm sorry I talk to you like that. You know, blah, blah, blah. Well, the first two or three times he's willing to work with me.

00;37;17;13 - 00;37;44;01
Lisa
Right? Right, right. But after that, it's like, why are you even saying you're sorry when you're just going to do it again next weekend? And I was like, Oh, for me? Yeah, Normie, just put me in check. You need to check. Yes, you did. Right? So what I'm supposed to do is make amends for the behavior and change the behavior.

00;37;44;16 - 00;37;55;21
Lisa
Just because I make amends for the behavior on Saturday, I made amends for my behavior. But next Saturday, I'm going to be an asshole again. That doesn't make a right now.

00;37;56;11 - 00;37;56;17
Raymell
Right?

00;37;57;02 - 00;38;02;15
Lisa
Does that make it right? And this was at 12, 13 years clean, right? Yeah.

00;38;02;18 - 00;38;05;09
Raymell
Yeah. So sobriety already.

00;38;05;09 - 00;38;10;04
Lisa
Yeah and still getting schooled by a normie right.

00;38;10;28 - 00;38;21;00
Raymell
They they know a couple. Yeah they might know a thing or two Sam you said you had to stop saying I'm sorry, right? Yeah. Yeah. The behavior stayed the same. And you're still saying sorry.

00;38;21;00 - 00;38;47;23
Sam
Yeah, I had to stop apologizing. You know, uh, I didn't want to, um. Yeah, and it. It would suck when I would hear myself, because I knew, you know, that, you know, I wasn't really making a change or going to stop, because at that point, I didn't know how to stop one. Um, my body was already used to the alcohol, so I was drinking early in the morning, getting up and, you know, having a drink.

00;38;47;23 - 00;39;28;04
Sam
So, yeah, it was, it was it's crazy how you talk about how it's progressive and how active it is, right? You know, and it and I mentioned something, uh, in group yesterday that I, uh, you know, had a, my ego, my pride was kind of hurt at work. And I had said that that little seed, I had a thought out of the, you know, because that, that, that seed could have grown into something, could start growing if I don't deal with it right then and there and say, recognize it.

00;39;28;24 - 00;39;39;23
Sam
Because a lot of this is we talk about learning tools, but from what I gather out of it is is the tools teach you how to be aware.

00;39;40;16 - 00;39;40;18
Lisa
Of.

00;39;41;03 - 00;39;50;09
Sam
The awareness of it and being aware that this little thing could cause some big problems if. I let it grow if I keep feeding it right.

00;39;50;11 - 00;39;54;18
Lisa
Resentment Number one offender. Yeah, the number one offender.

00;39;55;04 - 00;40;04;27
Sam
Yeah. When did you realize that that was it an aha moment when you realized you were powerless over it. Over. Over drugs and alcohol?

00;40;04;27 - 00;40;14;01
Lisa
Was it well or was Ed sitting and the holding cell? So I'm sitting in the holding cell after the DUI. And I called my daughter.

00;40;14;13 - 00;40;15;06
Sam
And that was.

00;40;15;06 - 00;40;46;24
Lisa
It. And yeah, and I called her because the following weekend was my grandson's first birthday. And so she said what she said. And I was just like, I got it. I got to get this right. I've got to get this. So I made it a point, right, that I wasn't just going to hang out on the sidelines. I wasn't just going to, you know, hang out with my friends and stuff and be clean.

00;40;46;24 - 00;40;50;14
Lisa
I was going to try to figure out how to how to stay clean.

00;40;50;14 - 00;40;51;19
Raymell
Yeah, right, Right.

00;40;51;19 - 00;40;56;24
Lisa
And at first I was like, the scariest thing in my life.

00;40;56;24 - 00;40;58;20
Raymell
I think everything.

00;40;58;24 - 00;41;08;06
Lisa
Thinking like when alcohol was my best friend. Hmm. Yeah. Alcohol never let me down.

00;41;08;15 - 00;41;10;19
Sam
Allows me to do everything I did.

00;41;10;19 - 00;41;41;24
Lisa
What it was supposed to do. When it was supposed to do it hung out with me through weddings, funerals, Super Bowls on the way home after my daughter was born. Birth. Right. And so it was with me. And then to, like, do that whole goodbye letter to alcohol and, and and like, kind of try to realize that I'm never going to drink again.

00;41;42;06 - 00;41;44;03
Lisa
I said, Oh, I can't do that.

00;41;44;07 - 00;41;44;19
Raymell
Right.

00;41;45;02 - 00;41;49;10
Lisa
I can't do that, cause that's going to fuck me up, right?

00;41;49;21 - 00;42;00;10
Raymell
Like, like a best friend. Also, you know, it gives us those blinders, too. Yeah, you know, I remember. Oh, you're at the Super Bowl with me. You're at these great moments. But we don't bring up the fact that when we live.

00;42;00;13 - 00;42;01;13
Lisa
Otherwise, you.

00;42;02;11 - 00;42;05;05
Raymell
Know, all these bad shit happens. Our best friend is right.

00;42;05;05 - 00;42;06;08
Sam
There with you.

00;42;07;13 - 00;42;09;28
Raymell
We leave those. We leave those parts out. You know?

00;42;09;28 - 00;42;28;16
Lisa
Absolutely. And it's weird because. And like, we talk about childbirth, right? The minute you see your baby. Oh, you forget how much everything was, right? Oh, right. Okay. But same with the drink, right? Yeah. As soon as you're having a good time again, you forget about that monster.

00;42;28;17 - 00;42;30;04
Raymell
How it usually ends.

00;42;30;04 - 00;42;30;29
Lisa
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;42;31;08 - 00;42;31;21
Raymell
You know.

00;42;31;25 - 00;42;44;25
Lisa
And that's how we talk to. So being able to start being a part of the program, I started realizing that, okay, what is evidence? What's the evidence?

00;42;44;25 - 00;42;45;29
Raymell
Right, right, right.

00;42;46;20 - 00;42;54;16
Lisa
Okay. Gosh. You know, and I said it one time, my friend. Gosh, a glass of eggnog would taste so good. It was Christmas.

00;42;54;17 - 00;42;55;05
Raymell
Right? Right.

00;42;55;12 - 00;43;02;17
Lisa
And she said, you're absolutely right. A glass of eggnog would taste delicious. Yes, it.

00;43;02;17 - 00;43;02;25
Sam
Would.

00;43;03;11 - 00;43;17;10
Lisa
But what's going to be that 12 hours follows that one glass of eggnog, Right. What effect is it going to have on your life? And I was like.

