Miracles with Lindsay Tedder

In this episode, Lindsay Tedder shares her incredible story of battling infertility and experiencing multiple miracles in the form of unexpected babies. She discusses the challenges of infertility, the process of adoption, and the spiritual warfare that comes with it. Lindsay emphasizes the importance of surrendering control and walking in faith, even in the face of fear and doubt. She also addresses the lies and manipulation of Satan and the need for discernment in navigating difficult situations. Overall, Lindsay's story is a testament to the power of faith and resilience in the midst of adversity. In this conversation, Lindsay Tedder and Ruth Hovsepian discuss the challenges and spiritual warfare that can arise in motherhood. Lindsay shares her personal journey as a single mom and the struggles she faced in balancing her faith, motherhood, and her own callings. They discuss the importance of recognizing and celebrating the miracles in our lives, and how Satan can manipulate those miracles to hinder our relationship with God and our ability to fulfill our callings. Lindsay shares her realization that she needed to surrender control and prioritize her relationship with her children, leading to a transformation in her perspective and a renewed sense of purpose.

Takeaways

• Infertility can be a long and painful journey, but miracles can happen.
• Adoption is a beautiful and challenging process that requires faith and surrendering control.
• Satan will try to manipulate and plant seeds of doubt, but discernment and reliance on God's guidance can overcome his tactics.
• Walking in faith means trusting in God's plan, even when it doesn't align with our expectations. Recognize and celebrate the miracles in your life
• Satan can manipulate our miracles to hinder our relationship with God
• Surrender control and prioritize relationships over achievements
• Find purpose in the midst of challenges and struggles

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Lindsay's Story
• 6:27 The Challenges and Blessings of Adoption
• 11:17 Overcoming Satan's Manipulation: Walking in Faith
• 16:32 The Power of Surrendering Control
• 22:28 Introduction and Personal Struggles
• 26:01 The Intense Spiritual Battle
• 28:27 Bitterness and Resentment in Motherhood
• 34:07 Kicking Satan to the Curb

Transcript

Ruth Hovsepian (00:01.171)
Welcome to Out of the Darkness, the podcast where we share stories of hope, resilience, and the undeniable power of faith. I'm your host, Ruth Hovsepian and today we have an extraordinary guest who embodies all these qualities and more. In today's episode, we are looking into how Satan can manipulate our miracles to keep us from fulfilling our Godly calling.

Lindsay Tedder is a comedic storyteller who refuses to let anything dim her light. After a decade -long battle with infertility and finding herself at rock bottom, Lindsay experienced a miraculous turn of events that brought not just one, but multiple babies into her life, quite literally on her doorstep. But these blessings also marked the beginning of a spiritual warfare that challenged her motherhood and faith.

Today, Lindsay is here to share her incredible story and offer insights into how we can all keep our light shining brightly, no matter the obstacles. Welcome to the show, Lindsay.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (01:13.134)
Thank you so much Ruth, I'm super honored to be here. Thanks for asking me.

Ruth Hovsepian (01:17.427)
It is my pleasure and I'm looking forward to it. Lindsay. It is an absolute pleasure, as I said, to have you on the show because we met about a month ago in person, but not even. And I loved you, your story and everything that goes to it. Your story is both heart wrenching and uplifting. And I'm so excited to dive into it today. So start us off.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (01:25.326)
Hehehehe

hello@lindsaytedder.com (01:30.83)
Right.

Ruth Hovsepian (01:45.043)
share a bit about those 10 years of infertility and what it felt like when you first began to see God's hand bringing those miraculous babies into your life.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (01:58.542)
Well, I mean, talk about overwhelming, right? Todd and not my husband and I, you know, we got married, I was 25 and right away I had endometriosis and so I knew, you know, my journey to motherhood would probably be a little bit different than someone else's, but I didn't, I had no way to prepare for what it really would be. And we spent, you know, I went off birth control right away and we tried every.

effort, every method, every doctor's appointment. We had miscarriages and failed adoption attempts and low percentage numbers at the doctor's. Just anything that you associate with an infertility journey, we unfortunately experienced. And we had basically resounded to the fact that we would just be dog parents and cool aunts and uncles. And honestly, I was heartbroken.

but I was like, you know, I'm a really good aunt and I love my pups and so I'm okay with it, right? I had to like get to that place. Well then I had a random associate. Like at that point she wasn't really a friend. We just knew each other briefly.

and she stopped me once and was like, so this may be a super overstep, but I feel like we're supposed to, I'm supposed to offer to surrogate for you. I don't even know if that's something that you would need. And I was like, okay, that's weird.

