In this episode, I talk with Lenny, who is in recovery from alcohol. Lenny has undergone a lot of change in the last few months, and it's been an incredible journey.
In this episode, we discuss Lenny's progress in sobering up, his struggles during detox, and his journey to regain control of his life. Lenny shares with us his thoughts on recovery, how he lost almost everything, and how his experience has changed him.
Watch this episode to get ready for the roller coaster that is alcohol addiction, and to hear from someone who has been there and survived!
#thelifeofaddictionrecovery #addictionrecovery #addictionrecoveryandthefamily #myaddictionstoryandrecoveryjourney #inthelifeofaddictionrecovery #dryjanuary #stopdrinkingexpert #quitalcohol #addictionstories #quittingalcohol #isalcoholismadisease #isalcoholismadiseaseorachoice #alcoholismrecovery #alcoholaddiction #howtostopdrinkingalcohol
https://recoverycheckins.com
To watch go to https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN2HkhKyzBkNzgtrmH95HqQ or go to https://www.recoverycheckins.com for more info.
In this episode, I talk with Lenny, who is in recovery from alcohol. Lenny has undergone a lot of change in the last few months, and it's been an incredible journey.
In this episode, we discuss Lenny's progress in sobering up, his struggles during detox, and his journey to regain control of his life. Lenny shares with us his thoughts on recovery, how he lost almost everything, and how his experience has changed him.
Watch this episode to get ready for the roller coaster that is alcohol addiction, and to hear from someone who has been there and survived!
#thelifeofaddictionrecovery #addictionrecovery #addictionrecoveryandthefamily #myaddictionstoryandrecoveryjourney #inthelifeofaddictionrecovery #dryjanuary #stopdrinkingexpert #quitalcohol #addictionstories #quittingalcohol #isalcoholismadisease #isalcoholismadiseaseorachoice #alcoholismrecovery #alcoholaddiction #howtostopdrinkingalcohol
https://recoverycheckins.com
To watch go to https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN2HkhKyzBkNzgtrmH95HqQ or go to https://www.recoverycheckins.com for more info.
00:00:56:21 - 00:00:58:12
Speaker 1
Um. How you doing, Lenny?
00:00:58:16 - 00:00:59:01
Speaker 2
Good.
00:00:59:01 - 00:01:00:10
Speaker 2
Good. Thanks for having me.
00:01:00:11 - 00:01:05:01
Speaker 1
Yeah, man. Thanks for coming on. Appreciate it. Um, how many days if.
00:01:05:17 - 00:01:07:10
Speaker 2
I get 61 days today?
00:01:07:14 - 00:01:08:02
Speaker 1
Really?
00:01:08:02 - 00:01:09:05
Speaker 4
Congratulations.
00:01:09:05 - 00:01:09:21
Speaker 2
Congrats.
00:01:10:06 - 00:01:12:22
Speaker 1
Yeah. 60 day marker. Man, That's huge.
00:01:13:06 - 00:01:15:06
Speaker 3
Yo, yo. I can't believe it myself.
00:01:15:08 - 00:01:38:00
Speaker 1
I know that it was. I know that it was big for me. Sorry. I'm looking at my days. I forgot to look at that. But, yeah, I remember. That was. That was like a turning point for me. I know people say sometimes it's 90 days. Sometimes it's 30 days. But I take a ride around this. About 60. 30 to 60 day mark is when, like, a light bulb went on.
00:01:38:13 - 00:01:39:16
Speaker 3
You're so right, man.
00:01:40:04 - 00:01:40:11
Speaker 2
It's.
00:01:41:03 - 00:02:01:23
Speaker 3
It's a psychic change. It's what the big book says. Yeah, and it really did happen. One of my favorite stories in the big book is when Bill's buddy came to see him and he couldn't believe it. He said, It's my buddy, but he couldn't recognize who he was because his eyes were bright and he said his skin was fresh.
00:02:01:23 - 00:02:23:08
Speaker 3
And, uh, you know what? That's what happens. Uh, but this program will do that If you work it, it'll change that. I've never thought this clear in my whole frickin life. I love it. I really do. And, uh, imagine that. Oh, I think. God, the obsession is completely gone now. Now I'm working.
00:02:23:08 - 00:02:24:02
Speaker 2
On who.
00:02:24:03 - 00:02:51:00
Speaker 3
Lenny is, and that, uh. That's okay, you know, And the big book gives me tools to be successful and working on it. And, you know, it's just, you know, you'd have to. You'd have to walk where I've walked and stuff, and everybody's got their own own walk that everyone's on a spiritual journey, whether they choose to admit that or not.
00:02:51:00 - 00:03:07:14
Speaker 3
And that's that's where Lenny said, you know, I began looking when I came into the program, I began looking, and I was skeptical, but I began looking at who who looked like they had their shit together. Yeah. And, uh. Am I allowed to say that? Yeah.
00:03:08:05 - 00:03:13:01
Speaker 2
Yeah. Excuse me. Oh, you're good.
00:03:13:19 - 00:03:29:09
Speaker 3
I wasn't judging them, but I was seeing if there was proof in the pudding. I want to. I want to see who was doing it. So I. I picked out a few people that looked like they were doing it, and sure enough, they were doing it. And I got up next to them to find out what they were doing.
00:03:29:09 - 00:03:49:04
Speaker 3
And all of them had the same common thread. You have to get a sponsor and you have to get a big book and a 12 by 12, and you've got to work this program. It's a plan. It's a plan of recovery. Well, I came in with the misconception. I thought I'll be cured. This is going to cure Lenny.
00:03:49:04 - 00:04:19:17
Speaker 3
And I thought, Yeah, I can use the cure. But it's not a cure. It's. It's a treatment. I if you're an alcoholic like Lenny, you had the disease of addiction. You've got an allergy. And unfortunately, I can't drink like a normal person can drink. And, uh, you can ask my ex-wife, drink like a normal person drinks. And, uh, the program has absolutely helped me.
00:04:20:13 - 00:04:44:11
Speaker 3
Uh, begin putting my life together the right way. There's three key variables to, uh, to really entering into have an intimate relationship with the higher power. And the higher power turns a lot of people off. And I get it right. You know, I do that. You've got to have an open mind. You've got to be willing and you've got to be honest.
00:04:45:04 - 00:05:09:12
Speaker 3
And just the slightest little bit of willingness puts you on the bridge of you travel to where you can see the land, the faith. And if you want a faith that works, you have to work this program. But it happens. It begins happening. And with some people, from what I understand, it happens quickly. Then all of a sudden they really get it right.
00:05:09:12 - 00:05:40:23
Speaker 3
That didn't happen with me. And, you know, I've got all kinds of variety of friends and I've got friends that are good, good Christian, God believing friends, but they don't understand this disease. And I believe that my higher power could eradicate this disease from Lenny's body and life in a nanosecond. There's no question about it. I believe my higher power created everything, and a lot of people call him the God of the universe.
00:05:40:23 - 00:06:11:03
Speaker 3
You know, I have my higher power. I believe he created the universe. That's right. But the you've got to you've got to submit, because if you don't work it spiritually, it's the glue that puts it all together in your lives. And the people that have been alcoholics don't understand. They can't relate to an addict or an alcoholic. They don't know what it's like to be sick and want to get better.
00:06:11:13 - 00:06:32:09
Speaker 3
They don't know what it's like to wake up in the morning. Absolutely shake until you get one or two drinks inside of you to calm you down. Uh, it got so bad with me that, uh, I had to use two hands. And even then, with the cup of coffee, even then, it was bad. Oh, I was. I'm such a liar, man.
00:06:32:15 - 00:06:54:18
Speaker 3
You know, there's so many character defects in me that my higher power is dealing with. And I pray every morning. I pray the third step prayer. I pray God build with me and do with me as you will remove from me all these physical character defects that I have and use me in the avenue you want to use me in.
00:06:55:13 - 00:07:04:22
Speaker 3
And I. I told the cause I love to eat breakfast, so I eat out all the time. Breakfast is my meal, man.
00:07:05:13 - 00:07:07:10
Speaker 4
Times a day. If I could, I will.
00:07:07:10 - 00:07:33:10
Speaker 3
I've budgeted my money to be able to retire and to have breakfast. I know it was the social life for me, and I got to know all these little waitresses and they're great little girls. And one of them came up to me and she said, Well, I'll tell you what she said. And she told me, she said, Lenny, I had a friend that should like you should.
00:07:34:06 - 00:07:50:16
Speaker 3
And it was because of alcohol. And she explained to me what was happening to my body with it. So being the liar that I am, I said, Oh, I can see that. I said, But what's going on with Lenny is I have borderline Parkinson right now.
00:07:50:17 - 00:07:52:22
Speaker 2
Oh wow.
00:07:53:16 - 00:08:16:13
Speaker 3
Well that when you tell one lie, yeah, it goes through another lie. And so anyhow, after multiple months of being tested and everything, because Lyn's got Parkinson's, I finally got tired of the bullshit, tired of the lie. And I told my doctor, I said, I don't have Parkinson. And I got honest with him. I said, Here's my problem.
00:08:17:05 - 00:08:42:07
Speaker 3
I drink real heavy. And I said, I know that what cures the shake? And Lenny is drinking. And I said, What cures this nauseous feeling? Because they gave me pills because I was nauseous all the time. Yeah, well, I was detoxing. Yeah. And your body alcohol is different than, than other drugs is what I'm taught. Where it's in body and your mind, it impacts the entire man or woman.
00:08:42:07 - 00:09:12:13
Speaker 3
It, uh. It's not a respecter of organs at all, you know? And so I got honest with him and he said, okay, so my ex-wife at the time had a friend who was a, uh, a neural doctor, and it was hard to get in to see her, but I went in and I got honest with her, too. And I told her, I said, Look, I don't have persons, but I said, They're insisting this one religious firm or not religious, but medical firm was insisting I did.
00:09:12:23 - 00:09:45:08
Speaker 3
And I knew good and well I didn't. And so they did a dopamine test on your brain. There's a test out there that they can put on your brain, and it'll tell you them. It'll measure the amount of dopamine and how it travels and yada, yada, yada. I don't understand the whole thing, but, uh, a couple of weeks went by and they called us and I went in and she said, Uh, uh, I won't give you my last name, but she said, Mr. So-and-so, you don't have persons.
00:09:45:15 - 00:10:02:08
Speaker 3
And I said, That's what I've been telling all these doctors. I knew what it was. I really did. Um, but I don't I don't know where I'm going with that other than the. This is recovery with Sam, right?
00:10:02:09 - 00:10:03:23
Speaker 2
Yeah. That's nice.
00:10:04:02 - 00:10:50:23
Speaker 1
Yeah, it is. Uh, you know, you had mentioned the. The higher power thing, and it goes back to that original first step. And I think what people that don't understand, what we, what we go through with alcoholism, they get to understand it in other areas of their life. I think that if they substituted the word alcohol wisdom for anything, you know, um, buying too many things, just, uh, being jealous of somebody if, uh, you know, not you can put a bunch of things in there.
