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Recovery Check Ins
Recovery Check Ins
Recovery Check Ins Episode 23 with Eddie
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Eddie's journey isn't one you'll easily forget; it's lined with the kind of harrowing twists and inspiring turns that you might think only exist in novels. But in our latest episode, he lays out his raw, unvarnished path from the depths of addiction to the liberating heights of 1,335 days sober. His story isn't just his own; it's a reflection of too many hidden battles within our communities, and as we traverse the nuances of overcoming methamphetamine's grip, transitioning from prescription painkillers to fentanyl, and ultimately fighting for sobriety, we uncover the resilience of the human spirit and the power of hope.
Families often bear silent witness to the pain of addiction, and in this episode, we peel back the curtain on its ripple effects. From the subtle beginnings of substance abuse to the complexities of addiction that thread through family lines, we're given a front-row seat to the realities and choices that can lead one astray or, with courage and support, back to solid ground. Eddie's candid tales and my reflections on my family history illuminate the need for understanding and the role of critical support systems that can be the difference between sinking and swimming in these turbulent waters.
Our conversation takes a spiritual turn as we hear how faith and a personal connection with a higher power can be the cornerstone of recovery. Eddie shares his personal practices, including a morning ritual that anchors his day, while I contemplate the ongoing journey of self-improvement and the quest for guidance. As we touch on the subsequent steps of sobriety, the desire to help others, and the search for a sponsor to help navigate recovery's complexities, this episode becomes more than just a narrative – it's a heartfelt testament to the endless pursuit of growth and the remarkable transformations that await beyond addiction.
To watch go to https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN2HkhKyzBkNzgtrmH95HqQ or go to https://www.recoverycheckins.com for more info.
Overcoming Addiction and Relapse
Speaker 1I lost everything, though, once I got hooked on drugs, on meth yeah.
Speaker 3So That'll do it. That'll do it.
Speaker 2That was my poison of choice for a long time, and then, yeah, that'll do it, that's right.
Speaker 3That'll all right. I want to adjust your headphones, and you know what? Why did that guy push?
Speaker 2it all the way.
Speaker 3Well, that way you want this to, about a fist away from your mouth.
Speaker 1Okay, a fist, okay, there we go.
Speaker 3It's where you're comfortable. You can touch it and move it around when you're comfortable. All right, can you hear me?
Speaker 1okay, yes On the cord, Chris.
Speaker 3Yeah, pick up your foot there you go, there we go. Yeah, sorry, I don't have very good wire control. Okay, just a second.
Speaker 2Well, one thing is you're fortunate you got away from that when you did, because you know I'm here. I mean, you know, with all the NA meetings there are people, so many people, dying from fentanyl overdoses, buying meth. Oh wow, it's crazy. Yeah, that seems like a setup to me. You know you're not cutting this product with something entirely different. It seems like it's a setup.
Speaker 3All right, we're rolling already, so we just basically hop right into it. Eddie, Thanks for coming being here.
Speaker 1Appreciate it. Thanks for inviting me.
Speaker 3Yeah, I do. You know how long you've been sober Sure, how many days you have.
Speaker 1I do.
Speaker 3I know because I had a marine mind off yesterday as soon as I open this app.
Speaker 1Yeah yeah. One thousand three hundred thirty five days, five hours, thirty four minutes and thirty one seconds.
Speaker 3Nice, that's. Did you ever think you'd get that far?
Speaker 1Absolutely not. No, I thought that I was going to be a lifer to the lifestyle that I was addicted to, and I never. When I was in it, I didn't see any, any light at the end of the tunnel, didn't think I'd be where I'm at today, and I never thought I would accomplish some of the things I've accomplished just in the last few years.
Speaker 3Yeah, it's hard to see past the Whatever you're abusing and I'm. It's cool that you said you're addicted to the lifestyle, Wasn't it wasn't one particular, you know substance. Mm, hmm. It's a, I don't know. I guess it's. I don't know if it's the hunt of it or I guess, all encompassing everything that happens when you are using.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, and it's hard to say it's just, it's the rush, I mean the impulsiveness of you know, you know, just living that way, I guess, just living that kind of lifestyle, for sure, yeah, what was your drug of choice?
Speaker 1Um, my drug of choice, it very, it kind of changed over the course of my 10 years in addiction basically started off, I got in a car accident in 2009. Um, I went to the doctor. I got prescribed pain pain killers. Um, uh, and I was on Norcos for about Six or seven years. Um, yeah, and I mean, did I really need them that long? No, was I was.
Speaker 2I did.
Speaker 1I really was. I really in as much pain as I convinced my doctor that I was in? No, not really.
Speaker 3Like I was just thinking. You know the constipation, oh God. Oh God, for seven years, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1Um, it never. I didn't struggle with constipation, so that's a good thing, uh, but, um, yeah, so about seven years of of um, you know, my drug dealer was my doctor and uh, and he ended up. So it, you know, started. I don't know where it came from, but somehow it came up in our conversation. I even know what fentanyl was. Um, I didn't. This is probably in about 2014 or 15. So it wasn't like really being sold on the streets like it is now. Yeah.
Speaker 1Um, but he started prescribing me these fentanyl patches and, uh, I remember putting one on and was like I said you know, I'm not even going to use this. I mean, it didn't even really do anything. So I started piling them up in my uh, one of my cabinets at my house and, um, for about probably four or five months, I just thought they're kind of stacked up yeah.
Speaker 1Um one of my buddies came over and um he, he was uh. He was selling me pills and I was uh, cause of course, I was running out early and you know, I had a bi-extra one.
Speaker 1So I started talking about fentanyl and he's he's uh, he had the he. I started talking about the fentanyl patches that have. He's like, oh, dude, you can, you can smoke those and you can get high off of them. And I was like what, really? I was like huh, and I was like I'm not going to do that. That's, that's crazy.
Speaker 1You know I'm not like so and he's like, yeah, can I have one? I was like, yeah, sure, and I gave him one and he kind of like showed me like what he meant and he did it and then he started nodding off and I'm like, hey, like no, you, you know, you can't be smoking this like this at my house. That's crazy. It was like you need to go do that somewhere else. I'm not going to. You know, you can't.
Speaker 3Yeah, we don't allow drug use and overdose of my house.
Speaker 1So you know it was like so, um, you know, about a week went by and I started getting curious and I started wondering and I wouldn't pull them, started pulling them out, smoking them one by one.
Speaker 2So that's crazy how he planted that bad seed. Yeah. That's all it took and you're telling you drew the line. We always talk about you. You draw the line, you're knocking across and then you end up crossing it.
Speaker 1Yeah, exactly yeah, um, yeah, and I crossed it, man, I and I was, I mean I was scared too. I mean I seen what it?
Speaker 1you know he, he started nodding off the way he did right in front of me is like I I never did that when I took Norco's. It kind of gave me the energy or, you know, I don't know, felt like it did anyways. Um, so yeah, that's where things started getting um a little more intense in my addiction. And then I wasn't just running out of, uh, my Norco's anymore early and buying more Norco's. I was also running out of my fentanyl patches early. I had to come up, I mean. But I was really good at manipulating my doctor, like I mean, I was not in pain, so, um, the the average patches they give you are 10 and I got them into. I got them to prescribe me like 15 every month versus a 10. So I had, I don't know I just that manipulation. It's, you know, all a part of that disease. Um, that keeps us going. Um, so I, you know, now I'm running out of fentanyl patches, buying fentanyl patches, and those were not cheap. Those were probably $50 a patch, something like that. Really.