You know, and she so we kind of were walking through this process of surrogacy and what it would look like and we had a four person, you know, both couple meeting to see what it would look like, what they would tell their children and their family and what we would how we would present it and you know what that looked like. Is it what God's telling us to do? And in that meeting, historically, you must know, Ruth, that I wanted twin girls named Lila and Lydia and I wanted them to have little southern

hello@lindsaytedder.com (04:01.728)
accents and so I because that's just like a piece of history you need to know about me in order for this story to be impactful and so I was sitting in this meeting with my friend and her husband and my husband and we're going through all the what -ifs and the possibilities and in that meeting I literally just like out of frustration was like why can't God just drop a baby at my front door I would love him I said him not

them as in the twin girls Lila and Lydia that I had so fervently prayed for and you know I didn't really think much about it in the moment however a week later we were scheduling our appointment at the

infertility clinic or whatever and we had one parameter that would stop us from walking out of surrogacy and that's the only thing that we felt uncomfortable with is if it happened that way and so I called to schedule the appointment asked my one question and I got the answer I didn't want and I was like this is it.

This is the lowest point. I thought God brought us to a surrogacy and was answering all of our prayers and this is it. And that was a Thursday. And the...

Saturday of that weekend, I photographed a couple who adopted a child. And I just asked her, would you meet me for coffee? Like, I just want to talk to you. And she said, absolutely, no problem. And, you know, I kind of shared a brief tidbit of my story with her because I'm not trying to like stress her out when I'm there to take her family photos. And I...

hello@lindsaytedder.com (05:44.142)
I had made a mental note, like, okay, I'll call her and I'll talk to her about what that looks like for her and how she did it. And the next day I found out about my son.

It also happened to be Mother's Day. And through a huge whirlwind of God -inspired events, we ended up a week later meeting his birth mom and him. And then a friend who found out about it and we talked about it with said, don't take out a 401k loan, Lindsay. Let me give you $12 ,000 and you can pay me back whenever, however you want.

So it was literally just God, God, God, God, God, God, God. And we got our son with 48 hours notice. So I met them on a Sunday and Wednesday morning he was in our arms. And so we went from the literal, and in fact, it was so soon past the surrogacy thought process that I hadn't even told my friend.

Ruth Hovsepian (06:27.411)
Wow.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (06:39.47)
We're not gonna surrogate. I don't need you because god literally dropped a baby at my door and now I get to love him That never got to happen because it was so quick. I literally sent her a text. I can't talk but please pray Please pray something's happening. I don't know what it is, but please pray and so she called me. She's like what is happening? you know, and then I could tell her but you know it god really just took us from the the truest depth of my sorrow our sorrow collectively to

an overwhelming abundance of a miracle from our son. I was a control freak, like a total, total, total control freak. And you can't be a control freak when you get 48 hours notice to get a kid. You just can't. It just doesn't work that way. And so I think God was really using that time, that 10 years of infertility.

to grow me into who he needed me to be for these kids because I couldn't provide for them spiritually.

what I could now, you know what I mean? And so that 10 years of infertility, though gut wrenching and wish it was different, I couldn't imagine my life being any different than it is right now. And what better way to break off some of that, my need to control than to just keep showing up with babies with no notice.

Ruth Hovsepian (08:09.043)
You know, it's, it is just so amazing that we walk through certain seasons in our life. And we may, it may be a season that is very difficult and we are praying and we don't see an end to that, whether it is infertility or an illness, looking for a spouse, whatever it is. And these are.

certain things that we cannot control. We can, we can do things as you and your husband were, you know, going different routes and looking at different things. But at the end of the day, the base, the base of it is not in our control. You know, the, as you said, the control freak person.

