Dating as an Empath, Highly Sensitive, Spiritual Woman

I always get asked about dating as a medium/spiritual practitioner/intuitive coach/empath so today I’m spilling all the tea! You & I will dish about: When looking at potential partners: What is important (my top 8)? What is NOT important(these may be controversial!)? 
I’m sharing some of my personal boundaries & “words to live by” that I use as I’m dating PLUS some Do’s and Don’ts to consider as you look at people’s online dating profiles, have those initial conversations and first dates. 
And, of course, I’m sharing some juicy (and one “icky”) stories from my real dating life sprinkled throughout the episode! 

Show notes:
Books mentioned: Author: Iyanla Vanzant
                                          Book Titles:  In the Meantime and 
                                           (workbook) Living Through the Meantime 

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Transcript

Hey beautiful soul Welcome to spirits speakeasy. I'm Joy Giovanni joyful medium. I'm a working psychic medium energy healer and spiritual gifts mentor. This podcast is like a seat at the table in a secret club, but with mediums, mystics and the spiritual luminaries of our time. So come behind the velvet ropes with me and see inside my world is I chat insider style with profoundly different souls. We go deep share juicy stories laugh a lot and it wouldn't be a speakeasy without great insider secrets and tips. You might even learn that you have some gifts of your own. So step inside the spirit speakeasy. Hey, beautiful souls Welcome back or welcome in for another episode of spirit speakeasy, I am your loving and adoring host Joy Giovanni joyful medium. Today we're going to talk about something that I hope you're going to find interesting. I get so many questions about my dating life, a lot of you know that I have been single for several years now. And I'm back to dating for the last couple years. So we're going to talk about dating as a spiritual woman, a sensitive and intuitive. whatever age you are, now, some of these tips can be applicable to you. So I wouldn't really say it's a dating advice episode, but it's me spilling the tea about my own personal dating life as far as what it is I'm looking for, like what I consider important to look for what I consider not important like in someone's profile, or when I'm first meeting them. Also, we're going to go over some boundaries that I have, which you can choose to adopt or not. But based on everything I've learned, not only from my work, but from all the personal development and bad experiences I've had over the years. Some extra things to consider. And then I'm actually going to give you a little list of do's and don'ts, some tips for looking at people's online dating profiles, and first conversations, first meetings, that kind of a thing. So share this episode with someone that you know that is dating that is a highly sensitive person. And if you're in a phase of life, where you're not dating, say you're taking a break, or maybe you're already partnered or coupled in some way, there will still be some entertaining stories for my dating experiences sprinkled throughout this episode. So I hope that there will be something for everyone. Let's just dive right in. I have been asked to do this episode many times for quite some time now. And I've been a little resistant, but I finally collected my thoughts and made some notes for myself. So if you see me looking off to the side, I am looking at my notes. As usual, I want to start with what is important, whether I'm coaching. Ladies, I typically work with more ladies than men, and I identify as a female. So this is from my perspective, as a female as a sensitive. All of this information does not exclude those who are male identifying but just know this is from my perspective. So what's important to me, or what am I looking for? When I'm looking at either someone's profile, or when I'm first getting to know them? The first and most important thing on this list for me is character, how do they treat people? What are their core qualities? Are they honest? Do they have integrity? What are the challenges with them? And what? You know, how do they present in the world, right? Because sometimes, I would have probably joke about this later, too. But I think it's Chris Rock, that comedian that has a joke about when we're first meeting someone, and whether we're dating or you know, meeting a new friend or colleague. But we're specifically talking about dating today we're meeting their representative, who they want us to think that they are all the time, we're probably not meeting the true them right away. I am going to jump into a story right off the bat, there is an example that I can give you. This gross civil rights attorney is what we call this person in my little circle. So there was this person and I saw their profile online. There were a couple things and I'm gonna go into how I read the profiles in a little bit. But there are a couple things that kind of stuck stuck out to me. I was like, I don't know, I don't know about this one if I'm interested. But there were a couple like redeeming qualities or factors for me just in the profile that made me feel like okay, I'm at least willing to have a conversation with this person and see if I want to go on a date. And then if the conversation goes, well, I'm at least willing to like go on a first date and see what happens. I'm not closed. We have to be open hearted and open minded and in a place where we're ready to be dating. I think that goes without saying but this person was a civil rights attorney. So I felt good about that. They had some of that kind of listed some of the beliefs, you know, as far as like integrity and being honest and had that vibe to part of their profile. So I was like, Okay, I'll at least have a call with this person. So the initial call goes fine. We agreed to meet and have a date. We are going to meet at a nice upscale cocktail lounge that's walking distance from my place. So I walked down there. This was maybe maybe not quite a year ago, but right right in that vicinity. So I meet this person, I got there early because that's who I am. They showed up immediately complimented me on my appearance, which is nice compliments are nice, right? It wasn't a gross compliment. I will tell you one of the first things I noticed about this person there you guys know I love stand up comedy. There is this comedian, who does it? Is it Eliza Schlesinger, I think that has the joke where it's like, scan the women are scanning, you know, is his shirt unbuttoned and appropriate amount of buttons for his ethnicity. His shirt was on button a little bit more than I thought, like, I kind of noticed it as like, Okay, well, that's, that's, that's a look. But I just let it go. The conversation was fine. We had a cocktail at this cocktail bar, decided to he wanted to show me a rooftop bar that was just around the corner that I hadn't been to. And I was like, okay, cool. So we go to this rooftop bar and the conversation still okay, he's flirtatious. That's fine. I'm engaging. I know how to make conversation. I feel like he's pressuring me a little bit to drink faster than I am. And I typically over like, if I'm gonna have like a three hour date, for example, I might have two cocktails. But I really think we should try to have our wits about us if we're going to, you know, be going on a date, like a lady. So I felt the pressure, he went to the restroom, and I actually gave the drink back to the bartender and asked him just to get rid of it, because we had already been there for about a half hour and there was a lot of like, he kept handing me my drink wanting me to drink faster. And I was like, Okay, well, this is a little uncomfortable, but like, okay, maybe he's just trying to have fun. We were having good conversation. He was a great conversationalist. That was fine. And then he wanted to go around the corner to a different place that had like live music and a little bit of dancing. And I was like, okay, cool. Like, that sounds fun. I've been wanting to try that place, like, let's go. So we pop around the corner, this place. He gets me another drink, which was fine. I just assumed he was trying to be courteous. Sometimes when I'm in the moment, I'm not processing as quickly as I would be if I was on the outside looking in. I don't know if that's true for you, too. But sometimes it's in retrospect, I can process things a little differently. So maybe, now I realize like, Oh, this guy was really trying to get me to drink. So he buys me another drink. I'm gently sipping on it. He's again trying to get me to drink more. He's trying to dance. So I we get up and we dance. I like to dance. I like to have a good time. And he keeps putting his face like uncomfortably close to my face in my personal space. clearly trying to get me to kiss him. I didn't want to kiss him at that point. It was too soon. For me. I didn't feel comfortable, but I gave him a little pep kiss and thought like, okay, chill, dude. So I sit back down after a couple of songs. And he's again trying to get me to drink more and trying to like, dance up on me when I'm sitting on like a bar stool height chair and kind of like rubbing on me and starts kind of like grinding on me in an uncomfortable way. I have some PTSD from bad past experiences that I'm not going to go into in this episode. But just know there's this little triggering for me when this is happening. And I go into like a bit of a freeze mode. So this and this is over the course of like an hour that this is happening. I go to the bathroom to get some space. I was thinking like, is there a back exit to this place that I could just dip out? I go back to the table. He goes to the restroom, which is great, because it gives me a little bit more time. I may have given the drink back to the bartender again, I don't remember but I definitely was like I'm done drinking. He comes back he's again doing the same thing trying to grind up on me it was gross. It was so gross. To the point where and I was like ignoring him emotionally distance like really withdrew was like watching the band eyes locked on the band and not like engaging with him really at all. And this is like about 15 more minutes of this and then he goes on to say something to the effect of like, Oh, you must see like you seem really tired. And I was like yeah, I'm tired. I think it's about time for me to get going home like let's just wrap this up basically.
