"Remove the Crowd"
A thought provoking experience to cover topics and views. Striving to empower a community of people to be better. Say uncomfortable things to bring understanding how to create comfort in the same space ♥️.
"Remove the Crowd"
Try a little Tenderness
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Speaking with (3) women to address some self care and love views.
Welcome to another thought-provoking experience to explore how people view topics of the world. We offer viewpoints and opinions all in good faith for the sake of growth with one another. Dare to step out of your box by joining me, your host Fleetwood to bend the needle. Because I like to move the crowd. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to Move the Crowd. And this is going to be a phenomenal episode. This is the first episode where I have the opportunity to use the platform and explore different topics with three distinguished guests. Today, we are going to talk about. I'm going to title it first. The title of this episode is called Try a Little Tenderness. What I'm going to do is introduce my panel, my guests, and I'm going to let them introduce themselves. And we'll come back and then we'll get right into it. So first up is going to be to my left. And she's going to introduce herself now.
SPEAKER_05Um, hello. I'm Kenya.
SPEAKER_00Tell us something about yourself, Kenya. You're an entrepreneur, you're a mom.
SPEAKER_01Um, yeah, I'm an entrepreneur. Um, I'm a mother of four, a grandmother of three, and I um um I tell you what, tell us about your platform, about your vision, about your brand. Oh. Well, um my vision about my brand came from uh inspiring women. Um allowing women to come out with their truth. And um some women um at some point in their life have a hard time doing that because of the fact that um you know, the trauma they have may have been through. Um the trauma they've been through. Also, um what's the name of it?
SPEAKER_00It's an acronym, right?
SPEAKER_01Oh, my um brand? Yes is called Whoopdy. It's um Whoopde Woo! Okay, Tammy. Whoopdy means women of talent, intellect, and embrace and I mean empowerment. I'm sorry. Okay. All right.
SPEAKER_00Well, welcome to the show.
SPEAKER_01Thank you.
SPEAKER_00Look forward to hearing your dialogue and your your insight on the topics that we're about to tackle.
SPEAKER_01Oh, can I say this?
SPEAKER_00Sure, it's your mic. You can say whatever you want.
SPEAKER_01I'm sorry, but I'm a little nervous.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_01I am but I'm gonna do my best.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. That's all we can ask. So, sitting next to you, we're going to we're gonna allow my next distinguished guest to introduce herself, and she's also a first-timer. Ashley.
SPEAKER_03Hi, everyone. I'm Ashley. Um, I'm a mother of three. I work in the medical field. Right now, I'm exploring a candle business. Um, it's just taking me a little while to get there. I got there during a tough time in my life, so I was just finding something to help me and my daughter pass time. So that's how that got started.
SPEAKER_00And is there a name for it or it's called Ashley's Aromas.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Um, like I said, do candles, wax melts, double and dabble in wine bottle decor, but a little bit of everything right now. Okay. And some painting on the side.
SPEAKER_00Um I heard about that. I heard you have a nice little little hand for painting there.
SPEAKER_03It frees my mind. Oh. So it's just something I dabble and dabble in.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_03And I'm a woman in transition. Okay. Not physical, gender-wise, but transition to newness in my next journey.
SPEAKER_00Took everything I had now to just completely blow it.
SPEAKER_03I'm sorry. It just had to be clear. I was like, oh, that's the right word to use. So, you know, I just needed to clear it up.
SPEAKER_00Welcome to move the crowd.
SPEAKER_03Thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_00And my last guest, you guys have heard before. She is my side, she is my front, she is my everything. I'm gonna let you introduce yourself as if they don't know who you are, but take the floor.
SPEAKER_02Hello, everyone. It is Luciana. Um, I am a mom of five. I am a meme of one, not a grandma. I'm a meme. Um, I work in the healthcare field also. Um, at some point in this journey that I am on, my goal is to finally publish my children's book that I have been holding near and dear to me since 2012. Um outside of that, I do love healthcare. I do. Um the next prayerfully goal will become a doula. So at some point I can assist our community and birthing the next generation, and it'll give me an opportunity to put my hands on something spiritually to allow them to have a connection spiritually with God also. You know, we take for granted our presence and a lot of things, and I see or I hear my grandmother talking about when she was born, and how the midwife took her in our arms and prayed and walked around with her until my great-grandmother could get herself together. So just wanting to be a hand and a voice for that next generation, you know, spiritually. So um, I also uh dabble in a few other things to keep my mind occupied. I mean, what else can I do? Um, that being just journaling. I like to journal a lot. Um, it keeps my mind free and clear of some clutter or questions or doubts when I write it. My husband used to always tell me, write it down and read it and see if it if it resonates. And writing it and reading it allows you to sometimes determine the truth in a thing or a lie in a thing. It's either gonna breathe a lie or it's gonna breathe some truth. So which one do I need it to do? And if I can eliminate the lie, then let's eliminate the lie. It's the easier way to do it because we'll run on with the thoughts in our own minds, and sometimes not being able to get it out to someone else. We sit with it for so long that when writing, again, it gives you the option to when you can't get to a person to say, Oh, you know what? That really, that's not what I'm trying to do. That's not what I want to face, or that's not what I want to confront. I won't I won't do that more. So, yeah, that's just a little bit of me.