Speaker 1It's expensive. So, spending a lot of money Um each month to feed my addiction, um, and that kind of came to uh, I realized I came to a realization that, man, I can't afford this. This is, this is a lot of money. Um, I got sober. I went to um uh an IO, an outpatient it's about patient treatment center here in town Um and I got sober. I was sober for about uh six months and um on uh December 30th 2016,. I relapsed. I went back to my doctor and been there in six months, um, I, uh I got him to prescribe me the same amount. You know I was sober for six months, so I'm you know he gave me 180 Norcos and 15 patches and uh went home Didn't tell my wife that my ex-wife at the time, um I waited for her to go to bed and I went out over into our closet and I pulled out the patches and uh I started smoking them and uh next thing, you know, I'm unconscious on the bathroom floor.
Speaker 1Uh, I wake up and I have uh two paramedics over me so I'd overdosed. Um, she said that I was uh, I was blue, I wasn't moving, I wasn't breathing. Um, she cracked my rib, um and while she was doing CPR on me, so wow, yeah, yeah, it's always brought up in the meetings.
Speaker 3how you go from, like you, wherever you pick, whatever you stopped at, you always pick right back off. We're, you know, right there at that spot or even more advanced and you definitely seem like you advanced yeah. You know, but you were also. Your tolerance was probably wasn't there either.
Speaker 1Your body wasn't used to it?
Speaker 3Yeah, uh, that's crazy. Did it stop for you then?
Speaker 1No, no. So, um, the I went, went to the hospital. My uh, my wife ended up leaving, that was so I was. Uh, the paramedics came and they arrived at like 1030. Got me into the hospital. I was Narcan three times, um, and the next, about five o'clock in the morning, my ex-wife she left the hospital, went home. My mom came and stayed at the hospital and eight or nine o'clock my mom, they released me. My mom drives me back home. Um, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was in a hospital.
Speaker 1Um, I remember walking through the front door of my house and I shut the door. I'm walking to my bedroom. Um, my mom, you know, she just dropped me off. So I'm walking to my bedroom and I put my hands in my pocket and I've got a pin and a lighter in one pocket and I have foil with fentanyl on it in the other pocket. So, um, I walk in, I'm walking and I'm taking a hit at the same time, opening the bedroom door with my elbow and walking into my bedroom.
Speaker 1And my wife. She said that she just woke up and as she heard me walk through the door and my eyes just rolled in the back of my head and I'm out again and CPR again went to the. They took me to the KMC, they took me to 3B Yep. So that time one of my friends at the time he was a BPD officer he came to the call because he heard where it was at. So that time I woke up at KMC with him standing over me saying you can get out in three days. Yeah, I kind of laugh about it now, but I was pissed off about it.
Speaker 1Yeah, and I'm thankful. I mean, I'm very thankful that I am where I am today and that I lived, and I actually wasn't as thankful now as I am now for it, because then I wasn't, because my addiction just got worse from there moving forward.
Speaker 3It kept getting worse.
Speaker 1Yep kept getting worse. For a couple months, still battled with my addiction with fentanyl and Norcos, and I got to the I.
Speaker 3Is your doctor, knowing all this, still prescribing?
Speaker 1He's still prescribing. He was still yeah. Yeah, I mean, I didn't tell him. I don't know if they, if you would.
Speaker 3Yeah, you would think that you're a medical. You know if you're in the hospital, but if unless I didn't.
Speaker 1I don't know if maybe. I they would have had to get some kind of release probably for me to release it.
Speaker 1I'm sure I probably wouldn't have done it so, but yeah, for I continued to battle that for a few months and then I started to quit, or I tried to quit on my own, or I kind of did, or I was sober for like three days, I was going through withdrawals is what it was, and I was at work working nights one night and I walk into we had a lab at the place that I used to work at, where I was working nights at, and there was a guy in there and he had a line of meth lined out and he got startled because I walked in and then he's like, hey, you want some? And I mean we're, we worked together for a long time, so I knew him and I don't know it.
Speaker 3Just, I wasn't expecting that, but you know I was like screw it, yeah, yeah is that your first time trying street drugs, or did you switch over from the fentanyl patches to street.
Speaker 1So I mean I had done coke a few times here and there at parties and stuff, so I mean I'd and I'd smoked weed a little bit in high school and so I was about 18, I don't know, around 18 or 19. I had stopped. But as far as meth, yeah, that was my first time using meth.
Speaker 3What was your initial? Was it like you know why was I messing around with fentanyl this whole time? I love meth or was it just like I don't like this meth stuff?
Speaker 1Well, I was kind of going through the withdrawals and I was trying to get off of the fentanyl so I thought, well, I've had. I've read that you know the withdrawal. You know you don't really withdraw from meth like you do from opiates. So I was like I'll just start doing some meth and get through these opiate withdrawals and then you know, I'll just kick the meth.
Speaker 2Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1Yeah, that was my plan.
Speaker 2The stupid disease man.
Speaker 1That was my plan. Yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 3Did you continue on with meth in four while?
Speaker 1Three and a half years later it's about six months later from that first line I had. In that first six months I had lost my house, I lost my job that I had for 11 and a half years and I was, and I lost my marriage. So yeah, Wow sounds about right, and that was within like the first six months, and then it took me another three years to get my head straight enough to actually, you know, get sober. So yeah.
Speaker 3What was the? What was the thing that? Well, let me go back. I wanted to ask you what, how bad was that? You said you were in a real bad accident. It's a car accident. What did you hurt?
Overcoming Addiction and Seeking Recovery
Speaker 1No, Um, my, my back. I got T-boned. I was a passenger and we got T-boned by a drunk driver and I mean my back was. I was in pain at first, Like I was hurt, and I went to the doctor because I was in pain, you know, and and during. So during the accident, my spine separated because of like the whiplash, Because of like the whiplash, and it pinched my cervical cord. That goes down the or my cervical cord, right, yeah, that goes down your spine and it, when it's there's spinal fluid in it, when it snapped back together, pinched it and created a bubble or something inside. So I have a bubble inside the spinal then inside of my spinal cord.
Speaker 1So, I don't know, that's a and that's where a lot of the pain was coming from at first. But it kind of everything kind of went away and I stopped feeling, you know, and I stopped having pain. I don't know when it stopped, but yeah.
Speaker 3Now, what did you ever use? Opiates in street form?
Speaker 1I did yes, so a couple of times I used heroin and then I used. So once I had lost everything and I was out on the street, on the streets using meth, I'd came across heroin and I tried it and I came across fentanyl in the pill form and I'd smoked those. So yeah, I mean they were around, I didn't it was. It scared me, but so I didn't. I don't know, I just I did it. I just tried it a few times, but yeah.
Speaker 3How long were you out on the street?
Speaker 1About two and a half or three years.
Speaker 3Wow, yeah, that's a long time.
Speaker 1Living out of my car, out of trap houses and a little bit of my mom's house. But I tried not to say that much because I just I felt real guilty and I didn't want her to see me like that and what I was going through, yeah.
Speaker 3Wow, what was, what was something? Or when you look back at that time that you were out in the street, is it all just like a big blur to you? Or were there points and times where you was there because you know when we ran the addiction or alcohol abuse, was it? You know? You think you're okay, you know, like you said, you start crossing your own lines that you won't do this, that you won't do that. Did you know that you were pretty messed up when you were out in the street? Or were you thinking that? You know, this is just there was.
Speaker 1Yeah, I mean, I knew that I was, I knew that I there was, I did know that I was messed up, but at first, like you know, starting off, like I didn't think I was that bad, yeah, and the more I would say that I would start. You know, over this period of three years, you know, eventually it started clicking like dude. You keep saying that it's not, you're not that bad, and you know, you can't, you know, feed yourself. You can't, you don't have a place to live, you can't get a job, you can't you know you start looking at the evidence.