He continues to try to be a little bit more physical with me. I thought his advances I couldn't have gotten into that lift. I think I usually Use Lyft, not Uber, but whatever I'm not sponsored by either of them. So, ride share, I couldn't have gotten into that thing fast enough. And I only lived about four or five blocks from where we were, I could have easily walked home, but I just was like wanting to get away from this guy. So quickly. So sometimes there are things that we can't discern about someone until we meet them in person, but like, what's their character? Are they someone that's going to like, give you that full court press? In a way that's gross. And I have to tell you that experience, because he was so physically aggressive with me. I like was down for like, a couple days totally like not on my phone, not on social media in bed, like very upset with myself that after all this growing and healing that I didn't feel like I reacted in a way that I would have wanted in that situation. I feel like I should have you know, in the moment, I was like, What do I do? I don't, I realized I became very aware, like, I don't know, this man, he could, you know, he could get more physically aggressive with me, I just need to get out of here safely. So, and he had the audacity to message me, like the next day and ask when he could see me again. And I was like, Oh, this dude. So I had basically messaged him back and said, like, I think that's like i Good luck in your search. And before I could report him to the app, he had unfriended me or whatever the version is on on those apps of that. So character is the most important thing that I'm looking for. Okay, let me go a little bit more down this list. Now you know about gross civil rights attorney guy. So religion is also very important. I'll tell you why. It's not for me that in this again, you can have different views on this. This is just my personal like what your girl joy is doing in my dating life. It's just such a big part of people's lives. Like if someone's going to church every week, if they have religious practices that they would be wanting to share with a partner, if they would be wanting me to go to their synagogue, if they would be expecting me to adopt the rules of their religion, for example, and I'm not talking about they were raised with a religion and they have, you know, a private faith, I'm talking about that it's a big part of their life. From personal experience, I know that even when we leave a religious practice for years, if we still identify as that religion, often it will come back around at some point in our life and become important to us again, and I am solid in my beliefs. And I just am not joining any religions anytime soon. So I honor and respect everyone's faith, and everyone has a right to their faith. I just know what mine is. And if someone feels strongly about an organized religious faith, I just know we're not a match. So it's like no shade on them. It's just something I'm looking for. Same goes for political beliefs. I know what I believe. I know that I can't have someone in my life, for example, that is racist, someone that does not support LGBTQ i plus writes like I these are things that are non negotiable for me. And so that's something I'm looking for, like right off the bat. And a lot of these apps people list their political preferences. So if they're saying Republican, or I've learned, even if they're saying moderate, that's often and these are generalizations, often as a Republican in disguise, so I would definitely be asking more about that if I was going to engage with someone, but usually, for me, that's just like, immediately, immediately, no, you remember that meme that was going around for a while. Okay, the next thing that I'm looking for and evaluating for just right in the profiling, what's important to me, their job, or financial status, and I will tell you why before you guys read me for filth over this, I in 99%, of my past relationships have been either the primary supporter, the only supporter or at least more than 50%, supporter of the family. And every time it has resulted in a resentment towards me from the other person, because of the way I could do my schedule, because I, you know, have been lucky to have jobs that I've loved over the years have put my energy into careers that I felt passionate about, because I have made lots of money at different times. There has been resentment that has been bred from that in my life. So they need to have a solid, you know, financial stability, job level that is equal or higher than mine. I wish it wasn't true. But I've tested it again and again and thought like, oh, we can be partners, and it's okay, if they do something and make a lot less than me, that doesn't bother me. It just has never worked for me in the past. When something doesn't work for us, what do we do? We do it a different way. So that's why one of the reasons why that's important to me. And also I've fully supported partners before and it's just not something I agree to do again. Of course, when you're with someone, let me just put a little asterisk on this and you've been, you know, a long term partner with them and something happens, they lose their job and illness, you know, comes up, whatever, that's a different situation. But I like to start it off as equally or, you know, in a good position as possible. Another thing I'm looking for is if they have kids that are still you know, school age or like still living at home age, what is their co parenting situation? i i For me, it's not a like a no go on kids necessarily. Even though my many of you know my kids are already out of the house. I just would want someone that has like an amicable like a good co parenting situation, right? The other thing is, what's their relationship status? Because I don't agree to be involved with someone who's like, either just filed for divorce or separated or like, I want them to be divorced for a good year. Not just like, newly divorced, getting my feet wet, not sure what I'm looking for, like, I'm not the one for that. Okay, so what is their marital status? If they have kids? What is, you know, how is the co parenting? And usually people will just tell you this information pretty quickly, or, and we'll get into like, what to notice a little bit later, but or in conversation, they will just, for example, like start really bad mouthing their, their kids mom, and then you know, like, okay, this person hasn't, hasn't healed hasn't moved on from this, because they could feel however they could feel, you know what I mean? They could have some animosity, it could be a not great situation. But if they're telling me that within the first, like conversation or first date, to a degree that's like more than it should be, that's a red flag for me. The other thing is, what what are they ultimately looking for? On some of these apps, they can say, for example, like what they're looking for, and I feel like within the first three dates, I'm getting to this conversation. And it's not because I have an expectation of marriage. It's because I want the availability for that, right? Or if someone is saying like, Oh, I'm only I just want like short term relationships right now. Well, that's not for me, if they're wanting to like, Oh, I just want to date a bunch of people and have fun, that's great for them. That's not for me, I'm dating with intention of finding a long term, like, forever person, my partner, right, my my partner to do life with, ideally, I'd like to be married again. But I just And again, it's not an expectation, it's just an intention, like I believe in dating with intention, or at least knowing like what I want. So that if they want something different, because if someone's like, I just never want a long term partner, again, I never want to live with someone again, then I just know we're in a different place. And that's okay. The other last thing on my list, well, a couple more things, is personality in the day to day. So this is different than at the beginning, when I was talking about like their core character qualities, like who are they as a person, this is their day to day personality, things like habits and special interests. And as part of this, I'm also like, quote, unquote, reading the photos. So like, where are they in this picture? What are they wearing? What's in the background? I'll tell you why. Now, let me just explain myself before this upsets anyone. For example, if there is someone who has a profile and say that they're allowed to have like five pictures, for example, if three of those pictures, they're on a boat, and in their profile they're talking about I own a company that does deep sea fishing, and I love boats, I know we're not a match, because I wouldn't want to spend, I mean, I don't even go on a boat once a year I get really sick. It's just not something that I would want to have to like force myself to do. That being said, we can have very different, like hobbies and interests and things. But if something is like a really consuming important part of someone's life that they would want me to be a part of, it's fair to assess is that is that a hobby or an interest that I would even want to take part in? If they have a lot of photos of them like drinking and partying for example? That's a no for me. That's just not the lifestyle that I'm looking for. And that's clearly what they're presenting and what they like to do in their day to day.