00;43;17;18 - 00;43;44;17
Sam
Oh, yeah, that's that's what I I use that to a lot. You know, I remember the last couple of days leading up to it, you know, really the last couple of months, um, stopping, starting, stopping, starting and, and, um, I just remember that feeling of thinking, I don't want to drink, but yet I'm like this as long as I'm doing it.

00;43;44;17 - 00;44;12;14
Sam
And I just hated it. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the feeling of it. I couldn't stand any part of it anymore. And so I, I bring up that feeling any time, like because I get home when I'm on my way or, my way home, or I'm, um, like, tired, worn out from the day, you know, all of a sudden you know what, I'm in my truck and it's just listening to the road.

00;44;12;14 - 00;44;20;27
Sam
I got the heater on because it's cold outside and, you know, you, you feel comfortable and then all of a sudden a pop in my brain. You know, man, a bottle would be nice right now.

00;44;21;03 - 00;44;22;22
Raymell
Because that's the only thing missing from.

00;44;22;29 - 00;44;33;00
Sam
That. But that routine used to be. Yeah. And so I would and then I got to snap myself out of it. Yeah, be aware of it. Snap myself out of it. And remember those.

00;44;33;17 - 00;44;42;28
Lisa
Familiar because it's familiar and stuff. And if we are feeling extremely comfortable. Mm. We're in a bad spot. Right.

00;44;43;07 - 00;44;43;19
Raymell
Right.

00;44;44;05 - 00;44;54;02
Lisa
We're supposed to be a little uncomfortable because every, every time I was really super comfortable in the past was because I didn't have that feel.

00;44;54;02 - 00;45;14;28
Raymell
Right, right, right. We were talking in group last night. You brought up group? I've been having some issues. I'm glad you're here because you got some long term sobriety. My first few months I've been kind of coasting. You know, I didn't have to detox. I didn't have the obsession went away really fast for me, you know? So I was good to go.

00;45;15;09 - 00;45;34;11
Raymell
And now these last three, four days, I found out the name from last night. I've been making reservations. I just found out. I've been making reservations. Thinking about going on vacation in a year two, you know. Oh, I'm going to drink when we do that, you know? And I mean, what if by some crazy miracle my Cowboys win the Super Bowl?

00;45;34;22 - 00;45;45;06
Raymell
Oh, I'm having a shot with that. I think to myself, Oh, when it really happens, I won't. But I'm thinking about it. And my subconscious is like, Yeah, you will. So it's like, yes.

00;45;45;06 - 00;46;09;01
Lisa
You In a minute. With a minute that you say when that at, that's how when you're doing stop work, it asks you like what is the one thing you don't think you'll be able to get through. Right. Right right. Got to say that one hard thing bro. And um, I had always like the death though. Something of one of my kids, right?

00;46;09;07 - 00;46;09;27
Raymell
That's what it is.

00;46;10;00 - 00;46;12;10
Lisa
But when that shit happened with my son.

00;46;12;27 - 00;46;13;25
Raymell
That crazy shit.

00;46;13;25 - 00;46;38;13
Lisa
Yeah. So that should happen with my son. They didn't expect him to live. But guess what? Because I'd been around doing instead of making reservations. Yeah, Yeah. And instead of making reservations, talking. Okay. When the worst possible thing was what I do, I knew. Reach out and, you know, get on the phone, reach out, let somebody know what's going on.

00;46;39;17 - 00;46;46;12
Lisa
Especially my family. The family that doesn't drink. Not. Not the 100.

00;46;46;12 - 00;46;47;05
Sam
Here's a shot.

00;46;47;07 - 00;46;53;23
Raymell
I know this is the greatest moment in 26 years. God, finally did it take this shot?

00;46;53;29 - 00;47;09;19
Lisa
Yeah. Yeah. Don't find that person, Mike. Yeah. And once you once you tell your mind that there is these situations that you're willing to cross your own boundaries, right? What's going to happen when it comes along. Right?

00;47;09;20 - 00;47;15;20
Raymell
So I probably if, if by some miracle we got to that game, I should probably watch it with Sam.

00;47;15;20 - 00;47;16;15
Lisa
With people in.

00;47;16;27 - 00;47;21;02
Raymell
Robert and with Joe, they won't believe me. I should watch it with all the fellas. Yeah.

00;47;21;18 - 00;47;51;27
Lisa
Absolutely. And that's where I started doing all of the stuff I've always loved to do, Right. But I was so afraid when, you know, early in recovery, so afraid to go to live music, go to a baseball game, you know, professional game. Right. And I was fearful because that's where I had my best times. So. Yeah, right. And I just I go with people that are like minded.

00;47;52;10 - 00;48;04;28
Sam
Yeah. You know, I was going to ask you not not to talk about specifically. You don't have to talk about what happened with your son, but the response, because you had mentioned it once, the response that you got in a different state. Yeah.

00;48;05;07 - 00;48;33;27
Lisa
So first he had had the car accident and became paralyzed. And when that happened, I was in a familiar area. I was in Little Rock, Arkansas, which my son had lived in Arkansas for a long time. It was familiar. I'd been to meetings there. I knew I knew people that I could reach out to. And I had some family there, right?

00;48;33;27 - 00;48;44;03
Lisa
Yeah. So it wasn't weird. But when my son got shot, they airlifted him to Springville. Springfield, Missouri.

00;48;44;11 - 00;48;45;17
Raymell
Yeah. Knows anything about that?

00;48;45;20 - 00;48;46;07
Sam
The Simpsons.

00;48;46;07 - 00;48;47;14
Raymell
There is one of them.

00;48;47;14 - 00;49;20;21
Lisa
Springfield, Missouri. And I was like, What the hell? Never. Missouri, Springfield, Missouri, and Missouri. Right? And so I drove to Springfield, Missouri. And when I got there, I knew nobody. I had nobody. I was in a hotel room alone. And I went on social media and I'm very rarely on social media. It's not one of my things. Right?

00;49;20;24 - 00;49;23;00
Lisa
Well, I can sit on Tik-tok can scroll.

00;49;23;17 - 00;49;24;16
Raymell
With the best, but.

00;49;24;17 - 00;49;31;17
Lisa
I'm not into that. This is what I had for dinner. Take it back. Yeah, that's the creep. Yeah. I'm not. I'm not down. Yeah.

00;49;31;22 - 00;49;32;10
Sam
In and out.

