Why We Stayed Together: A Journey of Young Love, Baggage, and Growth | The Story of Our 16-Year Marriage

In this heartfelt episode, Lindsey and Britt celebrate their 16th wedding anniversary and reflect on their journey of love and commitment.

They share stories from the early days of their relationship, including how they found love over a mixed CD. However, they also acknowledge that they lacked the tools for a conscious relationship and struggled with communication and personal growth.
They did not know the importance of communication, accountability, and personal growth, and they found themselves navigating the complexities of marriage without a solid foundation.

Despite the challenges, they express gratitude for their journey and emphasize the importance of commitment and understanding in staying together. Throughout the episode, Lindsey and Britt express their deep love and appreciation for each other, highlighting the joy and evolution their relationship continues to bring.

If you're interested in the dynamics of lasting love and relationships, this episode offers relatable anecdotes and valuable insights.

Want to know our three steps for staying connected and conscious in partnership?
Get the guide here!

Join Lindsey and Britt as they take you on a rollercoaster of emotions, laughter, and reflection, leaving you feeling inspired and hopeful for your own journey of love.

Touching Into Creativity: a 2 hour online workshop to re-awaken your creative essence from within. Join Lindsey on October 19th for this live workshop — you’ll learn how to connect with your felt sense, get curious and open to the creative flow. 

This workshop is for you if you’ve always wanted to be creative but didn’t think you could be OR you have a creative project that you want more ease and freedom around.
 
Spots are limited so snag yours today and get ready to feel your creative flow.

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Transcript

Lindsey: 1:20

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Can We Start Over podcast. My name is Lindsay. And my name is Brit. And this is the sensual edition. I stole your joke. Now you say it. This is

Britt: 1:33

our third take, so. I made a lot of jokes on those other takes, real good ones that we're not using.

Lindsey: 1:40

And then I stole them. And then she stole the worst one. I stole the worst one. And now I think it's funny because I said it.

Britt: 1:51

That's kind of been her thing lately, stealing my lines.

Lindsey: 1:53

Really? Oh shit. I'm sorry.

Britt: 1:56

That's okay. You'll find your own shit soon.

Lindsey: 2:01

Well, maybe not. Maybe not. It's been long enough. Yeah. That's kind of what we talk about today, is that we've been married a long time. We've

Britt: 2:11

been stealing each other's shit for 18 years

Lindsey: 2:14

now. Yeah, we're coming in hot right in the intro with a lot of S bombs. F bombs and sensuality. F bombs. No more, we need to chill. Should we start over?

Britt: 2:26

Calm it down. No, no, this is good. This is real life 101. This

Lindsey: 2:30

is good, but really. Shout out Julian.

Britt: 2:34

It's my cousin's tv show, Real Life 101. Why?

Lindsey: 2:38

Why? I don't know. Oh, I do have a question. Is there anything else you want to shout out at the beginning? Do you

Britt: 2:47

want to shout out anything else? I want to shout out love, I want to shout out freedom, I want to shout out that dude from CNC Music Factory. I think his name is Freedom or America

Lindsey: 2:57

or something. I think his name is Freedom.

Britt: 3:00

Um, I would like to, to shoot out, uh, Pepsi Cola.

Lindsey: 3:04

Don't say shootout

Britt: 3:07

We should mention we just put our kids to bed and by this time I'm asleep in bed with Falling asleep

Lindsey: 3:16

because I'm a tired little boy. I did almost fall asleep in there with the boys and I had this like sort of vision of Mud and my foot was gonna slip in it and then it had had that feeling of like slipping in a dream Oh, did you jerk? Yeah, and then I was like, oh I need to get up. Yeah But it was I've never experienced it like that. It's always something Yeah, so mud. One

Britt: 3:42

time that happened to me and, uh, we were laying in bed and I said, uh, dog food doesn't taste good or something like that. Do you remember that? No. Yeah, I woke myself up by talking about how the dog food didn't taste good. Yeah.

Lindsey: 3:56

That is so funny.

Britt: 3:57

It was really weird. Yeah, so this is, uh, Tired Us edition.

Lindsey: 4:02

Yeah, and I need to tell you something unrelated to the podcast. Remember when I said the thing I wanted to see was a clown? Yeah. Well, I was just reading a book to the boys and there was a clown.

Britt: 4:13

What do you know? Kid's book had a clown

Lindsey: 4:15

in it. There you go guys, that's proof. Lindsay

Britt: 4:17

was

Lindsey: 4:17

manifesting a clown that the universe is listening to you. It happened. Because of a clown. This episode that you have probably turned off because it's too bonkers bananas is all about our relationship. This is our 16th anniversary this week. And so we wanted to talk about Why we've stayed together just to shed some light on what it's like to be married a long time and Really? I think what's interesting about it to me is that we didn't have a conscious Relationship we didn't have good communication We didn't have awareness of each other really on a deep level and then we like worked through our own Stuff and then we did so it's In defense of staying together. Yeah,

Britt: 5:10

there were, there were multiple times, even a few times I forgot about until we started recording this episode, where we could have called it quits.

Lindsey: 5:18

Yeah, yeah. I mean, not like in big ways where we're like, yeah, this is it, but in ways where it was like, oh. Like, it could have slipped away from us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm glad it didn't. So that's why we're having this episode. It's about starting over in our own relationship. And we talked about it a little bit, but this was like us really wanting to get into the times that were hard and the times that we look back and think, Oh, we could have done that way differently. And also how it's all just perfect. And it all happened exactly the way it should have. Absolutely. Yeah. And you know what, Brett, I love you. Oh, and I'm glad that you stuck around with me through all my deep. Healing, unaware, whatever ness, you really gave me some chances. And I'm glad you kept me around. Yeah, thank you. And I appreciate you now more than ever. And I have more fun with you now because you're cooler. That's not true. Hashtag neck gang.

Britt: 6:33

You'll, you'll catch that in

Lindsey: 6:34

the episode. And even though we're old farts and we've been married 16 years, it just keeps getting more fun and I like can't wait to see what we do next.