Speaker 1Yeah, I start kind of looking at exactly yeah, what I was gonna ask you, what?
Speaker 3what led you to to finally, because how many times did you overdo?
Speaker 1Twice. Yeah, there was a third time too. Somewhere right around I was, and that was on fit. That was street fentanyl that I had got and I don't. I don't remember what when that happened, but I know that it happened. I was at, yeah.
Speaker 3So was what led you to finally get clean? Were you just tired of the streets? Was it? Was there a particular? Because for a lot of the people, a lot of times that I talk to when they come on the podcast, is there's like a certain moment where they get fed up but there's a big event a lot of times around that. Was there any big event for?
Speaker 2you when you reach that. You get to that point. You know they talk about the gift of desperation. Yeah. You know, when you hit that, you're like you know what? I just? You've been in that rut for so damn long. You're like I just need to, I need to. Something needs to change.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2You know you're so used to because you figure out how to survive. You know you're hanging around, you find people and you learn things and this is, you know, this is the life. But you know, fortunately for you, you had 11 and a half years of success so at some point that started to kind of probably kind of you know you're getting these reminders of man. You know I'm not sure I like this. Sometimes it. You know it takes it took me a long time, years, to finally be like. You know this is not working.
Speaker 1Yeah, so yeah, and that's it. You know just those reminders along the way thinking back while I was in my addiction about you know that you know just some of this. I mean I don't know that, I mean I guess like I don't know if I was successful, but I know that I knew that I could be in a better position than I was. And you know you're out there on the street and you know you find these ways to survive. You know these hustles. Everybody's a hustler on the street. You know, all of a sudden then they just they've got these hustles and in my mind I'm thinking I was like dude, this is doing way too much. Like it's easier to go to a go, get a job and work for eight hours than it is to go, you know to plan out a.
Speaker 2You know get all this trouble. There's a lot of work involved.
Speaker 1Yeah, there's a lot of planning, a lot of work and I'm like, dude, this is not worth a lot of stress on me because I wasn't really, like you know, I guess, raised like that I guess in a sense. But so I mean, yeah, just those little moments. Also, you know, I have kids, I have a family that you know I care for and I love, and you know, and I had all this shame and guilt built up inside me and I didn't really know how to deal with it. So, you know, it's just me trying to problem solve, like, how can I fix this? How can I, you know, I guess you know fix the things that I've done? And I came, come to the realization that I wasn't gonna be able to fix anything while I was still using, because I had tried that and that wasn't working. So the next best thing was to get sober.
Speaker 2And so how did you? What was your first big move, your first big step to get that?
Speaker 1So there was one step that I took where I just kind of cut cold turkey and I was sober for about a week and I was going to go. I went to an interview, I had an interview and that didn't really work. So right after that I had the big first step that I really took to get sober was to leave California and to leave the where I was at because it was to leave Bakersfield really and I left to South Carolina. My dad had just retired out there a few years before I had moved out there, and so I had a place to go. My dad and I I mean, we get along on a good day. I guess I know that he really didn't want me to come out there. Were you straight with him.
Speaker 2Did you tell him about?
Addiction, Family, and Gateway Drugs
Speaker 1your circumstances. Yeah, he did. I don't know that he, yeah, that he really I don't know if he wanted to really help me or not, but I just kind of was like I kind of I don't know. I kind of just showed up and rather he was. I knew he would help me if I showed up, but I know he wasn't happy with what the situation I was in. I don't think he had a lot of trust in me that I was actually gonna do what I was gonna say I was gonna do, because I have brothers and sisters that have went through addiction and also, and so they, you know, my parents understand, you know some of the symptoms of addiction the manipulation, the lying. I'll do it this time, you know, this time I'm for reals. This time, you know, I'm gonna do it this time, kind of.
Speaker 3Yeah and Bullshit. Yeah yeah. Did your parents struggle with any of that?
Speaker 1No, my mom never did. My mom's side of the family there's. There is no, really no addiction that I can think of. My dad's side I had some uncles that didn't. My dad didn't.
Speaker 3So you didn't grow up around it at all.
Speaker 1Other than my brothers and sisters.
Speaker 3How many brothers and sisters you have.
Speaker 1I've got. I've got three sisters and a brother and a step brother.
Speaker 2You would think. Seeing other people struggle and all the crap that they go through, you would think that would be. You know a lesson Like that's not what I'm gonna do but you end up right in the fold.
Speaker 3But you don't think that it's gonna happen to you. It's not, it's, it's that that'll never happen to me. You know type of attitude.
Speaker 2Well, you, know, my parents were both, you know, addicts, so it was that that that disease was just laying dormant.
Speaker 2It was just something, you know. You know the the at the right time, you know whatever it was. And then just to come along and and spark it up whenever that was. And I went in reverse, I missed around with some weed. Alcohol was, even though my dad was now alcoholic. I never really it didn't become my thing, you know. But I started with with, with meth. That that was my geez. I've said it on this program. I did it and I was like you know I could, I could now I could tell you that everything changed in that moment. I was like this is just everything I want, you know, in a, in a a little plastic bag, you know. And then I went to. When I stopped, I went to through a residential rehab and then I had four years clean and I had hurt my neck and I started, and then a doctor prescribed me Vicanin and then it was 10 years of addiction to. You know, all the opiates in the circle, you know, just getting more and more powerful, and then the fentanyl patches.
Speaker 2I used to bust my fentanyl pouch patches and I used to rub that shit on my gums and under my tongue. Someone told me I could do that and and then I went and I went to the. It was just got so bad, I got desperate, went to the methadone clinic and I was on methadone for a year.
Speaker 2I tapered, they tapered me, and then I went back to meth, you know so, as I circled back and I was like shit, you know so kind of a revolving door there of sorts. But you know it was in my family and then I worry about my kids, you know. So, you know.
Speaker 3Yeah, do you think, though and I'm just asking this do you think, had you not been exposed to it via your doctor because you got injured, that you would ever come across an issue like that?
Speaker 1I don't know.
Speaker 3It's hard to say but a lot of what ifs, but you know it's just those receptors, man, once the opiate hits.
Speaker 2That's what it was viking in the Because he told me oh, take a couple of them, you're a big guy. So I took two vikin' in and it reminded me of that buzz I got from doin' meth and it was like, oh, this is great, and it's prescribed by a doctor. Then I had three doctors and I've said that on this program, all unbeknownst to each other, all writein' me prescriptions all the time Before they tightened everything up. It was terrible, you know it's, but yeah, I mean, you tell me, you're telling us your doctor is just like it's candy. You just get six months and then he hits you with 180 Norco and 15 patches and says have a nice day. You're like hell. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1I mean it was the same. It was goin' there once a month and he would ask what's your pain level? And I always said nine. You know Cause? I'm not 10, cause I'm not? Cryin', but I was always a nine, and it was just like I mean, come on, I mean just like the way I said it, you know, Just nine. Like it's like.
Speaker 3every time it's the same it's almost like the when they brought out the medical weed cannabis, you, you you, you, you you you, you, you, you, you, you facetime them and you know they you. What do you, what do you hurtin' on this? And I was like, well, I'm gonna say this. Okay, you know, it was less than two minutes.
Speaker 2That was the bridge from opiates to meth. For me, medical marijuana.
Speaker 3So where marijuana is a gateway drug for you.
Addiction, Withdrawals, and Spiritual Transformation
Speaker 2For an addict. I believe it is. Yeah, you know, I just think it is. It can be A soaking alcohol. Yeah, you know, it's a bridge to something. You know, if you have an addicts, you know the mind, you know I mean you couldn't be addicted to anything.
