Our Relationship Part 2: Deeper Communication, Letting Go, and Spiritual Evolution - Insights from a Year of Traveling

In this Can We Start Over podcast episode, Britt and Lindsey are talking about their relationship again! 
This time, what they learned about their relationship and needs after traveling with their three kids for nine months. 

They highlight the importance of communication as a couple and as a family and how it has been the foundation for their growth and understanding. They also touch on the challenges they faced while traveling. Lindsey discusses the importance of letting go and trusting your partner. Additionally, they reflect on how incorporating spirituality into their relationship has brought them closer and allowed personal growth.

Lindsey and Britt share their experiences and lessons learned in navigating the ups and downs in the past year.

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Transcript

Lindsey: 1:20

Me and my girl No, let's do it like this, it's funny. Me and my girl No, you can't, you can't sing other people's songs. Got this relationship You can't do that. We're gonna get sued. I can do that much, I think. Okay.

Britt: 1:32

Well, I hate, I can't stand Queen, so don't sing Queen's songs.

Lindsey: 1:36

How dare you, Brit. You're a Californian now. Welcome everyone to yet another episode of the Can We Start Over podcast. My name is Lindsay. And my name is Brit. And we are here with you on this fine day. Thank you for listening. We're glad you're here. We've been on a little relationship journey with you guys for the last few weeks. A couple weeks ago, we released an episode about what it's like being married for 16 years. And there was so much great feedback. And then last week, we talked to our friends, Jamie Carpenter and Lacey Dillmore, who are like spiritual relationship goals. I think to so many people. And people were asking us to do a part two of our relationship episode. That was focused more on like what the last year has been because we really took a journey on like 16 years. That's a lot to pack into an hour. So we wanted to talk about what this past year has looked like because it's been so different and we had to change so much more together. So that's what we're sharing with you this week. And

Britt: 2:44

shout out to Casey for giving us the extra push to do

Lindsey: 2:46

this one this week. Yeah, this talk is a lot about letting go, especially for me and really trusting the other person in your partnership. That's majorly what I learned this year. You're going to hear all about it as we talk, but I kind of just wanted to take a moment to shout out Brit for like stepping up when I felt confused. Taking the lead and making hard choices for our family that were so right and gently pulling me out of, like, the sea of confusion of not knowing what to do. So, thanks, Britt. Aw, you're welcome. Yeah, and thanks for sticking around with me long enough. To let me release my grip of control. Oh,

Britt: 3:35

wow, that's deep. Thanks for sticking around with me through all this clowning.

Lindsey: 3:42

Brits been clowning, now he's ready to man up, baby. Yep, yep. It was a fun talk, I'm glad we did it. It always feels good, it's like you guys are just listening to our, you're listening in real time to our, uh, awkward conversation, communication things that we talk about all the time and that we urge you guys to do if you're in a relationship. And when it's an episode that's just the two of us, it's like you're sitting down for one. So thanks for listening. Let us be your guides. Let us be your guides. Your awkward guides. Well, I have you here. I want to invite you listeners to my upcoming online workshop touching into creativity It's now open and space is limited. So make sure you take your seat join me for a transformative and experiential two hour deep dive that promises to dissolve any pesky blocks to creativity and get your Creative juices flowing on Thursday, October 19th. We'll dive into somatic movement Inner inquiry and source connection. It's not as complicated as you might think, and I'll show you a proven and potent process where you will connect with your body and your felt sense. Call in your personal guides and muses and tap into that magical source of creativity that lives beyond. All of us. Spoiler alert, when you do this, it feels pretty darn amazing and creativity becomes not something that you do just to write a song or a book, but it becomes part of your existence and how you live each day. Don't miss this chance to connect with your inner creativity and find your flow. Join me for this evening of transformation on October 19th, and don't worry if you can't make it live because there will be a replay. Aren't you ready to stop just thinking about all the creative projects you want to do and actually start doing them? Reserve your spot now. Reserve your spot now at the link in the show notes. I promise you won't regret it.

Britt: 5:43

All right, now let's get into the show.

Lindsey: 5:47

Sum up our relationship in one movie.

Britt: 5:50

One movie? Yeah. Oh God, that'd be hard. I only like movies that have like

Lindsey: 5:55

a lot of turmoil. Nope, nope. Just one movie. Empire Records. Good. Uh, it's What's Eating Gilbert Grape is the answer.

Britt: 6:03

Oh. Oh.

Lindsey: 6:06

It's not that movie. It's Mulan. But, um. I don't I don't, I don't remember what happens in Mulan. Do you remember what happens in what? It's eating Gilbert Grape.

Britt: 6:15

No, I was a kid when that came out. So our last episode, we had a great conversation about our relationship.

