Live Your Extraordinary Life With Michelle Rios

Self-Love is the Path to An Extraordinary Life with Rachel Madorsky

Michelle Rios Episode 46

Send us a text

In this episode Rachel Madorsky, coach extraordinaire, joins me, your host Michelle Rios, on the Live Your Extraordinary Life podcast. We're talking all things L-O-V-E and specifically the pivotal role that self-love plays in our lives.  Rachel, a licensed psychotherapist, executive coach, and the best-selling author of How to Love Yourself in Less Than a Week & Also for the Rest of Your Life, has been featured on Forbes, Psychology Today, CBS News, Ellen Degeneres, The Learning Channel, and South by South West Interactive.

Tune in for an inspiring discussion that promises to reshape the way you view self-love, not as an act of selfishness, but as the cornerstone of a passionate, generous, and abundant life.

Connect with Rachel:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/rachelmadorsky/
Website: https://rachelmadorsky.com/
Book: https://a.co/d/1Zq4qyu

Connect with Michelle Rios:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.rios.official/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/michelle.c.rios
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@michelleriosofficial
Website: https://michelleriosofficial.com

Speaker 1:

And when it feels difficult, like if there's something you would love to believe about yourself but it just feels really difficult then you can add the words I am willing to, I am willing to see the beauty in me, I am willing to believe I am beautiful, I am willing to love myself, even if I don't know what that means yet.

Speaker 2:

Hi, I'm Michelle Rios, host of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. This podcast is built on the premise that life is meant to be joyful, but far too often we settle for less. So if you've ever thought that something is missing from your life, that you were meant for more, or you simply want to experience more joy in the everyday, then this podcast is for you. Each week, I'll bring you captivating personal stories, transformative life lessons and juicy conversations on living life to the fullest, with the hope to inspire you to create a life you love on your terms, with authenticity, purpose and connection. Together, we'll explore what it means to live an extraordinary life, the things that hold us back and the steps we all can take to start living our best lives. So come along for the journey. It's never too late to get started and the world needs your light.

Speaker 2:

Hello everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. I'm your host, michelle Rios, and I am delighted to introduce to you this week's guest, rachel Madorsky. Rachel is a licensed psychotherapist, executive coach and a best-selling author. Her new book, how to Love Yourself in Less Than a Week and also for the rest of your life, is a must-read, or must-listen. You can also get it on audiobooks Without further ado. I welcome to the show Rachel Madorsky.

Speaker 1:

Hey Rachel, hi Michelle, Thank you for having me. What a beautiful human you are and what a treat to be here with you.

Speaker 2:

I have just been enamored with you since I met with you back in June in Boca Raton at Kathy Heller's Limitless Retreat, and I saw you from across the room. First of all, for those of you that are listening to this on Audible or Amazon or Apple Podcasts or Spotify, you won't see her, but she has this beautiful mane of hair. She's just a beautiful individual inside and out and she's very captivating. So I saw her from across the room and just noticed her, and then she opened her mouth and spoke and I was like, oh OK, someone I really need to connect with, and I was so grateful to be able to do that then, and I am a super fan of yours, so I'm so glad you were able to join me today.

Speaker 1:

Wow, michelle, thank you, and I could say every single one of those words about you. Isn't that cool, like how we are reflections.

Speaker 2:

I love that. All right, I'm going to start off with the question I ask all my guests, rachel, which is what does it mean to you, rachel, to live your extraordinary life? Good question.

Speaker 1:

To me, it means continually tuning in and saying yes to myself, regardless of what the rules are or what anyone might think, and so it's living a yes life. It's living a yes to yourself life.

Speaker 2:

I love that. Ok, let's talk about self-love. That's the theme of the book. It's a beautiful book, it's an easy read and, if you get a chance to listen to it on audiobooks, rachel actually narrates it, so it's a double treat for you. Tell me what made you decide to focus in on self-love for the topic of this book.

Speaker 1:

I was deep in my private practice working at that point with couples primarily, and as much as I love the couple's work, I started to see a theme and the theme was that, whether it was individuals or a couple, that the core of where we start getting really hurt or tripped up or where our conflicts begin is actually around the area of self-love, which I know is a very big thing to say because it has such a platitude type quality to it. But I knew that if I could break it down and make it real, intangible and usable, that not only could it shift our relationships but it could also shift really what's happening on the plant.