If they're smoking and a picture, that's a big no for me, too. And I actually am very wary just me personally, again, of people that have lots of pictures of their physical body like Baird, like if they have lots of like, naked chest pictures, lots of pictures of them in the gym. I'm not into it. It's just not my it's not my thing. I don't want someone who is that primary with physical appearance, I've had it before, I've had a lot of those of you that oh, that, you know, if you listen to the first episode that I did so love this podcast, WW Ed, but a psychic medium, I've had a lot of pressure put on my appearance. And I want to keep my appearance how I want, I don't want someone to have expectations for me of my appearance. And I also am not into someone who spends like hours and hours a day in the gym. I'm just not into it. So I just know we wouldn't be a match in that way, if that makes sense. Like if that's their what their day to day really into really important to them. It's just it's more probably not going to be a match. The other thing is, I'm reading between the lines of the profile, I will tell you a little pet peeve of mine is this just a personal pet peeve. It's pretty tried and true. But if a guy is listing, like my love language is physical touch, I'm reading between the lines of what that means. And if they mentioned it more than once. It's like, okay, I get what you're saying you you want someone who's going to sleep with you like that's what's happening, coupled with, you know, the naked chest pictures, and that there are guys that have like, every picture is a shirtless bathroom selfie, and they're saying I want physical touch. That's an extreme example. But like, that's a no, those are the things that are important. And the other thing is effort, like, are they making effort? That's important to me, too. As you know, as we have the conversation as we meet? Are they making an effort to have an engaging conversation? Is it more like an interview where I'm asking them questions, and they're not really wanting to learn anything about me? Are they? Are they making an effort to like, I don't know, choose a place for the first date? Are they checking on me after the date or texting me? And some of these tips over into like, you know, going on the first date, and maybe the second date? Are they making an effort to schedule a second date with me? Like, are they putting in effort? I'm sure there's more on that list. But I already feel like some of you are gonna feel like that's a lot. So let me tell you what is not important to me. Something I don't put a lot of importance importance in for me is the their height and their weight. I know this is kind of controversial, hot take, I have a lot of ladies that come into my office that are very attached to someone's physical height. Like they need them to be very tall, six feet over, or this person's weight. For me personally, I believe that amazing people come in all shapes and sizes and physical packages. And I think there are some short kings out there. I think there are some beautiful bears out there. So I'm not attached to height and weight like pretty much not not so ever not whatsoever. I mean, I would like them to have a reasonable level of health. Yes. But as I was saying, like the whole overwhelming fitness thing. No, I don't want someone who is hurting themselves or having like a really unhealthy lifestyle. But I'm just not attached to their height and weight. If they could, for example, if we could go on like a walking tour of a museum or the city like that's, that's enough fitness. For me, that's my level of fitness these days. Another thing that might be shocking to you that's not important to me, is their relationship with like their extended family, their parents, I'll tell you why. A lot of people have family trauma, a lot of people have, you know, parents or siblings or family members that they have stepped away from because those people have caused trauma for them because those people are unhealthy. Now I'm not talking about they have kids that won't see them. That's a different thing, right? That's a red flag. But if there's someone that says, You know what, I don't talk to my parents because they are drug addicts. Like do you know what I mean? It's not a judgement about that. And I don't feel like it's fair to exclude someone because of the parents that they had. We get what we get for parents and it's how we deal with it what we teach, you know how we choose to be in the world that really matters. So I know that shocks a lot of people a lot of people think like oh, I want a guy to have a really good relationship with his mom well maybe he didn't get a good mom maybe he did and that's wonderful if that's if that's how it can be but you know not everybody gets a mom that's great like that so I'm so I'm not super attached to that. The other probably shocking thing that I'm not attached to when I'm first you know, in the first like, phone conversation first date second date, I'm not attached to this idea of like the spark you know, people talk about like, I need to feel the spark I need to feel attracted to them. I need to be magnetized for me. That's a no, I'd like I said is not important, pretty much at all. And I'll tell you why. I mean, I can't be I don't wanna be grossed out by that. person, but if if they're a good kind, nice, gentlemanly person, and I just don't feel the spark, I don't read too much into that mental probably like after the third date. And here's why. I feel like sometimes it takes time to get to know someone. And the truth is, I'm going to let you into a little secret about me. I have not made the best choices with relationships. In the past, past versions of me, were choosing from a place of trauma. And sometimes I would get attracted to someone who did like the love bombing thing. I on most occasions, many of the relationships that I've been in, it's because that person, I said, No, I didn't, I wasn't interested in them. I felt like, I know something about you, you're not the one for me. And that person, people pursued me so hard for so long that they finally wore me down and like convinced me, and a lot of times that spark, especially if we're someone who has had unhealthy relationships in the past, and we're trying to like, choose a healthier way or choose healthier partners. If I have like an immediate kind of spark attraction to someone, there's a good chance that they're a narcissist. I know, I know, that probably sounds ridiculous. I know, some of you are like me, too. So I don't feel bad about it. But I like it to grow and build over time. Because the truth is, if if there's, you know, and I'm not saying there can never be a spark, I'm just not attached to, you know, someone's like, Oh, that's a really nice guy just don't spark with him. Well, how many times did you have conversation with him? How did you give him an opportunity to show you who he is to try to create a friendship, a connection, that's more what it is, for me, I'm more leaning into those things than if I feel this like elusive Spark, because that fades really quickly. And typically, if we're having some version of the spark, it's because were attracted to something about their physical energy, something about an unconscious energy, and sometimes it does happen. I'm not saying it never happens in a healthy way. I'm just saying, for me, it's it's not a no go for me. If I don't feel a spark the first couple times, sometimes I need some time to warm up to someone. I can become more and more attracted to someone over time. And I think ideally, that's probably the way it's supposed to be the physical attraction are those first attractions are usually so surface level, they don't know you at all. It's why I don't love when people like try to slide into the DMS, which I don't even read or comment or message me on my profiles with lots of like, compliments about my physical body. Well, you don't know me at all. So like, it's nice to say a nice thing. But like, if it's too much, I know, okay, you're just being attracted a physicality of me? Are you going to get to know me as a person. So those are the things that really are not important to me and the things that really are important to me. I'm going to tell you some boundaries that I personally have this time around with dating. So this is the longest I've been single in my life since I was like 12 years old, I've