It's hard to deal with all of that, right? You want all your ducks in a row. You want things to happen. And I totally get that. I get thrown for a loop often because I like to plan. I'm a loose planner, but I need a plan, right? I don't need a timetable. And.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (08:58.094)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (09:19.859)
but it throws me for a loop because I just kind of need to know, you know, like where I'm going, what I'm doing. And yet when you give your life to the Lord and you say, Lord, do what you will. You better be ready. Better watch out. And I have seen that in the last, you know, maybe 12 months where I made a commitment and talk about.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (09:36.75)
You better watch out.

Ruth Hovsepian (09:48.499)
control and project management person. And I've said, Lord, okay, you're, you're calling me. The Holy spirit is pushing me and prodding me full -time ministry. But what does that look like? How do I pay my bills? What do I do? Who do I turn to? And yet that's where the Lord was leading me full -time ministry. But what did that look like? What was that? You know, was I going to go out on the mission field? What I was going to do.

And all I kept hearing was just pray, pray. I'm praying. And you know, things are definitely not the way I thought they would be, but he also is guiding me, but also taking care of the details that typically I would like to take care of the details.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (10:31.822)
No.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (10:43.438)
Absolutely, so I'm glad you said that because I

I think as someone who can really confidently say like I'm a former control freak, like I, when I say like hospital corners on my bed sheets every Saturday morning, like clockwork prior to children, that's what I mean. And, you know, there was these levels of expectations that I felt, you know, I have to accomplish, but also there was a striving to feel qualified, if you know what I mean. So like there was a, there, when you say, Hey, I think I'm so

Ruth Hovsepian (11:13.843)
100%.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (11:17.664)
be full -time ministry, how do I pay my bills? I think it's really easy to wonder if you're qualified to do that. You said I have only a high school degree, I'm with all these other tech people and it becomes this breeding ground for the enemy. We know John 10, 10, the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, we know this, but I think it's hard.

Ruth Hovsepian (11:24.915)
Of course. Yeah. Yep.

Ruth Hovsepian (11:36.627)
Yes?

hello@lindsaytedder.com (11:44.75)
It's hard to see it in reality sometimes when you are a control freak and you're an achiever. You're a successful, you strive and you move in a direction that other people are like, wow, she really gets stuff done. But on the back of your mind, you're like, but I'm not really qualified to do anything I'm doing.

Ruth Hovsepian (11:59.827)
Yeah, it's like that the duck, you know, gliding along underwater. Yes, yes.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (12:05.102)
 feel so like why how is this my role and I felt that way with my children coming, you know, like did you make a mistake like maybe this is meant for someone else, you know what I mean? But I actually was reading this morning in acts and I'm gonna pull my phone up and show you because I took a picture of it because I was like this is gonna be good for my talk with Ruth. So I read this it's in Acts when the the disciples have just

Ruth Hovsepian (12:13.555)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (12:23.763)
Mm -hmm.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (12:35.008)
been given the spirit and they're going out and they're getting arrested for preaching but then they're like they're really doing nothing wrong so I can't even like do anything but let's just keep them quiet you know and there was you know they're on I think they were in Solomon's Colonnade I was reading and the it's scripture is Acts 4 13.

And it says, when they observed the boldness of Peter and John and realized that they were uneducated and untrained men, they were amazed and recognized that they had been with Jesus. And, you know, we.

I think that that just shows you that you don't have to be educated or trained that the whole God doesn't qualify, you know, God won't call the qualified, he calls the qualified, qualifies the called. I could not say that in any capacity, but you know what I mean. And, and I think that that scripture just hit me hard this morning in my time of study. Like, wow, you're right. Like what an honor.

Ruth Hovsepian (13:21.427)
Yes.