Speaker 2:

Let's talk about what it means, because I do think there can be misperceptions that self-love is selfish or a too inward focused. What is self-love really from your point of view as a professional in the psychotherapy arena? What does it mean?

Speaker 1:

I want to answer that, but before I do, I want to validate what you just said, because I think it's a really important point breaking this myth that self-love is selfish or too self-focused, and I just want to first speak that that's true, and then let's bust that wide open Excellent Self-love. It's almost like trying to define love, like, how do you define love? Let's do it, scientists do it, but it's such a big idea that it's actually up to each one of us individually to slow down and define it for ourselves. So, to me, if I were going to give the softest, most tangible version of that that I could give in this moment, it would be the understanding that how we treat others is actually a reflection of how we treat ourselves, and when our cup is full, really full, the most natural thing in the world is to share.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I love that. So when we are filling our own cups as a starting point, our ability to give love to others magnifies.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and I think, especially as women, we're so trained through our culture, through society, that we're all supposed to be givers. It's better to give than receive, and women especially. That's our role in some ways, to give. But what I feel hurts us about that is if we dig into it a little deeper. Really, what it's saying is it's presupposing that our natural state isn't generous, that we feel all this extra effort into giving, and so what ends up happening is people sacrifice too much of their time, whether it's to the people around them, to their work, to our projects, and it depletes us when the opposite is true. The opposite would be I'm going to fill my cup because it's actually not only the most loving thing I can do for me, but it's the most loving thing I can do for you, because what I have to give to you when my cup is full is a way higher quality of what I have to give when I'm on empty.

Speaker 2:

And it's so true. We often, I think particularly as women look at how the children are taken care of, as my spouse tended to, or my parents, or friends or siblings, and we start there as a starting point everyone outside, instead of really making sure that what's going on within us is at a state, I think of fullness and completeness, without needing to get it from somebody else. It starts here within us Exactly.

Speaker 1:

I mean we're all interconnected.

Speaker 2:

I was going to say. I think a lot of people don't even recognize that they can love themselves, that they think that love is something that's external, right, it's something that's due to somebody else, but that the idea that you can, on your own, be in a loving relationship with yourself is probably foreign to many people.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that you're saying that. That's why part of how I wrote the book. If you read the book, you also get these illustrations that I put in there, of all these doodles, and if you listen to the book, you get me vocally loving you. So either way is good. But part of where the idea of the book came from is I started my personal growth journey many years ago I think I was 19. And I remember I was in this personal growth course and I was really suffering and one of my biggest pains was I just felt ugly. There was nothing anyone could do or anyone could say I felt ugly.

Speaker 2:

It's hard to believe, it's hard to wrap my head around it, because if you're looking at Rachel, she's stunning and I think it's probably a reflection of the fact that you've done so much work. But you really do shine on the outside.

Speaker 1:

Thank you. I think that's a note for all of us that one of the byproducts of doing work on yourself is your inner light glows brighter and brighter and your beauty cannot help but to come through. It's better than any mascara. Thank you for saying that. So I was in this personal growth course and I was in a lot of pain and I was depressed and I had all this self-consciousness about my skin and feeling ugly. And this beautiful woman leaned over to me and she said you know, this would all get better, it would all go away if you would love yourself. And in that moment I felt two things. One is I felt like someone just gave me the keys to the castle, like okay, here's the cure. And at the same time I was like what in the heck is this woman talking about? How do you do that? That sounds like happy holidays, right, go on. You're really in the way.

Speaker 2:

Good luck, godspeed.

Speaker 1:

Right, it's like there's no instruction manual, and so it took me many, many years to actually recognize that loving yourself is a practice, and you can think of it almost like yoga you can think of it as tangible things that you can do, that are simple and practical, that change the trajectory of your life.

Speaker 2:

Let's talk about ways that you can cultivate self-love.

Speaker 1:

Yes, let's do that. I'm happy to. You just stopped me or asked me anything. I'm going to tell you just a couple that are with me in this moment. One is the willingness to slow down.

