Queerly Beloved
Queerly Beloved
43. Inviting Guests to a Gay Wedding Can Be HARD!
Think creating a guest list is hard!? Well it IS but then you sprinle some gayness in and it can be an even bigger jumbled mess. This episode is all about the realities of that but also all about giving practical tips that you as a queer couple can use in your planning, or that for those outside of the community, you can take some notes to share with future couples :)
Things mentioned in the episode:
Blog on how inviting guests is hard lol
TikTok talking about Jackie Hill Perry and on being stand in family
Stand In Pride International (Stand in family) Facebook group for those who are looking for extra support on their wedding day
One of my own blogs discussing inviting guests to your wedding
THE MIC DROP QUOTE:
"With Love and Pride: This is an LGBTQIA+ inclusive event. We request that those who will not wholeheartedly support our marriage, please RSVP "no" to our wedding"
thanks friends!
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
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Weirdly beloved. Welcome back to this week's episode at my name is Ana. I use. She her pronouns and I am the owner and a photographer at wildly connected photo. I have been doing podcasts for about a year and a half now. And we talk about all things related to queer weddings, just in case there's anyone new hopping in here today. So, Also for context. And for those, if you don't know. I am gay. Just, just so you know but no, I'm, I'm very this episode is going to be super, super important, but before we dive into it I just wanted to say, wow, I shot my first elopement of the year. Almost a month ago now at this point. And it was so magical. I also shot my first ever Monday wedding this week and also so magical and beautiful. And wow. Just sharing that the season has started. It's going to be in full swing here. Also pride month is coming up around the corner. So I hope all of my fellow gays here are getting pumped. If you are local, I will be having a booth at the twin cities pride again this year. And I cannot wait to see all of your lovely faces. And take some photos of those lovely faces as well. So, Yeah, I just wanted to be better about connecting with y'all and sharing a little bit about what's going on around here before the episodes. So. That's my life and because I'm bad at transitions in real life, we're just going to be. Bad at transitions here for a second. But now this week's episode is incredibly important. It's one that I've been thinking about since the start of this podcast, but. Something that I feel is really, really important. And so just wanting to make sure that. I felt. Fully prepared to talk about this topic. But it recently. Came up again in my life. In a very interesting way, we'll say. And so. I've been thinking about it for the past. Month or month and a half. And now here we are with episode, which we're talking about inviting guests to your wedding. Ooh. This is, this is a, this is a big, big topic. And I think that some of you might've even had reactions to just the topic. When I said it, but. Truly, if you were to like, do some research, which I'm actually going to link some articles in the show notes below, if you are interested. Like both from articles as well as just looking online at what people are saying. One of the number one, most stressful things for couple when planning their wedding. Is there guest list. Okay. So first of all, like even just the task of like making a list or a spreadsheet. With names. And then on top of that, having to hunt down people's phone numbers, emails, and actual physical addresses. Like that itself. So much work. So time consuming. Even in a very digital age, like that's a lot of work. But on top of that, couples have to have these discussions about who to invite. Who's not invited. And then that opens a whole can of worms of like, well, if this person's invited, then we have to invite this person, but we don't want to invite this person. Or if we can't invite this person or don't want to, how do we talk to that person about that? Right. Like there's so many things. That come with this conversation and you also have to be mindful of budget and like your venue capacity and do people get plus ones, right? It's just, it's a whole thing. Okay. So I'm saying that to paint a picture of right, like. This is already a very immensely straight thing. So what, oh my gosh. This is ours. A very immensely, immensely stressful thing. But even in looking at these articles and kind of reading, like what folks are saying online and on Reddit and whatnot, like typically. It's straight couples that we're thinking of when talking about that, right. Because that's sort of still just the wedding industry and. It's a lot of couples. So I say that because you take that. You take this thing that is already immensely stressful. Opens up so much. Can even sometimes lead to like arguments or like. You know, just all of the things. And then you, you. You just, you just sprinkle in. Being gay on top of that. On top of that. Can you imagine? Because on its own. Queer couples often face so many. Like sad, hateful things from. Their relationships in various capacities, like in their day-to-day life, I'm saying, but then on top of that, a wedding, which actually requires people to be in attendance, a K like requires people to show their true colors and say how they really feel like. That's so much. And. Queer couples when it comes to their weddings, they're often facing. You know, negative comments and people saying things or not wanting to show up from, you know, anywhere from their immediate family or a lot of times it really does. End up being the extended family and friends and coworkers. And so. You add that on top of this task that is already immensely daunting. And immensely stressful and has a lot of emotions. And then you add. That whole dynamic on top. Like it's a lot. It's a lot. And so we're here to talk about that today. So. The reason that this came up again. In my life recently is because as many of you know, my past is quite tied to the Christian faith. No longer, however, there are still some of those old ties there. And