Recovery Check Ins Episode 15 with Wayne

In this episode of Recovery Check Ins, I interview Wayne, who shares his story of addiction and childhood trauma.

If you're looking for advice on addiction recovery or childhood trauma, then you need to watch this episode of Recovery Check Ins! Wayne provides valuable insight into his story and offers helpful tips for overcoming addiction and dealing with trauma.

Thanks for watching, and be sure to subscribe to Recovery Check Ins to stay up-to-date on the latest news and events in addiction recovery!

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To watch go to https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN2HkhKyzBkNzgtrmH95HqQ or go to https://www.recoverycheckins.com for more info.

Transcript

00;00;10;15 - 00;00;18;28
Speaker 1
How you doing? Yeah, I'm doing good. Thank you for coming in and sit down with me and Remo. Appreciate it, man. Yeah, not a problem.

00;00;20;02 - 00;00;22;13
Speaker 2
Really blew me away when I heard you had the podcast.

00;00;22;18 - 00;00;23;20
Speaker 1
Well, kidding me.

00;00;24;21 - 00;00;25;18
Speaker 2
Yup. Two. All in.

00;00;25;25 - 00;00;32;17
Speaker 1
Yeah, I did. It's pretty cool. It's was. It's a it's one more thing in the way of me using again.

00;00;32;28 - 00;00;35;00
Speaker 2
Lets you put two hobbies together anyways.

00;00;35;00 - 00;00;36;07
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;00;36;08 - 00;00;38;14
Speaker 2
And I want to get into the video and, and stuff. That's pretty.

00;00;38;14 - 00;01;12;02
Speaker 1
Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little known fact that I used to do video when I was in high school. Nobody. I don't ever talk about it, but I actually made a movie and it went into like the high school stuff. I don't know what it was called at the time. I was in it for about a year or two, and I just remember us having this teacher that was I remember the Matrix that came out and I if you remember on the original Matrix, the camera angle were I think it was what's his name, Neal.

00;01;12;15 - 00;01;15;22
Speaker 1
Keanu Reeves. Yeah. Goes back like that and you see the bullets.

00;01;15;22 - 00;01;16;21
Speaker 3
Flying, bullets flying around.

00;01;16;21 - 00;01;27;23
Speaker 1
So to make that happen, he, he, he was all ecstatic about it. So he wanted to try that. So there was another group of kids that made that. We made that movie. I made a gun in 60 seconds.

00;01;28;02 - 00;01;29;13
Speaker 3
You're an avid kid, huh?

00;01;29;14 - 00;01;30;27
Speaker 1
Yeah. I like stuff.

00;01;31;10 - 00;01;33;03
Speaker 3
In 60 seconds. That's another really good one.

00;01;33;03 - 00;01;37;19
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. So that was pretty cool. Um, how many days you have?

00;01;38;20 - 00;01;42;28
Speaker 2
Oh, good Lord, I wish you didn't ask, but I got just maybe two days into seven months, I think.

00;01;43;12 - 00;01;53;15
Speaker 1
Yeah, he said back. He says that two days were gone, that a lot of now.

00;01;54;02 - 00;01;57;20
Speaker 2
I've been asked how much you got to say. About 24 hours and three months.

00;01;58;24 - 00;01;59;15
Speaker 3
Messing with.

00;01;59;21 - 00;02;01;24
Speaker 1
You like you like causing a fuss.

00;02;01;25 - 00;02;02;18
Speaker 3
Yeah, he does.

00;02;02;18 - 00;02;04;08
Speaker 2
I'm sorry, but that's why it is.

00;02;04;08 - 00;02;06;16
Speaker 1
Yeah, well, you wouldn't be where I am without It.

00;02;08;07 - 00;02;28;18
Speaker 2
Has been a roller coaster. Yeah, it really has. It's actually just now getting easier. Um, you know, I have. You know, I have my thoughts every now and then. Like, I've got a thought that keeps creeping up on me every now and then, like, my. No, my wife's leaving here, you know, I've got her going to see her parents here about three more months.

00;02;28;18 - 00;02;34;13
Speaker 2
And I keep thinking, man, I better stick close to, you know, the people that don't drink.

00;02;34;13 - 00;02;37;07
Speaker 1
It's a meetings. Yeah, definitely.

00;02;37;07 - 00;02;48;07
Speaker 2
You know, it's definitely a this recovery is something you got to work every day. And I'll tell you, my brain, it just it sees chances. It goes, You know what? You could drink, you get away with it. I'm thinking, No, I can't, because I'll die.

00;02;48;15 - 00;03;09;12
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think that. Yeah, I don't think they ever do go away. I think they probably get further and further apart from each other as you get time. But like, I get them all the time. But, you know, I know it's, it's, it's insane, but so winded. Winded. Um, what's your little bit of your background?

00;03;09;12 - 00;03;16;26
Speaker 1
You said you were, you were born and raised or spent time in between Bakersfield or California. In Arkansas.

00;03;16;26 - 00;03;39;09
Speaker 2
Right. Well, I was brought here from Arkansas. My mother left my father when I was about about three, four years old, I guess. Well had before because I had two or three older brothers. And so she moved up here. Well, later on, my father found out where he was finally after we lost one of our brothers. So I tracked him down and told him.

00;03;39;09 - 00;03;53;26
Speaker 2
And that's when we got to start seeing our dad. But I think I was like nine years old. Start shipping us back and forth. One year would spend here the rest of a year, which being there in Arkansas with my dad. And it was just it was I don't know. I didn't like it too much. Being shipped back and forth was painful, but.

00;03;54;24 - 00;04;02;25
Speaker 1
Yeah. Is there was there a big difference in your living conditions from California to Arkansas or vice versa?

00;04;02;27 - 00;04;22;16
Speaker 2
Actually, there was kind of excuse me, as far as living difference with where I lived. My dad, as long as I didn't go out, get in trouble, I could drink, do whatever I want to do it. My dad's my mom was a total different story. She was church. God, you got to be there. Church doors are open. You're going?

00;04;22;29 - 00;04;23;11
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;04;23;13 - 00;04;26;20
Speaker 2
Which I look at it now, I think, man, that's the best thing she could've done.

00;04;26;29 - 00;04;27;26
Speaker 1
Yeah, you know.

00;04;27;26 - 00;04;30;13
Speaker 2
Yeah, but, uh, back then, I hated her for it.

00;04;30;27 - 00;04;34;00
Speaker 1
Of course, But yeah.

00;04;35;06 - 00;04;47;25
Speaker 2
That's just the way it was growing up. I never really clicked in with other people, if you know what I mean. They had their little cliques, whatever, But I never got along with anyone. Well, I always got along with the girls. Yeah, but that was it or not. I was fighting all the time.

00;04;48;25 - 00;04;51;29
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. So did you start drinking young then?

00;04;52;10 - 00;05;13;03
Speaker 2
Oh, yes, I sure did. As a matter of fact, I had a brother when I was 12 years old, passed away, and, uh, at age 13, I was drinking. I found up. Drinking was. And I was drinking. I was one of the first one of our click to ever start drinking. Everybody else smoking pot. Oh, yeah. Happy to stand at a store asking somebody to buy me some beer, you know?

00;05;13;10 - 00;05;14;14
Speaker 3
Oh, hey, mister. Huh?

00;05;14;21 - 00;05;20;21
Speaker 2
Hey, mister. I'll buy you some beer. I know a lot of bums on the roads, man. I'd be more than happy to buy it.

00;05;21;13 - 00;05;21;21
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;05;21;22 - 00;05;22;27
Speaker 3
Long as you get them one, right?

00;05;23;07 - 00;05;23;27
Speaker 2
Pretty much.

00;05;24;03 - 00;05;33;22
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. You. So at a young age, you start and then did. Do you remember what it was like the first day or the first time you tried it?

00;05;34;00 - 00;05;36;17
Speaker 2
I loved it The first time I tried it, I remember it.

00;05;38;05 - 00;05;39;20
Speaker 1
Like your first kiss. So it.

00;05;39;20 - 00;05;59;10
Speaker 2
Was. I'm telling you, I didn't get along with people. I mean, I was the little guy. I was maybe £100 at the most when I was at school. I was a little tall, skinny guy, and I had a mouth on me that you wouldn't believe. I got in trouble a lot by everybody. I had never ceased. I couldn't keep a bike at school.

00;05;59;10 - 00;06;21;18
Speaker 2
People steal it, throw it away, or it just a lot of things in my childhood that I remember, it was just stupid. It was me trying, hoping the best to get along with people that I never could get along with and hoping to fit in but was never able to do it. But when I found beer, I found my place and then I thought a lot of questions for me back then, you know?

00;06;21;28 - 00;06;35;01
Speaker 1
Yeah. When did you discover that you may have a problem? I mean, obviously you probably didn't know it then. No, but where was that in the timeline?

00;06;35;01 - 00;06;45;13
Speaker 2
I guess it was when my mother figured out that my mother was, all she did was work. So we had when we all lived in my mom, it was we raised ourselves.

00;06;45;27 - 00;06;46;16
Speaker 1
Every time.

00;06;46;16 - 00;07;02;17
Speaker 2
Mom did her job by didn't let us starve. That was her job. Yeah, you know, that was it. We couldn't come crying home to nothing. We could never get know her to do anything. Go do anything for us or anything else. You know, it was really depressing. No wonder I found alcohol. So. Really, you.

00;07;02;17 - 00;07;03;12
Speaker 1
Know. Yeah.

00;07;04;07 - 00;07;09;14
Speaker 2
And I tell you what, Still today, I had the best time in my life back then.

00;07;09;29 - 00;07;10;12
Speaker 1
I guess.

00;07;11;22 - 00;07;14;27
Speaker 3
Were you in a lot of, like, clubs and playing sports and all of that?

00;07;15;00 - 00;07;22;29
Speaker 2
No, I hated sports. I hated it. As a matter of fact, we used to get drunk, go down there to the college down there, cut their nets and everything, and use them like trampoline.

00;07;23;21 - 00;07;25;27
Speaker 1
I really.

00;07;25;27 - 00;07;36;10
Speaker 2
Hated everything. It was good sports, just as I always said. One of the guys there, there he came, a big time football player for the Oilers. Houston used to back there.

00;07;36;14 - 00;07;37;00
Speaker 1
It was.

00;07;37;00 - 00;07;47;15
Speaker 2
Yeah. Anyways, he went playing football for them professionally and I said the only reason he got any good at that game is because he chased me every day of school to beat my ass.

00;07;47;15 - 00;07;47;22
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;07;47;22 - 00;07;49;06
Speaker 3
To hone those skills somehow.

00;07;49;11 - 00;07;50;20
Speaker 1
Yeah. Oh.

00;07;51;02 - 00;07;54;23
Speaker 2
My God. I could run I think nine out of ten times. They'd never catch.

00;07;54;23 - 00;08;03;10
Speaker 1
Me. Yeah, Yeah. So. So when you. What age do you think you were when you figured out you had an issue?

00;08;04;15 - 00;08;11;21
Speaker 2
The first time was where my mom figured out that she could not handle this no more. And she just. My last two years of high school.

00;08;11;29 - 00;08;12;21
Speaker 1
Last year.

00;08;12;21 - 00;08;24;07
Speaker 2
She said, Your stay with your dad, you ain't coming back to Taft. Which if anybody knows anything about Taft, it's just that's all there is. It's so small. You know what's going to click with somebody like that? You ain't getting out of it.

00;08;24;08 - 00;08;24;26
Speaker 1
No, no.

00;08;25;05 - 00;08;26;06
Speaker 2
You know.

00;08;26;06 - 00;08;29;04
Speaker 1
So you end up going into the Air Force, right?

00;08;29;11 - 00;08;50;26
Speaker 2
Yes, I did. Only because my father was in it. Me and him was identically alike. That's why I couldn't stand to be around them. We were almost identical, man, in the ways we looked and everything else. But he was a he was a jack of all trades. He did everything, you know, so early as I could right out of high school.

00;08;51;08 - 00;09;08;12
Speaker 2
I've done I remember the last year of high school, I worked two job whenever I get off school so I could buy my first car. And then before I got into high school, I signed up to go into the Air Force, which was amazing story by itself because all through school I hated school. I got FS all the time.

00;09;09;16 - 00;09;17;18
Speaker 2
And my dad, believe it or not, my last year of high school, he told me if I got straight A's, he'd buy me whatever car I wanted. Well, yeah.

00;09;17;19 - 00;09;19;05
Speaker 3
I don't think he believed you're going to do it.

00;09;19;22 - 00;09;33;03
Speaker 2
He did believe. I didn't believe I was going to do it, but I did it. I actually quit doing a lot of things and I was, you know, hunkered down and I did everything. But, you know, sometimes you just can't catch up to everything. Yeah, English was my worst subject.

00;09;33;03 - 00;09;33;27
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah.