Lindsey: 6:22

Yeah, it was fun. It was

Britt: 6:23

fun. And people really reacted to it. They said, you're helping us so hard. You're

Lindsey: 6:28

helping us so hard. I feel like I've seen this in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Or Empire Records. Aw, Empire Records, that's sweet. Rory Cochran's character, whatever his name is, takes the money to Vegas and loses it. It's not Vegas either. Is it? It

Britt: 6:44

doesn't matter. Why are

Lindsey: 6:45

we talking about this? Because it's one of the best movies ever made, and we saw Liv Tyler this week, y'all.

Britt: 6:50

That's true. She smiled at

Lindsey: 6:52

us. So that's the world we're living in. She had

Britt: 6:56

kind eyes. She had kind eyes. Isn't that a weird thing to say to someone? Someone said that to you once, right? You remember it. Or you had nice flanks or something. That's

Lindsey: 7:05

totally different, but that someone did say to me once, and... That's supremely inappropriate. It is, especially

Britt: 7:13

because you were at work. And he was, you were serving that man food.

Lindsey: 7:18

Serving that man food, and I was like

Britt: 7:20

Serving him a good look too. Excuse me? You were looking mighty nice that day. Apparently you had your flanks out.

Lindsey: 7:27

My flanks were exposed. We have a relationship, y'all. And we talked about it on our last Episode and we got a lot of feedback and so we wanted to dive into a part two about our relationship But specifically what this year has done to our relationship, right? Because as many of you know about a year ago, we sold our house. We sold our stuff we started traveling with our three kids and so our days looked completely different than what they looked like when we Lived in Texas, worked 9 to 5, took the kids to school, all of those things, and we were like, we don't want to do that anymore. So we flipped it all upside down, and then we learned a lot about our relationship on that journey. And so I think there's like, the last episode was really how, what it was like 16 years of being married. And then this is going to be like, what it's been like in the last year when we made a huge change. Together. That's true. So if you want, if you didn't listen to that last episode, and you want to know first about what our relationship used to be like. The juicy bits. The juicy bits of being married 16 years, go back, listen to that episode. It's linked. And then come back here or do it in reverse, whatever, listen to this first and then go back and be like, okay, what was it like?

Britt: 8:56

Yeah, maybe you just want the solution. Maybe you just want to know how to make your relationship better immediately. Immediately. You already know how it was going. You don't need us to tell you about it. Well, let's start with number one. The number one thing, communication. It's key in every relationship. Whether it's with your doctor. Your children, your dog, or your partner.

Lindsey: 9:21

Learning how to communicate, we did talk about it a lot in the last episode, but learning how to communicate has been like the most important aspect of starting over. And so tell me about how it looked for you in the last year. So

Britt: 9:36

we went from spending a limited amount of time together, living our regular lives, having nine to fives, doing all the work of just being planted in one place. To being together 24 7. Every waking hour as we were traveling.

Lindsey: 9:52

Almost. Like, we take breaks. But like, most of the time we're together.

Britt: 9:58

Yeah, most of the time. And with our kids too. So there's an added layer there as well. So the most important thing that I feel has been communication. Making sure that we Sit down and talk about what our next steps are, especially because we were traveling. We need to plan where we were going, what we were going to see, what we were going to do. And it doesn't all need to be planned, but we definitely need to talk about everything before it happens. To keep everyone happy, together, just logistically, even to be able to get somewhere, we got a plan. So, it was good to keep those lines of communication open. We would sit down, we would schedule a time to sit down and talk, not only about our emotions, which we did, how we were feeling, how the trip was going, but just to communicate, just about any old thing, to have a talk, right?

Lindsey: 10:49

Yeah, and I think that that's such a, um, it's such like a cliche thing to say, like, you to be in a relationship, you need to communicate and coming from a place of non communication or not intentional communication to then getting there, I'll say, like, In the last year, what's been different is, it's like another layer of communication because we're talking about, we're like bringing ourselves to the table to be witnessed, which is communication, but also with an openness for the other person to exist. You know? Yeah, that's deep. Like, because everyone says, like, you gotta communicate, and then for someone who doesn't know what that means, it can be like, okay, well every time I try to communicate, my partner's an asshole, or what, or I'm, or whatever, which you know is projection, and we do it. I'm an asshole, I know, I know. I'm talking about me, but specifically practicing and man, we have talked about this so much. So if you've been with us for a while, you've heard us say this over and over again, but like communication awkwardly. Because I think there's this thing about communication where it's like, Oh yeah, and now I just do it. And I just like say what I feel, and the other person receives it. But you have to just sometimes like tumble it out. You know, and we kind of, we've honed that over the last few years. But specifically in the last year when it was like there's so much less noise. Then we could come together and there was like this space for the other person to be. That's like the real thing of communication. Because we could each just be talking and receiving ish. But allowing the other person to be is like this, ah, it's like this other level. And being allowed. That's huge too. Because what I noticed, I'm going to talk about, I want to talk about this a little bit more in a little bit, we'll get there. But like what I notice in me with communication is this block of being vulnerable. Like I don't want to, vulnerability is uncomfortable. And really that's just guilt. Like it's just some kind of guilt that I'm carrying. The real thing of that is like, can I be received? You know, and when someone can just allow you to be like, all right, just spit, like, that's why, that's why there's so many therapists. Right, yeah. Because it's like the only safe space we have to like, just spit, man, roll it. Yeah, go ahead. I think the first

