My Unfiltered & Personal Journey of Body Image & Self-Acceptance

Embarking on a raw and intimate journey, I bare my soul, sharing the ups and downs of my body image story. From enduring taunts in high school to battling the infamous "freshman 15" in college, my experiences echo the silent struggles many face in society's quest for acceptance.

In a heartfelt reflection, I delve into the ongoing challenges of body image, despite leading a visibly active and health-conscious lifestyle, once sculpted by bodybuilding. Sharing these vulnerabilities isn't just liberating; it offers hope to those feeling isolated in their own battles.

Addressing the emotional weight of clothing sizes and scales, our conversation exposes the impact of these numbers. I confront the misleading labels and guidelines touted as healthy, advocating for a more holistic approach to well-being.

Let's celebrate our bodies for their resilience and achievements, whether it's the miracle of motherhood or the strength found in athletic endeavors. It's time to shift our focus inward, embracing our inner strength and worth.

Together, let's cultivate empathy and self-compassion, freeing ourselves from the shackles of societal pressures. Remember, acceptance is a journey, and in this supportive community, we're all navigating it together.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

Hello and welcome to the Cameo Show. I'm your host, cameo, and today's episode is a deeply personal episode and it could be a sensitive topic for many. But that's exactly why I'm sharing my own personal experience with this very topic, the delicate topic of body image struggles and the journey toward self-acceptance. So I want to start by a confession of sorts. I have struggled with body image issues pretty much my entire life, from my teen years on, and it started for me, like it does with many, around puberty, when my body was changing and when I first started high school I was taking on a more muscular stature and, gosh, I remember being a freshman, sophomore, still in that awkward phase. I was rocking a unibrow and I was an athlete, so I was working out a lot and I was getting a little bit more muscular than some of the boys who were still going through that awkward puberty phase, that change that we all go through. Eighth, ninth, tenth grade. A lot of the boys teased me for being muscular, called me manly, often because I was rocking biceps and shoulders that were bigger than theirs. No, just kidding, that was insensitive, but they didn't know what they were doing at the time. I truly believe that now and kids are kids and they tease and they say things without thinking about long-term consequences. But that has stuck with me my entire life. It's something that I constantly battled through my high school career. There are so many pictures of me when I was a junior and senior, when I was a little bit more confident about it, flexing Even prom pictures where I'm flexing because I was proud of it but I was quite insecure about it, and so that was kind of the theme of high school for me with regard to my body image.

Speaker 1: 2:45

And as I left high school and went to college and I stopped this extreme regimen of athletic practices and workouts and started drinking a lot and partying a lot, I started filling out in other ways, and then my insecurity about my body changed from being too muscular and athletic to the narrative now being well, now I'm fat, I've put on the freshman 15, they say, and I did gain weight and I did fill out in ways that I probably wouldn't have had. I led a healthier lifestyle, one with less beer and less 3AM dominoes poor health choices on my behalf at that time, but that became the new narrative and the comparison began between what I looked like now as a freshman in college, sophomore in college, versus what I was looking like in high school and versus what some of the other girls who are considered hot and the Britney Spears is of the time what they looked like. I wasn't skinny. I wasn't Abercrombie model. I was thick, muscular, thick and then a little bit extra thick at that time in college, and so I never really had a healthy self image. I never had positive words for myself. When I looked in the mirror I could just always pick apart something about my body that I feel is a quite relatable thing to share. I think many of us struggle with looking in the mirror and seeing flaws as the default setting. I think that's been included in that.

Speaker 1: 4:31

Fast forward to being 21,. I started dating Greg and we were pregnant by the time I was 22, about a year in to our relationship, and then that came with a whole new. That was a new journey for me because I remember thinking when I was pregnant with Faith, our 18 year old daughter, that this is the only time in my life where I'm going to be able to eat with reckless abandon, not work out. I'm going to gain weight anyway, so I'm going to enjoy it and I'm not going to like really worry about eating the right things or eating too much, and when I went into labor with Faith I had gained about 60 pounds. She was a big baby, she was almost nine pounds, but 60 pounds is quite a lot. That's a very unhealthy amount of weight to gain with a normal pregnancy.