00;09;34;28 - 00;09;38;11
Speaker 2
But anyways, I got all A's and one B no.

00;09;39;20 - 00;09;42;16
Speaker 1
So you could do the work. You just never applied.

00;09;42;16 - 00;09;54;29
Speaker 2
Just prove myself that I could do to work. And that's whatever. I got it. I was able to get into the Air Force because of that class, you know, that last season of grades. And that was the first time I've ever been proud of myself, you know?

00;09;55;00 - 00;09;55;07
Speaker 1
Well.

00;09;55;18 - 00;10;13;17
Speaker 2
Other than that, I've always been. And it goes way farther back, You know, before we even moved to Arkansas, I was my mother was with a guy that used to beat us, all of us. My mother used to beat us all the time. There wasn't a time I don't remember being young that we didn't go to school. Well, it's on her back all the time.

00;10;13;27 - 00;10;22;25
Speaker 2
Yeah, You know, that's the way we grew up. And then all of a sudden, we're thrown into this society where you got to get along with people. We didn't know how to get along with each other. Yeah, you know.

00;10;23;10 - 00;10;27;19
Speaker 1
Yeah. Every time you spoke up or said something, it was a you were getting whipped.

00;10;27;23 - 00;10;32;00
Speaker 2
Oh, yeah, exactly. Well, you didn't. Kids weren't to be. Yeah, exactly. You know.

00;10;32;16 - 00;10;32;26
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;10;33;09 - 00;10;34;11
Speaker 3
See? Not heard.

00;10;34;11 - 00;10;35;13
Speaker 2
Huh? Exactly.

00;10;35;13 - 00;10;36;05
Speaker 3
You know, you.

00;10;37;16 - 00;10;40;17
Speaker 1
Have you carried you think you've carried a lot of that still with you, too?

00;10;40;17 - 00;11;06;20
Speaker 2
I do. I still do. As a matter of fact, I see it myself today by the many times that I've beat my wife. And, you know, the things that alcohol, alcoholism brings, I've done it. You know, alcoholism and everything else. But like I said, I joined the Air Force. I'm already on top of my game. I promised the Air Force I'd never smoke dope again as long as I was there.

00;11;06;29 - 00;11;10;21
Speaker 2
And I didn't. But by God, I hold the drinking down.

00;11;10;22 - 00;11;11;03
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;11;11;21 - 00;11;20;28
Speaker 2
You know, you got an Air Force in Arkansas at 18. You could drink. Once I got in the Air Force, I could drink all it, you know. Yeah. You can drink in anywhere.

00;11;20;28 - 00;11;21;20
Speaker 3
On base right.

00;11;21;20 - 00;11;38;02
Speaker 2
Now. Anywhere on base. And that's what I did, too, whenever I wasn't in school or doing something else, you know, I was drinking. And I tell you what, that's even on a lot of stuff because a lot of people drink it. It just turns into a big game, see who can drink the most. And the next day. Yeah, you know.

00;11;38;12 - 00;11;44;05
Speaker 1
Yeah, that was a big that's a big accomplishment, you know, to drink and then be able to go to work or still.

00;11;44;14 - 00;11;44;22
Speaker 2
You know.

00;11;45;02 - 00;12;01;03
Speaker 1
Still say, oh, I can handle my stuff. I'm still taking care of my things. You know, a lot of times I know that I've used that as a as a crutch, that I was an alcoholic because I still handle all my business. You know, I still went to work. I still do the things I was supposed to do.

00;12;01;17 - 00;12;06;11
Speaker 1
And, you know, I did them, but I probably didn't do them well. Right.

00;12;06;11 - 00;12;14;02
Speaker 3
Society's measure of a man, right? Yeah. Bills are paid. Food on the table. Provide providing. Yeah. Everything's all right.

00;12;14;12 - 00;12;15;27
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;12;15;27 - 00;12;26;12
Speaker 2
I get back to the Air Force up Anyways, I one time I got in trouble, I would. I got drunk off base and got in trouble. You get in trouble off base when you're in the service. You're in trouble on home base.

00;12;26;12 - 00;12;26;21
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;12;26;23 - 00;12;34;06
Speaker 2
So anyway, so I ended up, uh, checking into my details, wondering how much I drank and everything. Next thing I know, they threw me in a hospital. I'm like.

00;12;34;06 - 00;12;35;18
Speaker 1
What the heck?

00;12;35;18 - 00;12;52;17
Speaker 2
You know, I'm here. I am 20, 20 years old, fixing to go to medevac to a hospital for drunks. Which was it was crazy because they put they put the drunks one floor above the, uh, I don't know, this psycho.

00;12;52;17 - 00;12;54;21
Speaker 1
People, but yeah, the mental.

00;12;54;21 - 00;12;57;09
Speaker 2
Yeah. That they didn't have too far to go once they free.

00;12;57;10 - 00;12;57;25
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.

00;12;59;08 - 00;13;16;15
Speaker 2
Yeah, man, that's crazy. But that's the first time I ever had any idea that I may have been an alcoholic. Well, and even then, they put me through a three month program of being, you know, just time out, away from everything. And even then, I was thinking, you know, I'm too young to be an alcoholic. There's no.

00;13;16;15 - 00;13;16;25
Speaker 1
Way.

00;13;17;00 - 00;13;35;00
Speaker 2
No. You know, I didn't believe none of it. When I got back to service, I said, well, you ain't, uh, you ain't going to your meetings. You ain't doing this because they keep tabs on you, right? And I said, Well, just get me out, cause, you know, I was going to drink. I care. I didn't care what? There's no drinking life lesson for me at age 20, 21, 22, you know?

00;13;36;03 - 00;13;36;17
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;13;36;25 - 00;13;42;19
Speaker 2
That. Yeah, that was the first time I ever in my life ever had a problem with it.

00;13;42;27 - 00;13;48;05
Speaker 1
Yeah. And so. So you've been at this quitting trying to quit for a while, though? No.

00;13;48;17 - 00;13;51;26
Speaker 2
Not really. I never really wanted to. You know.

00;13;52;09 - 00;13;57;03
Speaker 1
People want me to quit. It's two different worlds.

00;13;57;03 - 00;14;05;12
Speaker 2
I've had troubles. I'd go to bars, I'd wake up at the backseat of my car. At least I. What did I'll be bloody, you know. And you know, Louisiana, you go to a lot of weird bars.

00;14;05;14 - 00;14;06;17
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;14;06;17 - 00;14;09;25
Speaker 3
Oh, Louisiana. Yeah, yeah. I'm familiar with those bar.

00;14;09;25 - 00;14;24;13
Speaker 2
And here I'm still only about 110, £130 tops in the service. You know, and I, when I drank I was ten foot tall and bulletproof I guess, because I got into fights a lot, even out of school. I got to fight.

00;14;24;19 - 00;14;26;21
Speaker 1
You know.

00;14;26;21 - 00;14;33;13
Speaker 2
It wasn't till I was about, I don't know, about 40, I guess, when I decided, you know what? I really like my teeth.

00;14;36;06 - 00;14;36;13
Speaker 1
And.

00;14;37;03 - 00;14;38;12
Speaker 2
Quite a bit of them lately.

00;14;38;17 - 00;14;42;22
Speaker 1
It took me 20 plus years to figure that out. That you liked your teeth. It sure did.

00;14;44;12 - 00;15;05;07
Speaker 2
And you know it really. I don't know. Anyways, I just. I drink and drink. It's just all part of the oilfield. When I was in oil field, I ran rigs, you know, and that's just what we did. We drank, Get off work, drink hell. When I first started, we was up drinking on the job we always had. I, you know, I felt beer inside the coolers.

00;15;05;11 - 00;15;05;23
Speaker 3
That's right.

00;15;06;11 - 00;15;14;20
Speaker 2
And, uh, I never really like drinking the hard way. I'm not like I'm lying now. Never mind.

00;15;14;20 - 00;15;15;11
Speaker 1
I do.

00;15;15;12 - 00;15;17;20
Speaker 2
Remember, like, in my mixed drinks when I was younger.

00;15;17;25 - 00;15;18;10
Speaker 3
Right?

00;15;18;19 - 00;15;20;06
Speaker 2
I like the whiskey sours.

00;15;20;06 - 00;15;20;18
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;15;21;03 - 00;15;33;18
Speaker 2
And anything having to do with whiskey. I like this for as long as it's mixed. Yeah, well, until my later years that I like to drink it straight. Yeah. Give it to me out of the bottle. Nice and hot. L want it. Don't. But no, I.

00;15;33;24 - 00;15;38;07
Speaker 1
Warm it up in the corner that. Yeah. Leave it in the car and make sure the heat taffy.

00;15;38;19 - 00;15;39;16
Speaker 2
Just went down quicker.

00;15;39;25 - 00;15;40;23
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah.

00;15;40;23 - 00;15;44;11
Speaker 3
I used to say no ice because I didn't want it to melt and, you know, everything.

00;15;44;11 - 00;15;45;12
Speaker 2
Fell over as far as I was.

00;15;45;12 - 00;15;51;09
Speaker 3
Concerned. Well, then everybody would tell me You're not the type of guy to let it melt. Like, it's not going to be in my glass. Yeah, for that.

00;15;51;09 - 00;15;51;17
Speaker 1
Right.

00;15;52;04 - 00;15;54;20
Speaker 3
Right. I guess you got me on that one. Yeah.

00;15;55;05 - 00;16;14;16
Speaker 2
Oh, my God. But, yeah, it's been a battle of it's. I look at it now and I was always trading one addiction for another because, yeah, I was talking to Sam earlier, I was telling him about the one time I did quit alcohol and I never at the time when I quit, I'd never even thought I was an alcoholic then.

00;16;14;29 - 00;16;15;17
Speaker 3
Right. You're just.

00;16;15;17 - 00;16;16;00
Speaker 1
Going to take I.

00;16;16;00 - 00;16;23;00
Speaker 2
Had just shot my brother with a 12 gauge because I was beating on my wife and he decided he wanted to come in there and get involved in this.

00;16;23;09 - 00;16;26;10
Speaker 1
Yeah. Sorry to laugh, but why? Why did you shoot your brother?

00;16;27;01 - 00;16;28;27
Speaker 3
Because he got in. The family matters.

00;16;28;27 - 00;16;34;28
Speaker 2
In a family matter. Next thing I know, my brother comes in, the door, starts throwing me off my sister, fire my wife.

00;16;35;22 - 00;16;37;09
Speaker 1
And I was like, Are you kidding me?

00;16;38;00 - 00;16;42;26
Speaker 2
And I was mad at the world, man. When I'm down, when I drink. I had days where I was mad at the world.

00;16;42;27 - 00;16;43;05
Speaker 1
And.

00;16;43;16 - 00;16;58;27
Speaker 2
I'd get up and I'd just, Oh, my God, I don't want to face this day. Anybody got in my way. I just want to fight some of my best friends I've met. And life was over. A fight that we've gotten into. Well, I'm not kidding. It'd be like, it's always a short people. They're always fast, really fast.

00;16;59;05 - 00;17;03;07
Speaker 3
They are hard. They hit harder than you think to for some reason, right?

00;17;03;14 - 00;17;06;01
Speaker 2
They are fast like little spider buggies.

00;17;06;01 - 00;17;12;16
Speaker 1
So. But, uh, that's So you were all.

00;17;12;17 - 00;17;13;25
Speaker 2
We were just, you know.

00;17;13;25 - 00;17;16;27
Speaker 1
Working. You were trying to quit then right after that.

00;17;16;27 - 00;17;36;08
Speaker 2
So I was upset. I done shot my brother. I know. I'm fixing to go to jail. For some reason, the cops never came. Nobody ever hurt, Shot. My brother. Sure wasn't going to say anything. We picked the book shop out of leg. You got better. You've got no problem. But at that night, a girl next door neighbor offered me.

00;17;36;08 - 00;17;44;01
Speaker 2
She goes, Come here. I got something for you that's like, Well, yeah, this will make you feel better. And she said, It's methamphetamine. And I said, What?

00;17;44;01 - 00;17;44;20
Speaker 1
What's that?

00;17;45;18 - 00;17;47;21
Speaker 2
I should have knowed what it was, but I didn't.

00;17;47;21 - 00;17;48;01
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;17;48;11 - 00;18;02;25
Speaker 2
I've seen my brother go through it. I've seen him lose his children over methamphetamine, but I really didn't know what it was till I did it. And when I found it, I found God. I want you to know I was going over grandmother's house, seeing grandma. Here, try some of this.

00;18;03;00 - 00;18;07;09
Speaker 1
Oh, my God. I always use ear I was.

00;18;07;20 - 00;18;08;08
Speaker 2
And the joy.

00;18;08;08 - 00;18;09;25
Speaker 1
That I become a firm.

00;18;09;25 - 00;18;12;02
Speaker 2
Believer that this was a new savior.

