"Remove the Crowd"
A thought provoking experience to cover topics and views. Striving to empower a community of people to be better. Say uncomfortable things to bring understanding how to create comfort in the same space ♥️.
"Remove the Crowd"
The Man in the Mirror (Self transparency of Men))
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A sit down with (3) of my Brothers to discuss their viewpoints on how they feel about the view of manhood.
Welcome to another thought-provoking experience to explore how people view topics of the world. We offer viewpoints and opinions all in good faith for the sake of growth with one another. Dare to step out of your box by joining me, your host Fleetwood, to bend the needle. Because I like to crowd. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode of Move the Crowd. Today we're going to get into kind of a touchy subject, but I'm going to make this really insightful. I think it's going to be a slight dive into transparency into things that man can see and not see or to talk about. I am joined by three of my phenomenal brothers. And I'm going to let them introduce themselves. And then we're going to dive right in. So first, whoever wants to go first, y'all go ahead.
SPEAKER_08This is Anthony. I guess um a little bit about myself, a father of two, um here with my fellow brothers. Just conversate. Really?
SPEAKER_04Okay. Okay. Welcome to the show, brother.
SPEAKER_07I guess I'll go next. Um Milton. Uh baby brother. Slash newest addition to the group. Happy to be here. Blessed to be here.
SPEAKER_09Welcome, brother. And I'm Bryant. I'm here. That's the cousin. Yeah, that's about it. You'll get to know a little bit more about me as uh as I talk, as he moves the crowd. Exit is this way.
SPEAKER_05Welcome as well, brother. Welcome, welcome. So, I'm gonna title this The Man in the Mirror. That is gonna be the title of this podcast, The Man in the Mirror. So, let's dive right in. So, the first question, topic we're gonna talk about. Here's the question, fellas. How does finance and possessions affect your view of you as a man? I'm gonna let Bryant start it off.
SPEAKER_09I was hoping I wasn't first. I know, that's why I picked you. That's fine, but of course I have something. Um as far as me, um I personally um view myself, you know, as a man, not because of what I have, but because of who I am. So if you take the house, you take the car, you take um the amps. Yeah, you can take the amps. I actually have some extras you can take. Take the speakers, which powers amps. But if you take everything away from me, I'm still Bryant. I'm still a person who believes in integrity, um, being um honest as a fault, and just caring about um others that are within my space. Um, and even just uh yeah, so as far as possessions, um, it really don't you know matter to me. Um I'm married, so as far as finances, I know that um being married and also being a father, um, it's about sharing and about uh being unselfish. So money is just a means um to acquire things in order to support my family. Um I've had nothing in my account. I've had enough where there's two or three digits before a comma in my account. I'm still Bryant, whether a number is zero or if it's over a hundred thousand. So um I look at things as you know, it's just it it's just a status that maybe someone else cares about, but you know, I I'm Bryant, so I'm gonna I'm not gonna look at it like that. It doesn't define me. Um yeah, that's that's my answer to that.
SPEAKER_05Okay, that's that's uh that's a very bright answer. I know and this is I think this is why we are so loving of you. Because you're Bryant. That is you know, I've leaned on you a number of times for your wisdom, and I'm sure your wisdom is heavily stocked in you just being you and not being influenced or upfluenced by things other than the core of who you are.
SPEAKER_09Well, remember, I tell you, the first five minutes of that influence is is of God, and everything else after that is Bryant. So hopefully you got what you needed in the first five minutes after that God steps away and goes to someone else. Oh, the power of influence. But thank you. Um I try to surround myself with people who will who will challenge my growth to make sure I'm growing in the right way. And I take these brothers at the table have taught me something each differently in their own way, and I um and it's added to uh my own viewpoint of myself as a man. So I'm appreciative of that.
SPEAKER_05Absolutely. Okay, Brother Milton.
SPEAKER_07So for me, um being younger, I view it a little differently. Um I'm not into the looks and the fast cars and the jewelry and all that crap. But financially being financially stable is very important. Um as a man, being able to provide for yourself and provide for your family and to others where needed is very important. I will give my last to a complete stranger if the situation presents itself. You know, if I see a uh a person on the streets with the kid in the rain, I'll take my coat off and give it to them. It just all depends on the actual situation.
SPEAKER_05So give me some context about financial stability. I think financial stability is is subjective to each person in the situation. So, what is Milton's view of financial stability?
SPEAKER_07My view on financial stability would be uh a constant job. Not really a job, a career. Not blowing your money on meticulous things. Um making sure your bills are paid, making sure your kids are taken care of, making sure you know your life insurance is paid. If someone needs something, you have it. Car breaks down, you can get it fixed without robbing Peter to pay Paul. So just the general concept of life. You know, not going out here spending half my paycheck on a pair of shoes. Everyone has their things that they like to buy, you know. A lot of people stress shop, you're into this, into that, so you go and do it, that's completely fine if everything else on your checklist is already checked off.
SPEAKER_05Now, when you when you speak of stability, does financial stability include stability as a whole? When let me let me use the parameters of you saying, you know, make sure you're consistently working at your career. At what point does the consistency of your working needs to be reconsidered versus the balance of your time of availability for the same home that you're providing for? You have some people, and and I grew up with this, and I'm not saying this is wrong, is what my dad saw. A lot of men in the 70s who mimic their dads, they would work a lot and they would consider that to be a form of love. And they some of them would actually say it, you know, I put a roof over your head, I got food in your mouth, you have clothes on your body. So I I definitely love you. At what point, or how did you feel the balance, or where is the balance of career versus time spent with your home, not necessarily your children, also yourself. A lot of men, I used to say this a long time ago. A lot of men start out trying to, not even trying, a lot of men start out fighting against the world. Their hustle and their grind is me against the world. And somewhere in that fight, the world ends up on top of them. And they don't even know the world is on top of you and you're still trying to fight the world. Now you can't stop fighting because the world will crush you. So where do you feel that is? And have you found that? Have you found it? Like it so for Milton, where is the balance between home? And this, I'm not qualifying home, it's time with children, just home. Home is encompassed of everyone under that roof. Roof. Where do you find your balance or have you found your balance between financial stability with career versus home?
SPEAKER_07Honestly speaking, I have not found that balance. I'm looking for it, but I have not found it yet.