either had someone or been, you know, trying to connect with someone chasing someone being chased by someone. This is the longest I've been single I've been single since I think like September of 2020, August of 2020. Right and right in there. And I've been dating for probably a couple years, I took some time to myself, you know, obviously worked on myself healing all of that. And from past experience from teachers and wise people, mostly women, but some men out there in the ethers of the interwebs, who have put amazing content on YouTube. There are amazing books out there. There's a workbook that I recommend for anyone and everyone, whether you're dating or in a relationship or not. It is called. In the meantime, by IANA Van Zandt, you know, I've talked about her quite a bit. The book is In the meantime, and the companion workbook is living through the meantime, it really helps you dig down at your own patterns, the people you allow in your life, why where that stems from how to make healthier choices, how to love and respect ourselves more. I'm not doing the book justice, but so there's a lot of good information out there that has led me to create these boundaries plus my own intuition and personal experience. These boundaries are not going to be probably really popular either, but this is me and this is how I'm doing it. So the first boundary I want to share with you is no sex before commitment. Now, I'm not saying that there's no intimacy that there's no cuddling that there's no kisses that there's no affection like yes, that builds over time. I'm a slow build with that. But as spiritual people as highly sensitive people as empaths as energetically sensitive People, when we have sex with someone, we are bonding with them binding with them energetically in a different way. So that's one thing, you can agree or disagree with that it's fine. The other thing is energetically if we are like, if we are entertaining lots of just casual sexual partners, we're not creating that space. And that intention for a more serious, long term partner. Another piece of this is that I'm gonna say this, and I'm not I'm gonna say it messy, and it's probably going to be controversial. But here goes, the truth is, most men will sleep with a woman if the woman allows it, but if it's like too soon, or right away, or if they haven't built a level of respect for you, if they haven't had to work to a degree to be in that place with you, they will not commit to you. It's it's a different version of the, you know, milk for free, that we probably all heard when we were kids. But it's true. I've talked to many, many, many men in different positions and different stations of life and different levels of careers and different levels of fame. And I've had this confirmed by more men than I can count, that they will do things with you, but they will not respect you in the same way. And you know what the other piece of it is, I respect myself, and that's what works best for me. And this is my sacred vessel. And yeah, before I get myself in trouble, I'm just gonna leave it there. That's a boundary that I personally have, I encourage it for anyone who's dating, to not engage, you know, in like sex before, we're exclusive before we're committed before we're decided, yes, we're gonna move forward together, everyone's free to do what they want. I have no judgment about casual sex. I think if that's your intention, and those are the type of people you're looking for, and you're just looking to, like, have fun, and you know, that's your expression, then that's fine. But I'm just looking for something different. And my intention is different. So there you have it. Another boundary I have. It's this quote from Maya Angelou, that stays with me that I have learned my lesson on over and over and over, I'm sure you've all heard it. She has said many times when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Now, it gives you a little story here. I'm someone that we jokingly call the nutty professor. There was someone that I had gone on, I think we made it to like, three dates, four dates, I think this was the fourth date. This person was a very high level, like, Master's doctorate level professor at a very well respected, well known University in the maths and sciences that speaks around the world and is like, so intelligent that when I watched YouTube videos of his talks, I was like, I don't understand any of this math and science that's happening. So as I got to know, this person, they were very kind, they were very considerate. They made effort, they had a good, you know, they were conversational. There were some things that I was like, Okay, I feel like it's a little tough to converse with this person. And they're only talking about themselves. And they're not asking me about myself, but they were a little bit socially awkward. So I thought, like, Okay, well, maybe I'll just start sharing bits of things about myself or my work or whatever. That you know, during conversation, maybe they just are socially awkward, or maybe because they're so brilliant, you know, maybe they just engage differently. And I thought, let me just offer me just offer things and see if we can build conversation that way. I'm thinking of the final date. In particular, we went to a show like a Broadway show here in town, it's the there's a lovely theater, a couple of theaters walking distance from my place. So we met you know, outside, we walked to the theater. And where we got there a little bit early, and the way that the the Off Broadway theater is here, the Civic Center, is that you can have you know, cocktails before this person didn't drink but got me a cocktail, which was very nice. And I'm sipping my wine and we're chatting before the show. And and every time I would offer something about like, oh, yeah, I'm I have this meditation coming up, or I have this course coming up, or I'm thinking about creating this workshop or whatever, that wasn't all work stuff. But he would say, Oh, that's good, and then talk about himself again. Okay, this is not going in the way that I thought I'm having a very hard time like connecting with this person. So I already you know, and by this time, I was like, just not really feeling it and realizing, okay, maybe maybe we're not going to be a match, but he's really nice. So let's just enjoy the evening and I'm in the experience As as it's happening, so I can still enjoy the show. And you know, I still have a good time. It's a reasonably nice person, he's been kind to me. And then the show's over and we're walking home and we're crossing a street. It's nighttime by now, in downtown San Diego, some weekends, especially when it's warmer out there, lots of events. So we might have like a, like a Padres game, like a baseball game and a concert happening. And a couple shows happening and a big Broadway theater show like this. So lots of people might be coming out from shows ending at the same time. It's usually like pretty crowded people crossing streets and things like that, like I said, especially when it's warmer weather. I think this was like in the fall maybe. So it's still pretty warm here. So we're crossing in this crosswalk, we have the light, it was not a big deal. And there was someone that was trying to turn right around the corner and was just nudging into the crosswalk, not crazy. And this person was from a huge city that you definitely would have crazy drivers all the time. So this shouldn't have been an issue. So we're crossing. And this person, pounds on the hood of the car that's just pushing up on the crosswalk, start screaming violently, aggressively yelling at the driver, all kinds of expletives. And I hadn't even heard this person swear or curse to this point. And Justice rage came pouring out of them for about 90 seconds. And then as we finish crossing the crosswalk, I was like, are you okay? And I was like, Maybe we should just stop and take a breath. And he just was continuing to go on about how mad he was. And so that's what I mean, when I say when someone shows you who they are believe that he had been so buttoned up so restrained, so kind and like even a bit reserved, proper in the way he spoke all of that. And this rage just popped right out of him out of nowhere. And I was like, Oh, this is who this is in this person. And I've had rageful partners before. So once that little rage monster popped out, I was like, Okay, this confirms what I already thought this is not a match. And then you know, had text him later. Thank you for the evening. And I just, you know, good luck in your search, I think we're not a match. So when someone shows you who they are, believe them, you might not see it right off the bat. But you'll hear it in little droplets of things they say you'll see it in a quick situation like that. I've even had it where someone like went crazy on like a valet attendant or a
service person, like a staff member or a bartender or something like that. So when someone shows you believe those red flags, another boundary for me is the way I wrote it for myself is no pipe dream salesman. The way I say it to myself is if they wanted to be doing it, they would. Now this doesn't mean that someone has to have like achieved all their goals in life. No, I think goals and things that we're working on are wonderful things. What I mean by this is, if they're saying, oh, I want to take a vacation to a tropical place, right? Say they're saying I want to go to Jamaica? Do they have a an account that they're putting $5 a week in to go to Jamaica? Have they researched hotels in Jamaica? Are they like, what effort are they putting towards this? What are they doing that shows that this is what they want to be doing? Did they get their passport? Or? Like? Are they just talking about it? Or are they being about it? Right? I have on many occasions and I think this is true, guys, let me know if I'm on my own here. But I think this is true of lots of us that are sensitives empaths, like more spiritually inclined people. Because we like for me, I can see the potential in someone I can see the best in them, I can see thinking of one person in particular like that said they wanted to start their own business, they were fully capable of this. They they could you know, they had the skill level, they had the knowledge of their craft to do this business. They I even was helping them get like referrals for little jobs and things to start building their own business. And they didn't want to when when push came to shove, when it came down to the wire, they didn't want to do it. It was just something they like to talk about something they like to dream about. So when someone's talking about something to me, especially early on, I'm also evaluating for like, what are they doing to move themselves towards this goal? Or is this just something that they're just like talking about? And they've put no effort towards it in life at all? Like if if they're, you know, want to advance themselves in their career, and they're like, oh, yeah, I'm taking these classes like that's something right. But if it's just something they talk about, and they're in no action about. I just am