00;18;12;02 - 00;18;13;09
Speaker 1
Man, Oh, man.

00;18;13;15 - 00;18;21;00
Speaker 2
Oh, my God. It got me away from the alcohol for quite, quite a few years. But then it took everything it ever gave me away three times over.

00;18;21;05 - 00;18;24;11
Speaker 1
Yeah, but head over heels for Florida.

00;18;24;16 - 00;18;27;01
Speaker 2
Oh, my God. I've just fell for it.

00;18;27;09 - 00;18;27;20
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;18;27;24 - 00;18;37;14
Speaker 2
First time I did it. And you know what got me away from that? I got so pissed off at the. Seen the tricks you had to do the games you had to play to get the stuff.

00;18;37;20 - 00;18;37;28
Speaker 1
And.

00;18;39;25 - 00;18;58;14
Speaker 2
All the conning and all the B.S. that went with it. And then finally, one day, I couldn't get my fix the way I wanted. I'd like this ridiculous. I'm doing this, this, this, this all the time. Nothing but a complete circle. I had a boss one time. He paid me in dope, paid for my rent, gave me dope and gave me a paycheck.

00;18;59;17 - 00;19;20;24
Speaker 2
Wow. Because I coached so well, you know, I could work so well. What I was doing dope and Dallas. I did his work for about seven years, I guess. Jesus, I'm trying to think the only way I reason I got away from that, I remember that he decided to make my dope dealer, my tool pusher, and I was not having that.

00;19;20;25 - 00;19;22;20
Speaker 1
Yeah, I was like this guy.

00;19;22;20 - 00;19;40;02
Speaker 2
I thought I was really friends with him. I used a lot of people back then. Yeah. You know, I didn't care about nobody. It was all about me. And it's it's always been about me. I've been married for so long and I have never gave a shit about that woman that I can ever recall until I started getting sober.

00;19;41;00 - 00;19;44;26
Speaker 2
You know, she was just there. She was just.

00;19;44;26 - 00;19;45;09
Speaker 1
There.

00;19;46;15 - 00;19;49;06
Speaker 2
You know, what life supposed to be? She was there.

00;19;49;17 - 00;20;12;27
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. We get caught up in that. That. That life of going from one thing to the next, trying to figure out how to get your next fix. Try to get figure out how to get you next week. You know, I know that last couple of years when I was trying to quit drinking my you know, my wife, I had already been in the hospital for for good.

00;20;12;27 - 00;20;33;13
Speaker 1
Titus and my SO she knew I was already you know, she knew I was drinking and and, you know, I was supposed to be done with it. And next thing you know, she's seen my card being ran over here, my card being ran over here. So she, you know, she was like, you know what's going on, you know?

00;20;33;18 - 00;20;58;17
Speaker 1
Right. So it was it was a because of that, there was a a a game plan that had to happen every day to figure out how I'm going to get my drink some. So nobody will find out. Right. And when I'm going to drink, you know, it was the same same thing, you know. Do you experience that then with meth?

00;20;58;17 - 00;21;06;18
Speaker 2
With meth. Oh, my God. That was my favorite love of my life. She took me on a ride forever, but yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;21;07;05 - 00;21;09;26
Speaker 1
Did it happen like that for you too, With alcohol or. No?

00;21;10;28 - 00;21;12;24
Speaker 2
Alcohol was always my go back to.

00;21;13;05 - 00;21;13;16
Speaker 1
No.

00;21;13;25 - 00;21;23;13
Speaker 2
It was just I knew what alcohol was. It never did give me that high that meth did. But it fast forward time for me in a way, if you know what I mean.

00;21;23;16 - 00;21;25;01
Speaker 3
Yeah. Kind of your baseline.

00;21;25;01 - 00;21;25;12
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;21;26;14 - 00;21;30;24
Speaker 2
It's still I used it every day in order to, you know, to kill time in between work and.

00;21;31;11 - 00;21;34;16
Speaker 1
You know, like I said.

00;21;35;16 - 00;21;37;00
Speaker 3
Yeah, it was your road dog.

00;21;37;25 - 00;21;44;10
Speaker 1
Was so now you know, you got a little bit of time under your belt is this as long as you've had.

00;21;44;27 - 00;21;57;28
Speaker 2
Oh, definitely. Well, no, I take that back. Whatever. I quit meth. I have decided to serve the Lord. And that was whenever I think I was.

00;21;57;28 - 00;22;00;11
Speaker 1
I, believe me. See, I'm 50.

00;22;00;11 - 00;22;01;18
Speaker 2
Five now, so I.

00;22;01;18 - 00;22;02;03
Speaker 1
Guess.

00;22;03;02 - 00;22;06;05
Speaker 2
I was about 43 years old when I quit meth.

00;22;06;20 - 00;22;07;29
Speaker 1
It's about 12 years ago.

00;22;08;13 - 00;22;30;18
Speaker 2
Um, well, I'm 56 now, so do the math. Ten years ago, whatever it is. And I decided to serve the Lord, which I did, and tell, you know, when you do it as a religious thing and you start, I don't know it to me, I start feeling like I was judged. I've been, you know, touched Sunday school and everything else.

00;22;30;22 - 00;22;39;26
Speaker 2
And and I just always just never really, like, fit in. I felt like I always felt like I didn't fit in with the with the religion.

00;22;40;05 - 00;22;40;16
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;22;40;23 - 00;22;42;08
Speaker 2
But I do believe in God.

00;22;42;16 - 00;22;42;27
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;22;43;04 - 00;23;10;15
Speaker 2
And I always have because, you know, my mom introduced me to God years ago when I was a little kid. That's always been part of my life. It's always been my go to when something goes wrong. But I never he took me off meth like that. I mean, one day I decided, you know what? I've had enough. This I was kicked off of the seen as ticked off of playing these games and I just went from one extreme to the other.

00;23;12;13 - 00;23;29;02
Speaker 2
And then one day I'm still serving the Lord. But I remember me and my wife took off on a trip to South Carolina and I had to fly back by myself. She had gone to stay there with her parents a little bit longer, and I had a couple of drinks on the plane. That's all it was, 2 to 2 whiskeys on the plane.

00;23;30;06 - 00;23;39;15
Speaker 2
And I remember I had two whiskeys on that plane, got to an airport for a layover, had two or three more whiskeys. And it was just I was an.

00;23;39;15 - 00;23;40;09
Speaker 1
Alcoholic.

00;23;40;17 - 00;23;41;06
Speaker 3
Just a bad guy.

00;23;41;08 - 00;23;44;17
Speaker 2
And it definitely not on me. Then why am I doing this?

00;23;44;17 - 00;23;45;10
Speaker 1
It just yeah.

00;23;45;19 - 00;24;05;10
Speaker 2
Right. Then I'm back to where I was just instantly and it still didn't sink in. So here I am, alcoholic. I'm drinking all the way home at the airport. Apparently they won't save you drinks if they think you've had it. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know that.

00;24;05;10 - 00;24;05;26
Speaker 1
I know that.

00;24;07;12 - 00;24;08;09
Speaker 2
But anyways.

00;24;08;10 - 00;24;34;08
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's what I feel like. That's why they say, you know, it's progressive, because even though it's not, even though you may not be using alcohol, it, it, it, it's always, it's saying it's they say if you are an alcoholic alcohol and you're in recovery, alcohol is outside doing push ups waiting for you. You know, it's still building and still growing.

00;24;35;06 - 00;24;49;29
Speaker 1
It's still never it never goes away. And then when you get back to it, you don't go back to starting out like you did when you were 13. When you first started, you you go right back where you were, if not a few steps ahead.

00;24;49;29 - 00;25;07;29
Speaker 2
That's exactly what happened to and I didn't see it. It took me getting sober to see it. Yeah. And really, you know, yeah, that was right before COVID. About a year before COVID didn't COVID kicked in and it was on. I had to have a bottle every day. Every day. I just found out about it. Yeah, well, I was at work or not.

00;25;08;08 - 00;25;10;22
Speaker 2
Yeah, I had to have a bottled in order to stand straight.

00;25;11;04 - 00;25;12;09
Speaker 1
You know? Yeah.

00;25;12;16 - 00;25;27;19
Speaker 2
Um, it's a sick. It's a sick thing. It's a soulless thing. It's just. It's miserable. It's what it is. And I didn't know how miserable I was until I finally got a little bit sober time. And as a matter of fact, whatever I went to.

00;25;28;25 - 00;25;29;04
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;25;30;28 - 00;25;47;08
Speaker 2
I was there, I think six months. For six months I kept wanting to drink and to drink and one to drink. So finally I, you know, I'd done graduated three months out of the program. And one day I just said, to heck with it. I wouldn't had me a drink and last me a couple of days I was drinking and found myself drinking one bottle after the other.

00;25;47;09 - 00;25;48;25
Speaker 2
It wasn't nothing.

00;25;49;01 - 00;25;49;12
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;25;49;16 - 00;26;04;25
Speaker 2
And I just decided apparently I had enough in my head of knowledge where this wasn't no good for me because I quit it again. I just ended up getting another sober date. Yeah, which was fine with me because it ended up on a 24 foot same day of my birthday. Was it made a lot easier to remember?

00;26;04;26 - 00;26;08;00
Speaker 1
Yeah. You know, that's right.

00;26;08;00 - 00;26;08;11
Speaker 2
Yeah.

00;26;09;18 - 00;26;40;22
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. You seem like, you know, when you first graduated, I was there. Yeah. And. And. And you never know. And somebody. I didn't think you were going to drink again, but it's still seem like you had some, some, some pent up anger, you know, within, within yourself, you know, it seemed like you still were resentful towards whatever you were resentful for.

00;26;41;13 - 00;26;43;07
Speaker 1
I, I don't know if that's true or not.

00;26;43;08 - 00;26;59;04
Speaker 2
Tell you what I'm resentful for. I started drinking at an early age and I drink to drown out memories of childhood. Childhood to me, was nothing but trauma. And it's so weird how you turn into the exact same thing that you learn to hate. 30 years.

00;26;59;13 - 00;27;01;07
Speaker 1
You know?

00;27;01;07 - 00;27;07;08
Speaker 2
Um, and you don't see it whenever you're in it, you're. You're in. You're in your what? Your sickness.

00;27;07;19 - 00;27;08;01
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;27;08;15 - 00;27;09;28
Speaker 2
You don't see it till you do.

00;27;09;28 - 00;27;10;13
Speaker 1
You're out.

00;27;10;14 - 00;27;15;23
Speaker 2
You thing and you're faced with. Okay, well, when's the last time you were sober? I mean, really.

00;27;17;00 - 00;27;20;23
Speaker 1
Um, squeaky clean, sober. Yeah. Yeah.

00;27;21;28 - 00;27;22;20
Speaker 2
Good Lord.

00;27;23;03 - 00;27;31;02
Speaker 1
Yeah. It's your childhood trauma that all stem around that one day in your mom's life.

00;27;31;17 - 00;27;48;01
Speaker 2
Well, yes, That and the way we've raised is, you know, you're just going to eat, and that's it. You know, we don't sit down as a family or nothing. The mom always worked, stepfather always worked. So we always had the house to ourselves doing whatever we want to do, which left us a lot of time, get in trouble.

00;27;48;02 - 00;27;48;14
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;27;49;05 - 00;27;53;10
Speaker 2
And she raised us to where we were grounded most of our life. But we always.

00;27;53;10 - 00;27;56;06
Speaker 1
Left. Yeah. You know, she was.

00;27;56;06 - 00;28;16;22
Speaker 2
She was grounded all the time. We, in fact, we would never got out if we wouldn't. So doing what you call it, just hate hating life. We hated life with Young. He wouldn't do anything. Get out. Go get high, go get drunk. Don't do anything. That's just the way we lived. We're young.

00;28;16;22 - 00;28;31;07
Speaker 1
Do you have a time that you remember? That you recall where you were happy? I don't.

00;28;32;19 - 00;28;33;15
Speaker 2
I really don't.

00;28;34;03 - 00;28;37;08
Speaker 1
Because you said you were proud of yourself when you got those good days.

00;28;37;08 - 00;28;40;13
Speaker 2
I'm. Yeah, proud of my proud then that was a happy time.

00;28;40;14 - 00;28;41;11
Speaker 1
It was a happy time.

00;28;41;11 - 00;28;42;01
Speaker 2
Yes, it was.

00;28;43;12 - 00;28;46;05
Speaker 1
Yeah. Um, but, uh.

00;28;47;22 - 00;28;50;28
Speaker 2
That's really getting it closer to adulthood there, as far as I was concerned.

00;28;51;19 - 00;28;53;19
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, any.

00;28;53;19 - 00;28;56;29
Speaker 3
Time. Already Getting ready to take off to the service, right?