SPEAKER_05You got a flash flag looking for big mic.
SPEAKER_07Um recently starting a new career, um, trying to just get in and grind and progress rapidly will definitely blind side you. It will definitely blindside you. You feel like you're doing the right thing, because hey, I'm going to work every day, all day, making money to take care of XYZ and to do XYZ. But the small things, especially for children, you miss out on. And that small thing that, oh, I just I missed your field trip, oh, I didn't help you with your homework, or I didn't tuck you in, that's a lot to them.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_07And you're looking at one of them. Yeah, and even if you can be there for certain parts of that, you'll tire yourself out. You'll kill yourself, literally. Just stressing and over exerting yourself. And you can't take care of anybody if you're dead, so hey, come on, man.
SPEAKER_05You you preach it to the choir right there. It's very difficult to care for a home when you're no longer here.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. So it's very easy to be consumed in work and extracurricular activities, whether you have a side job, second job, whatever. Um, so you definitely have to find that balance. And it is hard to find that balance, especially when life happens. That's right. You know, you're behind on stuff, and I'm trying to do this, or I need extra money to take this trip, or my car's messed up. I have to put in the shop, so I need six grand real quick. Well, I would kind of probably get with your car.
SPEAKER_00Wait a minute. You need to get a new car. You need to pay your deductible. That's just an instance.
SPEAKER_07Six grand. My truck only costs sixty-two sixty two.
SPEAKER_09But in I'll say this, but in hearing that, that is, you know, you're you're bringing up specific um specific instances. Once those instances have been achieved, do you still grind?
SPEAKER_07Yes. There's a time to grind, and there's a time to relax.
SPEAKER_05Define grind. Let me let me qualify that because uh I think I see where Brian's going, because define grind. Matter of fact, hold tight. Write down what that is. Let's get to Anthony. So before we get before we go over here in the bushes and we ain't by a llama, you know. Keyword lamo. Right.
SPEAKER_09I got a reel. Going in the bushes with a push reel.
SPEAKER_04Come on, baby.
SPEAKER_08My my viewpoint is a little different because uh recently divorced for the last three years, coming out of that divorce, I viewed manhood from that social economic viewpoint was I need to be a man to stand on my own two feet and achieve and get these things before um finding someone else. Because uh outside of that, I'm not a man, right? So it took me a while to get to the place of um realizing that I made some steps that were counterintuitive, you know, because I did all of the things that I thought were, you know, this these things, which was purchase a home, you know, go back and finish school and do all these things.
SPEAKER_05These measures have a man that are based on something. So something something, right?
SPEAKER_08Yeah. And now I'm in a position where resources have been used up where resources probably shouldn't have. Because I've could have been in a space where I could have been building, right? Mm-hmm with a person. And if I would have been building with that person right now, I probably would have had two or three more properties because we'd have been doing this thing together. Facts, facts, right? So it's like these measures of a man that are out here that we think are not really there.
SPEAKER_04Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_08Right? Yeah. So it's like take these possessions away, and if I look at it the way Brian was, you know, my integrity and how I feel about people are very genuine. And people feel that. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So I should just stand on that alone. And the rest to come. And the rest to come.
SPEAKER_05Absolutely. Okay, okay. You know what I'm saying? So okay, so I forget about Grian with Milton, but I got one for you because he said something. So when you're speaking about how this agenda that we got, and I don't know if it's I can't speak for any other ethnicity of man. I I think it's specifically that that that has this agenda. And I don't know, because I'm thinking about Latin men, and it's almost like they're a throwback from the 70s. You know, they they just go out and work hard and work together to provide for the home. And it seems like that's fine for them as they're probably 40 or 50 years behind African Americans. That's no knock at Latinos because that's what works for them. But but coming into a country just like we were coming into our own 70s, I feel like that's where they are right now because a lot of the ladies are now starting to drive. Right. And if you ever see somebody moving slow in the Honda, it's probably one of them. That's no dig again, that's just my experience. So as I see the women who I can tell are just starting to drive because they are overly cautious. And I can remember when my mom and they started driving, it was the same thing. It was like, I would never go to my mother. Like, we lived in Siouxland and she wanted to go to, and and if anybody knows an area, she I remember here's a funny story. One day she was like, Come on and go with me. I said, Where are we going? She said, I'm going to Forest Village Park Mall. Like, where's that at? She's like, Well, the Kmart is. I said, Oh, Fordsville. No, I don't want to go. Because if I go with my friends or or dad, we'll get there in about five minutes. If I go with you, I have to stop and get a lunch. It'll take 20 minutes to get to the same mall. Because you stop at every light, you go to speed limit, and I just don't want to drive with you. So in the agenda, get back to the question, back to the agenda. Do you feel that the agenda that you found yourself trying to fulfill was pushed on you or it was given to you by well, I'm not even gonna try to actually give you what do you feel it came from? I don't even want to ask you X, Y, Z. I'm just going, where do you think it came from that so many men, myself included, because at some point, well, you know, for me, I heard it all the time from women.
SPEAKER_08But oh well, you're supposed to have this, but you don't have it. But but that's where it came from. It's like I think in in well, not think I know in my marriage, my wife wanted X, Y, Z. And it almost like, this is what a man is supposed to do. He's supposed to provide these things, get this house, get this car, take these trips, afford all of these things, or else he's not a man. Right. And as as all of these things started to fall apart, it was almost like, um, you're the man, won't you just take care of it? Won't you just do it? And I'm like, it's not my car. Like, we're no longer together. We're we're in this evolution of separating. So now I'm in this space of everything's 50-50. Okay, you know, so it's like that's how it was ingrained. Like, even today, as I'm dating, every woman is like, oh, you need to pay for this. Gender rules. Yeah, like come on, like in 2023.
SPEAKER_05Okay, okay. So, within that, to be fair, I want you to think about this, we come back to it. Within gender rules, gender rules of women who push them on men. How much of it is driven by what you were shown as you were grown up, which means you're emulating how your grandfather, your father treated you, and now you're pushing it on your mate, and how much of it you think is driven by TV, media, and the culture? Because both of them look the same, but they have two different sources. So that's a tough one. Yeah, I just I just stew on it, but come back to Milton with the grinding. What is grinding, Milton?