not into it. What else? Okay, the He's Just Not That Into You rule. Do you guys remember that book? It came out? It was Greg Bernhardt and a woman. I think her name is Liz. I just can't remember it right now. It's a great book, I don't agree with everything that book says. But it the essence is, if a guy is into you, he will be pursuing you, he will be putting effort he will be showing up, he will be planning that next date he will be texting you and letting you know he's thinking about you. So if someone is not that level of effort, he's just not that into you. And it's okay. And I kind of assume that people are talking to more than one person at a time, especially early on in those first handful of dates. So that's fine. But are they putting effort towards me? Are they showing me not just telling me what are they showing me that they intend to pursue me and not in a love bombing unhealthy way? In a healthy way? Right? I want to make that distinction. Because I think for me anyway, in the past, it's been confusing. Another boundary or kind of like little I don't like the word rule. But a guideline I have for myself is to remember to feel and explore potential red flags. I don't just want to be aware of the red flag, I want to feel it and I want to explore it with that person, I want to ask them more questions. I want to, I want to like pull the thread, you know what I mean? I want to pick it up a little bit. I want to say like, what would you say your moderate? Like, tell me? What does that mean for you? In what areas? Would you consider yourself? Moderate? Politically, I want to know, I want clarity, right? Because I feel like as sensitives as empaths as highly sensitive people as intuitives. A lot of the time our nature is to want to get along to want to be peaceful to accept people, right? So if there is a red flag, I want to feel where do I feel in my body? So it's a gut feeling? Is this a nervousness that this person gives me? How many times for me, the answer is like, a lot of times, how many times in the past, have you dismissed a red flag only to look back later and be like, I freaking knew it early on, because I remember they said this. I have a dear friend the way she says it is in a conversation. The sentence just hangs lower in the air when someone's like lying, or when it's a red flag. And it's like why we remember two sentences out of a conversation that happened five years ago where like, you know what they said that or you know what they told off their mom, and I knew with them that they were at an aggressive person and didn't treat women well, or whatever it is. I feel like we've all had not just in romantic relationships and situations in our lives, we all had those situations of like, I knew that person gave me the creeps, or I knew, you know, so I don't want to look back and have any more like I knew it, I want to feel and explore them and not dismiss them in the moment, make a mental note for myself and dig more into them. Another thing that I my notes are kind of hilarious to me is why I keep laughing. The next thing that I wrote is the golden needle, which for me, the way I say it to people, especially like my clients is, I have fully accepted that I'm looking for a golden needle in a haystack. And there's a lot of hay out there. So I'm very aware that I'm looking for a specific type of person, that's a good match. For me, it doesn't mean we have to be exactly the same in all areas. I prefer that we not be but someone that I could be long term friends with an actual partner with that we are in alignment with our beliefs with our character qualities, right with things that are important to us. So I know not everybody's for me, I certainly I am not for everybody. Like I'm weird, and I'm okay about it. So I've just accepted that like not everybody's going to be for me great. The sooner that I figure out like I'm not for them, or we're not a match. Wonderful, bless you go on your way. Thanks for applying, whatever, whatever you want to say. But I really am looking for something special. And I'm not willing to I'm not willing to settle for less. I know what I know what I want, and I'm pretty happy. So to bring someone else in would be wonderful, but I'm fine as it is I fill my life with wonderful people and experiences. I love my work. I love my kids. So I'm good. I want someone who's going to add to my life, not someone who is going to do the opposite of that. So golden needle. Okay, one question I asked myself because I can get a little big picture with things I can tend to want to like I think we all do this like we want to look ahead and think like what's you know, what, could I see myself in the long term with this person which maybe I'm doing a little bit of like I was talking about with like the if they're on boats all the time, like, probably not for me. But do I want to continue getting to know this person? I believe in taking it slow, meaning you know, letting things unfold over time. I'm naturally getting to know them listening to them feeling the energy that they bring how? What's their attitude about life in general about things going on in the world about the restaurant? We're at how even if they don't like it, especially if they don't like it, how are they treating the server? Are they being rude? Are they being kind? So do I, in this date, like, and I do and date by date? In this day? And based on what I know about this person so far, do I want to continue getting to know them? That's it. It's not, do I see myself settling down with this person? What do I see a future with this person? No, it's do I want to continue getting to know this person, and then taking it slow and letting that happen? And as the other side of that coin for me, I don't entertain what I call placeholders. What is a placeholder, it's a person that you know, is not the right person, you know, is not your forever person. Maybe they're just like fun or silly or you like hanging out with them. You know, your date on dates with them. It's not like you're just friends, you know, you're on dates with them. But you know, they're definitely not your person. I cut them loose. I don't believe in just entertaining placeholders like that, because then I'm blocking the energy of the person that I am wanting to invite into my life ultimately. And the other thing is, would you want to pursue something serious with a partner that was just entertaining a bunch of random people that they had no intention of going forward with in a real and meaningful way? That's, that's character to me. That's like, let them know, you know what I don't I don't think we're I'm I love hanging out with you. I think you're really cool. But I, I don't think we're a match. Some extra things to consider. Now, these aren't necessarily like, I mean, ultimately, they probably are deal breakers. But these are just things that I'm also considering along the way and things that I encourage people that I'm coaching and working with to consider. Does that other person's communication style work with yours? Here's what I mean. I,
personally, I don't like when people message me after 10pm, that doesn't work. For me, I'm sleeping, I need a specific amount of rest to like, be strong for my readings. That's the way I vibe. That's the way my schedule works. And if they're on a schedule, in their life that's different than that, that's fine. Like if they stay up till three in the morning, and that's when they're at their best doing their work. Like that's totally fine. Don't text me at 2am. That's just not, that's not work for me. Another example that I'm thinking of is there was this one guy he was I went on a few again, three dates, I usually know by the second date, and if I'm going on a third date, if I'm not like, Oh, I like this person, it's usually me just reconfirming double checking, making sure I'm not being judging from like an unhealed part of myself. But usually, I'm pretty certain by the end of the second date, or at least the next day after the second date, which we'll talk about in a second. This one person, he was really kind, he was nice. He was mild mannered, he was respectful. He was very clean cut, he was easy to talk with. He made the effort to plan the next date. He was courteous, like even in the locations he was picking, he tried to pick things that he thought I would enjoy experiencing based on our conversations. He was a nice guy. He didn't text me or call me or really speak to me at all between dates. So we had gone on dates, like once a week for like three weeks. I didn't hear from him, tweeting the dates. That didn't work. For me, I like to at least like, you know, at least text a little at least chat a little it doesn't have to be for me. I need someone that understands like, if I'm in a session, I can't answer you, I'll answer you. When I'm done with my work. I don't distract myself in that way. I often, in a day that I'm doing like readings back to back, I often won't, unless it's an emergency, check my phone between readings because I need to focus on what I'm doing. The same goes for a lot of careers, right? It's not exclusive to mediums and sensitives. So I need someone who understands that but I also don't want someone who ghosts in between dates and like I don't hear from them at all. They're traveling for work. That's one thing, but so that leads me to my next point. Do they honor your requests? You know, we're all different, right? There's no perfect people. It's, we all have different styles of doing things. But with the same guy that I was thinking of I had said, you know, I would love to hear from you a little bit through the week. Like let's try texting a little bit through the week. He just didn't like phone calls or whatever, fine. Let's try texting a little through the week. I really