"Remove the Crowd"
A thought provoking experience to cover topics and views. Striving to empower a community of people to be better. Say uncomfortable things to bring understanding how to create comfort in the same space ♥️.
"Remove the Crowd"
I Wanna be Loved
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This episode covers our season of hurt and triumph. We open up on how we
got through to be better to each other within our marriage.
Welcome to another thought-provoking experiment to explore the people view topics of the world. We offer viewpoints and opinions all in good faith for the state and group with one another to step out of your box by joining me, your host Fleetwood, to bend the needle because I like to hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to Move the Crowd. And we're gonna dig back into the box, and once again, I have one of my favorite guest, co-hosts, partners, my wife Luciana Spence. Introduce yourself, honey.
SPEAKER_01Hello, and good evening, good people. As he stated, I am Luciana Spence. And uh surprised to be here.
SPEAKER_02Why?
SPEAKER_01Just surprised.
SPEAKER_02The things I go through. What do you mean you're surprised?
SPEAKER_01I wasn't expecting to be doing no podcast. I mean, here we are, so yeah, here we are. Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02So we just recently came out of a very revealing season. And excuse me, I'm I'm absolutely sure a lot of people have gone through it. And I believe a lot of people that we share our lives with, we share our platforms with, uh, my wife says it, and I may not say it enough, but my wife absolutely says that this isn't, this isn't perfect, this isn't everything that you see. We have we have work to do. We do work and we have work to do. So I thought not to use our platform to go inside of a season that required the both of us individually and jointly to fight for what everyone sees. To put value into the optics.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02Because there's always, there's always context, there's always a story to what you see, who should be, that gives this substance. So I thought not to open up a little bit and perhaps by you and I going through some of the um, I don't know what to call it, some of the growth spurts, some of the necessary maneuvers, some of the uncomfortable in the corner out of options. I have to rely on something I've never used before. I think this could possibly help somebody. Um, not necessarily a couple or, you know, a husband or wife, just somebody individually.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02I think the goal for everyone that thinks like you and I is to use our shortfalls and to use our use everything that we do as an inspiration. Because again, we're not perfect. We're not perfect at all. Not at all. But we love each other, and I can proudly say the the season that we just came out of, I feel very confident, comfortable, and proud of how we fought.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02I like that. It was, yeah. That was that was good.
SPEAKER_00It was good.
SPEAKER_02It absolutely was. And before we get started, I'm going to say that I love you. And I knew before any of the seasons and before any of our life began, this husband and wife, that you're my choice. And I've never swayed from that. You've you've definitely made me mad. Or you've exempt you've you've arisen some hurt in me. I'm not gonna say made me mad. I probably responded out of hurt. And um, I'm human, and I'm sure sometimes I've created some hurt in you, but I don't believe either one of us is ever swayed from that's this is it, you're my forever.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_02So I just wanted to absolutely put that out there. You are my forever, always and forever. He waved.
SPEAKER_01Anyway, you're a hater. I'm not a hater.
SPEAKER_02So get back on point here. I didn't take us off point. That wasn't necessary.
SPEAKER_01Okay, what'd you say? You still do it.
SPEAKER_02Hey, hey, hey, don't do it.
SPEAKER_01They hate me. Don't start it. Do it. Go to your corner.
SPEAKER_02So I'm gonna name this I Wanna Be Loved. I wanna be loved.
SPEAKER_01Is that Eric Bennett?
SPEAKER_02Absolutely, faithful and true. So, first question that I'm going to ask. And as as you per usual, we're both going to give our answers for these questions.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02So I'll let you go first. Question is where do you feel the perceived wedge between us came from in that season?
SPEAKER_01Um, I'm gonna say it came from a place of, as you just stated, hurt. You know, with all intents and purposes. I I don't believe anything was intentionally or maliciously done. You know, it was a moment of here I am having to face yet another challenge. And understanding challenges are gonna they're gonna always present themselves. It's just the way you show up in the face of the challenge, you know. So in that in this particular season that we're talking about, that wedge was brought up via hurt, and I can go back as far as saying feeling not a you right, I'm wrong, or I'm wrong, or you're wrong, I'm right thing, but just sheer hurt because in that moment that's what it was. My guess you're gonna say my feelings were hurt. So the wedge of hurt was then created, which then caused the season to be turbulent. But even in the turbulence and the being uncomfortable, unsettling, um that was a moment, that was a moment to be able to see where more evolving and growing needed to be addressed. So it was a wedge of hurting.