SPEAKER_07For me, grinding is prevalent. It's working, making sure, like I said, your household is taken care of. If I have to work, you know, 12 hours a day, six days a week for the next two weeks to make sure everything is done. I'm gonna have to get on my grind, do my job as the provider, as the head of household to take care of what needs to be taken care of. Um for different people, it's it's gonna be different. Um I was married for 12 years. She worked maybe three or four out of the 12 years. So I completely understand, you know, where you're coming from. Her car's messed up. It's my job to fix it. You know, I'm not driving it, but I'm paying insurance, I'm putting gas in it, I'm getting it fixed, whatever. I'm one person, it's a lot. It's definitely a lot. You wanna have the finer things in life and make sure everyone's okay, and you lose yourself in it.
SPEAKER_05That's the second part of the question. I was looking at it, how does that affect your view of you as a man?
SPEAKER_07Definitely lose yourself in it. And when stuff hits the fan and you can't take care of something, you're looked at as oh, you're not a man. You're less than a man because you're not a provider, you're no longer my financial backbone.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_07And if you can't do it, maybe you're not enough. Maybe I need to go out and find someone else that can do it. So I went from being, you know, past 10 years of this relationship, standing six feet tall to you telling me that, and now I'm an inch high. So what does that do to me? You can't get upset, you can't get emotional because you're a man.
SPEAKER_05Well, you're taught not to.
SPEAKER_07So we can't do that. So what do we do? You go and you work harder. What do we do? So me, I buried myself in the work.
SPEAKER_05So no matter how many times she moves the field goal post, you keep trying to kick the ball.
SPEAKER_07Keep trying to kick the ball, just that harder.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_07No matter how tired I get, I'm gonna make it. Wow.
SPEAKER_05Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna answer this and I'm gonna go back to Anthony about that question. I'm gonna say this to you first before I start, Milton. I'm gonna get this from a very wise man. You are enough. Yes, I echo that. You've you've always been enough. And you need to know you're enough. People who are not properly responsible in their relationships, no matter what the title is, does not have the right to have a lasting effect on your value. They just don't. You, Milton, have to forgive yourself, and you have to understand you've always been enough. That person wasn't enough to fulfill their obligation in that marriage or that situation, and they push their weight on you. I just spoke on this in my last podcast. When you come into a marriage, the two of you have a responsibility of growing into whatever season you're in, in your instance, to grow into a marriage. At some point, when your partner becomes stagnant or chooses not to grow within this new relationship and season the two of y'all are in, they shift their weight onto you. And instead of the two of you all fluently, joyfully going through your season of marriage, you now have to take the weight of them and drag it through your wet through your marriage. And that just simply isn't fair. You are enough. The man in the mirror. Okay. My spin on this, and then again to Anthony about um the different perspectives of how gender roles affect him or how did he feel in effects? So I'm a little bit of both more to the Brian side. I guess because I've never been a person to be a follower. I thrived off of telling people to go fly a kite. So I still do this day. I will not do something if everybody wants to do it just because you all are doing it. Because whenever a lot of people do things, there seems to be a certain buffer of lies that are nestled in it because people want to be a part of something. Time and time again, when I follow 50 people to go to one restaurant, all of them will say, Oh, it was so good because nobody had the kahunas to say it was nasty. It was trash. I don't want to be part of you all. It was trash. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. I went. And I went back just to make sure it wasn't me. Make sure I didn't have halitosis, make sure the service made a bad day. Both times, it was trash. So I learned earlier to stop following people because you're lying. Now, how that's relevant to me with finance, of course, in dating, and we've all been in the same area. I had women always challenge me about what I want to do and what I want to pay for, and I I don't want to, you're not worth it. You know, is for me, I had to understand that when my favor comes, I don't want to be mentally, emotionally fatigued. So the games you want me to play with this low-ranking gift of yourself, I'm good. I don't want to play that. The marriage is hard enough. And here's one thing I'll say to everybody listening for men and women, when you keep thinning yourself out while you're dating, playing games with other people, it will affect your ability and your emotional elasticity for your forever. You will not be able to go through what you need to go through for your person because you've spent yourself on frivolous, pointless relationships. It's called fatigue. You're not gonna be able to do it. I was aware of that. Um, I've always been private with my finance and or possessions. I just I've never got off showing off anything. And with Brian, it didn't make me. You know, I remember because I'm in two different cultures, I would come down here to visit to North Carolina, and they would see something, a car I'm driving. Oh man, that's a wonderful car. No, it's a car. I I don't see what you see. Your key and my key are the same. We put in the same ignition, turned the exact same way, and the car does the same exact thing. But they couldn't get past an emblem that was on the car. They couldn't get past it. It's like you do understand that if I hit that thing in the middle, just like you hit yours, they both stop. We both have red lights in the back. But they couldn't get past it. They couldn't get past how how other people viewed them in the car I have versus the car they have. And it was heartbreaking to see so many people completely dependent on other people's opinion of self. I remember a couple of times, I'm not gonna say a couple of times, it was one young lady that uh I'm gonna say I dated. I'm gonna use that term loosely, dated. Because she just we just didn't get along, and it was just inconsistent, and it was she just it was just something of convenience, to be honest. I really couldn't take her. She had a three-day span, I got tired of her. So I remember one time we were talking, and I was on, I was working for Goodyear. And because I don't do a lot of talking about me being the no more salesman in the country, anything, I don't talk about that, so she has no idea. I'm extremely lucrative at what I do. She was like, Well, you know, all you do is sell tires. I'm so okay. Well, all you do is work in the cubicle and live a miserable life. And you ask me to take you out. So make that make sense to me. And she instantly says, You're rude. So there have been times where society, again, agenda, like I was talking to Anthony, uh, there's been times that the agenda consistently tries to challenge you because you don't bend to the agenda. They will really challenge your worth as a man, however you make your career, they will just come after you relentlessly. Um, so it really never affected me. I'm actually the opposite, I actually was the opposite. I actually would hide my success, especially coming here to North Carolina, because I'm not gonna say I felt bad, but I do believe that the more successful you are financially, whatever way you are, it's your responsibility to understand where you're at and to monitor the temperature where you are. Because I'm 6'6, I had to drive a bigger car, so I can't control that. But I'm not getting out and with Gucci's on, and I don't care what I can afford. I'm coming home. And it's not my job to make them feel inferior to me at the cost of them. I've said for a very long time to step on someone else's head to elevate your life is just raw.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05So it affected me the opposite way. It kind of made me conscious, subconscious, self-conscious, I should say. I I just really didn't like the optics of somebody looking at me, only seeing what I had on or what I what I owned.