00;49;32;11 - 00;49;32;18
Raymell
Yeah.

00;49;32;23 - 00;49;43;11
Lisa
I got I'm not down with all that and so I had posted on there. Are there any of my peeps in Springfield Missouri.

00;49;43;14 - 00;49;43;26
Raymell
Right.

00;49;44;12 - 00;49;53;27
Lisa
And the comments underneath were not even like why. What, what's going on. It was just putting other people's names, tagging people.

00;49;53;29 - 00;49;55;02
Raymell
Immediate support.

00;49;55;03 - 00;50;10;19
Lisa
Yeah, tagging just people by within the hour I had three women to show up at my hotel room. Look at that. That I had never met before in my life to walk me through.

00;50;10;28 - 00;50;11;15
Raymell
Look at that.

00;50;11;16 - 00;50;15;28
Lisa
Again. This hard time that I was going through. I didn't have to do it alone.

00;50;16;01 - 00;50;17;08
Sam
Yeah, the community is.

00;50;17;18 - 00;50;34;09
Lisa
Yes. Awesome. And they would only allow me to visit our but they would only allow me to visit for like two or 3 hours a day. Right. So that leaves a whole bunch at a time. I'm in Springfield, Missouri.

00;50;34;09 - 00;50;35;27
Raymell
Oh, my God. How long ago was this?

00;50;36;05 - 00;50;39;16
Lisa
It just happened in April 2021.

00;50;39;20 - 00;50;43;17
Raymell
Yes, it was COVID. I remember that you could only visit people for a couple of hours.

00;50;43;17 - 00;50;52;26
Lisa
Well, when he was when he had the car accident and we were in Little Rock, Arkansas, I could literally live in the room with him.

00;50;52;26 - 00;50;53;10
Raymell
Really?

00;50;53;15 - 00;51;16;25
Lisa
Yeah. They I was there 24 seven and it was snowing and the weather was horrible. Right. And when it got too bad, I just slept in the bed right there and it was cool. And that was January 20, 21. But yeah, Springfield, Missouri was being fricken stupid with it. So but these women would come and pick me up.

00;51;16;29 - 00;51;21;08
Lisa
So I wasn't just sitting in a hotel right in my and yeah.

00;51;21;20 - 00;51;23;01
Sam
In your uppity.

00;51;23;01 - 00;51;52;00
Lisa
Yeah. My poor me, poor me poor me. Another drink right. Yeah. Yeah. Or my anger you know, because sometime it is my feelings are hard to identify. I have to really, even at 15 years clean I have to really stop and be mindful and figure out what am I feeling because embarrassment. Right, Right.

00;51;52;02 - 00;51;53;15
Sam
If towards anger.

00;51;53;27 - 00;52;05;09
Lisa
It is anger. It comes out as anger. But I'm not mad. I just got embarrassed. Right, right, right. Why can't I just say guy? That was embarrassing, right? Know, I'm like, Wow.

00;52;05;23 - 00;52;07;06
Sam
Oh, there you are.

00;52;07;07 - 00;52;27;13
Raymell
Yeah. It's hard to track. It's hard to track those emotions sometimes. It was a Saturday morning about two months ago. You gave me an emotion Will that's on my refrigerator to help me identify what I'm feeling like this. Like, where does it come in from? And it comes in clutch because sometimes I'm embarrassed, sometimes.

00;52;27;18 - 00;52;28;13
Lisa
Anxiety.

00;52;28;14 - 00;52;35;03
Raymell
Diety, you know, sometimes it's from confusion. Like just because I can't decipher certain things.

00;52;35;14 - 00;52;36;06
Lisa
Decision and.

00;52;36;10 - 00;52;37;04
Raymell
Angry about.

00;52;37;04 - 00;52;51;22
Lisa
It. Yeah. Yeah. So I had one of our guys came in and visited me today and he kept telling me, you know, I can't make a decision. I can't make a decision. I said, Then don't write.

00;52;51;22 - 00;52;53;28
Raymell
I guess you've.

00;52;53;29 - 00;52;55;23
Lisa
Got to imagine the concept.

00;52;56;06 - 00;53;01;15
Raymell
Right? But I mean, it's hard to think. It sounds simple, right? But I don't. Yeah.

00;53;01;15 - 00;53;05;08
Lisa
And he said, but I need to know. I said, but that's later. Yeah.

00;53;05;18 - 00;53;06;08
Sam
That's not today.

00;53;06;08 - 00;53;12;03
Lisa
You don't have that now. That decision right now. Right. It doesn't have to be right.

00;53;12;03 - 00;53;13;12
Sam
Where that anxiety comes.

00;53;13;12 - 00;53;32;26
Lisa
From. Absolutely. And then when we do that and we put ourselves in that, so now we're all wound up and everybody we're around, right? We are. We get snippy with everybody around us because we've got our own shit. Sadness. Sadness is another one, right?

00;53;32;27 - 00;53;33;28
Raymell
Like, why am I sad.

00;53;33;29 - 00;53;53;21
Lisa
When I'm feeling sad? I don't want to feel sad. So like, I said, I don't like to think of good emotions and bad emotions or negative or positive, Right? But it's just an emotion and when I feel it, I feel like I shouldn't.

00;53;54;01 - 00;53;54;10
Sam
Right?

00;53;54;23 - 00;54;17;23
Lisa
Feel it right. But like my brain tells me my life is going pretty good. What do I have to be sad about? Right. Well, so then that gets me back in my. Yeah, Yeah. So like being able to say it out loud is the most beautiful thing. Just like, you know, I'm kind of sad. I'm feeling kind of disconnected.

00;54;17;24 - 00;54;45;02
Lisa
Um, you know, I've got. I've got this going on. I don't feel like I'm connecting good with others or, um, you know, I feel like, well, whatever, you know, I don't feel like I am getting accomplished what I should be getting accomplished. Just things right that give us, you know, that they don't make us, but they bring on feelings of.

00;54;45;11 - 00;55;04;03
Raymell
That's a skill set in itself that a lot of us don't have. I know it's something that I'm definitely working on because, you know, I look like I'm having a bad day or something. And you say, What's wrong? And I say nothing or I say something. But to actually identify it, you know, and be able to pinpoint it because then you can deal with it.

00;55;04;03 - 00;55;16;29
Raymell
If you can pinpoint it, that's like a that's like a character or a skill that I think it's hard to learn. It is. I don't because I don't have it yet and I work on it. I'm mindful of it. Yeah, but it's it's something that still eludes me a lot of time.

