In this episode, my inspiring client shares her experience of losing her partner when he heroically fell in Gaza protecting Israel. Soon afterward, she began her healing boudoir experience, which helped her move through her grief and reconnect with herself. This is truly a story of the resilience and beauty of the human spirit.
I would love to hear from you on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/rebeccasigalaboudoir
In this episode, my inspiring client shares her experience of losing her partner when he heroically fell in Gaza protecting Israel. Soon afterward, she began her healing boudoir experience, which helped her move through her grief and reconnect with herself. This is truly a story of the resilience and beauty of the human spirit.
I would love to hear from you on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/rebeccasigalaboudoir
Hello there. For those of you who are new, welcome to The Body Image Revolution. And for those of you who have been with me for a while, it is so good to be back. I'm really glad to have all of you here today. Today's episode is featuring a very special client of mine, Najma. Najma lost her beloved partner Yoni on December 8th, 2023, when he heroically fell in Gaza, protecting our country. When she contacted me a few weeks after he passed, we began a healing boudoir journey through the ebbs and flows of her grief. It is truly unlike anything I've ever witnessed. And I'm just beyond grateful for this platform to be able to share her story or really help her share it. While you may think that we're about to share a sad story, I think you'll be surprised to hear about joy, embodiment and love, even self-love. So here it is, guys. I can't wait for you to walk away feeling as inspired as I was. Hello!
Najma A:Hi!
Rebecca Sigala:How are you?
Najma A:Been good. I mean, it's been a long few days just, uh, actually facing up with reality and, uh, dealing with all of it, but it's been weird, like, realizing that it's been six months with everything and just a lot of reflecting back on life. A lot of yeah,
Rebecca Sigala:you find that these memorial days in Israel are important to your healing process like what do they offer you because you mentioned now you're kind of catching up with reality does that have to do with the memorial days that are happening.
Najma A:I have never. Celebrated, marked, whatever, a memorial day before in my life. Like, I Yeah. I'm very disconnected from this whole part of the world, coming from, very hippie family Berkeley. Yeah. All of that stuff. We never really had any connection to it, especially not growing up here in Israel. And coming here, I was moved straight into kibbutz life, and it was very small, and it was small market ceremonies, but nothing big. My grandfather also, he lost a lot of his soldiers when he was in the army himself. He rarely ever celebrates the day and doesn't go to the Andalusian and all of those things. It's just kind of a familial thing of we don't do these kind of things. We celebrate it at home. Everything's maude polonie and internally done at home.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah,
Najma A:very much the typical. And then
Rebecca Sigala:how was this year different for you? And then we'll go back and we'll talk about your story and your background and I want everyone to really get to know you because I've had the Honor and pleasure of getting to know you over the last seven months. And I feel like every conversation that we have is just so deep and beautiful. I'm so glad that you're on here today and just thank you for being here. I'm so excited to be here.
Najma A:This, honestly, this whole process has felt like this, bubble wrap that's keeping me from absolutely going out of control and giving me such a safe space to be able to process everything through and just kind of keep this lens on it. But yeah, I mean, this year, obviously with the war and all of the general stuff that's been going on with it, this Memorial Day has been a very big emotional shift, but losing Yoni and having someone who is the closest loss that I've had in my life and within the context of all of this, just shifted everything and a lot of things. A lot of my thinking and priorities have changed and everything about him and just trying to keep his memory alive. So this year, like, there was a million different things of things happening in Jerusalem. Ceremonies at Tel Aviv University. Ceremonies in Ramat Gan in Tel Aviv. They spoke there about him and his life, and I end up going with family and friends and we're all just together. And from there was just little group of us that went to another ceremony together and when sat together at home afterwards to just be together that I feel like that's such a big thing of these last six months is just being together and finding all these pieces of no matter what shit each one of us is going through individually. The collective and the community has been ringing as just the power to get through all of this.
Rebecca Sigala:That is really so amazing. Can you tell us a little bit about Yoni, who is Yoni? What is your relationship with him and just a little bit about him and, and what he brought to your life?
Najma A:So Yoni is my partner, was my partner, still struggling with the past tense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, he fell in Gaza on the 8th of December,
Rebecca Sigala:second
Najma A:candle of Hanukkah, and he was just absolutely the most amazing person. And I know that everyone says that, but he genuinely had. The most amazing heart of every day. I find out more and more things that he had done before I met him that he had done on the side and just not even spoken about because it was so nonchalant and second nature for him. But he grew up in a Christian family in the States and ended up deciding to convert to Judaism when he was at the end of high school and in the first years of his first degree. Wow. Through New York. Yeah. But he really, even before then, he was doing blanket drives for homeless people, collecting donations for food, doing really everything he could. And his first introduction, within the Jewish community was working with Holocaust survivors. Going to sit with them, bringing them food, helping them, just talking to them, all sorts of things like that. And through all of that, he started getting into the Jewish community and learning about the faith. And in 2019, he ended up coming to Israel to do birthright trip, and after that, met me in my army position, which was It all
Rebecca Sigala:starts with birthright.
Najma A:Yeah, so Sombrero instructor. And it's basically a program that brings volunteers from all over the world, usually people who are pensioners, so around like 65 plus, and once in a while we'll get some youngsters. So I got this group of a bunch of older people and Yoni in it. So we were in a gas base up in the north of Israel, and we just had this, instant connection. It was of those people that you look at, and from the first second you know, you know that they're meant to be in your life. We also, we ended up sitting on base until like one in the morning, every night, just pouring our hearts out, laughing at the top of our lungs being absolutely insane. Um, so yeah, so when he went back to the States, it was one of those things. Most of my volunteers is very passing. Hi, hi. I'm friendly with them. Some of them will message back and. I'll stay in touch with them. And there was a couple of times that he'd message back and we were texting back and forth. And at some point during COVID, he messaged me and he's like, yeah, I'm doing a master's degree in Tel Aviv university and I was like, Oh, great. So you need a place to stay? He's like, actually that's what I was messaging you to ask. I was like, do you have any leads? Anything? I was like, I'm moving into an apartment. Move in. I love that. So just completely out of the blue, I remember running to my dad being like, Hey, listen, I found a roommate. And he's like, what do you mean you found a roommate? You're stuck in the basement. No, listen, it's great. I've met him. It's, we've lived together for a week. He's awesome. It's like, all right, I guess.