SPEAKER_02Okay. So I heard you say your feelings were hurt. Excuse me, is that did I by chance hurt your feelings unknowingly? Is there something that I did to hurt your feelings? Um I'm asking because as we learn each other, as people learn each other, there are things that the absence of something or the oversaturation of something can create hurt.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I I'm I'm I don't want you to sit in the reaction of your feelings were hurt without me understanding if I had a part in it.
SPEAKER_01I won't, like I said, I won't say that it was something that you did intentionally or something that you just did out of just you know wanting to hurt my feelings. It wasn't something that was like, oh yeah, you know, you it was gonna hurt my feelings. And and the honestly, I don't I don't even want to say it was something that you did. It was something that caused a reaction in me that felt like you hurt me. So some underlining other issues pushed to the forefront. This is him hurting me and not so much. It was you, it was some unresolved residue of other things that caused a trigger.
SPEAKER_02Other things of us or other things?
SPEAKER_01No, just other things from my past. Oh again, that evolving and facing that thing or the elephant that's in the room that you don't even know that's still present. So having to face it and figuring what it was and why it was and where it manifested itself from. Because those weren't pleasantries, you know. And then that's I mean, you know, I it's not something I want to experience again at all. But even in in it showing itself, if I don't deal with it, it will come back again. And it may be a lot worse.
SPEAKER_02So for me you just spoke on your feelings being hurt and initially I guess your initial hurt, your reaction made me react. And I didn't I didn't know what was going on. I just realized that my wife is triggered, or my wife is hurt, or upset, or whatever the immediate emotion was or reaction, and I don't know why. So it was it was a double entendre for me because I'm dealing with my wife being hurt or triggered or whatever, and I'm getting the brunt of it. So I'm like, I don't understand what's going on here. And that immediately that immediately made me go into a place of feeling unappreciated or feeling like I do I do a lot of things to avoid the very thing I'm dealing with. So immediately I responded. And um may have came out it definitely had a singe on it. But um I was hurt. Um I was I was that was a deep hurt. I didn't know how to protect and reach my forever. And I just didn't know what to do. So I remember just um talking to different people. This is so this is one thing that solidified you're my forever. I've never ever had myself in a position to talk to qualified men of God or men that loved my significant, in this case, my wife. And I absolutely needed every ear, every thought, and every ounce of love they poured into us and me. Um, as always, Bryant, Glove, even my cousin Anton, Milton, Anthony, all my brothers rallied to us. Um I even spoke to Mr. Saunderson, he poured into me. And um I had to, I thought about something Mr. Saunders said when we spoke on this about he said he couldn't be a better husband until he was a better man of God. And I had to get out of the flesh of me and rely on the spirit of me. God trusted me with you. Good, bad, or indifferent, you're my wife. And once the hardest part was me getting the message to get out of myself. Once the message was received, it was pretty. It was I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it's not very difficult to love God. No, it's not so I uh I had to people like to say dig deep. Nah, I there was no digging because I didn't know where to go. I I can't dig deep, I don't know what to do. I literally, literally had to submit myself. I literally had to give all of my flesh wounds, all of my thoughts, all of what I want to do, I had to get rid of them. And um I had to let God guide me, like, I don't know what to do right now. I know I'm not going anywhere. I know she would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. But what have I done? What have I done that perhaps has not given her the best situation to come to me? So I don't I don't know necessarily where the wage came from. I've to be honest, I really don't care. I appreciate it now that it's on the other side. You and it created a whole segue of the necessity of the man that I am to be the husband that you need. And I'm forever grateful for that moment, for that season. And um this is why we're doing this. We celebrate everything ups, downs, ins, outs. As long as, and I'll say this, I'm gonna say this to you, and you know this about me. As long as you're always willing to grow, I'm always willing to try. Now that being said, it just that just so one one of the one of my igniters for that season was, and this is my flesh, I've I felt like you were trying to make me bend or make me follow whatever you wanted to do when it didn't work. I I felt like you were trying to make me a part of a process that is already proven not to prove not to be good for you. Now you're gonna try to make me do it. That's where the singe came from. And that just wasn't the case. Those are the optics, but that wasn't what it was. So that's what that was. That's where I feel it came from. So again, Sarah Nar. Until the next time, life is gonna always throw curveballs and just gotta be ready for it. But I love my teammate, she always got my back. Do you have any comments about that first question before I throw another curveball at you?
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_02No? Do you have any commercial breaks? You have any shout-outs?
SPEAKER_01Uh, not at all.
SPEAKER_02Hey, Autumn.
SPEAKER_01Really? Any shout-outs? Okay.