Britt: 6:46

Oh, well, thanks for keeping me around and keeping me laughing. For so many years. I love you. I also just wanted to let y'all know that we talked about miscarriage Around minute 28 to minute 36. So if that's a sensitive subject for you, feel free to just skip right past it We love

Lindsey: 7:04

you before we get into the show. I want to talk to all my creative friends out there and as Pam grout says Are you breathing? Because if you are, you're creative. But maybe you feel like you're stuck in a rut, or maybe you struggle to find some flow with your creativity, and maybe you're sick of that, because you know there's something in there that wants to be born, and you're just sitting on it. Waiting for the perfect time, but the perfect time is now because I'm hosting a workshop on October 19th called Touching Into Creativity. In this workshop, we're going to do some somatic movement, some inner inquiry. Some automatic writing and some source connection to dissolve all those blocks that you have to your creativity. So you can get back into flow. It's an intimate workshop. It's two hours long. You'll be in community with other creative, amazing people, and it's going to be fun. So connect to your joy, connect to your creativity, and then actually Show up to your creative essence. It's on October 19th. Find the details in the show notes. And book your spot because the spaces are limited. Alright, well let's get

Britt: 8:26

into today's

Lindsey: 8:27

episode. Here's the show.

Britt: 8:31

We're here today to talk about our

Lindsey: 8:33

relationship. Yeah. Hooray. I know you've all been wondering. You've all been wondering.

Britt: 8:39

When will they talk about their relationship? They're always just talking about other

Lindsey: 8:42

things. When are they going to get into the sexy stuff? The bedtime? The feathers? Well, if you're here for that, you should leave. DM us later. And if you're not here for that, don't worry, because we're not going to hear to talk about feathers. It's our anniversary. We got married 16 years ago, that's why we're doing this episode. Brett's already forgotten. That's the whole point of this episode.

Britt: 9:09

Oh,

9:09

yeah.

Lindsey: 9:11

And, yeah, we've been married 16 years, as the time you hear this roundabout. We could just call it 16 years, and that's a long time. We wanted to do an episode about why we've stayed together for so long, what it looks like to be in a relationship where you've been married for 16 years and been together for 18 years. And we're only 57, y'all. Just kidding, and no shame to anyone that is 57. We're 40 years old, we got married pretty young, and... We've done a lot of cool stuff together but really in the last few years is kind of when our relationship like took this Really cool turn. So we thought it was cool to talk about like how that happened because it's really easy to get Stuck in a rut when you're in a relationship and it is so so super easy to Blame the other person in the relationship for why it sometimes doesn't feel good And when I say that, I'm not talking about anybody that's experiencing any abuse or like there's lots of actual relationships that need to end but our experience was there was a lot of times when we probably could have thrown in the towel and said, fuck this, we don't want to do it anymore because that would have been easier than actually being accountable for how we were showing up. Absolutely. So that's what we're here to talk about today. Beautiful way to put it. Feathers. Or not. I don't know. Feathers be damned. What is this feather thing? What do you do with a feather? I was just imagining like tickling you with a feather and then you being like, like, you know, some kind of foreplay thing. Are you 57?

Britt: 10:53

No shame to

Lindsey: 10:53

57 year olds. I am 57. I, I'm, I'm very into kink right now. I got those like furry, fake handcuffs. This is making me so uncomfortable.

Britt: 11:05

Uh, we're on a cruise

Lindsey: 11:07

right now. We're on a cruise right now. We do have feathers. We do have, Furry handcuffs, and we are 57, and my name is Gladys, and your name is Ron, and we are here to open up our relationship. So the first thing we want to talk about is just tell the story of how we met, got married, and all that fun stuff.

Britt: 11:28

We met in 2005, I believe. I think so. When I moved to the town of Fort Worth, Texas. Uh, Lindsey and I are both from suburbs of Fort Worth, but at this time we were both living in the big bad city. It's weird to say that now, it's not that big of a

Lindsey: 11:43

city, it's just a regular city. I also have no idea what this has to do with anything. Hey Brit, uh, let's pull up the Wikipedia for Fort Worth. These people want to know the details of Fort Worth and the surrounding, the outlying areas. Can you please?

Britt: 11:56

Alright, okay, so we met in a place at a time. It's not important. You can say where it is. It was 16 years ago. No, it was 18 18 years ago? It was 18 years ago. We met, and I guess we liked each other.

Lindsey: 12:14

I mean, yeah, gosh, thinking about 18 years ago when we met, I think we met just like how everyone, well, I don't know. It's different for everybody. I think we met when we met. I was at a time when I was like, being single is awesome. I'm going to do my own thing. And so I was like feeling good. I was feeling alive, happy to be alive. 22 or whatever. What about you?

Britt: 12:40

That's fantastic. I was at a point where I was like, I want a girlfriend. Oh, God. Gotta go out and find a girlfriend. Oh, God.

Lindsey: 12:48

And I got sucked in. Probably.

Britt: 12:50

I don't know. I think that's how I felt. I don't know. Really? Probably. What a weird way to feel. I Like, I gotta get a

Lindsey: 12:57

girlfriend, man. Are you admitting to me right now that you just sucked me in because I was the next girl around? The next, yeah. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Um... Okay, so when we met, yeah, I was like, oh, he's nice, he's cute, he's funny. And also, personally, I was just like, I'm here to do my thang thang. I'm having fun being whatever I was with friends. And I wanted to reel her in. I wanted to reel her in. Let's tell that story. So I,

Britt: 13:28

yeah, I met her and it was cool. And I liked her a lot. And so I, uh, made a mix CD for her. I don't know if any of you know.

Lindsey: 13:35

Just tell the story. You don't have to. It's a

Britt: 13:37

mix CD. And I just carried it around with me for like a few months. Hoping that I would see her. It was in my bag. I had a bike bag. So it wasn't like I put it in my pocket. It probably wasn't like throwing something in your purse. I was like, next time I see her I'm gonna give her this. So finally I see her and I was like, Hey, I made you this CD. She goes, what is this, your stupid fucking band?

Lindsey: 14:02

Which is funny to think about, me nagging you like a pickup artist, because... I'm sorry. Well, It worked. But I was just ribbing you. And that's what I do with people I like. I rib them. I'm like, hey, is this your stupid fucking band? And what I remember about that is that you said, oh, I've just, I made, I'm giving this CD to everybody. I just think this band is so awesome.

Britt: 14:28

Yeah. Well, it was three people.