Rebecca Sigala:Go for it.
Najma A:And on his end of also, all his friends were like, what are you doing? You don't, you haven't seen this apartment. You barely know who this person is. You're moving to a new country. What do you mean?
Rebecca Sigala:You just trusted it. It felt like the right next step.
Najma A:It was, it was it. I don't know how to explain it. It was one of those moments within life. It was like, this is it.
Rebecca Sigala:Wow.
Najma A:Yeah. Um. I know those
Rebecca Sigala:moments.
Najma A:So we ended up making Aliyah to Israel on October 7th, 2020. A fantastic date. It was during COVID, so it was quarantine, um.
Rebecca Sigala:On October 7th, 2020? Yeah. Wait, that just took me a second to process. Oh my god, okay.
Najma A:Yeah, and two weeks later he moved in after quarantining and it was I just remember those first weeks of we barely had furniture in the apartment. We're sitting on my floor, eating random things, making food every night. Um, I'm sitting in the corner reading my books, trying to deal with setting up everything since I had also just moved in and he's doing classes for university in my room, making faces at all the professors.
Rebecca Sigala:So yeah.
Najma A:So he finished his degree, he did, uh, emergency and disaster management and then decided during that time that he was going to draft into the army.
Rebecca Sigala:How old was he at that time?
Najma A:So he drafted Oh lord, I think he was 23 when he drafted. Okay. Yeah, he was 23 when he drafted. He didn't speak any Hebrew when he made Aliyah to Israel. So that first year was private lessons in Hebrew and just him working his ass off. By the time he finished university, he could already pretty much hold a conversation in Hebrew. Within like He sounds
Rebecca Sigala:like such a doer, go getter.
Najma A:The second that he decided that he was going to do something, come hell or high water, he would do it. Whether it was a stupid decision, whether it was a great decision, he decided it, it was happening.
Rebecca Sigala:And I remember you telling me that you kind of balanced each other out in that way.
Najma A:Yeah, he was very much the balancing force of the calm to my emotional terror, and I was the balancing force of calm to the physical terror that he would do on everything around us. Oh my
Rebecca Sigala:god.
Najma A:Yeah, there were countless times that I would come home to Randall Apples being thrown around between him and my roommate, or just deciding to light things on fire in the middle of the living room. It was great.
Rebecca Sigala:Oh
Najma A:my god. Definitely one of those living with a voiceover.
Rebecca Sigala:He sounds so awesome. Such a special person.
Najma A:He was such a light and joy. Like I, I sit just listening to videos of him laughing of just, there was just like pure childish unobtrusive joy that would come out of anything and he would just be able to make all of these situations light hearted and just had this energy around him that everything was going to be fine.
Rebecca Sigala:That is a special person. That's very unique. So, okay, so then, October 7th happened, and what was his mindset around this war, what was going on with you and your lives at the time?
Najma A:So, we had been going through a lot of stuff. He also was very back and forth and had seen a lot of things during his army service that hadn't sat right with him, with a lot of things that were going on.
Rebecca Sigala:Um,
Najma A:and was a bit, was a bit ready and out of it during the end. He was also like ready to be done with
Rebecca Sigala:his service.
Najma A:Yeah. Ready to be out of there and not be dealing with a lot of those things. And he was supposed to be understandable in January 24th. And just, it was one of those things of within that week, like we had literally talked the weekend before of, What we were gonna do and just talking about keeping his head down and getting through it and the fact there's a few months left and everything's gonna be fine. We'll hold shit together. It was a very stressed time also just for me and my life of all this bullshit that seems absolutely ridiculous now And it's been put into perspective of all of these fears and stressors So just like at home everything had also kind of been a lot to deal with and all of a sudden that morning I guess we had gone, to celebrate the night before at our best friend's house. his birthday is October 7th So our really close friends are together, and we were always just the four of us. So we went over to their place, and it was one of those nights that just, everyone ended up showing up. People
Rebecca Sigala:who never This was Friday night? This was the day before?
Najma A:Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:Okay, got it.
Najma A:So everyone was coming out and we were just hanging out, sitting, having heart to hearts, having the time of our life, and we managed to get a photo of our entire friend group that night, which is like, never happens. That never happens. Yeah, um, and we all went home and woke up to sirens on October 7th, and I just remembered Waking up and not understanding what's going on and I'm like running downstairs and just like no Iran hacked us This isn't real whatever and Yoni's they're just like, okay. I have the bags ready. I have all these things I'm looking I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, what do you mean? How are you going? What do you have ready? Well, I'm going back to sleep. Yeah Okay,
Rebecca Sigala:it's a siren Yeah, go back, sleep back there. He just,
Najma A:and he's just like, he is like, it's fine. Okay. We're good on his phone, dealing all these things. I'm still half asleep out of it. Don't know where I am. I went back to sleep and he's just running around the apartment doing all these things. I fell asleep until the second alarm, the second siren came on, and then I started understanding that something's going on. I'm looking at him, I'm like, what's happening? He's like, we're at war. I was like, what do you mean we're at war? He's like, we're at war. do you not know what's going on? I was like, no, I was asleep. I mean, he did his degree in emergency and disaster management, so dealing with emergency disasters was quite literally what he had spent his degree doing and training for here in Israel.
