Everything Matters

9 - Keeping Your Kids For the Holidays

• The Homebrew Network • Season 1 • Episode 9

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What do the holidays, stolen taxidermy, and baloney-fueled experiments have in common? They're all on the agenda in our latest podcast episode. We're thrilled to welcome back Dr. Daniel Leeds, our esteemed head researcher, who'll be sharing his insights. Join us as we kick off the holiday season!

Thanks to Emily Foulger (Vera Noir) for lending us their beautiful voice.  


About The Show
Everything Matters is a Comedy Horror Podcast published every Tuesday. Join Micheal Taur and Dale Dallas as they broadcast the planet's most popular programme to the Tri Town area.

Be sure to follow or subscribe to the show on your preferred podcast provider. It's easier for you to stay up to date and helps us greatly! If you're enjoying the show, please leave us a review. Reviews and sharing with your friends is the best way to show your support.

Disclaimer: Everything Matters IS ENTIRELY satirical, and the people and places in Everything Matters are fiction. Do not try ANYTHING from the broadcast in real life. None of this is real.

Website: everythingmatterspod.com
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Everything Matters is a part of the Homebrew Podcast Network
Written and Hosted by Grant Mielke and Cody Smith

Speaker 1:

Alright, well, I think this looks pretty good. I'm ready to go.

Speaker 2:

I hope so. I lost a lot of time last attempt on this. Well, I mean, do you want to go first, or should I. Oh, honors all yours, dale. Alright, I sacrifice. I sacrifice.

Speaker 1:

I sacrifice, I sacrifice, I sacrifice, I sacrifice, I sacrifice, I sacrifice.

Speaker 2:

I sacrifice. How do we know if it worked?

Speaker 1:

Well, I mean, I guess we'll just have to go check on the sacrifice, I mean the volunteers there.

Speaker 2:

Ok, let's go. Oh well, that's the red light, so let's do our show first, dale. Yeah, show first. Good morning, tritown. I'm Michael Tore Goddale, dallas, and this is Everything Matters. Good morning, tritown. Glad to be back. There's a chill in the air. Krampus growls deep in the forest as he begins to awaken. Everyone is gathering trinkets and offerings to bestow upon their loved and unloved ones. Before long, marie stew meat monoliths will be on the shelves of your local grocer. I can't wait to slice into that beautiful, delicious block this year. Any plans for the holiday this year, dale?

Speaker 1:

Well, it's my first Yule alone, I think, since the untimely demise of my wife. I was thinking about having one of those friends misgatherings this year. What do you think?

Speaker 2:

I think Todd would love that. Todd, uh, a special news bulletin for you all. Today, the Tritown Neighborhood Watch reports that the evidence warehouse on Second Street in Threadington has been broken into or potentially broken out of. The Neighborhood Watch spent many hours gathering up all the evidence of unauthorized taxidermy following this most recent blackout a couple months ago. Over 300 animals and at least 20 humanoids were reported, gathered and documented. The Neighborhood Watch has no leads on the perpetrator and now, in this most recent development, all of the evidence has gone missing Inexplicably. The warehouse where the evidence was stored was still locked and there was no damage to any of the entrance points, and yet all the taxidermy has gone missing. If you have any information on this shocking crime, please contact the Neighborhood Watch immediately.

Speaker 1:

And with that it's time for the Tritown Bolton Board, brought to you by Theodore Schmunkins' Meatballs.

Speaker 2:

As you likely already know, hundreds of Tritown residents were without power after the failures at the Cox Energy Power Plant. Work crews reported the rock-solid, thick Cox wiring was nearly impossible to work on and there is still no estimation for what time the outage will be resolved. Rumors of a class-action lawsuit have sprung up. While many residents deal with life without power, the Tritown Community Center is open for residents who need access to heat and water.

Speaker 1:

Sounds like we might be getting a new Dollar General soon. We can only hope, dale. If you want healthy plans, some people say you should talk to them. If you want delicious cheese, try playing them. Hip hop music. If you want the best baloney, you better pop some popcorn, because researchers in Pine Ridge have conducted an experiment to determine how video affects the microorganisms that give meat its taste.

Speaker 1:

This fall experiment Baloney at the Cinema was conducted in various local theaters. 15-pound baloney logs were placed in each theater and each log was played a different genre of film, such as horror, comedy, action and even romance. One log was used as a control and was not permitted to watch any films. The balonis were exposed to films for 16 hours a day, giving them each 8 hours of sleep. When the meat was produced, it was made sure everything was from the same farmers and was produced in one vat to ensure the logs were as uniform as possible.