SPEAKER_00Okay. All right, so let's get into the actual crust of this. And this is again, try a little tenderness. So we're going to handle some topics that are going to hopefully shed some light and provide some insight on people who are either in the season, need to be in the season, or coming out of the season. So, first question I'm going to put on the table is I'm going to read it. I'm going to I'm going to paraphrase it to give it, I guess I'm going to break it to the lowest terms. So how do you embrace the softness, the softness of femininity to enjoy the pursuit of your man? So I've heard on multiple occasions where women have asked or posed a question about whatever circumstance has created the precipice for them to become independent. And they've done it for so long that they now feel ingrained in a mindset and a way of life that makes it very difficult for them to allow or to enjoy a relationship, or giving someone else perhaps the natural role, or just sharing their lives with them. So, going back to the way the question was written, how do you embrace the softness of femininity to enjoy the pursuit of your man? I'm going to start with Lucy.
SPEAKER_02I'm going to have to say understanding that it's okay to be released from what you used to. Just because we do it in the roles that we we have done them in and the order we do them in, doesn't always mean that it is something wrong. You know, it's not anything wrong with us being in those positions. Um, I will say it takes a lot of patience when you're used to holding. And the only analogy I have right now, I can see myself sitting on the wagon with a horse and I got the two reins in my hands. When you're used to being the one who has to control the rhythm, where we're going, what time we get there, if we're gonna go, should we even make the trip? You know, it's difficult at times to allow someone else in your rhythm because now you set a standard already for yourself where okay, I know what I need to have done, I know how I want it done, but never having to share that role when another person comes in, it is it makes it just a tag. The adjustment is a little difficult. But when it's someone who you know that has, if he's shown you that he has your best interest at heart, he's gonna secure your heart, and he's not gonna lead you down this dark tunnel, then I would say give yourself that moment of grace to embrace just a little bit of your softness. It I mean, you don't you don't have to run into this full-fledged, oh, let me go wear some pink and get some furry dust. You know, like, woo, no, because you've done things, and I don't want to say masculine, because we're not masculine, but we've led for so long and had to do it, embracing it becomes a challenge. But again, when you have a person who shows you that they're gonna be tender in the places that you need the tenderness in, it does, it allows you to be become your true authentic feminine self. And I mean, I can only attest to that myself because I'm a little rough around the edges, but then being in certain places with my husband is like that girly girl, we like, girl, I like you. And I'll be like, yes. So I mean, it's a wonderful thing at the same time because it's something we've been deprived of. So I think the longing for it, once you you can sit in it, and like I said, be patient with yourself and embrace it. You're gonna see that your longing for your soft side is such a rewarding thing. It's very rewarding. I mean, I do. I like my soft side, but don't, I mean, I mean, I can jump back over to the you know the other side too, but I mean, I like my soft girl.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Now, we had this conversation a couple weeks ago. And you just said it again, and uh I find it interesting. I think I'm gonna put this on the table before the two young ladies say something. To go back to the original question that ladies seem to ask is or situation creates. I'm so used to doing it all by myself. And nine times out of ten, in my experience, is speaking about doing everything within the home. They're speaking of doing both roles. And remember, I said to you that I believe in some cases the masculinity came before motherhood. I believe the masculinity has something to do with something that may have happened or did not happen before they became a mom. Because doing both roles doesn't require masculinity. It does it. Sometimes masculinity comes off as anger, comes off as hurt, and it's masked under masculinity because it's aggression. So they automatically say, You're coming off like a man. But the qualifier is that that was already there before you became a mom.
SPEAKER_02True.
SPEAKER_00Because a lot of our ladies have something traumatic that happened before they became a mom. And doing it again, now I'm not gonna get too deep on this, but perhaps if it's abandonment and now you have a child without the father there, that's gonna trigger your abandonment, which is gonna you're gonna double down on your aggression.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00So the I just wanted to put the qualifier in that I don't believe that masculinity always is required because you're a single mom. I believe in some cases that was there before you became a mom, and it just escalated or manifested because yet again somebody let you down.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna have to say agreed, and it's so crazy because we were just having this conversation earlier when we were talking about how people do, they they tend to want to label you and until you go back. Kenya and I were having a conversation earlier. Sorry about that. Um, and we sort of hit on some of those things, you know, while we are who we are, and like you said, those things we use to protect ourselves and not trying to be TMI myself. Um, but there was a situation that caused me to become very protective of myself. But then in becoming protective of myself, I still lost my voice. So I could protect my exterior or my physical being, but I still couldn't verbalize what I needed to verbalize. So my passive aggressiveness by shutting down by not being verbal was this gonna hurt you more than it's gonna hurt me because I don't gotta say nothing to you. So, but not knowing in victim mode, that's where I went to. So yeah, I mean, I I I will uh I will agree with you that it does start before motherhood and the layers do just continue to pile on. And before we know it, we're we're into the niche of I've had to protect me, so I know these people that I bought into this world now, I gotta protect them.