Rebecca Sigala:So he,
Najma A:from the get go was very much ready to go. And the second everything happened, just like his top priority was I, I cannot stand for people and their own countries being hurt and not being safe. And everything went off out the window. There was definitely that struggle of back and forth of genuinely him believing that every human can be saved and that every person is truly and inherently good and giving, I've seen him giving people who very well, who do not deserve it 10th 12th chances of just opening up his heart to believe that people are good, are good. And that there is always a reason for what they're doing and why and trying to look from their perspective. But at the end of the day, he couldn't sit by and not do something. Especially when it was all of his friends who were also going in there and being with him within this. But yeah, so he was doing a lot of things on the border and going up down from Lebanon and back down to Gaza and Half the time I knew where he was, half the time he was like, listen, I'm somewhere, but I'm safe. So I know little bits and pieces and also now I've had a bit more of his writing, but a lot of the things that he wrote was more of What he was feeling and processing through in those days. And he, he
Rebecca Sigala:was writing, through the time that he was there.
Najma A:He always wrote. He was a writer. There's pages and pages of things. So there's an entire notebook that I have here that was from before the war of just, Things that he was going through, like little pieces that he wrote to random people, and there's also another notebook, which I'm about to start reading through and slowly, which is more of his time actually during the war and all of that.
Rebecca Sigala:What a blessing that you have that piece of him still here. Like, really a piece of his soul.
Najma A:About a year before the war, he wrote, again, with him being paranoid, a letter to basically friends and family. It's like a page letter that he wrote to all of us.
Rebecca Sigala:It was just before the war.
Najma A:This was in 2022. Wow. I mean, also, at that point, he already had a will written up, so What? At 22, 23?
Rebecca Sigala:what? The will,
Najma A:the original will was written when he was 20. Wow.
Rebecca Sigala:I was not doing that at 20. That is impressive.
Najma A:He was more organized than all of us.
Rebecca Sigala:Yes.
Najma A:So yeah, so he had written that letter kind of to everyone, and then underneath it written each one of us. So like he has to his grandma, to his parents, to his brothers, and to me, wrote these little pieces. Um, and then with that, there was another note that he had written during the beginning of the war to me, and over time of taking his room apart and all of the things, I found also a letter that he had in his wallet that he had written to me when he was in basic training,
Rebecca Sigala:um, and
Najma A:he walked around with it in his wallet. Yeah, just all these little bits and pieces of, um. Just sitting there and looking at his handwriting and reading through and so much of what he wrote in the letters that he, that he knew there was a chance that we would read once he died of just telling us to move on and to be okay and not, not move on in the sense of leave it behind and forget it, but I don't want you guys to suffer. I want you guys to keep on living wholly and fully and loving and being happy. Just and keep on going for him.
Rebecca Sigala:How has that been for you to have that after he passed away?
Najma A:I, I, I cannot be more grateful. I really do not know where I would be if I didn't have that. just having those. last words, even our last conversation that we had, like, we didn't have much time. He was on the bus and back and forth, then I could barely hear him. The reception wasn't going through. So there was like the little seven minute phone call that we had of just like the last time I heard his voice and the last text message. But there is something in having that piece of paper that he wrote on that was, that was meant for this moment.
Rebecca Sigala:It's almost like, I don't know if we resonate with this, but like making sense of things that just don't make sense.
Najma A:It also really feels just like he took my hand and he's leading me through this. I was just like, he's, he's always been there. He's
Rebecca Sigala:holding your hand for a degree. That's really beautiful. Really at the hardest
Najma A:moments, he is there standing behind me telling me that I'm okay.
Rebecca Sigala:Really, really powerful. I'm really, really sorry that you lost him.
Najma A:Yeah, I've, I've been going a lot through within these last few days of, Trying to more outwardly process the grief and like I said, I've also I didn't used to write and everything since has just been like writing and processing. And I'm like, okay, if he did it, I want to do it, getting everything out onto the page, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. But one of the things. That I was like, that before everyone was like, grief changes. What do you mean it changes? In the beginning I felt it so deeply. it's just insane. Like, you can't explain it. Just everything.
Rebecca Sigala:I can imagine it being such a physical pain as well.
Najma A:It's such a physical pain of just also with, Just time stops, everything gets a different perspective, time stops, everything feels like it has a different texture to it almost. It
Rebecca Sigala:doesn't feel real.
Najma A:And everyone was like, oh, grief changes, grief this, grief that, and I just, I keep on feeling like You're like,
Rebecca Sigala:whatever.
Najma A:I'm like, I don't want to hear you, what are you talking about? But I feel like I totally get that. It's been like six months, almost, we're a few weeks off from that, it really does change. It shifts in this really weird way of I almost miss it because it's that grief and that pain that reminds me not only how much I loved him and, and don't have a place for that love, but of the fact that I got, I got to be loved, I know we had fights, we got on each other's nerves, we would yell at each other. But I have never felt that much genuine love from someone and like I feel like being in that
Rebecca Sigala:being in those first moments of grief was just really a reminder of what he meant to you and your deep connection. Wow.
Najma A:And I really am lucky to have experienced that and to have had someone, it's just absolutely so amazing that I am grieving like this and that it hurts so much because they're not, like, I, I, I know that not everyone has that privilege to have that absolute joy.
Rebecca Sigala:Right. And it hurts so much because you loved him so much and he loved you so much. Coming from this place of love. We have to remember that. That's really, really huge. Okay, so he fell on December 8th. That's what you said, right?
Najma A:Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:And then what were the next couple weeks like for you? I think we, when did we speak?
Najma A:Mid December? I think it was mid end of December.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Najma A:But I just, that entire timeline is such a blur. I mean, the first Weeks was just, I'm gonna get to tomorrow, and I mean, I guess it's still kind of the same now, of, it's just, alright, we made it through this thing, next up, we're doing this now, okay, next up, everything's one by one. It's, I'm picking up my foot, I'm putting it down, and I'm gonna keep going come hell or high water.