so. A few. Yeah. Maybe like. Six to eight weeks ago. I. Was on my personal Instagram. You know, just unwinding for the day. And saw that someone from my past whom shall rename. Remain anonymous. Had shared something to their story. About. Jackie hill Perry. I can't even say her name without laughing. If you know, you know, and if you don't know, Jackie ho Perry is the author of gay girl. Good God. So just let that sink in. I have been sent that book many times. In my life. And it is pretty much. Probably exactly what you are imagining. She talks about her experience being a former. Yes. You heard me right. Former lesbian. Who then found God repented. From her quote same-sex attraction since. And. Is now not a lesbian and is married to a man and has children. So that's the premise of the book. Aye. Could have a whole separate podcast about that, honestly. The damage that she does. Is just, it's frightening. Honestly, she has a very large following and is just teaching. Such harmful rhetoric. Right. And even again, you know, that my goal here is to not. Comment or come at people's religious beliefs. However, I will say that. This is incredibly harmful because I do know that there are a lot of faiths and religions that are accepting and that there are specific. Denominations and certain groups within Christianity that are affirming. I am aware of that and that's, and that's great. But the reason that her rhetoric is so harmful. As, because it just furthers that divide of. She is actively telling people. And specifically, mostly Christians who may be kind of on the fence. That she's saying no, no, no, no. Like, don't worry. You know, the gays, the gays can be converted and, and I'm here to tell you that was my exact experience. And so if it can happen for me, then it should happen for everyone else. So I will stop talking about that now, before I get too heated. But. That's just a little bit of context into who she is and the kinds of things that she talks about. And so she actually now has a podcast. I don't know if every single episode is with her husband or not, but I think a lot of them are. Yeah, actually, I think that most of them are. So anyways, She recently released a podcast episode. And the title is something to the effect of. Would I attend a gay wedding. I'm not going to link it or anything because I'm not trying to give her any backlinks or type of support. And also I think. Honestly that no one should listen to it because I did. And it was immensely painful. Which was on me. That was me. So this person from my past shared the, the episode and basically said that it was incredibly convicting and, you know, some good reminders that they needed to be reminded of. So naturally I see this and I'm like, all right, I need to know. I need to know what's happening in the world. What's going out there. Cause like I said, Jackie hill Perry has a large following. Like she is huge on Tik TOK and Instagram. And so I just really wanted to know. Not a good idea would not recommend the episode is like an hour and a half long. And it was really, really painful. Like. Truly, honestly, it was very painful to listen to. And again, that was on me. But highly do not recommend listening. To sum it up. She and her husband kind of go back and forth for awhile and. At first, the husband says that he can't because he doesn't want to accidentally show any kind of support. Right. Like, he talks about how. And his mind, you know, if he was invited. He would maybe consider going if he could have a conversation with the couple to basically be like, yeah, I might come, but like just seeing, you know, like, I'm going to be very vocal there about how you do not support us, which I'm like, Ooh, okay. Gross. Who would, who would invite you then? So he kind of starts out there and then Jackie hill Perry is basically saying. No, I wouldn't go. And she. Because I'm trying very hard not to laugh because this is just ridiculous. She actually. Compares. Attending a gay wedding to slavery. And, and also for those of you who don't know, Jackie hill Perry, Jackie hill is a woman of color. And she is herself comparing, going to a gay wedding to slavery. I about lost my mind when she said that. And again, just for context, for those who don't understand, she's basically saying it's because the couple is a slave to their sand. That's like a common biblical phrase. And so she is saying, I don't want to support slavery and therefore I will not go. And then. Just before you think it can't get any worse. Towards the end of the episode, her husband. Basically stops everything. He's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like I'm getting, I'm getting a word from the Lord. Like. The Lord is actively speaking to me. And he basically says actually, like, I'm changing my answer. I would go to a gay wedding because I think it's my mission to go there. And spread the gospel. And like be good influence and change people's minds is basically what you saying. Yep. This is like, this is, this is truth. Like this is, this is 100% real and like, It is reflective of a lot of churches. Around the world. And so I share that because. Yeah, it is reality. And I think we all just need to let that sink in a little bit. Where. Again, I will always say, like we have come so far in so many ways and I think we have a lot to be grateful for. And also like, this is still the reality of the world that we live in. I really just wanted to bring that up. To just say that. Fewer outside of the community. Like, I really want you to extra, let this sink in just to understand like where we as a community are coming from. When we're thinking about this aspect of our wedding. And for the couples from the LGBTQ community listening, like. If any of this has resonated with you. Or if this has been your experience and I'm truly so sorry. It really, really sucks that this has to be. Such a big part of our experience still. I just think it's so important to be real and to let people know what this is like. And as I said earlier, like, The active, inviting people to your wedding is already immensely stressful, but then add all of this. These hard realities of what we as queer folks have to deal with on top of. And