Speaker 3I know people that are addicted to weed, and so yeah, that seems to be the hardest thing to get to get off of for a lot of people now. Oh, I see.
Speaker 2We've seen people in our meetings struggle with coming off of marijuana. And it's like back when I was smoke, when I back in my you know adolescence smoking weed and stuff you could just quit smoking.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2Because the potency wasn't there like it is now. It's so potent now that it's.
Speaker 1Oh yeah.
Speaker 2You get locked into a true addiction with that Sweating it out. I've seen people Vomiting, you know, from withdrawals and stuff. You know no appetite, losing sleep, you know. And you've seen it, it's just terrible. It's crazy. Who would have ever thought it's right up there with and all the addictive substances?
Speaker 1To kind of go back to your question. You know, if my doctor never prescribed me that would I've, you know, used meth, or you know, and I just I kind of had to think back like to that. Around that time when I started getting, when I started taking it, you know I was really against meth, like like that was like one thing, like I was like I'm never going to do, I would never, because I seen what it did to my, my brothers and my sister. So you know, I had an idea of how bad it was and what you know people go through whenever they're using it. So I mean, there's a good chance that maybe I would have never experimented with meth. You drew it online.
Speaker 1Yeah, well, I did. But I did use meth because I was going through withdrawals and I was trying to get off of opiates you know that was my, my trick that I was going to use to get off, but at the same time, you know I was I don't know, I still can't really say, but yeah.
Speaker 2You think of the timing of that too? You walked in on that dude doing it. You just right from you know, right place at the time, and then it's like, oh sure if it'll help me stop feeling like shit because I know opiates withdrawals are awful.
Speaker 1Yeah, and that's what I was. I mean, I was, you know, I was going through like I would stop. I was a couple of months period. You know, wherever I walked in and there was and it was offered to me was I was going like it was. I was a couple of months into like I would stop and I would make it for a few days and I would, you know, relapse it, I would stop, and then, you know. So it was just kind of like this really up and down, but yeah, it was like perfect timing that that happened.
Speaker 3I'm sorry no, I'm good.
Speaker 2I was gonna say so. Did you when you went and stayed with your father? Did you get any type of like, any clinical support or any type of medical help to with your addiction, or did you just?
Speaker 1I did not. So right before I had lost my job I'd went to two residential treatment centers and I had left both of them early, two weeks early. And I went to another IOP program and I left about a month and a half in and that was like right before I lost, right before I had lost my job. And then so then I went on that three year spurt of using meth and not having anything. And then when I went to my dad's in South Carolina it was during COVID. There wasn't very many resources available at that time. I remember trying to call like AA and NA. They had online stuff, but at that time I wasn't online.
Speaker 3I did AA through COVID too. Didn't work.
Speaker 2Oh, I did NA on Zoom.
Speaker 3Yeah, that's why I always ask you about how you do, because you're one of the most dedicated guys to your meetings that you attend and you do everything through Zoom.
Speaker 2Yeah, 95%, maybe even more. I go to the, we go to the occasional. We try to go at least twice a month to aspire and then hit the. But the alumni meetings are, you know, we do check-ins, so it's that's. It still has therapeutic value, but it just it works if you they always say it works, if you work it, if you do work, the program it'll work. You know, zoom meetings alone aren't going to do anything.
Speaker 3Yeah, just you know there's a comprehensive approach. Well, we discussed that the other day. You know, meetings alone doesn't help.
Speaker 2It's gotta be comprehensive. You gotta you know you gotta dig deep. You gotta do things like I'm not saying for everybody, you know you gotta get some kind of program in your life that's gonna cover everything, whatever that is.
Speaker 3Yeah at least for me. Yeah, what was that like for you, eddie, cause you? You didn't go to a program out there, did you?
Speaker 1So when I was in South Carolina and I was doing, you know, trying to find a program, it so happens, you know, and I and I don't, I don't, I mean it gets religious on you guys, right now but okay.
Speaker 1So before I'd got sober, I was not, you know, religious. I didn't go to church or anything. I'm in South Carolina at the time. There's the Bible Belt, the Bible Belt. Yeah, my dad was telling me that you know, you're in the Bible, you're in the Bible Belt. I'm like what do you know? What does that mean? You know, and like so, my, my girlfriend at the time. She went with me. She left with me to South Carolina, so we both went and she asked me she's like, she's like, do you believe in God? And I'm like I don't know Something kind of clicked. You know, I noticed like I was really hesitant on responding to her and that was probably worth thinking.
Speaker 1That's where my life started to change. I say like I didn't do a 12 step program, I did a one step program that was turning my life over to Jesus. That's great. And I started going to church. I got, and my parents have gone to church, so we started watching their church online from South Carolina and yeah, and that's ever since I've been sober. Since I, since, within like the first week of being in South Carolina, I have either attended church via Zoom until we actually found a church. And when we after South Carolina, my wife she's my wife now so my wife and I moved to Nebraska and we found a church there. We actually flew out here and I got baptized at my parents' church down here on Discovery Church in the White Lane. So, yeah, the pastor over there Pastor Jason he's. You know. His big thing was, like you know, wake up in the morning and spend five minutes through the word, five minutes in prayer and five minutes in worship, and I've been doing that pretty much every day. That's great.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2That's good. My mom is a one-stepper and she's been. She's been clean for over 30 years, oh wow. And so as her husband, my stepfather, he's the same thing one-stepper. He turned his life over in a little church up in the mountains and that was it Same. He's got over 30 years and so some people it works. You know what I'm saying, but for me that's where it started.
Speaker 2for me was a spiritual journey and it worked, but I completely, I lost sight of everything. I just you know, because I wasn't married at the time, I was young. And then I got married, and then profession, and then kids, and then everything else, and then God was non-existent in my life, and so I can't say that I ever put God first in my life ever again until this moment, until until.
Speaker 3Yeah, I think I'm a little like you in that, because I Wanted to.
Speaker 3Yeah, but I grew up in a Christian household and I went to a Christian high school and it's always been something that's always been there. But I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's just the connection that we have, but within those rooms or those meetings that we have, they, that's where I've never felt closer to God than today, even when I was in church itself and I don't know if it was. You know, it's really just probably me and my perspective on things and not wanting to give up control, and now that I have, you know, there is space now for God. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3But but yeah, you know what was that? Intrigues me what you said about you were hesitant to tell your girlfriend at the time, your wife now. But that, the God question, what was it about that? Was it because you just didn't know, because it doesn't sound like you had other than your parents kind of going? You really didn't have any idea was it?
Speaker 1I just didn't. I didn't really have any belief in God. I was very. I just I didn't believe in God. And I think that when she asked me and I hesitated, and I noticed like I hesitated and I was, I started questioning, like I realized I was actually I for some reason I felt like afraid to say that I didn't believe in God. When she asked me and and it just kind of I never had been afraid to have that conversation on why I didn't believe, because I would have all these great reasons why God didn't exist.
Speaker 3So you were very against. So you had an idea of God which was there was no God.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3But it yeah, okay.
Speaker 2Well, that makes sense, because now you're you know, but again the timing was perfect. The person you love just happens to be she's asking you a loving question. You know what I'm saying. She's like do you believe in God? And you're like it's a great question. And for you to sit there and you know you're like she planted some, there's some, there's some good seed there. She threw that in there. You know, it was a simple question, that's it. You know, and you know it's one of the. It's one of the steps. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Speaker 2You know it's not an instantaneous thing. You know it's gotta. It's gotta be the soil. You know the old, all the. You know the, the symbolism and stuff. Yeah, some seed was thrown on some some good soil there, because you were at this point. I think you were so desperate. You're just like. You know I need something. You know, and that was yeah, that was that.