Rebecca Sigala:Really so strong. It's crazy how resilient human beings are. It's really crazy. Yeah, I mean, okay, so you booked a discovery call with me and I got on the call was, you know, excited about talking to someone about their war experience. And I'm always ready for, for Really deep conversations and tears and things like that, because when we're talking about sexuality and we're talking about our body, it's so much comes up. But then you said that you had just lost Yoni a few weeks ago, and I just, I had no words. And I kind of was in that moment with you where it felt very surreal, yeah, that happened. And somehow I'm living and I think you even started working again and, and moving not forward, but just doing the motions of life. And I really could understand in that moment how surreal it must have been. And let's feel for you.
Najma A:Yeah. So I also, I had started university 3, 4 days before he got killed and was working at the time. So I work in a preschool and I'm doing my bachelor's in education right now. So, and both of the things go very hand in hand and both together is full time. So I had a week off. for the funeral where we had flown back to the states, spent four days in Rochester, buried him and came back. And two days after that, I was back at work in school. It was kind of in this place of I. I can't stop. I was like, I knew that if I stopped, I would not be able to get back up. It was just this nagging feeling of I have to keep going. I have to do this, especially because I have been in one way or another running away from getting my degree for so long.
Rebecca Sigala:Um, and it
Najma A:was one of those things, uh, that Yoni was very much like my number one cheerleader and everything,
Rebecca Sigala:um.
Najma A:Being every time I was like, scared of applying to this or doing that step, he was like, alright, I'm opening your computer, we're doing this, we're gonna get you there. Like out of all the things if he is, if he wrote to me telling me that I am going to be okay and he wants me to keep on doing this.
Rebecca Sigala:Am I going to be okay?
Najma A:He would have slapped me upside the head if I had quit.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Najma A:So you
Rebecca Sigala:really had his voice in your head as you continued to live.
Najma A:Yeah. So that, that was my biggest driving force of continuing to do things. And working with kids has been, it's this little light that keeps me going because I can see that there is still hope for the future. And it's just like this pure untouched joy, which really It is beautiful to see every day, even on the days that I come in bawling my eyes out still.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, it's really so special to see the purity and the joy of kids it's really a beautiful thing to see.
Najma A:So a lot of that was what kept me going through work and school, but within the whole thing and re figuring out this new life or continuation of life, chapter two, has been, everything's kind of in a bit more of a perspective.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Najma A:Um, as much as I've had people around me pass away and. Death is not
Rebecca Sigala:so different. He was such a part of you.
Najma A:But it just, it changes perspective when you realize that someone is standing before you fully alive and happy and healthy and in a situation that, that there isn't something that was even prepared for, that there's a possibility that this can happen. Even within the context of a war, my brain was like, it's not, it's not a possibility that it's going to happen. He's fine. it's him, obviously. And just of having that gone within seconds, it's shifted a lot of things and put a lot of new priorities or not de prioritized a lot of things.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Najma A:So that kind of was a lot of the reason that I also turned to you of
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, I was about to say like I've been wanting to do a photo shoot for years. It's such an unfortunate way to, gain so much perspective and, clarity about who you are and what you are and where you're going.
Najma A:Yeah. It it awful.
Rebecca Sigala:Awful.
Najma A:But it's a life lesson, and I really am trying to deal with it. It really is that Yoni is getting me through this. No matter where he is, he's the one pulling me through this.
Rebecca Sigala:I really, really feel that.
Najma A:So there's these pages that he wrote. His uncle that basically raised him had passed away when he was in late high school, and he dealt with a lot of that grief through writing. And it's just been, insane looking back and, reading how he processed through it. And a lot of it is just, so parallel to everything that I've been dealing with in the emotions that have been coming up for me. And just being able to, read that and be like, okay, he did this. He, he was doing this. he, he wrote me the instructions of how I can deal.
Rebecca Sigala:That's really calming or reassuring. So I don't think most people, you know, in that situation, and this war would be, I mean, let me back up a little bit, even for me, this is what I do. I've been doing this for over a decade. When October 7th came around, I just went straight into survival mode and there was a few days Maybe you know almost a week that I was just like no one's gonna do a blue bar session for another year there's no fucking way I can't even I'm just trying to get through the day I'm trying to you know, make sure my kids are safe at my husband went to Marlene and I'm sure, you know, other people have it worse than me and other people have different situations than me. And I just can't even imagine how my work would play into this. And I'm like, I really, I sat with it for a little bit and I was like, wait, no, this is actually the most important time for this, but even as I moved forward in my business, I was still really careful and sensitive about the way that I was sharing it and selling it and, and, and working. Just because this is such an unprecedented time and I wouldn't have imagined that someone In your situation would be thinking about food war. And now that you went through this whole experience, it makes so much sense. Do you mind sharing kind of how it came into your mind and, and what you were thinking that you wanted to get out of it at that point?
Najma A:So. I, in the beginning, it very much wasn't what I'm going to get out of it. I feel like everything just kind of landed into place and ended up coming together. But I saw you had posted on Bellevive, the Facebook group.
Rebecca Sigala:Bellevive, love it.
Najma A:It's where we find everything.
Rebecca Sigala:Yes.
Najma A:I had started following you on Instagram and then saw all of the IDFY, uh, photo shoots that you were doing. It was such a beautiful idea. And I really I've been thinking about doing a photo shoot for 10 years within this context or within that context and every time there's
Rebecca Sigala:just something that you wanted to do.
Najma A:Yeah, I was like, the timing doesn't work. I can't afford it. I can't do this. I can't do that. I'm not going to make it there. And just all the logistics of it's not going to work out. It's not feasible.