Yeah, I know exactly.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (13:37.294)
Like I would wear that as a badge of honor if I was Peter like I'll be like that's right. I'm uneducated and untrained but you felt Jesus on me you could feel the Jesus on me because that's where I'm at and so that's kind of like you know when I say Satan comes in to manipulate your miracles that's where I found myself you know God

I told you about my son, but after my son, God sent me two more babies back to back. And I mean, I had a big gap between Carter and the girls, but God was like, here's another one. And 48 hours isn't a long time to prepare for a child.

when you've been childless for 10 years, you know, most women get like nine months and a baby shower and you know, their friends excited and you know, we were like showing up at parties with a kid and the day before we didn't have a kid and people were like, so wait, what? You have a kid now? You know what I mean? So for us, it was a very different parenting experience, a very different level of...

preparation, you know, you can't be prepared for that in any capacity. And then fast forward, Christmas Eve morning, I got another phone call. Again, we're not on a list. We're not in an adoption agency situation. You know, it's always a family friend or, you know, someone who just knows our heart for adoption. And I literally got a phone call Christmas Eve morning of 2020 and like, Hey, there's a baby. We're not, you know, we have the older siblings, but we can't do it. We thought,

of you can you please do this?" and I'm like, I don't know let me talk to my husband. And so you know four hours later we were at the hospital to pick up our daughter and my son went from like woke up, went to sleep Christmas Eve, an only child, and woke up Christmas morning a big brother. And you know so God just kept bringing me babies with no preparation at all.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (15:36.43)
and just really forcing me to like not be in control of my own life. But I think what I was finding was happening. I looked at them as the miracles they were right there. They are living breathing miracles to a very dry infertile season of my life. It's a it's a tangible physical miracle that I can see every single day. Now most days they don't feel like miracles.

because they're two and three and they're high maintenance and they're little bougie babies probably because they live with me but that is okay. And I found myself, the first few years of an adoption are tough anyway, the process is tough. It's a constant battle between faith and fear. As an adoptive mom, you don't wanna hold back your heart.

but you also don't want it to get ripped out of your chest. And so it's a very fine line between faith and fear for those two years until that gavel bangs. You know, my girl's adoption took almost three years. It's a long season of teetering the line between faith and fear and trying to live in faith and not fear, but fear usually takes over if I'm just being really honest.

Ruth Hovsepian (16:32.755)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (16:53.139)
Yeah, and we I think we all have that experience as children of God, right? If we are walking in faith, that we come across times in our life where we are, we are fearful. I think that's a very normal reaction. We are human. We don't like to deal with the unknown. I don't know, anyone who doesn't.

You know, who likes to wade into something without knowing anything there may be. I don't know any, but I certainly know that especially prior to this commitment that I've made to the Lord in the last year, I always wanted to have certainty in my life and to have things nailed down and okay, it's going to be great. It's going to be good. That's what that that's how I.

Thought I knew God was telling me this is the right thing to do, but that wasn't walking in faith necessarily because walking in faith is walking into. Faith literally right with the unseen, but in faith. And that's what it is. When we are in the Lord, we walk, we need to trust in him and embrace. I believe what he does in our lives.

and appreciate and give thanks and be grateful for what he does in our lives. And I think we forget that. And what happens when we forget is we allow Satan, the enemy, to walk in and start to shake our faith and to make us question, and really you? How can you be a mother?

hello@lindsaytedder.com (18:36.238)
right.

Ruth Hovsepian (18:46.547)
You're not prepared. How do you love this child? You know, it's not your, your flesh and blood, but that truly is the enemy speaking to you. And that is not how the Lord wants us.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (18:48.942)
That's...

hello@lindsaytedder.com (18:59.918)
I don't think that people realize the amount of intensity that the enemy will target you during an adoption during any season but Satan hates children let's just be really honest Satan hates families he hates children a hundred percent a hundred percent terrible

Ruth Hovsepian (19:11.123)
Yes.