Speaker 3desperation is a requirement.
Speaker 1Yeah, I also think that, coming through my like I thinking back, like there was also like that realization, like that I was putting, that I had put drugs, I was putting meth so far above everything else in my life that I was actually like worshiping, you know, meth like a God, like you know. So it was like that had so much control over me. There has to be something else that can counteract that.
Speaker 3Yeah, I, and I think that's where the room for me Cape and was, because I realized that that alcohol was my God Definitely was. I thought about it. I couldn't, you know I, I worshiped alcohol the way that God wanted me to worship him. You know the it was my first thought. It was okay, where am I gonna get some more at? Where? How am I gonna get the money to get it?
Speaker 3You know, that's the type of effort. That's why, when, when I, when people talk about excuses, you know, in groups and stuff like that, about, you know, not making meetings or not, you know not not putting their best foot, not putting that full effort into it, I mean, you did it for for your drug of choice, why would you not give yourself the chance to? You know that that was something, that that was an eye-opening moment for me was like man, I gotta do recovery. The way that I, the way that I drank, you know, and that was all the time, didn't matter if I was sick, didn't matter if my kids were sick, didn't matter if I had to, you know, take my kids somewhere. It, I mean it didn't matter. So that's the type of effort that I need to put forward. Maybe not for everybody, but that I have to put forward in in being, in recovery, you know, and having that connection, that, that conscious, intentional connection with God, you know, not just you know, because something that's always stuck with me, you know.
Speaker 3I heard somebody say this a while back and it was. It was never like it was that time that it was hard for you to explain that if you believed in God or not. For me it's never been hard, it's always been yeah, I believe in God. So, you know, it was all I was always. That was never an issue for me. You know, I could be drunk and tell you yeah, you know, I love God, you know. But somebody had said, I heard a pastor say one time he says you know, even the devil believes in God, you know, so there's nothing without the belief is not, is I don't want to say irrelevant, but it kind of is. It's your effort to choose him as a God and to worship him the way. You know, I worshiped alcohol, you know.
Speaker 1And to continuously build that relationship with him. Right, yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, that's it. It's an active, evolving, it's not stagnant, it's a you do, your, your, your praise and prayer, and you said it at the meeting. The last meeting I attended with y'all it was. You said what you do in your quiet time, in your private time, before, yeah, anybody gets to see your door, whatever that's. That's what it counts, you know, and that's when I do it. I'm up at five in the morning and. I'm sending these guys messages five by five, thirty I'm sure I I annoy the crap out of them.
Speaker 3Oh. Blocked me no, I get it there. I get it when I wake up but I am I.
Finding a Personal Connection With God
Speaker 2Put my praise music on. Yeah, as soon as I get to the kitchen, it's on. Even before that, though I am as Soon as I am conscious I've trained myself to start surrendering, yeah honestly yeah that is. That is when I start surrendering. Good morning, Good morning. I mean, I'm I'm taking a leak and I'm like good morning Lord.
Speaker 2Yeah you know, honestly, I'm not even joking. No, yeah, I feel you, and so, because I got to do that, I got it. That is number one, that's that's where it's got to be, and then I start doing my readings and so then I start, and then I start, I start sharing, you know, and that's I. This morning everybody was up nice and early and I quietly excuse myself. I was like, and they know, they're like, all right, see you when you know, see you want, because they know that that's that's what's working for me and they want to keep that there, you know so.
Speaker 3What? What does that look like for you, eddie? I know you say that you do that, but I know it's different for everybody. Like you said, you know he gets up and he's using the rational I'm same way, I'm a shower prayer. You know I'm a laying down on my pillow.
Speaker 1still, yeah, say when I first started doing this it's so funny like I would do. I would literally be like waking up out of bed, like I would instantly start to start to pray. You know like and it happened so many like, it happened for a while. Like I mean, just you know where I was just like halfway asleep, but like waking up and I was started praying, thanking God, for you know everything and you know I wouldn't.
Speaker 1You know you know, nothing I have is mine. It's all you know. Just like you know, given thanks and and grace and and I was like man, is this, is this like, is this? Can I do be doing it? Because I like I would fall. Sometimes I'd fall back to sleep.
Speaker 3You know, because that looks different for you know, you have kids, I have kids.
Speaker 3Yeah you have to work, I have to work. You know it's just everybody's got their lives and it's not like you Because I know that for me, when I thought about having a connection with God, you know, my, my dad was real Intentional about it. One thing that he was, you know, is every morning he would, he would get to breakfast because that's where he would do his, his reading at every morning, and he would do it intentionally, you know. You know, and I always Look down on myself or thought, you know, shameful in some way, because I didn't do it like the way like the way he does it, or like you, the way you see in a movie?
Speaker 3You know, everybody gets up.
Speaker 3Yeah, you know everybody holds hand and everybody prays. You know what does that look like for for an everyday person? You know that. That that you know, because I'm not, I'm not my dad, I can't do those, I can't. I Just don't have that that regimented Like the way he does. Yeah, but for me it's, you know, it's on the pillow, it's in the shower, it's, but I think I think where we were, I missed the connection. It's, it's what I do now and it's it's, like you said, as soon as you wake up. It's from then on. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3It's from then on. It's not Just a morning thing, yeah right, it's not just a yeah, it's, it's a constant.
Speaker 2You know, giving it up, giving it up, giving it up it takes, it takes practice, yeah, and you got to keep working at it. Yeah, it's like everything else, it's like a muscle. Yeah, you got to build it and you build that relationship and then, but from what I've learned is God will meet you there, you know. You know, as long as you're putting in the, the whole hearted effort, you know you're gonna, you're gonna know he's there. You know I had a question for you. I'm sorry. We, you know, you know I'm not trying to chase anybody, that's, you know, away from watching this podcast. You know, if they're, you know, no, no, absolutely no, no, god.
Speaker 1But you know, yeah, but.
Speaker 2I, but I, this is what I believe and I believe it works. When you were out there, did you run into any Messengers when you were on the street? You know, because I've I've seen a couple people. I was never myself In that predicament, but I have talked to some people that were. I talked.
Speaker 2I ran to a guy at a Taco Bell and I, just I, I offered him some cash. You know a couple. I had a couple bucks. I was like here, he's all. No, he's, I'm okay, and I go, you're okay. He's like, yeah, I choose to be out here, man, he's I. I love my life out on the street, you know, and he was, he was sober and you know, I looked at him a little more and he was, you know, he wasn't in rags or anything, he was. You know, he was dressed okay, you know, but he was. I Didn't. I don't know if he was a godly person or not, he just had that countenance. You know, you look about him like he was just that piece with with whatever he was doing. So, you know, I was just wondering if maybe you come across someone out there that was Not doing any of the stuff that was going on around you.
Speaker 1Not that I can. I can but remember, particularly Not the top of my head.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah, was there any other influence on on you seeking out to God that you that you I Mean other than obviously you're in the Bible Belt and your girlfriend's asking the question? Was there anybody early on that?
Recovery Journey and Helping Others
Speaker 1that I Know that my mom has my mom since I've been sober. She told me that she keeps a prayer list and that you know she's you know, and that she prays, that you know of course I'm on there and that she's been praying for me for years, that God would work a miracle and that I would come in to believe in them and that I Would start making better choices in my life. So when she told me that and this was after I'd gotten saved and and baptized, and you know, she showed me this prayer list it just that kind of like. It kind of gave me, like it, the chills kind of inside.
Speaker 1It was like dang like she and she's showed me some other other prayer lists that she's had and she said if she's she makes, she'll make these prayer lists every year and Almost all the all the prayers that she's prayed for, these prayer lists of you know happened to these people and it's I don't know. It's kind of yeah, so I had people praying for me.
