Live Your Extraordinary Life With Michelle Rios

Mastering the Art of Saying No

• Michelle Rios

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Have you ever found yourself overcommitting, like volunteering too much at your child's school, just to feel accepted? Join me, Michelle Rios, as I share personal tales of people-pleasing and the hefty toll it takes on our mental and physical wellbeing. By unraveling the psychology behind this need for validation, we confront the anxiety, exhaustion, and resentment it breeds. Our journey together will empower you with the art of saying no, helping you to align your commitments with your core values and reclaim your sense of self-worth.

Let’s embrace the transformative power of setting boundaries as an essential form of self-care. Inspired by the likes of Oprah Winfrey, we challenge the misconception that saying yes equates to being a good person. Through practical strategies, learn to say no without guilt, preserve your energy, and focus on personal goals. You'll discover that your worth isn’t measured by how much you do for others but by how authentically you live. As we wrap up, I extend heartfelt gratitude for your support of the Live Your Extraordinary Life podcast and encourage you to share the positivity by spreading the word and leaving reviews. Together, we can inspire a community to live with purpose and joy.

WAYS TO CONNECT WITH ME:

Speaker 1:

You've taken on extra tasks to help out a colleague, but in doing so you sacrifice the only time you had for self-care or time with your family. The long-term effect Frustration, anxiety, exhaustion, probably even some resentment toward the very person you wanted to help out.

Speaker 2:

Hi, I'm Michelle Rios, host of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. This podcast is built on the premise that life is meant to be joyful, but far too often we settle for less. So if you've ever thought that something is missing from your life, that you were meant for more, or you simply want to experience more joy in the everyday, then this podcast is for you. Each week, I'll bring you captivating personal stories, transformative life lessons and juicy conversations on living life to the fullest, with the hope to inspire you to create a life you love on your terms, with authenticity. To create a life you love on your terms, with authenticity, purpose and connection. Together, we'll explore what it means to live an extraordinary life, the things that hold us back and the steps we all can take to start living our best lives. So come along for the journey. It's never too late to get started, and the world needs your light and the world needs your light.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another episode of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. I'm your host, michelle Rios, and today we're diving into a topic that I think many of us can relate to how to make sure that saying yes to others isn't saying no to yourself. We're going to explore the psychology behind people-pleasing, the deeper roots of self-worth and how mastering the art of saying no can be one of the most empowering decisions you can make for your life. By the end of this episode, you'll have strategies to help you set healthy boundaries without the guilt, so that your yes is aligned with your truth and your values. So let's get started.

Speaker 1:

Why do so many of us say yes to others when, deep down, we really want to say no? This is all about the psychology of people-pleasing. It's important to understand that people-pleasing often comes from a desire to feel accepted, liked or even validated. This can be traced back to our need for belonging and approval, which is a fundamental human need. However, when these needs take over, they can lead to chronic people-pleasing. At its core, people-pleasing is about self-worth. Studies show that chronic people-pleasing is often linked to a form of social anxiety. You may recall the famed psychologist Dr Harriet Breiker coined the term the disease to please, highlighting that this behavior is more than just a bad habit. It's deeply rooted in anxiety and self-worth issues.

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So, for example, I recall a time gosh more than one, but it was regarding my son's school and volunteering for an event, because I didn't want to be the only mom not volunteering. But here's the thing I had a full plate. I was running an office, I was traveling, I had a lot of D-dates. I was really stretched to the edge, but I didn't want my son to feel that I wasn't participating, but I also didn't want the other moms to think that I wasn't right there alongside them. So I ended up going ahead and being very involved in this elaborate event. That took a lot of planning, a lot of time, a lot of time I didn't have, and in the end I was already overwhelmed and it left me exhausted and feeling resentful and I only had myself to blame.

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So let me ask you this how often do you say yes to something you don't want to do because you're afraid of disappointing someone else? Or maybe you say yes because you don't want to seem rude or difficult? This pattern, over time, diminishes our own sense of value because we learn to prioritize others' needs over our own. So when you say yes to someone else's request or invitation, are you also saying no to yourself? This is the key question. The reality is, every time we say yes to something that isn't in alignment with our priorities, we are saying no to our own needs, our own goals and our own desires. Now think about the cumulative effect of this. Now think about the cumulative effect of this.