SPEAKER_08The man in the mirror.
unknownMr.
SPEAKER_08Briscoe. No, I think that gender roles is gonna come down to the individual, actually. You know, there's gonna be some individuals who draw off of um how they were raised, what they saw, um, and then you have others who are gonna be influenced by what they see on TV and on social media, especially right now and to this day. Yeah, like social media, especially the way they're pushing relationships and way they What relationships? Relationships, and that's the thing. It's like they if you if you look at Instagram, YouTube, and the way they push relationships and black love and the way it's supposed to look, like you will be sucked into that vortex heavily. Functional separatism at its best. I'll be honest, like it even caught me for a minute. You know what I'm saying? Because it you look at that and be like, damn, I want to, that's what I want. I want to experience that type of situation. Not knowing on the back side, that situation could be as toxic as a mug, but they're only showing you that surface piece. Yeah, they're not like even if it is real, they're not showing you how they got to that. Yeah. You know, that roadmap. So you ran into a burning house? Man, what? It's how to be here. It's like that mystical song back in the day. Call 991. That was burning. Call 991. So it's like it's it definitely depends on the the individual that you catch.
SPEAKER_05Okay. Okay. All right. Well, let's get to our second question. Brian, did you have any rebuttal to that? Because we were kind of you know winded on that. When I know if you had some more input on it, did you hear something that we were saying that you wanted to piggyback, want to give us more insight to?
SPEAKER_08It looked like you were trying to ask me something or say something when you was like it.
SPEAKER_09I'll say this. Well, society tells us we need to do X, Y, and Z. It is up to us to define what that X, Y, and Z is. If it's a car, you provide a car that's within your budget, within your means to be able to fix if something happens. If it is a house, it needs to have a lock, it needs to be in the safest neighborhood. You can't. If it can't be in the safest neighborhood, you can't know that it's something that you're building towards. You there's steps to it. I'm not in the first house that I bought now. I still have the first house, but it's it's not even my house, it's our house. And I mean, it's yeah, that's the thing. It doesn't even matter if my name is the only name that's on it, it's ours. Everything that I own is ours, whether I got it before we got together, I got it during, or if you know, there's no after because I'm I'm in forever mode.
SPEAKER_05Tin toes, yes, sir.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, I'm all in. Yes, sir. There's no there's there's no part of me that is outside of this. Yes, sir. Um, so it was just that. But my to answer your question, no, I don't have anything else to add.
SPEAKER_08No, but you made a good point because I just did this recently. I was working to be financially free, right? Uh-huh. I literally had canceled all my debt except for student loan. But because of dating purposes and that image that you portray, like I actually got rid of a car to go buy another car. And it was like chasing a ghost. But you're chasing a ghost, but it's like, in hindsight, the person that's actually meant for me, I don't actually need that. What I was driving, I was fine. So again, I'm the one who's harming myself.
SPEAKER_05Substance versus image.
SPEAKER_01Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_05All right, the man in the mirror. Right. As Mike said. All right, so question number two, fellas. And look, that was really good. Uh, that was some very insightful dialogue. Uh, appreciate you guys' transparency, and uh I pray that what we're saying is gonna help somebody. We have a lot of men that's stuck in the struggle, and we have a lot of men who don't have a platform to be articulate or to be heard, and that's what we're attempting to do now. So, what is the biggest struggle in you that stays in your rear view? Now, let me clear this up for you. Give you a little context, kind of water this down for you. I don't know of any man, I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I don't know of any man that is completely happy, content, overjoyed with their daily product of themselves. He's dead. Oh, good point. Good point. So what is I don't want to say nagging because that sounds so surface. But that's what it is though. I well, it no, it isn't. It's it's something it's deeper. It's deeper because it walks with you. What is the um I'm trying to find the perfect word. It probably it probably doesn't exist right now. So what is the one thing, there it is. What is the one thing that not one what is the main or the most visible thing in your head or the most influential thing that questions the validity of your purpose, of your manhood, what you see when you look in the mirror, what's that thing in the mirror, that bubble like a cartoon? Ah, you didn't do this, or it's over your head. What is that? And and so here's now here's the here's the qualifier to this. I want it to be something nobody can see. I want it to be something that you hide to yourself. I want us to be the fat girl cookies upstairs under the bed when nobody's around. That's what this is. I don't want you to say, oh, well, I didn't get the lectures I wanted. Nope, not that. That's too easy. Nope, nope, nope, nope. I want the thing that you are locking key, hiding it. You I just will not, I'm embarrassed. I wish I had more shoelaces. Something like that.
SPEAKER_08No, it is I actually just came to this realization as Brian and I was having this conversation about a particular person. I I actually my biggest thing is my fear of being inadequate and not being successful, like failure. And I think my hindrance of getting into something is weighing me down because I don't want to fail at it. Right? Because I failed before. Well, I look at it as I've failed before. Right? And and it's not just in that area, I think it's in in it's it's coming in every area of my life. Especially at finances, that's why I work so hard at it, because I don't want like it's like I'm getting emotional just talking about it. Hey, go ahead. You know what you hear for like it's it's we got tissue on the table. Is that that's the biggest thing for me? Is like, and I just uncovered it today. Being inadequate and that failure of failure in all spaces.
SPEAKER_05So being adequate in the failure and the fear of failure is what you feel handcuffs you. Yeah. Okay, let me pull my inner brown on this one. Every day you fail God. Every day you fall short of God, but he wakes you up. Yes. So what is your fear about? I can just let the mic go quiet on that one.
SPEAKER_08I guess it goes back to the what we talked about earlier, that that social norm and the influences from So in the person, we're not no names.
SPEAKER_05The person you're talking about doesn't care about that. But is but I'm saying, is your forever the world or is the forever your home?
SPEAKER_08That part. But I I guess it's not even so much about that person, right? It's about me.