Speaker 1: 5:34

And it was at that time when I remember feeling uncomfortable and unhealthy after giving birth to Faith and realizing that like that wasn't really a good plan. It's time to get this weight off, which many women feel like after they give birth. So, again, a very relatable feeling of, okay, I need to lose this pregnancy or this baby weight. So I started getting up and going to the YMCA every morning at 5 am during the week and doing cardio only, and I lost all the weight I was nursing and within, I would say within a year, I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but in a healthier version, I would say, of myself than I was prior to pregnancy, because I was drinking and partying a little bit less still doing it, but a little bit less than I had been pre-pregnancy and certainly less than I had been when I was in college and I was feeling really good and I don't remember feeling like I had any real body image issues during that time when Faith was a baby. I remember feeling pretty confident actually, and comfortable in my own skin, that kind of shadow of being too muscular and athletic and then being unhealthy and thick in college and then overweight and unhealthy with the amount of weight that I gained during pregnancy Like that had all gone away. I had done what I needed to do, I'd put in the work to lose the weight and I felt really good about it.

Speaker 1: 7:12

And then we were pregnant with Ben and Ben was born very early and that was a very stressful time. I didn't really gain any weight with my pregnancy during that time because he was born at 24 weeks, but we spent a hundred days in the NICU at Children's Hospital in Columbus, ohio, and I wasn't taking very good care of myself. There were days when I ate literally a pint of ice cream the entire day because the stress was too much to handle. I wasn't really focused on taking care of my own health and well-being and I was spending a lot of time driving to and from the hospital and in the hospital, and anytime I was away from the hospital I was trying to spend with Faith, who was four at the time, so she was still our little princess while her baby brother was in the NICU. So taking care of myself was the last thing on my list. And then Ben came home and a healthy baby boy and we kind of got back to normal life.

Speaker 1: 8:12

And about a year later I was kind of still in that time period where I was feeling pretty good about where I was, like I had gotten back into doing some things for myself and eating healthier. When Ben came home from the hospital, getting out and running certainly helped mentally and physically and I was just feeling really good Again. The body image issues kind of subsided during that time, but I still felt like I had room to improve, like I wasn't rocking this ideal body that I wanted to be rocking. And I don't even remember what an ideal body looked like or felt like then, but I just know that I wasn't really there. I had some weight that I wanted to lose or I wanted to trim out my waist or whatever the case may be. I don't even remember.

Speaker 1: 9:01

But I started going to the gym again and I hired a personal trainer and I think I just wanted to get in better shape and so I started working out and lifting weights again. For the first time since high school, and because I was lifting weights and doing some HIIT classes, my body shaped up pretty quickly in a way that it hadn't since I was an athlete in high school. All of the cardio that I had done after faith was born had, like I said, I had lost weight but I wasn't muscular. I was just kind of more of an ideal weight for my height and body type. But when I started lifting weights again after Ben was born, I started putting on some muscle pretty quickly and at that time in my life in the gym that was celebrated. Everyone there was very focused on being healthy and supportive. We were in running groups.

Speaker 1: 9:58

I ended up starting to teach classes there myself and there were several people who were competing in bodybuilding at the time and when I started to kind of cut out, my muscles started to show. It just took one person His name was Zach, he was one of the few who were doing bodybuilding at the time in that gym to say, hey, you should compete. Have you ever thought about it? Like you have a good muscular stature, you might do well. And I was like, nope, never thought about it, know nothing about it, but now that you mention it, okay, I'm up for a good challenge. So he introduced he and my trainer, jen, introduced me to my nutrition coach and bodybuilding coach, bob, and the bodybuilding journey began, and this was 2012.

Speaker 1: 10:46

For the first time in my life I believe that, because muscles were celebrated I felt comfortable challenging myself to see what can my body look like? So not just lose weight and be skinny quote unquote but build my body in a way that is like sculpting. And so I got very involved in bodybuilding and I did well. I didn't do so great my first show, but my second and third show I did very well and my fourth show believe it was my fourth show was my fourth show. I won my IFBB professional bodybuilder status in women's physique, which is I'm very grateful for to this day, and I felt very confident in the way that my body looked because I was winning and I was getting reinforcement from the powers, that be, from the judging panel, from the bodybuilding community, that what I was doing was right.