Lindsey: 14:30

So. You were one of them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So did you like make a list of like, I got to give it to this person, this person and this person? And that's really sweet because you just weren't on my radar like that, like, I'll make you a CD. Yeah, well, I'm

Britt: 14:45

glad I got there. You got

Lindsey: 14:46

there. And then, when we first exchanged phone, when you first got my phone number, we'd already known each other for like, five months just randomly seeing each other around the part of the town where the young people see each other. And then we were at the chat room and we went to a party down the street and we were like having so much fun and we were laughing and we were joking and it was like obvious that there was like this little spark and then you asked for my phone number. And that was like, for me, that was like the moment of like, Oh, like we're like, something's happening here. Oh, that's great. Do you not remember that? No, I do remember that. Okay. And at the time I was still like, let's keep this very casual. Mm.

Britt: 15:27

Fast forward

Lindsey: 15:28

to two months later. Fast forward to two months later. We went on some, we went on some dates. We kept it casual. Fast forward to two months later. We went to... a bike jousting party. Again, it's a thing young people do when they're young. And what happened?

Britt: 15:43

We decided we were going to get married two months into it. Probably not at that party, but that was, that was

Lindsey: 15:50

pretty much, well, it was something happened at that party. Like, I think everyone knows the feeling when you're like, Oh, this is a relationship. And so then we were like, are we boyfriend girlfriend? We, whatever, had that talk in a way that I don't remember, but wasn't that corny. And then, do you remember? I don't remember. Okay. Um, but we were just like, yeah, we like each other. We love each other. I mean, I think we could get married. And then we just had a relationship until we did get married. Mm-hmm. two years later. And that was kind of, it seems young now, but also it made sense. Then. I don't know why

Britt: 16:32

should we rename this episode? Why

Lindsey: 16:34

so, why the fuck did we get married? I don't mean, I don't know why I do. I guess I just was like, oh, I wanna marry this person. That's what the, I mean, I don't know why, because it wasn't like it. Here's what I don't know. It wasn't before like, I wasn't the kind of person that was like, I'm going to get married and I'm looking for this and I want, you know, like this, I want a husband, none of that at all. So that's what I mean when I say it doesn't make sense because looking back, I'm like, Oh, we were young. We could have done a lot of things, but we got into this relationship and we were having so much fun. And we were in love and it was fun and great and awesome and joyful. And so it was like, oh, yes, of course we're going to get married. Then how did it progress? How did it progress? The reason why it's important to know that we got married young and why we got married as people who at then, at that point, identified as we just like to have fun, we're young, and we're like going full force young, having fun, is that we had no idea. Any of the things that are required for a conscious relationship. True. Right? Yeah. And when, before we were married, it was like... We were just like swept up in the fun of it all. And then after we got married, it, it kind of was like, Oh, we're married. Nothing's different. But this is, you know, it's like, this is forever question mark without the like foundation and the skills to communicate, to be accountable, to be better, like to take care of ourselves. There was just like not that foundation. I had no idea you were supposed to do any of that shit. True. What about you?

Britt: 18:22

Absolutely the same. Especially, especially the communication part. I was not a good communicator. I still feel like I'm working on that. But, uh, it's most important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a relationship with a partner.

Lindsey: 18:34

Right. So, when we got, I think that's another reason why it's important to say, we got, why we got married a long time ago, and in the early 2000s, maybe when a lot of people were listening, that are listening were, I don't know, four, or who knows, maybe 57, that like healing and Personal development, all this stuff that's like such a hot button issue right now were like non existent in our world. Right. Maybe it was happening in LA and probably in a lot of places that, but it was just a different world without like access to people that you weren't face to face with.

Britt: 19:12

And there wasn't social media. We weren't on email lists. You know, we didn't have a community of people that were. Mindful of those

Lindsey: 19:19

things. Right, right, right. So it was just like not in our awareness at all. We had no awareness of it. So without awareness, you, we, I mean, I just kind of like went into this relationship thinking like you're either, you're happy and it's a good relationship or you're not happy and that means it's a bad relationship. And that's not true.

Britt: 19:40

And I should, I should add that neither of us had families that modeled a good

Lindsey: 19:46

relationship. For sure. My personal experience was coming from like heavy dysfunction and like real resentment for each other. Same. And so, we have all this baggage. We're young. We live in the pre social media era or like, well, it's not really pre because there was MySpace and there was Facebook, but not the way it is now for our experience. So those three things, I mean, we kind of just went through marriage for a few years. Just kind of stagnant and really focused on work. What do you want to say about that?

Britt: 20:27

We did. We were completely focused on work and fun, and that was it. Yeah. There was no self maintenance. Right, right. Or

Lindsey: 20:34

relationship maintenance. Yeah, it was like there was two buckets. There was like the money bucket, which comes from work, and it has to, and all of these, oh my gosh, it has to be hard work, and it has to be a lot of work to fill up the money bucket. And then the fun bucket kind of became the same thing. It's like. To feel good, you have to fill up this fun bucket and the fun has to be like heavy and hard, just like the work, right? That's wild, wild. And I did, and none of this is conscious. Like, so we're both operating in this, you can call it a partnership. And it was a partnership because we like, you know, we still had fun together. We. Paid bills. We did all the things, but without awareness of each other. So really like kind of running side by side, almost. There was just no, and there was no like intimacy on the level of like the inner being, you know, there's physical intimacy, but we were never like talking about like, what's your dream? Never. What do you need? Yeah. Like, what do you need? Yeah. Or like. Here's what I'm feeling. Like we never did that. Yeah. We're having

Britt: 21:50

goals. How do we get to this point in

Lindsey: 21:53

anything? And right. Yeah. Yeah. So it was just very much like in the cycle of work party or whatever. Rinse, repeat.

Britt: 22:03

Yeah. And I'm sure this is very common and this was probably the first time we could have just

Lindsey: 22:10

called it quits. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause there was definitely times when I was like that was a time when for me, I was heavy. on Brit is this, Brit does this and, you know, like this recurring story was that Brit is doing something to make me unhappy, which is such fucking bullshit again, because it's not like you're, you're not like abusing me or anything. And it was just my perception and my lack of communication of my own needs and my lack of being accountable for how I'm showing up. What about you? Same.