Speaker 1:

Research shows that chronic people-pleasing and over-committing leads to anxiety, burnout and even physical issues like high blood pressure or weakened immune function. Task to help out a colleague, but in doing so you sacrifice the only time you had for self-care or time with your family. The long-term effect Frustration, anxiety, exhaustion, probably even some resentment toward the very person you wanted to help. We tend to think that by saying yes, we're being quote unquote good people, but often we're doing it to avoid discomfort, whether that's someone else's disappointment or the anxiety of a confrontation. The problem is, the more we say yes to others when we really want to say no, the less we feel in control of our own lives. So at the heart of this issue is not surprising it's self-worth If we believe that our worth is tied to how much we do for others, we'll continue to prioritize their needs over our own. But what if we started to believe that our worth is inherent, that we don't need to prove anything by overcommitting or saying yes to things that really don't serve us? I love the Oprah Winfrey example because not only is she a powerful figure because she's super talented at what she's done over the years, but she has mastered the art of saying no. She once said you have to learn to say no without feeling guilty. Oprah credits much of her success with the fact that she learned to protect her time and energy Psychologically.

Speaker 1:

Setting boundaries allows us to preserve our self-worth and avoid burnout. It's crucial. It's a critical element for maintaining healthy relationships, both with ourselves and others. So this is where boundaries come into play. Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining your own sense of well-being, and boundaries are not about shutting people out. They're about letting people know where your limits are. Saying no is a form of self-care, and it's a practice that shows you value your own time and your energy and your emotional health. So here's something I want you to remember Every time you set a healthy boundary, you're reinforcing your own self-worth. When you respect your own boundaries, you teach others to respect them as well. Boundaries you teach others to respect them as well. Saying no can feel uncomfortable, especially when you're used to being the person who always says yes, but it's essential to understand that no is a complete sentence. You don't need to offer an elaborate explanation for why you're turning down a request or an invitation.

Speaker 1:

I have a very dear friend, one of my closest in fact, who is always getting multiple requests on her time. She happens to be single. She's sort of entered a new chapter of her life where she's trying to do new projects but she's not working the traditional nine to five, and so a lot of people assume that she has free time to help out. So she gets a lot of requests, both from her family and from her friends, and she finds herself often caught in this cycle of I don't want to let people down. Of course I want to help out and I want to show up for people and I want them to know I appreciate the invitations and if I don't say yes I might not get invited again, but it's at a level and intensity that most of us don't encounter. She has so many requests on her time that she often feels stuck and obligated to say yes, and she wants to be there for others. But here's the thing and we talk about this very openly Not always, but some of those times.

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She does it at her own expense, because she does have things that she wants to accomplish. She has projects she's working on, she has goals that she set for herself, but every time she says yes to something that takes her out of alignment with those goals and away from the time that she set aside for achieving them, she's actually saying no to herself and she's gotten into a pattern of this, and of course, the resentment does build up, and so it's one of those things we talk about. Can you say no this time? Learning to say no is such a powerful thing, but let's be honest saying no can feel really uncomfortable when you're used to being that person that always said yes. But there's actually a neurological basis for why saying no can feel so good. Studies on the brain's reward system show that when we say no to something that feels out of alignment, we experience relief and reduce stress. That's because we're preventing the flood of stress hormones like cortisol from kicking in.

Speaker 1:

So a small exercise you can try is practicing saying no in low-stakes situations first. So, for example, I always pose to my dear friend I want to invite you to this thing, or I want to have you over for dinner, or I want you to come with me, but feel free to say no if it's not in alignment for you. When we can do this for each other, it's such great practice in allowing people to reclaim their time and energy and helping to teach them that they're worth it. We're preventing that flood of stress hormones like cortisol, from really impacting us when we allow ourselves to say no, when we mean no and we wanna say no. So let's try this small exercise the next time someone asks you to attend a dinner or an event or a meeting that doesn't feel in alignment for you or that conflicts with something you have planned already for yourself.

Speaker 1:

Politely decline. Have planned already for yourself Politely decline. You'll be surprised how much lighter you feel when you start prioritizing your own needs. You have another friend that chronically says yes to things, even when it conflicts with plans she had for herself, and her reasoning is well, that was my own thing. It's not like it conflicted with another commitment for somebody else. What is she saying when she says that? She's saying she doesn't value her own time, that her own energy and her own projects and goals aren't as worthy as these requests she's getting from other people. So practice politely declining the invitation if it doesn't align with what you're trying to achieve or what you want to do.