00;55;16;29 - 00;55;23;22
Sam
That will comes in. Yeah. You know, play to know that the awareness of it identify it.

00;55;24;14 - 00;55;52;13
Lisa
And being mindful to just what what's really going on. What am I feeling, you know um, three thoughts three feelings. Try to figure that out. And day. You know, when I wake up in the morning, three thoughts, three feelings. And then at the end of the day, three behaviors, you know, did my thoughts and my feelings project what my behavior was going to be, right?

00;55;52;13 - 00;55;52;25
Raymell
Yeah.

00;55;53;05 - 00;56;20;09
Lisa
And how can I change the way that I think. Right. Because sometimes it's because we have distorted thinking. Right? Right. That we. Okay example, all of us that drank. Right. Get up and we'd have a drink first thing in the morning to cool my nerves. Yeah, that's perfectly okay in our head.

00;56;20;18 - 00;56;20;29
Sam
Yeah, it.

00;56;20;29 - 00;56;28;16
Lisa
Is. If, if I can do that and still be is then be able to go to work then I'm functioning. Yeah.

00;56;28;28 - 00;56;29;04
Raymell
Yeah.

00;56;29;14 - 00;56;40;20
Lisa
So we tell ourselves that and so it becomes it's okay to get up in the morning and have a shot so that I can go and get on with my daily life.

00;56;40;20 - 00;56;42;04
Sam
It's easier to cross those lines.

00;56;42;04 - 00;56;58;08
Lisa
Yes, but once you start, let me change the way I think. Normal people don't think about having a shot of liquor or before they brush their teeth.

00;56;58;11 - 00;56;58;20
Sam
Yeah.

00;56;59;09 - 00;57;00;06
Raymell
I guess they don't.

00;57;01;16 - 00;57;03;23
Lisa
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I used.

00;57;03;23 - 00;57;08;23
Sam
To want to get a shot before brushing my teeth. So that way, yeah, I brush my teeth.

00;57;09;27 - 00;57;11;03
Lisa
And that's what I had.

00;57;11;05 - 00;57;12;01
Raymell
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;57;12;14 - 00;57;19;25
Lisa
I used to like to do peppermint schnapps in the morning because for some reason I thought that it was tasted. I smell like peppermint.

00;57;19;26 - 00;57;41;29
Raymell
I was the least clever of anybody. I smelled of tall cans every day. I walked into work, didn't give a shit, You know, I pop some women dream or something like that, But I think only one job. I was out at a distribution center over here, out in Shafter. And there was one time this older black guy, he was just like, We're really cool, you know, like about three weeks.

00;57;42;01 - 00;57;59;05
Raymell
And he was like, You got to stop, man. He Was like, Every day we come here and we all stand together to get ready to see what we're being. Same. He's like every day. You smell like tall boys. I was like, Really? You were like, every single day. You think anybody you know? Yeah, I think anybody new.

00;57;59;05 - 00;58;10;27
Sam
I've had that happen to me. But instead of thinking, you know, Well, maybe I should not drink before I go, I think, okay, well, maybe I should change my cologne or I'll bring my cologne right?

00;58;11;04 - 00;58;12;13
Raymell
Or I.

00;58;13;08 - 00;58;14;08
Lisa
Go away.

00;58;14;10 - 00;58;16;20
Sam
Maybe fruity gum will help. Yeah, they got it.

00;58;16;20 - 00;58;18;20
Lisa
And we got to prevent their disease.

00;58;18;20 - 00;58;29;20
Raymell
It's going to protect itself, you know. It's going to give you some alts to wear. You don't have to go at it. You know what I mean? Like, don't come after me. Like, let's get rid of all this other stuff and we can still be cool.

00;58;29;20 - 00;58;31;21
Lisa
Absolutely. Mm. Yeah.

00;58;32;10 - 00;58;57;07
Sam
One of the, one of the things I. I'll let you explain it if you would, but Larry had came on and I can talk about him because he's, he was here but he, he came on last week and he had said something so profound because it like struck a chord and that was, you know, about that movie click.

00;58;58;00 - 00;59;27;22
Raymell
Oh, that's right. Have you seen the movie Click with Adam Sandler? So basically, he he gets a magical remote control that can do everything to your life that you can do. Like when you're watching a movie, you can and get fast forward. You can mute things which, you know, would come in really handy at times, you know? So Adam Sandler, what he doesn't know is that the remote control takes your tendencies and it puts those into action on its own.

00;59;27;22 - 00;59;54;25
Raymell
So he had a tendency to fast forward through fights with his wife, uh, his boss, chewing them out, things like that. So it started to take those tendencies. And fast forward through all of these moments in his life that he didn't want to happen. And Larry was talking about how when we drink and we use, you know, getting a fight with the wife or have a bad day at work, get super shitty, fucked up, You know what I mean?

00;59;54;25 - 01;00;15;11
Raymell
To forget about it. And then that ends up happening to where every time something bad happens, we get super hammered instead of just regular hammered and we start missing days, weeks, months, years out of our life. By doing that and being in somebody that didn't watch that movie, I was like, Hang, I did. Yeah. Because when something goes bad, I want to forget about it.

01;00;15;19 - 01;00;23;26
Raymell
So I go overboard, so I don't remember it anymore. And then before you know it, what happened in 2012? Yeah, I don't remember it. Like, you know what I mean?

01;00;23;27 - 01;00;32;17
Sam
Yeah. And I even took it. I even took it as like the, the had not being present with your loved ones.

01;00;32;17 - 01;00;33;03
Lisa
Right. Right.

01;00;33;06 - 01;00;41;20
Sam
You know, all of a sudden you look back, play the tape back and then you think you know, yeah I was there, but I wasn't.

01;00;41;20 - 01;01;06;28
Lisa
But and it's like that with our full disease and our whole life. And so how we when we're talking about like we stopped developing emotionally where we started drinking. So like I said, I started drinking at 12 years old, right? Mm. 12, 13 years old. And then stayed that way until I was in my forties.

01;01;07;06 - 01;01;08;12
Raymell
That's why you're quick to throw fit.

01;01;08;12 - 01;01;19;17
Lisa
So I absolutely because I, I did not. And not only that, I stayed only with the people that behaved like I did.

01;01;19;17 - 01;01;19;27
Sam
Yes.

01;01;19;27 - 01;01;31;01
Lisa
Three and four. So I didn't have those negative comments from the family or the friends because I only hung out with people like.