Britt: 22:49

Yeah. We did not communicate well our wants or needs. And how can you be with somebody and not completely be with somebody? Yeah,

Lindsey: 23:00

yeah, yeah, yeah. On every level. Right. You know? Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so we did that for a while. We just kind of like went through the motions. And

Britt: 24:31

uh, all through this building our businesses too. Yeah. So I think that kind of became the main thing was. Keeping these businesses running well and Lindsey is a perfectionist. Would you say that? I guess.

Lindsey: 24:45

I mean, I also think I'm like so sloppy too, so it's hard to be like, I'm a perfectionist when I stink and my hair's dirty right now, but there are a lot of things that I want done right. Exactly.

Britt: 25:01

So I, I think, and I was just trying to make my businesses exist, right? And so between all of that, also while working for Lindsay, too, at the restaurant, which is another time we could have... Called

Lindsey: 25:16

it quits. Right, yeah, because that was really hard. It's hard to be in a stressful situation with no healthy outlet and your partner is a part of it who also has no healthy outlet.

Britt: 25:30

And then we're just both having the same problems, the same interactions with the same people, but still not helping each other work that through that. Yeah,

Lindsey: 25:40

yeah. We're just kind of clinging on. And that's, so that's the thing of like being in constant, um, reactivity and like your nervous system constantly being activated is like you don't have bandwidth for anybody else. So when you're in that, when like, when it's all about business or it's all about whatever, you're not going to have the bandwidth for your partnership, especially if you don't have the bandwidth to even take care of yourself, you know, and then self care was this like weird, I don't even know what I thought self care was buying. A piece of clothing and getting a pedicure. What did you think self care was

26:22

at

Britt: 26:22

the time? Buying a guitar and, uh, drinking with my friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lindsey: 26:28

And friends are the best. Friends can be self care. But friends are self care. Community is self care. But, yeah, it was self care. Yeah, yeah, yes.

Britt: 26:35

Yes. Not taking care of my

Lindsey: 26:37

problems. Forgetting my problems. Right. Like, disassociating from the reality is like, that's self care. I'm really caring for myself. I could be doing anything else. I'm talking about me. I'm talking about both of us. Yeah. But we just kind of did that for a while and I'm not even saying that it was bad or wrong. We just didn't know. And there, you're right, there were times, that's not like we really ever like, we need to get divorced or like, we're going to separate. But it was just never to this level of like, like something deeper. If now looking back, you can see that that was missing because if it hadn't been missing. then we wouldn't have been needing to like forget our problems. Yeah. We'd be on Mars right now or something. Yeah, exactly.

Britt: 27:24

Wow. Think of, think of people that are just getting together after knowing these things, you know, like that sounds amazing.

Lindsey: 27:31

It's amazing. Starting a healthy relationship. Also, you have to be like everything, like the way to look at life is to say Everything that happened to me, past, present, is right. Yeah. And like, there is a reason that I am here with all of these experiences, and hopefully, I have the courage to use them.

Britt: 27:58

We were each other's lessons, and we still

Lindsey: 28:00

stuck through that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And really, it's our own, you know, that's the thing is it has less my lesson. There was me having resentment towards you was bullshit because the as much as I judge my partner is as much as I'm judging myself as much as I have negative thoughts or opinions about my partner. It's just as much as I'm like negative self talking myself. We're just looking for a way to like get it out. And so that's what we're, that's what people are doing all the time in relationship. And then also just being like, look at this asshole in line with this. Purple shirt. Purple shirt. Purple shirt wearing motherfucker.

Britt: 28:50

I've had that thought. Not specifically purple, but, shirt, but just like, yeah, God. Yeah. Think of how much that says about you when you're just like, Sitting there squinting your eyes at some guy in line for

Lindsey: 29:04

no fucking good reason. Right. And I think even the pur the like, purpose and the lesson there is just to be like, Look at me doing that. And not be like, Oh no, no, I need to like, you know, reprimand it out of myself. Anyway, we were married.

Britt: 29:21

So this goes on for 10 years?

Lindsey: 29:25

I don't think, no, uh, like eight years, seven years, seven years. Then we were like, uh, we're almost, we're 30. Let's start trying to have a baby. And also we're like. Really going over seven years where we did have so many fun adventures together. We did so many awesome things together. It was hard to run a business and we fucking did it. And there was so much fun and so many times where we're like, life is amazing. So we don't, I don't want anyone to think that we just for seven years we're like slogging through it. No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't there was that. And we definitely didn't have self care, but man, we had some, we had mostly. Amazing times,

Britt: 30:05

right? But also didn't know what we were missing,

Lindsey: 30:09

right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And our relationship wasn't something that we like consciously cultivated at all beyond let's go on a trip, right? And you need that. So that's important. Seven years in, we say, let's start trying to have a baby. And we do. Again, end of story podcast over. But we, yeah,

Britt: 30:32

we did that and we went through some hard times with that too. We had a few miscarriages and I think for me, that's when I started becoming aware of Lindsay's

Lindsey: 30:44

needs. Oh, yeah. Tell me more about that.

Britt: 30:48

Uh, well that's a very emotional time and I think you and I, since, I think we hit our emotions a lot. Yeah. I think maybe that's just something in our families, hide your emotions. And, so, I don't think I was ever aware of your emotions as much. But when something like that goes down... It's

Lindsey: 31:10

just like spilling out. Yeah,

Britt: 31:12

it's just spilling out. And it's like, wow. I don't know how to comfort her. I don't, I don't know how to show up right now. And then it's all like, oh my gosh, what have I been doing? In this whole relationship.

Lindsey: 31:25

Right, right.