SPEAKER_05I'm saying any person, whenever you decide it's gonna be that person, you have to decide, you have to understand it's that person, not the world.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_05But but that's what I'm saying. It's like I'm I'm still in the world. You but I got you, but as long as you're in the world, you're never you have to shut the world off. Off. Because just like I just told Milton, a wise man once told me, Anthony, you're enough.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_05And you're coming right behind Milton and saying I'm not enough.
SPEAKER_08That's the when I look at myself in the mirror, yes.
SPEAKER_05Okay, but uh in the in the space, I don't portray that. No, we're not talking about betrayal, we're talking about authenticity. There's a lot of guys that can portray something and betray you, right? So that we're not talking about that. Now, here's the context of that that is that is prolific. That Brian taught me this. So you say when I look in the mirror, are you marrying yourself? No, I'm not. So in the image of God, he woke you up, so he's satisfied with that. But the person that you're talking about, how do they see you? Unless you're marrying yourself, you're pretty hard on yourself about somebody you're not gonna marry. That's all facts. You so you're making your job harder by trying to make yourself perfect to marry yourself. Yeah, I ain't marrying myself. Then why you keep asking yourself about how you show up to yourself?
SPEAKER_08I can't answer that one.
SPEAKER_05Like, I don't know why I do that. So there's where your work starts right there. You have to that's if you got a question you need then when you go to any type of mental when you go to any type of mental stability or mental reevaluation or mental health or anything where you're considering trying to strengthen yourself and to embed yourself, start there. Why am I looking at myself so hard in the mirror when the person that may be my favorite doesn't see what I see? Right now, if you want to marry yourself, that's fine. You keep chasing your own ghost and by your own ring, and it can work. You can get a front of the pastor, you put on two different shoes, and you put the ring in your right hand to put on your left hand and say, I be wearing myself.
SPEAKER_04You can do it if you want to.
SPEAKER_08Right. And it's like dealing with my mental health, and I've been challenging myself whenever I'm doing that is to ask these four questions. Like, what do you want? What is the problem? What do you need to change? And what are you willing to do to make the change?
SPEAKER_04Okay, what do you struggle with the most out of those four?
SPEAKER_05What am I willing to do to make the change?
SPEAKER_04Then stop asking the other three.
SPEAKER_05You're diluting a process. It's called LCD. You have a 100% problem when 75% of it you already solved. Go with the 25% you keep struggling with. Why ask four questions when you stuck on one? Fix that one question. They may answer the other three by itself. By itself.
SPEAKER_08See, and that's why we're at this table tonight. Thanks, Brian.
SPEAKER_09Okay.
SPEAKER_05Okay, so I'm going to do the gentleman's call on this. Brian, do you want to go next to give Milton a reprieve or you want to get him while he's hot?
SPEAKER_09Dealer's choice. No, but I'll say it. I'll I'll go.
SPEAKER_04Um see, he's so gracious because Milton sweat bullets.
SPEAKER_07I wrote that second question down first.
SPEAKER_09I'll say my biggest struggle is um believing that I have the ability to fix. And it's not my job to fix. Wow. It is my job to be. Okay. Um, it's not my job to to fix behaviors. It's my job to be. You know, I I'm in no control of anyone. God didn't give me that power to change, to to do any. God didn't even say, hey, I want you to be this way. I'm giving you freedom of choice. And I'm a I'm a big proponent of choice. Uh you choose what you want to do as long as it doesn't, you know, impact me directly, indirectly, hey, stuff happens. We're all in this world together. But I have to stop believing that I have the ability to fix and continue just having the mindset of just being. Because when I try to fix, I take someone that is with flaw to try to fix a flaw when all I know is flaw.
SPEAKER_05Ooh.
SPEAKER_08Ooh.
SPEAKER_09So man, they had the knobrights. So I've got to, there's a spiritual mindset. My job, just like uh the parable of the sower, all you heard him do was just drop seeds. Drop seeds. He didn't hear him go back to cultivate, to pour water on it. I'm just to drop seeds. It's God's job to do all that other stuff. That's why he's here. Let him do. I'm just here to be. And so once I really understood that, you know, I was like, okay, then I became chill, then I became bright. Um, but it's always a struggle because naturally, as a man, you believe that you are here to fix. Yeah. You're just here to be. So fix is always in it's just three letters. F-I-X. It's just in the rear view. And as far as I try the further I drive away, I can still see it. It's not totally out of my rear view, which is why I asked that question. What does it mean? You know, because in the little thing you see in mirrors, you know, it's closer than what it really is. Yeah, closer. Yeah, nobody's gonna bring that up. So yeah, it's still there. You know, I was thinking like you know, I've learned not to look out my rear view sometimes because I can't trust, you know, because I'm gonna think that it's closer, and I'm like, oh, it's within reach. Maybe it's time for me to reach back. And nope. It's just to be. I'm progressing, I'm growing, I'm moving forward. That's what we're supposed to do. At least that's my thought. Because again, it's been five minutes, so we don't know how long what you should take out of this. But yeah, it's always just fixed.
SPEAKER_06Well, I like that thought.
SPEAKER_05I do too. So of course, Brian just said something, and and one of the, I feel one of the most prolific things I ever said on Facebook, I did a quote. Not really a quote. I said something that I thought was prolific at the time. And when you said it, it came back to me. I said, people will trust mirrors to back their car into space. But they will trust the mirrors to back up into a space and park their car. But you won't trust God who's in front of you with no wind, nothing in front of you. You'll trust mirrors to back up into a parking space, but you won't trust God on an open road right in front of you.
SPEAKER_09Because that goes back to control.
SPEAKER_05Never gonna stop. This is before the camera, you know, backup camera. Even that, you trust the backup, you trust all these different apparatuses to back your car that you work for into a parking space. But you want to trust God in yourself looking forward with no obstructions. Wow. The man in the mirror. I brother know, let's go. You know, wipe your head off. Come on.
SPEAKER_07Come through. Well, uh, listening to you, fellas, I actually changed mine. Oh, here we go. Here we go.
SPEAKER_00Here we go. Mr. Sambo. Here we go.