Britt: 13:37

step in that is sitting down and having a talk being like, this needs to be a safe place for both of us to communicate whatever we need to. And if you can agree to that, then the rest is easy. It might not be easy, but it's what needs

Lindsey: 13:51

to happen. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Without putting your own layer of perception on it, which really takes work. Absolutely. So, yeah, I think those, that foundation we already had of like regular communication because we were already practicing it and then we were doing it. For all the like things like selling our house, you know, all the things before we left and then it just kind of rolled right in to traveling because it's like, where are we going to go next? What feels weird? What do we need to do? I don't know what's going on. And everything or like, I feel amazing has just been this beautiful space and now it's a lot more natural. I know you, you said that we like schedule, but we don't really do that anymore. Yeah, that's

Britt: 14:32

how it started, but now it is just second nature.

Lindsey: 14:36

Yeah, I mean, I will say there's like time carved out or we notice when there hasn't been right, so we'll be like we need to like talk They used to scare me so much when someone would say that hey, can you talk I would always be like, oh I don't know. What are you gonna tell me? But but having that thing cuz usually um, I mean always when I say hey We should, like, talk. It's because, like, I feel funky and wonky. And again, it's just like you need a place to be received. Absolutely. Receive me, baby.

Britt: 15:10

And another part that goes along with that is making sure that we're communicating as a family, too. We have to have our kids involved with all these decisions, too. And we talk about that in another episode. And on parenting, keeping everyone on the same page keeps you as a partnership together as

Lindsey: 15:29

well. Right, right, right. Yeah, it's like, it really like solidifies that team of like, okay, everyone, it's like, it's like having your daily circle or whatever, if you were in a workplace where it's like. Here's what's happening. How do you feel about it? Which maybe doesn't happen in the workplace, but good. And really, again, receiving and being received even for little people has been super crucial because then we are like more tapped into noticing this kid doesn't like this. This kid needs this and we can notice it more and then we can talk about it outside of that family circle. And it just, it informs our decisions. Even though we don't like let it rule the show,'cause then we would just go to Disney World every day, which sounds awesome, But actually taking our kids' true feelings into consideration is like another part of a deeper level of communication. Absolutely. Because what are, what is the point if you're not gonna utilize some of it? Right. With discernment,

Britt: 16:37

another thing we do is we make sure that we have date nights. That's really

Lindsey: 16:40

important. So before we left Texas, we were like, always, always on the regular date night tip. Like, that was always a big part of our thingy. Is that we love time together, one on one. And we were never shy about, like, going away for a few days together, and like, getting coverage for the kids. And it's not easy. I'm not being like, oh, it's so simple. It like, takes work to figure that out. But it, from the, from the like parenting jump felt important to us. So we were like always doing date nights. They became like more and more fun as we started communicating really like three years ago. That's when we were like, Oh, like these are more, even more enjoyable than they were. But in the last year, I mean, like you said, we're traveling, we're together all together as a family, like 98 percent of the time. And I think there was like, Well, when we were in Baja, we didn't go on a date until, like, the night, very last night we were there. Do you feel like those months in between where we didn't have date nights, do you feel like that affected our relationship? Or do you, what do you feel about that?

Britt: 17:48

Well, I needed some time away from the kids. And that really helped when we got some time away from the kids. I was able to decompress a little bit and not be on edge.

Lindsey: 18:00

Okay, yeah, yeah, cool. We won't, we went on like one date. In three months, which for us was like, less than we used to do, but don't you remember? I don't know. It just kind of felt, it felt like, Oh, what do we do? Did you, do you remember that at all? Yeah, definitely. We were like, what do we do now? It took like a little, uh, reboot or something. Yeah. Definitely day nights are important. And I think this last year having less of them though, I'll say like, I don't, for me, like it didn't really affect. My relationship with you and It didn't really affect my relationship with the kids. No, I

Britt: 18:41

think we got through that as we traveled, you know. In the beginning it was hard because I went through, I went from not having, not being around everyone every second of the day, to being around everyone every second of the day, taking on everyone's problems as well, and that was stressful. And then as we slowly worked that out, It wasn't as necessary to be away from the kids. That

Lindsey: 19:04

makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. And it's different because I was more used to being around the tornado of what three kids is like. And kind of doing it alone sometimes too. When you'd go to Vegas for the weekend, Ricky. Just kidding.

Britt: 19:24

Hey, some people do that and they're really good at it and it's fine.