Britt: 31:27

now. Am I seeing

Lindsey: 31:34

that? Now that it's messy, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And even, yeah, there was, man, so much came up for me during that time where there was like, that was definitely a first, I think, you start over a million times and there's this, there, but you know there's those times in life where there's like a, like a, things click and you know something's shifting. And first, first miscarriage we had, It like brought up this old trauma for me and then I was like I'm gonna go to therapy and so I was like doing a lot of clearing even though there was still like a basement underneath that needed to be cleared, but it just shows the it shows the truth that like. I needed that experience. Like even think of a miscarriage, which is so hard for so many people, but it's just a clearing. It's like your body's just like clearing some shit out that is not going to work. And if we could culturally like shift our perspective. around that and hold space for grieving while still being like, let it be okay. Anyway, that it, it allowed me to like, go into my emotions and to start doing some inner work while also still kind of being like, Okay, now I need to like, get the baby. Okay, I had a miscarriage, got that out of the way, and, and I'm healing, and I was, I mean, I was like doing some work at that time, but on this mindset, and, and only people that have tried to have a baby know what this feels like. Where you're like, it is your fucking soul focus, can be, where you're like, When am I ovulating? How many times are we going to do it in that window? And like, just checking, checking, checking, and it's so consuming. And it sucks. Yeah, when it

Britt: 33:30

becomes a job. Yeah. That takes a toll on a relationship for sure. Yeah, and that's exactly... Trying to make a baby does not, it becomes not fun when it's... Like a chore and you're having to do it when you're not happy about it. You're just like

Lindsey: 33:46

trying to make it happen. Right. Yeah. And you haven't really even, I mean, I was like holding space for the grief of the first miscarriage, but you're not really if you're like, and now let's do it again. And like, I remember my midwife being like, Well, y'all can like start trying again, I don't know, like in, in a few weeks and now I'm like, God, that's like, like, take a break, you know, take a breath. Anyway, we did start trying pretty soon after we had a second miscarriage and I, that's another, it's one of those moments that I remember. It was like I was holding on to hope for so long and there was this moment before I knew when I knew and I was like, I'm so fucking done with this. I was honestly relieved not to have a miscarriage, but to know because that waiting time of you're pregnant, is it going to be viable? And just like feels like you're gripping on to the like side of. And

Britt: 34:47

soon after that we had a, what we thought was a third miscarriage, but it was like a false positive. Oh, I don't even remember that. I think you shut out, we both probably shut out a lot from that time, but there was a third time when we were pretty sure we were going to have a miscarriage and it turned out to be a false positive.

Lindsey: 35:05

Really? Yeah. Are you sure about that? What

Britt: 35:07

happened? We ended up going to the doctor and they were like, yeah, that's a false positive.

Lindsey: 35:12

I don't remember that at all.

Britt: 35:14

That's how you block out trauma.

Lindsey: 35:18

But that was another, that was a turning point when I was like, I'm fucking done trying to have a baby. This is nonsense. I'm going to keep working on myself and now I can see how I then went way into like, Taking care of myself may be a little too extreme. Definitely not enough taking care of the relationship at that point. Would you say that's true or? Yeah, I'd say that's true. But I was feeling good and I was still in therapy. I was taking really great care of my body and I was not trying to have a baby for like the first time in a year. And I was feeling amazing. Taking care of

Britt: 35:57

yourself is the best way to take care of other people too. That's true. I know we say that a lot, but it's

Lindsey: 36:03

true. That is true. That is true. And, like, checking in, though, makes a big difference. I was taking care of myself, but I mean, again, I just didn't know that you should be like, We were also having, that was a good year, once we like got that second miscarriage out of the way and then it was like the freedom of not trying to have a baby, which again is the hardest thing and I know there's people hearing this that might are in that situation right now or that have been there and man it fucking sucks, it sucks, when it's not happening, it can suck, maybe you're loving it, I don't know, then We had like, yeah, we had six months, eight months of just like, again, great time, taking care of ourselves, doing our thing, and we got pregnant.

Britt: 36:56

Then we went in. Maybe, I, honestly, I was kind of expecting another miscarriage at that point. Oh really?

Lindsey: 37:03

Yeah, we went in. It was, wait, we took a big break from trying and then we were like, okay, we'll, we'll try this month. Is that what happened? Something like that. This is way more about, it feels like it's way more about fertility than it is our relationship, but it's a big deal to have kids, y'all. Yeah. Anyway, we started trying again, but with this, like, very loose, like, let's have fun, let's swim in the lake, let's whatever. Yeah, and

Britt: 37:28

I think going into it, waiting for the doctor to come back in, we were both kind of expected, or we were prepared if there was going to be another miscarriage. Yeah. But instead, she said, you know what? There's two heartbeats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were both a little amazed, but I, I also felt a little reserved. I couldn't completely. Oh, really? Yeah. Enjoy that. Cause I was like, uh, I was kind of shielding myself from

Lindsey: 37:55

disappointment. Yeah. You know, what's so weird thinking about that, looking back at that time is how little trust I had for my own inner knowing. I knew I was pregnant. I knew that it was going to be fine. And I even knew, like, oh yeah, it's twins. Okay. That make, that tracks. Like, all of those things weren't like, whoa! Nothing blew the doors off for me, but I kept myself in a state of fear because even though I was like taking care of my body and going to therapy, I still wasn't working on like my nervous system or taking care of my like, full being health in a larger way. So I like kept myself in this state of fear of like, well, what if they don't? What if it wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't? And anyway, we had two kids at the same time. They're called twins. Ever heard of it?

Britt: 38:50

It was great. And the kids were perfect.

Lindsey: 38:52

Yeah, well they were in the NICU. That was stressful. Yeah, it was very stressful.

Britt: 38:56

Yeah.

Lindsey: 38:56

So there was a lot more stress. Yeah, I, it's weird because I didn't track, another thing, I didn't track the whole birth experience as traumatic until like two years later. When I was like, oh, that was insane. Um, of course it's a wonderful magical experience, but then we ended up, you know, having a c section. They had to be in the NICU for two weeks and three weeks. Both of those things are unexpected, yeah. Unexpected, and those are big, that's a big deal. Especially if you just gave birth and then you're like, go home, go to the hospital, go home, go to the hospital, go home. And you're like doing this back and forth thing. I must say

Britt: 39:34

that I was very impressed by when we first started at the birthing center. Late at night, it was getting pretty late, it was in the middle, I think a tornado ended up coming through Fort Worth that night. Crazy storms, and the midwife was like, You're not progressing, go home and sleep and then come back. And this was after being in labor for a while. So we're on our way to go home, and then Lindsay has a feeling, Let's just go to the hospital. And at that point, that wasn't in our plan, but it felt right to both of us immediately. Like, let's go to the hospital. So we go to the hospital. Same thing, not progressing, but still in labor. And the next step was, hey, maybe we should, we should push this thing along with, what, Pitocin? Yeah. Is that what they use? I don't fucking know anymore. Which was also not in our plan, but we were like, okay, let's do it. It's time. Immediately we were like, yeah, that's fine. Keep going. And what, 24 hours later, maybe, still in labor. But not progressing. And the doctor says, well, one of the baby's heart rates is slowing down. Maybe we should do a C section. And we were both like, yeah, let's do that. Because we both knew, we were trusting the way it was going. It's so true. We knew right then that that was the right decision. There was no second guessing.