SPEAKER_00Understood. Okay, okay, Ashley and Kenya, who wants to tackle it first?
SPEAKER_01Um I'll go ahead and tackle first. Okay. Um how I try now to tackle the softness of um pursuing a man is um allowing, I mean, for a long time I had to work on myself and understand that um a lot of the things I allowed in my life, it was, you know, I allowed it to happen. And I had to accept that opposed to putting it on another person. Um also with that being said, now that I'm trying to pursue a man, um I have to have the patience to allow uh not I'm gonna say not gonna say allow, but for him to do these things as a man, even with just him opening up the door for me. That was that's that's a hard thing for me. Um I don't have anyone in a home. Um so it's just me. So I am used to doing a lot of things on my own, even down to you know, making sure the grass is cut and you know, plumbing needs to be done, you know, anything in the household. So when that man comes along, it's gonna take some patience because at times when I want something done, I want it done right then and there. I can agree.
SPEAKER_00Because we're gonna get the looks at this table.
SPEAKER_02She has a point because I mean, when you got when you're taking care of a lot, like you don't have a moment to sit back and say, Oh, I can wait till tomorrow. No, that has to be done today. Yeah, like right now.
SPEAKER_01And and having, you know, I think it would become a little easier for me as a woman to have that man there because the resources would be a little easier for me. You know, as far as like car breaking down. I gotta find somebody to, you know, you know, to honestly as a woman, because sometimes when you go into an auto body shop, they look at you and say, Oh, she's a woman, you know, she's gonna be taking it. She don't know what she's talking about or anything like that. Where, of course, as a woman, yes, I do have a dad that have taught me a little bit about cars and stuff like that, but it will be a little easier if I had that man there and I didn't have, you know, he can take that role of saying, it's okay, I'll take care of that. Yeah, it will make me feel a little like softness on the inside. Thank you.
SPEAKER_00Just to relieve that anxiety, yeah.
SPEAKER_01That can be a stress just to just deal with the little, I ain't gonna say little things when a car break down, that's nothing little, because that is a lot. That when that happened to me, it was just I felt the anxiety coming on, but I had to calm my nerves and take one step at a time. But like I said, if it if that man was there, it would take the pressure off of me. Understood.
SPEAKER_00So to clarify, you said pursue. Let me let me clarify pursue a man. Pursue to pursue, it means to be open to the notion of love. I don't I don't want to make it seem like I'm chasing a man. No, that's not. No, I'm clear, no, I'm clarifying. I'm just saying, I understand what you meant. I'm just saying that in the realm of this discussion, pursue is just saying you're open to the notion of someone and to love.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00So I was just clarifying that because you know, because I don't I don't want our listeners to say, oh, well, she said she's pursuing a man. You're supposed to let the man pursue you. Well, we just clarified all that too.
SPEAKER_01I'm very open to that.
SPEAKER_00Why did that sound up for this? Oh, this is gonna be a long podcast, bro. Okay, let's go. The floor is yours.
SPEAKER_03For me, it's more of a time thing because I have been single for a while. I have been married before. And when you go through a marriage and then you become single, you tend you have to reevaluate yourself. So you know what you don't like, dislike, that, that, and third. But it really is going to take time to embrace that softness. For me, it makes me cringe for people to do stuff for me. But it does. It really does make me cringe because, like she said, like you're in the house by yourself. You're used to taking care of things by yourself. But you do get to a point where it's like, dang boy, if I had a dude, if I had a man, this would be great. But you got to allow yourself to get there. And for me, it comes from rewiring of my brain. Because some people, you have a sense of why is he doing this? What is the agenda? What is the hindered agenda? Is he going to do this for a certain amount of time but then switch up on you? And it's like, no, take that man for who he is. He is showing you you know who he is. Believe it. If it switched, then it switched. But take it as it comes because if you go to thinking beyond that, you get in the way of yourself. And you could potentially destroy something before even really get started.
SPEAKER_00Facts.
SPEAKER_03So embracing the softness, you just remind yourself, I am woman. Be that woman.
SPEAKER_00Okay, Chucker Khan.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Just Chuck Khan. Chuck C. But don't destroy your, you might be destroying something before it gets started. Just take it as it comes.
SPEAKER_00Try a little tenderness.
SPEAKER_03Try a little tenderness. Absolutely. Because if you if you don't, you're going, you're going to still be handling that car by yourself.
SPEAKER_01Okay. And that I don't want to do.
SPEAKER_00Check please at table number three. You do not. Okay, so let me, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm just gonna be real short from a man's standpoint of dealing with a woman that has this um this angle of life.
SPEAKER_03Good word.