00:10:51:19 - 00:11:35:20
Speaker 1
You know, I'm powerless over my cell phone, you know, and I think people have things that are that they are powerless over. Um, and I think that the people, uh, were powerless over, over, over alcohol. And I think going back to them not understanding or have an issue with the higher power issue, it I see that as a maybe I'm wrong in this, but I see that as Debbie issue with letting go of control of, of understanding and willing to admit that they are powerless over or whatever it is for us.
00:11:35:20 - 00:11:37:02
Speaker 1
It's alcohol, drugs.
00:11:37:02 - 00:12:14:16
Speaker 3
You know, you're right. And if, if, if, if you're a the educated variety and the big book talks about, uh, there's there's a knowledge that's given that was given back in the 1300s, I believe, and it's called the Seven Deadly Sins. And the, the church is the one that adopted that. But its application is true for all of humanity because it talks about greed and sloth and pride and fruitfulness and lust.
00:12:15:07 - 00:12:44:19
Speaker 3
It deals with those. And, uh, you know, just being powerless over alcohol. You come to believe that a power grid and yourself can restore you to sanity. That will happen. It really will. If once you decide that you're powerless, then logically, if you just look at it from a logical or intellectual point of view, if you're powerless and you want to be successful and find the solution, you've got to find something that's got the power right.
00:12:45:05 - 00:12:46:02
Speaker 3
And, uh.
00:12:46:17 - 00:12:53:02
Speaker 1
By default, if it's not you, if it's not, you know, then there has to be something greater than you that does.
00:12:53:17 - 00:13:15:11
Speaker 3
And, you know, the step one and step two are acceptance steps. You got to have them and you got to have them ingrained within you. When you make a decision. I challenge you when you make a decision that you're powerless over alcohol, drugs and alcohol. Um, you've got to mean it.
00:13:16:01 - 00:13:17:22
Speaker 4
No, that's the only way for it to work.
00:13:18:05 - 00:13:51:02
Speaker 3
You have to work that step one 100%. And most sponsors real adamant about it. Uh, you've got to work, you've got to be exhaustive in it. You've got to work that 100%. Because what happens is the way the steps are structured, you're coming to a place where the steps are developing you to make a decision. And if you think about the concept of making a decision, a decisions based on fact, now we all know the equation I over E over intellect, over emotion equals a good decision.
00:13:51:02 - 00:14:16:17
Speaker 3
Emotion over intellect equals a bad decision. But you made a decision to turn your will in your life over to the care of God as you understand Him, as you understand him and the it's an action statement. Because another way of saying it is you made a decision to turn your thoughts and your actions over to the will of God as you understand it.
00:14:17:02 - 00:14:40:22
Speaker 3
And there would be those that would argue that you can put thoughts and actions in there. But my argument in rebuttal would be when someone makes a last will and testimony, they're transcribing the thoughts in their mind, in their will, and that's what they're doing and that's what their last wishes are. And your life is your actions. What do you do?
00:14:41:01 - 00:14:41:23
Speaker 3
How do you do it?
00:14:42:09 - 00:14:43:03
Speaker 1
Your behavior.
00:14:43:03 - 00:15:03:19
Speaker 3
Yeah, you know, and so, yeah, I thank God that I didn't have a problem with higher power, but I've got a lot of friends in the programs that, uh, initially they do. But even the big book says if you're just a little bit willing, just a little bit willing, then it'll happen for you.
00:15:04:06 - 00:15:04:14
Speaker 2
Yeah.
00:15:05:08 - 00:15:06:00
Speaker 1
I'm sorry.
00:15:06:02 - 00:15:40:12
Speaker 4
Go ahead. And I was going to say that so many people get hung up because of, you know, the term, you know, God, the title God. And yeah, a lot of times it comes from people's prior relationships, things that have happened to them in the church and just different situations as they're coming up. And I know it makes it a little bit easier for a lot of people when you kind of tell them a power greater than you and the fact that it's to your understanding, because I've been in a room where, you know, where it's been explained to where that group that's in that room with you is a power is a power higher
00:15:40:12 - 00:15:43:01
Speaker 4
than yourself. And itself right there.
00:15:43:02 - 00:15:45:03
Speaker 3
Rebel That's in the 12 by 12 you can do.
00:15:45:04 - 00:15:45:14
Speaker 4
Yes.
00:15:45:15 - 00:15:46:12
Speaker 3
You can do that.
00:15:46:12 - 00:16:06:06
Speaker 4
But when we do that and sometimes that eases people in a little bit more, right? Because they are a little put off by that. That's a big title, you know, for a lot of people to deal with. But that step, like you were saying earlier, and it's it's kind of like all these things are building your home. They're building this structure that you're going to live your life in.
00:16:06:12 - 00:16:17:21
Speaker 4
And that's your foundation, right? If you don't get that 100% right and you start building on top of it, there's going to be cracks, there's going to be wobbles. It's very important to get that first step.
00:16:17:21 - 00:16:47:17
Speaker 3
This this program is about service freedom absolutely comes when you enter into service, whether it's picking up the trash, pouring coffee, working as a secretary, working as a greeter. You know, it it really does. And the reason I know that so is because this same men and women that I've been watching that have convinced me to go ahead and enter in 100% linen and this will work.
00:16:48:21 - 00:17:02:06
Speaker 3
That's what they do. They, uh, they say it keeps them sober. They look for newcomers because newcomers remind them of when they came back. You have years for you.
00:17:02:06 - 00:17:03:05
Speaker 4
Don't get too far away.
00:17:03:13 - 00:17:24:20
Speaker 3
It reminds them of. It's still thick out there. Yeah, it is. And, you know, we're the big book suggests that we pray for those that are still sick and suffering. Uh, ask them in your morning meditations what you can do for the men who still suffering the answers will come if your own house is in order. Obviously, you can't give something that you haven't got.
00:17:25:14 - 00:17:47:21
Speaker 3
Uh, you know, when we pray that and then we pray God take my will and just get away from it, you be God, I'll be the kid, and I want to do what you do. And you open that door to it. The door closes again, but then you just simply reopen it. And it seems like each time you open the door, it gets a little bit wider and more acceptable.
00:17:48:10 - 00:17:53:13
Speaker 3
And God does for us what we can't do for ourselves. He really does.
00:17:54:05 - 00:18:27:02
Speaker 1
Yeah. I think that, uh, you hit the nail on the head. Uh, the other day. I was just going to say that, you know, what would allows you to get to that place is that gift of desperation. When you're at is when you're on fire, when your ass is on fire. So you know, when you're you know, when you have tried everything else, when you have tried your own willpower, when you have tried church, uh, or, you know, going every Sunday religiously, you know, and I'm not saying don't go to church.
00:18:27:06 - 00:18:59:15
Speaker 1
That's something that I, I do advocate doing. Um, but what I'm saying is, is that and with this you actually get tools and you learn some things giving your will over to God. That, for me became a byproduct because I had no no more to give. I had I was so desperate. I didn't I couldn't rely on anything else.
00:18:59:23 - 00:19:21:06
Speaker 1
I didn't have anything else that was helping me because I've tried multiple things and nothing else worked. So when you're when you've gone and you've dug yourself a hole and you've dug yourself so deep and this one thing is saying, here's my hand, Let me let me help you out of there.
00:19:21:12 - 00:19:22:01
Speaker 3
Agree with.
00:19:22:01 - 00:19:26:16
Speaker 1
This. You know, that's really the only thing that's that's down there with you grabbing you to piggyback.
00:19:26:19 - 00:19:50:14
Speaker 3
I agree with you. You know, then if, uh, if you hit a bottom like Lenny hit a bottom of, you know, a I love my ex-wife with all my heart, she has every right, every right to be upset with me. Divorce me. Do what needs to be done. And I don't hold your feelings. Well, you know, when you're in it.
00:19:50:14 - 00:19:55:17
Speaker 3
And if you're an alcoholic, like. Like I am, and I'm. There's I'm not unique.
00:19:55:17 - 00:19:58:19
Speaker 2
He, you know.
00:19:58:19 - 00:20:33:10
Speaker 3
You would never lie to somebody you love. You wouldn't do that. That I did. Oh, yeah. I lied, and I'm going to quit. And then soon. This should go to work, man. I'd get that bottle out and I'd start hitting it, and I'd hide it in different places strategically, you know, it's insane. It's a sickness. Yeah. You know, the the way it was explained to me is we have a disease physically is where we first recognize it, but yet it's also impacting us mentally.
00:20:33:15 - 00:20:52:12
Speaker 3
And it's a vicious circle between the mental and the physical, because when the physical begins hurting, it begins crying out and the mental begins saying, Hey, you remember? Do you remember? I know what I know what'll cure that. I know I don't what to make that feel better for you, Right? And then the body says, Yeah, you know what?
00:20:52:12 - 00:21:07:17
Speaker 3
You're right. And then the will comes in and you realize. Hunter, powerless. Yeah, I killed me. Yeah. And that's where God steps in. And that's where the willingness opens the door for you. And it the.
00:21:08:11 - 00:21:29:16
Speaker 1
Yeah, I was just sorry to interrupt you. I was just going to say you mentioned because we all have hurt our loved ones. That's what those are, the people that get hurt the most other than us. And just like we lied to them, I did the biggest thing or the biggest person we lie to is ourselves.
00:21:29:22 - 00:21:30:20
Speaker 3
Oh, that's true.
00:21:31:06 - 00:21:42:08
Speaker 1
You know, lying to ourselves. How could we how could we be an honest and forthcoming person to our loved ones when we weren't honest with ourselves?
00:21:43:05 - 00:22:17:13
Speaker 3
That's very true. You know, when I read the chapter to the Agnostics in the big book, uh, my my sponsor insisted that I read it, and I did. And what I discovered within it contained within its pages. I'm not an agnostic. That's what you do, but it would speak to me about it. And one of the things that stood out the most to me was, you know, religious organizations that are really religious in that relationship that turn a lot of people off.
00:22:17:18 - 00:22:40:09
Speaker 3
They make people, they burn people. It just it leaves them a bad taste. And then they group the entirety of all that. They call themselves Christian relationships, and they group them all together. And I'm guilty and they group them all together. But here's what here's what the big book says in the letter to the agnostic. Don't hold ill feelings.
00:22:40:09 - 00:23:13:06
Speaker 3
I'm paraphrasing, Don't hold your feelings against religious organizations because they are having success in certain things and they are doing good in certain things. And when I read that, it changed my outlook and my attitude because it is true. The difference between what I have found in this program is I found relationship. No, you know, it's it's a relationship.
00:23:13:10 - 00:23:17:07
Speaker 1
It's a it's a it's an intentional connection with your heart.
00:23:17:07 - 00:23:44:21
Speaker 3
I agree. Yeah. Well said. And yeah, that, uh, you know, and, uh, it's really strange because, uh, I have never heard God speak my higher power speak to Lynnie audibly. I never have. But I have felt the words be impressed in me that I knew what I feel like. I know what he was saying, you know? And, uh, I've got a long ways to go.