SPEAKER_07Initially, before it started, um, my biggest struggle was am I enough? And by the way, I appreciate that because no one has ever told me that I was enough.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_07So that's one of the things that I'm probably dealing with without knowing that I'm dealing with it. Acknowledgement. I'm not looking for it, but it feels good when you get it. It's letting you know that someone actually cares when you think you're there by yourself. So I do appreciate that. So it goes back to why me. Every time something happens, you take two steps forward, it feels like you're getting knocked back three spaces. You keep your head high, keep going forward, try to do what you need to do, but in the comfort of your own domicile, you have that split second to think, and it always goes back to why me. And for me, um the last four months, five months have been very, very trying for me. Um transitioning from homes, divorce, seeing my kids, and then jumping ship from careers. So it's been a lot of change. Super scary, didn't know what was gonna happen, scared to take that leap. And you helped me through that also. I had to not only trust in God, but I had to realize that I was my own worst enemy. I was holding me back, not listening. And I had to allow him to break me down, to build me back up. And as soon as I gave in, my life changed in two days.
SPEAKER_05That part.
SPEAKER_07Oh, glory to God, and I can't fathom to think how many times he's given me this chance, and I it goes right back to it. Why me? Why not you? Because am I enough? You are, you are, you've always been enough, so it's it's different for different people, but that's my whole testimony. So I appreciate you fellas. I don't I don't talk about a lot of personal stuff. You get the gist of you know certain things, but I definitely appreciate you fellas. Absolutely. Likewise.
SPEAKER_05Absolutely.
SPEAKER_09All right. You're gonna start calling me Pat Pap? I mean, if you're talking about appreciation, you're gonna start calling me Pat Pap.
SPEAKER_07That's what it takes. I change it in my phone right now.
SPEAKER_00No, this is Pat Boom now, man.
SPEAKER_05All right, let's let's see.
SPEAKER_04Biggest struggle for me.
SPEAKER_05Biggest struggle for me. I've always wanted this platform where I wanted to inspire. I wanted to help others that look like me. Always wanted to help, not go through what I went through, offer chances I wasn't given, authenticate moments that weren't there for me. And the hardest part about this for me is listening to God. Time and time again, I want to protect. Because that's my nature. I want to see you flourish. I want to see you be the greatest I see. And there have been times that when I've taken my hand off whatever God's will was, I didn't like it. I have one of my mentees that worked for me with Goodyear. And I've known him since he was a little kid. And I called him affectionately, I called him Buff. And um he came in one day, and I didn't realize he was old enough to drive. He came in and said, I want an order change. And I said, Hey man, what are you doing with yourself? He said, I don't know what I'm gonna do after school. And I had already started giving guys jobs because when I was in high school, they didn't have any jobs for me. So I got to a position where I became the hiring manager. One of the first things I did was went back to my high school and talked to my teacher because I wanted them not to go through what I went through. Because, like you guys are saying, part of being a man and learning to be a man is to earn. Nobody can talk to you about staying out of trouble when they can't tell you how to make money to stay out of trouble. Um, so Buff came in and he started working. And I would pour into him, and he grew up with me. I I knew his brothers, I knew his pops when he passed away, I knew his mom. And um he worked. He worked and um he excelled. And um, just talking to him, because of course he's not a robot, I want to talk to him and see what's in his head. Oh, yeah, man, you know, I'm gonna be part of y'all. You know, I'm gonna give me a car with a system and some AC and tent, and I'm gonna have some women. I said, Buff, don't ever chase what you see somebody else doing. Be you, man. This isn't all it's cracked up to be. If it was so much what you think it is, I wouldn't be at work with you right now. So he moved on, kept doing his thing. I said, hey Buff, I see that you graduated and you may need more money to establish yourself as a man. So, hey, why don't you come up front and let me train you and follow me on how to become a salesman? He was ecstatic. He said, Yeah, man, he comes up front. And this is one of the things I feel a lot of men struggle with. He didn't understand that there was a culture difference between the back of the shop and the front of the shop. And the shop right now is just a fictitious thing that is life. I said, hey buff, when you come up front, you can't have your head on backwards. You can't speak the way you speak in the back. You have to learn how to grow into this trajectory that you want. You can't walk into a different trajectory bringing the same flatness that you had behind you. You have to rise to the level. And he heard me, and he stopped coming with a shirt tucked in and he started articulating a little better. I didn't expect too much of it. I just wanted him to try. And then I moved on. I moved to Virginia, and one of the things he said before I left, he said, I'm about to get a motorcycle. I said, Buff, you don't need to get a motorcycle. Because I knew already he had already been installed in what people thought of him. So he wanted the motorcycle to be seen because at the time, well, still now, when the weather breaks, whoever has a motorcycle, all attention's on them. And at the time it was just him and his mother. I said, Buff, you don't need to do that. Your mom depends on you. He said, Alright. So I moved. I trust the process and I moved. I moved to Norfolk, Virginia. And I came back up, it's Memorial Day weekend. Came back up to visit. And I still didn't know he had got a motorcycle anyway. I didn't know. The minute I put my key in my door when I got back to Norfolk, my next tail beeped. And it was a friend of mine, Marco, and he said, Hey. He said, hit buff on his next tail. I said, Why was up? You need a tie or something? He said, No, he said, Ty is standing on Pittsburgh Avenue and looks like his bike is in the middle of the street, but he can't see buff and it's a car turned over. I said, Alright. So I keep hitting his his phone. I call. I send alerts. No response. And then uh Michael called me back. He said, he said, uh, he said, hey, stand down. He said they found him. He said it was him. And uh he's in the woods deceased. He was 26 years old. And um he was coming around Pennsylvania Avenue, a blind corner, and the car ran the light to go to Nova Avenue, and he hit the car broadside. He hit the car so hard the car was turned on his side and it threw him in the woods. The eerie part about this situation is it happened at Pennsylvania Avenue and Spaulding Avenue. Spaulding Avenue is where he grew up at. Where his legacy started is where it ended. And I couldn't be there to save him. I didn't know he had a motorcycle. I knew he didn't need one. And again, God is like, I need you to step on the side because my will is going to be done. It makes it extremely hard for me to hear God's discernment because he talks to me and I can hear him. And he says, Hey, I need you to move aside. You've done what I needed you to do. Now I need my will to be done. It's very difficult for me to openly accept God's will, not knowing what it is. Because what that possibly can mean is someone that I care about, someone that I love may not be here because that's his will. That's a very heavy responsibility that comes with a very beautiful mission of blessing. And it's not in my review, it's my whole view. I don't take what I do for granted. I understand that God blesses me to bless others. I appreciate it wholeheartedly, and I will do it every day, all day. But the flesh of me, the man of me, the loving component of me, always the fears. I'm not supposed to fear anything, but I fear one day God's will will take somebody that I love because I took my hand off of them. So that's my biggest struggle. The man in the mirror. So we got one more question, and uh, we're gonna get out of here. You guys have anything else you want to add to that before we get to this last question?