SPEAKER_00It's frustrating. And let me, first of all, not speaking of my wife. I'm speaking of the when I was dating, dealing with this, my frustrations from a man's standpoint. By the time I got to my wife, I had done my work. And when you find your forever, it doesn't matter what they do. You're gonna always be there. It just doesn't matter. So um, your cup never runs out, your cup never runs over for your forever. Um she might spit a little bit. It just doesn't. So dribble out a little bit. Just a little bit, just a little bit. So again, before I had done my work, it was very frustrating and I was raw about it. And I remember my saying, and I want to go to the raw aspect because this may reach some men. For me, I was very angry, and I would say, I'm not gonna argue with you about my natural role. That makes sense. Why am I gonna fight with you about what I'm supposed to do? I I that doesn't make sense to me. I'm not going back and forth with you about what I'm naturally here to do. If you want to do it, then do it and lose my number while you're at it. It's it's an uphill battle. I just for men, for me, and this is what I used to say as well you fight for your quote unquote independence, and then you get a man that depends on you working out of order and complain about it. You picked them. So you want to move out of order, you're gonna stay out of order. So it's it's gonna be your person that you are willing to fight with and go in. And I said this to you a lot when we were dating. I don't have a problem with going in the fire pulling you out. You're the one. Going into a fire is a potentially life-ending thing, and you only do it once. And I've never ran into a burning house until I met you. So no matter what you do, and you were doing it, I've never seen anybody on the fourth floor that refuses to come out of the front door while the house is on fire. But it didn't matter. I would go up to the fourth floor and get you every time.
SPEAKER_02Yes, you did.
SPEAKER_00So when you find your person, it doesn't matter. And and the reason I settled on this is to say when you are ingratiating yourself and making your presence vulnerable to someone, please make sure it's the person that's yours. Because every time you step over a line at the cost of yourself and it fails, it really hurts you. A part of you dies when you waste it on someone who isn't worth it. Try a little tenderness. So the next question is gonna be, and Kenya alluded to this, so she will start this one off. What specifically is doing your work, and when do you feel is the right time to step back out into the world?
SPEAKER_01Well, for myself, um the last five years I've been working on myself identifying things that um I felt that I had to identify for as far as myself was concerned. Um I knew for a long time during that five years, I was not ready for a man to come in my my room because I knew I had a lot of toxicity going on with myself.
SPEAKER_00Okay, that's big. For you to actually recognize that and basically put yourself in timeout, that's that's big.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I did. Um I knew I wasn't ready for that one to come in, come in yet. So now that I've recognized a lot of things, um I'm ready for that one. Okay. I'm ready for that forever. But the level of work that I've done for myself is gonna be a little different with the work that I have to put in for this person that's coming into. Um and it goes back to the softness. Okay, being soft for this person and not bringing out that masculine thing of I can do this on my own, allowing him to come in to be available. So um at this point right now, um, with experiencing um someone, it feels really good. I don't feel that anger on the inside like I used to. I'm able to have conversations that makes me feel good, even with a simple phone call. It puts a smile on my face.
SPEAKER_03Like that high school girl.
SPEAKER_00Look, look, look, real, I'm gonna tell y'all something. Real, I got a bunch of stories, but let me tell y'all something. Look, last night we went to my folks' house, and this same person called, and I've never seen anybody light up like this woman over here.
SPEAKER_02Like a whole Christmas tree. Man, in New York Times Square.
SPEAKER_00The folks, she like, look who it is. I was like, oh my gosh, I've never seen anybody light up like that in my life. I man, I look, I'm gonna tell you something. I thought she was radioactive. I ain't lying, she was lit up. Look on her face. Okay, time in. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_01But one thing I can say, and I know I've said it to Lucy, and I've also said it, um, that I've always said, because I have been married before, and the trauma that I went through with that and other relationships, it made me feel like remember I said I never wanted to be married again. But this feeling of me feeling what I'm feeling now, this person is making me have the mindset of change. Okay. Okay.
SPEAKER_03That's the positive.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Yes, yes. So he unlocked every door inside of you. He's a landlord. He's a keeper of your love.
SPEAKER_03He changed on all that too.
SPEAKER_00These are the new pips. Ain't no glad as night. Just the pips.
SPEAKER_01I mean, when I say it's scary, it feels scary. Because the connection that I've had with this person, it makes me feel like I've known him forever. That's another thing that makes me feel good. And that's where the softness comes in. That's why you sort of blush. Like right now. L E D light. But you know, there's it's still a process. Yes. Right. It's definitely a process. I mean, there are some things that, you know, both of us, not just myself. I mean, because I I do see some things that I say, I don't like this, but I have to come back and say, okay, well, let me have this conversation with him to let him know this is how I'm feeling. And I notice even with the conversation, he has made the change. So, yes.
SPEAKER_03You're gonna make me take a lap around this topic, girl.
SPEAKER_00You can take a lap, but after you go, go ahead, you got to run a place to finish this question.