Lindsey: 40:52

And that really speaks to us together. When, when the shit goes down, we can know exactly what to do and not in a way of like, ah, let's panic. But just like, no, this is the right thing to do. And you're right. That's like a really, that's one of those moments where like, oh, we trusted ourselves because we could have been like, they said, go home. I don't know. Let's go home. But I was, I think you, I think you're downplaying your part in that too, because We weren't driving home yet. We were in the parking lot and we looked at each other and we were, or this is my memory. We said, we're not going home. Yeah. That sounds dumb.

Britt: 41:30

Yeah. There's,

Lindsey: 41:31

there will be no sleep. We didn't want to, but we wanted to leave there. Yeah. And I think we didn't say that to each other, but we knew it was time to leave there because we could have been like, no, we want to stay here and like spend the night at the birthing center. And they would have let us. But we were like, yeah, sure. Okay, we'll go. And then as soon as we got in the car, uh, we're like, fuck this. Go to the hospital. What is this? What? No, we're not going home. And again, people do that and no shame. And that wasn't our, we, that wasn't our path because it couldn't be because then one of our babies needed like emergency NICU care. And that's the way it played out. And, and the other one too, and the other one too, but one needed to go to the NICU immediately. Right. And. And Eli, it was like, he was okay ish, and then he needed to go to the NICU later.

Britt: 42:24

And then they lived there in the NICU

Lindsey: 42:26

for two and three weeks. Two and three weeks. Yeah. So that was like a very. It was a time when we really had to like swoop in and really be there for each other in a way that we didn't, that actually we did know how to do. We just didn't know that we knew how to do it. It was a completely new experience, but there were definitely other times in our relationship. Again, when like, when a big thing happened, we would be like, all right, what do you know? We're on the same team. And I think like teamwork is something we've always known how to do, even if we were driving each other crazy. And that's pretty cool. Yeah. So we're parents of twins. It's a fucking rollercoaster. It's insane. Have you ever had one baby? Try to, it's wild and business running business. And I was not prepared at all. I can't believe how much people prepare for like pregnancy and birth. And then there's like so little preparation for what's going to happen afterwards. Anyway. We did that for like a couple years and but think that's when really for me things felt like slogging through Major mud major depression all this old trauma activated Just a real sense of confusion and like talk about nervous system being like stretched beyond I was constantly feeling that way and then having this business that I was like, oh now I need to care about this thing and You just can't I couldn't anyway, I don't know, right?

Britt: 44:03

And then what changed?

Lindsey: 44:05

Well, what changed for me is somewhere around the boys, when they turned, after they turned three, it took three years for me to feel more normal, I think, after twins. After two years, I was like, okay, I think I'm getting it back. You know, maybe it's like first year. Okay. Second year. Okay. I'm feeling more like myself. Third year. Okay. Something's awakening in me. And I don't actually know what sparked this, but I kind of do in those little tiny ways where something shows up and you're just like, I'm being led somewhere. And this has nothing to do with our relationship, but it does because I remember specifically, we were on a camping trip for your birthday and it was like so much fun. We remember we took the camper to Purdon Allis. Oh yeah. And it was like the boys, it was just so much easier than we tried to take them camping when they were one. What? We tried to take them camping. We went on the camping trip to Colorado when they were two. It was so hard. And then this trip was just like, this is, feels like a breeze. I was reading, which I hadn't done in years and little shifts started happening. Reading was one of them. I was reading Mark Marin's book at the time, which is not any kind of like wellness or spiritual or anything, but it cracked something open in me where I was like, Oh, feeling And like. person, human, and I started this like personal healing spiritual journey kind of on my own. That's true.

Britt: 45:48

Yeah. I had nothing to do with it at first.

Lindsey: 45:51

Yeah. And I think pretty quickly, something unlocked in me where I had. space, like I had a little more space just starting to meditate or starting to read Ram Dass or waking up early in the morning, not drinking also, we didn't, I, that was the first time when that I was like, I think I'm just going to like not drink other than obviously being pregnant, breastfeeding, all that stuff. I was like, I think I'm just done with alcohol. And that took me on like a. journey of a few years of self discovery in a way that I didn't do in my twenties because I was focused on work and because I was already married. Like if you're married, you found your person. And so you don't, there could be this idea. It's like, I don't need to like work on myself. I already found the person, you know, like the reasons that normally people in modern day do some inner work maybe because they want to be in a relationship or they want to make money. And I was kind of doing all those so I was like, but something's missing because I still feel shitty and I did that for a few years and I think there was a shift there in our relationship because little by little I just like was able to drop shit. Would you say that's true or no?

Britt: 47:13

That is true. I would say in the beginning. He's like, no. No. Put the vodka down, Lindsay. Um, I would say I pushed back a little in the beginning when you started with the spiritual stuff because I was heavily not

Lindsey: 47:31

spiritual. Mmm. I want to hear more about that. Intentionally not

Britt: 47:34

spiritual.

Lindsey: 47:35

Intentionally. I was intentionally not wanting to be supported by anything.

Britt: 47:41

Yeah. Well, I, I was, Atheist my whole life, right? Right. And then... From birth. From birth. First thought. Never loved it. Never, never cared for it. Religion that is. And so when Lindsay started dabbling in spirituality, I just equated that with religion. And I was like, what? Is she joining a cult? What is, um, like, God's not real. Why the f what? Are we going to have to get a divorce? Really? Yeah, that's how... Wow. That's how, um... Off, it felt to me. Wow. Um, but then I started seeing how much better you felt about yourself. And like I've said in the past, you were listening to a lot of Ram Dass talks and every time that was on, I was like, this makes

Lindsey: 48:29

all the sense. Like there's nothing really to argue

Britt: 48:31

with. Yeah. Yeah. And, and I mean, not even like the religious aspect of it. It's just. It made me realize that spirituality is a whole thing that even transcends religion.

Lindsey: 48:42

For sure. You know what I mean? I mean, that's the whole deal. Right. Yeah, that's what we're trying to say.