Speaker 1: 11:54

But, with that being said, the flip side to that coin is I was also feeling insecure from time to time about my muscles when I wasn't in the gym or in the bodybuilding world, going to the grocery, or I remember taking my kids to the water park, people would look at me like I had two heads. I remember these young, probably teenage boys kind of mocking me like flexing their traps. I had some pretty juicy shoulders, so I remember still feeling insecure. I also remember still being able to look in the mirror and pinch what was skin and think that it was extra body fat, and that was kind of a moment that now I look back on and realize like I was confident because I was getting that reinforcement. But I was still struggling with what I really looked like, what I really saw, what I really felt like and I wasn't really focused on the right reasons to be doing anything. I was focused on this exterior shell, and rightfully so. I had a goal that rewarded that, and so for anyone to be able to be less than 10% body fat and still think that there's flaws in their weight or in their body, it's pretty touchy right For me to look back and think about that. It's a pretty unhealthy vision and view of your own body.

Speaker 1: 13:26

But I was happy. I was enjoying what I was doing. I was definitely struggling to see what really I looked like from these past images and these past ideas and the current judging and comparison and criteria that I was trying to accomplish. I didn't think I was struggling then, but I definitely was and I totally identified with the idea that this is what I do and it formed this facade, this false identity for me. And it wasn't stressful and I didn't hate it and I was actually very healthy during the journey because I was eating such whole amazing food on a regular basis and working out, you know, on a regimen that wasn't too strenuous but was appropriate for what I was trying to accomplish. Like I was probably the healthiest I've ever been during that time, even though that wasn't why I was doing it. It was a side effect which was a great one, and during that time I learned how to eat properly and I learned how to understand nutrition and I learned to try new things and new foods that I would have never touched prior to that moment that have now shaped who I am and how I eat and how I train now. But back then that wasn't the case.

Speaker 1: 14:45

And then we moved to Florida. Our family moved to Florida shortly after I won my pro status and I kind of put bodybuilding on hold. We were renovating our life and kind of hitting the reset button and figuring things out, making sure that our priorities were right, and bodybuilding didn't fit into that time in our life for at least a little while. But then I wanted to do one pro show at least, and so I started training again shortly after we moved to Florida. Within the first year and this time was so different I blew out my shoulder right before we moved to Florida and so I had lost some muscle mass and I was feeling pretty good because I was still seeing the benefits of how I had been eating. But I lost some of the muscle mass and so I was feeling pretty good around that time.

Speaker 1: 15:34

And then, when I started training again, I was really looking at it for a different experience. I wasn't really looking at it for this idea of winning or having this perfect body or bodybuilding being the thing that I do. Forever I detached myself from that being my identity and from that being my worth and my value. And now I was doing it just to show myself that after a shoulder injury, after some adversity in my personal life, after a big move, I can still go out and do this. I can be dedicated and put in the hard work, and I did. I showed up on the stage and I enjoyed every minute of that prep. Greg and I did it together. We ate together. It was a really great moment and I felt really good about how I looked, but again kind of back to how I had looked originally. I could still find flaws in a very low body fat percentage.

Speaker 1: 16:27

All these years later, gosh, it's been almost 10 years since the shoulder injury and since moving to Florida and about nine years since I did my last bodybuilding show. I have done all kinds of athletic endeavors. I have climbed mountains and ran marathons. I am very heavily involved in mixed martial arts right now and I have consistently eaten a bodybuilding regimen for the most part knowing what foods to choose and what nutrition my body needs, with some play right. Who doesn't love pizza and ice cream and all of these things that we add to our once a week food list? But I have a healthy relationship with food. I have a good handle on that.

Speaker 1: 17:15

But what I still struggle with all these years later is that there are things that keep me from feeling good about my body, even though I work hard and I know better and I can talk myself out of the narrative that I am not my ideal size. I don't look like I did when I was in bodybuilding. I understand that that's not realistic to attain all the time. I understand that I'm not training like that anymore, that that's not the goal. I understand that I'm getting older, my body's changing and my hormones are changing and that really my goal is health and I'm probably maybe aside from that time during bodybuilding. I'm probably healthier than I've ever been with regard to food and weight.