SPEAKER_01So, yeah, there's a different level of work putting into when you're pursuing that man.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the floor is yours, Ashley.
SPEAKER_03To piggyback off of Kenya, because I feel like we're in the same boat. I have been married and I am single. I've been single since 2018. And after that marriage, after I got over my anger, I had to really sit in that stuff, like, okay. Yes, there was foul play on the other part, but I also had to evaluate myself to say what part in my marriage did I play because it didn't just go from one from A to B. It took some traveling to get to that B before the discretion. So it took some time, it took some work. Um, I had to surround myself with different kinds of people.
SPEAKER_00Come on now.
SPEAKER_03Because the people that I was surrounded by were negative, and I was negative with them. Like I I played into it, I had the conversations, you know, you talk down on the other person, this, that, and the third. But when you really sit by yourself and listen to yourself, God gonna let you know who you is, and when he shows you, it ain't always pretty. So I had to deal with that. Not just for me. I have a daughter that was in the home with me, so you gotta get yourself together pretty quick. I realized I was ready when I felt like, okay, I'm at my end point, I'm at a blocking point with my work. So now I need to put it to test to see if my work really worked. And I would have conversations with Luciana. That's not my name. What's my name?
unknownLulu.
SPEAKER_03Lula May. Thank you. I had a conversation with LulaMay, and she put a lot of things in perspective for me, and it it really showed me who I am. Like, okay, Ashley, you really are this person. Like, put your word to you sometimes. Like, go ahead, just try it. Just step in the water. So I stepped out there with cold. Ooh, Lord. Dip that toe and take it back out. But that's your soul. No, it chilled me to the bone. But I stepped on faith and you know, I have a guy that I'm talking to. And like King said, it feels good. Well, you got that person there. And I gave him a hard time. I ain't gonna go lie. I give him a hard time. Because it's and it's not even him, it's me. I know it's me sometimes. It's me. I know it. And I gotta get out of my way. So powerful having people in your corner to help you filter as well as the person you're in connection with helps a lot. Especially when they understand what you're coming from, where you're trying to go, and they understand you're still a work in progress. It makes you feel like, okay, I can do this. And it does it make you light up and it it come on.
SPEAKER_00It's okay. It's okay. Come on.
SPEAKER_03You feel appreciated.
SPEAKER_00You deserve it.
SPEAKER_03And everything you went through means that much more when you find that person. Just don't lose yourself. Because you might not find the same person.
SPEAKER_00That's right.
SPEAKER_03So when you have that person that can do that for you, pray over that. Pray over it constantly. Because there's the devil's gonna come because they don't want to see you happy. So just pray over it.
SPEAKER_00That's right.
SPEAKER_03Touch it till you work. So my question to the table is.
SPEAKER_00Wait a minute. Lucy got an answer.
SPEAKER_03Oh, okay. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_01So raise your question. What's your question? Well, can I say one last thing to her? What I had to do, I prayed on it. And I basically asked God, if this is meant for me, you would allow it to be. If it's not, you would dismiss it. And I had to let it go. Because I believe God has my best interests at all costs. And he is not stirring me wrong. I have seen some things that have been some major changes in my life when I allowed, when I just let things go. When I released it, it things have showed up in a light for me that gave me clarity. Now I'm not gonna say everything is perfect because I got some other things when it comes to kids, you know, to try to disturb my peace.
SPEAKER_03But you know it.
SPEAKER_00Divish kids.
SPEAKER_01But like you said, when you have friends like Lucy, I do lean on her a lot. Um because she can give me that understanding.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01As a friend. So with saying that, Lucy.