Speaker 1:

I was talking with one of my beloved clients the other day and we were laughing about the recognition that for a lot of us who are high achievers, it takes more discipline to not work than it does to work. Our go-to is to go to work. That's true. That's our default Right. So part of self-love is the willingness to slow down for ourselves Period, and so one way that can look. One of the practices I do is I'll set my timer for three minutes, that's it, just three minutes, and I'll do a meditation that I like to call Just Listen. I'll close my eyes. I love to do this outside and I just practice listening, listening to the sounds, listening for any message that wants to come in, and taking that three minutes resets my whole system. And also I want to say anything you do that's self-care-ish can also be self-love if the intention is there to give yourself love, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2:

It does, and I'm reminded of the book by Gary Chapman, like your book, the Five Love Languages. Right, Like I think about itself, love is going to differ from person to person depending on what it is they perceive and feel and experience as their love language. Right, I perfectly said my husband's experience is like when I load the dishwasher, where mine is. Like words of affirmation, acts of service just don't do it for me. Thank you very much for getting my car inspected, but I'm not feeling more loved as a result of that, necessarily. But it's so interesting the dynamic on how it can be so different for two individuals, no matter how close those individuals may be, like how we're DNA hardwired to experience love.

Speaker 1:

It's so true. I'll share another one that speaks to that specificity. Another self-love practice is to sit quietly and lovingly ask yourself what is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now? And then the practice becomes twofold One, to ask the question and listen to the answer. And then two is to do the thing, be willing to trust yourself enough to do the thing.

Speaker 2:

It sounds so simple, but I don't think we can confuse simplicity with easy, because I do think some people will be paralyzed a bit for a bit. They have to really think like what is it that I want? How do I want to experience this? And a lot of people because they don't think of themselves first. It maybe takes some practice of really opening up to that question and allowing whatever comes up for them to be okay, to not judge whatever that is.

Speaker 1:

Yes, for me, often the answer is rest, just rest, just stop doing stuff, and then I literally practice resting. But I also want to turn left for a moment and say that I work with a lot of C-suite executives and entrepreneurs, and I want to talk especially to those of us who are creatives and entrepreneurs. Self-love can go everywhere we go, meaning if you have your own business. To me, part of loving yourself is asking yourself what is my ideal schedule? And then being willing to be a stand that you can make the money you want to make inside of the schedule that really delights you.

Speaker 2:

Or I would even step back and say you can do the work that lights you up, you can allow yourself to experience work that delights you, work that lights you up from the inside out. That is a practice of ultimate self-love. Because so many people walk through life doing work that they aren't connected to, because they think the most important part of the equation is the dollar versus the activity, wonder why they're disconnected.

Speaker 1:

And one of my favorite lessons and if I can save anyone some time to just take this lesson and try it for yourself is the more love I've been able to flow to myself in a practical way, the more I've been able to say yes to myself, the more I've been able to just be who I really am, the more money has flowed. The more you be who you really are, the more the right people and opportunities and money that you really want can come.

Speaker 2:

Why do we find it hard to love ourselves?

Speaker 1:

That's a big, beautiful existential question. I think it's our trading, I think it's we're all. I think in consciousness, a lot of people are evolving very quickly now and there is some truth to you know Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and our parents and their parents are struggling just to put ends meet on the table. It does seem like a big ask to say slow down and put some attention on loving yourself. It doesn't mean it can't be done, but it's just. That's not how many of us were raised or how our parents were raised, but it is time to turn the ship and change the momentum. There's also all these myths and beliefs and pressure to again to give, to be generous, to sacrifice, to appear a certain way, and I would offer one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to start breaking those rules and let it be okay for someone to think you're selfish in exchange for you cultivating more love and then discovering for yourself that you're actually 10 times more generous. What are the?

Speaker 2:

things that we need to prioritize, perhaps in our daily lives or in our minds even, to make sure that the practice of self-love and that our ability to love others because we start with loving ourselves is at an optimal level.