Speaker 1: 17:59

In my relationship with that, however, I would be lying if I said that I don't struggle with it because I do, and part of the reasons that I still struggle with it isn't because it's tied to my identity or my happiness. It's because of external things, like things I know I shouldn't get hung up on, but I do, things like sizing. So the inconsistency in sizing from brand to brand drives me crazy and I know it drives lots of women crazy, because you feel like I'm a size four. Let's say, well, some jeans, I'm a size eight and they may not be any different than the size four, but psychologically that messes with me, right? Because I put on those eights and I feel like, well geez, have I gained weight. And my ego takes over and that narrative of scary voices in my head starts talking about needing to be more aware and that your pants don't lie. And that's true. Your pants don't lie when you put them on, unless they're freshly washed and a little bit tight. They usually are the same size forever, right. But the sizing in the pants from brand to brand does lie, and so those things still get at me a little bit.

Speaker 1: 19:15

Same with the number on the scale. I know better and I get on the scale all the time just to kind of see where I'm at. I am heavier now than I think I've ever been, aside from post-pregnancy when I gained the 60 pounds with faith. But I'm totally okay with that because I know that my body weight will fluctuate from morning to evening to the next morning, sometimes six to 10 pounds, depending on water weight, depending on what I've eaten, how much sodium holding, how much I've sweat, if I've sawn it, all of those things. I know that the number on the scale lies basically, but it still bothers me because we use that number as a measure of health, even if we shouldn't, and we use that number to factor into our BMI. So your height and your weight give you a certain percentage and that's your body mass index and my body max index indicates that I'm obese, which I know is not the case. But just the fact that that comes into the conversation messes with me psychologically, right? So I do things like go get a body composition scan so that I understand where the fat and muscle are on my body in a real clear, more accurate indicator of where my actual body fat percentage lies versus what my BMI is.

Speaker 1: 20:34

But what I've learned through the challenges that we face in society of comparison and brands and sizing and scales and numbers and body mass index, is that honestly, none of that really matters At the end of the day. What matters is that we are healthy, because this body is our home forever. It's the one that we get and it needs to be cared for. And if that's always at the forefront with our activity, with the foods that we put in our mouth, we're both nutrition and for pleasure, because we're human and we eat ice cream and pizza and that's okay. But as long as we're aware of those things, that we're focusing on health, that it won't really matter what any of those other numbers or things show us we should be.

Speaker 1: 21:25

It doesn't really matter when I look in the mirror if I feel like I look different than I probably do. It has everything to do with understanding that it's health first, and then kind of digging into my own fragile self image that originated all the way back into my teen years, and being conscious enough to say, when I'm feeling like I'm nitpicking at myself, or when I'm feeling fluffy, we'll call it or when I'm feeling unhealthy in a way of my weight, both mentally and physically, it's being consciously aware enough to remind myself that, like, maybe I need to make some adjustments. But the overall theme of what I'm looking to do is about my health and happiness. I'm not defined by the size of my waist or the size of my muscles, for that matter. It's the focus from external to internal and really getting a deep understanding of why we feel that way. It doesn't make it go away. That's why I'm talking about this.

Speaker 1: 22:29

I still get on the scale. I still have those moments where I'm like, oh my God, the scale is heavier than I want it to be and I'm working out and I'm eating good food, like what's going on. I still have those moments where I will pick pictures of myself in a bikini. I posted this video recently on my Instagram of Greg and I grappling at Beach Grappling and for Jiu Jitsu, and I have on little shorts and you can see the cellulite in the back of my legs and I almost didn't share it, like I'm so proud of what I've learned in Jiu Jitsu just in a short period of time and so proud to share that. We go work hard and it's fun to see Greg and I grappling, especially because he's so much bigger than me. But I almost didn't share it because of all the cellulite on the back of my legs and that's deeply ingrained in me for all of these years of the wrong story I've been telling myself Instead of hey cameo, you were an athlete in high school, you took a little sabbatical, then you had two babies and then you've done really amazing things since then. You became a professional bodybuilder. You ran a marathon, you submitted a mountain for an endurance challenge. You are now currently 41 years old, doing Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu training intensely on a regular basis.