Speaker 3I know that what's a Other than yourself? And in, in, in your, in, your, in your. I know we're talking about recovery.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3But is there anything else that you have seen happen because of God's work? Anything major I mean him getting you to where you're at now is a big is, is a big deal. But I'm just wondering if there's, if you're seeing that and in other areas I mean just the, the person that I am now.
Speaker 1I mean, you know, I, I'm a completely different person today than I Was in the past. I mean, there's been so many different things in my life that have changed and have Fallen in place, I guess since I've been sober. I feel like, like you know, there's a lot of miracles that have happened in my life and I, you know, and I Just me sitting here today is a miracle. You know, to.
Speaker 1You know, some of the stuff that I had went through I mean, there was some there's. You know there's a lot of stuff that happened that I went through when I was out on the street Hi, on meth, like that I'm. I still sit here and I don't even know, like that you know why I'm still alive. You know, like I'm talking about involving guns and you know, in just some Crazy situations that I was in, you know, yeah.
Speaker 2Definitely had it. When? When did you discover, or when? When did you realize that or when did you hear you're calling that that this was what you wanted to do to help people that were in it? You know similar circumstances.
Speaker 1Um, I think, when I was a year sober and I right about a year, I had this, this, really these strong cravings. You know, the pause kicked in and I was Right at one year sober, like within a couple days from my soap, my clean date, and I I was telling my wife, or told her, like I want to go use, like I want to go, like I was like on the edge, like I wanted to get, I wanted to go look for drugs, like I was like let's go, like we can find it I know I can find it and I was ready to just throw everything that I had accomplished up into that point out the window. And, and, um, luckily, you know, my wife was like you know, you need to calm down. Like you need a, you need a. You know that's not what we're, you know we're that's not a good idea, we're not gonna do that. So I had found a substance abuse counselor to go To go talk to when I we were living in Nebraska and I wouldn't sit down and talked with him and you know, he kind of helped me through some stuff and and he was a, he was a Christian guy and and we'd sat down and talked and he started talking about how he became a counselor or substance abuse counselor and that kind of just laid on that. That Started setting on my heart and like and I've always wanted to, even when I was out there using on the streets, you know I I had.
Speaker 1I Feel like I kind of came from a little bit of a different background than a lot of the people not that I'm any different or I don't think that, but just you know I've really some of those people hadn't had the chance. A Lot of people that I was out there on the street using meth with didn't ever have a chance at life and I felt like they deserved a chance at life and they didn't. They don't know what they're, they're missing out on. I guess I feel like there's something more that they can be you know better for their life. I feel like they deserve a chance at happiness.
Speaker 1I've seen so many broken people and and hurt people that were just filling in these voids with meth and you know I wanted, I wanted to try to help them. You know I feel like they, you know, maybe at least deserve a chance. You know, just through some of the conversations I had with certain people that I had ran into. So I always kind of had that, and then even on the street like we can't help anybody where you're high you know, so Give me to help yourself.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2It's funny, we talked about the one year when people start approaching the one year Clean yeah, for you it's two and I.
Speaker 3I didn't have much struggle during the one year. I didn't really Struggle did, I know no, but you said that you made the comment that it always happens on your and you're like your, year two For you.
Speaker 2Oh.
Speaker 3Yeah relapse.
Speaker 2Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3Yes, which just passed right.
Speaker 2Yeah, because I'd always Put, just put the brakes on my addiction you know, whatever the circumstances were, so two years was always the, you know the, and always this this part of the year. So I remember I talked about a little bit in that meeting. Yeah and so when I came to two years, you, even my family, they're like Two years, you know, you know what's gonna happen yeah yeah, you know, but they weren't. I think they were a little more relaxed this time around because they knew.
Speaker 3They see you work in a program.
Speaker 3Yeah and so, but the one year I've never even it makes sense now because you know one year is when, yeah, everything was really very chaotic in a person's life, probably, whatever that was, whatever the you know yeah, I, I almost feel I guess it's a little bit off the topic but I always feel a little guilty when I'm in a what, I'm in the room, sometimes with people that are just you know, the first couple of months or days or whatever, because I don't Really feel Like I have much too. My life is so good.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3I, you know that I don't have. You know, it's almost which is supposed to be that way. It's what I'm supposed to not have, those same issues that they're having anymore. You know I'm supposed to be getting figuring out how to live a better life, but you know I, you know I almost sometimes feel like I have nothing to say, because I, because I but you do, I listen to you talk.
Speaker 2Yeah, you know you're you're, you're living your program. I mean you're of service, you're going to the meetings, still you're doing all these things and I see you, you know, I see you come in with your, you know your wisdom, you know I listen, I'm like, yeah, that's great, you know you're you and just your presence. You know, because you've got so many, how many days do you have now? Anyway, 624 there you go, yeah, 600, yeah.
Speaker 3When the guy with day one, day one, wondering what the hell am I doing here, looks at the guy with 624 days yeah it's like, okay, well, maybe I'm in the right spot, you know yeah, and I look at him and I think, man, I'm in the right spot. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2Yeah, we, yeah because the guy sitting behind me at the last meeting had a day. This is my first meeting day, you know. And then, on the way I was talking, to Terry, yeah he's been on this program.
Speaker 2So I was like man. You remember day one. He's like, oh god, he thought he was gonna die. I thought I was. It was like you know. So, yeah, that, and that's that's the reminder. You know it's just the. You know it's the reminder. That's nothing, nothing's changed. You know, everything is still garbage right back in that life. You know that's that's a nice reminder. You know, even the guys that are 30, 60, 90 days, all the way up to, you know, right, 1300 days, or I can't, I can't, but this is great.
Speaker 3You know, these are my examples, you know at you know, being that you do have a lot of time, what is you said? The prayer and and the meditation and and getting in the company of God every morning is what's is what's helped you mm-hmm is there anything else that you use, or any like tools that you use when you?
Speaker 3you know, I know that it's it's probably not happening all the time that you're getting cravings now, but the one that thought does cross your mind, you know, or can you talk about if it does and how it does. And then what? What do you do to to? To turn that around yeah.
Speaker 1So you know, of course there's, you know, I think the the most like I, the only time I really get trip, my cravings get triggered, but that I can at least think of anytime recently has been like having like a drug dream and kind of waking up a little bit triggered some. I don't always, you know, I don't know, but it's not like anything intense, it's just, you know, just kind of like what was that about?
Desire for Sponsor and Self-Improvement
Speaker 1yeah kind of like move on. But I don't really get super triggered anymore. But I mean I, other than battling a lot of stress, you know, sometimes like at my mind, tends to obsess over things or or just, you know, run rapid. I guess I just try to think positive. I guess I use positive self talk a lot and I I think if I didn't try to, if I didn't have positive conversations with myself all the time, I would definitely start, I would maybe get triggered more, my mind would start going to places that you know it shouldn't be. I guess I don't know if that makes sense.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah, do you see that the disease manifests itself in other ways in your life? You know, like not purely just drug you like, you know the self-obsession, the, the, you know, self loathing, the self, any of those you know? Do you see that and identify? Those characteristics yeah those kids and say, oh damn, there's the addiction um is it yummy in the defects?
Speaker 1so this is one thing you know. So I mentioned I haven't done the 12 steps, but I've thought like man, it'd be nice to have a sponsor because I need somebody outside looking at me yeah calling out my character defects, because I, you know, we can't really judge those on our own.