00;28;57;15 - 00;29;17;23
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. So when you quit, what was it like? What was that the first time around. What was the this, this last time the first time you graduated from group. Well what was your emotions and things? What were you feeling in those first 30 days of quitting?

00;29;18;08 - 00;29;35;23
Speaker 2
Um, it was horrible. It was a roller coaster. It wasn't even a roller coaster. I hated life all the time. The only reason I was there beginning, of course, my wife had had enough and I told her, You know what? In order to save this marriage and you're not moving away, then I'll go ahead and try this. So that's that.

00;29;35;23 - 00;29;39;11
Speaker 2
You know, it takes a little bit of time in order to say, you know what, I only do this for myself.

00;29;39;12 - 00;29;39;21
Speaker 1
And.

00;29;40;12 - 00;29;56;07
Speaker 2
Um, but it was horrible. I hate it at first. I hated my wife. Put me there. I hated myself for even being in there. I kept thinking, I'm the dumbest son of a bitch There is even be here. I was put my. I am so good at putting myself down. It ain't funny. I let the world do it.

00;29;56;07 - 00;30;12;19
Speaker 2
Four years. I'm going to do it too. Yeah. You know, I hated Wayne. I really did. I don't know how many times I tried to do as much dope as I could just to see if it get me close to death, you know? And it never did. Methamphetamine. Very good at that stuff, I guess these days it is.

00;30;12;27 - 00;30;14;01
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. Because it's. Yeah.

00;30;14;10 - 00;30;17;12
Speaker 3
You get all that and all in it now. Yeah. That'll do the.

00;30;17;12 - 00;30;22;11
Speaker 1
Trick. Yeah. Yeah. So miserable the first 30 days.

00;30;22;17 - 00;30;27;28
Speaker 2
Oh yeah. And it, you know, I drank as much as I could I guess. I don't remember. I was a blackout drunk.

00;30;28;02 - 00;30;28;12
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;30;29;06 - 00;30;34;08
Speaker 2
I always. I remember getting off work daily. I'd just go and drank a little bit, I guess.

00;30;34;08 - 00;30;38;27
Speaker 1
Got to drink a little. Just a little bit. Yeah.

00;30;38;27 - 00;30;45;13
Speaker 2
That's all I'm going to drink. I wake up next day. And how much do I drink? Oh, you drank about a gallon and a half. What? Oh, God.

00;30;45;16 - 00;30;47;04
Speaker 3
Jesus.

00;30;47;04 - 00;30;49;20
Speaker 1
Yeah. It always starts out with just. Just a little bit.

00;30;49;27 - 00;30;54;20
Speaker 2
Right? And I work night shift, so I work by myself, and I could get away with it all the time.

00;30;54;29 - 00;30;56;08
Speaker 1
Yeah. You know.

00;30;56;08 - 00;31;01;12
Speaker 2
Another thing that brought me to it is a spill. Quite a bit of oil on the ground for my company.

00;31;01;20 - 00;31;02;08
Speaker 1
Oh, you did?

00;31;02;16 - 00;31;03;01
Speaker 2
I did.

00;31;03;28 - 00;31;05;05
Speaker 1
And I.

00;31;05;10 - 00;31;06;18
Speaker 2
I am so, uh.

00;31;08;18 - 00;31;09;07
Speaker 1
I don't know.

00;31;09;17 - 00;31;23;17
Speaker 2
What, what do you call that? Whenever you like a, uh. What's the word I'm looking for. I would not let that go down as I was stupid and did that. I did not want to do that.

00;31;23;24 - 00;31;25;04
Speaker 1
You wouldn't take ownership of it.

00;31;25;11 - 00;31;29;13
Speaker 2
I took, you know, I was not going to let them think that I was just stupid. And I let.

00;31;29;13 - 00;31;30;12
Speaker 1
That happen, right? Yeah.

00;31;30;18 - 00;31;32;28
Speaker 2
Oh, that's right. You know what? I might be an alcoholic.

00;31;33;06 - 00;31;35;11
Speaker 1
Yeah. You need.

00;31;35;23 - 00;31;37;08
Speaker 3
You say where you go.

00;31;37;23 - 00;31;44;12
Speaker 2
And I tell you, my work was so good with me. They gave me a paycheck and everything. Let me go through this program and kept me on. I couldn't believe.

00;31;44;12 - 00;31;44;25
Speaker 1
It.

00;31;44;25 - 00;31;47;12
Speaker 2
Yeah. And I spent a lot of money on a freaking ground.

00;31;47;23 - 00;31;49;06
Speaker 1
You know? Wow.

00;31;50;07 - 00;31;54;00
Speaker 2
EPA had to be notified. Everybody had to be notified. That's how much I spelt.

00;31;54;00 - 00;31;54;16
Speaker 3
Oh, yeah.

00;31;54;16 - 00;31;58;02
Speaker 2
Well, by God, it wasn't me that did it. It was my alcoholism.

00;31;58;02 - 00;32;01;01
Speaker 3
That's exactly what it was. I mean, it. Maybe it was.

00;32;01;10 - 00;32;02;11
Speaker 1
That was. I know.

00;32;02;11 - 00;32;04;11
Speaker 3
Yeah, it was. You know.

00;32;04;11 - 00;32;04;25
Speaker 1
I don't know.

00;32;05;13 - 00;32;13;09
Speaker 2
That's Yeah. There's so many reason led me to recovery. Wasn't even funny. That's how I got to where I didn't care about anything. All I care about was that.

00;32;13;09 - 00;32;16;28
Speaker 1
Bottle, and that's it. Do you have a different outlook now?

00;32;17;18 - 00;32;37;03
Speaker 2
Yeah, I do. I've got, like you. I got some things I'd like to start doing. Mine's a little bit more girlish. I want to take up sewing. I always want to do that. I've got me a little bitty sewing machine. I'm finally getting another one, but it's just, uh, stuff like that stuff I sit down and do with my hands, you know, That's kind of stuff I like to do.

00;32;37;15 - 00;32;55;10
Speaker 1
Is then roll with sewing. My my uncle, before he passed, when my dad opened up his first body shop, my uncle moved next to him or had a shop next to him, and he was an upholstery shop, right? So yeah, they would go to him to do the upholstery and my dad would do the full paint work and body work.

00;32;55;10 - 00;32;56;14
Speaker 2
And that's all something.

00;32;56;17 - 00;33;09;13
Speaker 1
But yeah, he ended up passing away. But it's, that is always something to that's always been on my mind to, to try and learn maybe later on down down in life I would something I would like to like to try.

00;33;09;13 - 00;33;12;08
Speaker 2
And it's so easy to learn stuff these days just by YouTube.

00;33;12;08 - 00;33;14;14
Speaker 1
That's where I learned. That's how I learned how to do that.

00;33;14;14 - 00;33;15;29
Speaker 2
How to use one all the sudden, okay.

00;33;15;29 - 00;33;37;06
Speaker 1
Well, do it this way. It's not easy. Yeah. Yeah. My, that's how I learned how to do podcast. I just started looking up what you need to buy, right? You know how to put it together, how to use it. And then all of a sudden it just started coming together. And then the next thing you know, that's. It's so much easier than having to read a book.

00;33;37;13 - 00;33;37;17
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;33;38;25 - 00;33;40;02
Speaker 3
You're watching YouTube video.

00;33;40;13 - 00;34;06;22
Speaker 1
Yeah. Oh, yeah, Yeah. You know, but it just, it there's a lot of knowledge out there that now is available and readily available. You know, my my son, both of them have iPads, and they, uh, you know, if they have a question, they don't ask mom and dad their Siri on their phone, you know, that little computer, a computer girl.

00;34;07;09 - 00;34;18;15
Speaker 1
And so they ask her everything, you know, what's so everything he wants to know. He says, Oh, you know what? I'm going to look it up. And you just ask it and it tells him what he wants to know.

00;34;19;00 - 00;34;22;09
Speaker 3
So it saves a lot of time for me having to tell them. I don't know.

00;34;22;12 - 00;34;44;07
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, no. Well, I'll tell him. I don't know. Check on your search it and that's what I'll do. Yeah. So what is life like for you now that you got seven months as to where it was back then and, and what are some of the things that you feel now and motions and all that.

00;34;44;19 - 00;35;08;29
Speaker 2
Well, as far as life goes now, I feel like I got to live life. I'm always trying to get things that take up my time. I don't want know, still time. If I'm always in Bakersfield, I live in Taft. I drive 30 miles here just about every other day, just just so I can be doing something I don't when I'm idle, that's when I, you know, like I said, I'm afraid when my wife leaves that I might decide to fall into idle hands.

00;35;08;29 - 00;35;21;22
Speaker 2
Yeah, but that's just. I'm just busy. Seem like I'm so busy nowadays as compared to what I was, I would always sit in the backyard, you know, I always drink alone, but only because nobody else but, you know.

00;35;21;23 - 00;35;25;19
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's a good point. Uh, yeah.

00;35;25;28 - 00;35;47;06
Speaker 2
Um, it's totally changed. My outlook on life has changed. I think I'm starting to learn to like myself. I've got people in every corner of me pushing me on. I've got a helping me out. I've got, uh, I've got therapists I call upon. I actually talk to one once a week, and, uh, and my family's all for it.

00;35;47;10 - 00;36;06;18
Speaker 2
I actually got my mother to go to something of mine finally. Well, she went to that graduation with us, and that was awesome with me. That was the only thing she's ever been to a mine. Really? Really. That blew me away. I was so happy with that. Yeah. So recovery is just nothing more to offer than life, really.

00;36;07;10 - 00;36;13;14
Speaker 2
And, uh, for me, I've got to be constantly in it because I know me. I've seen idle time too many times.

00;36;14;05 - 00;36;37;26
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually those thoughts when they hit me is when I'm bored. Yeah. You know, when I'm. When I'm tired. And when I'm bored when I'm by myself. Or when I'm. When I go to work or on my way home from work, you know, it just hits, you know, I'll drink, which are nice, but I have to I have to remember that pain and that misery I was in.

00;36;37;26 - 00;36;38;05
Speaker 1
It's hard.

00;36;38;05 - 00;36;38;19
Speaker 2
To do.

00;36;38;27 - 00;36;39;19
Speaker 1
Yeah, sometimes.

00;36;39;19 - 00;36;40;25
Speaker 2
Yeah, it really is. Yeah.

00;36;41;08 - 00;36;41;21
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;36;42;19 - 00;36;58;13
Speaker 2
It's not just the pain and misery that you caused other people because, you know, that's what blew me away about recovery. That will happen. The crazy part is all the pain and stuff you did when you were drunk. Because that's expected. Yeah. It's all the thinking. You could go back and just drink pint or something like that, you know?

00;36;58;13 - 00;37;06;22
Speaker 2
That's what that was the hardest part to come across my head. Oh, well, I'm not as crazy as I thought it was. That's normal.

00;37;07;13 - 00;37;08;04
Speaker 1
But this.

00;37;08;05 - 00;37;09;19
Speaker 2
Is normal. That's a write off.

00;37;09;22 - 00;37;10;10
Speaker 1
You know, to.

00;37;12;00 - 00;37;12;14
Speaker 2
You know.

00;37;12;24 - 00;37;13;09
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;37;13;21 - 00;37;14;19
Speaker 2
Oh, my goodness.

00;37;14;20 - 00;37;35;27
Speaker 3
That's a benefit of the rooms and being in those walls with people like us. You know what I mean? We get to hear people share and we get to realize that we're not the only ones that we're doing these slightly outrageous things on a daily basis, you know, hurting the people around us, hurting ourselves. You know, we weren't crazy.

00;37;35;27 - 00;37;55;09
Speaker 3
This isn't something we're not that super unique 1 billion type of thing. Like this is something that afflicts a lot of us. We all go through it and there's a way for us all to get better if we want it. Yeah, So that's just one of those great things about being in those rooms. You're not as crazy as you think.

00;37;55;09 - 00;38;13;27
Speaker 2
I enjoy being in rooms. I feel like I, I, I'm part of something in them rooms. Just the alcohol made me feel a part of something, right? When I'm in a meeting, I feel like I am part of something and I'm part of somebody's life and they're part of mine. And I listen to every story in there and I tell you what, I have been just about everybody's place there.

00;38;13;27 - 00;38;17;07
Speaker 2
And if not, I sympathize with everybody, right? You know what I mean?

00;38;18;04 - 00;38;20;13
Speaker 1
Yeah. You hear your story and their story.

00;38;20;24 - 00;38;21;18
Speaker 2
Yeah. You know.

00;38;21;18 - 00;38;35;24
Speaker 1
You hear those feelings that you felt and those emotions that you had when when that, um, when they tell their their stories, you know, the, the feelings that they had, you know, you go, wow, you know, I didn't know somebody else felt like that.

00;38;36;02 - 00;38;40;28
Speaker 2
The only thing that gets me is I wish I would have got this when I was 22 or 23 years. Yeah, it just.