Yeah.

yeah. And we see that now, right in 2024, our society, especially in North America is what we are seeing children are taboo. Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (19:27.918)
Correct. And he wants families to be separated. He wants children to be disassociated from their parents so that he can have a foothold in their life. And I found myself often on a subconscious level in a, how do I say this, in a sense of disbelief that I should be doing what I'm doing, that there's somehow something,

Ruth Hovsepian (19:31.858)
Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (19:57.198)
evil in what I'm doing that I'm stealing someone's child. I'm destroying a natural family and I know those are lies from how I do and I know that adoption is nothing but biblical but when you are in that thick where

Ruth Hovsepian (19:58.323)
Mmm.

Ruth Hovsepian (20:04.915)
Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (20:16.142)
you know, no adoption is clean. There's no amount of ease. There's pain all the way around. You know, we experience pain and then great joy. And oftentimes a first family is going to experience joy and then pain. And you know, and so it's a different, there's a level when you consider other people's emotions, there's a level that you're like, wow, I think I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I shouldn't.

be fighting so hard for this, but in the reality that's completely false and we did everything, you know, as you know, appointed in scripture to care for an orphaned child and so when you can take that 10 ,000 step foot back and say, yeah, let's call it for what it is, Satan, because that's what it is. Like this is, that's a lie. So I need to...

Ruth Hovsepian (21:10.067)
And, you know, it's true because Satan will use people around you, well -meaning people to try to plant seeds of doubt. And I believe that we need the, the spirit of discernment to know and, and, and to hear, because sometimes it's not Satan either. Right. And we're not talking, I don't just mean in the case of adoption, but in any situation that you may be in.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (21:19.918)
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (21:27.502)
Mm -hmm.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (21:36.878)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (21:40.211)
If the doors, if the Lord opens the doors if God is opening the doors and giving you this opportunity. And if you are truly praying and, and, and are in the spirit, you will know the answers. You will not need the, the confirmation of others around you, the affirmation, I should say. but there is affirmation as well, right? The Holy spirit is going to affirm you and, and.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (21:54.606)
Right, right.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (22:00.302)
Right.

Ruth Hovsepian (22:08.307)
those who are in the spirit will affirm what you're doing. And it, it, the doubt is what is so difficult, right? We go into ministry, we go into adoption. Hey, I have three kids. Each one is unique in their own way. And I'm like, really? Where, why, why me? How come? And my kids were good kids. I can't even complain, but there are times, you know, there are moments where,

hello@lindsaytedder.com (22:20.622)
Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (22:28.046)
Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (22:34.19)
You

Ruth Hovsepian (22:37.587)
You know, you, you, you, I was a single mom. I had other struggles, right? I had, you know, three under the age of five at one time, you know, when I was on my own and there was doubt. Did I, was this the right thing? Where was I? But Lord, I, it wasn't in my control. What can it, it's there and your, your faith gets, gets rattled. And in my case,

hello@lindsaytedder.com (22:41.326)
Ahem.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (23:01.422)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (23:06.547)
My faith was not strong enough and I allowed, you know, Satan to wedge his foot or hoof. However you, however the tail, however you imagine Satan, I, I have a, yeah, I, I, I see him as I, I'm going to digress for a second here, but I see, I believe Satan is a very handsome.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (23:19.278)
Tail.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (23:23.662)
It's the leathering.

Ruth Hovsepian (23:35.699)
You know because otherwise, how does he get away with all he does? That's that anyway, that's yeah, it's not that ugly thing that we we see I mean it is the epitome of his soul, but it's not I believe his exterior I don't believe that God created that kind of ugliness in heaven right because he was a He is a fallen angel. Yeah, right so

hello@lindsaytedder.com (23:36.846)
I'm sure.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (23:41.678)
No, I agree. Probably full of charm, charisma.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (23:50.254)
No.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (23:55.694)
Yeah.

Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (24:02.798)
That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. He's probably stunning.

Ruth Hovsepian (24:05.107)
I've never, I've, yeah, I've never seen the devil, that ugly devil, but I do believe that their, their, their, their spirit is of how so I did die grass. Let's go back. But he puts his foot. Yeah. Yeah. But it's just to set that thing of he puts his foot into your door and pushes the door. And if your faith is not strong enough to give that door a shove and close that door.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (24:09.966)
Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (24:15.374)
Yeah. Yeah, that's all right. I'm here for like a full rabbit trail.