00:23:45:15 - 00:24:22:09
Speaker 3
It's day by day. I don't look at yesterday. I don't want to close the door on it because the wreckage of my past has got me where I'm at today. I think God for where I'm at today. It's been one more day sober. I don't look into tomorrow because tomorrow was sufficient for the things. That's good. I've there's a guy in the program that man he's got a lot of time and is quality he really is is so mellow and he told me in a meeting one time he leaned forward and he said, Lenny, I want you to take a deep breath and hold it.
00:24:22:15 - 00:24:43:05
Speaker 3
And so I then I let it out. And he said, Now let me take a deep breath tomorrow and hold it. And I said, Well, so-and-so, that's impossible. And he said, My point exactly. You don't know what tomorrow's breath will be, but you know what today's breath would be? You know, amid a lot of people, it really did.
00:24:44:06 - 00:24:45:21
Speaker 2
Yeah.
00:24:45:21 - 00:25:17:21
Speaker 1
Yeah. It it it's cool to see when you get around people that have more time than you, you know, And it's from all walks of life that you really get to you get to to get something from everybody has something to offer. And that's what's so good about the community, the fellowship part of it. That was a big, uh, a big game changer for me, you know, because you guys see me in the rooms now and in the rooms now I'm outgoing.
00:25:19:08 - 00:25:26:00
Speaker 1
I, uh, I tell jokes, I, you know, talk to people. But when I first went in there, I wasn't like that.
00:25:26:10 - 00:25:27:00
Speaker 3
Like me.
00:25:27:13 - 00:25:29:18
Speaker 1
I was. I was probably worse.
00:25:30:04 - 00:25:32:07
Speaker 4
It's hard for me to even, you know, and you being.
00:25:32:11 - 00:25:33:11
Speaker 1
I just wasn't.
00:25:33:11 - 00:25:34:10
Speaker 4
To yourself.
00:25:34:10 - 00:26:04:00
Speaker 1
Yeah, I was just to myself. I wasn't intentionally trying to be upset or anything. I was at the point of, Hey, I need to something does whatever I'm doing is not working. So I'm going headfirst right now. So, you know, and then it started, you know, I hit that like I was saying, the 30 to 60 day mark where something turned on for me and it's like my perspective changed once that happened.
00:26:04:00 - 00:26:12:16
Speaker 1
It started I, I felt that even deeper peace than I would have already had just from coming off of the alcohol, though.
00:26:12:16 - 00:26:13:21
Speaker 3
Oh, you're so right, Sam.
00:26:13:22 - 00:26:43:04
Speaker 1
And and every so often it increases. I don't know what it is. You know, it's almost because that for a while there, I was waiting for that other shoe to drop. You know, I was waiting for something bad to happen. And, you know, that's not to say that something bad won't happen, but as long as I stay in my lane, stay in my square, stay in my box, keep my side of the street clean, that's all I can do.
00:26:43:06 - 00:26:47:04
Speaker 1
Those things, those bad things are going to happen whether or not I'm drinking.
00:26:47:16 - 00:27:11:15
Speaker 3
So true. Life is life, you know, Life is life. You know, it's interesting, but the the big bill gives us the tools to handle all situations. But there are those times when life is life that you just simply, as my counselor told me. I can say that right. She's full of wisdom. And she really.
00:27:11:15 - 00:27:12:00
Speaker 2
Is.
00:27:13:06 - 00:27:16:08
Speaker 1
She was she was on the, the, the podcast.
00:27:16:08 - 00:27:17:08
Speaker 3
Lisa Yeah.
00:27:17:08 - 00:27:19:06
Speaker 1
So you can actually say her name.
00:27:19:06 - 00:27:20:17
Speaker 3
Oh, yeah. Lisa Lisa.
00:27:20:17 - 00:27:21:09
Speaker 2
Is that's.
00:27:21:09 - 00:27:22:06
Speaker 4
Your sponsor?
00:27:22:06 - 00:27:23:01
Speaker 1
That's your counselor?
00:27:23:01 - 00:27:24:03
Speaker 4
Oh, I was like.
00:27:24:03 - 00:27:25:00
Speaker 2
Whoa, whoa.
00:27:25:02 - 00:27:32:11
Speaker 3
No. Because Lisa Lisa told me you can't have a woman sponsor because, yeah, I guess they slap your buttocks and.
00:27:33:01 - 00:27:33:04
Speaker 2
Or.
00:27:33:14 - 00:27:34:02
Speaker 3
Mintzlaff.
00:27:34:14 - 00:27:34:23
Speaker 2
Right?
00:27:36:02 - 00:27:42:02
Speaker 3
But I got to tell you, if if we could, uh, I'd be knocking down her door. I'd be begging her to death. She is.
00:27:42:19 - 00:27:43:06
Speaker 2
Starting.
00:27:43:12 - 00:27:44:21
Speaker 3
To talk to all she.
00:27:44:21 - 00:27:45:06
Speaker 4
Really.
00:27:45:06 - 00:28:11:06
Speaker 3
Is to talk to. You know, I can't imagine who would say she's not approachable to me. But anyhow, she told me the truth. She told me the truth and I was hurting. I had walked into her office. I had made the decision on the way. And I thought, you know, I love this. I love this girl, and I really do love her in the, you know, not sexually love her, but you know what I'm saying?
00:28:11:06 - 00:28:33:09
Speaker 3
Yeah. And, uh, I respect her. And I thought, you know, I owe her this. And so, uh, I made it a point to come in, and I told the little girl upfront, You know what? I'll wait. And so I waited, and I came back and I walked into her office and I said, I think I told her, uh, I want you to know how much I love you.
00:28:33:12 - 00:28:53:18
Speaker 3
I really love you, but I'm tired of this bullshit. I don't need this program anymore. And she didn't say, Oh, hell any don't go. She didn't do that at all. She said, Well, let's talk for a little bit. And I sat down and I told her what was happening because it was pretty powerful emotionally, what was taking place.
00:28:53:19 - 00:28:54:01
Speaker 3
Right?
00:28:54:01 - 00:28:55:10
Speaker 2
Particular hour. Yeah.
00:28:55:20 - 00:29:20:01
Speaker 3
And it took Lenny, uh, almost three days to walk through this. But with the help of God. Lisa the big book, The 12 by 12, my sponsor, uh, I came through it. I really did. And, uh, I'm so glad I came, but I learned so much in that. But her words to me was Lenny. Sometimes one just simply has to walk through the pain.
00:29:20:22 - 00:29:35:14
Speaker 3
You just have to walk through the pain, and that's what you have to do. Life is life. It really is. I did desire to drink, but it's I. I would have drank if I would have quit, even though I would have I would have went ahead and started drinking again.
00:29:35:14 - 00:29:36:12
Speaker 2
Of course.
00:29:36:12 - 00:29:47:08
Speaker 3
But I didn't do that, you know, And that, uh, the program has saved my life. It's changed my life. It's, uh. It's almost scary. It's so.
00:29:47:14 - 00:29:49:22
Speaker 2
It is, huh?
00:29:49:22 - 00:29:53:05
Speaker 3
You know what I did today, guys? I did laundry today.
00:29:53:13 - 00:29:53:19
Speaker 4
Well.
00:29:54:07 - 00:29:59:21
Speaker 3
Hey. Yeah, but more than just laundry when it got through, being in the dryer, I.
00:29:59:21 - 00:30:02:11
Speaker 2
Folded it in full, but I didn't do that.
00:30:02:13 - 00:30:03:10
Speaker 3
Oh, yes, I did.
00:30:03:10 - 00:30:06:00
Speaker 4
Oh, come on, let's do it all on the same day.
00:30:06:12 - 00:30:13:20
Speaker 3
Yeah. Not only that, the dishes had been in my seat for the last two or three weeks. They weren't growing mold or anything because I was pouring.
00:30:13:20 - 00:30:16:17
Speaker 2
Water on them.
00:30:16:17 - 00:30:21:00
Speaker 3
I picked those dishes up and I put them in the dishwasher. I didn't start the.
00:30:21:00 - 00:30:25:12
Speaker 2
Dishwasher, but I thought it was a full. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.
00:30:25:20 - 00:30:35:08
Speaker 3
And I walked it to the bathrooms and goes, I live by myself. So I made a decision that the toilets, the lids were going to be open in my bathrooms.
00:30:35:08 - 00:30:36:05
Speaker 2
Yeah. Nice.
00:30:36:05 - 00:30:37:23
Speaker 3
And it felt real powerful.
00:30:37:23 - 00:30:38:03
Speaker 2
When.
00:30:39:06 - 00:30:43:12
Speaker 4
You should just take it off completely mean that.
00:30:43:12 - 00:30:49:21
Speaker 2
Oh, bad. Don't give me any idea what I would do. They said.
00:30:49:21 - 00:30:58:12
Speaker 3
You badgered. Oh gee. But I looked at them and I thought, you know, lady, you probably ought to clean these toilets.
00:30:58:12 - 00:30:58:17
Speaker 2
And I.
00:30:59:11 - 00:31:07:23
Speaker 3
Said, No, I don't think so. Yeah, because I don't have any more gloves. You got to have you got to have gloves.
00:31:07:23 - 00:31:08:13
Speaker 2
If you're ill.
00:31:09:11 - 00:31:36:12
Speaker 3
And you know what I said, I'll that to say the program is, is letting me live again. It's letting me live again and enjoy enjoy things that typically I would have enjoyed. No, I still love my Westerns. I still watch Gunsmoke and Oh, yeah, and all that Rowdy eight men, Rawhide and Have Gun will travel and the Lone Ranger and I still watch my A&E, A Baby.
00:31:36:12 - 00:31:53:08
Speaker 3
I still love these guys and I look forward to sitting down and watching them. But the program lets me be disciplined. I also spend time reading the big book, reading the 12 by 12 and working on the steps for the recovery of Lennie.
00:31:53:08 - 00:31:53:16
Speaker 2
Yeah.
00:31:54:04 - 00:32:02:00
Speaker 3
And that's what you have to do. You have to work on yourself, you have to work it. And it's not hard, but you have to discipline yourself to do it.
00:32:02:05 - 00:32:24:14
Speaker 1
It's rigorous. Yeah, I think the hardest part is the rigorous honesty. You know, with yourself, it's not so much, uh, it it's. It's really digging into, uh, your insecurities, and that's where you can get tough with the beat, to be honest.
00:32:25:10 - 00:32:28:21
Speaker 3
That's the force, that man. Yeah. You know, And I got a to.
00:32:28:23 - 00:32:30:08
Speaker 1
Oh, I'm right there with you, buddy.
00:32:30:16 - 00:32:31:00
Speaker 2
Yeah.
00:32:31:12 - 00:32:33:07
Speaker 4
You guys are both stepping right now.