Speaker 1: 23:54

No-transcript. Can you give yourself a break and honor your body and all that it's done for you? It's like each passing day. There's this constant battle of knowing better, knowing what I should be, telling myself what is healthy for me to do and say, and the struggles that I face that are, like many other people, of constantly nitpicking ourselves and seeing the things that remind us of the parts of us we don't like externally. But if we can focus on the internal and be really kind to ourself, with hyper awareness, it doesn't get easier. You just get a little bit better. That's what I like to tell myself 1% better every day.

Speaker 1: 24:36

The other thing and I'll close with this here on this topic is that I have a teenage boy who's 13, 14 he's the same age that I was when I started becoming very aware of my body and body image and our daughter is 18 and she's been through this, you know, for the last four years and probably still a little bit now and her friends, whom I love dearly. I wouldn't nitpick at them like I do myself. I wouldn't Allow them to look in the mirror and pick out all of their flaws and compare themselves to Things that they see in ads, stars, celebrities, the Kim Kardashian's of 2024, social media and filters which, man, we didn't even really have to deal with when I was Younger and impressionable but do have to deal with it now. But I wouldn't let them do that to themselves. I would have a conversation with them. I do have conversations with them about a healthy approach to taking care of themselves and what BMI means and a healthy body weight, and that their body is changing and growing and what once a week food is versus healthy food the majority of the time. So be kinder to yourself. That's that's my message and that's my message to me to be kinder to myself about these things as well.

Speaker 1: 26:02

And here's the deal. We all struggle with it men, women, moms, dads, teenagers, adults we all struggle with it. There's so much pressure, there's so much societal influence. There's so much comparison. The real deal is it's an inside job, and who we are as people is not just what you see in the external shell. It's not about the number on the scale. It's not about the amount of muscle that you have. It's not about even understanding body composition or any of that. The reality is that it's about the kindness in your heart, the resilience of your spirit and and how you show up in the world every single day.

Speaker 1: 26:46

There's a lot to unpack there, I understand, but I just wanted to share, like a real human moment, with you that I too, even as an old Bodybuilder, struggle, even as a extremely active person who eats healthy and shares that I share my activity levels, I share my healthy food. That, even though I might appear confident, I still struggle behind closed doors and struggle when I look in the mirror, just like everyone else, or many people do. So if you're like me, I hope that this episode Helps you feel seen in a way that you know you're not alone in the way that you might feel, and I also hope that it gives you some ideas about how to change the narrative for yourself, about looking for ways to be more compassionate with yourself and more consciously aware of the reality of what might be happening when you look in the mirror or when you get on the scale, or when you buy a new pair of pants and they're the Size bigger and they shouldn't be, and that a lot of this originates at an early age and it Starts before we're even aware of it and it becomes what we identify with. There's always flaws to fix, there's always imperfections to hide, there's always standards to meet, but it's an inside job, with your happiness and your health first and Removing the identity of having cellulite as a negative attribute of who you are.

Speaker 1: 28:19

I know I say this a lot when I do episodes like this that are deeply personal, but I don't mean to be insensitive to anyone who struggles with weight, obesity or any eating disorders diagnosed body dysmorphia.

Speaker 1: 28:33

But just because you haven't been diagnosed with those things or maybe you don't talk openly about them, doesn't mean that you don't struggle with them. I'm definitely not sharing any of this to make anyone feel bad or be insensitive to anyone's situation. I'm just sharing that I'm also a person who has real human emotion and Real self-doubt and body image issues, even though you may not think so. And so, along with self-compassion, we can also extend maybe a little bit more To our friends and neighbors and strangers that we encounter, because you never know what someone is working with, dealing with, fighting through on a regular basis. I'm always grateful that you've joined me on the cameo show and I hope that you find the courage to be unapologetically yourself. Thank you for joining me on this journey of vulnerability and self discovery and self acceptance. Remember you are enough Just as you are, and you are not alone ever in any of the struggles that you encounter. Take care everyone.