SPEAKER_02Okay. So, question number two. What can I do to eliminate making you feel like you need to move in secrecy? That piggybacks off what I said, one of the last statements I made about the first question. When I said, I mean, what can I do to make to make you feel more comfortable?
SPEAKER_01Um, just allow the space to be a safe space to to speak on. Even if you feel like it's something you could wholeheartedly disagree with, just allow the the space to be safe to verbalize it. You know, in order for anything to change, to adjust. The spaces have to be made for those things. So just providing a space where I don't feel like I'm gonna be looked at or judged because of an idea, an issue, or circumstance, whatever it may be. Like you're always the first person I do want to go to. There have been moments when you were the first person that I I've gone to, and for whatever reasons, as we know, life happens. And in those instant moments, I couldn't share it with you. So that that too, you know, not trying to sound, you know, childish, but in those moments too, it causes me to shy away because it's like you are my first, my go-to for a lot of things to share. Good, bad, ugly, or indifferent. It it is it's always you, you know. I I don't want to choose my second chair or anyone else. I want you to hit first. So I I will say for myself, just finding a safe space. And even if I have to come up with something to say, hey, honey, I just need a a moment just to I need to just give this to you and just see where we can go with it. Either we going somewhere with it or we're not. Because we are, we are a team, so making decisions together, deciding things together, being able to verbalize it no matter what it is. Could be me wanting to tell your bee stung me on my toe today. Like, I want to tell you. I want to be able to share that stuff with you and nobody else. If other people get it, you know, by proxy, hey, that's that's a bonus, but I want to share it with my husband.
SPEAKER_02Okay. So what about the uncomfortable things that create the secrecy? What about those?
SPEAKER_01The uncomfortable things.
SPEAKER_02Whatever they may be. I mean that's a that's when you when you when you get to a place, and I'm I'm not being specific to you, saying any man or any woman that is in a committed relationship, and you get to a place, or you never left the place of operating in your own lane without your partner knowing what you're doing. How do I keep you comfortable enough not to go in that lane?
SPEAKER_01What is it that I need and it I won't say it's it's solely on the the other person because it's it's on the individual who has to be the person that wants to share too. Being able to be in that vulnerable space or that open space. Like I said, no matter what the circumstances are, just keeping those lines of communication open. All communication is not bad. Even if it's something we may disagree on, we don't see eye to eye. Just because you don't see it the way I see it, or vice versa, doesn't mean it causes conflict. We just don't see the same things, and we could we should be able to do that cohesively. You know, you're not gonna see what I see sometimes, I'm not gonna see what you see sometimes, and that's okay. But let's be respectful that my optics are not like yours and yours are not mine's, but that's what makes us the unique individuals that we are, and that's what brings our strengths to the table. That's what if I'm weak in the area, you you're strong, and if I'm stronger in the area that you aren't, that that just complements one another. So Realizing it's that yin and yang of who we are, those things that brought us together, you know. So just allowing myself to understand that you are my safe space too. So, like I said, it's not solely on you, it's it's me understanding that no, even if it's uncomfortable, just like conversation yesterday that we were having at dinner. Oh god, now he's looking in the ceiling, like, what am I talking about? Anyway, the conversation at dinner was uncomfortable. For me, it was.
SPEAKER_02Okay, just give me the topic.
SPEAKER_01Um, going back, you know, when I have to go back and revisit abandonment and rejection. Oh, gotcha.
SPEAKER_02Okay, okay, okay, gotcha, gotcha.
SPEAKER_01I'm still working through those words. They still have a sting, but the more I say them, the less the sting becomes.
SPEAKER_02Gotcha. Yeah, gotcha. That was we were that was uh unpacking small layers.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Gotcha? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I remember that.
SPEAKER_01So, and even like I said, in those instances, just being able to share that. It wasn't I wasn't as comfortable with it, but being able to just still voice it, how I felt about it, where I felt like, um, or what I felt like it caused me, or how it what it made me react like. So in those moments, yesterday proved that you can have those difficult conversations and it still be loving. It doesn't have to be disrespectful and disgraceful. It can still be done amicably. So again, like I said, my realization, I used to think that conflict meant the lack of or the absence of caused you something. Yeah. So now I know that that's not true, but again, that's chiseling away at those things that I myself, for whatever reasons, whatever I experience, caused me to see it that way. So, and just being able, like I said, to understand it no matter what it is, I can tell you about it.