Ruth Hovsepian (24:34.803)
Before you know it, you're laying with the enemy.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (24:38.606)
And I think that's where I found myself, if I'm being honest, in my motherhood journey. So post adoption, the gavel's banged. I've heard banged, I think that's correct. And you kind of feel this sense of like, okay, it's done.

Ruth Hovsepian (24:43.219)
Mm.

Ruth Hovsepian (24:48.115)
Right.

trunk.

Ruth Hovsepian (24:55.347)
Yes. Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (24:56.174)
I can like just be me, I can parent the way I want to parent with no concern or risk. You feel like under a microscope the whole time that you're under an adoption. Like you have to prove yourself. Like am I good enough, qualified enough, capable enough? No, like you quite physically have to prove it in court. Like that we can financially pay for it. That we have to take like tests of our mental access. There's all sorts.

Ruth Hovsepian (25:06.195)
Mmm.

Ruth Hovsepian (25:12.147)
Self -doubt. Yeah. Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (25:23.091)
I'm sorry, they should be doing that. If they're gonna do it, they should do it for all parents. You know where I'm going?

hello@lindsaytedder.com (25:30.83)
I do, we don't have to talk about this on this setting because it'll probably not go off. Yes, I agree with you. Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (25:32.307)
Yeah, let's not talk about that today, but yeah, we'll, we'll, we'll do another episode on that one. But, but yeah, hello. I mean, anyway.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (25:41.326)
So like you go through the adoption process and then you're done and you're like, okay good I'm done But then that's really where I found myself being in the most intense spiritual warfare It was not the adoption process that was so grueling and intense and unending and that battle between faith and fear that was

Ruth Hovsepian (26:00.819)
Mm.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (26:02.094)
In essence, that was done, you know what I mean? But I found myself in this deep, intense spiritual battle and I didn't even recognize it, Ruth. I had no idea that that's where I was until I was crying in the arms of a stranger one morning when I checked into my chiropractor.

which is the only thing I do for myself and it's not because I think it feels good it's because quite literally I would not be able to walk if I didn't go weekly because of some other like I have a leg length differential if you need to know all the details there's the t my one leg is longer than the other and so it jacks up everything in my body and I'm like 100 years old and I have to wear a wedge in my shoe and so it is what it is.

I have battled that out mentally as well, but I go every week and it's the only thing I do and I'm in the chiropractor and all she said was, how is your day? How are you today? Which is what we ask all the time. And as a proper woman who knew she was on the verge of probably a meltdown, I said, okay, I'm okay. How are you? I'm okay. Let's talk about you, because I'm okay.

And as soon as she heard my voice, she's like, no, what's wrong? Like you don't see my girl, okay? And I literally was just like, full breakdown, crying in her office, like ugly cry. At the front desk, like people are coming and going. Like it's not like, you know, I'm in someone's private office. Like I'm signing my name in and I start, she's like, can I give you a hug? I'm like.

Ruth Hovsepian (27:17.299)
Ugly crying, right?

Ruth Hovsepian (27:27.187)
Right?

hello@lindsaytedder.com (27:33.358)
You know, yeah, you sure can somebody should somebody should give me a hug right now but I was coming off of you know a month -long stretch of illness in my home and my daughter had She has a cyst on her throat and her surgery is in a few weeks But at that time it got really exacerbated and she was up all night. I'm not as miserable. I was at the level of crying at the

Ruth Hovsepian (27:36.435)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (27:59.411)
Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (27:59.758)
of how my day was. That's where I was. And I came to this realization like, wow, that obviously shouldn't happen. Like I should be able to say I'm okay or I'm struggling. But I didn't, I just lost it. And I think it was this really, that was the turning point for me to figure out that Satan had been manipulating my miracles and using them against me to prevent me from following my call in Christ. Because...