Speaker 2:

I would go to venture that a lot of parents of young kids struggle because they immediately want to care for the young child and it gets and evolves into a situation where they're tired and worn down and not necessarily getting their own needs met, and that's probably the moment where they need to step back and make sure they're doing that in order to provide even more for their child. But it's not necessarily how our brains are wired. Like right out of the gut cow, the baby crying. Everyone runs to the baby or the child doesn't need any one to the child, and I am marvel at the moms when I was a young mom my son's now 16, so completely different story and we're in a different phase but I remember when he was young he was a great little baby, didn't really have very many wants or needs, he was easy to care for, but it was sort of the center of attention in our lives and I remember thinking this is not an optimal situation for our marriage even.

Speaker 2:

And I would marvel at the moms who were like that child's going down at seven and dinner with my husband's at eight, and we do not miss a beat because we need that time for each other and we're going. Why are we not doing that and how do we get that done? We never really figured that out. It came much later. We're fine, but it creates a dynamic where your individual needs aren't really getting met. Your marital needs aren't really getting met because you're focused on that child. What has been your experience in working with couples and with entrepreneurs and executives? I'm sure many of them who have families have people that rely on them in one way shape or the form of helping them remember what is the most important thing and sort of the order of getting things done and how not to forget. I think it's something that I mean. I have two dogs. I sometimes forgot that they should come after all the rest of us and they're like getting all of the attention first. The dogs live well in our house.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so many beautiful things there and I want to address as much of it as I can, but even just most recently, with the idea of the dogs, they're a great example because they give so much unconditional love and we love our pets so much. So the only edit like it's a simple but maybe not easy is what if we treated ourselves the same? It's not that everyone else has to go down one, it's just that we need to move up one. Oh, I love that and I'm sure, as any parent knows, I mean I had I'm just thinking of one of my coaches who I love so much.

Speaker 1:

I have worked with a coach, JP Morgan, and he at the time two young children, and one of the things he would explain is that some of my time away from my kids and my family is absolutely for them. And the reason is because we all know the rested version of us gives so much better than the exhausted version of us. So it's the reminder that it's just that we get to include ourselves. It's not that we're excluding anybody, it's just that of course we come first. It's actually more generous because then you come to the situation giving from the overflow.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely beautiful. What do you want people to know from the book? What are some of the lessons that you want people to be aware of and come away with?

Speaker 1:

I want people to know that they absolutely deserve more love, always. There's no mistake. We've ever made no wrong. We've ever done that we haven't all done. That doesn't repair itself more quickly and fully through love rather than pushing or punishing ourselves. Pushing and punishing ourselves will never get the job done. It's actually one of the reasons why people put off loving themselves, knowingly or unknowingly, is because we think that our worth and our value and our self-esteem is attached to how hard we're working or what we've accomplished, and when we do that, there is no limit to how hard we have to work or what we have to accomplish before we'll eventually take it easy on ourself. And so if we could just flip that over and let that be an old way of being and step into an upgraded way of being, which is, of course, you deserve more love, always of course, and the you that gets more love is the version of you that you like better too.

Speaker 2:

What about affirmations? Talk to me about how affirmations can help us.

Speaker 1:

I love that. So there's lots of different words for affirmations and they're all fine. I'm just going to offer a few as a way to think about them. Here's where we misstep with affirmations. Why they don't seem particularly powerful is because we'll create an affirmation like I'm so beautiful, I love myself, and because it sometimes just feels like words. We'll see them written down or we'll say them and then we'll have a big fat eye roll. I mean, you got to be kidding me. Here's all the reasons why that's not true. And, as ever, just like fighting with ourselves and these dumb words.

Speaker 1:

And I love affirmations, by the way, another way to look at it is as a declaration or a way of being. And the distinction is that if I create the same two affirmations I am beautiful, I love myself and I treat them as a declaration or a practice, of a way of being. And when I say them or think them, I can actually practice bringing that idea inside, like really bringing it in. And when it feels difficult, like if there's something you would love to believe about yourself, but it just feels really difficult then you can add the words I am willing to, I am willing to see the beauty in me. I am willing to believe I am beautiful. I am willing to love myself, even if I don't know what that means yet.

Speaker 2:

I love that. I like the idea. I am willing or I am open to. I am open to loving myself more, I am open to seeing the beauty within me. Those are great. What are other things people can do to cultivate self-love?