SPEAKER_02So um, what does doing your work look like? Um, so for myself, um prior to my husband, I realized I was in a relationship where I kept saying, I don't want to be like you, the person that I was with, not knowing that I had picked up traits of that person. So I was mirroring that person. And when one excuse me, one day um I got up and as you said, I said, God, show me me. This this is really not about nobody else because I can't change nobody else. I I can't adjust nobody else. I'm not a chiropractor, I can't do no adjustments on you, but I do know who I can do work with. That's me. And as as you say, some of the stuff I saw, who my lord. I was like, not me. He was like, no, that's you. You keep thinking that you can say what you feel like saying, how you want to say it, because oh, that's what they said to you. That does not give you the right for you to come out your mouth. I'm not telling you not to stand up for yourself and defend yourself, but there's there's a tack that you can do this with. And sometimes my tack is not you saying anything at all, just be quiet. So in a season of doing my work, it became I need you to be quiet. So I couldn't do the the tit for tat and the back and forth. And I was like, God, like, how long? Like, how long I gotta sit here until I feel like you ready? And for almost three and a half years, I sat in that with the other person still in the house, still going back and forth and just berating me. And I can't go back and forth with you like that. I made my physical man, my natural man. And I had to say, okay, God, I'ma sit with it. I'm okay with it. And then as I progressed, he started showing me other things. I couldn't put words to what putting my work in was, but I had plateaued in certain places with doing my work, figuring out how to talk differently or how to address things differently. I may not have the exact like this made me this way. And meeting my husband brought out where I could put a name to a thing immediately and say, oh no, that's abandonment that I feel. I feel like when we in the midst of conflict, every moves love. I remember Kenya, I was telling you earlier, I was riding back down 301 one day, coming from back down here. And I had my notepad on my driver's or my passenger seat. And Clear Zag, I was like, you and conflict need to have it out. Until you understand that because there is conflict doesn't mean the absence of love. Conflict means even in this conflict, we can work through this with the love that is needed. So that was the next step of me doing my work because if I felt conflict was coming, I would abandon you and not leave you. But I don't want to address that because I don't want to cause tension between us. I'm afraid now I'm gonna lose you. And as last night, reading the attachment issues, like not knowing what my attachment style was, and it was it was abandonment. So I hold on real tight. When it's something good because having to fight through all of the bad. I don't want to say bad because had it not happened, the appreciation and the growth and evolving wouldn't happen. I couldn't love my husband the way I do now. Had I stayed stuck into wanting to do back and forths. And if I'm a dance with you, I want our dances to mean something. He said, You need to be very mindful of your words. Because what happens when it's the last thing you say to him if it's out of anger? You don't get to live in peace. And you don't know if he's gonna rest in peace. And I didn't want that. So I tried, do I get it right every day? No, ma'am, no, sir. I am still a work in progress. But being with my husband has even catapulted me growing and putting in more work. My being here where I am now living physically has allowed me to continue to put in work that I probably wouldn't have been able to do nowhere else. So when I walk into this home, this is my sanctuary. And I tell her every day when I walk in, thank you for being available to me. Thank you for allowing me to walk back in here today because I don't have to walk through these doors again. So I have to appreciate where he gives me my peace at. This is it. So everybody wants to say, you don't want to come back to Marlin? Come back to Marlin and do what? The layers that have been shedded for me. The way my life, the new people in my life. I wouldn't have Ashley if I was in Marlin. I wouldn't have Kenya if I was in Marlin. We was in Marlin how many years ago? We went to school together. Did we know each other then? And then I have Kenya. I have Ashley. So even my community was surrounded by me is growing. So putting in the work means letting go instead of trying to hold on to that old sweater, that old teddy bear. God has his big blessing waiting for you. But if I keep holding on to the hurt, the disappointment, the abandonment, the rejection, what I need to get out of it will not come.
SPEAKER_00That was beautiful.
SPEAKER_02Oh shit. Jesus stopped.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so Ashley, did you write your question down?
SPEAKER_03I did.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Put a pen in it for one second. I'm going to give you the male spin of this. Because I too had to do my work. So after years of recklessly living, being emotionally unavailable and creating a number of pointless connections. It wasn't enough. I don't understand. For me. I'm not even gonna make it about understanding. For me, there was no thrill to any chase. There was no how many it wasn't. It doesn't make sense. It just doesn't. It didn't make sense for me to put it that way. Maybe I wasn't wired that way and I was living somebody else's life and God's like, stop it. 2014 was my last serious relationship. And I think I'd started my journey. And um that's when I knew for sure I was not gonna be in DMV to live. Relationship wasn't bad, um, but the end of it was just the fact that God showed me the work that I'm doing and I need to do doesn't include her. That's all I need to hear. I heard him tell me and give me the option. You can try to fight for something that is not for you, or you can trust me and I'll show you you're great. I walked away. A year later, I bought a home in just a year. Ever since then, and you've you've heard my story, and I've said it on a podcast before. This is when God allowed me to work. I I changed careers and everything. Allowed me to work and get everything I wanted to get. And this is me just indulging in life. Oh, I want this, I want that. And God's like, sure, get it all. Because you're gonna find out when you're done. And I was here, I was in North Carolina, and God gave me a home and gave me cars and all the stuff I wanted. I'm sitting here, I'm like, A, I don't have anybody to share it with. And B, I feel awfully empty. And I can hear God saying, I told you. So now this is the blessing and the same of a lavish curse. Now I have the responsibility of trying to qualify or entrust someone with all of these material things of the world that God probably told me don't get. So again, I said, all right, God, well, I got that wrong. So since I'm a little um spiritually immature, let me stand in this season and work. Um I became more spiritually mature, and I allowed, I allowed God to come through me and get out of my own way. The one thing that I did, and I just had this conversation last week. The two things I did, okay. I stayed under instruction and I allowed him to break me. Time and time again, we as men, because society is so critical about what a man is, we spend a lot of time trying to prove to people who aren't God what a man is. And you will continue to stray, you will stay bonded by what a man thinks when God clearly says, put your trust in no man. You will clearly, clearly keep trying to prove yourself to someone that's not worthy. Because they're not even your life mate. That's like with the person God sent you, and you worrying about them. This is what we do as men, because that's what society says. But God also says you listen to him, no one else. I had to turn the noise down, I had to listen to him. And after he broke me, he rebuilt me. And of course, um I wasn't a valedictorian, I probably wouldn't be honored. So after a couple of failed homework assignments, and a couple of, you know, uh, my mother didn't sign it, or you know, you know, I messed some assignments up, but you know, I I always knew that to keep faith and be serve and merciful God, always knew that. So, and I remember telling the story that we've been friends on Facebook forever, and I never saw you were author. But today, these just jumped off the page like author, ooh, because I wanted to write me a book about well, that's another podcast, but so for all intents and purposes, I slid in your DM, you know what I'm saying? Like, hey.