00:32:33:07 - 00:32:57:03
Speaker 3
Yeah, it, uh, it's. It's been. I got a great sponsor with it. I really do. You know, I learned. I've learned some things during this first step. Apparently, if you're incarcerated, you're listening to this telecast or whatever it is. Um, you know, you can't incriminate yourself by putting in some of the things that you've done that you're ashamed of and that you want to be forgiving of.
00:32:57:03 - 00:33:19:13
Speaker 3
And you want you want to share it with somebody. And so, uh, apparently and you probably know this if you're listening, what you need to do is just put an asterisk down and the asterisk you can assign a new numerical value to it if you want, but the asterisk will remind you of what it is that you need to share with another person and that way it's not written down.
00:33:19:20 - 00:33:21:03
Speaker 4
In the letter you go.
00:33:21:10 - 00:33:48:02
Speaker 3
You know, my sponsor has been really good with it. Um, I've discovered a lot of things about me. The, uh, you know, the four basic temperaments of man is saying one cleric melancholy and phlegmatic. And, uh, in the 12 by 12 believers. Page 4849 right in there it talks about the force that potentially can have an adverse effect.
00:33:48:02 - 00:34:00:06
Speaker 3
And when that happens, it goes on to say that it's typically with people that are slightly depressed and or melancholy, but then it goes on to say it's reverse ego or reversal.
00:34:00:07 - 00:34:00:21
Speaker 2
From, Yeah.
00:34:01:09 - 00:34:02:15
Speaker 3
Well, that pissed me off.
00:34:02:16 - 00:34:03:00
Speaker 2
Yeah.
00:34:04:01 - 00:34:13:12
Speaker 3
And that's how I knew that. You know what It's reverse goes. Yeah. First pride. You know what I have Haven't, uh. It's going to take me a while.
00:34:14:04 - 00:34:26:00
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah, and it should. It's not something that you can just sit down and and do. And then one setting, you know, it should be something that is that you really take some time.
00:34:26:00 - 00:34:27:05
Speaker 3
Because you want to be.
00:34:27:05 - 00:35:06:21
Speaker 1
You want to be. Yeah. You want to be mindful of, of the, of everything that you're doing. But um, at least that's, at least I, you know, if I want to be honest about it, that's what I need to do. I need to really, really think about it and enjoy it all down. But what will also ask your question and that is what was what was going on or not necessarily details, but what was your mindset few days prior to you saying, I got it, You know, I need to get help in stopping the alcohol.
00:35:08:00 - 00:35:29:05
Speaker 3
I've had my family telling me that I had a problem for a long time then bless my ex-wife's heart. You know, if I would listen to her, I would have done something about it that I. I didn't think I had a problem, Sam. I really did. You know, I thought everybody got up in the morning by 30 and and so drinking.
00:35:29:05 - 00:35:31:09
Speaker 2
They don't know. Oh.
00:35:32:04 - 00:35:41:17
Speaker 3
Would COVID hit? No. COVID accelerated my discipline because I was a afternoon drinker, disciplined afternoon, meaning 11:00 right.
00:35:41:17 - 00:35:42:20
Speaker 2
In there, you know.
00:35:43:16 - 00:36:02:06
Speaker 3
But it it accelerated it up to the point where I didn't have a problem having a drink at 5:00 in the morning. Uh, I would discipline myself, though. I would get in there and I would scramble me an egg because I knew I needed to eat something. And as soon as I got that egg down, I started pounding it.
00:36:02:18 - 00:36:04:03
Speaker 3
You know, I just, uh.
00:36:05:14 - 00:36:06:03
Speaker 2
Man.
00:36:06:20 - 00:36:07:23
Speaker 3
What is this.
00:36:08:04 - 00:36:09:02
Speaker 4
Discipline?
00:36:09:02 - 00:36:29:15
Speaker 3
But, uh, I had I had spent numerous times the fire department would come out because I would just black out in the fall. I'd hit my head on the wall or hit my head on the floor. Uh, I'd be in a puddle of blood. I had to be taken to the hospital. I spent five days in the hospital.
00:36:30:07 - 00:36:46:14
Speaker 3
Uh, you know, it was just. It was pure hell. And my family and my wife, the people I loved, it was pure hell. But you'd think that would make me stop. But it didn't, I. I was still okay, and I still felt like I can do it if I want to. If I really want to, I can quit.
00:36:46:14 - 00:36:53:16
Speaker 3
Well, I'm addicted to nicotine. And if I really wanted to, I could quit that. And I've tried and I can't quit that.
00:36:54:02 - 00:36:54:18
Speaker 2
You know?
00:36:54:23 - 00:37:03:06
Speaker 3
And so I finally it guys, uh, grown men do cry. At least I cry.
00:37:03:07 - 00:37:03:15
Speaker 1
Yeah.
00:37:03:23 - 00:37:33:23
Speaker 3
And I remember sitting in my office and at the house, and, uh, I remember thinking, you know, it's hopeless. I still feel this. And I thank God for this bottom, because this bottom is the one that exhilarated me to see. And I need help. Yeah, Yeah. And, uh, I looked at myself. You know how you'll introvert, you'll look at yourself.
00:37:33:23 - 00:38:02:20
Speaker 3
I looked at myself, and I thought, I remember when you were like this. And I do remember that, you know. And, uh, what happened to you, Lenny? You were the hell are you? And I sit there and I thought, you know, the house was empty. My wife had left me. She lived up to what she said know, I drove her away and everybody else that was close to me wasn't around me anymore.
00:38:02:20 - 00:38:29:13
Speaker 3
And I need help. And so, uh, I have family in Utah that is really precious to me. They've, uh. I mean, really precious to me. It's my sister and Cissy and their family. They love me. They've been with me through this whole or dear deal. And I got a brother down in the L.A. area that's been with me through this whole thing.
00:38:29:16 - 00:38:49:06
Speaker 3
And, uh, a very religious man. I called and I told them, I said, Look, I need help. And that's all they were waiting on. They weren't going to do anything for me until I recognized that I needed help.
00:38:50:06 - 00:38:55:09
Speaker 1
And they probably couldn't do anything for you until you recognize. Well, I was the same way.
00:38:55:12 - 00:38:57:00
Speaker 4
We were met in the room. So.
00:38:57:18 - 00:39:25:17
Speaker 3
You know, and, uh, in retrospect, uh, there was a knock on my door the following morning early, and it was my brother. He told me, Jump in the truck, Lonnie. I'm going to feed you breakfast, and then we're going to go to a certain place and we're going to get you enrolled. And I disappointed him because he wanted me to enroll in the were.
00:39:25:17 - 00:39:45:22
Speaker 3
You have to stay there all the time. Yeah, Yeah. But I'm single. And so I probably should have stayed there all the time. But my rational mindset, oh no, I can't do that. And so I did. And so I did an outpatient and thank God it's work, but I've had to go to meetings two or three a day, and I've done that because I want to be sober.
00:39:45:22 - 00:40:02:06
Speaker 3
I want I'll never be cured. But I want to be successful. I want to be sober and I want to be able to deal with all the emotions and carry two defects that Lilly has. And I want to live a fruitful life. And I want to I want to live in the steps that God would order for Lilly.
00:40:02:14 - 00:40:25:22
Speaker 3
I want to do that God, my higher power. Um, I want that. And so when I walked into this room, I met Lisa, and, you know, I just go, You remind me of a girl I used to date years ago, man would chew tobacco together and.
00:40:27:13 - 00:40:29:00
Speaker 2
That kind of woman. Oh, yeah.
00:40:29:17 - 00:40:34:07
Speaker 3
This chick is a roughneck further than I could manage. And she was accurate. I would.
00:40:35:23 - 00:40:39:11
Speaker 2
Say. You.
00:40:39:11 - 00:40:53:14
Speaker 3
But I looked at her and I thought, Man, I could tell right away, this little girl's got some fire in her dress and I even told my brother when we walked outside, I said, you know, Oh, I'm sorry. You get to.
00:40:53:15 - 00:40:54:05
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah.
00:40:54:20 - 00:41:15:22
Speaker 3
I the I can tell you right now she's not going to cosign any bullshit that Lindsey got right. And she doesn't. But you know what? She does it in such a loving, professional way that, uh, I thank God for. I really do. I think. I think God of the evening and I think God of a morning for Lisa.
00:41:16:09 - 00:41:36:04
Speaker 3
I thinking for, uh, there's another guy in the program, I think God, for him to know. And, uh, they're godsend, as far as I'm concerned, to this community here. And there's probably a lot of good people out there. I'm not saying that the the exclusively the only ones that.
00:41:36:13 - 00:41:38:06
Speaker 4
You're talking about. The other counselor there.
00:41:38:12 - 00:41:39:00
Speaker 3
Yeah.
00:41:39:02 - 00:41:39:13
Speaker 1
Vince.
00:41:39:13 - 00:41:40:01
Speaker 2
Vince.
00:41:40:04 - 00:41:42:16
Speaker 1
He's been on the verge. He's been on the show.
00:41:42:16 - 00:41:49:11
Speaker 3
So, you know, both of them are really good in the they're just I think I probably bugged them so that.
00:41:50:05 - 00:41:50:15
Speaker 2
I see.
00:41:50:19 - 00:41:51:04
Speaker 3
So many.
00:41:51:04 - 00:41:51:20
Speaker 2
Questions.
00:41:51:23 - 00:42:04:20
Speaker 1
I don't think so. I think he really is an introvert. So he just, you know, he just comes off as is just he's got he's got that unapproachable look.
00:42:04:20 - 00:42:09:02
Speaker 2
How do you think, Sam? I think so. Yeah, he does.
00:42:09:02 - 00:42:11:19
Speaker 1
He does. But I think he's I think he's fine.
00:42:12:06 - 00:42:23:21
Speaker 3
I do too. And I love him. In fact, I think all the all the counselors are good. Yeah, I do. I think it's a good program. And their compassion is there.
00:42:24:13 - 00:42:39:15
Speaker 1
Well, the the counselors there have been through it, so they know they have their own clean dates. You know, you know, they they you know, if I, I, I would have to say that if they did it, I don't know that I would have.
00:42:39:15 - 00:43:00:04
Speaker 3
Ever I don't think would connect with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you couple if you couple the counseling experience that they have there alone with communities community of communities, there's quality, quality, uh, leadership in this community.
00:43:00:04 - 00:43:00:18
Speaker 2
There really.
00:43:00:18 - 00:43:32:21
Speaker 3
Is. There's men and women that according to uh, this one doctor relapse is something that's expected. And I, I disagreed with her on that. But you know what? She knows more than I do. But it's called chronic relapse syndrome. And it happens. It happens frequently. But she didn't say something that really made sense to me that the difference between abstinence and working the program is huge.
00:43:33:12 - 00:44:05:06
Speaker 3
Abstinence is simply saying, I'm not going to do it. So you abstain from it and you do nothing to treat the symptoms, nothing to treat the allergy, whereas recovery, you're treating the allergy. And if you if you think of it and logically, if you think of it with an analogy, uh, when you have cancer, God forbid you would, but if you do, oh, we have the resources as a society that we have chemotherapy.