SPEAKER_02Okay, okay. So, before I let me I'm trying to really make sure we cover all of this. Um because I'm I'm really trying, and that question is very I try to be specific, but I think it's such a wide range of um it covers feelings, thoughts, and actions. It is so the action portion of it, what can I do that will stop making it specifically to my wife? What can I do to create more room for you to not make decisions without letting me know? That I think that is the precipice of the question. What can I do to eliminate you making decisions that I'm not aware of?
SPEAKER_01Again, I'm gonna go back to being a safe space, you know, from day one, that's how I felt with you. You were my I felt safe. And in certain instances, just for instance, something that deals with I guess finances. That that's a hard thing for me because I've never been financially savvy. So talking to you about it or bringing it to you is like, oh my god, here I go making another stupid decision. Or here I go making think about something that, oh my god, financially is like, don't do that. But out of the fear, because I've already talked myself out of the room, I don't come to you. So, like I said, it's it's not about so much what you can do to create, it's also me understanding that you as my partner, as my husband, as the person that protects me, the person that loves me, just to go into them spaces with you, no matter how ugly I may feel like they are.
SPEAKER_02That's it, yeah. Okay, um, for me. For me, and that's why I kept asking you questions. I was just trying to understand how I needed to show up because that was very difficult for me. I spoke to you a couple of times, and um I do remember speaking, and clearly it didn't work because I spoke very aggressively to you about it. And it happened anyway, so apparently what I tried to convey to you didn't land where it needed to. And I can honestly and transparently say in that season that was the single most difficult corner for me to turn. For me, in my flesh, it presented itself to me as you betraying me, you backdooring a home, and you not taking into consideration anything that I do. I'm sure that that can have the optics, and I probably can say it and and be justified. But in this, this isn't about justification. This is about exactly what I asked you. What did I do? Or how can I give you the comfort you need so you don't feel like you need to do that? So this is one of those things that it's finesse overbroad. I think I was shown that no matter how angry, how aggressive, or just how I felt about it, it didn't compel, I didn't give you enough option not to. It was something I did. So I had to own that. And I struggled, and I really the conversation that I had with you to confront you about it, I was all God. I had I had no way of how to say or how to be able to open up to get you to talk to me about it. Because the goal was to reach beyond myself to love you. It wasn't about I told you what was gonna happen or what did you do that for? It wasn't what it was about. It was about me understanding and me learning to get outside of myself and love my wife. I do forever is a long time. And for me to give you the responsibility of perfection is completely unfair. These are things that we must go through to grow from. The point that I had to learn is how do I show up in a loving way so that she's loved enough to not do it again. I'd much rather it not happen because you know I love you than you not doing it because you're afraid of my reaction. I don't I don't want fear in my marriage. I just want love. That's it. So that and I I can tell you this now. Unequivocally, that single-handedly, a conversation was the hardest thing I ever had to do for a woman. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I've never had to completely ignore, abandon, suppress, walk away from myself to find God and come find you. Well what I wanna be loved. Any comments, any shout-outs, any commercial breaks?
SPEAKER_01Not a one I don't have any.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna have a commercial break right now.
SPEAKER_01Why are you having a commercial break?
SPEAKER_02Because what? I'm gonna promote.
SPEAKER_01Really?
SPEAKER_02Look, after a very long day and you're feeling tired and you want to relax, I suggest you put on your evening wear and you put on some soft music and pour yourself a nice cold glass of 168. It's refreshing, it's cool, and it's a very, very soothing drink that will just take you to a different level. It will help you appreciate the finer things of life. 168 All right, back to your regular schedule programs.
SPEAKER_01Thank you for that. Alright, from our sponsors. 168. All the way, baby.
SPEAKER_02Okay, 168. Dark. Oh lookout for 168 merch. It's more millennial, shout out. You gonna wait my drip from one to ten?
SPEAKER_01Not today. No matter if I'm gonna go back. I'll give you about a 7.5.
SPEAKER_02You said the 10.5? I said the 75. Ooh, I like you. Not today. All right. Let's go with oh, so hold on. Let me let me pull in right here. I'm gonna I'm gonna add lip a little bit before we get to the last question. Let me get out of here. So I mentioned it briefly, but I really want to take some time and really carve out my our appreciation for our village.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_02Um, and and and I'm gonna take a moment to name them. I don't want to say village because village is subjective, but Ashley, Kenya, Ebony, Anthony, Bryant, Milton. I'll talk to Lomax, Mr. Saunders, Parents, Anton, my cousin, um, JD. I spoke to a number of people and speak to a number of people daily that um consistently pour into our marriage and myself. And I appreciate and love all of you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I'm gonna have to add my my my my always go-to Wendy.