I really liked staying in touch with you between our dates. And so I tried that a couple times and and I even would like message him and it'd be like radio silence. Cuz I was like, Okay, I'll take the initiative. I'll send the first like, hey, hope you're having a good day. And it would be just like Thanks, you too, and no effort to engage. So do they honor your requests? If you make a request, like, for example, you're going on a date, and you're like, oh, yeah, by the way, I'm vegan. So it'd be great if we could go places that also have like, either some sides that could work for me or like a part of like a menu, a menu option, I was vegan for a long time back in the day, a menu option that would work for me. And if they're continuously taking you to like steak houses, then they're not honoring your request. They're not making an effort to meet you halfway or honor your request or, like respect what's important to you? Right? So are they honoring your requests? And the other thing is, does their lifestyle work with yours? And I'll tell you another story here. Like I said, we don't all have to have the same hobbies. I don't expect someone to be a spiritual practitioner. If I'm going to date them. I probably would prefer it if they weren't if they had more of like a muggle job like a like a typical type job, then what I do, I'm fine with that. And actually, I prefer it. So it's great if we have different hobbies, different interests. That is totally fine. I had a funny little name for this person. Oh, I called them the tie dye groupie. Okay, so does their lifestyle work with yours? I recently had a few dates with someone who again, nice person, like we're just and it's okay, that everybody's different, right? It's okay, that there's different people, it's just evaluating for people who are a fit for me or not. And this person had a career that was in the music industry, they were like an executive more on the equipment side, if that makes sense without going too far into it. So they had a love of music, right? It was part of their career. They also had a love for the Grateful Dead. So they consider themselves what they call a deadhead. Which is fine, it's fine to have different interests, like I said, but this person was into this band, in an extreme way, like almost like a religion, like multiple times a week, seeing cover bands, traveling to see cover bands talked about it nonstop, more or less only wears like tight eyes and tennis shoes, which is fine. Like, that's their vibe. That's cool. That's totally fine. And on probably our third, third date, maybe I had, you know, I have some boundaries around like my schedule, if I have to do readings, the next day, I don't typically go out and this person wanted me to go to a show of a Grateful Dead cover band. And I'm also not into that music. It's fine. It's wonderful music, I'm sure it's just not my it's not my favorite. And they're actually really judgy of people who like similar bands to that that aren't that bad. So it's like a whole weird thing. But like, to the extreme, like, consumes probably 75% of their life. And I said, you know, I would love to meet you for dinner before the show. But I've got readings tomorrow, I can't, I can't be out late, I want to be in bed by 10. Because I need I just need I don't function on not sleep. That's just who I am as a person. And I was really proud of myself I'm making that boundary, a past version of me would have just tried to be a people pleaser, and when anyway, so we're on this date the dates nice. You know, it's fine. It's we're talking just fine. And I had made a comment something like, yeah, I would definitely go to some shows with you. I think, you know, I can, I think it's fun to do lots of experiences, even though it's not really the kind of music I'm into, I could still have a good time, I could still be a good sport, I could still like, go for just the experience and have a good time with you and your friends. And I was like, and I'm sure there's some things that I like to do that maybe aren't your top of the list that you could like, come along and we could just have fun at each other's experiences, right? Because that's what you do with friends. So it became apparent we had met for like a short date like a quick, quick coffee date after that, and it just became apparent on that date that just like it it wasn't he was very oppositional like everything I said he was disagreeing with he was a bit argumentative. He was a bit like to be quite honest. No at all ish is the word I would use. And at the end of the day, you know, we'd text later I was like, let me know when you get home safely because I still care about people and he's not a bad person. He's just not the person for me. And I just said you know, I think I think you're a great guy. I just feel like you need someone who is in the in the community of deadheads people who love the Grateful Dead because that was really I mean truly, it's really what he wanted me to be and I just wasn't and he kindly also like very kind wish you the best kindly were replied back to me something I'm paraphrasing, but something to the effect of, yeah, I knew what wasn't going to work when you said that you would come to my concerts that I like and have a good time. And you would expect me to go to things that that maybe weren't my favorite and I was supposed to, you know, just have a good time with you. I just knew it wouldn't work. So basically saying, like, yeah, you're gonna have to come to all my stuff, and you're going to have to like it. And I'm not going to anything except Grateful Dead stuff. Just like, okay, that just confirmed for me my intuition that like, this was not going to be the person for me wish him well, he's a kind person. Just not the person for me. Right. So does their lifestyle work with yours? Or? Yeah, it doesn't work with yours, like I said, doesn't mean we have to like the same things. But does that's their life's if they have a lifestyle, like, and I'm also not in that party lifestyle. I don't. Oh, yeah, I'll leave it there. Because I wanted to get specific, but I'm not going to I just am not in that lifestyle. And that lifestyle doesn't really work with my lifestyle. And if we can't cooperate and like all come, you know, even if someone was like, played a sport that I don't love, I'll still go cheer them on and cheer for them at the end of the race and take pictures of them wearing their marathon number, but like, do I need to be in the marathon because if that's the case, like that's lifestyle is not going to work for me. So same thing. Okay. Moving on to these are my tips for you some do's and don'ts, tips for looking at people's profiles, those first conversations, and even tipping into the first date some do's and don'ts for you.
This is an online dating tip. Don't uh, don't, don't use the best picture of you in your profile.
What do I mean by this, no filters, no touch ups. No, absolutely no bikini type pictures. This is how I, this is how I do it. Again, you're free to do whatever you want. But think about the intention of what you're attracting and what you're putting out there. I don't put the best, I don't put bad pictures on myself. They're decent pictures, they look like me. They're current, they're just not the pictures that I'm like, Oh, I really liked this picture of myself. This like the best picture of me, I don't put those pictures. And I put pictures where I'm like, modestly dressed. Because I don't want that kind of attention just based on my appearance. I'm pretty clear in my profile about what I'm looking for. And I will have people that are the opposite of that, that I can tell saw the picture and just liked because of the picture and didn't read anything about me or like what I'm looking for at all, because we're so clearly not a match based on like what I wrote or what they wrote. And that's even with not the best picture. So you don't, I mean, maybe you do want but if you don't want to attract someone that's only looking at you for your looks, and that is going to have an expectation of like how you are to look or what they expect of your appearance. It doesn't mean like I said, Don't you want to put bad pictures yourself. But no bikini pictures, modest Lee dressed pictures, nice pictures, not filtered pictures not touched up pictures. I always think of it like this i A girlfriend of mine. And I know someone that like heavily edits every single picture of themselves to where they look like a different person. They don't even look like the sister of the person that they actually are. They look so different. It hurt my feelings. So much of every date I went on, they were like, oh, and made like a disappointed face or like you don't look like your pictures. And I'm aware from you know, males that I've talked to and over the years that a lot of people don't look like their pictures. Would you rather have someone get there in person in a date and be like, Oh my gosh, you look just like your pictures or you look even prettier in person or so that's, that's why don't put the best picture of yourself. No filters, no touch ups, no bikini pictures of any type. Okay. Don't agree to something that makes you feel really uncomfortable or unsafe. So the way I wrote it is like, okay, there is a date that I had many years ago in LA and this person, you know, again, was showing me who they were. They were really trying to look for a very specific la type girl. Something a lot of people don't know about me is I work live with a condition that my body is always trying to heal called ulcerative colitis, which means I have a lot of tummy stuff. I have specific dietary things that I can and can't have. And if I if my body goes into like a flare up, it's not pleasant and it can last several weeks and so I