Speaker 1:

I will tell you that, but I just had one other thought I want to share with you Because I think this will be motivating. I know this is motivating to a lot of the moms that I work with, which is kids learn less from what we say and more from how we're being, what we're doing. And if what we're modeling is you come first, you come first, you come first, I come last, then that's what they will believe is the way for them to be.

Speaker 1:

They will just create more generation of people that don't put themselves first, that put themselves last, that are afraid to tend to their own needs because they think it's selfish and it's just a pattern that's so worth breaking, it's so worth finding out how good your life can be and how generous you really are through loving yourself first. I think a lot of us are afraid, if we just say, all right, I'm all in with the loving myself thing, that we're going to end up with 50 extra pounds eating chocolate on our couch for the rest of our life. I mean, I thought that.

Speaker 2:

Well, or you're somehow developing a narcissistic complex or something that's too much self-love is necessarily going to be harmful to your outlook on the world.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and here's part of why the opposite is true. When we're suffering, when we're depleted, we actually have less attention to give, and the attention on ourself is kind of stuck there because we're busy fixing things or feeling bad about things. But when we're feeling good and making sure that we prioritize our own desires and our own self-love, not only do we have more to give, but our attention often naturally comes off of ourself because we're feeling satisfied. It's a funny way of looking at it, but it's so worth testing the waters. And it doesn't mean sometimes, like for some of us who have made others a priority for so long, we may need to swing the pendulum a little. You may need to get a massage every week, you may need to eat some extra chocolate, you may need to take an extra nap to get your equilibrium back, but that is okay. That doesn't make you selfish. That makes you powerful and responsible.

Speaker 2:

So let me just say we talked about how good things can get if we're practicing self-love. Let's talk a little bit about what's at risk if we don't do that, because I don't know that we've ever collectively taken a step back and saying what happens In a family, community, society, world, where we're not taking care of ourselves, we're not loving ourselves, what actually begins to happen?

Speaker 1:

That's such a beautiful, powerful question. I'm just going to rattle off some things that occurred to me when you said that we go to war. We go to war. No one who loves themselves wants to hurt someone else.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that's such a powerful statement and given everything that's going on in our world right now, I just got goosebumps from head to toe. I have no words right now, at this moment. It's palpable what happens. So a lot of the hurt. People hurt people right. We see war happening right now in so many places.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, sometimes war feels very far away from us. It's like a very painful concept. For some of us it feels very close, depending on where the war happens to be, in a more micro perspective, like right here, in a very personal way, when we don't tend to ourselves and we don't love ourselves. Some of the other things that happen are we have a negative self-talk on repeat, we take ourselves down, we limit what's possible for ourselves, we overwork, we get diseases, we get stressed, we get in the arguments that we don't even know why that argument started. It's because you've gone too long doing something for somebody else and you haven't set a boundary.

Speaker 2:

If there's ever been a need for a call to self-love, look at what's at stake. Yeah, at a micro and a macro level, it feels like it's the thing where everyone should get a manual, the life manual, one-on-one self-love. We're going to start here because before you can love anybody else, you need to learn how to love yourself. It starts with you when you're cups full. Then you can give to others. It feels like again such a simple concept, yet so many people are suffering needlessly because they don't understand that and they're not practicing it.

Speaker 1:

You know the phrase love is an action like. Love is a verb. Years ago, when it was time for me to create an LLC, I was like I need a name for my business. The name I chose was Love your Life. That's the name of my business Love your Life. At that time, what I meant is I want to help people have a life that they love. That's going to be my business. A year later, when I started studying what is self-love how do we make it easy? How do we make it tangible? How do we bring it to work I realized that even the name of my business has a different meaning now, because it means love your life as in tend to your life. Love your life the way you love your puppy. Like give to you and be willing I love this part. If you're willing, be willing to break some rules, be willing to have someone think you're selfish as a trade for you having a more loving, beautiful life that you know is possible.

Speaker 2:

I love that. Okay, what do maybe some people get wrong about self-love? We've talked about myths and busting myths, ways to practice it, but maybe what is it that some people just get wrong about it that we need to, kind of course, correct and bring them back to maybe a centering point around self-love?