SPEAKER_08Not following that.
SPEAKER_05And you knew Buffalo.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, you knew Buffalo. And I know exactly where where you're talking about. Yeah. Because we lived across that life. So yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Okay. Who is an inspiration to you and why? Let's go with Milton first.
SPEAKER_07Um my number one is my mom. Hey, mom. Uh have always had what I needed for me and my siblings. Um, I've watched my mom do the same thing that I'm doing now. Bury herself in work to the point where it literally almost killed her. She, you know, started to have kids at a young age. She raised my oldest brother, who is now deceased, her middle brother and younger sister. From the time she was sixteen. She has always been a provider to anyone she cared about. Um I watched her work, two full-time jobs, take care of her husband, take care of her parents to their last days, take care of a child that wasn't hers, and never complained about it. She has always been my backbone. Regardless of the situation. She would be the first one to tell me you are tripping, you lost your everlasting mind all the way down to it's gonna be okay. I'm proud of you. So I really, really appreciate my mother. When I was younger, I didn't understand why I couldn't have things the other kids had. Financial creep at the early age. But why can't I get, you know? Why are you taking me to discount mall to get my shoes? Wait a minute, discount mall was cool. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You know, why I gotta go to discount mall? Why can't we go to, you know.
SPEAKER_04Four dudes.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. We stay the names. But I I never went without. I mean, through losing, you know, our home thought fire, she sent me to my grandmother's house. My grandmother lived in a one-bedroom, one bath right next door to us. Um, so my older brother, he was, you know, 17, 18 when it happened. So he went with his girlfriend. Me and my younger brother went to my grandmother's, and my mother slept out back of my grandmother's house in her car to make sure we were okay. And it touched her ball so much he gave her an apartment for the building that she was working for until we could get back on our feet. So I really idolized my mother because that's where my work ethic came from. My father wasn't there, so I had to learn how to be a man from my mom. And I I I appreciate it because she did the best that she could. So I definitely appreciate her.
SPEAKER_05Kudos to mom. Hi, Brad.
SPEAKER_09Jesus is my my life, health, and strength. That's what the Christian answer would be. But in reality, um, I'm inspired by a collective. I can't just pick one person because everyone who has been in my life has affected who I am today. You guys. I can I'll use you guys as the immediate. I was anti-guns. We remember that. I was anti-guns. I tried to put guns in my hand and I was I was against it. It was one my soul left the body and I didn't get it. Um but since then, and that was about uh looking about a year. Yeah. Yeah, a year ago. Um I will not name how many I have. I mean plausible deniability. Um but I had to be willing to be outside of myself to learn about something that I was anti. And it wasn't, and I grew up around it. I mean, I've seen them. Um, but I never wanted to be in a position where I was gonna take a life. But my brothers at this table educated me, it's not about taking a life. You know, you can still have that stance, but it's about protecting a life, and now I'm responsible for two more lives. Um, and so y'all think y'all brought me into your community. You know, I have other communities, other pockets, but y'all brought me into your community and y'all brought me um no, you're being transparent now. And transparently, you know, I I might sound funny, but it is a collective for me. So I can't say one person inspired me because I pick and choose. You know, I pick things from each person. You bring something different to the table. And that's the beauty about community. You know, there was something that you said about um you know, wanting to maybe you didn't say about wanting to own, but I heard about wanting to own, you know, if everyone has the same thing, then you know, there's really no diversity. Y'all trying to put guns in my hand. And if certain guns I'm not gonna get. As long as y'all have them, then I know that our community is cut. As long as we have them, you have them. Yeah, just hand it to me and I'll give it right back.
SPEAKER_05That's not true. That's not true. We handed you one today, and you didn't give it right back. I thought I did. I only took two shots. But then you didn't give it right back, you took two shots.
SPEAKER_09Because if I tried to, I would have put something else in my hand. I'm gonna choose this. Again, trying to get back to you know, bring it back around. Yeah. Um, without my community, I wouldn't be the Bryant that some of you esteem. I wouldn't know, you know, the positive things. To say or the way way to spin it. I've been educated from people who were born in the in the early 1900s, still feeding wisdom. People who were born, um, and even my son, born 2015, still teaching me how to be a better parent each day. So it's a collective for me. So if I had to inspire, I mean, you don't have a wall big enough to to paint everyone, even if they were like a fraction of an inch girl. I've been blessed to be um dropped in different communities. And when I walk out of that community, welcome into another community. So I'm I'm a part of everything. So that's where my inspiration comes. The collective.
SPEAKER_08Yeah. I I kind of echo that. Um, there's been a lot of people in my life. Um, but in these last three years, there's been three people who have been really you know inspiring me to elevate to to another place because I was in a dark place. You know, those first two people are my parents who I love and adore. Right? Um, I was in such a bad space um financially going through a divorce. They could see it. I actually lived with my ex for six months being divorced and was going crazy. I went to my parents, I showed them my budget, my finances. They was like, all right, you can do this, you can afford it. They went in their pockets to supply me with the what I needed to get out. And I cannot thank them enough because once I did that, um, I was free. The shackles were gone. And I was able to start building me. Right? Um the other part, and this this other person is my brother to my left, you know, Tony constantly checks on me to say, hey, bro, you good. Do you need anything? And just those phone calls and those talks to vent and walk me through and help me navigate this world that I'm going through has been more than I can say. You know, and it's and it's I don't know what I would do without this circle that's at this table right now. My cousin Bryant, Milton, like I would be lost because I don't have a circle this tight that it's all about positivity. There's so much negative in the world that you need to be positive. If you wake up and speak negative, you will be negative. The energy that you put out in the world is the energy that you're gonna get. And I wholeheartedly believe if you don't have a community of positivity, you need to change the people that are around you quickly.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_08So that's that's my inspiration.