Speaker 1:

There are times where we have to say yes because it's part of our job or because we're the ones that are up next in the family line to help with that particular issue, and we can't. We need to, and frankly, I would think that's in alignment with who you see you are and what you need to accomplish. But saying no is about honoring your own needs. It's about recognizing that you can't pour from an empty cup. If you're constantly saying yes to others at the expense of yourself, you'll eventually run out of energy and you won't have anything left to give. So saying no is an act of preservation. It's about making sure that you have the energy, the time, the resources and the inclination to say yes to the things that truly matter to you. When you say no to something that doesn't align with your values or priorities, you're actually creating space to say yes to what does, and that's the real power in learning to say no. It allows you to live more authentically and purposefully.

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Very large Latin family and there are events from time to time that come up kind of last minute and that sort of happened this past weekend. There was a impromptu party and my in-laws really wanted to go and they were looking forward to us going with them. At the same time, I had carved out time that very day to do writing and I had a full schedule laid out and so I sent my husband and son, who wanted to go and be part of it, and sent my regrets but politely declined to not participate. I didn't suffer from FOMO because I knew I was where I was supposed to be. The plan was for me to spend that afternoon writing. I was where I was supposed to be. The plan was for me to spend that afternoon writing and I felt so relieved and focused because I stuck to my plan that I didn't allow this impromptu gathering to guilt me into giving up my priorities and the same ticket.

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A friend of ours has a son. He's like a second son to me and he is applying to colleges and needed help on a video to showcase this really amazing accomplishment. He built his own race car. I happen to have the skills around creating videos and conducting interviews, and I knew it was going to be a bit time consuming. But I wanted to help this kid. He's like one of my own. I knew that I had the skills to support it and so I carved out time the next day to help him. I knew it was going to be a full day of effort, but it came out beautifully. I felt good about it. I know he was excited about it and his parents were really appreciative. That's the kind of thing that it might not have been serving my exact goals, but it was in alignment with what I believe, which is invest in the people that have worked hard around you and really help lift them up when we can. So let's role play a few situations to help make this feel a little bit more tangible.

Speaker 1:

Imagine a colleague asks you to take on a project. You could say I really appreciate you thinking of me, but my current workload just won't allow me to give this the attention it deserves. Or if a family member asks you for a favor, you might say I wish I could help you, but I've got too much on my plate right now and culturally I know saying no can be tricky, particularly in a family, especially in communities or societies where it's seen as disrespectful. In those cases, you can soften your response by offering an alternative. I can't do this right now, but let me suggest another time when I can help you.

Speaker 1:

Second, practice saying no in a way that feels respectful but firm. You can say something like thank you so much for thinking of me, but I'm going to have to pass. This time you don't need to apologize or over-explain. Simple and direct is always best. Third, remember no one else is living your life but you. You are the only one who truly knows what you need and it's your responsibility to advocate for those needs. This doesn't make you selfish. It makes you self-aware and finally learn to embrace the discomfort that comes with saying no. It might feel awkward at first, but the more you practice the art of saying no to things that are not aligned with you or your priorities, the more comfortable it will become. The key is to remember that you're saying yes to yourself, and that's a powerful thing. So as we wrap today's episode, I wanna leave you with this Saying yes to others doesn't have to mean saying no to yourself.

Speaker 1:

It all comes down to recognizing your inherent worth and prioritizing your well-being. To help you internalize this practice, I'd like to guide you through a quick visualization. So, wherever you are, close your eyes and picture yourself a year from now. You've mastered the art of saying no when necessary, and you only say yes to the things that align with your goals and values. How does this feel? What does your life look like? What does your time look like? Keep that image with you as a reminder of the peace and the freedom that comes with honoring your own needs.

Speaker 1:

And before I go, here's an affirmation you can repeat to yourself each morning. It's one I use myself, and that is I am worthy of protecting my time, energy and well-being. Let me repeat that I am worthy of protecting my time, energy and well-being. So the next time you're faced with a request or an invitation, ask yourself is saying yes to this aligned with my values and my needs? If the answer is a flat out no, give yourself permission to say no without guilt. When you value yourself, you're better able to show up for others in a meaningful way. I wanna thank you for joining me on today's episode of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. If you found this episode helpful, would you please do me a favor and share it with a friend, or leave a review if you haven't done so already. It really helps to ensure that the show is reaching the people that need to hear a positive message. So until next time, remember you are worthy of saying yes to yourself.

Speaker 2:

See you next time. Thank you for listening to today's episode. See you next time. Lastly, please consider supporting this podcast. By sharing it Together, we can reach, inspire and positively impact more people. Thank you.

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Michelle Rios

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