That wasn't normal behavior for me. I knew it was something off. I knew that something was keeping, like I wasn't okay somewhere if this is my reaction. And I just really felt like I had to figure it out. I had to figure it out. Something wasn't right. I was angry all the time. I resented just hearing the word mom. Like literally just hearing them say mom. I was like, what do you need from me now?

Like I can't, like I literally have nothing else to give you people. And I, you know, my kids are, they're crazy ages. I have two toddlers and you know, a neurodivergent son. And like, I literally just had nothing. I had nothing left. And I really found myself like, low.

Ruth Hovsepian (28:53.011)
Yeah, yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (29:13.39)
like depressed, but I didn't recognize it as depression. Like I'm not one of, like I'm not like a person who generally suffers with a depression anxiety kind of mindset or, you know, that's just not ever been my journey, right? I know love and, you know, a lot of people that have that kind of journey, but that wasn't my journey. I, you know, I...

Ruth Hovsepian (29:14.195)
Mmm.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (29:37.582)
never struggled there, right? Aren't we cute? We're like, we never struggled there. And I literally just found myself like in a total state of resentment to my children. Like I resented, you know, I have a call in my life to write and speak. I couldn't do that. With what time, right? I am an accidental homeschool mom. Like.

Ruth Hovsepian (29:39.219)
Mm.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (30:00.846)
That's not a journey I chose, Ruth. I didn't say, let's be a homeschool mom. I didn't want to, I didn't even want to be a stay at home mom, if I'm being really honest. But God told me to and I did and here I am and I don't regret it and I love it actually now. But, you know, I had all these things keeping me from my call in Christ and I was letting the miracles of God, my children.

Ruth Hovsepian (30:18.227)
Mmm.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (30:22.382)
be manipulated against me. I had bitterness and resentment towards them and it translated in everything I did and said. I mean, I had an attitude, I had a tone, I was frustrated. It was a very selfish mentality that I was trapped within and I didn't see it that way. I saw it as a very selfless mentality. Like here I am, I do everything for everyone, nothing for myself, which was true.

which was true, but I was doing it begrudgingly. I was doing it because I felt like that's what I was supposed to do. Like you're gifted, literally gifted three children that you didn't like try hard to procure yourself, right? Like I wasn't seeking.

Ruth Hovsepian (31:10.387)
you.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (31:11.566)
I wasn't on a list. I wasn't petitioning. I wasn't fostering. They just were like here's this little package of a baby. Here you go. And you know, I was I was really stuck. I was really stuck in bitterness and resentment and I hated myself. I hated where I was and I surrendered. I said, you know what? I'm going to do this holy act of surrender Lord. You told me to write and speak.

But there's obviously no way I can do that. Look at how you've blessed me, right? I have all these blessings and I can't do that right now. So I'm gonna set this down and I'm gonna give it to you and when the kids are all in school or my life is somewhat more spaces of time where I can focus, I'll pick it back up and I'm really okay with it. I love you and I thank you for giving me this gift of exhortation and the ability to communicate on your behalf.

But I'm going to wait and I'm just going to wait until the kids are young. This isn't my season. I get it. No worries. I will. That will allow me to invest in my kids better and love them better. And that was like.

Sorry, that's not quite what I planned for you. And just kind of stopped me in my thoughts really quickly and made me realize, no, you have to do both. And it was really in the trying to do both as an overachiever, as someone who doesn't feel qualified, as all the things that really was like, wow, this is where Satan has a foothold. Satan has taken my children and made me quite literally not stand to be able to be around them. I

I would wait for weekends away or nights with dinner with friends. How do we do this? It can't be this hard for everybody. And I'm embarrassed to say that and I would never want them to know that that's how I felt about them. But I do now because I'm excited that God showed me this is how quickly me intending in the act of tending to my miracles and caring for them well. I did it.

Ruth Hovsepian (33:04.595)
Mm.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (33:13.742)
to such an extent and a detriment to my own self and the other calls that God has in my life that it nearly ruined me on both calls. You know what I mean? If given the opportunity and continuing down that same path, I could see easily that I would not have a relationship with my kids when they got older.

because I was trying to control them. I was trying to make them perform in a way that I needed them to perform and not really giving them the space and grace that they needed to be how God designed them to be. And I decided, you know, that's more important. Having a relationship with them is more important to me than whatever control freak tendencies that I might have. And I think that's kind of the starting point to finding a way to kind of just kick safe in the face.

say yeah you don't you don't own that space here anymore bro so see you later.