01;01;31;01 - 01;01;33;26
Raymell
No one telling you, you need to grow up. You need to change. Yeah.

01;01;34;06 - 01;01;34;25
Lisa
You need to.

01;01;34;25 - 01;01;36;27
Raymell
Stop. Yeah, you need to stop. Yeah.

01;01;37;07 - 01;01;43;29
Lisa
You know, I was in this really bad relationship about to throw his name out here, but I was.

01;01;44;16 - 01;01;48;17
Raymell
I was always questions have editing ability. You don't have to do.

01;01;51;27 - 01;02;23;18
Lisa
How to just see what would happen but this this dude he was not nice me right. And I'm a fighter and I would stay in this frickin fucked up relationship. And a really good friend of mine, her name was Lynn, and Lynn and I had been friends for many years. So that tells you about Lynn. I hung out with Lynn every day.

01;02;23;19 - 01;02;24;01
Raymell
Yeah.

01;02;24;14 - 01;02;50;10
Lisa
Okay. And she said to me, Liza, what have you done so bad in your life that you think you deserve that shit? And I thought, okay, we're all dope. And I got a dope fiend asking me, What have you done so wrong that you think you deserve that? And I was like, I she was like, Why do you stay?

01;02;50;10 - 01;02;58;25
Lisa
And the only explanation I can come up with, I was strung out. He was the connection.

01;02;58;25 - 01;02;59;07
Raymell
Yeah.

01;02;59;20 - 01;03;06;06
Lisa
Right. So I was willing to even put up with physical abuse.

01;03;06;15 - 01;03;08;21
Raymell
Right, right, right.

01;03;08;21 - 01;03;11;03
Lisa
So I can continue to get higher.

01;03;11;10 - 01;03;16;17
Raymell
Yeah. And it made it easy, like to have that him be your connect. It was just very well.

01;03;16;17 - 01;03;23;09
Lisa
And, you know and I used to always say I wasn't a bag whore. My boyfriend was the connection.

01;03;23;09 - 01;03;27;03
Raymell
You know. But you're right.

01;03;30;00 - 01;03;37;10
Lisa
But yeah, so and I finally I figured out I was like, that's why that's why I'm staying. I'm putting up with that. Yeah.

01;03;37;10 - 01;03;43;18
Sam
Shared this stuff we put ourselves through just a yeah of. Oh.

01;03;43;26 - 01;03;48;01
Lisa
Yeah, it's crazy insane. So I can get high just.

01;03;49;02 - 01;04;13;19
Sam
So I'll wrap it up here soon. But I just wanted to know one other thing and something I'm starting to ask people. So keeping in mind that it's hard to tell somebody that they got to quit because I know when people told me I have to quit, I didn't. I know I'm not paying attention. I'm not listening. I'm not.

01;04;13;19 - 01;04;36;29
Lisa
Our disease is the only self-diagnosed disease that there is. You can't tell anybody else. They have to figure it out for themselves, right? Yes. You can start, you know, maybe a you know, maybe if you weren't drinking, you wouldn't have these problems. Maybe. You know what?

01;04;36;29 - 01;04;38;16
Sam
I have a little bit of clarity.

01;04;38;22 - 01;04;51;13
Lisa
Suggestions towards sobriety, but the you say, dude, you got a drinking problem, You got to stop. What happened to you when they said that?

01;04;51;21 - 01;04;54;07
Sam
I kept drinking, I just didn't talk to them. Right.

01;04;54;15 - 01;04;54;26
Raymell
Cut them.

01;04;54;26 - 01;04;58;21
Lisa
Off. Yeah, absolutely. I hear we want to hear the truth.

01;04;59;09 - 01;05;23;03
Sam
Yeah. You know, is there anything. And that's what brought up, you know, when Larry brought that up, you know, he made the same point is that, you know, there's not much that you can say because I haven't I don't know the answer to it. I don't I don't think there is one. I think like you in that, you know, you have that one person has to figure it out on their own.

01;05;23;03 - 01;05;27;17
Sam
They they have to reach that place where they want to stop digging.

01;05;27;17 - 01;05;39;10
Lisa
Right. But you can't be like you. You have this, you got this. You drink too much more into questions. What would your life be like if you didn't drink?

01;05;39;22 - 01;05;40;05
Raymell
Right?

01;05;40;16 - 01;05;50;15
Lisa
Right. How would work? Where would you be in your career if you weren't drinking? Yeah. Where would you be in your education? You know, if you weren't drinking?

01;05;50;17 - 01;05;51;27
Sam
Jesus, how.

01;05;51;27 - 01;06;03;01
Lisa
Mean your how would your relationship be? Because again, and that is like making great suggestions, you can throw it out there and at least you're planting a seed, right?

01;06;03;04 - 01;06;03;16
Raymell
Right.

01;06;03;16 - 01;06;06;29
Sam
So now they're questioning it. Yeah. Now they're looking at it.

01;06;06;29 - 01;06;09;08
Lisa
Yeah. And you planted the seed. It's in the head.

01;06;09;17 - 01;06;34;06
Sam
Yeah, that's actually a great answer because you know that that's that's really good because I always think about it. You know, it's I have people I've had people that, you know, I call you on and say, you know, this person may want to get help or whatever. And, and, um, you know, people ask me, you know, what should you do or what can I do?

01;06;34;06 - 01;06;56;14
Sam
And I'm like, I don't know. I have no idea. You know what? I'm not a counselor. You know, a therapist by any stretch, the means of any background in that. And, you know, I just know my experience, you know, And the only I can do is open a door for them to to go with me and, and and do the.

01;06;56;18 - 01;07;05;18
Lisa
Interaction rather than promotion, too. So the people that you always partied with, I've had them call me and be like.

01;07;05;25 - 01;07;06;28
Sam
What are you doing?

01;07;06;28 - 01;07;38;02
Lisa
How they did. I don't feel like you like what happened. Right? That's attraction rather than promotion. It really is. I didn't have to run around and throw names out. Yeah, they saw the behavior, and many times that's why Chelsea at the place where I work, that is our. Our our slogan. Right? Planting seeds, saving lives. Right. Have you ever seen the big canister?

01;07;38;02 - 01;08;11;10
Lisa
It's like in a giant. It looks like it's in a giant salt thing, but it's wild flowers thing. So where you can sprinkle on wildflowers. Right. So like with what we what I, you know, just like, how would your life be without drinking. You can plant his seed. Mm. And anybody. Right. Right. And we just have to have faith in the god of our understanding.