Rebecca Sigala:It's so funny what our beliefs or our fears pulled us back from doing and looking back you're right some of those things just seem so silly like I'm not gonna make it there what
Najma A:yeah and then it really was I was like what what does it matter I was like I I've made it through the worst thing ever there it's everything's ended I can do anything at this point wow which those first few weeks of it was just I Whatever. What does it matter? everything can end within a second. What is gonna happen?
Rebecca Sigala:The thing that you wanted that you were afraid of before, you aren't so afraid of anymore. Is that right?
Najma A:I don't know if it's not afraid of, but the fear itself is put into a perspective of, like, okay, I'm scared. What am I gonna do about that? It's not going to go away. If I'm not going to do anything with it, it's not going to change. I can accept that it's there and I can run away from it, or I can go face it because it's going to be there whether or not I like it.
Rebecca Sigala:That's a very profound understanding of your own fear.
Najma A:Yeah, so it's just a lot of that of like, all right! Keep it coming. I was like, I have dealt, I dealt with this. I'm dealing with this. I can deal with everything else too. I was walking in the street. I was like, all right, I'm just going to message. I was like, I'm just messaging her. And then literally you were like, all right, zoom calls. Like, Oh my God. Okay. Zoom call. All right. We're doing this.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Najma A:And then we really, we sat down and within seconds of just talking and you explaining that it's not just a photo shoot and that you have your whole process and everything that's done Which I hadn't known about before and all of a sudden you're talking about all these things I'm like, oh my god, wait. Yeah that that's what I was waiting for. I'm like, that's what I wanted. I don't I don't actually just want to do the photoshoot, yeah, the photos are awesome, I'm gonna look really cool, but, hold on. All of these fears of, like, how I'm gonna be behind a camera, what am I gonna wear, what am I gonna do, and, all of the fears of, like, the photoshoot itself, started coming up, and I was, realizing all of these things behind it, like, I hadn't processed that those were the fears that were behind this of the logistical fears. I think
Rebecca Sigala:that's really, I think there's for a lot of women, there's this desire to want to be photographed and be seen in this way, see themselves in this way. But they're like, okay, I want to do this photo shoot, but wait, why do I want to do this photo shoot? And who is it for? And do I really deserve it? And all these questions are coming up and then the fears come up and then they just shut it down. They're not really understanding what those fears are or what's the value of going through the fears and coming out on the other side. So having that conversation, I think for everyone, I just want them to gain clarity about why they want to do it and not what they want to get out of it in a goal oriented kind of way. But What do you want this experience to be like for you? And what are the specific things within yourself that you want to work on? And you were just so real and open and I felt that connection right away.
Najma A:So I also I had come into that session without even fully processing what I want to go through and there was just Something so powerful with how we were talking and the entire conversation that came up that really within that conversation, helped me process through. I was like, Oh, okay, hold on. This is what I'm actually dealing with here in the background and taking that moment of pausing, which has been the, I feel like the overall theme within everything that we've done.
Rebecca Sigala:I'm like,
Najma A:yeah, having that moment to just breathe and like, okay, we're right here. We're right now. Let's deal with what's going on in this second, and just accepting it, and being okay with the uncomfortable, with the whatever, and just figuring out what's going on.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, because as much as it was important for you to keep living life, it was also important for you to be able to be in the moment, and know that you can actually handle all of those emotions that will inevitably come up.
Najma A:Yeah, it was, a lot of the process was just grounding, and even before he passed away, one of the biggest things for me is just feeling, so disconnected, which was a lot of my emotional dysregulation in the months beforehand of not being able to find this place within my body and feeling not at home in my own home, not in a sense of even being Being uncomfortable with my body itself, but just not listening to it and to what I need and everything got so much more dramatic and in my face after the fact of
Rebecca Sigala:That makes a lot of sense. It's like those things don't just go away. Yeah, those things they become louder when you go through something. It's like, hey, wake up, listen to me.
Najma A:Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:And yeah, I mean, I think people also don't think about body image in that way, where it's just like, well, body image is how you think about the way that you physically look, but it's not just that. It's also how you relate to your body and how you listen to your body, how you think of it, what your relationship is like with it. And those are the things that you were really wanting to happen to was listening to your body and your intuition and being able to be connected to your body and in the moment.
Najma A:Yeah. That was a lot of just. Getting back. And also, we talked a lot of, I grew up in very, hippie, open family with a lot of body positivity. And, that side of things was something that actually was within my world.
Rebecca Sigala:Right. Like, you mentioned that you went to, nude beaches or what, what did you say that you did? Yeah, nude
Najma A:hot springs. I grew up in the nudist community. I love Thateveryone. Always talked about like I had a new, I had a naked mom. She walked around the house naked. Like that was just normal. When you're cooking, you put on clothes.
Rebecca Sigala:And by the way, I really felt that during your session. I was like, oh my gosh. She's so comfortable being naked, I love this so much, and. It's really, it's so nuanced because there's that piece of, feeling comfortable naked, but then being comfortable in your body or comfortable with your sexuality, it's a totally different part of the same idea. Does
Najma A:that
Rebecca Sigala:make sense? Do you resonate with that? It
Najma A:was something that I was really, Starting to process through within the sessions and all of that of realizing the different places of it because also I think I had told you this in the beginning of a lot of my issues with ignoring my body and just kind of shutting down and not listening to it started happening towards the end of high school and moving to Israel and just losing that kind of community that was like minded and all of that coming to a bit more of a conservative environment.
Rebecca Sigala:Just being in Israel is more conservative than most places in the world.