Lindsey: 19:26

And it's perfect. Everyone should do their own thing. And, yeah, so that's been an interesting layer in the last year where we're like, before we were like, we got to do date nights and then we're like, and we're going to go travel for a year. We're like, that's not really an option for us as much. We did it a little bit and now we're back in Ojai and we like have access to some babysitters. So we have been doing it more so you can like, it's just brings another spark to it. We're like, Oh yeah, this is fun. I do like doing this. You know what? A big thing that's been different in the last year and really since May is how we've brought this like spiritual practice into our family dynamic and into our relationship where it was used to be kind of like more on the outskirts or more just like me doing my own thing and you kind of like Letting me, and then we would talk about it a little bit, but not really. Right. So let's talk about how that kind of evolved in the last year.

Britt: 20:26

Hmm, well for a while it felt very dissonant. I wasn't, like, really into the spirituality thing. And I think it was just, like, baggage, old baggage that kept me away from it, you know? And I'm like, what, what is happening? She's evolving in some way that I, I'm not, and I'm uncomfortable with. But as it was going, it kept, it started making more sense to me. And I was, became way more open, especially when we started traveling. I made it a point, I'm gonna be open to anything. Mm, mm hmm. And then, you know, all these Ram Dass talks and then going to Ram Dass house and hanging out with all of his people really, like, blew the doors open for

Lindsey: 21:07

me. Yeah, it's so interesting because I think, like, if nothing else, and not nothing else because there's so much else to it. To be able to travel for nine months and see all these amazing things and do all these things with my family, it's been incredible. But like, if nothing else, for us to add this new layer of having a spiritual connection in a relationship has been... Really cool. Yeah, because it's we're relating on a different level on a yet another different level and again, we've been married for 16 years and to get to bring something new in that is nourishing is cool. Yeah. And like, I think not a lot of people get to do that because there's potentially there's like the Like you said, if there's dissonance, like you perceive it as dissonance and make the other person bad for it. Or you could just like perceive it as dissonance and be like, see where this goes. And like that's kind of a spiritual practice. It really is to be like, I'm open to see what happens. Right.

Britt: 22:18

I think me realizing that spirituality wasn't a specifically religious thing kind of opened up opened it up to where I didn't have that baggage anymore and I could, you know, just kind of explore the oneness of all of us, you know, how everything is really just the same thing and we're all working together and that opened it up for me and now we have so much to learn together because we're both really into it. We have all these new teachers. And all this stuff to read and it's, it's like, it's, you know, it could have just been, oh, a new gang star record came out. Let's bond over this. But now it's a whole world

Lindsey: 22:55

of everything. Right. That's like literally infinite. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And bringing the kids has into it has been like, so cool just to naturally not to force. We're not, like, forcing them, but just to, like, be, like, see what they're interested in. And Eli, some evening, some nights, like, we always read a book before bed, and he'll be like, Read Miracle of Love. I'm like, what? Are you sure? And he's like, yeah, read that book. Read that book about Maharajah. Although at first he always says, read that book about Ram Dass. Yeah. It's very sweet. And I think it's because we're, like, naturally letting it unfold. That's been the real key. Kind of for everything in this last year, but to add this new, again, it's like this new part of our relationship is this spirituality that used to just be my thing. And I don't mean my thing like, this is only for me. But just something that I was into and I was kind of doing my own thing. It'd be like, if all of a sudden I was like, Oh, recording. What if I was like, Brit, have you heard that mic? You'd be like, what? That would

Britt: 24:06

change my life. Yeah, I know. If we could nerd out about microphones. So

Lindsey: 24:09

imagine how it feels to be me when you're like, you like, I want to sing Kirtan and, uh, Interesting. I guess I haven't thought of that. Have a picture of Maharaji. It's like one of, something that became like the most, one of the most important aspects of my life that I hold very loosely and I'm. You know, I'm both and, I'm all of it, and then for you to be into it, because it does feel, it's a little off topic, but it feels on topic, where it's like, it can make you kind of feel solitary, and it, when you come from a place or a friend group that's not that. You know, so it becomes like, okay, this is the thing I talk about with like two friends or, or this other group of new friends or only people on the internet or only people on the internet that they're than my friends. Right. Right. Sure. They're my friends. Yeah. And then for us to have it, it's like, Whoa, that's a whole deeper level. Yeah. And I, and not everyone needs to have spirituality to like find that in a relationship. I'm sure it does.

Britt: 25:14

It's like being, you could also just like both be into philosophy, you know, and just be talking about philosophy. Which I think we did when we were younger, too. It wasn't specifically spiritual, but just, you know, whatever.

Lindsey: 25:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be lots of things. That's true. That's true. But it's like the deeper seed of what it is. You're right. Philosophy is a perfect example. Or like, or art, but like a reverence for it. So it's not like, it's not like a thing people can bond over the like, um, let's talk about how shitty something is. Right. And that can be a lot of like, people can get stuck, man done this so many times, but like creative people can get stuck in like the loop of being like, let's just like shit on music that we don't like or whatever. And somewhere in the last few years, I'm just like, that's so boring to me. I mean, I do love an occasional shitting on session. More for funsies, not even for serious. Yeah. But to just talk about, like, the way that something feels good is so much better. It's game changing. So much better. Yeah.