Speaker 1I mean, we can if we read about them, learn about them. We can and and I think that I, I think that I've learned enough about the different, you know different types of character defects, that I've tried to correct those with myself. But I don't know, like you know, I still feel like it I would. It would be nice to have somebody else kind of you know to hang out with and kind of get to know a little bit better. That could you know, tell me, like, if you know I'm on the right track, at least I guess. But as far as you know my addiction manifesting other things, I mean, I go to school, I'm still going to college, I've I don't know that I've I've just really managed to like I have a really tight schedule I guess between school, you know, church work and seeing my kids spending time with family, studying, I don't know, I haven't really seen it manifest into like gambling or you know any other really area or anything.
Speaker 2Yeah, not that I can think of stepwork would be good because I need direction. Yeah, and I didn't know. I, you know, I consider myself an educated man and stuff, and but until I and that was our, our topic of discussion in our meeting today was calling a defect a defect, and so it mentioned a sponsor. And so a sponsor, you know it's, he's unbiased, you know he's there and he's gonna say, yeah, he's gonna be honest with you because he's got, you know, why wouldn't he be? And but yeah, I mean, even in the steps it's, we ask God to remove all these defects of character, whatever those are, you know. And then you know they have a lot of.
Speaker 2You know, I'm not, I'm not pointing to any fellowship directly, but you know specifically, though there are those when you look into some of the fellowships or some of the program or the 12-step programs. They call them fellowships. But yeah, they dissect that and I mean I mean it might be, it might be worth looking into yeah. I mean there's. You know there's a million sponsors out there and you can find anybody that would. You know you're not, you're not. You know, you're not a newbie yeah, got some.
Speaker 2You got some clean time under your belt and I think that any sponsor would you'd be, you'd be, you know you'd bless them yeah you know, just because they'd be like, oh heck, yeah, this is. You know I can work with this. Yeah, you know you're not all fresh and yeah, yeah, really you know. Well, you know I'm a drug counselor. Hey, counselors needs or therapists.
Speaker 1Needs that the C therapists too.
Speaker 2So yeah, I mean I know, but I think you know, yeah, I would. I would say that would probably be a good move because, like he was saying, you know about tools and stuff. You know. That would be. That would be great and I think you'd be.
Speaker 3I think it would probably take you to another level in recovery benefit me yeah, yeah, yeah, cuz I think like I don't know if I know how to say this correctly, but you know, god is the. I've learned that if I'm not worshiping God, I'm worshiping something else, and so we talked about that a little bit and God being a center part of my life. But having having people around me that can say and help me recognize things is a I think, is a big, is a big help, and I've I've I've only experienced good things down this road yeah it's not like with drugs, where it's, you know, maybe your first hit and it's good and then that's it, you know.
Speaker 3Next thing, you know, you're just chasing and chasing and you know you lose everything yeah, you're not losing everything, yeah, losing everything this way, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean you, if anything. I think that like, at least for me, you know it's, it's definitely worth. You know that's what I was gonna ask you to do. So do you have a mentor, even in the church, or anything that?
Speaker 1so I go to talk to. I do go to Bible studies every Monday night. I don't. I don't have a mentor, but you know, I mean I do, I'd go to Bible studies, and that's you know yeah, but, and I pass through your clothes or anything no, no, and I I other than so like my mentorship or my mentoring that I get right now is out of self-help books, yeah, and I kind of would like to have you know someone that's actually there, that sure I can talk to you.
Speaker 3That can you know yeah it, yeah, I think it. I don't, I don't think it'll hurt anything. I think it's. I think it's a good thing. What? What was life when you were a kid? How did you, how were you brought up, how were you?
Speaker 1raised. I was raised, I mean, had a fairly good childhood. I was born in Fresno. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom moved here to Bakersfield and you know I moved here with her and and so but I had, you know, I had a fairly good childhood. My mom was, you know, loving, caring, I had. My stepdad has been in my life since I was about two or three, I think it was three when he came into the picture. You know, I have a pretty good idea of how like a family should kind of be, I guess. Or as far as not being toxic, my mom and my stepdad never had alcohol in the house. They never drank. They were never. I've never seen my mom drunk. My dad he did drink and he he did party. You know, and that's another thing you know I say like, and my parents never use drugs. I'm gonna say my dad was probably an alcoholic and I just wasn't there enough or round him enough to really know that, but I'm pretty sure that he was. He wasn't, I mean he was.
Speaker 3He wasn't really in my life a lot, but he was there and supportive whenever he could be, I guess did that affect you in any way now looking back now in retrospect, or having your stepdad there kind of take that.
Speaker 1I think having my stepdad there definitely kind of filled that, that fatherly role that my dad wasn't really present for. But I think that there's, you know I, you know, I don't know, yeah, I don't know, I don't as far as I'm sure it affected me in some way. Yeah, I'm sure that there was, there was definitely, you know I, I don't know, just I'm sure there was, there was stuff that that did affect me by my parents, you know, not being together, but what is you get to do this all the time?
Speaker 3but I'll ask it anyways what is something you would tell somebody who is on the cusp, thinks they have a problem, knows they have a problem and wants to quit?
Speaker 1if they were on the cuffs on the fence, I mean, I would probably sit down and ask him to you know, alright, let's weigh the pros and cons, you know, and try to figure out, like what you know, you know what direction they're wanting to go in with their life. Some people aren't ready.
Speaker 1You know, no matter how ready you want them to be and you know it's, it's, it's you can, only you can't really push them. You've gotta, you know, you gotta show them the evidence and they can see it. And they can either be like well, using drugs is still more beneficial to me right now, or using alcohol just seems a lot more fun than it's stuff isn't that bad, you know, it's not that bad yet. So it's kind of like it's kind of trying to show them like where they're at in their life and like, hey, you know it's, you know, probably time for you to get sober, or it is, you know. And at the end of the day it's kind of up to them yeah, I agree with you, know it's.
Speaker 3You know, because some people you know, like that guy that lives on the street that you're talking about, you know there's people like that.
Speaker 3They're okay with not having anything they're okay and that's not, that's not a bad thing. But you know, I know just for myself, the the life that I have today, and let me say that I nothing's not much has changed in my home aspect. So I didn't, I didn't lose everything. I didn't lose my wife, I didn't lose my kids. I was pretty damn close but I didn't and the way I say that, because the only thing that has changed is me, you know, that is my perspective, is my, and I had to want that to in order for that to happen yeah you know the I had to dig deep and find out why I was running to that alcohol and drugs and that particular lifestyle that it that that I, you know.
Speaker 3I had to get fed up with it. Your rock bottom is different than his rock bottom, for sure my rock bottom sure.
Speaker 2I heard someone say in the meeting today. He said I came to the point in my life when I decided to put down the shovel and ask someone for a ladder to get himself out of the hole. You know, so that's just. It's different for everybody. Yeah, it's, it's. It will take a beating. We will get our butts kicked for a very long time if we're, if we're allowed to, or if we, if we come back from it.
Speaker 3Yeah, you know, if we're that lucky, yeah, we're that lucky yeah, but we will.
Speaker 2We will take a beating man. We were resilient. Addicts are resilient.
Speaker 3Oh yeah unfortunately we, I had, I had. I had to tell you this, because when you first came in the first day or so that I saw you there, he was your first day too.
Speaker 1It was.
Speaker 3I Thought you were a pastor. I was like, oh shoot, they brought a pastor in for church. I was like pastor Eddie. So now, that's a kind of so Whenever I talked to my wife and I tell her what she says with who did it today? And I was all pastor Eddie.