00;38;41;10 - 00;38;49;06
Speaker 3
I still don't understand how they do that. When because a 22 year old male wouldn't have been having any parts of you telling them that he can't drink smoke.

00;38;49;06 - 00;38;52;14
Speaker 2
I was told I was sit down, I was ordered not to drink and I.

00;38;52;14 - 00;39;11;24
Speaker 1
Oh well I would have. Well that's right. Yeah. I mean it, it almost that's the problem with it is that, that's the kicker is that you don't know when somebody's bottom is going to happen. You have no idea. There's nothing that you can say to somebody out there that's going to get them to stop.

00;39;12;05 - 00;39;13;02
Speaker 2
It really isn't.

00;39;13;02 - 00;39;25;23
Speaker 1
You know, you have to you have to go through it and you have to be so desperate that you're willing to not drink and to try something different.

00;39;26;00 - 00;39;43;17
Speaker 3
When it's hard to get. Well, I would say it's hard, but it's rare. Yeah. For your life to hit that rock bottom, that early on in your life. Usually when you're in your early twenties, you still think like, well, you know, things are bad, but they're not terrible. You might have got locked up, but you'll be a you'll get out or you might have lost.

00;39;43;17 - 00;39;46;13
Speaker 1
Yes, my first few I but all my friends have a DUI.

00;39;46;28 - 00;40;00;18
Speaker 3
I lost my wife. We've only been married a year. I put it in the matter in the first place. You know what I mean? Like stuff like that. And you get a little older and you start losing some things that take you a decade to get. And then you start looking at it like, I threw away that ten years.

00;40;01;27 - 00;40;29;10
Speaker 1
That and you get tired of like Wayne I had a a if I'm speaking out of turn, I'm sorry, but I feel like you were just tired. I think you said you were just most miserable. Miserable, hateful. Yeah. Just not and I'm not talking about two other people. I'm talking about yourself, Right? You know, you hate yourself.

00;40;29;17 - 00;40;32;29
Speaker 2
Well, that the way I did it is I hung around people that are just as hateful as me.

00;40;33;08 - 00;40;33;17
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;40;34;07 - 00;40;50;29
Speaker 2
The guy that I looked up, I call him Papa. He was the most wonderful guys. Jesus did not walk up to in a bar. He was just hate that he looked hateful. You know? Those are the guys I looked up after, man. Yeah, I wanted to be just like, I want to be a dirty old man, drunk frickin, You know?

00;40;50;29 - 00;40;53;25
Speaker 2
But that's just the way I thought you drank.

00;40;54;08 - 00;40;54;20
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;40;55;03 - 00;41;00;20
Speaker 2
And when. What time it turned into a sickness? I still don't know, because I was so sick into it.

00;41;00;27 - 00;41;12;13
Speaker 1
Yeah, you know? Yeah. All your years kind of just get jumbled together, you know, because you spend so much time blacked out, you know, I would you. I would, you know.

00;41;12;20 - 00;41;20;03
Speaker 3
Can you pinpoint your Sam? Can you pinpoint when it went from heavy drinking to alcoholic drinking?

00;41;21;07 - 00;41;53;09
Speaker 1
So I drink in my early twenties. I've always drank since I was young. Uh, about 15, 16, probably somewhere in there. And, you know, it was same thing, same feelings you had. This is, you know, this is cool. And then, uh, from there, well, after I got married, you know, I can remember. I still remember thinking, you know, I have a wife.

00;41;53;09 - 00;42;19;19
Speaker 1
I did what I was supposed to do. I got married when I was 20. So I got married. I bought a house all within two years, spent about my first house. And I said, You know what this is? You know, now she's going to pop out a kid. You know, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm I'm going to work every day, you know?

00;42;19;19 - 00;42;47;17
Speaker 1
And it started with me drinking. I used to drink three tokens a night, you know, every night. And I never it still then was an issue in that I had to go someplace and drink. It wasn't like that. Didn't get like that too. Probably in my thirties when I got to about 30 years old. I just, I don't know the day or the time, but I just always I've always liked.

00;42;48;07 - 00;43;08;12
Speaker 1
I used to smoke a lot of weed too, Right. And then I stopped that. I did. God took that away from me, you know, It was something I had prayed about and was like, Just take it, I don't want it. It's making me, you know, I didn't feel good on it. I was always anxious, you know, and just always, always worried.

00;43;08;24 - 00;43;26;20
Speaker 1
So I was like, I got to get this stuff out. So I did. And it stopped. It just completely one day just didn't like that. She didn't want to do it no more. But with alcohol, you know, I replace it with that. And, you know, I liked, I liked being high. I just like being drunk. I loved it.

00;43;27;04 - 00;43;45;00
Speaker 1
Yeah. You know, And then one day it just stopped being fun. I don't know, like the exact day when that happened, but it just stopped being fun, right? You know, it was just no longer. It just became a routine and something that I just did all the time.

00;43;45;00 - 00;44;01;06
Speaker 3
And it was progressive. Like you said, you had the three tall cans every. Yeah. Which I think we all had those stages. Yeah. I remember the three tall cans being like, like a solid stage. Yeah, right. I mean, I'm just grabbing a battery. Yeah, it's okay. You know. Did you start taking a shot from the liquor store at first?

00;44;01;14 - 00;44;30;27
Speaker 1
Yeah, I started taking a shot here and there. I would just get them in and take a shot and toss it before I got home. And then next thing I know, you know, I was. I don't know. I was miserable at work because work was hard being in the in the in the work. I am I wasn't a I wasn't a hands on person like you probably are, but I was a I was a manager.

00;44;30;27 - 00;44;57;19
Speaker 1
So I manage people and we were in service and we had a service people and, you know, it just got it got hectic, you know, it got, you know, we were dealing with insurance companies and insurance companies. The, the, the because they pay out the claim, you know, they want things done real fast and in a hurry and with alternative parts.

00;44;57;19 - 00;45;13;12
Speaker 1
And it just it's it's a fiasco to try and get you trying to make the customer happy with insurance that doesn't you know it doesn't want to pay what the customer needs to make them happy.

00;45;13;12 - 00;45;14;13
Speaker 3
Right. It's hard. So, you.

00;45;14;17 - 00;45;19;02
Speaker 1
Know, you're also you're constantly you're you're always starting off on your back foot.

00;45;19;13 - 00;45;23;05
Speaker 2
Sound me like you got a had a lot of people at your back damaged you at the same time.

00;45;23;05 - 00;45;31;02
Speaker 1
Yeah yeah. So it's always it was like that was always mentally it was tough so it's not the hardest job.

00;45;31;13 - 00;45;34;12
Speaker 2
But to put it. But it was just a hard job. I don't see how people do it.

00;45;34;12 - 00;45;47;04
Speaker 1
Yeah, but, but it was tough. So I would. And then yeah, I just started one day, you know, drinking to deal with deal with issues at work, you know?

00;45;47;04 - 00;45;47;27
Speaker 3
So drinking at.

00;45;47;27 - 00;45;54;11
Speaker 1
Work. Yeah. Drinking liquor. Yeah, Yeah, I, I put down a deal and then I can make that phone call now.

00;45;54;12 - 00;45;55;09
Speaker 3
Made work a little easier.

00;45;55;14 - 00;46;04;09
Speaker 1
It made it a little easier. And then, you know, it got to a point where I didn't even like beer when I quit drinking. I don't. I. I don't. I wasn't a beer drinker. I don't like.

00;46;04;09 - 00;46;05;11
Speaker 3
Beer. Right. Yeah.

00;46;05;13 - 00;46;18;14
Speaker 1
I wanted liquor. Yeah, it and whiskey, vodka, whatever. You know, I never really got into tequila, but whiskey and vodka, you know, wine. Hello. Wine, Red wines. Marlo's.

00;46;19;03 - 00;46;27;11
Speaker 3
Only if. Only if I ran out and I had to start drinking the white stuff because I couldn't drive to the store. Yeah, I start drinking the wine and everything, you know?

00;46;27;11 - 00;46;30;17
Speaker 1
So I. It's just something that I did. I did, you know.

00;46;30;17 - 00;46;32;25
Speaker 2
Always regulate my what I. By the.

00;46;33;07 - 00;46;33;09
Speaker 1
Way.

00;46;33;21 - 00;46;35;05
Speaker 2
What brought me to jail.

00;46;35;16 - 00;46;35;26
Speaker 1
You know.

00;46;37;15 - 00;46;38;17
Speaker 2
Drinking no more tequila.

00;46;38;18 - 00;46;40;19
Speaker 1
Yeah, that that was a problem.

00;46;40;19 - 00;46;40;27
Speaker 2
It was.

00;46;40;27 - 00;46;42;26
Speaker 1
Never good, you know?

00;46;44;27 - 00;46;49;27
Speaker 2
Oh, my God. I could never stand vodka. It smelt like rubbing alcohol. I hated the smell.

00;46;49;28 - 00;46;50;16
Speaker 1
That stuff.

00;46;50;16 - 00;46;52;06
Speaker 3
Yeah, I got whiskey.

00;46;52;06 - 00;46;54;15
Speaker 2
Oh, man, I could swim in that stuff. I swear.

00;46;54;15 - 00;47;18;26
Speaker 3
Whiskey was a pleasure for me to drink. You know what I mean? And sometimes I would spend extra money just so I can enjoy a higher quality of whiskey. I wasn't going to spend an extra penny on a higher quality of tequila or vodka or whatever it is, because it disgusts me, regardless of what it is, still going to drink it because I got to make it happen, you know what I mean?

00;47;19;08 - 00;47;35;24
Speaker 3
But it was clear I'm either going to there's two F's I'm going to do if I drink clear, you can pretty much figure out what those are. I'm going to fight or I'm going to, you know, and then when I drink whiskey or some bourbon or some scotch, something dark, something rich and robust, I get real mellow, I get real cool.

00;47;35;24 - 00;47;44;06
Speaker 3
I don't want to fight. All of a sudden, I want to sit back and talk and have a good time. You know, you guys have adverse reactions to the liquor. It just didn't matter.

00;47;45;01 - 00;47;59;28
Speaker 1
Oh, I was still the same type of drug. And that's the other problem with me is that I never was a fighter or anything like that. When I got drunk, I actually got easier to deal with. You know, I, I don't.

00;47;59;28 - 00;48;01;13
Speaker 2
Remember ever wanting to fight either.

00;48;01;13 - 00;48;02;01
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;48;02;28 - 00;48;05;00
Speaker 2
Here I am. A place I shouldn't be.

00;48;05;07 - 00;48;25;25
Speaker 1
Yeah. You know, remember? Because you were blacked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes back to that. That joke. If you ever had sex with a chicken, you know, Have you ever had sex with a chicken? And I says, I don't know. And he says, Have you ever been blacked out drunk? And he says, Yeah. He says, Well, how do you know you had sex with a chicken?

00;48;25;25 - 00;48;29;08
Speaker 2
The truck's pretty sick, man. Someone figured out of an egg a fifth and.

00;48;31;19 - 00;48;31;28
Speaker 1
Somebody.

00;48;32;01 - 00;48;33;02
Speaker 2
That bird. One day.

00;48;33;24 - 00;48;38;05
Speaker 1
I think it's just a bed of war weight. I don't think. I don't know. Literally, there's.

00;48;38;05 - 00;48;42;19
Speaker 3
A lot of farms out there, you know, as you know.

00;48;43;00 - 00;48;44;18
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's. Oh, my.

00;48;44;18 - 00;48;45;04
Speaker 2
Goodness.

00;48;45;04 - 00;49;05;17
Speaker 1
But yeah. So now what are your thoughts? And you talked about it a little bit, but what are your how are you dealing with the day to day? You said you keep busy. What are some of the tools that you use that we've learned to keep you away from, from reusing and drinking right now?

00;49;05;18 - 00;49;27;28
Speaker 2
So the steps I'm still looking for that spiritual. I'm still looking for that spiritual. I can see it. I can see it happening. I see it in the way that I, I see it in the way I breathe anymore. I can actually breathe better, you know? God, COPD and a man. I used to be a time where I couldn't even walk hardly up the stairs, um, without, you know, dying of breath.

00;49;27;28 - 00;49;31;28
Speaker 2
Now I go to the gym. I can walk four or five miles on a treadmill. No problem.

00;49;32;03 - 00;49;32;15
Speaker 1
Really.

00;49;32;21 - 00;49;53;24
Speaker 2
You know, um, but as far as that goes, I'm, you know, I'm really looking forward to getting these steps. I really am. Seemed like I got all the way to step four. And anyways, my work schedule schedule was hectic, so I ended up having to change sponsors, which he wants me to do it all over. You know, they want you to read with your.

00;49;53;26 - 00;49;54;03
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;49;54;03 - 00;49;59;24
Speaker 2
Anything else, you know, which is all right that it seems like with me, it just seems like it's so slow.