Britt: 26:24

Yeah. And it's also, it's led to so many new, amazing experiences. I don't know if we've talked about this on the show, but if maybe a month ago or a little longer we were at the playground and Otis, our two year old, walks up to a guy that had a harmonium instrument sitting there and he pointed at a picture of Hanuman and Ram Dass and was like, Hanuman, Ram Dass, and the guy that owned it was like, oh my gosh, your two year old knows who they are? And the guy ended up being one of Ram Dass friends since the 70s. Yeah. And we ended up hanging out with him, he invited us over and now we were hanging out with the Love Serve Remember people at, I mean, it's crazy. He just introduced us to this whole world of people we, we knew about but didn't, didn't expect to, to like run into so quickly.

Lindsey: 27:15

Right, right, right. Yeah. And to be a part of like their world. Yeah, yeah. And to think about the opposite, to not be open. to that possibility, just kind of feels like a bummer. And that's something we've learned together in the last year is like. Just like, open, open, open, a little more, can you open a little

Britt: 27:34

more? Yeah, I could have been at the playground just like, pointing at some dude in a purple shirt. And like, look at that dumbass purple shirt. That is the alternate reality. That is the six or seven years ago reality for me. Yeah. Like, why the fuck is that guy wearing that shirt

Lindsey: 27:53

in public? Yeah, yeah. It's just like, let it be a freaking miracle, man. That's what I'm about. The miracles in the mundane, you know, not like the big miracles, but like the little miracles. And then from that, we like, have been having these deeper conversations. But that are also light.

Britt: 28:14

It's like a whole new, uh, addition to our

Lindsey: 28:17

house. Yeah, say more of that, say more of that. It's

Britt: 28:20

like physically if you were building an addition onto your house, and it was a cool new game room, and you spent all your time there, or whatever. Yeah. It's like that.

Lindsey: 28:31

Yeah, it, it's a real interesting And you didn't have

28:34

to

Britt: 28:34

pay for it. Right. It only, it only gave you joy. It

Lindsey: 28:38

just existed. Yeah. It's real interesting to just Be like things that we didn't yeah, things that we didn't do together before it's like it's like discovering pickleball together Haven't done that. Yeah, but but instead of pickleball, I'm like, hey, can you get some flowers for the altar? It's like yeah Yeah, and just how amazing that is yeah has really been the Probably one of the best parts of traveling for nine months is that that just happened on its own. Right. And nobody tried to make it happen. And I didn't try to make you be like, That's true. Go to church camp now. Here, that

Britt: 29:24

brings up a great example of Where we were dissonant another time in this trip that we were dissonant is that towards the beginning Lindsay really wanted to go to Maui,

Lindsey: 29:35

right? Can I stop you and say towards the beginning like before we left Texas? Oh,

Britt: 29:40

yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely beginning at the very beginning. I didn't want to go which sounds weird Want to go to Maui, but at that point we were like, let's go check out places. We may want to live And also Maui is very expensive, is very expensive. So I'm like, how are we, we can't start our trip off like that. First, you know, going somewhere that we, yeah, anyway. But I went because I knew Lindsey had a feeling. She needed to go there, right? And we went there, and we stayed at Ram Dass house. Now, with his people, like I already said, you know, that was life changing. Yeah. That kind of led to this spiritual awakening. Yeah. You know, or solidified it. I was, I was getting there over the years, but that

Lindsey: 30:25

solidified it for me. And talk about like following the string of being open, because for some reason, yeah, I was like, oh, what if I just book tickets to go to Maui on this day? This was months before, well not months, but this was like before we even went to Mexico, before we knew how long we were going to be in Ojai, all of those pieces hadn't really been mapped out yet. And I was just like, what if I just book tickets to Maui from L. A. on this day? And you were like, not super into it, but I think you said yes, obviously, because it happened. Um, but then it took, then a couple months later, I was like, Okay, I'm gonna email Hanuman Maui and see if I can do a personal retreat. And when I did that, I was like, okay, I got it all set up. You were just like, oh, I think I want to do that. So, you, I mean, why? Why did you, what, do you remember, like, what you felt? What you were called? Like, what, what told you, like, do that?

Britt: 31:27

I don't know, honestly. But, like, I was, I've said, you had been listening to Ram Dass for a few years. And it all made sense to me and I was like, well, you know, I can go do this and just like sit in Ram Dass's library and read his books and, you know, hang out and this sounds fun to me, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think it would be like life changing. Right. You know what I mean? I was just like, oh, I want to learn more. This sounds like fun. Let's do this, you know? Like, I have the chance to go to Ram Dass's house. And get away from the

Lindsey: 31:58

kids. Get

Britt: 31:58

away from the kids. For four days. Right. But I went there and I was, I was hanging out, reading his books with his handwritten notes in them, laying flowers on his bed, hanging out with Dasima, his caretaker, all of these people that he was friends with. I was doing service, making flower arrangements for people in hospice, I was cooking, like I felt like we were, I was like, helping, you know what I mean? And it all just felt so magical.