Speaker 1:

Yeah and Dove, we've said this a few times. I still think it's important to resay it and say it in many different ways so we can all receive it in many different ways. The idea of selfishness just simply the idea that self-love is selfish is so important to break, because one of the things that happens is when we're walking around with that belief, we start nubbing out to our own actual, true desires because it doesn't even feel safe or reasonable to see what they are. So I love this exercise I do this with a lot of my clients. It's really fun. I invite it for us and our listeners and your listeners which is to make a list of everything you would do if you were being really bad, especially women.

Speaker 1:

Most of us have been given some kind of good girl complex. It's so fascinating that we still have that Like well, I have to be a good girl because why? It'll make me more lovable, it'll make me more deserving, I mean whatever it is, and what that does is it cuts us off from what we actually want and it invalidates the rightness of what we want. So I love the exercise If you jot down a bunch of things, even if some of them aren't feel outrageous in the moment. Just what would you do if you were being really bad? And one of the cool things about this exercise is you will see, as you write the things down with no judgment, full permission to be bad is. You might be fascinated with how much none of the things on the list are actually bad.

Speaker 2:

Mm-hmm, but we judge them.

Speaker 1:

We judge them, so we keep them away from us. It's actually a great way to discover what we want. I learned this exercise from Rachel Rogers, who is this genius human in the world who wrote the book we Should All Be Millionaires, which is a great book. I highly recommend it. She also helps break down why it's okay to want money, especially for women, and why it's important for women to want money, which I also think is a part of self-love. I think love and money that conversation goes together and you're allowed to make a lot of money and you're allowed to want money, and it does not have to be separate from what you contribute. It can all be connected to what you contribute.

Speaker 2:

That's great, Rachel. What haven't we talked about? That people need to know about self-love.

Speaker 1:

I think we've said a lot, so I'm just sort of feeling for what's left in this moment, and it's that you don't have to know fully what it means in order to start taking action in that direction, that you can just decide I'm going to be kinder with myself, with my thoughts. I'm going to be kinder with myself with what I ask myself to do. I'm going to be more generous with myself with the things I don't want to do. I'm going to say no more and I'm going to love myself the way Glenda the Good Witch would. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

I love that. Okay, rachel, let people know where they can find you online, how can they connect with you, and, of course, we will include all of Rachel's links to her social, her website and her book and where you can purchase that in the show notes. But go ahead, rachel.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much, Michelle. I just thought of one last thing, so I'll add it, and then I'll answer your question, which is that it can also be light.

Speaker 1:

So many of us, myself included, have been through really big things in our life and sometimes we think in order to heal, it has to be as intense, dramatic and long as it took to have the thing happen in the first place. I just really want people to know it actually doesn't have to. That doesn't mean we gloss over it, but the more lightness you can add to this whole idea, you can make it fun. You don't have to take it too seriously. You deserve to have lightness in your life.

Speaker 1:

If you'd like to stay connected with me, I would love to stay connected with you. You can do that at my website, which is RachelModorskicom, and I have a free newsletter. It's not like many other newsletters in the sense that it just comes out a couple times a month and it's purely love notes for your life, little notes and tips to remind you that it's okay to love yourself, how to love yourself, how to bring it into your business. It's just a dose of love a couple times a month. And then, of course, I work with women all over the world if you'd like support, and I hope you buy the book. The goal with the book is to sell and share a million copies and have a million people feel more loved, and a significant portion of the proceeds go to charities that support women and children around the planet.

Speaker 2:

That's wonderful, Rachel, thank you so much. Thank you so much for sharing of yourself. The book is lovely. I really encourage everyone go get a copy or go get it on Audible. It's really a lovely to listen to Rachel narrated as well and again, we'll have all of Rachel's contact info in the show notes. Please go look her up. She's a wonderful human being and just beautiful soul inside and out. Rachel, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you. I feel the love, Absolutely Lots of love going around. All right, take care. Thank you for listening to today's episode. If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please take a moment to rate and review. If you have recommendations for future topics, please reach out to me at MichelleRiosOfficialcom. Lastly, please consider supporting this podcast by sharing it. Together, we can reach, inspire and positively impact more people. Thank you.

People on this episode