00;50;00;20 - 00;50;13;04
Speaker 1
Well, it may help you too, with the spiritual side of it, right? You know, it may help you because you revisit one, two, or three. But how did you did you get anywhere on four at all or. No.

00;50;13;17 - 00;50;27;09
Speaker 2
I wrote down a list of regrets and then I put them away inside a desk and it's still in there. I've shared quite a bit with my therapist, but I have yet to share it with another.

00;50;27;15 - 00;50;28;02
Speaker 1
Yeah, of.

00;50;28;02 - 00;50;29;21
Speaker 2
Course. Common person, you know.

00;50;30;02 - 00;50;30;26
Speaker 1
Mm.

00;50;30;26 - 00;50;40;03
Speaker 2
Oh, it's easy to share my therapist because I figure, you know, I'm paying her. I just need to get the ball rolling. Yeah, I mean, I'm not LookSmart.

00;50;40;10 - 00;51;07;24
Speaker 1
Yeah. What's his name? Lenny. When he was here, he said that he puts a asterisks by his if he he'll write it out his regrets and then he'll put it instead of writing it fully out. Right. You'll put a asterisks by in that in that Asterix will so that way he doesn't incriminate himself or tell say too bad you know you know I.

00;51;07;24 - 00;51;13;16
Speaker 2
Have also started writing down my day to day is what I do journaling I guess I call it.

00;51;13;16 - 00;51;14;04
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.

00;51;14;15 - 00;51;22;15
Speaker 2
And some of the things I written down in there, I do the same thing I will put out. Just remember.

00;51;22;15 - 00;51;23;06
Speaker 1
This. Yeah.

00;51;24;06 - 00;51;24;22
Speaker 3
That's right.

00;51;24;22 - 00;51;25;11
Speaker 1
Give yourself a.

00;51;25;11 - 00;51;27;21
Speaker 2
Clue. The only thing. Hold that thing close. A little tie.

00;51;27;24 - 00;51;42;07
Speaker 1
Yeah, well, you know, I know that when I do mine, I don't want my wife seen it. I don't want, you know, I don't want anybody get my kids getting it. I don't want that, you know? So, yeah, you just got to make it work.

00;51;42;14 - 00;51;54;12
Speaker 2
Yeah. And that's another thing is it really blows my mind is I'm able to talk to other people and actually tell my wife, Look, these are things I want to ever talk to you about, and I won't. Yeah, And she's actually okay with that.

00;51;54;26 - 00;51;56;15
Speaker 3
Yeah, because you're being honest. Want to.

00;51;56;15 - 00;51;58;01
Speaker 2
Talk to me about I'd be blow.

00;51;58;01 - 00;52;04;12
Speaker 1
Up, you know. How is your relationship with your wife now that you got a few months underneath? You were 30.

00;52;04;13 - 00;52;20;05
Speaker 2
Five. Still, I'm still blowing up every now and then from a chemical imbalance, what I call it, because every now and then I'll blow up for no reason. And I get so mad and irritable. Sometimes I think I tell my wife, I said, I'm feeling a little bit female today, you know, because.

00;52;20;10 - 00;52;21;05
Speaker 1
Yeah, I don't know.

00;52;21;05 - 00;52;21;23
Speaker 2
Where that come.

00;52;21;23 - 00;52;22;04
Speaker 1
From.

00;52;22;24 - 00;52;39;13
Speaker 2
You know, just all of a sudden hits me. But that's another thing. I'm taking a Vivitrol. I think that's what they call it. I'm taking a shots once a month. And boy, I'll tell you what, that is a painful shot. Is it? It really is. To me, it's a firm reminder of where I've come from.

00;52;40;08 - 00;52;40;17
Speaker 1
Right?

00;52;40;17 - 00;52;42;01
Speaker 2
Right. I'm sitting on it right now.

00;52;42;02 - 00;52;42;19
Speaker 1
That was a good.

00;52;44;00 - 00;52;45;03
Speaker 3
You feel like it helps at all?

00;52;45;09 - 00;52;52;06
Speaker 2
Oh, it definitely helps a lot better than than when I did the you know, the pills there at first. Yeah. Naltrexone, I think they.

00;52;52;06 - 00;52;52;16
Speaker 1
Call it.

00;52;53;00 - 00;52;55;01
Speaker 2
When it's in pill form and.

00;52;56;24 - 00;52;57;02
Speaker 1
I.

00;52;57;16 - 00;53;12;21
Speaker 2
Always constantly want to drink. Always I go to, you know, I go in the store, I'd want to drink, I get the, I call them the butterflies because I, uh, I'm like, oh my God, it looks so good or something new. Come out of what's ever since I started getting the shots, I don't have no cravings at all.

00;53;12;21 - 00;53;22;12
Speaker 2
I walk through the liquor aisle, no cravings at all. That stuff is a godsend as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, and I'm using it as a crutch. But for now, they let.

00;53;22;15 - 00;53;30;05
Speaker 1
You're supposed to. Yeah, I mean, you use that until you can get the tools right and work out whatever you got to work out right. You know, mentally.

00;53;30;05 - 00;53;31;08
Speaker 3
Yeah, that's what it's there for.

00;53;31;10 - 00;53;42;21
Speaker 1
Yeah, I, I still take it. I, I take the pills. I don't. I forgot what it's called, but, uh, I take two types of pills.

00;53;43;00 - 00;53;43;07
Speaker 2
Right?

00;53;43;16 - 00;53;53;18
Speaker 1
Yeah. And I take them everyday, but, uh, I a I'll have a year in March.

00;53;54;15 - 00;53;55;23
Speaker 2
Congratulations. You drank.

00;53;55;24 - 00;53;56;02
Speaker 3
Some.

00;53;56;16 - 00;54;11;12
Speaker 1
Of the year, and I, you know, my my sick. The psychiatrist wanted to take me off of them, and I said, Now leave me on those I can because I don't know if they're what I'm afraid of. Yeah. I said now. I said as long as you give it to me, I want to take them.

00;54;11;12 - 00;54;13;10
Speaker 2
I know who Wayne is. I know what Wayne's going to be.

00;54;13;10 - 00;54;14;13
Speaker 1
Yeah, you're.

00;54;14;27 - 00;54;19;08
Speaker 3
I think I feel like you'll feel when it's the right time. You know what I mean? You'll. You'll know. Oh.

00;54;19;19 - 00;54;26;19
Speaker 1
I just. I least wanted to wait the full year. And so once I get the year, then we'll talk about it next time. I, like I said.

00;54;26;20 - 00;54;33;08
Speaker 2
I think I'll know what I'm. I'm, judging by this, when I see an alcohol commercial that doesn't come out with some new flavor of whiskey.

00;54;34;06 - 00;54;36;05
Speaker 1
Good luck.

00;54;36;05 - 00;54;43;01
Speaker 2
I'm not saying You know what? That looks so good. Oh, my God. Every now and then, something, he hit me like Royal Crown. Come out with a new flavor.

00;54;43;03 - 00;54;44;13
Speaker 3
Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

00;54;44;13 - 00;54;48;03
Speaker 2
Every now and then. And I'm. Oh, I love Royal Crown Royal when I could afford it.

00;54;48;07 - 00;54;48;19
Speaker 1
Yeah.

00;54;49;08 - 00;54;52;21
Speaker 3
That was a that was one of my staples. You know what I mean? That and that's.

00;54;52;21 - 00;54;53;09
Speaker 2
My Christmas.

00;54;53;09 - 00;54;53;17
Speaker 1
Drink.

00;54;53;17 - 00;54;54;08
Speaker 3
That in the James.

00;54;54;17 - 00;54;55;03
Speaker 1
Freezer.

00;54;56;13 - 00;54;59;29
Speaker 3
Well, you don't watch sports, right, Wayne? I know you're not really.

00;54;59;29 - 00;55;01;24
Speaker 2
No, not like this. I got money on the game.

00;55;01;24 - 00;55;26;25
Speaker 3
There you go. So? So the Super Bowl this year in the NFC and AFC Championship, all those games. Crown Royal spent a lot of money on a lot of good spots. And I'll tell you, I hadn't had any urges or anything like that in months. Right. And the way they were pouring that new crown, that little perfect pore over that little circle, ice cube, I thought I might have needed some of those.

00;55;27;15 - 00;55;30;19
Speaker 3
You know what I mean? So I fill you with those dang commercials.

00;55;30;19 - 00;55;35;02
Speaker 2
I think it always hits you no matter what. You know, I could have a taste. Just a taste.

00;55;36;13 - 00;55;37;09
Speaker 3
I was doing.

00;55;37;11 - 00;55;43;00
Speaker 1
Basically, you could do it. Just. I could tell you what you want. Just have a taste. Yeah. Yeah.

00;55;43;12 - 00;55;46;07
Speaker 2
I remember that coming home from the airport. That's all I remember.

00;55;46;25 - 00;55;49;03
Speaker 1
He, you know. Yeah, they.

00;55;49;03 - 00;56;05;15
Speaker 3
Call it where they say making reservations. Yeah, that's what I was doing not too long ago. Kind of like what Wayne was talking about, you know, like. All right, well, this is coming up in a few months, and I could probably just do that and no one would know. And I'd probably be all right, you know what I mean?

00;56;05;15 - 00;56;12;18
Speaker 3
Yeah, but realistically, I know that if I. If I have that drink, I'm going to have another one.

00;56;13;18 - 00;56;14;05
Speaker 1
That's why put.

00;56;14;05 - 00;56;17;19
Speaker 2
That out there. Because I know that battle's in here. Yes. And if I put it out.

00;56;17;19 - 00;56;18;06
Speaker 3
Put it out.

00;56;18;06 - 00;56;21;00
Speaker 2
There, then that battle's no longer just in my mind.

00;56;21;00 - 00;56;25;08
Speaker 3
And then you got to deal with some knowing when she's leaving. You got to answer our phone call.

00;56;25;08 - 00;56;28;10
Speaker 2
A lot of this sharing where that comes in. I really do.

00;56;28;25 - 00;56;41;05
Speaker 3
Yeah. It's what's it called? What's the what's that word when you put it out there so other people know and it's it starts with an arm. I can't think of the word recovery.

00;56;41;08 - 00;56;41;16
Speaker 1
Okay.

00;56;41;19 - 00;56;42;24
Speaker 3
I know, right? I know.

00;56;42;24 - 00;56;44;02
Speaker 1
Right. Reservation?

00;56;44;04 - 00;57;00;05
Speaker 3
No, not reservation. It's. Oh, I'm sorry. It starts with an art and a it's accountability. Oh, yeah. You put it out there so people can hold you accountable for it. We're going to know when your wife leave and we're going to know Wayne's by yourself, and you're going to have to answer to all of us because we're all text you, call you.

00;57;00;05 - 00;57;04;10
Speaker 3
What's going on, brother? You know, now. So it's always good to put it out there.

00;57;04;15 - 00;57;14;22
Speaker 2
Yeah, but, you know, you still feel it. You still okay? That's going to be a weak point. I see it coming, right? Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's like, you know, we're looking at road map. Okay. She's going to be gone. I got a feeling this area here.

00;57;14;25 - 00;57;37;00
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's. That's a big thing that. That, that the programs do for you, you know, because I see a lot of kids, I look at what people are are searching for if they're looking for information within recovery. And one of the top things that people look for is how do I quit on my own? You know, how do I quit by myself?

00;57;37;12 - 00;58;06;24
Speaker 1
How do I quit and not go to rehab? Right. You know, those type of things. And there do some people, I'm sure, can do that. But for they you've got to take that extra step and and go into if you have to go to rehab, go to rehab. Because I tell you what, the best thing I ever did was go to I didn't go to rehab, but I went to the behavioral hospital.

00;58;06;25 - 00;58;31;14
Speaker 1
Right. And and and going in there was was a it got me on the track. It got me like you were talking about earlier, how when you're in it, it's hard to see past it. You know, it's hard to see outside of it and think straight. Right. Well, it gets you to that point. I want to get you to that point where you can start thinking straight.

00;58;32;07 - 00;58;49;26
Speaker 1
The other great thing about it is you don't have to do it on your own, right? And you got some drugs. They give you drugs to help you come off the stuff. So you're not you know, you're not having the sweats and you're not you know what I mean? Like, you're coming off of it pretty quick. They're giving you fluids or doing all these things for.

00;58;49;26 - 00;58;50;25
Speaker 3
So that's sick.

00;58;50;26 - 00;59;18;04
Speaker 1
So that's the other reason. So and I don't know why people I drank so that way wouldn't feel any pain. So if I'm going to get off of it, I want to I'm definitely going to go for a way to to be comfortable. And it does help me be comfortable. And then it gave me tools and it said, okay, because the biggest thing for me was I saw a psychiatrist in there right?