SPEAKER_05Man, it's my turn already. My inspiration is my wife. The platform that I enjoy the things that I do, the world that I see, the world I enjoy, all opened when I had my wife. I'm one of those fools that ingratiated himself with different attributes of the world. I uh I don't think I was being careless, but nonetheless, I was acquiring things responsibly. I'll I'll give myself that grace. But I say the story all the time. God said, Hey, I'm gonna bless you with the ability to work. I was on the books for 124 hours a week for a year, and it afforded me to buy this house and to furnish it. And I remember, I said, God, just give me one more week. I got one more thing to get. And three weeks later, I still was doing it, and God touched me, and I ended up at the hospital. I remember laying there, and um, it wasn't worth it. I recalibrated how I saw things, and I got back into my spiritual maturity. Realizing that happiness in my life, how I see things, what I need to do, where I want to go, the people I want to affect, effect, love, be loved, I couldn't do alone. How the world saw me mattered to me. Everything that I do, everything that I've done, it means everything to me that I've done it as a husband. Husband, father, grandfather. Those three titles, honors, responsibilities, I have, and God blessed me enough for me to see it. He loved me enough for me to enjoy it and to have it. Some people won't will never see the three of those. I'm not gonna say I did it in the right order, but I got it right at some point. Nevertheless, the work that I'm doing, the work that I've done, the work that I plan to do, Lord willing, didn't start until I found my wife. I tell her all the time, she allowed me to feel complete. She inspires me constantly to be better. I don't care what we go through, I don't care how I get on her nerves, how she gets on my nerves, the level of need for me to be better never leaves. My desire to be better as a man, as a husband, as a person is almost as strong as my desire to never leave her. She inspires me just being beside me. I appreciate her drive. I appreciate her tenacity. But most of all, I appreciate the way she loves us. She is my driving force. She is my reason. She is my everything. My drive is simply because of her. Now, on this platform, I'm going to say this in closing, give you guys a chance. You guys say something closing. I'm going to say this in closing for me. I echo the sentiments that all three of you have said at some point in this podcast. I love all of you dearly. Bryant, your consistent tutelage, your consistent leadership, your consistent availability to me, my family, my home. It's second to none, brother. I don't care what I'm going through. What vein of anger I'm in. I can call Brian. And he is the anchoring God that I need. It just doesn't stop with you. That's why I call you Moses. I don't care what I call you. You just you always have the answer. Milton. I don't think you realize how much I love you. I've trusted you with my daughter. I've trusted you with my wife, my brothers, my family. And every single time you show up, you have never let me down. I know you never will because that's not who you are. You have always been enough. I apologize for not saying that to you sooner. I don't take it lightly how you love my family. I don't take it lightly how even on this platform you help others because that's who you are. I would do anything to help any of you at any time. And believe me, just the mere chance to bless you with bridging your transfer of life was all my honor. Being able to step in when you were worried about life, and God trusted me to say, Hey, I got somebody for you. That meant the world to me. That means God trusted me with you, your kids, and your future. And it meant the world to me. And I appreciate you for stepping in and understanding that God has to break you. If you don't let God break you, he can't have his way. You can't do it your way, you have to do it God's way. Stay encouraged and stay under his wing. Stay in your season of correction. I don't care if you don't like it. Stay in your season of correction. God is never going to show you what you think you want to see until you've done what you're supposed to do. You stay there. I don't care how it feels to you. You want to feel good? God doesn't care. It's not about feeling, it's about the evolution of you to be one of his children. He needs you to understand he wants you on this path. He's never going to trust you with a home if you can't trust him with your life. He's not. My brother Anthony. I echo the sentiments that you said about sharing vulnerabilities with each other. And I've been able to call you as well. And you've offered some insight. We talk about business, talk about life. And on the flip side of what you're saying about you can call me in a dark space. The fact that in your darkness you saw light in me. I can remember a couple of times you called you called me. And you don't even understand how dark my life was when you called me. To give you a visual, when the phone lit up and I saw your name, the darkness I thought I had dissolved because I understood that if you're calling me, I have to get away from my darkness to provide you light. I can't stand my darkness because my brother needs me. I have to get out of this just for a moment. God grant me the grace to just stand this ray. It's a ray of sunlight. Like you see in movies, it's a little crack in the knot of the wood. God move me over so the little bit of light I need comes through this knot, so I can have enough light to provide to my brother in need. At the cost of me, it doesn't matter what I'm going through. I don't need to tell you what I'm going through. It doesn't matter. That's not important. What's important right now is to get you to a better place. That's all that matters. You have taught me how to be selfless in moments to love beyond my own hurt. That is something that you can't find unless you're open to be loved and to love. And I thank you for that. The man in the mirror.
SPEAKER_08Being able to be in that space and understand what brotherly love is. This table is echoing brotherly love. And not a lot of men get to be in spaces where they could be vulnerable, not be judged, but be loved. And we all need that. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. I definitely uh second that. Um same thing. I appreciate and love everyone at this table. And this, believe it or not, is my happy place. I will take this drive anytime.
SPEAKER_05Any particular reason?
SPEAKER_00Set yourself up for that one.
SPEAKER_04I couldn't let off the other side. I was in the train.
SPEAKER_05You're just gonna drop a bomb right there. I tried to bright back off. Wait a minute, you gave me some material.
SPEAKER_07Good cleanup. Whether we're here or in Maryland, it's always a pleasure to be in your company. Just it's never a dull moment. It's never a dull moment. Uh I mean, you guys have helped me with the big things to the little things. We just went through this yesterday. And I didn't ask for the help. It was it was needed. It was much needed. Yes. It was definitely bestowed upon me. From talking about it to you should try XYZ to did you do it? How'd it go? And now I'm sitting here with a smile on my face. So I definitely appreciate you, fellas.
SPEAKER_05The man in the mirror. I pray that everything that you heard on this evening did not fall on your ears incorrectly. I want you to know that everything we said on this podcast is our opinion and we said it in love. I need everyone to understand that you matter. You are enough. If you need to be reassured of that, ask someone that you trust with your heart. One of the other sides to understanding your value is being open for someone to love you through your value. I appreciate everybody tuning in to this episode of Move the Crowd. I pray everyone continues to listen and grow from the things that we are trying to do. And we are definitely done with this episode. And join me for the next one as I do my best to move the crowd.