it. Yeah, it's just a lot. So. Moving on from that. That very hard. Topic. I actually shortly after like, I'm listening to that podcast. I did see some other sort of creators on Tik TOK and things like stitching it and responding to it. And one tick tock creator. Their name is Chris. I will link the, their handle in the show notes. Kind of response to Jackie hill Perry and like basically says how like, yeah, just all of it's harmful and that. Yeah, I'll only get in the show notes. But one thing that I did really appreciate was that this creator said. Like at the end of the video. We're like just email me and like I'll show up at your wedding. Like. Me and my crew, we will show up at your wedding and we will be there for you. If you don't have family. And so many people in the comments were bringing up this idea of. Stand and family. And there's groups like that on Facebook, on tech talk. And I'm also going to link one that I found on Facebook that is called, like it is called Stan and family international or something like that. We're basically like people. We'll just like, come up to your wedding and be there for you and be friendly faces. If you need some extra support, like if you were like, My family is not cool with this and they're not going to be there. And I really don't want to be a lot on my wedding. Like those groups do exist and I just think that is the coolest. Sweetest thing. And also again, for those who are listening or maybe. Not from the community or just have a different lived experience. Like this is also a reality too. And I think that a lot of this too, can be really dependent. On where the couple is, right? Like, I, I hear this a lot about. Atlanta and Georgia and, and areas in the south. Of course not. Not everyone everywhere. I'm not making a blanket statement, but I am saying that sometimes. Certain geographical areas or like if you're in the Bible belt, like. It's just sort of a natural thing that happens with being in those. Those areas where people just might have a lot harder time. But obviously you can, you can have that experience anywhere. So if anyone here. Need some support. Definitely look in those groups. Also feel free to message me. I'll I'll make it work. If, if I can. So yeah, I think I really just felt like we needed to set the stage here. For this conversation like. Just acknowledging the realities, right? Like. Of course, this can also be like a super joyful and affirming experience, like thinking about. All of the lovely, amazing humans in your life that you're really excited to spend the day with and to celebrate. Like, of course there is that aspect to. And I want that for everyone, but also we just need to acknowledge that that is not everyone's experience. And so for those of you who are listening, who. Maybe are struggling a little bit with this. We're going to go ahead and talk about just some tips for inviting or not inviting guests to your wedding. And for those of you who are allies or outside of the community, I still encourage you to listen in to take notes so that. You can pass these along to couples. Especially if you are a coordinator or are a vendor that helps people early on, like, this is super helpful for just being able to offer some suggestions to couples. So. I think that the very, very first thing that couples need to do is discuss. With your partner, what your boundaries are as far as your wedding day wedding days are so, so special. And they're so important. And of course, I think we'd like to live by the idea of like it's about the, the marriage and not just the one day wedding. But still like weddings are so sacred and they're so special and so important. And it's up to you as a couple to decide what your, what kind of energy you're going to allow into that. And watch you're not I've had discussions with. Many couples over the year, over the years who have really different approaches to that. And I think that is really beautiful. Some couples. R like, you know what. This is our day and we really don't want to have any bad vibes or anyone with any judgment or secret agendas, anything like that in our day, like, We just wanted to feel super safe and super good. Great amazing. And there are some couples who truly are like, you know what. I know that my aunt or. Grandma or grandpa or. Uncle on my dad's side or whomever. It doesn't actually really support this. But. You know, They may say something like, but. He's still my uncle and I still want him there and that's valid or they may say. You know, my friend, your coworker. Isn't super supportive, but I. Kind of want to be that person for them to like show them that we are a super like normal couple and that our wedding is going to be normal and like full of love. And we're okay with being those, those people for these people. And that's, that's super valid too. Like I think you really just need to have a conversation with your partner about. Where to draw your boundaries. And I think that in that conversation, it's really, really important for each of you to figure out what taking care of looks like for you. On that day, like, Do you need to have some planned breaks throughout your day to just like step away. And just be with your person. Do you need to have a plan with. A trusted friend or family member, or maybe with your coordinator of like what to do with things start to go south or people make weird comments about something like. Just make sure that's part of your car, your conversation as well. So after that, you can kind of talk about like, Practically how, how inviting guests will go for your wedding. My all time favorite. Is from some dear friends of mine, which if you happen to be listening, You'll know who you are and I appreciate you so, so much. They did this for their wedding and it was honestly. Like I've been photographing queer couples for quite a while and had not seen this yet until I saw their invite. Which says with love and pride. This is an LGBTQ plus inclusive event. We request. That those who will not wholeheartedly support our marriage. Please RSVP no to our wedding. Mike drop. Like, I truly feel that I could end the episode right there, or that, that phrase could just be that, that could be the episode