Lindsey: 32:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that first taste of... Devotion, and like really what devotion is, is like putting a flower on, on someone's bed because you love them and you've never met them. And that sounds wild to someone who hasn't experienced it, like, what are you talking about? Yeah. But we can all find those ways to be devoted to something and like, it is necessary. It doesn't need to be, again, it can be art, it can be the earth, it can be. Anything, but like, to be devoted to something means like, I love this. And when you

Britt: 33:06

open up all those possibilities, when you stop pushing things away, I don't know, maybe you meet a dead Indian and levitate, you know? Or what, there's like, you just let, let life happen to you, you know? You're always pushing, pushing things away. Yeah. Try bringing

Lindsey: 33:24

them in for once. That's really good. That's really good, Britt. Yeah. The... I

Britt: 33:30

didn't levitate by the way.

Lindsey: 33:33

And, you know, you mentioned that, that example of like me wanting to go to Maui and so it just happening is really a key thing that I have learned in this last year is like, Not always doing that because I've kind of always been the leader and naturally with my job, I was the leader and then you worked there. It was like, you know, so it like gets ingrained of like, just be the leader. And that's always been your

Britt: 34:03

personality too. That's why you've been successful as well.

Lindsey: 34:06

Part of the reason. But it's also, it comes from like a lack of safety. So it's really. True. Could be, can be, can be, is probably trauma response of being like, I got to figure it out. So let me figure all this out. But what has been so freeing for me, and major thing that I learned in the last year, is just be like, let, like, don't figure it out. And, and for me to just learn, To feel that urge to like chime in or to say, what if we do this and to just not and say, what do you want to do? I trust what you want to do, has been so amazing for me to, to be like, it's going to be all right. I don't have to figure it all out. And that is like, takes our, for me, it takes our relationship to another level because we talked about this before, but like, we are a good team, especially when things get. hairy. We can, we like get into like, like, we form like Voltron. We figure it out. We

Britt: 35:11

form like a Remington Shaver. We form like. To get rid of that hair.

Lindsey: 35:17

And to just be like, I don't have to. I don't have to. And that really became true. As we, we went to Japan, we went to Thailand, we're going to tell y'all all about Thailand soon. And then when we were in Australia and we were just like, it felt like we were kind of slogging. And part of me was like, keep going, because you said you were going to keep going. But you were like, No. And instead of me, because I could have laid out all the reasons why, and I probably did, but not in a forceful way. What, maybe I have a different memory of it than you, but to just be like, let's follow Brit's lead. Let him lead has been. So freeing. Because I think in relationships, there's always going to be that leader, right? Mm hmm. So for the leaders out there listening, like, don't lead sometimes. Or a lot of the time, just stop.

Britt: 36:14

Right. I do remember that being one of the most, like, freeing days of my life when we made that decision. And we were, like, totally on board with it. And I was like, All right, this is the right decision. I had never felt so right in my life.

Lindsey: 36:27

Mmm, that's

Britt: 36:28

so cool. And then all of these worries that I had been having just kind of melted away in that minute.

Lindsey: 36:33

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember what it felt like? Physically?

Britt: 36:38

Yeah. I mean, I had relaxed a little bit. Yeah. And I just, like, felt happy. I felt

Lindsey: 36:44

good. Yeah. So. So, do you? Mm hmm. Do you, can you like pinpoint the difference between how that felt like as an intuitive pull versus like a worry mind pull? Can you differentiate the two? Only

Britt: 37:00

in the way that it felt more right than anything. Usually when it's a worry thing, I just, I know that it's, I'm worried about money or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah. But this was like, this is just the right idea. This is what, I don't, like I don't want to be here anymore. Nothing kept me wanting to be

Lindsey: 37:18

there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that magnetic pull that just feels different. And that is, in a relationship, I think we've learned, and I'll just say, not we, me, learned to like, let you get the intuitive hit, you know? And be like, that's an intuitive hit. The other thing is not an intuitive hit for me because it's, Wobbly, you know, and it come, it's coming from the mind. It's not coming from like, go here, you know, maybe there's a go here in the future, but it doesn't have to be right now. So being in partnership is like holding space. We're learning all this this year, y'all, we've been married for 16 years, or we're like learning it at a deeper level is like, let the other person have the intuitive hit. And you're a, you're a group, especially when there's kids involved. So it's gonna have to be. someone else's map sometimes. And that was so freeing for me at that time to be like, I don't have the map. I don't know. So I could like make all these decisions out of out of like Ego, because that's what it is, ego for me to like, keep going, let's keep going. Or I could say, help me. You have an intuitive hit and then you're like, I do. Boom, let's do that. Just takes it to this next level. Yeah. Where then we're, it feels like we're operating on that more, more and more. So another example, and I don't remember if we've talked about this on the podcast or not, but with the boys school. And like it's this and it becomes this inexplicable and there's and there's not a need to explain it. Right. Where we're just like, this isn't right. Let's do the other thing. Yeah. Let's do the other thing. And then we're like, okay. And then that's how, so what happens or what I've noticed specifically with that is later my people pleasing little will like click on and I'll be like, Oh, what if we don't? And then I'm so glad I can bounce it off you. And then you'll be like, no. We already said the other thing, and that's what's right, and then I'll be like, okay, good. Again, I don't have to be, I didn't have to make the decision. We may, I mean, we made that decision together, but it just helps to be like, Relieve the pressure because my mind isn't, my thinking mind, that ego part isn't in control.