Speaker 1:

Once the balonis matured, they were analyzed by professional food technologists, who concluded that the logs exposed to films had a milder flavor compared to the control log. The group also determined that the horror baloni had a significantly stronger aroma and was saltier compared to the other samples tasted. A panel of chefs, politicians and mothers also sampled the baloni from each log and, in a blind taste test, they all agreed that the baloni that was played romance was sweeter than the rest. The next goal Creating a super baloni by allowing them to watch several different types of films in hopes of truly maximizing the flavor.

Speaker 2:

You know I was on that panel, dale, and I have to say I found the control log to be the tastiest. Really, that's strange. Many homes have reported they discovered large targets were painted on their home, many of these targets only visible from the air. If you have a target painted on your home, please call to the Tritown City Council helpline by dialing 221 and first select I'd like to report a strange occurrence from the available props, then my home from the next menu, non-emergency from the next menu, corporal from the next menu and then yes, from the final menu. Thanks for your stewardship, tritown.

Speaker 1:

I haven't noticed any large bullseyes on my home, mike, but I haven't checked from the air. Why would someone pay $120,000 for a can of worms? All it takes is the right artist to put it together. Amavis Davis' infamous can of worms has reportedly sold for just that much. The worms exhibited at the Garlax Art Gallery in Moothaven are not sculptures, but real live worms. Surprisingly, the piece sold for just $120,000, which is a real bargain, considering there is another piece by the same artist that just sold for $150,000. The art piece is named the Can of Worms and, according to the artist, the worms represent global trade and the name is a planned word with the humorous twist. However, it's hard to find the humor in a can of worms that cost $120,000.

Speaker 2:

You know I have a few of those in my home. Dale Amavis Davis' pieces no dollars. Public Service Announcement Please stop shooting your guns into Nessie Lake. Incidents of residents shooting Nessie Lake have been reported. Save your ammunition and keep the piece. There's no reason to shoot your gun into Nessie Lake, says this statement from the Tritown City Council. I don't know about you, dale, but I believe them.

Speaker 1:

I can't think of any good reason to shoot my gun into Nessie Lake. I've never seen anything suspicious in there, not once Same here. For years, the abandoned buildings your Thornfield Drive have loomed over downtown Thredington. They're towering masses devoid of life, but not for much longer. The decrepit art deco buildings have been marked for demolition early next year and the city is giving you the chance to personally bring it all down.

Speaker 1:

We are selling unique experiences, from watching the buildings explode to buying souvenir bricks, including pushing the button itself says Heritage Auctions, an independent auction house hired by the city here to collect bins for the planned destructions. This will be done remotely and can be done anywhere in the city or as close to the plaza as you'd like to get. In response to the critics, the city had this to say we acknowledge that this location holds a significant place in Thredington's history, with many of its most iconic moments having taken place here. But in demolishing this site we will honor its legacy while also creating new and exciting memories for the people of Triton. Earlier this month, strong winds ripped off parts of the crumbling facade and sent them tumbling to the ground below, striking two local men. Demolition work began early this year and now City Council hopes to finish it off with a bang.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I grabbed myself one of the heavy construction equipment experiences. With any luck, I'll get to swing a wrecking ball myself. That sounds like a real blast. This has been the Triton Bulletin Board brought to you by Theodore Schmumpkin's Meatballs, now in cube form. Go ahead, play with your food. Theodore Schmumpkin's Meatballs Meat Cubes are a fun twist on a family favorite. In the shadows of a city draped in secrets, there's one woman who dares uncover the truth. A dame with eyes as sharp as her whip and a heart that seen its share of hurt. A big heart that falls easily but drives her to seek justice in a world that looks the other way. This is Veranoir Private Eye.

Speaker 4:

Lorraine was a serenade, a haunting backdrop to the drama unfolding. Before me, there stood the pudgy piece of… a fella. His presence of striking juxtaposition to the sleek, sharp lines of the city's alleys. I don't know how long I stared. I realized I was spending more time undressing him in my head than trying to work out whatever nonsense he'd just spewed. You, her keeper. I'd rolled the words, barely hiding my voice's quiver. I adjusted the brim of my hat, letting the shadow conceal my eyes. No, he rumbled, his voice smoothed like a whiskey aged to perfection. I'm her husband. You're looking for trouble Trouble. It was my middle name.

Speaker 4:

My gaze shifted back to where Lila was standing, but she had disappeared. I thought for a moment I should head after her, but who knows if I'd ever find this man again. And clues needed stripped Bear, they needed closely inspected with all five senses. That's what I'm here for. I can chase broads through the rain some other day, probably Thursday. I marked it down in my notebook to tentatively plan to chase women through the rain on Thursday, just looking for answers. I replied.