Najma A:Outside of my little bubble. Yeah. But just all of these little insidious things that you hear thrown out of comments of Oh, if you've gained weight or girls that are bigger than me being like, Oh, I've lost weight. Look at me and all these things of, Oh, did you lose weight when you haven't? And just because I'm wearing something different. Or telling me, oh, you look amazing when I've been sick for two weeks and haven't eaten. Yeah. And it's just all these little comments that I knew that they were affecting me and my way of dealing with that was just, I'm going to shut it all out. If I can shut it out, if I can build this wall up, everything will be fine and it'll protect me. Which didn't scavenge control, but it ended up leaving me in this place of Just such a complete disconnect from my body that, to the point that I can barely, actually process the fact that I'm in pain. Like, I can be in pain and, be on my period and end up taking, three Advil's and be like, no, I'm fine, it's cool. And just having, such disconnect between my body, which is who I am, it's, it's what takes me through the day, it's what gets me up in the morning.
Rebecca Sigala:Was there a thought process? Like maybe not so consciously, but just kind of like, okay, the world is like this, totally entrenched in diet culture and obsessed with adherence and like, that's not important. And I'm not going to care about that. And so it also kind of became well, my body is not important.
Najma A:It very much was. It was like everything, it doesn't matter, everything's not in my line of sight, and is going to be ignored, and everything will continue being fine. It was very much like Right, because
Rebecca Sigala:if you focus on that, then those comments and the diet culture and whatever, You feel like those things will, come up, I look at my body, I think about my body, then I'm gonna feel self conscious, or, I'm gonna feel a feeling that I don't want to feel. Got it. Makes a lot of sense. I mean, it's really deep. It's really deep, but it makes a lot of sense.
Najma A:Yeah, so that was, a lot of the process of, Trying to, take a minute and also within, within all of the grief, a lot of things of time doesn't matter. Everything kind of slows down. The idea of, like, future and, next and all of that has taken a big back burner. But, it's so much tied into also of me wanting to slow down because in effect, I had slowed down. But not in a conscious way and not in a way that I was actually present in this moment. And there was something within the process that I was like, I need to not just be floating along. I need something that's going to be able to help anchor me in this moment. So that at least if I'm here, I'm here. And it's just been these little things of, within the whole process, you gave me the assignment to do a morning routine, which I took as more of a night routine since I'm not a morning girlie. Of having these little moments that I can just sit and be, and it's definitely with my ADHD and I can't consistently do anything has been taking very different forms during the week and throughout the months with how I've been doing and dealing with everything.
Rebecca Sigala:I remember when I asked you, you meditated or Do you do journal prompts? You're like, well, you don't need journals. Maybe I should start journaling.
Najma A:I have never in my life finished a notebook and I am almost at the end of the first one after six months.
Rebecca Sigala:Oh my god, that's amazing. That is so amazing.
Najma A:But it's just like all of these little moments now that I can take time to just sit and be without feeling guilty about it. Like, I had last week, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, I took myself to Tel Aviv and I just sat on the beach to watch the sunset. And each time I sat there for like, two, three hours. Of just, this ability to just exist, which I feel like, in so many people's lives, regardless of war, not war, wherever you're living, It's
Rebecca Sigala:so difficult. Everything's
Najma A:become so fast paced, and like, on to the next thing, on to this flashing light, or that ad, or this store, or that whatever of, I can just Social media. Social media, very much, like, those quick serotonin, uh, intakes, and it's just been, I, I can genuinely just, I don't feel like there's ever been a time in my life that I've learned to just exist.
Rebecca Sigala:And so it seems like it was a lot of different things that were going on in your life that helped you lead to this point. How did, this process that we went through together, how did that help you just be able to exist?
Najma A:I mean, I really felt like after every conversation that we sat and had, it gave me, another level of clarity through what I'm doing, and I, through the process itself, a lot of the things, like, okay, I'm doing this here, I'm doing this here, and I was like, I was working on building the skill up. And then a few weeks later, the, like, process behind it almost started settling into place.
Rebecca Sigala:So I remember
Najma A:when you gave me the nighttime routine, I was like, okay, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I was like, all right, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. And everything was very, technical and laid out. And then all of a sudden after, a week or two of having it and realizing what within it was the feeling. It almost gave me the ability to practice something. And then all of a sudden I felt the feeling that I was looking for of that, like, okay, I can just be, and then taking that and running with it into all these different places of how can I take this energy that I built up within this space and bring it into other spaces.
Rebecca Sigala:That's so beautiful. So it sounds like it really gave you The structure and permission. Does that make sense?
Najma A:And also just having someone to bounce off of and be able to have like with our, I love the communication between us. There's something, it just flows back and forth. That feels, it feels like I'm talking to a mirror that's being like, Oh wait, yeah, that one that and being able to stop you at those points that I'm like, Oh wait, you're right. That, that is what my brain's getting stuck on. Um, just having that other person to be able to really bring to light everything that's going on within the process and to focus me in on things. Since I always I go to the million places and I'm like, all right, I'm going to do this thing and that thing and this thing and that thing and that thing. I'm just like, okay, wait, hold on.
Rebecca Sigala:How can I?
Najma A:We're taking it in. We're zeroing in on the one thing and we're gonna do that.
Rebecca Sigala:I like that you use the metaphor of a mirror because I feel like that is so much of what I do in my coaching but also for sure in the photography as well and I think so much of healing is having that mirror and having someone to reflect back to you who you are and what you're saying and a lot of the most healing moments are things that you already know so deeply inside of you. And it's just brought to the surface.
Najma A:Definitely. Like that moment of all of these things, I've known these things. I've done evening routines before I've had my friends take pictures of me. I've had conversations,
Rebecca Sigala:but
Najma A:there's something when everything is so focused and you're dealing with it within this closed safe space that allows those feelings to almost just float around and be within the environment. And you can more, I don't know, safely, but like, deal with all of the separate things and really slow them down and put all the pieces back into place together. It allows, yeah, it allows a space that everything can just fall into place and where it was meant to be.