SPEAKER_02Hey, Wendy.
SPEAKER_01Anyway.
SPEAKER_02I'm sorry, Wendy.
SPEAKER_01It's alright.
SPEAKER_02Not Wendy. It's all right. Wendy's gonna be calling me. I told I text Wendy, call me. Okay, brother. I ain't heard from her yet. It was like three weeks ago. Oh I think she's racist.
SPEAKER_01Well, that she is not.
SPEAKER_02So you can't prove it.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, I can. That she is not.
SPEAKER_02Oh, oh, oh, and Pastor Williams.
SPEAKER_01Always. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Got gotta yes. Oh, man. That was pow. Yes, yes, yes. Pastor Williams for sure.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_02Cannot forget about him. I will say this. In the in the throes of the storm when the winds were the highest and the rain was the heaviest, and the temperature was the coldest, I thought of my beloved brother Moses, Bryant, and I called my pastor to seek counsel. And my brothers, they they're objective, and and I love them for it, but there comes a time where when you start questioning your ability to be a better man or to be a better husband, always go to God.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_02And and I I thank, I thank Brian for being an example. Um, and I thank Pastor Williams for being available.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_02Um I think Mr. Saunders from the marital standpoint of offering me wisdom from 50 years, and he actually offered to rally around us and offered to spend time with my wife just to give her a different perspective and to give her some stability in this journey. And um listening. Wait, I'm just what?
SPEAKER_01I'm listening. No, no, no, you mumble say something.
SPEAKER_02Did I say the wrong words? No.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I'm listening.
SPEAKER_02No, you now you're really talking.
SPEAKER_01I'm talking now. Really?
SPEAKER_02So, nevertheless, you know, I just want to absolutely recognize them.
SPEAKER_01And um even Lady Sabrina Williams, that's Pastor Williams' wife. I even her being able to talk to her. I I see her. It's more so at work, but even in those moments with her taking out the time when she's there to to pour into me and to speak words over us and to say or give suggestions of how to and what to and how not. Because she has years in this thing. And as Pastor William shared with me, it it ain't always been easy, you know. It is, but it was worth it's been well worth it. So looking to those people who do have the wisdom and the fortitude and have withstand or stood the challenges, the ups, the downs, the hurricanes, the tornadoes, whatever you want to call them. So those are those are the people that you seek counsel from. Because somewhere in there, God has spoken to them and given them some type of wisdom to be able to cross over to where they are now. So, yes.
SPEAKER_02I want to be loved, so do I. All right, third question we're getting out of here. How do we use this season to be better for ourselves and each other within our marriage?
SPEAKER_01Um I'm gonna say from the standpoint of from for ourselves, realizing again the actions and the words that caused the place to be with it, where we were, to be created. Um taking a an account for if and when those things try to arise again, being mindful that hey, you look familiar. Let me let me not talk to you, let me not entertain you because you come with disruption. So putting a a name to it, addressing it, and I don't want to say keeping it in your rear view, but keep keeping keeping it so that it doesn't cause the damage that it tried to cause the first time around. So it is basically sometimes not just having others to rally around you, but you also rallying and pouring into you too, taking those moments in those moments, and they're not the best places to be sitting at. They're not that situation was not no, but even finding myself sitting and seeking God too. Hey, how do I? What is it I need to be doing? It was never about what did you need to be doing in this season? How do I need to show up differently in this? What is it that I can do differently? So when you start getting those answers, and sometimes he may not tell you, but he'll he'll send them people and be like, Well, you know, what did you well don't say it like that. You know, you need to do this. Take that out, take that word out, don't use that word. So he'll send you the people who can help God. Um, for our marriage, um again, us constantly pouring into our love for one another. You know, the the love foundation is, you know, something that can't be dismissed or not attended to. It's like a garden, you know, we have to attend to our love daily. I mean, we say to each other often, when we wake up, this is what we choose every day. We make a decision to be in this, we make a decision to grow in this, we make a decision to be better at this. And again, no, we're not perfect at all by far. So I don't want you thinking, you know, we walk around here with these halos on and we get it right every day because we don't.
SPEAKER_02You don't.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. Stop. But again, just being intentional and for anyone who is facing anything, you know, take those moments to try. I mean, like I said, if you gotta find a safe word to say, hey, we we need to build something different over here in this space and see if we can move it over inside the house. You know, let's take this outside for a second. But this is the space that's safe so we can address some things. And this is not about me being or me critiquing you. This is me giving you how I'm experiencing you, and I don't like how I'm experiencing you because that's not what I want. I know I gotta experience it for some reason. There's a lesson in it, it's gonna be some growth in it, but I don't like experiencing you in this manner. So, can we figure out a way where we can experience one another in a better light?