01;08;11;10 - 01;08;19;09
Lisa
Right. That it's going to get watered. Yeah. Right. Because I may never see that flower bloom.

01;08;19;11 - 01;08;19;26
Raymell
Might not.

01;08;20;03 - 01;08;35;09
Lisa
I may never see it. Right. Christmas cactus only bloom one day I may never see it bloom right. But if I have faith that it's going to get taken care of, I can continue to just plant seeds.

01;08;35;09 - 01;08;37;05
Raymell
Because as long as it blooms, that's all that matters.

01;08;37;05 - 01;09;09;06
Lisa
Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't. It doesn't have to be me. It doesn't have to be because of me. Yeah, that's not me. That's. That's all a power bigger than right. And as long as we have faith that that's going to happen, plant all the seeds, you can always. And once you start talking about, like, you know how life would be, how would life be if you quit drinking, that shit is going to ruin every drink after that.

01;09;09;06 - 01;09;10;13
Raymell
It really well, you know.

01;09;10;25 - 01;09;21;28
Lisa
Every time you're getting drunk and like, Oh God. Sam asked me, what would my life be like if I wasn't drinking? Right? Damn, Sam, I can't even enjoy my drink.

01;09;22;09 - 01;09;23;03
Raymell
Taste is good.

01;09;23;21 - 01;09;49;22
Sam
Yeah. So, you know, you talk about those questions that you can, you know, present the people. And I got to tell you, my life, the the in the 300 days that I've been sober has made leaps and bounds in all areas of my life, my wife relationship, my kids relationship and my just, you know, people see it on my face.

01;09;49;27 - 01;09;55;12
Sam
My dad told me the other day he sees it looks like you got taller. And I know that you just getting shorter.

01;09;55;12 - 01;09;56;17
Raymell
Or what happened that day.

01;09;57;00 - 01;10;20;06
Lisa
That's what I was going to say. Yeah. So you said the relationship with my wife, the relationship with my kids. And what I was going to say is, how about the relationship with yourself, Right? Yeah. So, yeah, you probably are taller because you're standing up a little proud, you know, because you you're proud of yourself, right? You have something to have some self-esteem over today, right?

01;10;20;13 - 01;10;38;20
Sam
Yeah. That's so. You know, I always heard that slogan. Knowledge is power, right? And and when we start to go, when you when you go get treatment, if you really show up, participate be honest and keep a secret.

01;10;38;24 - 01;10;39;04
Lisa
Mm hmm.

01;10;40;11 - 01;11;08;09
Sam
Then you can really start to start to really work on yourself and. You start to learn the things like the emotional emotion. Will you start to learn why you're doing what you're doing, learning how to recognize, you know, the when, when, when things are going to go awry. And you start to say, okay, this does this, this does that.

01;11;08;09 - 01;11;15;21
Sam
You really start to get the roadmap to how you to to how to make yourself feel better. Yeah. And it is amazing.

01;11;15;27 - 01;11;32;15
Lisa
Now and I peeling the onion. Yeah. So, so we were just talking about feelings and emotions right? I've always talked about my anger, the King Kong syndrome. Right. So the more fear I have, the more I'm building on my self.

01;11;32;15 - 01;11;33;08
Raymell
Yes.

01;11;33;08 - 01;11;38;28
Lisa
I take it because I don't want you to know that I'm experiencing any fear. Right? Right.

01;11;39;00 - 01;11;39;09
Raymell
Yeah.

01;11;39;26 - 01;12;03;15
Lisa
So where does that come from? Where does that come from? So I had to do some step right, and find out that when my mom and dad used to have big knockdown, drag out fight, I didn't want them to think I was afraid. Right, right, right. And so I would puff up a seven year.

01;12;03;15 - 01;12;04;17
Raymell
Old puffing up.

01;12;05;08 - 01;12;30;13
Lisa
Right. Trying to hide my fear. And I learned how to protect myself when shit wasn't going right in the family. And I come from a whole family of drinkers. So shit wasn't going right a lot of times. Right? Right. And so as long as I acted as if, then I didn't have to show anybody my fear. They didn't need to know that my.

01;12;30;13 - 01;12;32;21
Raymell
Behavior and behavior just became.

01;12;33;00 - 01;12;34;26
Lisa
Part of the. And I wanted to.

01;12;34;27 - 01;12;36;15
Raymell
Same mechanism for that part.

01;12;36;15 - 01;12;49;22
Lisa
Absolutely. Just like drinking was my solution. So me acting way was my solution to keep from feeling to feeling fear and getting hurt. Right. Right.

01;12;49;27 - 01;12;51;07
Sam
Giving you the courage to.

01;12;51;09 - 01;12;56;12
Lisa
Yeah. Yeah. And wasn't even courage. It's a fake courage. Yeah, right, right. Yeah.

01;12;56;18 - 01;13;00;07
Raymell
But if you put it on, everybody else thinks right. I mean, they'll back.

01;13;00;07 - 01;13;29;07
Lisa
Up, right? But then what am I doing? Everybody? Why me? Do I want to have that know? Now? It's hard to be vulnerable when you're playing like you're King Kong really is. You know, it's it's hard to get close to people and have those relationships and build on them. Right. Friendships. And in the end, we're all just one human trying to help another human stay sober one more day.

01;13;29;08 - 01;13;30;24
Lisa
Right? Right. In The end.

01;13;30;24 - 01;13;58;25
Sam
That's yeah, that's my that's actually my prayer every morning. Is that that God you take care of. But would you care for me? You know what? I got it. You know what I got to go through? You know what I have coming up? So what can I do to be of service to you? Absolutely. And In that. You know, and I remember Jay said on the podcast as well, you know, he used it when he would get in self-pity.

01;13;58;25 - 01;14;05;07
Sam
He he would say, okay, what can I do for somebody else? And that helped him get get out of that lonely, you know.

01;14;05;07 - 01;14;09;22
Lisa
So the way to get out of your head is to reach out and work with somebody else.

01;14;09;23 - 01;14;10;05
Sam
Yeah.

01;14;10;09 - 01;14;39;15
Lisa
You know, if you're feeling sorry about yourself financially, go talk to some homeless people That got it really bad, right? If you're feeling bad about your, your work, go and, you know, reach out with people that just do volunteer work. Yeah. Yeah, right. You're complaining your feet hurt. You know, you talk to the guy with no feet. Well, that's how they always said, you know, even biblical, always.