Britt: 48:48

Right. So, um, I still never became religious, but I am definitely so, like, deeply spiritual now. Yeah. Open to whatever

Lindsey: 48:58

that ends up meaning. Right. So that's an interesting thing. Relating this all the way back to relationship because maybe we've gotten really off topic but us being married for a long time and you like me trying something totally new but you can and you're like not about it because it's not what you're used to but you can like see that there's like something seeding and so you give me the space to do it. And that's really cool. And that was intentional. Yeah. Yes. That's really cool because you're like, something is working here, but I don't believe it. And so we kind of did that for a couple years. I like got in. Well, it's funny because I'm

Britt: 49:42

like, something is working, but she doesn't know that it's just her. She's fixing herself. And it's funny because that is the truth. But it's like, but I was thinking about it in like a weird, bad, like backwards way. Yeah. That you are everything, you know what I mean? Right, right, right. Where are

Lindsey: 49:59

you going with that? It's like, you're making it all up, and I'm like, we're making it all up! Yep. And it's like, just the reframe of like, letting it be shitty or beautiful, right? And that really goes back to relationship, because that's when, in that time, fast forward, fast forward, Government shut down and that's what we really want to talk to you guys about today is that there has been a conspiracy theory against this American free republic just kidding shut down so I'm like two years into my spiritual practices and therapy and healing and whatever and not drinking and journaling and like literally everything you can think of today. That is for me, like deeply healing and shut down. We loved because we were, we were like, it was like a coming back together for us. At that point, you had stopped working at the restaurant. That was a hard thing that I don't think we have time to talk about. Dang it. We don't know. Should we talk about it? Okay. That wasn't. I left the,

Britt: 51:06

I left the. The restaurant was a little push from Lindsay because it wasn't working out. I didn't need

Lindsey: 51:14

to be working. We do need to talk about this because that was a brown lot time. It was when the boys were turning three and it was like, I could just feel that something was off. And I knew at that point, I didn't know that I needed to get out of the restaurant. But I was like, I think Brit needs to get out of here. And actually, I think that's like divinely fucking guided. Because what if in my whatever ineptitude at that time, if I had been like, I need to leave. Like, it would have been a hot mess. No. Yeah. So, I didn't do it skillfully. And I do apologize for that. And I have apologized for that. But I was basically just like, Brit, I think you need to like, go do something else. That was your

Britt: 51:55

surrogate. Wow. What do you mean you needed to leave so you I

Lindsey: 52:00

mean I didn't know it at the time but don't you think that's probably what I needed to start the process and I actually did know pretty soon after like I need to completely change the my relationship with this place and the first step is like my my partner needs to not be in here with me because I need to just change the way, you know, I need to like put a lot of boundaries around work. I had no boundaries with work. And that was a rough patch.

Britt: 52:28

That was a rough patch. And then I started a new job that, um, I loved. Yeah. And it was

Lindsey: 52:34

great. That all happened around the same time. So we had that big, it wasn't even, I mean, I wouldn't call it big, but it was big. It wasn't like a blow up where I was like, you should just leave. I was like, I've been thinking about this for a while. And like, I think you shouldn't work at Spiral anymore, and it was hard. It was hard for you, I know it was so hard for you, and it was so hard for me because that was a scary thing

Britt: 52:58

to say. I also knew it deep down that I needed to go. Right. But wasn't accepting it. Right. You know? To me it meant something else, to me it was like a jab. Yeah, yeah. Even though I knew I didn't

Lindsey: 53:09

need to be there anymore. And I think at the time, I mean, talking about communication, like, I didn't know, now I would be like, Let's like talk about how we feel about being here. And at the time I didn't really, I didn't know how to do that. So I was just like, you have to go. Yeah, you have to go. And so that happened and that was all around the same time because. Those little things happened where then we went I think maybe that's why the camping trip was good because we had that like that had already happened and it was like we had already like kind of started cleaning it up this kind of big decision in our relationship that wasn't a decision that you wanted consciously. And then we went on this camping trip, and then we went to Mexico. Always Mexico's gonna make everything better, y'all. Before we got pregnant with Eli and Jack, we went on an awesome trip to Mexico, too. So a little bit of Mexico always does us right. Um, and that summer is really when I was like, I'm gonna start meditating, I'm gonna stop drinking. You were free to go do your own thing. So it wasn't like I was attached to like, how, how does Brit feel about work? Cause that's a whole other baggage to carry. Ugh, you know, how do you feel about work, um, when, when, when work says something about me? Yeah. You know, because when I, if you don't feel good about it, it means you don't feel good about me. Right. Anyway, fast forward, government shutdown. So we had these like two years of like. Blah, blah, blah. We're working on ourselves separately. We're doing cool things. We're doing cool work. We're healing. And then we have government shutdown. And it was amazing. For us. For us. We were at home. We were with our kids. They were five. Five is so fun. And it was every day just like, let's get up. Let's take a walk. Let's meditate more. Let's read more. I don't have to be anywhere. We were, that's when we were like. Speaking of intimacy, we were being intimate a lot because we were just home all the time together. It was so fun. And that's when we really started talking about what do you feel? What do you want to do in life? And all this possibility opened up in a way that in our relationship and in The things we could do personally and together in a way that we never experienced. True. What do you have to say about that?

Britt: 55:38

I was, I was no longer running from anything because we were at home together. I wasn't escaping anything by going to work every day. There was a numbness to going to work every day and not being with my family. Taking the kids to school, going to work, coming home, eating dinner and going to bed. I felt like I was numbing out. When we were at home together, I saw what life could be. I was like, why was I running from any of this?

Lindsey: 56:03

Um, wow.

Britt: 56:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would say, I mean, that sounds harsh. I wasn't running, but there was definitely a lot of regular life stuff that I was avoiding there.