00:44:05:06 - 00:44:05:22
Speaker 2
Radiation.
00:44:06:00 - 00:44:33:13
Speaker 3
Radiation treatments, we have things that can be done and medicines can be done, and you're treated with the disease. And people readily accept that as a disease. But when you share that you're an alcoholic, it's not always received or been receptive. And the reason I say that is because a lot of people don't understand what an alcoholic is.
00:44:33:23 - 00:44:39:23
Speaker 3
They don't understand what an addict is. They have no concept because they've never had no problems.
00:44:39:23 - 00:44:41:15
Speaker 1
Yeah, thank God they don't.
00:44:42:02 - 00:45:01:21
Speaker 4
Yeah, thank God they don't. They definitely don't believe that. It's a lot of time. They don't believe in the disease, you know, So not a seven out of ten people say, Well, why don't you just stop things like that? You would never tell someone with cancer or Parkinson's to stop having cancer. You stop having Parkinson's or stop having this disease, you know?
00:45:02:11 - 00:45:21:23
Speaker 1
Yeah, it yeah, they see it just like that. Um, I was in say, you know, in regards to the relapse, you know, it's a miracle. I used to hear this all the time and I never understood it. And that is that it's a miracle that we made it a day without drinking.
00:45:22:02 - 00:45:22:09
Speaker 2
Yeah.
00:45:23:16 - 00:45:40:04
Speaker 1
Because of our alcoholism. That's a miracle. Because we should be drinking. We are alcoholics. So just to not have a day or a minimum or an hour, couple of days, 61 days without drinking is a miracle.
00:45:40:06 - 00:45:40:19
Speaker 3
I agree.
00:45:41:00 - 00:45:50:00
Speaker 1
Is a miracle. So, you know, they I think it's, what, seven out of seven out of ten go back and relapse.
00:45:50:04 - 00:45:51:15
Speaker 2
Yeah, I remember.
00:45:51:18 - 00:46:02:13
Speaker 1
It's yeah, it's only like a ten or 13% rate that that you won't end up relapsing.
00:46:02:18 - 00:46:08:08
Speaker 3
My sponsor says that on that first steps and that if you do it exhaustive first step.
00:46:08:08 - 00:46:08:16
Speaker 1
Yeah.
00:46:08:22 - 00:46:10:13
Speaker 3
Complete and exhaustive.
00:46:11:09 - 00:46:11:18
Speaker 2
Uh.
00:46:12:18 - 00:46:25:15
Speaker 3
It won't eliminate the, the, the chance of you relapse. But, but what you said it would do for you is it would give you an incredible chance of a daily reprieve.
00:46:25:16 - 00:46:25:22
Speaker 1
Yep.
00:46:26:16 - 00:46:30:18
Speaker 3
And that it would be more tools, more substantiated tools for it.
00:46:30:18 - 00:46:53:07
Speaker 1
Yeah. Well would you acknowledge that you are powerless and you need God to. To to have you have his will in your life? Now you have somebody to go get that daily reprieve from. And that's a date. That's a daily thing. That's at morning meditation, morning prayer, you know, that you have to do. And it's constant throughout the day.
00:46:54:09 - 00:47:00:10
Speaker 1
It's never just, okay, I'm done. We have to be on guard all the time.
00:47:00:11 - 00:47:01:23
Speaker 3
Oh, Bhutan, all the time.
00:47:02:05 - 00:47:19:15
Speaker 1
We have to be. We should. Lisa says we should be a little uncomfortable and we should be we should be a little a little uncomfortable. And that's okay. That little uncomfortable is. Much better than what I felt when I was drinking.
00:47:19:17 - 00:47:21:15
Speaker 2
Who is much that.
00:47:21:15 - 00:47:22:12
Speaker 3
Is so true.
00:47:22:13 - 00:47:35:08
Speaker 1
And that in the peace that I have now. Yeah, the peace that I have is I told Lisa, this is almost childlike, right? It's like.
00:47:35:16 - 00:47:36:07
Speaker 3
Good.
00:47:36:07 - 00:47:58:17
Speaker 1
Yeah, it's it's, it's something that I can I can't describe. I don't know how to put it into words. I don't know, to, to really get to, to have somebody really fully understand that is, is just something that and what it is, is it's me living in God's.
00:47:59:05 - 00:48:01:02
Speaker 2
Will and what he.
00:48:01:02 - 00:48:21:19
Speaker 1
Wants from me. You know, you you said you prayed every morning. I do the same and my prayer is similar to yours. God, take care of my issues. You know what they are sometimes go through them. The big ones. And I'll say, you know, help me with this. This is what I'm thinking about doing. This is what I do.
00:48:21:20 - 00:48:44:03
Speaker 1
But you take care of that and give me something to do for you today. So what can what can I do for you? Use me And to think to go a little further. To think that God that made this universe because that's what I believe. Same as you would have a use for me.
00:48:44:05 - 00:48:45:04
Speaker 3
I know that.
00:48:45:08 - 00:48:47:00
Speaker 1
So that is humbling.
00:48:47:10 - 00:48:49:09
Speaker 3
It is really I agree with that.
00:48:49:09 - 00:48:50:23
Speaker 1
Is like just.
00:48:50:23 - 00:48:56:00
Speaker 3
I wouldn't pick me at all. You know what's crazy? Well, you.
00:48:56:00 - 00:48:57:10
Speaker 1
Got a lot of experience more than.
00:48:57:10 - 00:49:20:02
Speaker 3
Me. Well, what's crazy, guys, is, you know, you know that I'm going through this divorce and all these baggage that comes with it and everything. And so, you know, I've been praying, God, you know, use me how you want to use me. I don't care. Whatever you want to do. I get this call from a young man in the program and he wants to meet with me.
00:49:20:08 - 00:49:25:09
Speaker 3
And I thought, sure, I. I didn't want to, but I. I knew I had to do that.
00:49:25:09 - 00:49:26:16
Speaker 4
Yeah. What exactly? Yeah.
00:49:26:17 - 00:49:36:19
Speaker 3
And, uh, he sat down across from me, folded hands, looked at me, said I'm having marital man said, Can you give me a reason?
00:49:36:20 - 00:49:41:02
Speaker 2
Just, you know.
00:49:41:21 - 00:49:47:21
Speaker 3
I thought to myself, Whoa, He has no idea.
00:49:48:04 - 00:49:48:07
Speaker 2
What's.
00:49:48:11 - 00:49:49:05
Speaker 4
Going on.
00:49:49:10 - 00:49:54:20
Speaker 3
And I felt like God spoke to me. He tell me what not to do.
00:49:56:01 - 00:49:56:15
Speaker 2
Exactly.
00:49:57:08 - 00:50:00:03
Speaker 1
I was just going to say, you know exactly what not to did.
00:50:00:03 - 00:50:15:01
Speaker 3
I told him, I said, I can't tell you how to nurture and cultivate it because I don't have any resource for that. But I said, what I can't tell you is what not to do. And if you don't do these things, that will improve your chances.
00:50:17:08 - 00:50:20:01
Speaker 4
And it's probably exactly what he needed to hear at that time.
00:50:20:10 - 00:50:21:18
Speaker 3
Yeah, really? You wrote.
00:50:21:18 - 00:50:22:06
Speaker 2
Really? Oh.
00:50:22:16 - 00:50:28:07
Speaker 1
Yeah. It. God has a way of coming through you and saying things like that.
00:50:28:07 - 00:50:52:12
Speaker 3
You know, guys, what's interesting is everybody loves her sponsor. I love my sponsor, man. I love him. He's such a good guy. He's real good guy. Just a little background on him. He he lived in the streets. He pushed the shopping cart. He got him a bicycle. He moved from a bicycle program he got involved with has transformed his life.
00:50:52:19 - 00:51:21:02
Speaker 3
He's got a really good paying job right now, and it just completely changed him. But I try to do what he does. And the my sponsor, when he goes to a meeting, you would think he's going to sleep, but he's not. He he's separating personalities. So he closes his eyes and he listens to what being said because he believes that God speaks through everybody that speaks and there's something in there.
00:51:21:17 - 00:51:44:20
Speaker 3
And, uh, so I was at a meeting and I love I love one of the meetings. I said, it's early morning and I tried it. I really did. And I finally shared. I said, Guys, look, I'm trying to do something different. I'm trying to close my eyes and just listen to what's being said. And I said, Here's the problem of having I keep going to sleep.
00:51:46:01 - 00:51:46:07
Speaker 2
So.
00:51:46:12 - 00:51:53:16
Speaker 3
That if you see my head nodding and stuff like that, I said, please fill the liberty to merge me and say, Lenny, wake up.
00:51:54:05 - 00:51:56:03
Speaker 2
You know?
00:51:56:03 - 00:52:10:09
Speaker 3
So that was hard to do. And then I went I went to a book study that was really I love book studies. They are so awesome. And you go one paragraph and you tell what you think it means, and then the leader tells what it really means to me.
00:52:10:10 - 00:52:10:20
Speaker 4
Yeah.
00:52:11:03 - 00:52:17:20
Speaker 3
And we reached the point where it's meditation. I've the, the meditation are.
00:52:17:20 - 00:52:18:15
Speaker 1
You know.
00:52:18:18 - 00:52:19:11
Speaker 3
Are you in.
00:52:19:12 - 00:52:22:04
Speaker 1
That experience? I know how to do it and not experience.
00:52:22:04 - 00:52:32:18
Speaker 3
I had no clue on how to do it. So when the when the meditation time came up and all the lights went off and there was bells came on and stuff, I thought that you're supposed to go.
00:52:33:16 - 00:52:35:18
Speaker 4
Oh, well, yes.
00:52:35:18 - 00:52:38:08
Speaker 3
And so I did. I went home.
00:52:39:05 - 00:52:43:05
Speaker 2
And I know this, I know this.
00:52:43:05 - 00:52:45:00
Speaker 3
I was irritated, this person.
00:52:45:19 - 00:52:49:22
Speaker 2
So the next thing you know, I felt this.
00:52:50:07 - 00:52:51:05
Speaker 3
Frickin Big.
00:52:51:05 - 00:52:52:00
Speaker 2
Bear.
00:52:52:00 - 00:52:57:03
Speaker 3
I thought, You know what, Lily? You are so, so such a piece of work.
00:52:57:07 - 00:52:58:03
Speaker 2
And what's wrong.
00:52:58:03 - 00:53:02:10
Speaker 4
With this thought? And some movies.
00:53:02:10 - 00:53:04:01
Speaker 2
How the mood is. Well, you know.
00:53:04:01 - 00:53:05:14
Speaker 3
Anger management, blue ball.
00:53:06:01 - 00:53:13:19
Speaker 2
Oh. Oh, that's right. These are roving your ears back and forth. Oh, really?