SPEAKER_04Okay, good old friend. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Hey, well, talk about this, talk about this book, and you know, yeah, you know, say, well, you know, let's have a conversation, you know. And again, I was pure intent. I had I really accepted just my punishment. Because gotta say, look, you married everything on earth. You want a wife? Go walk your house down the aisle. And I accepted like, look, I can't, I'm, you know, a fool and his money. I'm like mist on the color purple with that little ham in the middle box. I accept it. So, you know, my wife and I, we know each other since 1981, and I've never known her as a woman. And she called me like, hello. I was like, ooh, how you doing? So, but you know, it again, there was respect there because she and I had known each other so long. And we went out a couple of times, and I just I was blown away. I'm just like, wow, God is this what you're trying to tell me? Like, even a dummy with everything he thought he wanted of man and nothing of you. Did you just send me the end?
SPEAKER_03Hey, did you tell me? There you go.
SPEAKER_00But the moral of the story is, you know, he like your big dummy, she was there the whole time. You're a funny guy. I'm trying to tell you, I was too busy looking everywhere else. Well, to be honest, I'm tall and I was looking over her. So to be honest, I mean, so you know she's big in presence.
SPEAKER_03Don't do that.
SPEAKER_00You're absolutely right, because uh yeah, boy. That's another podcast, too. So anyway. So, you know, just to get to just to get to the end of this, um, you know, I even when she and I, I I approached her about I was my own student, and I've always preached. If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. Everything I did with Luciana at the time, we were nothing, was different. Everything was different. It was like, I'm playing a long game, this is forever. I'm whatever you say, God, put some hard shoes on and walk, whatever you say, I'm gonna do it because I'm trusting this is it. And when we finally came back together, I didn't waste any time. There was a couple of bumps, and that's just the mortal side of she and I. And I remember when within our existence, this new existence, I had some time to myself. We're not gonna go into that. So within that season, I definitely there was I had a friend that we called the occupant, and she occupied my time for my season of aloneness. Um so I remember specifically knowing it just didn't fit, it wasn't gonna work, and it just wasn't gonna work. And I've always told people whenever you feel like you want to really have God move in your life, pray in silence and ask God to remove anything that isn't of Him, bind it up, remove it, and intercede on your behalf. If you really love God, do it. You're gonna find out. I did it. Shock you. I did it. And here's the thing I think I prayed, I prayed that specific little part of the prayer about interceding on my behalf on a Thursday. On Friday, she was gone. On Saturday, Lucy called me. My story is not only did he remove, he restored me the very next day.
SPEAKER_04Hey, don't waste time.
SPEAKER_00He was like, Look, dummy, I'm gonna give you the whole package and I'm gonna see if you can handle it.
SPEAKER_03He know you.
SPEAKER_00Hey, hey, I ain't know me. I said I ain't messing up this time.
SPEAKER_03He knew you.
SPEAKER_00Hey, I'm glad he did because I didn't know what was going on. Because Friday, I was like, look, I'm gonna solo dolo. It is what it is. Look, I whenever you choose yourself over somebody, that's bad. I would be by myself and be with you, and that's exactly where I was Friday at 8 30 p.m. But Saturday by 10 30 a.m., I was like, hey, what's going on?
SPEAKER_01Thank you, though.
SPEAKER_00So I said on it to say just a couple of points for men. I understand that we are taught to be strong, but there's strength and weakness. Also, allow God to break you. He will never build on anything that is not purely his. Now, Ashley, you had a question you wanted to put on the table, and by all means, put it out there.
SPEAKER_03My question is can your work be a hindrance for pursuing a man?
SPEAKER_00Can your work be a hindrance? I'm gonna say yes. Because that's why I pacifically ask, what is doing your work? I think people get lost in the notion of doing your work. If you're not pacific, then how do you know what you're doing? You just hide behind, I'm doing my work. Who's doing your work? You wash the dish. Because, and I've I've said this, I've said this to you all. Men are very intentional and deliberate. You need to be the same way about what you're doing. You can't just tell people I'm doing my work. What does that look like? What does that look like? I'm doing my work. You can't even identify what your work is to do it.
SPEAKER_03Because probably you ain't doing it. It's just a figure of speech.
SPEAKER_00Check, please. Some, you know, I absolutely believe you can be in your own way by just being comfortable with the greatness and the lack of specificity that allows you to just exist. You feel good, just say I'm doing my work. Let me go hide under it. You gotta step out. Yeah. Everybody else is saying that it's a catchphrase. I'm doing my work. Okay. Tell me what your work looks like. Oh, you're judging me. What? What are you talking about? I just asked you a question. But that's none of your business.