Lindsey: 56:14

Right, right. It's all there and it's all beautiful. Yeah, but that's when we started, like, I think that was really when we started, like, committing to, like, okay, we need to sit down and communicate. And that's when we started saying, we're gonna talk. And we'd done it before, like, we're gonna have a meeting. And we did that and it did help. But this is, like, We're just going to talk. We had two meetings a week. One was like, tell me how you feel. And every time y'all, it was so awkward at first because we weren't modeled communication. So we would sit down to these like scheduled feelings meetings and be like. Well, I'm fine. That's my impression of Brit. I'm fine. Nothing. I don't have anything. I don't have anything. And then it would like start unfolding and start unfolding. And it was so key because that was when we started sharing our feelings without being like, you are making me feel this way. And I feel this way because you did this, it would just be like, I feel nervous or I feel, you know, uh, sad or I don't feel appreciated, but without the connection of like what someone else is doing. And it was so freeing that it just brought this new level. It felt like we, it honestly sometimes feels like we've only been in a relationship from then. Yeah. Like this feels like we've been married for three years instead of 16 years. Because there was a major turning point there where we kept

Britt: 57:51

up with all those that was the key thing Yeah, just to keep up with it. Right maintenance,

Lindsey: 57:57

right maintenance, but also grace because we keep up with it But we don't you know, it's not like we're we aren't on our shit like that hardcore And we need to have grace for each other. The difference in the way that we like can have a disagreement. Now y'all, we had a disagreement this morning and we were almost like, we don't wanna record.

Britt: 58:20

Yeah. I was like, we're not doing this episode.

Lindsey: 58:21

I know. And then I was like, we are doing this episode second perfect time to do this episode. Um, but we had a disagreement this morning and you know what it was, we were both feeling shitty about ourselves. It had so little to do with the other, with the other person. Would you agree with that or? Agree. Like, if I'm, I just, I can notice my things so much quicker and hopefully stop them. And something that I'm remembering that someone just said to us a couple weeks ago is like, in relationship, not finding a resolution sometimes is. So freeing. Like, free yourself from the idea that you always need to have a resolution. It doesn't mean that there doesn't need to be some kind of repair. Trust

Britt: 59:09

that your bond is so good that you don't need to figure it out right then. Right. You're not gonna break up just from walking away for a

Lindsey: 59:18

minute. Yeah, yeah. Because so often when we're looking for a resolution is what we're actually looking for is the other person to agree with us. And

Britt: 59:26

thank you Jamie and Lacey for imparting that wisdom on us. It's true, it's true. You'll hear that in a future episode if we talk

Lindsey: 59:33

about it. You guys are the best people ever. But the thing is... Just knowing that you can like walk away and it's okay and that you don't have to stay there and necessarily you can when you feel resourced be like, okay, I'm going to let's stay and like talk about it and figure it out. But sometimes you can just be like, we're going to like take a moment. A lot of moments. I'm going to go do something totally different and actually not think about this. So, even a day that we have a disagreement, it's like, I mean, Jonathan, don't you always, every time that we have a disagreement or like a whatever in our relationship, I always hear Jonathan Richman. He says, couples, couples must argue. Couples must fight, baby. I mean, from time to time, you must clear the air and, and Jonathan is like a third party in our relationship. He's been there since the beginning. That's true. So. Thank you, Jay Rich. Yeah, the things that we, once we did enough. healing work and like went through enough hard shit together, we were, now we're able to come back and, and still have disagreements. It's not like we're like, we communicate all the time and we're, and now we just don't ever argue. Like we argue way less because there's not a need to. And when we do argue, for me, I can usually, hopefully, I can usually see, Oh, I'm like in my bullshit right now. Yeah. We have the tools now. And I can be accountable for how I show up. And I want to just make sure we got all this. Um, so the thing about being married for 16 years, that has worked for us is probably being dumb for a lot of it. But what that we had, we did always have great teamwork, even when we didn't know how to communicate. And what is so important to me in a relationship now is that It can feel boring, and it's like relationship, no, I don't mean boring, like, it's just like the, the fairy tale idea that we might have of a relationship is that it's like a cheap romance novel, and that's not true because there doesn't need to be like volatile to be long standing, like the mundane is actually where the real beauty is. Not the like That's why that's a cheap novel. Yeah. That's why it's cheap. You gotta get It's emotionally cheap. You gotta get the, the good novel. We had so much fun together when we were in our unconscious partnership, but it is way more fun now. Like we laugh When we're, when we're just saying we, we have less time where it's just the two of us because we're always with kids, but we make each other like laugh so much more that you think old me thinks like, oh, you laugh and you have a good time when you go out with friends or when you're having some drinks. And now I'm like, oh, I do that way more now when I'm not. Not partying or that's not even part of my life than I did before. So I like the laughter, not the going out. It's not that.

Britt: 1:02:49

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a real joy

Lindsey: 1:02:51

there. Yeah. So being married 16 years, what's your commitment to this year going forward? Be more

Britt: 1:03:00

present. I want to enjoy every moment with my family. I don't want to be thinking about work. I don't want to be thinking about what's next. I just want to live for now, baby. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. What about

Lindsey: 1:03:13

you? Okay, so I have three things. Okay.

Britt: 1:03:17

Hurry up, because we've got to go pick up the kids and jump Nate's car. That's true.

Lindsey: 1:03:21

We'll be fine. One is... I wish, and I'm going to preface this, but I, I wish there was a different word for like spiritual connection, but like deepening our, the way we relate to each other in a spiritual way. Nice. That's a commitment for me this year. Number two is telling each other what we want to do more or because we did that. We had this amazing journey. We went on this big trip and also we want to, I want to stamp this whole episode by saying, we wouldn't have been able to do it. any of that shit like sell our house and leave and just trust that we could travel and now be here and trust that we can just like start creative businesses and that they'll thrive as we're just crossing our fingers and hoping we would not be able to do any of that shit if we hadn't turned around whatever turned our ship around those years ago we would still be in the town. that we are from. And that's fine for anybody that wants it, but we obviously didn't. So telling each, I want to make sure that we tell each other like what our dreams are more and that we're like for it, that we're each other's cheerleaders. Because it can be really easy to assume that the other person in the relationship just kind of knows. Like, oh, they must know what I want to do because you kind of think that once you're with someone for a long time, you can still get into that like shared brain where you think that the other person must know. So like really setting aside time to where we talk about like, what's a wild ass dream that you have. And making it a reality because it's just so much more fun to live in in a relationship and a life where you're like, let's make these like big dreams real. And the third for me is a more deeper commitment to my personal health so that I don't then have a disagreement because I just feel shitty about myself. Ooh, nice. I'll take those all on. Yeah. We'll do those together. Those are our commitments for 2023. And to 2024 and beyond and beyond in our yearbook. All

Britt: 1:05:31

right. Thanks, guys. We're going to go take care of our

Lindsey: 1:05:33

family now. We love you. Bye.