00:53:13:19 - 00:53:21:12
Speaker 4
Well, I mean, all of that is actually really parts of different types of meditation also. Yeah. Not common in art.
00:53:21:12 - 00:53:24:06
Speaker 2
Oh no, it's not. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
00:53:24:10 - 00:54:04:05
Speaker 1
Lenny. What? So you said what was leading up to that. What was, what was. So you talked a little bit about your brother bringing you to the program. What were some of your emotions in the first few days? I know you're still early in it, but within like the first 30 days, what were some of the main things that that you that you recognized in retrospect that you may have had had a hard time dealing with?
00:54:05:04 - 00:54:30:22
Speaker 3
There was this tremendous loneliness. I felt alone and I couldn't shake and I would I would turn my television on just to have noise going, you know, and I prayed about it and told God, you know.
00:54:30:22 - 00:54:32:04
Speaker 2
With my higher power or.
00:54:33:08 - 00:54:42:21
Speaker 3
Something really lonely, you know, I even asked him one time, I said, Hey, I know you're busy, but he's got a lot to do. I'm sure.
00:54:44:01 - 00:54:44:21
Speaker 2
You know, all of this.
00:54:44:21 - 00:55:09:15
Speaker 3
People need take care of me because must have a lot to do. But I said, you know, I said, would you would you be able to just reach down and hug me and hold me for a little bit? And I said, I think that'll cure me. And I didn't get an answer. I went to a meeting and I got.
00:55:09:15 - 00:55:10:01
Speaker 2
Hugged.
00:55:11:17 - 00:55:36:21
Speaker 3
And I felt like it was for him. I really do. It changed me. I opened my pantry door one day because I was so frickin tired eating soup. When are you going to cook for yourself? Been It gets to the point where, you know, a grilled cheese sandwiches are even hard to make. You just then I opened the pantry door and I said this out loud.
00:55:36:23 - 00:56:05:06
Speaker 3
I said, God, you know, shut the door. And I turned around. I said, I have no fucking clue what I'm going to eat for dinner. So I'm just not going to eat. And we had a meeting at the place that we meet up at them. This guy brings in seven big extra you right? And I love that you like to eat, Sam, because I.
00:56:07:18 - 00:56:09:00
Speaker 1
Giving away my secret.
00:56:09:01 - 00:56:09:15
Speaker 2
Oh, man.
00:56:09:18 - 00:56:27:17
Speaker 3
And I thought, man. But no, I just. I felt really alone, you know, I really did have. And I thank God that he take he took that away and then he's replaced that. By the way, I'm at peace. I've got tremendous solitude.
00:56:27:22 - 00:56:28:04
Speaker 1
Yeah.
00:56:28:19 - 00:56:50:23
Speaker 3
You know, I do. I would I encourage anyone to walk the trail that Lydia's walked, even though we're all walking in a spiritual tour. No, I wouldn't do that. You know, pain's an effective teacher, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I really. If you're. If you're out there, your husband take care of your wife, love her like Christ loved the church, man.
00:56:51:00 - 00:57:20:12
Speaker 3
Give yourself for. And if you're a husband, love your wife like Christ loves us. And don't get spun off on that. It's his part of the higher power that I got. But men do what's needed to be able to cultivate your relationships, because if you are put into a situation I've been put into, God can answer it. Yes, I like the solitude, I like the quietness.
00:57:20:18 - 00:57:35:21
Speaker 3
I don't turn the TV on like I used to, you know, I usually get in around 9:00 after all the last meeting, and I go to the Western Channel and I watch Gunsmoke a little bit.
00:57:36:02 - 00:57:38:06
Speaker 1
You'll get it in.
00:57:38:10 - 00:57:57:18
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. But I found that the greatest seller I have is I read the big book or the 1212 before I go to bed, I just begin reading it. I put my lounge chair up and everything and the fire me up a good too. And I sit there and then I just read it, read it real slow, methodically.
00:57:57:18 - 00:58:11:11
Speaker 3
I read it like it's a textbook, not a novel. Right? And directly I begin nodding. I know you know what? Sleep is good. I have never slept this good in my life. Really Never.
00:58:11:11 - 00:58:15:23
Speaker 4
Did that happen immediately? Oh, yeah. Because sleeping rough at the beginning.
00:58:15:23 - 00:58:36:07
Speaker 3
Yeah, it was for me too. But, uh, I got to tell you, the. And what Sam referred to about the something happens 60 days, something has happened. Yeah, it really has. Even on the way over here, traffic was backed up all the way to another street. And I mean.
00:58:36:07 - 00:58:36:20
Speaker 2
From.
00:58:37:19 - 00:58:38:16
Speaker 4
Light to light.
00:58:39:00 - 00:58:42:17
Speaker 3
Oh, beyond, man. It was all the way back to where we have our meetings.
00:58:42:18 - 00:58:43:14
Speaker 4
Yeah. Oh, wow.
00:58:43:18 - 00:59:03:19
Speaker 3
And you know, there was a time in my life it would just drove me nuts. And I sit back and I paused and I thought, you know, I'll text him and let him know that, you know what? Traffic's atrocious, right? And I'll get there when I get there. And it was an accident, so I was holding it up.
00:59:03:19 - 00:59:11:01
Speaker 3
But I didn't lose sleep over. I didn't lose the car, whatever it is.
00:59:11:01 - 00:59:11:10
Speaker 4
Yeah.
00:59:11:19 - 00:59:36:13
Speaker 3
My sponsors got me reading. Page 417 of the big book like you wouldn't believe, and I don't do it as much now, but there was a time where I had to read that thing two or three times a day, and it talks about acceptance and it's real simple, but it's so profound acceptance of something that will either add to your serenity, it can't take away from it.
00:59:37:00 - 00:59:48:23
Speaker 3
Acceptance is directly proportional to your serenity. That's what this says. And it's inversely proportional to your expectations. And expectations is what was contaminating me.
00:59:48:23 - 00:59:55:09
Speaker 1
My expectations is the biggest expectations and then what comes from that is resentment.
00:59:55:15 - 00:59:56:01
Speaker 3
Yeah.
00:59:56:03 - 00:59:57:14
Speaker 4
You know, for it not happening.
00:59:57:15 - 00:59:58:00
Speaker 2
Yeah.
00:59:58:00 - 00:59:59:02
Speaker 3
Yeah, exactly.
00:59:59:03 - 01:00:06:13
Speaker 1
Or yeah, I mean, things didn't work out the way you thought it would or.
01:00:06:13 - 01:00:06:15
Speaker 2
You.
01:00:06:15 - 01:00:34:17
Speaker 1
Know, it was just resentments and expectations, you know, that was give you a little bit of my back story. You know, I, I quit my job. You know, and I and I did that because I felt like it. It was it I felt like it was the problem. Long story short. And it was it it was the alcohol.
01:00:35:16 - 01:01:03:19
Speaker 1
But what was the what was part of that was I had built up resentments towards there was a lot of things. But I think one of the biggest things is we had just sold my dad owned a big shop here in town, and that's where, you know, I worked. And the idea was I was always supposed to that was my dream.
01:01:03:19 - 01:01:40:12
Speaker 1
I don't know if it was his you I talked to him about it, but from my point of view, my dream was to always take over the family business. And, um, it came time to where I could see my dad in the last couple of years. Really, really just have a tough time with. With everything going on. And then when COVID hit in 2020, um, so when it came time and the, uh, yeah, we talked about it said, you know, should we sell it?
01:01:40:12 - 01:02:07:11
Speaker 1
Did they get rid of it? You know, And I think I was holding resentments because I didn't, I couldn't provide him with basically the money to go off and retire with this company who was buying them out, was going to was going to be able to do that. Right. Give them a chunk of change and then, um, pay rent to them because they had at least the properties.
01:02:07:11 - 01:02:41:18
Speaker 1
He owns the properties. So, you know, there was a resentment. There was an expectation, though, that I had that I had really it really festered in me. But it wasn't just that they didn't bother me so much, but I know that that was part of it. A lot of it was just my resentment towards built up towards people, towards people in that I felt like they weren't, um, I felt like they weren't grateful.
01:02:42:03 - 01:02:42:11
Speaker 2
Mm.
01:02:42:17 - 01:03:12:04
Speaker 1
I felt like people were just mean for the sake of being mean. You know how the world is. It's, it's tough. It's, it's, it's cutthroat. You know, I, I didn't, I didn't like that. I never liked that part. And it bothered me when somebody came in and and, and I got a resentment towards our customers and you know, because they would come in because I dealt with all the problems.
01:03:12:14 - 01:03:34:10
Speaker 1
So, you know, in dealing with that, I really built up a resentment towards them. So long story short, you know, my expectations were not met and that they didn't react in the way that I thought that they should react, you know, And so but it was like that he could take that same scenario and put it in every part of my life.
01:03:34:14 - 01:03:52:17
Speaker 1
Right. It was like that. You know, there's certain certain aspects that I may have had with with my wife or with, you know, us not having kids right away. You know, it took us about ten or 11 years to have kids.
01:03:52:22 - 01:03:53:07
Speaker 2
Yeah.
01:03:53:13 - 01:04:16:17
Speaker 1
You know, uh, it it was just a lot of things that I had built up resentment towards. And, you know, I, I guess that's what I was upset about, you know, because for a long time I still, even to the last podcast, uh, didn't know what I was mad about, don't know what I had resentments towards, you know, because I was mad.
01:04:16:19 - 01:04:18:01
Speaker 1
I was mad at something. It's hard.
01:04:18:01 - 01:04:19:08
Speaker 4
To find some time to.
01:04:19:08 - 01:04:21:14
Speaker 3
Discover this during your fourth step.
01:04:21:23 - 01:04:25:13
Speaker 1
No, I just discovered it right now as we're talking. I'm serious.
01:04:25:18 - 01:04:27:01
Speaker 2
Wow. Yeah.
01:04:28:06 - 01:04:54:19
Speaker 1
You know that is something that really, um. You know, when you when you said expectations and you were talking about resentment, since you kind of do the like, you know, so, you know, you learn something new every day. That's what's great about this is you think you and that's what I mean when I when I see that it gets better, like it continues to get better.
01:04:55:19 - 01:05:03:02
Speaker 1
You know, if you think about it, though, I mean, we were at our worst.
01:05:03:06 - 01:05:07:04
Speaker 2
Oh, we're we're we were at our worst.
01:05:07:04 - 01:05:08:07
Speaker 4
Everybody else knew.
01:05:08:14 - 01:05:12:20
Speaker 2
Yeah. So, you know. You know what I mean, Right?
01:05:12:20 - 01:05:14:22
Speaker 3
Honorable you. Right.
01:05:14:22 - 01:05:15:22
Speaker 1
I wanted to.
01:05:15:23 - 01:05:16:11
Speaker 3
What do they.
01:05:16:11 - 01:05:20:00
Speaker 2
Do? Yeah, right.