SPEAKER_02You're right. But you know what? But that that this makes sense now hearing it. I mean, because I've heard them say this doing your work. That's just like going on a new job and they train you. They train you for X amount of time, and then they put you to see if what they train you with is now applicable. So now you got to make it applicable in the position that you're taking. Hello. Yeah. So nobody's being judged, but wherever you've been at, what level and doing your work does not mean that if you're starting at phase one, that does not disqualify you from anything. Nobody's judging you on level one, but that's where you got to start at. We gotta start somewhere. Yeah. Start in truth. Exactly.
SPEAKER_03About what it is you need to work on. You're never gonna get where you're supposed to be.
SPEAKER_02If you're in denial that you yourself don't need work, you have walk past that mirror again, please.
SPEAKER_03No funds.
SPEAKER_02But they say you don't have no unemployment account over here.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_00Well, ladies, we have already hit an hour. So we're definitely gonna have to do a part two of this because I have two more questions, but we are not going to do them in this. I'm going to go around the table and ask you, ladies, for some conclusions and your thoughts and your experience of being on Move the Crowd. And then I'll close it out. We'll start with Ashley.
SPEAKER_03My thoughts on this today was very clarifying. It brought awareness to me to let me know I'm not alone. And anything is possible through a village. And you have to trust your village. And that comes with trusting yourself to choose your village wisely. Do the work, love yourself, and give yourself grace. And that's all I have to say.
SPEAKER_00Miss Kenya.
SPEAKER_01Um, my conclusion with this is um basically to continue to put in the work because work is never done. Um, love on yourself and enjoy the process.
SPEAKER_00That part. Yes. That part, yes. Well, honey.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna have to say um in doing your work, do not diminish your small beginnings. Don't look at those things as, oh, that it's not, I'm not doing a lot. I'm just Rome wasn't built in one day. So if you want to shore up foundation, take one step at a time. For myself, I've run a three-ring circus in my head. I don't know if I should be listening sometimes to the ringmaster, the goddamn clowns trying to all hop out a small car or the acrobats over there. I'm like, which way do I go? And turning down noise to understand I have to focus on one thing. And that for me goes back to writing things out for yourself. My husband always says, Write it out, write it out, write it out, write it down so you'll know what you're doing. Because if I don't, then I'm trying to tackle too many things at once. Take this naturally in all women, but um, I think at some point when we're trying, as we're saying, trying to do the work, we have to put the focus on one place. And until we've evolved in that place and see that the work we have put in is now able to be put out in the earth. Now we can go on to stage two. Because in stage two may say, okay, well, I want you to take on focus and reorganizing something with yourself. So you may get two things in the next stage. And whatever you're doing, turn down the noise and trust your process. If you feel like you have to sidestep or you feel like the old stuff wants to bring itself back, go to somebody in your village. Get a good listening ear who can say, that ain't good. Don't do that. Or you know what? That makes sense what you said. But how about you try it this way this time? Not to tell you that what you're feeling or what you're experiencing is not to be validated because it is, because you're feeling it for a reason, for whatever reason. But trust it, just gotta filter through it. Yeah. So, as always, love being on the podcast with you, honey. You're my landlord. You're my keeper. This is a family show, got them keys, and and we are married, and God says He is pleased. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00Amen. I want to thank my guest for tuning, for coming on the show with me. And like I said, I pray for it to be a part two. And I plan on enjoying my my sisters a lifetime, Lord. As long as the Lord gives me life, all of us, life and breath in our body. I plan to enjoy these women. I thank you guys for coming into our platform, allowing me the honor and the privilege to be ingratiated with yours love and presence, to have positive women, to have beautiful women with beautiful souls and beautiful minds, to support my wife, to support myself, to support us, and allow us to support you. It's a very gratifying and humbling thing. So many people strive for the type of adoration that I have for all three of you. I don't know all of you all's stories, but I can see the parallels that all three of you share. I I love all three of you all. I um I appreciate you all's resilience. I appreciate your tenacity. I appreciate the way God saved you, the way he uses you, and the way he is blessing you to compel a different aspect of the world to your lineage and to your existence. I don't take I don't take it for granted that we are at this table because God said so. I trust the both of you with the people that I love dearly. We trust you with them. And for me, I'm gonna speak for our home. We couldn't be happier with our choices.
SPEAKER_02Exactly.
SPEAKER_00I I thank you all for your work. I thank you for the pursuit of spiritual perfection that you all are attempting to do daily, every minute. I'll say keep God first, keep working on your soft side, stay open, and allow God to bless you. I pray that everything that was said on this podcast tonight did not offend, hurt, or fall on anyone's ears in the wrong way. We had no intent and no ill will to say anything of that nature. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I pray that the Lord keeps you for the next installment of Move the Crowd.