00;59;18;04 - 00;59;56;23
Speaker 1
And when I saw a psychiatrist, they were able to put me on to the medications like you were talking about. And and with those medications now, I couldn't drink even if I wanted to. Right. You know, so if you really if you get to that point where you really want to quit, you should really consider going into a program or checking yourself into a behavioral hospital or a regular hospital and and and seek seeking professional help so that way they can give you like that medication is doing for you.

00;59;56;23 - 01;00;21;02
Speaker 1
That shot is you're using it as a crutch. Will you use that as a crutch, just, you know, in the beginning just to get you clearheaded, get you some tools underneath your belt so that way you have something to grab grab from, because otherwise I wouldn't stay sober if I didn't have the tools do that right. That's the main thing is like what what you said right there about putting it out there and being accountable.

01;00;21;21 - 01;00;31;16
Speaker 1
Being accountable. What you done is it you were given tools to say, to recognize that you needed accountability.

01;00;31;16 - 01;00;32;09
Speaker 3
Mindfulness.

01;00;32;09 - 01;01;00;25
Speaker 1
Mindfulness of it, to say, you know, absolutely. I you know, so you wouldn't have got that if you didn't go into a program. Yeah. You know, and you have to see other people doing I feel like me I had to see other people going through it, too. I had to see other people thinking like the way I was thinking, thinking that I would never get off of it and see them do it and then or see people worse off than I was in worse situations.

01;01;00;26 - 01;01;06;18
Speaker 3
Are I needed the stories? Yeah, I needed to hear the stories. And this year, did you ever try to stop on your own when.

01;01;06;26 - 01;01;07;09
Speaker 1
Oh yeah.

01;01;07;15 - 01;01;14;25
Speaker 2
Yeah it never I I'm, I get lucky and three days I've been pretty good. I think I'm going to have a drink.

01;01;15;06 - 01;01;16;09
Speaker 3
I mean, that's what they say, right?

01;01;16;09 - 01;01;33;02
Speaker 2
I could quit for like three days and it got to where I didn't. I couldn't, I couldn't. Well, I think. Okay, well, I know I can't quit. I just try a little, little fifth or something like this. And then he never frickin ended it. I don't remember how much I drank, but my wife knew.

01;01;33;17 - 01;01;35;19
Speaker 1
She and she kept tabs.

01;01;35;22 - 01;01;45;28
Speaker 2
Are some billion in the world. And you wake up somewhere where you should never be. When you wake up, you're when you love the most. Is sitting there all black and blue and afraid of you. It's just. It's no place to be.

01;01;46;13 - 01;01;47;27
Speaker 3
Yeah, yeah, it's. It's rough.

01;01;48;17 - 01;01;58;22
Speaker 2
And she remembers all this stuff. I don't. I could laugh it off that when I did it, I was like, well, shouldn't let me get drunk, I guess. I don't know. I always tried to blame things on other people, but. Me?

01;01;59;05 - 01;02;08;08
Speaker 3
Yeah, that's something that we all used to do. You know, you say stuff like, Well, since I don't remember, well, you must have said something or You must have done something, you know, And.

01;02;08;25 - 01;02;26;18
Speaker 1
But that's you again, being mindful, you know, because now you recognize that as say, you know what I mean? I don't ever take responsibility for my own actions, you know, And that's that's pretty awesome because when you first got there, I seen you when you first came in, you got there about same time.

01;02;26;21 - 01;02;27;24
Speaker 2
I remember the shakes.

01;02;28;21 - 01;02;28;28
Speaker 1
Tore.

01;02;28;29 - 01;02;30;09
Speaker 2
Me up. I couldn't stand it.

01;02;30;13 - 01;02;41;16
Speaker 1
You were all red. You were pissed off and you were shaken up. And then while I talked to anybody that month, you know, So you've come a long ways. So my old.

01;02;41;23 - 01;02;44;28
Speaker 2
Larry said, I remember your first day there. I said, Good, because I.

01;02;44;28 - 01;02;45;08
Speaker 1
Don't.

01;02;49;03 - 01;02;53;18
Speaker 2
I've ever seen you come through the doors with family. I was like, Good, cause I don't do shit.

01;02;53;18 - 01;03;06;00
Speaker 3
Wayne Earlier you said it took you a while. You know, your wife wanted you to go in there, So you went in there. You know what I mean? You said it took you a while to. To want to be there for yourself. You know what I mean? It did. When did that. When did that kick in for you?

01;03;06;00 - 01;03;07;18
Speaker 3
When you're like, you know what? I to do this for me.

01;03;08;23 - 01;03;31;10
Speaker 2
Whenever I relapsed first time. Yeah, right after that. You know, I'm sitting here and I'm drunk and I'm frickin thinking, I'm back right back where I was. And this ain't nothing that's I won't be drunk and I'm going to wake up. I'm going to do it again and again and again. And it just dawned on me that this really there's found it had to be that way.

01;03;31;15 - 01;03;42;16
Speaker 2
That's all there was to it. Sure, drinking's legal. And I could. I could. I watched many of my family members die or some serious something of it.

01;03;42;26 - 01;03;43;07
Speaker 1
Right.

01;03;43;16 - 01;04;04;18
Speaker 2
You know, And I just thought, you know, that ain't the way I want to go. It ain't. I've watched my grandmother and a few other people die of throat cancer from smoking. I quit smoking. You know, I don't want to die that away, ever. And I look at that and I think, you know, the first funeral I ever remember going to in my grandfather he died of a.

01;04;05;15 - 01;04;06;03
Speaker 1
Of a.

01;04;06;15 - 01;04;17;23
Speaker 2
Of cancer also from drinking. And it seem like a lot of people and suicides all kinds of crap. Um, I don't want to die that way.

01;04;18;10 - 01;04;19;27
Speaker 1
Did you ever have those thoughts?

01;04;20;18 - 01;04;21;02
Speaker 2
Oh, yeah.

01;04;21;02 - 01;04;21;23
Speaker 1
Oh, yeah.

01;04;22;14 - 01;04;32;04
Speaker 2
Yes, yes. And thank God I was always bad at how I think a lot of times when I try, it'd be more like a cry for help.

01;04;32;09 - 01;04;32;18
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;04;32;21 - 01;04;37;25
Speaker 2
My younger days, you know, in my younger days.

01;04;37;25 - 01;04;38;05
Speaker 1
As.

01;04;40;10 - 01;05;03;19
Speaker 2
I've always had it drilled into me when I was young. My dad was a Arkansas state corrections officer, and he used to bring me to the prison with him and he showed me exactly when I was young, what would happen if I were ever involved in a DUI or something and somebody was injured? He'd introduce me to people at the prison, you know, Arkansas State Penitentiary that went out since I was a young kid.

01;05;03;19 - 01;05;18;23
Speaker 2
And I've always known not to drink and drive. And a lot of times I didn't drink and drive because my wife was right there with me. I said, No, we'll walk to the store together. You go get it for me. But, you know, I've always been lucky in that field. But there's a time or two I've been caught driving.

01;05;18;23 - 01;05;24;03
Speaker 2
I thought about running off at one of these hills or something. Yeah, you know, just one quick turn and be over.

01;05;24;17 - 01;05;32;02
Speaker 1
So you dad tried to go straight on you. He was like the original. He's the one who made it up. Yeah.

01;05;32;28 - 01;05;46;24
Speaker 2
And I look at it now. I remember when I was in the service, he actually went down to Texas, drove down there to be with that in that program with me. Really, you know, side by side. And even at then, I didn't think it was a big deal. It's no big deal. Dad, what are we doing here? That's the funny.

01;05;46;28 - 01;05;58;02
Speaker 2
Now, you know, my dad was he was taking a serious. I wouldn't take it serious. It's that sickness, man. Well, how come when you're on that side, the sickness, it just leaves you thinking it's.

01;05;58;02 - 01;06;00;26
Speaker 3
It's smarter than we think it is. You know what I mean?

01;06;00;26 - 01;06;01;17
Speaker 2
Cunning. Exactly.

01;06;01;28 - 01;06;18;15
Speaker 3
It's like hunting, you know, It'll make everything that you're doing seem super reasonable. It'll make excuses for all the actions that you have, and it'll show you a promising romantic future with just you in it. And it will make you not care about anything else.

01;06;18;18 - 01;06;34;25
Speaker 2
And the biggest thing, regret that I have as far as being a drunk is my father passed away and he called me. One day he goes, Look. So I got cancer. And I said, Dad, you're too full of crap. You're just telling me that because you want me to move back home with you.

01;06;36;10 - 01;06;37;09
Speaker 3
That was the year he died.

01;06;37;09 - 01;07;03;11
Speaker 2
Within six months later of having cancer. I could not believe I said that to that man. Well, you know, and I. I don't know. He's always been there. All of a sudden he was gone and that's always been one of the most disappointing things of my life as far as I'm concerned about my alcoholism and everything is letting that happen, letting him die pretty much alone and, you know, just not being there for him.

01;07;03;11 - 01;07;13;29
Speaker 2
And he was always there for me. You know, there's all kinds of reasons. I should've quit alcohol a long time ago, but didn't never seen him. Actually.

01;07;14;23 - 01;07;34;10
Speaker 1
You know, the I think the biggest thing for you is that you've already said it and that is that you didn't want to live. You don't want to live like that anymore. You're tired of being mad at yourself, you know, what do you when I got to do it, I was the same way. I was tired of being upset with the job, upset with everything.

01;07;35;04 - 01;08;05;11
Speaker 1
And I really I look back, I had no reason to be. But. But, you know, I would get tired of of of doing the same thing over and over again. Right. I got tired of, of, of having those same feelings, the same being in that misery, you know, just dwelling in it, you know, because I would dwell in it and I would and it would just leech off of me, you know, to the people around me.

01;08;05;26 - 01;08;10;00
Speaker 1
You know, it was it was miserable, too. My wife. Oh, man. You know, I was miserable, too.

01;08;10;00 - 01;08;13;01
Speaker 2
Have you said ever and your wife said you quit drinking? I read.

01;08;13;13 - 01;08;13;22
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;08;13;22 - 01;08;18;06
Speaker 2
My wife used to always have this look of disappointment in her.

01;08;18;06 - 01;08;18;17
Speaker 1
Really?

01;08;18;18 - 01;08;21;10
Speaker 2
The look of disappointment. But now it's no longer there. I don't see.

01;08;21;10 - 01;08;22;22
Speaker 1
Disappointment. It's good, right?

01;08;22;25 - 01;08;32;01
Speaker 2
You know, it's. It's just. I don't know. It's crazy. You guys want to view your point of view changes everything. Wherever you stand. Your point of view changes everything.

01;08;32;03 - 01;08;32;14
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;08;32;20 - 01;08;35;19
Speaker 2
Same situation, different point of view. You're good.

01;08;36;15 - 01;09;09;08
Speaker 1
It's crazy because you always hear that. I've always heard that, you know, it's that it goes back to that little saying that people say that is a it's your attitude and you know, your attitude can can how you how you view things, how your point of view is is is what's going to give you, you know, you just need to be a have a positive attitude you know positive view and when you hear that, you're like, shut up, stupid.

01;09;09;08 - 01;09;32;26
Speaker 1
Nobody's happy. I used to think that. I used to think, man, like, there's nobody happy. There's no if I sold somebody in recovery that was happy. I thought that they weren't that they were faking it right The first time. You know who I'm talking about. I won't mention his name, but he was always smiling every time he came in.

01;09;32;26 - 01;09;38;06
Speaker 1
He's came back since, but he's. He's always smiling, always happy. Everybody knew.

01;09;38;06 - 01;09;39;02
Speaker 2
Him. I know he does.

01;09;39;02 - 01;09;57;06
Speaker 1
Yeah. And when I first got in there, he was in there and he was. He hadn't graduated yet, but he was close to it. And, you know, he was just laughing, telling jokes. And I was like, what's still going to be happy about? Right? You know, like nobody that. Come on, man.

01;09;57;07 - 01;10;00;05
Speaker 3
Is he is he is he in the rooms now? Yeah. Like right now?

01;10;00;09 - 01;10;14;06
Speaker 1
Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. But, you know, it's it's just it's crazy how the point of view part is such a big thing.

01;10;14;17 - 01;10;15;21
Speaker 3
Because now you're the happy one.

01;10;15;28 - 01;10;36;20
Speaker 1
Yeah, right. Yeah, I am. You know, I am the happy one. I am the, you know, my dad mentioned that I, that I the I looked like I was taller. I said now that you just shrink and you know something different. Yeah. It is what it is is that is that I am standing a little taller for whatever.

01;10;36;20 - 01;10;45;17
Speaker 1
I didn't notice it. I'm trying to. It's just something that that has happened and. Yeah. People can people can see the difference. You can see the difference in you way.

01;10;45;19 - 01;10;46;23
Speaker 2
I can see difference in you.

01;10;46;26 - 01;10;49;28
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. A big, big difference.