01:05:20:00 - 01:05:53:08
Speaker 1
So the what are the other things I wanted to ask you was what would you tell, what would you tell your younger self picking age that you were living as close to what you're living now? So maybe that was a teenager, maybe that was a kid, maybe that was in your twenties, what would you tell your younger self?
01:05:54:03 - 01:06:04:03
Speaker 1
Um, that, uh, that you realized go into this a little bit and living some life, you know.
01:06:04:21 - 01:06:14:21
Speaker 3
Great questions. You know, I had my first drink when I was 11 years old. I stole the bottle of cream. DEMENT Oh.
01:06:14:21 - 01:06:15:04
Speaker 2
Yeah.
01:06:15:17 - 01:06:19:09
Speaker 3
I was terrible, But I got drunk. I liked it. I threw up.
01:06:20:04 - 01:06:26:00
Speaker 1
And, uh, see, that's an alcoholic most of thought would stop. Most people that drink would stop after that.
01:06:26:07 - 01:06:28:02
Speaker 2
A No, not for me through it.
01:06:28:02 - 01:06:28:12
Speaker 4
But I'm like.
01:06:28:14 - 01:06:29:10
Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, you.
01:06:29:11 - 01:06:31:05
Speaker 1
Went back at it. Then, uh.
01:06:32:05 - 01:06:42:10
Speaker 3
Again, we lived in the country and, um, I grew up, I grew up in a generation where we called marijuana wacky.
01:06:42:10 - 01:06:43:10
Speaker 2
Tobacco, you know.
01:06:44:01 - 01:06:49:11
Speaker 3
And you could always tell somebody that smoked wacky back because they'd have holes in their T-shirt.
01:06:50:07 - 01:06:53:08
Speaker 2
For the see.
01:06:53:08 - 01:07:11:23
Speaker 3
And then they came out with Sesame and and we had to look at the definition of that the whole business didn't have is is so I'd say ten years old. And the reason I say that is I got a ten speed bicycle for Christmas.
01:07:11:23 - 01:07:13:19
Speaker 2
Oh, God, I loved that bicycle.
01:07:14:12 - 01:07:19:22
Speaker 3
It was really cool. It was real good and good heads and then the sand.
01:07:20:06 - 01:07:22:01
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah.
01:07:22:11 - 01:07:23:18
Speaker 1
Didn't have no roads, but.
01:07:23:18 - 01:07:55:22
Speaker 3
That's, that's the, uh. I've never really thought about it that just, just coming off the cuff. Uh, that's the first peaceful time I recall having a lot of shit down after that, man. You know, baggage happens to everybody that, you know, Gee, it was just spiraled after that. It really did.
01:07:55:22 - 01:08:05:18
Speaker 4
I So what does that ten year old lady need to hear from this lady now before everything starts going crazy?
01:08:07:12 - 01:08:36:05
Speaker 3
That I think you're probably about 13 years old, Lonnie. And, uh, if you continue in there, your. Your growth rate will be exponential and you'll finally try to catch up to yourself. Uh, I would have loved life entirely different. I really would have, you know, You know, I don't know. I'm sure you guys, it was important to be cool.
01:08:36:09 - 01:08:39:07
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah, I really would fit in.
01:08:40:04 - 01:09:10:14
Speaker 3
Yeah. Uh, the only way Lenny ever fit in when he was younger, like that was, uh, I'd sell dope, and they loved me. They didn't love me. They loved what I would get, you know? And, uh, you know, uh, guys, I didn't think alcohol was a problem. I really didn't. I knew that the drugs was a problem, but I didn't associate the two, correlate the two.
01:09:11:16 - 01:09:24:02
Speaker 3
What a mistake that was. What a frickin mistake. And when I hear guys share, and you'll probably edit this out, but when I hear guys share, I've got 170 days with no marijuana. I'm got 65.
01:09:24:02 - 01:09:26:18
Speaker 2
Days with no, you know.
01:09:27:17 - 01:09:28:19
Speaker 4
You're not the only one.
01:09:28:19 - 01:09:30:20
Speaker 3
And you've got 65 fucking days.
01:09:31:09 - 01:09:37:01
Speaker 2
So do you. I'm not that out. Truth.
01:09:37:01 - 01:09:40:10
Speaker 3
Yeah, it is. And, you know, squeaky clean.
01:09:40:10 - 01:09:41:00
Speaker 2
Yeah.
01:09:41:01 - 01:09:42:07
Speaker 1
Not California clean.
01:09:42:11 - 01:09:44:04
Speaker 2
Oh, right. All right.
01:09:44:18 - 01:09:46:22
Speaker 4
Well, like that. Yeah, I Mean, I heard.
01:09:46:22 - 01:09:47:17
Speaker 2
It the other day.
01:09:48:00 - 01:09:49:05
Speaker 4
Yeah, Yeah.
01:09:49:19 - 01:10:04:13
Speaker 3
But I don't know what to tell Sam. I just know that most of the time in my life was ten, and I can't go in. What happened From then on, there was a lot of trauma that took place that that I'm dealing with right now. I really am. I've got asterisks. So my forced.
01:10:04:20 - 01:10:09:23
Speaker 2
Yeah, that's. That's right again at the most so that works for prisoners to be.
01:10:09:23 - 01:10:12:07
Speaker 3
Incarcerated He said lady it'll work for you.
01:10:12:08 - 01:10:19:01
Speaker 2
That okay keep us from getting it. Yeah. I don't want to be I.
01:10:19:01 - 01:10:31:09
Speaker 3
Don't want to be incarcerated, guys, let me tell you, I know how to defend myself, but if I was incarcerated, I'd be somebodies woman. I, I wouldn't even resist.
01:10:31:09 - 01:10:32:16
Speaker 2
I'd want to see.
01:10:33:15 - 01:10:57:13
Speaker 3
A buddy of mine. The he had his third or fourth DUI, and he was driving the wrong way on I-5. Oh, well, yeah. And he didn't kill anyone, per se. Praise God for that. But, uh, he would always get a hold of me through this other guy. And he'd say he was up in Tehachapi, and he'd always tell me, Lynd, uh, if you're going to send me anything, send me snow cones.
01:10:57:20 - 01:11:01:16
Speaker 3
Those, you know, the snow cones that are red like this, the.
01:11:01:22 - 01:11:03:02
Speaker 4
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:11:03:02 - 01:11:04:01
Speaker 3
You know what I'd say?
01:11:04:02 - 01:11:04:12
Speaker 4
Yeah.
01:11:04:20 - 01:11:07:02
Speaker 3
And it's. I asked the guy said.
01:11:08:06 - 01:11:08:19
Speaker 2
What.
01:11:08:22 - 01:11:18:23
Speaker 3
He want snow cones and he said it's for protection. He said the, the brothers up there love them snow cones, they'll protect his ass if you give it.
01:11:19:01 - 01:11:19:18
Speaker 2
So. Yeah.
01:11:20:10 - 01:11:48:17
Speaker 3
And so that's what we did. Yeah. But no, um, I probably didn't answer your question because I really don't know. You know, I just know that I can recall being ten. I can be honest with you. I can recall being three years old. There was some shit that went down in the you know, you come on, everybody's everybody, you know, everybody's got problems.
01:11:48:17 - 01:11:49:20
Speaker 3
Everybody's got know.
01:11:49:22 - 01:11:52:07
Speaker 2
Baggage. You know.
01:11:52:07 - 01:12:27:17
Speaker 1
Yeah, we have all of our is that that that actually leads me to my next question and that is you know we all when we have that that that desperation that is on fire, we we don't have nowhere else to turn. We tried everything else. Uh, I don't know, other than offering up suggestions. What you can tell somebody to get them to stop.
01:12:27:17 - 01:12:45:15
Speaker 1
But what would you tell somebody? That they think they may have a problem? They've expressed it to you. What is something that you would you would say to them, Sam?
01:12:45:15 - 01:12:55:19
Speaker 3
I'd, uh. I'd invite them to come and attend a few meetings with me so that they could hear the testimonies of other and women in the room.
01:12:55:19 - 01:12:56:04
Speaker 1
Yeah.
01:12:56:18 - 01:12:57:23
Speaker 2
And powerful.
01:12:58:03 - 01:13:26:08
Speaker 3
Yeah. And, you know, uh, I do, I do have a friend, that great guy. Great, great guy. And, you know, he he's decent. He may have a problem, but he cures it. If he abstains for three days, it just means he's not an alcoholic. And I thought, gee, I. Same for three days. I'm looking for that freaking bottle, pal.
01:13:26:15 - 01:13:34:15
Speaker 3
You're dear. So I would invite them to come with me to a meeting. Um, yeah, It's an individual thing, don't you agree?
01:13:34:15 - 01:13:35:06
Speaker 1
Yes, it is.
01:13:35:06 - 01:13:48:12
Speaker 3
You have to decide for yourself that you had enough. And if you haven't decided for yourself, do you have enough? There's a lady that comes to the some of the meetings that we're in that's just got a famous saying, this man, if you want a drink, go out there and fucking.
01:13:48:12 - 01:13:49:17
Speaker 2
Drink, you know.
01:13:49:17 - 01:13:50:03
Speaker 1
Controlled.
01:13:50:03 - 01:14:19:14
Speaker 3
Drinking. My sponsor when I in the early days, uh, this is the advertisement. Get a sponsor. Really? Even if you're not working the steps, get a frickin sponsor because he will have you eventually the steps. But my sponsor told me I called him up. It was early days, and I was wrestling with a lot of stuff, and, uh, I was that exhaustive first circuit step, but I was dealing with all this.
01:14:19:21 - 01:14:22:04
Speaker 3
The good news is you get your feelings back.
01:14:22:07 - 01:14:22:15
Speaker 2
Yeah.
01:14:22:19 - 01:14:38:21
Speaker 3
The bad news is you get your feelings. Feelings? You know, so. And he told me, he said, Lenny, listen, man, you can get all your misery and all your your failures. And he said, No problem. And you get those.
01:14:38:21 - 01:14:39:19
Speaker 2
Back in a minute.
01:14:39:21 - 01:15:06:09
Speaker 3
Yeah. He said, You sure can. He said, Is that what you want? And I said, No he said, Then listen to what I'm suggesting to you. And I did listen to him. And the other thing that's good about my sponsor guys is he'll come, he'll have me go meet him or I'll go. He has become to his house and always offers me breakfast, always offers me lunch.
01:15:07:03 - 01:15:23:11
Speaker 3
And, uh, he likes to smoke. So we sit out in the garage, or he does anyhow. And then the. I think if you, if you, if you took that individual to a meeting, to an open meeting.
01:15:23:16 - 01:15:23:23
Speaker 1
You.
01:15:25:07 - 01:15:55:19
Speaker 3
And not just one follow up two or three and give him a ride and then you'll have a cup of coffee afterwards, you know, and, and don't press meeting on him, just open up the conversation where it's just one on one, you know, let's just buddy and buddy. Uh, but I believe that they'll hear the voice of our higher power speaking through other men and women that will bear witness with things in their life that will will affirm that, you know what?