SPEAKER_02That's big.
SPEAKER_01What?
SPEAKER_02That's all the van's ass up right now. Like that.
SPEAKER_01That was big. That is, you know what?
SPEAKER_02Can't it can't fit in the house, we create a new house.
SPEAKER_01No, it's not about creating a new house.
SPEAKER_02No, no, you're saying in a different space.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because you don't want, I mean, and it's crazy because my angelo said when you allow people to to say certain things to you in a form of disrespect, it damn paints bad marks or ugly marks on your walls, and not the wall, the truth, like you looking at the four walls in a home. It's the walls of your heart, the walls of your thoughts, the walls how you respond. Because now they didn't use these words and use this broad stroke with these words, that those words now have become damaging. So now here you are with yet another trigger, with yet another issue or thing or stain. So again, if we're very who said that, married your black? I said Maya Angela.
SPEAKER_02Oh my bad.
SPEAKER_01What the world? How did you get married? Never mind.
SPEAKER_02Just come share my world.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. I'm already sharing the world. No love, no limit. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02When the women is over here.
SPEAKER_01My God.
SPEAKER_02What's the 411?
SPEAKER_01You got it going on?
SPEAKER_02That's all that I can say.
SPEAKER_01I can't do that. Anyway, stop. Stop what? This is not America's jukebox or whatever you want to call it. Stop.
SPEAKER_02Lincoln Heights jukebox.
SPEAKER_01Okay, Lincoln Heights. But yeah, stop it. Um, but yeah, just just always want to be better. Absolutely. When you get to a place where you feel like there's nothing left. You need to give, you need to really sit down with yourself. And if you and self can't figure it out, when in doubt, seek counsel. Because believe me, there's always something better. We're always growing, we're always evolving.
SPEAKER_02We're supposed to grow.
SPEAKER_01We're supposed to, yes, we are. We're supposed to. We're supposed to grow. You have to be willing to, though. Absolutely. But in order to grow, so you gotta shed some stuff. You can't you can't grow without setting some things. So and that's what I believe this season was for myself. It was allowing me to shed something that was no longer needed, or something that I had been holding on to for whatever reasoning that I felt was suitable. And it's like, no, it doesn't fit where I am. It can't go where I'm going. You can't take that with you. It's like somebody trying to tag along. They like, we going such and such a place. Well, I ain't got no money. Well, you what you what you tagging along for? You pay for you. No, we ain't paying for you to go. It's that one person that always ain't, I ain't got no. So that's my take on take on me. How we can be better for ourselves and in our marriage.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Let me see if I can give this a good old hee-ho. Okay. Don't do that. Don't riggedy roll one. Fuck you hating them. You say the riggedy roll one? Huh? What happened? Wow. Wow. Who said that? Anyway. So with all perceived setbacks, it should be a step up.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_02With all perceived turbulence, you should anticipate smoothness. This was a very pivotal, unavoidable, growing season. For me. I saw remnants of it. I just didn't see it consistently. And I feel like it's my millennial phrase, I feel like.
unknownOh my god.
SPEAKER_01You are not in the millennial lounge today. Okay.
SPEAKER_02Shout out. Shout out to Millennial Lounge. Great New Balance. Hookah's.
SPEAKER_01And Mumble's hoes. Mumbo's hoes.
SPEAKER_02So what I've learned is, as you stated so eloquently, the way I responded and reacted and felt in this season, I needed to share it as well. I needed to get a deeper understanding of how to show up and how to love my wife. My love for you is very specific. And I take pride in investing in how to be a better husband for you. And I'm not focusing on the husband part. I speak and exhaust about the three components of a person. I can't really focus on being a better husband or being a better father. If I focus on being a better man, the other two things will enrich themselves naturally. And I just simply have to hone them or just understand the newfound freedom. I focus on being a better man constantly. I pride myself on being the best man I've ever been with you. I can unequivocally say without any pause, this is the best I've ever been as a man. And I'm your husband. And I feel pretty good about that. That doesn't mean that I don't have some more growing to do. That doesn't mean I still don't have obstacles. I still don't make mistakes. It doesn't mean any of that. It just simply is my reality of hey, this is the best you've ever been, felt, shown up as a man. I do it for my parents. I want them to understand that all of their love and support hasn't gone out the window.
SPEAKER_00Not at all.