really try to keep my tummy my my intestines, my colitis, calm, right. And this person kept insisting that they really wanted to go on and it was the first second date I remember very clearly it's how I know it was a red flag. They really wanted me to do this like Hot Yoga like the like, really, really hot yoga, I would have died. And I also have some breathing stuff. So I was trying to explain to them like, Listen, this not for me, I don't want to do hot yoga, I'm not into yoga, they just were looking for a very la model. And that's what I looked like at the time, who like was into hot yoga and what they were essentially trying to replicate what I discovered an ex of theirs, which wasn't me and I wasn't going to let this person pressure the people pleaser side of me and to go out on this damn hot yoga second date. That doesn't sound sexy. It doesn't sound fun. If that's what you're into. God bless you go on the second day to hot yoga but not for me. Right? How do you look cute and do 120 degree hot yoga with colitis? I don't know about how that works. not sexy at all. Not cute, right? Not not a good look. So don't agree to something that makes you feel really uncomfortable or unsafe. You don't have to do that. Respect yourself more than that. Give yourself permission. It's something I've worked on really hard over the years. That's why I'm throwing it out there. My third dump for you is don't lead with sexy. Do lead with classy, right? It doesn't mean don't present yourself at your best. Like yeah, put yourself together in a way that makes you feel good in the way that makes you feel comfortable. I do hair and makeup I dress cute if I'm going to go on a date, but I don't lead with sexy with like sex appeal. I'm trying to get them to see how sexy I am. Because that's not who I'm looking for. I'm not looking for someone who only values me as a sex symbol in their life. I've had it, I've done it. It's not fun on the other end of it. It's not fun when you get sick. It's not fun when you you know have a baby and gain weight. It's not fun for being a normal human. So don't lead with sexy lead with the vibrant, charismatic personality that you are. If you're shy, be shy if you're outgoing and funny, be funny. If you love to tell stories do that if you're sporty, go on a sporty date. But don't lead with sexy in a way that's going to objectify you because you're defining for them who you are, how you are to be treated, what you are looking for. And if that's not what it is don't lead with that. It's not it's it's it only leads down a bad road. Okay, let's go to the do's because those are fun to do. Be yourself from the first conversation. Like if you're a medium if you're a mom with kiddos at home, share it. Now, I want to put a little caution on this. I do not mean trauma bonding share appropriately for the amount of time for like the amount of dates that you know this person Brene Brown has an example that she used to give a long time ago I don't know she still gives it about a marble jar. And it was a conversation I'm gonna paraphrase. But if you search Brene Brown marble jar, you can find the story I'm sure online because she's said it publicly many times. That's how I know it. She talks about having to help her daughter when she's a kiddo understand, like building trust with friends, right? And as we're dating, we're making friends. That should be the first layer. And sorry, I thought it was smell on my candlelit look and check it. So it's essentially like every act of trust that this person builds with you whether it's keeping their word, whether it's showing up on time, whether it's being respectful. It's like one marble in the jar in the friendship jar, don't share a trauma or a story or something private about yourself that is not warranted by the number of marbles that they have put in your jar. If this is a first date, don't bear all your trauma to them. They haven't earned the right to know that and if they are bearing all their trauma to you. And this happens to us a lot as highly sensitive people as intuitive as empaths. That's why I'm sharing it with you. That's a red flag. That means they are trauma dumping on you. They are either consciously or unconsciously trying to make a trauma bond with you. That is not what you want. So do just be yourself from the first conversation. People often ask me, like, How soon do you tell people you're a medium when you first start talking to them? It's usually in the first conversation if it doesn't come up in the first conversation. It's definitely on the first date. It's like within the first and the way I do it is all message with someone if if I'm interested in someone or if I meet them in public and they like get my number or something. I will message with them a little I like to have a conversation once we have a conversation and I feel good about going on a like a in person date with them. I guess I would have a zoom date to I just haven't I didn't date during that period. So that I feel comfortable to like have a dinner with them or whatever I would be telling them within that first conversation when we're talking about like, Oh, what do you do? Oh, I own a small wellness business. Oh, what does that mean? I will tell them I'm a medium right away, I tell them. Some people will say like, Are you afraid that's gonna scare them off? Well, I if it does, like I'd rather know, at the first date or before the first date that this is something that's not for them. That's okay. We can be different. And I can be like I said, I know I'm there. I'm not for most people. That's okay. I'm looking for a specific, specific thing, right? And I'm okay if if it's not me. I want them to know, right? This is a big part of my life. This is the work I do in the world. This is the work I do in my office every day. I mean, I want I teach the science course you guys know, I teach programs about energy healing, and connecting deeply with our intuition. And I do group readings, and this is my life. This is my life's work. This is what's important to me. It's, it's inextricable, like I can't extract my work as a medium and my spirituality from who I am. And I don't even want to. So it's the other reason why if someone is like hyper religious, probably weren't going to be a match.
So I am right out with it pretty quick. In the conversation. I actually there was a gentleman who I had one conversation with, again, we match through the app, he says he seemed nice enough. So I was like, Okay, I'll have a conversation with him. In the first conversation, he was asking me, we're talking about work. And he asked me what I do. And again, right out with it, oh, I'm a medium it means. I was like, I know, it sounds weird. I can connect with people who have already crossed over this, you know, and sometimes they'll have questions, which is fine. And this person said, Oh, I lost my son a few years ago. Actually, that's what led to my divorce. I've actually, you know, have you worked with this group? Have you worked with that group for bereaved parents? And I said, No, I haven't worked with that group. But I've worked with this group. It's amazing work. I'm so glad that there was a medium that came in and worked with your group, like how wonderful for you. And we had talked about planning a date, and then I never heard from him again, which is okay, because what likely happened, what my intuition told me happened was that it was so triggering for him. Because he was still, of course, a parent that loses a child is always in the grieving process, right? But it triggered something for him in his grieving process, knowing that I was a medium that just sent him in a different direction. And that was fine. It was a lovely conversation. He was a kind person, no harm, no foul. I'm not for everybody. So do be yourself right out the gate. If you have food restrictions, or if you're like I said, if you're a vegan, or you do, I don't think the raw diets a thing anymore. But back in the day, if you did the raw diet, like say it right away, why be miserable, or pretend you're someone you're not even for one date, like, don't put yourself through that you want to be letting someone get to know the real, you at least is the phase I'm at in my life. I'm 46. So maybe that's it. But like, I don't want to try to be to pretend to be someone that you're going to like so that you can like me, so that then I can slowly leak out the truth about myself? No, this is who I am. This is you know, and doesn't mean you have to like for example, when I said like, if you're a mom with kids at home, say it, it doesn't mean you have to give information about your kids. It's just that that is a huge part of your life that is incredibly important to you. That's a big time commitment that this person is going to have to respect if they're someone who wants to consume all your time and doesn't want you to have attention for anyone else. Like let's know what sooner than later right? So okay, be yourself right out the gate. That is I think best best practice right? Do be yourself right from the first conversation. Do. My second do for you is Do ask lots of open questions, and listen and observe. I wrote that in capital, listen and observe with your mind, your body and your intuition. It's okay to take notes. I sometimes will take notes and conversations with people. And it's okay to continue to process the conversation afterwards. What I wrote next to this is I mean you people pleaser. Because as empaths as intuitives as a lot of us are people pleasers or reforming, or recovering people pleasers. For me anyway, I can get so immersed in a conversation and an experience. I'm right there with that person. I'm vibing with what they're saying. I'm probably feeling and sensing them energetically. I sometimes need to