01;14;39;28 - 01;14;43;13
Lisa
There's always going to be somebody That's your.

01;14;43;14 - 01;14;44;08
Raymell
Shot at worse thing.

01;14;44;23 - 01;14;45;02
Lisa
Yeah.

01;14;45;03 - 01;14;45;13
Raymell
Yeah.

01;14;45;23 - 01;14;53;14
Lisa
And really, since we are sober, we kind of have first world problems, right? Yeah. Well.

01;14;53;28 - 01;14;55;08
Sam
Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

01;14;56;03 - 01;15;03;06
Raymell
And we got first world help. Yeah. And all of right that we learn that normies just don't have a chance to.

01;15;03;08 - 01;15;11;05
Lisa
Learn the coping skills. I think everybody on planet earth should go through this steps one. Right, right.

01;15;11;09 - 01;15;12;16
Raymell
Right, right. Yeah.

01;15;12;21 - 01;15;15;19
Lisa
We probably not have wars anymore.

01;15;15;20 - 01;15;18;04
Raymell
No definitely not. Cause know.

01;15;19;27 - 01;15;25;21
Lisa
Like, the war is just one person started talking shit to the other person.

01;15;26;24 - 01;15;29;05
Sam
Because this person wanted what this person had.

01;15;29;07 - 01;15;30;11
Lisa
Absolutely.

01;15;30;19 - 01;15;32;20
Raymell
No idea about this person's side of the street.

01;15;32;22 - 01;15;43;25
Lisa
Yeah. And had they worked the steps, they would understand, you know, live and let live back off. Let them be them religious reasons. We we have wars over religion, right?

01;15;43;26 - 01;15;44;12
Raymell
Oh yeah.

01;15;44;21 - 01;15;45;20
Sam
Most war started like.

01;15;45;23 - 01;15;52;05
Lisa
Yeah, but if we just say higher power, everything everybody on planet.

01;15;52;05 - 01;15;53;21
Raymell
Earth just said higher.

01;15;53;21 - 01;15;57;09
Lisa
Higher power, right. And it could be whatever you want, right?

01;15;57;12 - 01;15;58;01
Raymell
Yeah, right.

01;15;59;03 - 01;16;01;10
Lisa
Yeah. Love, peace and happiness.

01;16;01;15 - 01;16;04;15
Raymell
Yeah.

01;16;04;15 - 01;16;05;17
Sam
I think you have a point.

01;16;08;00 - 01;16;16;16
Lisa
To two rich men arguing at. That's how wars get started to rich, man. You can shit to each other.

01;16;16;17 - 01;16;18;04
Raymell
Yeah No.

01;16;18;09 - 01;16;35;17
Sam
Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. So before we go, I just, you know, we talked about everything, you know, going through, but how are you doing now? And what's the biggest thing that you get to see that you may have missed when you were using?

01;16;35;29 - 01;17;04;02
Lisa
Oh, my gosh, my kids, my kids and my grandkids growing like my kids when I was really got into my disease, they were one, two and three. Yeah, I didn't get clean until they were 18, 19 and 20 adults. Yeah. And my son got clean when I got clean the first time in 2005, and he stayed clean for ten years.

01;17;04;19 - 01;17;30;22
Lisa
But, um, I'm going to tell you something this simple. My kids wanted me to go to Disneyland with my daughter Megan, me to go with her and her kids right at that time. Sienna is a little older now, but at that time I think she was like seven, right? And so I'm holding her with the princesses going by.

01;17;30;23 - 01;17;56;09
Lisa
Yeah. And the look of joy on on her face. I'm going to get emotional. And all I could do at that point was turn around and look at my daughter and say, I'm sorry. Right, right. I am sorry. I never, never saw that look of joy on her face, ever, you know? And so I say, God, I'm so sorry.

01;17;56;09 - 01;18;24;03
Lisa
You're like, How how can I fix this? How can I amend it? Right, Right. And that's why being good to look at being able to pay attention to other children, right? Yeah. Watching that look of just pure joy, right? Yeah. My Little grandson when he comes running. We got a picture of him on the the ring camera. Mm hmm.

01;18;24;03 - 01;18;26;04
Lisa
He's in just his underwear.

01;18;26;17 - 01;18;26;28
Raymell
You know.

01;18;27;02 - 01;18;52;03
Lisa
And sounds like a boy. A Spiderman costume. Right. So he's got, like, the Spiderman thing. Oh, it's got a cape. It's not the real Spider-Man because it had, like, a cape on it. Right? And he's in underwear comes all running across the ring. Right. Running into the house. And I was my eyes like just another day at the Sierra as well.

01;18;52;21 - 01;18;57;14
Raymell
Hey, that's right. That's right. But he was having an amazing, amazing time.

01;18;58;04 - 01;19;13;28
Lisa
An amazing time. And I got to realize, like, no matter what what's going on in the world, he couldn't give two shits about Russia and the Ukraine. Right. And that his grandma is a dope fiend.

01;19;13;28 - 01;19;15;05
Sam
This person said this.

01;19;15;12 - 01;19;20;29
Lisa
Yeah. He could give two shits left. He was Spider-Man and he was saving the world.

01;19;21;00 - 01;19;22;13
Raymell
Yeah, right. That's right.

01;19;23;15 - 01;19;39;15
Sam
Yeah, that's a highlight. Yeah. That for me to just listening to my boys, you know, I thought about it the other day because I could hear them giggling in the room and we're like, Go to sleep. My wife's a big stickler about them going to sleep on time because she's got to deal with them in the morning. Yeah.

01;19;39;27 - 01;20;02;09
Sam
And so she's on them about, you know, go to sleep and we're in the room and we hear they sleep over here, I sleep over here. And so they are giggling and just, you know, just talking and laughing and just poking at each other. And it's so great to hear. And I just thought about, you know, my boys are twins.

01;20;03;12 - 01;20;15;15
Sam
It's like having a sleepover every night, every night that that that joy that you had when you got to sleep at your cousin's. So you're, you know, as a kid, you know, or your whatever, you know.

01;20;15;21 - 01;20;31;01
Lisa
And I've got a set of twins and like you said I one of the things that pure joy right hearing them, they don't even think anybody else says around talking and little little making no.

01;20;31;01 - 01;20;34;01
Raymell
Yeah yeah. Get it.

01;20;34;04 - 01;20;37;13
Lisa
They're both happier than pink punch. Yeah, they are good.