SPEAKER_02Of course, we do it for our children, however despondent they may be. But you know, um, even whenever they come out of their season to come around, I want to be able to look back or look at or see the legacy that I so diligently attempted to carve. Um marriage is a beautiful thing. And I'm saying that from the other side of how it feels to be cared for, how it feels to be respected, how it feels to be honored and loved by your person. It feels different coming from you. Love from you is the best it's ever felt. A simple how was your day? Sounds the best coming from you. It's the best it's ever sounded to me ever. Because I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. So everything you say, everything you think, everything you do means that much more to me. Marriage with you absolutely is the best thing about my life. Absolutely. Unequivocally the best thing.
SPEAKER_01Captions? What did you say? I said I'm not gonna lie. Don't do that. Do I need capture?
SPEAKER_02Hey, what did you say? I'm sitting right in the front of you and understand what you said.
SPEAKER_01Don't don't do that. Don't don't don't come across that table like that. And that season we were in, you know, and them throws. Whew, them waters was choppy.
SPEAKER_02And what?
SPEAKER_01The waters were choppy.
SPEAKER_02Oh. They needed to be.
SPEAKER_01They did. I'm not saying that they, I didn't say that they didn't.
SPEAKER_02Let me put my little service, my little service, public service announcement out there.
SPEAKER_01Please do.
SPEAKER_02So just to revert right back to that season. I'm gonna say this. For me, I don't know who needs to hear this. There are times where I hear people pause for a second. I hear people say, you don't want to see the old me. Or be glad I'm I'm this or I'm that. And what I need you to understand is it's not the old you. It's still part of who you are. It'll always be part of who you are. You're just making a conscious choice to operate on the other side of the spectrum. That person is always there. And I use this analogy for me, and it also allowed me to give my wife some grace. The person that I've been working so diligently to become and to love my wife and to love our marriage and do everything I can, in the moment in which I felt it wasn't being received, or when I spoke to my wife and I let her know, hey, I feel like this, and I'm not saying she did, I felt like I wasn't being heard. In the moment in which she's speaking about it being choppy, the other side of me stepped in front of me to protect the new me, to give me cover to get myself together. So the enraged portion of who I am stepped out in front of the more transparent me, because the more transparent me still didn't have the tools to navigate the choppy waters. So the the quote unquote old me stepped in front of the new me. And he said, Hey, I'm right here. Let me speak on this while you get yourself together. Was it a proud moment for me? No. Did it feel good in the moment? Hell yeah. It felt good to feel like I was heard. I'm not promoting that. I'ma say that sometimes on either side, when your person doesn't has not or does not understand, or you feel like you're not being heard, that person may come out. And I need you to understand that that doesn't justify you staying behind that person for a long period of time because it gives you a momentary burst of comfort. That's not what it's for. As I said, it's for you, the new you, to gain your composure and to get back in the fight. One thing you're gonna have to learn when you when you raise yourself up and talk to the old you, this is like Gemini, Tom and Jerry, the two little angels in the gun.
SPEAKER_01Believe me.
SPEAKER_02When when you come out and talk to the old you, you have to let the old you let you have to let them know look, I'm not gonna need you like that moving forward.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna use this moment to understand how to protect myself without having to call on you. I appreciate the fact that you're still within my neighborhood, but I'm not going that side anymore.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I appreciate the fact that you felt like you heard somebody breaking in my car and you came downstairs. But uh I got GPS and insurance, I don't need you to come downstairs no more.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02That was a freeing moment for me. And I touted and I said, I remember I said to multiple, a multitude of my brothers, that's in me, I never wanted my wife to see. I didn't want you to see that. But in turn, I guess I may go put it on God. I can't. Situations just had that part of me seep out. Again, am I proud of it? No. But given the context about how I understand about what it was, I needed that because I didn't have the tools to understand how to protect myself in the realm I'm in now. And the way I need to protect myself in the realm now is I don't need to protect myself. I need to always be conscious of making sure I respect your space and giving you the space you need so you can be a better wife and be a better person, and vice versa. Protection isn't needed, should not be needed between you and I. I don't need to protect myself from my wife. My wife is me and she is I. I don't. I don't need to do that. We're one and the same, we're interchangeable. So as we go through this season of miscues and we've gotten away from it and we've out of it, I feel a whole different proclivity of love for you. I am, I see a different gleam in your eye, a different smile, and I can see the weight off of you. And um, it's a very humbling thing.