after that date makes sometimes I'll make notes sometimes they won't about what they said process some things that they said and be like wait a minute, they said this that's that's out of integrity with what I want or they were talking about really just not wanting to settle down and wanting to move to, I don't know Timbuktu or wanting to move to Japan and I definitely can't move i That's not what I want for my life at all. So, for me, because I'm a recovering people pleaser, because I'm an empath, and an intuitive, I can kind of be very appeasing and really want to get along in a conversation. And I'm not always processing it as I would be, like, as dating this person do? Do I feel like I want to keep getting to know them in a romantic way. So do ask a lot of open questions. And when you're asking, which means like, not a yes or no question, like, how do you feel about XYZ? How do you feel about I don't know, whatever topics are important to you, or that you feel like would give you some clues into their character? And it's not an interview, but it's getting to learn more about them getting to hear their stories, getting to hear what's important to them, where do they see themselves in five years? What are they? You know, I don't usually ask it in this way, but like, what healing and personal development work have they done on themselves? Are they continuing to do personal development or learning or growth in some way in some area of their life? And if you ask it in a way that it's not a yes or no question, an open ended question, right? Like, we all know what that is now. And you're not only listening to the words that they say, but you're observing with your mind like are they watching the watching the short skirt and girl go by as they're saying it like observe? Where do you feel it in your bodies? Is something in your body triggering or lighting up? Do you get a stomachache when they're talking about? You know, maybe this is where they, they're talking about their ex and the way that they're talking about their exes giving you a stomachache. Observe with your mind, your body and your intuition. Sometimes when someone is talking to us, especially like I said, as highly sensitives as empaths as intuitive, a lot of you that listen to this are psychic even if you don't like that word. We are discerning with our non physical senses additional information. Our auric field, if you listen to the last solo episode is receiving information as we spend time with this person. Don't discount that information. It might not seem logical. It might not seem like oh, well, they didn't say that. But why do I feel this? If you feel like they're being dishonest, ask more questions. Oh, I noticed you said this. But like also you said this, like what are you? Can you clarify like, What do you mean? I'm so curious. But don't say it in an interrogating way. Say it in a curious way? Because you're curious. So be really, like I said, listening and observing with your mind with your body with your intuition. It's okay to take notes. And it's okay to keep processing afterwards. Because sometimes it's afterwards when we mentally like review the conversation, and maybe you have like one, like my best friend is my literal life coach all the time. Like, she's my big sister. She's one of my soulmates in this life. And I will review things with her and as I'm telling the story, I'm like, oh, wait a minute. Like he said this. I don't I don't think I like that. But I didn't in that moment. It didn't trigger an emotion in me and later reviewing it, it does. That again, is just it's just who I am as an empath. It's I tend to be nurturing I tend to be supportive unless someone saying something blatantly offensive in a conversation. Like I said about the story with a gross civil rights attorney. I in that moment, I kind of froze and didn't wasn't as mad as I was later. Do you know what I mean? So as sensitives a lot of times we need to review and process and take a little bit more time with what we felt what we saw how they behaved, other things that we saw them doing or other ways we saw them behaving. Okay, I'm gonna move on to the final do of my do's and don'ts list for you. Do live your full best life in the meantime, like right now continue to grow and as if you're dating or not dating, maybe you're just like, courting new friends, right? Maybe you're adding new friends to your to the garden of your life. Do you notice your own behavior? Are there old patterns springing up? Do you notice yourself displaying people pleasing behaviors? Do you notice yourself trying to gloss over something that really your intuition is like waving red flags and jumping up and down about and you're to be like, if you grew up in a in a time in a culture and a part of society that requires you to be polite, that requires you to be buttoned up in a certain way. be evaluating that within yourself. That's part of your growth. Sometimes people trigger us sometimes people highlight old patterns. It's why would that nutty professor As soon as he flipped out aggressively, way too big for the situation, I was like, Oh, I know what this is. Because in the past, I've been attracted to that thinking, oh, this person is going to be protective of me. And 100% of the time, more than one occasion, several occasions with several different people. Actually, it turned on me. And then they became a bully to me a bully in my life. So be aware of your past patterns where you've grown, where you're still growing. Is there like a comment someone makes to you, and later you're processing it. And you're like, you know what, I didn't like that comment. Oh, this is a past version of me that was nervous and didn't address it, or didn't speak up for myself. I'm going to keep working on that, right. But be living your best life, be cultivating the garden of your friendships, I pour a lot of my love and time and attention into the friends that I have. I have my best friend who is like, at this point, almost lifelong. We've been friends since I was 19. But I also have some other friends and so does she. And I really love these other ladies in my life. And I really cultivate and make plans with them and spend time with them and text them when they don't feel good and check in on them. And I am so fulfilled by these relationships. Yes, I
still am excited to have a partner again at some point, but I'm not desperate for it. I'm not saying oh, I can't go to that. I just went to Trevor Noah comedy recently with a girlfriend of mine. She loves comedy, I love comedy we plan to date. go on dates with your friends, go on dates with yourself. Treat yourself to things. You are amazing. And you deserve to be experiencing life to be vibrant to you laughing to be having fun, it doesn't mean that you don't hold the space open in your heart in your life, for potential partners in the future. But don't put your life on hold for it. The truth is, it's why most people attract a partner when they're not looking because they're happy. It's so much more attractive to be happy and vibrant and living your life and not just like sitting home twiddling your thumbs waiting for someone to take you to the museum. Take yourself, go with a friend. Join a group a club, right that wants to go be putting yourself in experiences, situations. be creating and cultivating the life that you want for yourself. You deserve that do live it, like live your best life to the best of your ability. And I'm not talking about in a financial means way. There have been times where I've been flat broke, I used to do a thing with my kids where I would spend like $4 on a couple pastries. And I would put a blanket in the living room and we'd watch a old VHS tape and we'd have a picnic in the living room. And those are some wonderful memories. So be doing things with other people you love and care about be cultivating friendships, be enjoying your life not waiting and being sad and alone till a partner comes live your best life now you deserve it. You are amazing. And be continuing to nurture yourself, nourish yourself grow take classes, most of you know like I taught myself to knit in the fall like I just was like Alright, I'm gonna learn this. I just felt like it and I I kind of believe we can learn mostly anything on YouTube. But you know, what are you doing for yourself, don't just be waiting for someone else to show up and do it for you. It's it's your you're blocking your blessings. It doesn't work that way. So that I know was a little long winded. This is a long episode. Those are the things I'm doing those are the boundaries I have. Those are essentially in a nutshell, what's important to me that I'm looking for what's not important to me that I care a lot less about some extra things to consider some things to know about yourself some tips and do's and don'ts for profiles and such. And I'm curious what's working for you if you're dating or what's not working for you that you were like, You know what I realized I keep picking different versions of the same personality archetype and that's not working for me. And now here's what I'm gonna do. That's essentially what I'm doing and I just wanted to share it with you. So if you liked this extra personal share with these nutty stories, please let me know. You can email me joy at joyful medium.com You can call the spirit speakeasy hotline, which I have a number for right here my little notes it's Area code 305-928-5683 Area code 305928 Love ello ve 305-928-5683 I'd love to hear your feedback about any of the episodes anything you want to hear about in episodes and also if you have any spirit stories, I always love to hear those. So I am wishing you love and fulfill and happiness in your life right now big hugs lots of love bye for now from inside Spirit Speakeasy.