Rebecca Sigala:Hmm, I love that so much. I remember that moment in one of our calls where we really realized the whole thing was slowing down and being able to be in your body. And then we spoke about how we want to artistically express that in the session. And it just felt like, Oh my God, this is it. It was such a incredible moment. And We started to think about, okay, you're like, well, I kind of want to go back to my more natural hair color. And I was so excited when I saw all your tattoos and piercings, because I'm like, that's going to be such a fun edgy session. And then we're like, okay, yes, that's so much a part of you, but we're going to strip it down to that, like your body, the things that are already there, the piercings and the tattoos, but don't need more than that. Like don't need more than that. I was like, A mask, you can actually just be and exist as you are. And so we talked about, yeah, doing that and doing more black and white photos and having it just be a really raw, authentic session. And it was such a, just a cool experience to go through. How did you feel about it?
Najma A:It was amazing. I remember going into it. I don't remember if it was in the first or the second session that we were talking about it, that I was saying that I have all these sensory issues with my clothes and things not sitting right. And this Stitch I'm like, we don't need clothes. That thing, I'm like, I'm talking about it. I can already feel my bra strap just talking about all these things. I get it. The first few weeks I was like, okay, but what am I gonna wear? And bir and I'm, you need to go buy lace things that I'm gonna need to deal with things. And just all of these things are around of started stressing me out. I don't think, okay, wait, hold on. I'm not dealing with that. She said that we were gonna do costuming, all the things in this last session. We're ignoring it. We're doing this thing right now. So I also remember coming into that last session with you of being like, okay, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know this. And then we're talking about things. I'm like, wait, I, again, I already know this internally. I don't need all of these extra things. I'm going to wear that bra that has been comfortable on me since I was 14 years old, because it still works. And just all these things of like, okay. None of those things matter. Those aren't like
Rebecca Sigala:my first reaction when someone's like, I don't like the feeling of clothing. I'm like, let's not wear clothing. Duh. You know? But I think people have this perception of what boudoir is or what sexy is supposed to be. And we got to let all of that go and just be like, what actually feels good for you. Obviously what looks good for you too. You have certain tastes and aesthetic things that you're drawn to, but. What feels really good and what feels like you and liberating
Najma A:the whole process. It was just like of the what feels me was so prevalent of just, I don't know how to explain it. It was taking off the mask. The mask of all of the accessories and the jewelry and all these things that I have this curated set that I always have and every morning switch out my earrings or do this and just all of these little things that I think about so much in my presentation of day to day life. Also, because looking more alternative in Israel definitely get the looks. So the way that I present myself is so highly prevalent in like, every time I step out the door.
Rebecca Sigala:People are going to make comments, people are going to look,
Najma A:it happened. Everything is always very conscious when I put it on my body when I go out, but more in a sense of presentation. And then all of a sudden having this place of, I'm not presenting for anyone. I'm not doing this for someone else, the point of these photos, I'm not about to go post them in the middle of Kikaldi's and go off and be like, Hey, bad example right now. And just be like, Hey, look at me, I'm like, this isn't an ad for something this is for me. I am trying within myself to see myself. I don't need all of these other things. There's no reason for me to judge myself. And just having that moment of I can. It for me doesn't matter what I have on, like I can take all of these bare bones off and all of these extra stuff that is not going to help anyone.
Rebecca Sigala:That's so kind and loving to yourself as you were saying it I was imagining Yomi saying that to you or your best friend saying that to you like you don't need all that You are amazing as you are, and it sounds so cheesy or kind of lofty like this idea of self love, but that's really what it is.
Najma A:No, it's the radical acceptance of self.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Najma A:So I feel like that was a lot of the whole process and really just getting to the last session and Actually meeting you and starting the shoot and all that of being like, okay, I can just breathe I can just be and there's something within that experience and having that space to just feel That I can exist with no pressure from anything around No, i'm not dealing with all the spheres and all the things Everything's okay. Everything is okay
Rebecca Sigala:right now.
Najma A:Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:In this moment. Yeah. No, I really personally resonate with that. Okay. So then we had all this amazing crap and incredible connection and these calls and you were doing all of these things leading up to your session. And then the day of the session comes and what was your experience like with that?
Najma A:It was amazing. I remember the weeks before there was so many scheduling things with work and people missing and trying to move things around, trying to make things great. I remember you were
Rebecca Sigala:like, can we move it? And I was like, we could, but I feel like we shouldn't.
Najma A:Yeah, it was just one of those things like, okay, everything feels like it's so hectic and that and I just, I got to the studio and everything is quiet and calm and I was like, okay, I'm here. I made it and everything's fine. And I remember it was just such this fun experience of coming in and doing the hair and makeup, which also is something that I never get done. I don't think anyone's done my makeup since I went to like high school prom. Um, I'm just having this moment of like, okay, I can just be here for me and deal with, I'm going to deal with the things as they come up. And I was just sitting there and just. It was just this instant feeling of comfort and also everything in the area is absolutely gorgeous So, I don't know how you can't comment on being in the studio. But yeah, I don't know everything like all of the fear I love
Rebecca Sigala:also the makeup was really just so natural but enhancing of all of your features Even just thinking about it now. I'm like, oh, it's so pretty it was just perfect
Najma A:Yeah, so it really was, it was just this moment of like, the second I got there, I was like, okay, we're good, everything's gonna be fine, everything's gonna be super chill,
Rebecca Sigala:all of the fears
Najma A:of like, how am I gonna present myself, how I'm gonna pose, what I'm gonna do, everything just felt like it settled into place without needing to fight it or deal with it.