Speaker 4:

Finally, the man chuckled and shook his head. He didn't answer. A real husband's. Worried about her, I confessed. Prodding further, his expression softened, the harsh city lights casting a halo on his rounded edges. She's not missing. Why don't you come over? We can chat. I'll explain.

Speaker 4:

I should have declined, but curiosity was a vixen, I couldn't resist. Lead the way, I said the interior of his apartment was a wreck. More beer cans than a fraternity house recycling bin. Dishes looked like they hadn't been washed for weeks. He had two couches. They didn't match.

Speaker 4:

I paused for a moment. Dirty couches are a weakness of mine, one of my greatest weaknesses. I felt the heat well, all the way up to my ears. No brim of any hat was going to hide the sweat on my brow. Now how could this fella have known? Was this a trap To the missing and misunderstood?

Speaker 4:

I heard him say, and I turned to see him pop the tab on a cheap beer, white can, red ribbon. He slurped the bubbles off the top before handing it to me. I cautiously reached out to touch it and it was warm. That settled it. Out came the heater, a cold M1911. He stared me down, hand outstretched, our eyes locked. Don't give me those puppy dog eyes, it won't work, I said. I pulled back the hammer to show I meant business. What's wrong? He said finally, stop Vera, think. Calm down. Eyes are up there. Don't let that beautiful bulge and perfect hooch distract you. The couches, mismatched and dirty, could have been a coincidence, but my favorite brand of warm beer, on top of that, opened exactly the way I like it the only person who knows that much about me. Wait a second.

Speaker 4:

That was about the extent of my thought process when whether it was pure instinct or luck, I'm not sure, but I hit the floorboards just in time, the apartment erupting with wood splinter and shattering glass. I heard the sound of a Tommy gun outside. I covered my head and waited it out. After the full clip was emptied into that little apartment, I jumped up and headed to the window hoping to get a shot off before whoever was out there reloaded. But I didn't get that shot off. First thing I saw out that window, lila, a beautiful creature, was standing there with a cigarette in one hand and the other on the shoulder of someone I unfortunately recognized, someone who, in that moment, I couldn't bring myself to put down, despite all the lead and shattered glass around me. I had him. I had him dead to rights, but I hesitated. What kind of setup is this? I muttered to myself.

Speaker 1:

That was a riveting episode of Veer Noir Private Eye. Who was that joker? What's Lila up to? Will Vera get to keep her Thursday plans? I can't wait to hear the next chapter, but for now it's time for another segment of Taking Safety Seriously with Tritown's head researcher, Dr Daniel Leeds how you doing there, doc.

Speaker 2:

Uh, thanks for having me, dale. I'm doing quite well, glad to hear it, doc.

Speaker 1:

Hey, a quick follow-up question before we dive into this next episode. What are you supposed to do if you think perhaps you well won, if one did not like someone else did not follow proper mirror safety protocols and they think there might have been some sort of problem? Someone else thinks there might have been some sort of problem. Listeners have asked, and I'm asking for a friend who is a listener.

Speaker 2:

Um. Your listener friend should call the Tritown City Council immediately and self-report obviously.

Speaker 1:

Oh right, I mean, but surely there's some sort of home remedy or treatment.

Speaker 2:

No, no, not that I know. You should get professional help as quickly as possible, immediately.

Speaker 1:

Alright. Well, that's an interesting suggestion from oh, is it?

Speaker 2:

Dale, it's not a suggestion, it's absolutely something.

Speaker 3:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Speaker 1:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Understood Well, doc. Let's get on with this week's segment here.

Speaker 2:

Alright, got a little holiday music here for you just one moment, alright. Well, to celebrate the holiday season, I am pulling out a Yule Time favorite, article 703-1287. Keeping your children over the holidays.

Speaker 1:

That's a great one, doc, a real favorite of mine. It's a classic. So how do the good people in Triton keep their children this year?

Speaker 2:

Oh, there are a variety of great methods for people to get through the holidays with minimal child loss. We've really come a long way in our understanding of how children disappear over the holidays and how to prevent it. Of course, the safest method is signing your kids up for a Chimney Kids Playhouse vacation. The Chimney Kids Playhouse can always use your children to take part in the exciting tradition of keeping Triton heated through the snowfall. Tours are only six years, so you'll have your child back in no time, and the Chimney Kids Playhouse has a shocking 95% child retention rate, meaning that it is by far the best way to ensure your child does not go missing.

Speaker 1:

Help the community and keep track of your children. What a deal, it sure is Dale.

Speaker 2:

Now, this isn't an option for everyone, depending on the size, stamina, lung capacity and age of the child, so there are some other ways to keep your children through the holidays. Um, this is a personal favorite here.