right there. It just is so it's so perfectly worded and that they, they are putting the boundaries out saying like, This is what we want. Like, we, we are putting out there that we want people who holds. Whole heartedly support us. Like even that wording of whole heartedly. There is no room for secret agendas. Like what happened in that? Earlier podcast episode mentioned there's no room for that. Like, they are very clearly saying you can either be 100%. With us for this, or you cannot come and that's fine, but like these are the ground rules and those are expectations. And they're also just giving people an outright, like, they're just saying. If that's not, you just say no, and that's, it is what it is I just, I love that. So, so much. And I truly think that more couples should feel that they can do. Do that or do something similar to that because wow. It just blew my mind, seeing something like that. So that's your first option is to do something like that on your invites on your wedding websites. And you were that people are gonna receive communication from you. Another thing you can do is you can have some rules such as like. Maybe you're only doing immediate family. Cause once you get out to the extended family, like. I don't know if I'm making this up, but this is a conversation that I have with a lot of my couples of like, yeah, our family is great, but like, Uncle Bob. He's a little out there can be a little bit questionable, you know? Just because I think maybe. They live farther away or they're farther removed or have less face-to-face time with these people. And that can just lead to some. Interesting conversations that you may not want to have on your wedding day. Or you could also say like we're doing immediate family. And we're not allowing plus ones just because. Maybe those also feel a little bit uncertain. So just having some of those rules, like whatever that might be for you could just be a way to eliminate some uncertainty. And just make you feel better about like, we really know the people coming and that makes us feel good. And kind of on that same note, you could also opt to just do something really, really small. I think I've spoken about this in previous episodes, but I think that's why. Elopements often lend themselves so well to. Queer couples just because I think there are a lot of queer couples who feel this pressure of like, Feeling the weight of who to invite and feeling the scariness of trying to figure out who to invite. And so, eloping or doing a micro wedding or something like that. Is also a really, really good option and totally valid. And. It doesn't make the people who support you. It doesn't have to invalidate their value in your life. Right. Like I know it can feel a little bit hard. And it's also okay. For those people to have feelings about not being invited. And still to let them know it doesn't change. Your importance to us. But we're keeping it small or doing just us because. We're just not in a place to deal with all of the things that come with inviting people and that's okay. And the last kind of option or tip that I will offer is. You can also opt to do something that sort of like a hybrid wedding. So whether that's. You alone. With just your person. And have that really, really sacred and special time link doing your vows. Having that time. That's just the two of you. And then maybe you come back and you do a reception at a later time. With family and friends so that even if something goes a little wonky, At the reception with a bigger group of people. You kind of have that, that memory and that feeling of your heart, of like, well, you know, this is a little. Wonky and stressful, but like, I'm so glad that we had that experience with just the two of us. A few months ago or whatever the case might be. That's something that I hear a lot of couples talk about. And they really, really enjoy that because then they always have that like super, super special moment of just the two of them or maybe the two of them and like two of their friends or whatever. And also kind of an alternative option of this is. Like involving people in other aspects of your wedding, but maybe not your ceremony. So maybe it's like pre-wedding events like. Showers or engagement parties or, you know, dresser outfit shopping, like. Having people feel involved, but maybe just not having them there, like on your actual day Or maybe if you don't want to do like a ceremony and reception. On two different days. Like maybe you do private vows and like a private ceremony, but then, you know, you get to have a party with people later. Whatever that might be sort of piecing together. Things, however, feel best for you. I think that's a really, really great way to. Make sure that, that your safety is so the top priority. Right? Cause I think that's how we can kind of wrap up this conversation is really that this comes down to. What's gonna make you feel safe and comfortable. And what is going to just be the most joyful for you? And I think that a really is such an individualized individualized thing for couples. And that's why you really need to work together as a team to figure this out. But. I think generally. Some of the things I just mentioned are things that you can kind of tailor to work within. What's going to feel best for you. I will say I will go ahead and type out that little quote that I wrote out from the invite in case anybody wants to use that. Or a version of that. For their invites. That is all that I have for you all. I hope. That for those outside of the community. It just kind of give you some perspective onto the things that we're thinking about. And for those in the community, I hope that this. Makes you feel seen and validated, but also gives you some more tools to go forward as you're planning. And I as always would love to chat with you. There is on Spotify. If you're listening on Spotify, a little common box. Please feel free to leave some comments or maybe some things that you did when you were planning your wedding, as far as invites. Or please feel free to come visit me and say hello at wildly connected photo on Instagram. You are all amazing, beautiful humans. And I can't wait to see you on the next episode.