Speaker 3But Teddy was in here Last week or week before. He was our last podcast and you know, you just never know Like you, I would, I, I don't picture you in that type of situation of, you know, being on the street for three years and like Teddy, you know, he, he, you know he talked about being locked up, you know, and he was locked up for three years, you know, and he's just like it's nothing, you know. And then he's overdosed what? Four or five times, you know, and I just never, you know. So it's amazing that People that have gone through so much Like you because I remember my uncles and my aunts, when they they were, they used heroin and they were just a heroin addict, they were never coming out of it. They had already, they've accepted it, they've, you know, said, okay, that's the way my life's gonna be.
Speaker 3So to see guys like you, guys like Teddy, to come out of it, with your three overdoses, with the living on the street, with, you know, losing everything, to see that it's not so much that you came out of it, but to see that you saw hope.
Speaker 3You know that you saw a Glimmer of hope, or or, and maybe that was just that you just didn't want to live that way anymore or whatever, but you had seen that along the way and it's good to. It's good to see guys like you, guys like Teddy to Chris, of course, and other guys you know, girls to you know, come out of it, because you know I've had a lot of people on and now and it's, you know, people have gone through some stuff. You know, like you said, resilient because they put themselves through a lot of to where you know what is your hope? I mean you've lost everything. You know, you, you, you, you know for me I guess it's so hard for me to see, because I didn't lose everything you know that that I think it. I think that's why it's so amazing to me to see guys like you. Guys like like Teddy is because you know for you to be the position that you were in and just still Say you know what, I'm digging myself out of this hole.
Speaker 3I'm gonna stop, you know. Don't dirt on myself.
Speaker 2I've got a girl in my meeting. I love her with all my heart. She's one of my, my best friends, and she lived in a tent. You know she was. She was doing heroin in the tent and she's young, she's your age and she's beautiful. Now she's the drug counselor. Oh yeah.
Speaker 2So she's got a yeah, she's got her story and I've heard of, I've heard, I hear them People come back. Man, that's another part of the resilience man is, if you know, if you, if you are determined to get it together like that and you and you, you know, find the help you need. You know she's, you know I love her man, you know I'll see you're at the convention coming up in February, but she doesn't live in town. But yeah, it's just amazing. You know the. It's one of those human conditions to survive. You know, if you realize you're not going to survive in your current state of being, you know you find another way that works. If that's what your determination is, you know you're gonna gonna find a way to live.
Speaker 2You know, and I can tell you right now that we always say this you know someone that's, you know, shooting dope, whatever that you know, whatever their poison is or Probably knows, they have a problem. You know, probably they're not gonna sit there and go. This is, you know, they may have accepted it, you know, as their problem and, like you're saying, your family members are like this is it? I'm a heroin addict. You know, this is how I'm gonna die. But other people, something talks to the, you know Right, is able to to break through the addiction for a minute and say this is there's a better way. This is not normal for you, you know yeah because we're not I.
Speaker 2Can't see him. I can't see you being on the street, living out of your car, doing the things you you told me you did. I can't see it, you're, you're. You're Eddie the the counselor. You're the counselor at the place we go you know I would never have known that. You know, I can't see this guy, you know, putting, putting a bottle before his family. I know what he, how he loves his family, you know. And then the stuff I've done and the people, yeah yeah, and that's the thing you know.
Speaker 1The disease doesn't, doesn't discriminate. No you know, it doesn't care who you are, how much you make. You know no. Where you live. As a matter of fact, the house that I bought when I was 21 right was right down here, off Panama and Bonavista. Oh really yeah. Two-story really nice house Lost it yeah. So yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3It takes what it takes, not so much.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, yeah, you mentioned, you know you know some someone could be slamming dope. You know they know they have a problem and and that's kind of you know that's. You know you got to kind of understand the differences between, you know, admitting that you're a problem and accepting it. You know I'm meeting it, you're, you're admitting it. You know, intellectually, you know, yeah, I've got a problem. So what you know, I know I have a problem, you can tell me I have a problem.
Speaker 1I know I have a problem kind of thing you know, tell anybody I have a problem but I'm still gonna use. But you know, until you accept that you have a problem, you know that that comes from inside. And whenever you accept it, you you realize that you have a problem and that you need to do something about it.
Speaker 2So yeah, because it seems like at that point they've just accepted this is how life is gonna be for me, mm-hmm. That's why that's one of the things, one of the issues I I take issue. One of the things I take issue with is that I Wasn't working a program for so many years and now that I'm working a program, it's it's like this is just great. I have everything I need to survive and Keep this addiction arrested, and I can't understand why People relapse from this point. You know I was a chronic relapser but I didn't have a program, but that was before I knew I had a chronic disease too.
Speaker 2So now that I know all these, all that, I know I have a heart. I understand it happens, I know why it happens, but and I have people that I love dearly, some of my closest people in my meetings that relapse. They come back, oh, day one man, and it's like oh, you know, we had a guy with, with 12 years, relapse, but he'll tell you what the holes were and is. I think I was sharing that at that other meeting, the last men's meeting, but it was. He knew exactly what his problem was. His priorities were not in his program.
Speaker 2His priorities were yeah you got other things you know sex and women and other things were that. You know that was his dick, his addiction in another form but and it caused him to relapse. He relapsed up here before he, you know, relapsed. Yeah, it always happens mentally, and so you know it's just. You know, I don't know, yeah, I sometimes it's just me now and I'm not being arrogant, yeah, it's not my ego, I'm not saying oh, I'm not, you know.
Speaker 3You're so far removed from it.
Speaker 2You have the knowledge now because I quoted you directly in a meeting. I said I Don't know what a Some tragedy in my life whether it happened to my wife or my kids or something terrible, you know, financially ruined some, some catastrophic event in my life Is gonna drive me to do, you know, drive me backwards, to using. I'd like to think I'm prepared.
Speaker 2Yeah you know, I'd like to think that all this work I've been putting into my program is gonna would prepare me for something Such an advantage, you know but you don't know, until it happens.
Speaker 3You know, then, hopefully, just hopefully, you have that well, the most recently was my, my grandmother's death.
Speaker 2Yeah, you know that, but the program proved itself. Yeah, you know. So you know. I just Well. I don't know.
Speaker 3Do you have anything else you want to add?
Speaker 2No, I'm so happy we had this conversation today.
Speaker 1man, you blessed me really, I really appreciate you guys inviting me out.
Speaker 3Yeah, thank you for coming and.
Speaker 2What about the? The question what would you tell your younger self?
Speaker 3Oh yeah, what would you tell your younger self? And you don't have to go back to when you were a kid, but maybe when life was good. You're working at that 11 year job and and before drugs started happening and the accident, and you had your wife, did you have kids at the time? Mm-hmm kids and your own little family. Things were on the up.
Speaker 1I would tell myself to to Go to church and start working on building a relationship with God.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah, that's a that's a tough question. I don't. I Still don't know what I could tell myself to get myself to listen, listen. Yeah, to listen Well, yeah you know, but you know I. I would hope that If a relapse does happen, that any knowledge that I gain now Will Curb it right away. Yeah you know. But then, like you, you know yeah, it was fentanyl, but still you know, you, you, you relapse and then you overdose twice in a matter of hours.
Speaker 3You know back to back, you know. So you are lucky to be here, yeah, so All right guys. Well, there's nothing else then. Appreciate it. And thanks for I really like having you in the groups. Been God send To everybody there. You know, I think I hear nothing but good things from Everybody who attends, and that's with alumni and and new people. So I think I think you're doing a good job and we appreciate you. Man, Thanks for taking the time out. I Know it's a job, but you know you are you. You can tell it's not just a job for you, you know you. You seem to Really try to get down to some root causes, even if it Takes us forever to go to break or whatever. Appreciate it, we do really awesome.
Speaker 1Thank you.
Speaker 3All right, thank you, all right I.