Speaker 1:

I'm really excited to hear about it, Doc.

Speaker 2:

Well, children love holiday tradition, especially fun little rituals that can be like little games for the holidays. You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, right Dale, Of course, who has. Well, let me tell you about Child in the Closet.

Speaker 1:

Sounds like a real good time for the bunch kids.

Speaker 2:

It is indeed, believe it or not, one of the most common holiday traditions stems from this very problem. You've heard of stocking stuffers. Yes, of course. Right. Well, the etymological origin of stocking stuffer is stock room stuffing.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I see, Thanks for the education here.

Speaker 2:

Doc Right, this tradition stuffing children in a stock room to keep them over the holidays has been updated to a more modern Child in the Closet, which is a more festive spin on the old practice. You can decorate your closet with all sorts of fun ornaments, maybe even some snacks and treats. Make it extra special by adding some colorful lights, which will make your Christmas-themed closet safe and festive. I love it, doc. Speaking of lights, the next method is yet another ancient Yule tradition Cover your home in bright lights from all angles for the duration of the snowfall. You can, of course, make these colorful, but the important part is to make sure absolutely no shadows touch your home. I mean, that's just good sense, of course, but it's especially important for people who want to keep their children for the holidays. You could add motion-activated alarms for extra protection. It will keep your children from being lured away and do double duty by ensuring nothing can get close enough to your home to snatch them.

Speaker 1:

So hold up, Doc. You're saying that putting lights out is another holiday tradition that's rooted in ancient child-keeping tactics.

Speaker 2:

I am. In fact, almost all holiday tradition can be tracked back to that very simple question how do I keep my children for the holidays? I didn't know that, doc. That's remarkable. For instance, yule could be a difficult time, obviously, to keep your children, but specifically on December 25th it tends to be the apex of celebration for some. Tritonis Lights, closets, alarms all of these things can be ineffectual on this day when the Yule energy seems to peak, but a great way to alleviate the pressure on your home security is a simple act of leaving out a tray of brightly colored edible biscuits in a manner that's easily accessible. Most commonly, one would do this in their sitting room.

Speaker 1:

Well, I love.

Speaker 2:

Christmas cookies, doc, as do I, but these cookies are for business, not for pleasure.

Speaker 1:

Alright, I think I got it. This is those cookies.

Speaker 2:

We've found, for whatever reason, that homes that leave out these brightly colored edible object cookies, as you called them have a much higher rate of child retention Sounds an awful lot like a sacrifice, if you ask me. Oh, technically it's an offering. But very astute Dale, we've been doing extensive sacrifice testing this year, hopefully expanding on our understanding of keeping your children over the holidays.

Speaker 1:

Well, Dak, that's about all the time we have for today. Any parting advice?

Speaker 2:

Uh, no, thank you, dale, for having me Just remember. None of these safety measures are perfect, but with some attention and doing them all together, they can be fairly effective.

Speaker 1:

Gives me some hope, for sure, dak.

Speaker 2:

Oh, just remember. I hope it goes without saying, I know it's obvious, so please excuse my nagging, but please, everyone remember, do not approach the nativity scene in front of the Tritown City Council chambers. Do not make any eye contact with any of the nativity figures. Honestly, just avoid the chambers all together for the remainder of Yule if you're able to, but under no circumstance should anyone approach the nativity scene in front of the Tritown City Council.

Speaker 1:

Well, of course, dak, I think that goes without saying, but reminders are always good. Well, folks, that was Taking Safety Seriously with Dr Daniel Leeds, and that's all for our show this week.

Speaker 2:

That's right. Thank you, dale and Dr Daniel Leeds. This has been Everything Matters. Thank you for listening. We'll see you soon and remember it's all real, it all matters and it never ends. Now a parting word from Intern Todd.

Speaker 3:

Thanks for listening to Everything Matters. This is Intern Todd. Everything Matters is a part of the Homebrew Network. If you're listening from the 21st century, you could really help us grow by leaving us a review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. The algorithm god hungers greatly and saving him can be a full time job, so leave us a review on Spotify and Apple. If you leave a review as a resident of Tritown, without breaking the fourth wall, Dale and Mike might read your review on the show. Just make sure you don't, you know, give anything away that you're from the 21st century or that could really, you know, break Mike and Dale's minds. Yeah, Links are at EverythingMattersPodcom. If you're listening from the 22nd and 24th century, you can review us on Musknet in exchange for one kudo. 25th to 29th century please get off the Internet immediately. Using the Internet poses a public safety hazard. All other centuries call 1-800-MATTERS if it is safe to do so. So again, that's EverythingMattersPodcom.

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Grant Mielke

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