01;20;37;14 - 01;21;01;00
Sam
That's the good thing about twins is the worst thing about twins is like the first is absolutely horrible is the worst feeling in the world. It is bad. There was no no ha moment like when they were born. It was like I had to go, you know. And so it was from then on you work about a year.

01;21;01;01 - 01;21;01;08
Sam
Yeah.

01;21;01;18 - 01;21;03;20
Lisa
For 365 days.

01;21;03;20 - 01;21;38;04
Sam
Especially my wife, you know, she's the one who really, really took the brunt of it because I got to go back to work. Right. You know, And so but after the year, it got so easy. Yeah. You know, it's something that, you know, single parents with single kids, you know, or one kid only, um, only child, you know, don't get, you know, they got to entertain them, which these guys, I mean we, we had a place in our, in our, in our old house and we would corner off with gates with a dog gates and we would just leave them in there.

01;21;38;04 - 01;21;48;12
Sam
And they had all their toys spread across. So then we go to the toilet toy and they would play. I mean, you could just leave them in there for hours and just make sure they they changed diaper and they and they and.

01;21;48;19 - 01;21;54;05
Raymell
That's so unfair. Like, my kids are far apart. So, yeah, my kids want to play with us. Yeah, you know.

01;21;55;05 - 01;21;56;09
Sam
That's what I'm talking about.

01;21;56;09 - 01;22;01;11
Raymell
But I'm I'm quick to go to my brother's house and I can play with, like. Yeah.

01;22;01;25 - 01;22;02;25
Lisa
Absolutely.

01;22;03;02 - 01;22;05;04
Sam
Well, thank you, Lisa. I really appreciate.

01;22;05;04 - 01;22;05;20
Lisa
It. Pleasure.

01;22;05;22 - 01;22;25;12
Sam
Since I started this podcast, you were my number one guest, but I wanted to get a couple underneath me before I actually got you in here. So that would be more prepared for you because I wanted to make sure that we could. I at least did it a little bit better than just starting out with you because I really wanted to start out with you.

01;22;26;00 - 01;22;59;17
Sam
You were somebody that I admired within the program You're living it every day. You know, 15 plus years is pretty tough to see that in a room when you only have one day. It can be overwhelming. But when you get a couple of days on underneath you and then you start getting to nine months and ten months or whatever, I haven't got the ten months yet, but when you get to that, it's like, okay, you know, this is what I have to look forward.

01;22;59;17 - 01;23;12;20
Lisa
To, right? But you both need to understand that the guy that comes in with one day still shaking. Yeah, crying, literally crying.

01;23;12;24 - 01;23;14;12
Sam
Just had his worst day of his life because.

01;23;14;12 - 01;23;18;25
Lisa
He's so emotional and all he wants to do is drink.

01;23;18;25 - 01;23;19;07
Raymell
You know.

01;23;19;25 - 01;23;29;12
Lisa
Me talking to him, coming from 15 years, he's like, What the fuck do you know about what I'm feeling? Yeah, you guys.

01;23;29;20 - 01;23;30;22
Raymell
That were just there.

01;23;30;26 - 01;23;44;10
Lisa
You guys, you guys can help that guy, right? Because it it hasn't been so long that, you know, people say you forget where you came from. I don't.

01;23;44;19 - 01;23;45;06
Raymell
Yeah, Yeah.

01;23;45;23 - 01;24;07;03
Lisa
I came from was hell, and I didn't want to go to hell with big and he's not. But for the new guy, like I that's why I try to get you guys always open up. Share with the new guy. It doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's the truth.

01;24;07;05 - 01;24;07;16
Raymell
Yeah.

01;24;07;22 - 01;24;30;20
Sam
Yeah. And I got to be honest, I do feel sometimes like when I would come back because I got quite a bit and when I would come back, even though I had already, you know, graduated the program that if there was a lot of people, especially when there's family nights, I felt like they should get the seat and I didn't ever want it.

01;24;30;20 - 01;24;55;05
Sam
And I wanted time for them to be able to share. But I've noticed that when when, you know, being in the room and and me sharing, you know, because I have had people come up to me and told me, Oh, thanks for saying that or whatever, you know, they, something clicked with them or whatever. And yeah, it is helpful because then I remember when I saw the guy that had 300 days, right?

01;24;55;08 - 01;25;01;07
Sam
And I was like, Wow, Because 300 days is like, Yeah, that's why I was so excited about it, because it was like right.

01;25;01;10 - 01;25;22;04
Lisa
It's something that you never thought you'd attain, right? That's like and that only people like us get it because we never in our wildest dreams believed that it was possible, right? Not even I didn't even think I'd live to be that sold, to tell you the truth.

01;25;22;06 - 01;25;22;23
Sam
Right. You know.

01;25;23;19 - 01;25;30;03
Lisa
If I'd have known that I was going to live this long, I might have been nicer to my body right?

01;25;30;03 - 01;25;30;17
Raymell
Right.

01;25;30;29 - 01;25;43;08
Lisa
But with the life that we were leading. Right. I figured either the heart would stop from the drugs, Bolivar would quit from the drinking. You know, there was gonna be something.

01;25;43;10 - 01;25;50;11
Raymell
I figured I'd be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was always in the wrong places, Right? You know, I Yeah.

01;25;50;19 - 01;25;51;25
Lisa
Yeah, absolutely.

01;25;52;01 - 01;25;54;20
Sam
Well, thank you, Lisa, for that pledge.

01;25;54;24 - 01;25;55;14
Raymell
So it was fun.

01;25;56;00 - 01;25;57;00
Lisa
Right? I mean, yeah.

01;25;57;01 - 01;26;05;16
Sam
In a in a couple of months or a year from now or whatever in the future, we want to bring you back and yeah, we can keep going. See where we're at.

01;26;05;23 - 01;26;06;15
Lisa
My husband.

01;26;06;19 - 01;26;08;12
Sam
Yeah. Yeah.

01;26;08;12 - 01;26;09;26
Lisa
You'd have a really good time.

01;26;10;00 - 01;26;13;13
Sam
Yeah. Was that. I have to put that Mike like.

01;26;14;06 - 01;26;17;08
Raymell
You know, put my, my backing.

01;26;17;11 - 01;26;17;20
Sam
Away.

01;26;18;01 - 01;26;21;14
Lisa
Yeah, absolutely.

01;26;21;17 - 01;26;22;10
Sam
All right, Lisa.

01;26;22;10 - 01;26;22;26
Lisa
Thank you.

01;26;23;07 - 01;26;31;19
Raymell
Bye, guys.