01;10;50;10 - 01;10;53;00
Speaker 3
So when I came in the rooms all happy, you thought I was full of shit.

01;10;53;04 - 01;10;57;20
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. Which you were.

01;10;58;01 - 01;11;01;04
Speaker 3
Uh, not 100%. You know what I mean?

01;11;01;04 - 01;11;05;21
Speaker 1
But not. But you were. You were. You were. You were still considering.

01;11;05;22 - 01;11;10;06
Speaker 3
I was still considering the heavy drinker as opposed to the alcoholic.

01;11;10;09 - 01;11;17;20
Speaker 1
Well, I mean, that. And then you also said you also mentioned that the the the telling the truth.

01;11;18;06 - 01;11;41;10
Speaker 3
I don't know, though. That's why I was so happy, like being able to not have to lie. I used to lie. Oh, that's so much when I was in my addiction about where I was at, about what I was doing and about how much I drank. And and then it you do it so much that you start lying about things that aren't exactly need, that aren't even, you know what I mean?

01;11;41;10 - 01;12;06;24
Speaker 3
Like, I don't even have to lie about that. What was the point of that? You know what I mean? So that's why I was so happy at the beginning. It wasn't that I wasn't drinking or smoking or doing blow anymore. That's not why I was happy. I was happy for that release. Yeah, but I didn't just that way of always having that my so much anxiety about not telling the truth all the time, because then you got to make sure you tell the same story sometimes.

01;12;06;24 - 01;12;07;04
Speaker 3
Yeah.

01;12;07;13 - 01;12;14;21
Speaker 2
Oh, what's that in there? And that is it. When we're in group, I would always have what these people want to hear. That's what I heard before.

01;12;14;21 - 01;12;17;23
Speaker 1
Before it was like.

01;12;17;23 - 01;12;22;04
Speaker 2
Get around to me. Okay, well.

01;12;22;04 - 01;12;22;21
Speaker 1
You know, a.

01;12;22;21 - 01;12;34;01
Speaker 2
Lot of things I didn't want to share, but like, I actually walked out it start talking about chatter that I just walk out, you know? But I'd come back and explain to them later, Look, I'm just not into a group setting with this right now.

01;12;34;01 - 01;12;35;11
Speaker 1
Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah.

01;12;35;21 - 01;12;47;28
Speaker 2
But, uh, I've come a long way since then. I'll talk about it now, you know? But at one time, I wouldn't. You know, I just. Just. It just brought up too much painful memories.

01;12;47;28 - 01;12;51;19
Speaker 3
You know what you said that was the reason you drank so much, right?

01;12;51;19 - 01;12;53;23
Speaker 2
Was dried out recently at first.

01;12;53;23 - 01;13;00;23
Speaker 1
Yeah. Mm. Well, that and then you carried that on because you thought that that's the way that you were supposed to. Supposed to be.

01;13;00;23 - 01;13;09;26
Speaker 2
A family taught me if I had family gatherings, everybody's drinking. As a matter of fact, our family gatherings, if there wasn't a good fight between our family, it wasn't a good get together right.

01;13;09;26 - 01;13;10;06
Speaker 1
Really.

01;13;10;07 - 01;13;11;18
Speaker 3
Everybody must have not been there.

01;13;12;12 - 01;13;13;10
Speaker 1
Right? Yeah.

01;13;13;23 - 01;13;17;12
Speaker 2
Well, the deans are getting together. Well, it's a good fight tonight. Let's go.

01;13;18;06 - 01;13;21;09
Speaker 1
You know. Yeah. Oh, my.

01;13;21;09 - 01;13;21;21
Speaker 2
Goodness.

01;13;22;15 - 01;13;43;02
Speaker 3
Yeah. There's a lot of passive aggressiveness in my in my family when it came to that. You know what I mean? But yeah, there was always tension, you know what I mean? Like, things were always slow. Good time, great time, tension for the rest of it. Somebody said some somebody did.

01;13;43;02 - 01;13;44;13
Speaker 1
Something to me.

01;13;44;23 - 01;13;46;19
Speaker 3
Exactly. So I'm gonna take a shot at.

01;13;46;25 - 01;13;48;09
Speaker 2
Could with Bobby Word.

01;13;48;10 - 01;13;49;18
Speaker 3
Yeah.

01;13;49;18 - 01;13;51;04
Speaker 2
Bobby's my man. Oh, wait a minute.

01;13;51;08 - 01;14;08;25
Speaker 1
Oh. Oh, I, uh, before we go, I wanted to read this. I had just found this, um, when I was moving some stuff out there, uh, was one of the books that they gave us.

01;14;08;25 - 01;14;09;15
Speaker 2
Okay, Yeah.

01;14;10;06 - 01;14;36;04
Speaker 1
It's this one is Men in Recovery. What does it mean to be a man? And I thought, like, this is perfect for me because you were going to be here right? I said, Okay, So it says, You may not have spent a lot of time thinking about your beliefs regarding what it means to be a man for some of us life up to this point has not involved any serious, serious reflection about who we are as men.

01;14;36;25 - 01;15;12;29
Speaker 1
If being sober is your priority, you will benefit. Looking at how your ideas and society's ideas about masculinity could interfere with your recovery, we learn rules about what it means Be a man from our parents, other family members, teachers, coaches, friends and so forth. We also learn some of the rules about masculinity from movies and television shows. Some of these rules may not be very healthy and productive for you, but some of them may impair your ability to fully realize your potential.

01;15;14;14 - 01;15;49;07
Speaker 1
So with that, obviously it goes to what you were saying about how you were brought up and the things that you you're obviously you're doing some things that is probably or could be a first in your family. You are seeking help. You are not just in a recovery program, but you are also seeking help in with the therapist.

01;15;49;07 - 01;16;12;01
Speaker 1
You talk to a therapist now, what does that mean to you? And was that something that you did ever brought up to you? Or what do you see the biggest differences between you and the way your dad was or your mom was brought up and what they taught you?

01;16;12;21 - 01;16;34;06
Speaker 2
Um, what they taught me was what I thought didn't matter as far as my mom's side went. My dad is more Phil what you call it. Phil's logical or whatever his thoughts, Philosophical, Philosophical? Yeah. He always wanted to know, how was your day? Blah, blah, blah What do you think about it? Or you think about this? That's my dad right here.

01;16;34;08 - 01;16;38;24
Speaker 2
Because he was that, you know, he from the sixties and he still smoked dope.

01;16;39;00 - 01;16;45;04
Speaker 1
Yeah. There Was, you know, But yeah.

01;16;47;01 - 01;17;04;27
Speaker 2
I was. My mom raised us. We're nothing mattered as far as I was concerned. My life was shit. When I moved in with my dad, he wanted to know all this stuff, and I just more or less froze. I wouldn't talk. I didn't that what I thought really mattered. So I never would share too much, you know, with my dad.

01;17;05;06 - 01;17;08;18
Speaker 2
Yeah, It was just. Okay, Dad, let's go have some fun. Let's go do this, do that. You know.

01;17;08;23 - 01;17;08;28
Speaker 1
You.

01;17;08;28 - 01;17;17;12
Speaker 2
Know, and like I said, he was a he was a pilot. He did all kinds of stuff. He had a license to do everything from septic to, you name it. He went to school for it.

01;17;17;17 - 01;17;17;27
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;17;18;04 - 01;17;24;25
Speaker 2
You know, he was just one of the smart guys I've always wanted to be and never could be, you know, because I've killed too many brain cells through the.

01;17;25;04 - 01;17;25;17
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;17;26;19 - 01;17;30;01
Speaker 2
You know, my. My idea of life was how high can I get.

01;17;30;11 - 01;17;30;22
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;17;30;25 - 01;17;31;09
Speaker 2
You know.

01;17;32;06 - 01;17;40;15
Speaker 1
Well, what age were you when you said you were you, you got those last years or that last grade where you got your grades up as a.

01;17;40;16 - 01;17;42;20
Speaker 2
Senior year grade that year. Yeah.

01;17;43;13 - 01;17;56;01
Speaker 1
So you're about 17 at the time. Yeah. So what would you tell your 17 year old self. No, that happy self, when they were he, he was proud of himself.

01;17;57;18 - 01;18;21;09
Speaker 2
I should kept on. I would said stay in the service, begin with, don't get out of the service for any dumb reasons. I could have been retired three times over by now, but uh. Yeah, I guess I wouldn't tell myself anything because it's something that you have to learn yourself. It's. I think you could tell. I don't know how many times people would tell me, Okay, you're drunk, you're drunk.

01;18;21;09 - 01;18;29;00
Speaker 2
You're going to be a drunk the rest of your life. How many times people told me that? I think I'm not just having a good time, You know, I hurt nobody.

01;18;29;20 - 01;18;29;29
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;18;30;23 - 01;18;36;28
Speaker 2
I'm doing what was I thought was the thing to do. I go to work, I get to relax. I'm. I go to work. I get to relax.

01;18;36;28 - 01;18;37;22
Speaker 1
You know, reward.

01;18;37;24 - 01;19;06;17
Speaker 2
You know, as far as what I should be telling them, I guess, is just quit drinking altogether. Just don't drink. Keep doing what you're doing. Stay in the books. And then I. I probably would have been just like my dad. I know I would have. And but I didn't have those disappointments in my life, but. Oh, well, I'm here now.

01;19;06;17 - 01;19;11;27
Speaker 2
I'm going to pick up where I left off. I guess I'll pick up where I left off when I was that age.

01;19;12;09 - 01;19;27;19
Speaker 1
Yeah, Yeah. And I know that there's not much that you can say to somebody who thinks they have a problem or may have a problem. Well, what would you say to somebody who was thinking about quitting alcohol?

01;19;27;19 - 01;19;42;00
Speaker 2
Do it. Do it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And it's like I've heard said so many times in a I've heard Lisa say it. If you don't like sobriety, you can always get your money back. You can always go back to where you was.

01;19;42;15 - 01;19;43;09
Speaker 1
Always get your meds.

01;19;43;09 - 01;19;44;00
Speaker 2
I just.

01;19;44;00 - 01;19;45;04
Speaker 1
Tried.

01;19;45;04 - 01;20;07;06
Speaker 2
You know, I'm seven months into it and I want more in seven months. You wouldn't believe my, uh. My credit score has gone up tremendously. I'm able to put money in the bank. I was. You know, I've got this little app that I look at and tells me how much I've saved. And I think to myself, Man, that's a lot of money.

01;20;07;06 - 01;20;09;12
Speaker 2
I was never able to save money when I was, you know.

01;20;09;13 - 01;20;09;18
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;20;10;03 - 01;20;34;22
Speaker 2
In my alcoholism, never every every penny went to every little set. I wouldn't even think of saving it. Yeah, I go on me now. It's got to go what I want now. Yeah, you know I do it. You have nothing to look. Your family has nothing to lose. You know, anybody that's around you, your work gets better. Everything just gets better.

01;20;34;22 - 01;20;37;20
Speaker 2
Don't think about it one more day. Just do it. That's all I can say.

01;20;38;17 - 01;20;40;24
Speaker 1
Mm hmm. You got anything else.

01;20;41;10 - 01;20;45;26
Speaker 3
Now, man? It's been great hanging out here with Wayne, man. I've been waiting to have a.

01;20;46;07 - 01;20;46;19
Speaker 1
Yeah.

01;20;46;20 - 01;20;51;01
Speaker 3
Have a sit down with this guy. You know, the nice man. Appreciate you coming out.

01;20;51;01 - 01;20;57;04
Speaker 2
I appreciate the, uh. I'm still. All I wanted was an address to see this. I didn't know I was going to be on it.

01;20;57;11 - 01;21;03;20
Speaker 1
Yeah, you do, too. I had no idea. He said. He said you didn't know you were going to be all in.

01;21;03;20 - 01;21;04;18
Speaker 3
He said you up.

01;21;04;24 - 01;21;06;22
Speaker 1
I told you you're going to be on it.

01;21;07;25 - 01;21;18;19
Speaker 2
Well, not whenever I asked you. Lisa brought it up and I was like, Well, you got to give me an address where I can listen to it. He goes, No, you won't come over Sunday.

01;21;18;19 - 01;21;20;02
Speaker 3
That's how you get some of that day.

01;21;20;03 - 01;21;23;20
Speaker 1
Yeah. Rope to it. Yeah. So I appreciate you.

01;21;23;20 - 01;21;24;14
Speaker 2
Way I do.

01;21;24;14 - 01;21;48;03
Speaker 1
I really appreciate it. Yeah. And I enjoy you in the rooms, you know, Keep showing up and keep showing up. You, you. If if, if this can help anybody as mad. You were it to have that switch, that that switch in the outlook that you have now, it can happen for anybody. Exactly. You know exactly you know before anybody.

01;21;48;03 - 01;21;58;09
Speaker 1
So appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you.