SPEAKER_01As was this experience or this season, very eye-opening and humbling. And again, it you know, it wasn't to, it's it's not to make it seem like we were, you know, at a place where we was gonna try to, you know, claw each other to death or anything like that. But this was a new space, again, to now put different things in place. So we are a better US.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01You are a better you, I'm a better me. Um, and we still got growing to do.
SPEAKER_02We do.
SPEAKER_01But again, as we we forge on in this journey and being blessed to be the individuals that we are, who God decided to bring together, we're gonna continue to choose this love, our love. You know, again, finding a way that makes it amicable and making it applicable to us. This is us. This is not, you know, the Huxtables. This is us. So, yeah. Again, I wouldn't have wanted to go through this with anybody but you. Had it been anybody else, them running shoes would have been on that one. Like, I'm out. Really? Can we please need you do balance out of this, please?
SPEAKER_02Again, that was about in my commercial break. You got you told me you gotta do it. I don't have to do it because you all right, all right. Um you ceremoniously just laced them right in there.
SPEAKER_01Hey, and then it's in this here. My grandmother said, Shawnee, you can't keep running. This one you're gonna have to face. So, you know, she's not here, but just having her wisdom and falling upon some things that she had written, you know, that throughout that season was it was needed. She was right there, her words written on paper. And it was like, wow, you do you, you, you, you want, you like this union. Okay, grandma. We good, we're gonna be alright.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we're gonna be alright.
SPEAKER_01So again, just choosing us, choosing our love. And again, no, we are not perfect. So if you got in your brain that we're supposed to be perfect, or oh my god, y'all not supposed to go through that. Yo, if God wants us to grow from some stuff, He will send some stuff that we will grow from. It's not gonna always look pretty in the beginning or beautiful, but once we come out of the storm, it's gonna always be beautiful. Even while we in it, it's beautiful. Because it's us, it's it's a new way of loving. That's right, it's a new way of being. So I'm in this with the right person, nobody else. Nobody can grab my attention like he does. Nobody can get on my nerve like he does. But I wouldn't want it no other way, though. Yeah, he has a way of getting on my nerves, and not enough, I'm not saying that like it's a negative thing. It is. It is not get on your nerves. You do. You can dance on my nerves. Keep on dancing though, baby. I love the way you dance on my nerves. I do, I love you.
SPEAKER_02Above a solicitation, no baby.
SPEAKER_01Well, don't do it.
SPEAKER_02So you can do a commercial like you just you just did a commercial about dancing, and all I saw was Gregory Hines. You show my peanut doing the heat.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01But I do. I love you. I'm trying to super gourny. Whatever.
SPEAKER_02I love you too, baby. Anything else?
SPEAKER_01No, I don't have anything else. Are you sure? I'm positive.
SPEAKER_02Well, I am super duper excited about our season. Yes. I am ecstatic about how we came out of it and the woman I see in front of me. I see the growth and I see a whole different approach. I appreciate that. And I only pray that I am humble and receptive enough to respond correctly to give you what you need. Um, you might you you my everything, I'm telling you, is I wouldn't do this without you. I wouldn't. I can't go anywhere. Um I'm I wouldn't feel I wouldn't feel right not being with you because nobody can treat you like me. You'd be ruined if I left. What? Just you know Okay, it's not that funny.
SPEAKER_01You say nobody can wait.
SPEAKER_02Nobody can treat you like me.
SPEAKER_01I don't know what I'm saying. What are we talking about?
SPEAKER_02Any of it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02How about that?
SPEAKER_01I mean, hey, you have set the standards very high, so I mean, I can't even disagree with that at this point. And I'm gonna concur. Catalog very can't do do what I do, so therefore. So Vinice, good.
SPEAKER_00I guess.
SPEAKER_01Ain't no, I guess. You're right. Exactly. Ain't no one but me. And she is me.
SPEAKER_02Well, I'm glad you understand that. Yeah, glad you know that. I'm glad you own it. And it looks good on you.
SPEAKER_01Thank you.
SPEAKER_02I do what I can for my card.
SPEAKER_01Okay, you know, can we get can we here we go? Never mind. Never mind.
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01Never mind. But I do. I I appreciate this journey with you. I do.
SPEAKER_02As are you.
SPEAKER_01I thank you for pushing me to grow.
SPEAKER_02Well, we're gonna get to the end of this now, and I appreciate you being on the set with me.
SPEAKER_00Always.
SPEAKER_02I pray that everything that we said was felt and met with love as no mouse was intended. Always go to God. We love all you guys, and thank you so much for joining us as we move the crowd.
unknownMy heart takes its chances just to be.