Britt: 39:44

Also, another thing that's really brought us closer in this last year is this podcast.

Lindsey: 39:50

Right. Creating something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So cool. And we did that sorta kinda with business before. But also not really. I mean, we didn't, we didn't really. It has so many aspects because, first of all, we're talking. Which is really good. And after every episode, we'll be like, That was so great. Yeah. You know? And then also we're like, but it has this other layer of like, we're working on a creative vision together. It's just cool. We're pouring in our creative essence to something together. Yeah.

Britt: 40:24

And going back to just us talking, we're coming up with things that we're planning for these episodes, right? Which aren't things that we probably would have planned to talk about in regular life beforehand. Like the relationship episode. Because as we're talking about it, other things are popping up. Like, oh yeah, oh my gosh, remember this? You know how important that was? And we're identifying these really important parts of our lives and why they were helpful.

Lindsey: 40:51

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then also, like, putting it out there. And being like, people can like this or not. And

Britt: 40:59

that's just proving that we're okay with it. Yeah. You know, that's kind of like a really nice form of letting go. Right.

Lindsey: 41:06

And surrendering. I want people to like it, but also I like it. So it matters the less someone's opinion, which is just part of like really actually discovering who you are, like you're going to have to put yourself out there. And you're gonna have to put yourself out there in a relationship, too. Like, you're gonna have to be a little vulnerable. You're gonna have to, like, show up a little bit fuller. A little bit more. You're gonna have to be a little more selfless. You're gonna have to not lead all the time. You know? Which also goes

Britt: 41:35

into the creative aspect of it, too. Us collaborating creatively, we never really did that before. You know, we had our own work, and it was always our own work. With this, we get to come together and work together in ways that we hadn't before. So we're doing art together, we're coming up with, we're writing these together, it's awesome. It's a whole new part of our relationship that didn't exist.

Lindsey: 42:01

Yeah, and it's fun. Yeah. Yeah.

Britt: 42:03

Yeah. New way to have fun, it's that game room baby. We added that game room on and we got a new pinball machine and we're there.

Lindsey: 42:11

Really this last year has just been a, a deeper exploration into like noticing how I show up in relationships. And then not being ashamed of it, but like, course correcting as needed. It's so important because before I would just be like, Well, I guess I'm a piece of shit. You know, like the shame spiral can be so real. And that does no one any good. It certainly isn't doing your partner any good. I mean, all I, if I'm ever, if I was ever doing that, and I was, all that really does is like, Put me as a victim in some weird ass way where it's like, Oh, I did this and now I feel horrible about it. Can you help me feel better or not? You know, it just, it's like this weird victim soup, victim mentality soup. And one thing that I am really remembering in traveling is like the way that I can want or need you to feel a certain way about something. And now I can just notice it pop up and be like, Oh, I'm doing that thing. And just like, ah, let it go. Hopefully. I mean, sometimes it's not that easy, but like specifically when we were in Thailand, And you didn't want to, you weren't feeling it. Spoiler alert. You weren't feeling it. You were uncomfortable. And there is a part of me that's like, when Brit is uncomfortable, it is my job to like, make sure that he feels comfortable. And it is.

Britt: 43:52

Just

Lindsey: 43:52

kidding. But, and I can notice, that goes back to like, that's like, some kind of wound. You know, like, make everyone feel good. If someone doesn't feel good, then it's like, it needs to be fixed. And how, actually, that's, again, some weird victim trap, you know? But whenever we were in Thailand and you just straight up didn't really like it, I was just like, what does this? It just made me uncomfortable because it's like, what does this say about me? Did I make a bad choice? That's always a big one for me. Did I make a bad choice? Um, and then it'll, then like spiritual ego will come in and be like, I should be, I should be happy anywhere, you know? So if Brit doesn't like this and I can feel that tension, it's also probably cause I don't really like it, but I don't really want to admit it because there's that, that like little bit of, man, it's so tricky the way all this stuff comes in, but it'll come in and be like, Oh, you, you should be okay. Be, just be content wherever you are, and that, like, word, that's valuable, except for when it's not reality.

Britt: 45:05

So true. I totally feel you there. So getting back here to Ojai, where we decided to settle down, was a huge weight lifted. It felt like we were bringing some normalcy to our life, um, more of a routine, but also there were still feelings of like, what do we do now?