01:15:55:19 - 01:16:04:12
Speaker 3
I have a problem, and it may not be as severe as some of these. And everybody in here may be screwed up because lot of the sleep that.
01:16:04:12 - 01:16:06:00
Speaker 2
We come in, you.
01:16:06:00 - 01:16:07:20
Speaker 4
Know. Oh, yeah, Uh.
01:16:08:11 - 01:16:15:04
Speaker 3
But that's what I would do. So, yeah, and I'm not sure that would be the right thing, but that's the only I know to do that.
01:16:15:05 - 01:16:57:14
Speaker 1
That's actually, you know, something that I would do. It's something I have done. Um, you know, we can only plant. That's what I believe. You know, we, we, we have a that's us living in service Is is, is planting seeds. And it's not, it's not to it's not always us to sit there and tend to water them and do all that but plant the seed and, and, and have faith that they will grow, you know, and hopefully, you know, it's a bad thing to say.
01:16:58:14 - 01:17:29:20
Speaker 1
It's just hard to hear. Hopefully they have that desperation. They have that that I've tried everything. Else I need to make a change. You know, when I when I when I was drinking my last few days, I didn't want to drink anymore. I hated it. I hated it. There was nothing I wanted more than just to not have to pick up a bottle.
01:17:30:11 - 01:17:31:19
Speaker 2
Yeah, Yeah.
01:17:31:19 - 01:17:47:21
Speaker 1
And and, you know, now that I've gotten freedom from that, you know, I'm throwing the book at it. Whatever I got to do, plus whatever I got to do with this.
01:17:47:21 - 01:17:48:02
Speaker 3
Uh.
01:17:48:12 - 01:18:18:09
Speaker 4
Yeah, there's the flip side of that coin, too, because I was having a blast, gentleman the couple of days before. Yeah, I didn't even know that the end was coming, you know, because my world would fall apart. It'd be shitty as hell, and then I'd gradually things would fade away and people wouldn't be mad at me anymore. And I'd get another job and get get the car fixed or whatever, and then go right back at it.
01:18:18:09 - 01:18:48:23
Speaker 4
But, uh, yeah, even the, the day that I stopped, I was high, I was drunk, I was high off of multiple different things, and I was drunk as a skunk and I was driving around doing all those things and yeah, I know a real smart guy and I was still so excited and relieved when it was finally time for me to actually go get help.
01:18:49:19 - 01:19:10:19
Speaker 4
Like, even though I was enjoying myself, like, such a pressure was off of me knowing that I wasn't going to have to do that. All the time, really. And I don't know if you guys were like, Yeah, was the lies right? I was a huge liar. Oh, yeah. Hiding bottles, hiding drugs and things like that. Yeah, that's where my peace came from.
01:19:10:19 - 01:19:11:06
Speaker 4
So, yeah.
01:19:11:14 - 01:19:12:00
Speaker 2
Just.
01:19:12:09 - 01:19:22:16
Speaker 4
Just that in itself, not having to wonder what I'm going to say. Not putting myself in situations where I even have to lie anymore, you know?
01:19:22:16 - 01:19:26:17
Speaker 1
Yeah. Try to remember what you what you said the night before to your wife.
01:19:26:22 - 01:19:28:17
Speaker 2
And say that you.
01:19:28:17 - 01:19:30:18
Speaker 3
Remember what you did last night, you know?
01:19:31:01 - 01:19:31:12
Speaker 4
Yeah.
01:19:31:12 - 01:19:32:20
Speaker 2
You remember? Yeah.
01:19:33:04 - 01:19:57:13
Speaker 1
You go to sleep, you wake up and there's. It's really there. It's a peace because you can I, I get that sleeping. Sleeping. Good part. You know that talk about. Well because that's what it, that's what it gives you you know that that that peace like you said, you know just that. Oh, I'm done.
01:19:57:16 - 01:19:58:04
Speaker 2
Oh.
01:19:58:11 - 01:20:10:07
Speaker 3
Guys, I used to wake up in the morning. The first thing I do is grab my iPhone and look at my text messages to see who hell I text. You know, look at my emails, see who I email, what it.
01:20:10:07 - 01:20:11:06
Speaker 4
Let me do last.
01:20:11:06 - 01:20:20:07
Speaker 3
Night. Exactly. Then I'd look at my phone log and then I'd go up to the side. There were shows minutes outgoing call, and I'd see who the hell I called.
01:20:20:08 - 01:20:21:05
Speaker 4
You know, for how long.
01:20:21:05 - 01:20:46:21
Speaker 3
Yeah. And, uh, this one particular morning, I, I, I pulled it up. It was a text message, and it was sent and it was sent to a really close friend of mine. He's I love him with all my heart. I really do. I felt so terrible, but I had five or six lines. Have nothing but fuck you, Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck, man.
01:20:46:21 - 01:20:55:22
Speaker 3
And I set my phone down and I remembered, uh. Oh, no. What did I. What What have I done?
01:20:56:04 - 01:20:56:15
Speaker 2
Right?
01:20:57:03 - 01:21:10:22
Speaker 3
So I called him and he answered the phone, and I said, And so let him in. There he goes, Yeah, Lenny. And I said, Uh, hey, man, I just want you to know somebody hacked my phone.
01:21:10:23 - 01:21:15:10
Speaker 2
Oh, you know what he told me?
01:21:16:06 - 01:21:33:23
Speaker 3
What, are you going to quit fucking line? Oh, man, it just hurt me. It was like a knife in my heart. But he was telling the truth that I thought, you know, he's telling the truth. Yeah. And I said, I don't remember doing it. And he said, I know you don't, but He said, I still love you, man.
01:21:33:23 - 01:21:34:22
Speaker 3
You're still my brother.
01:21:35:04 - 01:21:35:10
Speaker 2
Mm.
01:21:35:21 - 01:21:46:19
Speaker 3
Well, and I said, Ben, I appreciate it. I really do. And I'm sorry. I really am. He said, It never happened. And that was the end of the conversation. It made me feel really good.
01:21:46:19 - 01:21:47:14
Speaker 2
Yeah, right.
01:21:47:14 - 01:22:09:02
Speaker 3
But. And I didn't know anything about make him prompt the minute, you know, It's just when you've got a brother, you know how you as a brother and you know that you did something that violate that relationship or that trust or whatever, uh, if they're truly your brother and you truly do love them with brotherly love, you're going to get a hold of them and let them know that, Hey, man.
01:22:09:02 - 01:22:11:01
Speaker 3
Yeah, You know, I'm really sorry.
01:22:11:03 - 01:22:11:21
Speaker 2
It's true. Yeah.
01:22:11:21 - 01:22:24:16
Speaker 1
And on the flip side of that, because he's your brother and because he knows and loves you, you know, you guys have a great friendship. He knows that. That's not Lenny.
01:22:24:18 - 01:22:25:03
Speaker 3
Yeah.
01:22:25:13 - 01:22:56:13
Speaker 1
You know, So, um. Yeah, it it it feels good to be able to give back. Um, give back The people around me, the loved ones that I have around me, the people that I care about, the people that have cared about me when I wasn't true to them. Oh, yeah. It feels good to to, to, um. And That's where that peace stems from, you know, being.
01:22:56:13 - 01:22:56:23
Speaker 4
There for.
01:22:56:23 - 01:23:00:15
Speaker 3
Them. And you imagine how hard it is to love a broken person.
01:23:00:23 - 01:23:01:14
Speaker 1
Oh, yeah?
01:23:02:01 - 01:23:06:06
Speaker 4
Well, when you're broken, it's easier, you know? But, like.
01:23:06:16 - 01:23:07:00
Speaker 1
Yeah.
01:23:07:14 - 01:23:19:22
Speaker 4
How our family members must have really felt. The ones that are normies and all they want was the best for us and what happened to us like, because, you know, they knew when we were lying, They knew when we were doing all this.
01:23:20:11 - 01:23:21:02
Speaker 3
You were right.
01:23:21:08 - 01:23:23:18
Speaker 4
And we're just doing it to their face, you know, showing.
01:23:23:18 - 01:23:26:18
Speaker 2
Them going through. Yeah.
01:23:27:00 - 01:23:30:11
Speaker 1
Yeah. Well, I appreciate it, Lenny.
01:23:30:23 - 01:23:32:01
Speaker 3
Well, thank you for having me.
01:23:32:01 - 01:23:33:10
Speaker 1
Yeah, Thanks for coming on.
01:23:33:12 - 01:23:34:16
Speaker 4
This is a good time.
01:23:34:19 - 01:23:36:03
Speaker 1
I really.
01:23:36:03 - 01:23:40:01
Speaker 3
You may have to edit 99.99 now.
01:23:40:01 - 01:23:43:00
Speaker 1
Well, if you want me to read it, I will be okay.
01:23:43:04 - 01:23:53:18
Speaker 3
If you if you use calculus type, the H goes to the limit of zero. You just know you do what your heart tells you to do.
01:23:53:19 - 01:24:21:05
Speaker 1
Yeah, well, I, uh, wanted to tell you. Thank you. It's wonderful to have you in the rooms. You. You're such a powerful speaker. You're very smart. You know, I in the way you articulate how you speak is. Is is what the room needs. It's exactly what we need in that room. So, you know, it's. You are somebody that.
01:24:21:13 - 01:24:29:06
Speaker 1
That, uh, that even though I have more days than you, you're somebody that I feel like I can go and talk to. I have a.
01:24:29:06 - 01:24:30:17
Speaker 2
Name for you. Yeah.
01:24:31:09 - 01:24:33:05
Speaker 1
So I really appreciate you learning both.
01:24:33:05 - 01:24:37:14
Speaker 3
You get. I love both of you. I really do. You've been brothers. You really have. You know.
01:24:37:22 - 01:24:46:17
Speaker 4
On Piggyback on Fam, and it's. It's the way that you work, the way that you're working your program is what inspires me.
01:24:47:00 - 01:24:48:08
Speaker 3
What? Free rebel.
01:24:48:21 - 01:24:50:20
Speaker 2
Oh, that's right.
01:24:50:20 - 01:24:51:17
Speaker 3
I want free.
01:24:51:17 - 01:24:54:00
Speaker 4
And you're going to get it. Yeah, that's right.
01:24:54:02 - 01:25:20:12
Speaker 1
Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think you really have a little bit of that, if not in that freedom. You know, it's from here on out. As long as we don't pick up another drink, as long as we still we, we stick with our recovery. And we do we do recovery with intention. We Fight for it. We do whatever we can.
01:25:20:13 - 01:25:24:06
Speaker 1
We do what we would do for the bottle. We do it for the recovery.
01:25:24:06 - 01:25:25:01
Speaker 3
Exactly.
01:25:25:01 - 01:25:30:10
Speaker 1
And I think we'll be okay. Right. All right. All right. Appreciate it.
01:25:30:10 - 01:25:30:20
Speaker 2
Thank you.
01:25:31:04 - 01:25:31:14
Speaker 4
Gentlemen.