Ruth Hovsepian (34:16.691)
You know, it's so interesting how we go around in a circle sometimes and come back to where the Lord started us off in the first place. You know, I think that is what is that is a journey. That is a journey that we all take. It looks a little different for all of us. But it is there it is, you know, first of all, to appreciate the miracle that God has done in our lives.

My miracle is that I stand here today, you know, after 15 years of addiction, that is a miracle. Your miracle is literally having babies dropped off, you know, in your arms. And those are miracles that we need to celebrate. And sometimes we get so caught up, as you said, in the details and the things that we are doing, we forget to celebrate the

hello@lindsaytedder.com (34:52.974)
100 %

hello@lindsaytedder.com (35:03.758)
Yes.

Ruth Hovsepian (35:13.843)
awesomeness of our Heavenly Father. And I think that is the ticket, that that is where we need to go.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (35:22.03)
I wholeheartedly agree and I feel like God's just completely ordering this entire conversation because you did not know my action steps of like how to face kick Satan. I did not leave. I did not give that to you in my pre -interview and literally recognize recognizing and talking about your miracles giving them a name is step one because.

Ruth Hovsepian (35:24.147)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (35:32.691)
Yeah.

Ruth Hovsepian (35:40.979)
Yeah. Yeah.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (35:46.574)
You're completely correct. You're standing here addiction, you know, without the parameters of addiction on your life and

Ruth Hovsepian (35:54.323)
Yes.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (35:55.406)
and pushing so aggressively to show people so candidly, I love your candor on the topic, and just to show them this is where I went, that is a huge miracle. You're already doing that for everyone around you. And so step one is 100 % to not just recognize the miracles, but put a name to it. And don't be afraid to walk around talking about it.

Ruth Hovsepian (36:09.299)
Yep, 100%. Yep.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (36:21.262)
You know what I mean? Like that's what you have to do. Like my kids are miracles, quite literally, hand delivered by God with no notice or request, you know? And you know, it's just, if we can say that, if we can put a name to the miracle, it gives Satan a lot less room to manipulate it.

Ruth Hovsepian (36:45.235)
Yeah, I agree with you 100%. Lindsay, I could keep talking to you about this, but.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (36:51.886)
I know.

Ruth Hovsepian (36:55.059)
But I have to tell you, your journey is a really powerful reminder that even during our darkest times, that there is hope and light to be found. And I want to thank you so much for sharing your story and being vulnerable and transparent with it, because it is hard. And I want to thank you also for sharing your wisdom with us today and to our listeners and those watching this episode. If you found Lindsay's story as inspiring as I do, please.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (37:03.854)
sure.

Ruth Hovsepian (37:24.531)
Make sure to subscribe to out of the darkness. Go check out her podcast, her website. All of those will be in the show notes. And when you subscribe to us, you never miss an episode and you listen to our jovial voices. And if you enjoyed this call. Well, you should. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, the Lord has miraculous ways, right?

hello@lindsaytedder.com (37:40.462)
I do not have a podcast as FYI. They can follow me on socials. I should... Don't tell me that. One more thing for me to do.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (37:54.51)
I know, I'm sure at some point there will be a podcast. It's just today there is a one.

Ruth Hovsepian (37:54.867)
There will be, there will be. Well, subscribe to Out of the Darkness so you never miss an episode. And if you enjoyed this conversation, don't forget to leave us a review and share this podcast with your friends and family. You never know who is looking for a miracle or is in a miracle and just does not know how to celebrate it. Remember, no matter the darkness you face, there's always a way to shine your light.

hello@lindsaytedder.com (38:03.182)
Yes.

Ruth Hovsepian (38:24.019)
Until next time, I'm Ruth Hovsepian. Stay blessed and keep shining.