Lindsey: 45:28

Right. Yeah. So that was like an intense period just a couple months ago where, I don't know about for you specifically, but for me, I was like, I would. I would be like riding this rollercoaster of, Oh my god, it feels so good to land. To then being like, What the hell do I do now? What was this last nine months? Was that a fever dream? And just, like, riding this rollercoaster, and then when that happens to me, I tend to just, like, distance myself. And that was a time when I noticed, like, since that we didn't, that we hadn't really talked in a little bit. I'm like, oh, we need to, like, come back together and talk. And just, like, how easily we can, or more easily we can do that now. Well, what did you feel coming back?

Britt: 46:19

I felt the same thing. I was, like, so happy to be here, but also, like, oh, now I need to figure out what work is. And where we're going to live, and does this make sense? And I could definitely feel you pulling back because you do that where you just kind of shut down and you don't talk and you're just in your head and you're quiet. And so now it's a lot easier for me to identify that and be like, hey, we need to talk, we need to figure out what's going on while you're withdrawn.

Lindsey: 46:44

Right, yeah, and like, what I'll notice. For you, and hopefully this is true for you too, is like, it's not personal. Right. Because before I would be like, why is Brit being weird? Why is he being weird? And sometimes I will still be like, you're being weird, but maybe in a different way. Like, why are you holding your knife with your foot? You're being weird.

Britt: 47:06

My knife, as if I would have a knife. Oh, I meant like a I'm

Lindsey: 47:09

not a knife person. I meant like a meal knife. Like, like, not like a

Britt: 47:14

Will you make a meme of me with holding a knife with my

Lindsey: 47:17

foot? Gotta figure out how to do that.

Britt: 47:20

But that's Somebody out there make that meme, please. Yeah.

Lindsey: 47:23

Why are you being weird? We'll repost

Britt: 47:24

it. No matter what. No matter what. I promise you we'll repost it.

Lindsey: 47:30

But the tendency can be, again, it's all, it goes back to projection, but like Why are you being withdrawn, you know, and now I'll just be like, even if I can feel myself being like, why is Brit being weird? I can like, like suck it back in, stop spilling my energy everywhere, and just say, oh, Brit feels wonky, like something's up, and then you're exactly right, like going back to What's up? What do you need? How are you feeling? And letting the other person spill. Spill. Spill it, baby.

Britt: 48:10

And that brings

Lindsey: 48:10

us to today. Right here, right now. Right here, right now. Where we are. Feeling good. How about you? Yeah, yeah, feeling good. Here we are. Here's another example of letting, letting you lead. And I'm sorry if that just feels like so assholey. I don't know why I want to. Because I know that, like, traditionally, men lead or something, right? I don't know, like, traditional relationships. I've heard that. I've read that

Britt: 48:35

in history

Lindsey: 48:36

books. And that, and that's been a real problem for me. And I think it's a real, and this is a whole other episode. Let me tell y'all, but, like, but, like, the wounded masculine and the wounded feminine. And, basically, I, like, take on these. Since my early 20s have like took on these kind of more masculine roles as like hyper protection because it's not safe Bad things happen when you're not in charge like all of those old Stories and they're not even conscious. So then you're just playing it out for years and years unwinding that And doing it with you has also, I think, maybe like let you see where maybe the opposite was true for you and you were just following because maybe that was a safer bet, but to let you lead is healing for me. To be like, I don't have to decide, and an example of this is we've been back and forth on when are we going to go to Texas, and before I would be like, no, we need to go here, we need to do this, it needs to be now, and I would just be like, what do you think? And really like leave it up to you, and you made the decision, and then I, it's just so freeing. Because that was very intuitive for me. Yeah, that's, I guess that's, that's what I'm getting back to, and that's the real thing. You can throw like, Wounded Masculine, Wounded Feminine, whatever out the window. It's like, when you are in tune with your being, with your essence, then the intuition is just like, oh, we go now. We, we go this way. And when I'm in tune, I can be like, follow, follow him. He knows when to go. You don't, if you're not clear, we've already said it before, but if I'm not clear and you're clear, then we're going with the clear. That's so easy. It makes it so easy. Totally. And it like takes the thinking mind out of it. I mean, there's thinking involved, but it takes the like, I don't know how many people have experienced this, but there's so many things that we can like put on scales forever. And put on the pros and cons list forever. And be like, here's the good, here's the bad. Which one is like, which one is it? And you can do that until you're like blue in the face. Or you can just say, which one of us is clear? I'm not, you are, let's go with you. And it takes so much. Then we're pretty soon we're not even going to be communicating anymore because we won't need to.

Britt: 51:08

Vibing on

Lindsey: 51:09

each other's emotions. Yeah, we're just gonna vibe and eat soup and that's it, baby. All right. Vibe and eat soup. Vibe and eat

Britt: 51:19

soup. Thank you all for listening to this vibe and eat soup special.