Rebecca Sigala:I think having the awareness that you had of like, Well, yeah, that's also why I'm doing this, you know, like these fears are the reason why I'm doing this thing that's scary and why I'm doing this thing that brings up all of these thoughts and ideas for how things should be. And I want to actually surrender to this process. I actually do want to let go of the control and just even just having that awareness, I think makes it a little bit easier to be like, okay, I'm I'm okay. I can do
Najma A:now. There was a lot of that of just. I didn't feel like I needed to be in control. I'm very messy. I'm the control freak. I need everything to be sat in place. I'm holding it down. Everything's fine. I would have
Rebecca Sigala:not, if I had not met you before the actual session, I would have never thought control freak. Ever. you were just going with the flow. you love the hair and makeup right away. we just, you know. It started going into the session, I would, you know, pose you and guide you, and it just kind of, it all came together. It wasn't like, okay, can I see this picture? Or, I didn't feel any of that sense of, you needing the control in that moment.
Najma A:I feel like this whole process with you has very much been, Everything just falling into place of all of these little situations where usually I need to be controlling because I have this fear over this or this isn't going to go right and just being able to have that trust with you of having someone who's working with you that like I feel like you get it from the beginning you understood where I was coming from and all these little thought process and it was just like I could I could just be you. Yeah. so much.
Rebecca Sigala:It sounds so simple and it's just so powerful and deep and exactly why I do what I do. It just, it fills me with so much joy and the sense of alignment, which I think was kind of like this theme throughout your whole journey. I get so much out of it, too, just being able to be there and see you exist and be in your most powerful self. Okay, if I'm muted, this is amazing. And we actually haven't even spoken about this so much, but just through WhatsApp when you, you know, you saw the gallery for the first time. And yeah, I'd love to hear a little bit more about what it was like, but also what role it played in this whole journey and all the things that we've been talking about.
Najma A:So the weeks after like I had the Polaroids and the first photos and it was just the
Rebecca Sigala:Polaroids are so good
Najma A:So I have them in the little folder and they're just sitting on the side and it was something like every once in a while I felt myself because within the whole process leading up to the photo shoot Like we were meeting and we were talking and there was all these things and then afterwards I kind of threw myself back into my life and it was also very hectic few months at that point of kind of just getting my head down and dealing with things and getting through it. And I kept on going back to those photos of having a place like okay, you know, where I'm. Very, I'm determined to keep this going. I'm determined to keep the, that calm and that place and connection
Rebecca Sigala:with yourself
Najma A:to like, keep that connection with myself. And even if I'm not able to fully give myself what I need at this moment to still allow myself to feel what I need and to be listening to my body telling me this. So, that was coming up a lot and just having that place to be able to have that physical reminder to go back to that and just. Calm down for a second. Nothing's gonna run away from me. Another day, another ten minutes is not going to be life or death, and it's gonna be fine. I'm just really keeping that, yeah, just keeping that alive and having that reminder in front of me that, that it's okay. I've done it. I can't do it again.
Rebecca Sigala:Right. Like the actual pictures were, the Polaroids that you had at this time were a reminder of that. Yeah. Like you could kind of because you had the pictures, you could access that feeling again.
Najma A:Yeah. And then so you ended up sending me the pictures. Like I, I opened up the email that you sent me, when I was sitting on the flight, right about to turn airplane mode on, I was like, oh my god. Um, but I ended up, so I flew to Spain for a week and I met with her. I know.
Rebecca Sigala:I was dying.
Najma A:I was like, what? how have you not seen them yet? So I got there and I was fully ready in my head to be like, okay, we're going to have like my way of traveling. I love traveling, doing stuff. And then I've got like afternoons, evenings that I'm sitting, chilling. Um, but I got there the first day and all of a sudden me and my daughter doing all these things and we're going out and he is very much the party kid, I'm the calm one. I'm the old lady, but we had just this insane, First day and I remember getting back to the hostel in the evening And just having this moment of a down of all of this was supposed to be happening with yoni Like he was supposed to have gotten out of the army We were supposed to travel this passover and like and then all of a sudden having this trip that usually i'm so used to traveling alone And doing solo trips to traveling and doing with my dad and doing it with a partner and To have someone to bounce off of and all right, what are we doing here? What are we doing? Was such a highlight of him and who, who was supposed to be there and just this whole slew of emotions came up and I was like, okay,
Rebecca Sigala:I feel like these things just hit at such unexpected times.
Najma A:Yeah. So that whole trip, everything kept on coming back to that moment. And it was one of those, really weird, back and forths of, I really wanted to see the photos, I was like, I've been waiting so long to see them, and I just remember having this moment of like, okay, hold on, this is not what this was about, this entire process, like, yeah, I wanted the photo shoot, but this process wasn't about that. I was about being able to listen and give myself space and deal. So that realization on the first night also very much kept me going through the trip of usually I'm the one who's like, I've got three museums a day, I've got this restaurant booked out for here, I've got this here. And I was like, I don't want to do any of that. I was like, I have a week off for the first time since everything happened. And I was just like, I'm just going to let go. They're going to be there.
Rebecca Sigala:I can't believe that was the first time you really had time
Najma A:off. Yeah. Five months after it was the first time. Wow. Yeah, so it was just, it was, and you were like,
Rebecca Sigala:I'm going to listen to my body
Najma A:and just have that moment of like, it might be what I want. This is not what I need right now. And I also knew I was like, if I sit down and go through these, on my phone when I'm stressed about time and all these things, I was like. That's not what I want out of this. that's not how I want to experience these photos. So I ended up coming back home and then finally found a time to sit and look at them. And it was just insane. I remember sitting and looking, I was like, Oh my God, wait, this it's me. I was like, that's what I look like that. that's how people see me of just so much of. Within disconnecting from my body of like not being able to visualize myself and what I look like. In my head I'm just this amorphous blob. I am a consciousness in an existence. And then all of a sudden seeing this photo of it's not even a mirror because in a mirror you're moving and you're like this and this is here. It's not a mirror.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, you're right.
Najma A:And it's just such a pure way of being able to look at yourself, especially when most of the photographs were in nude and everything's black and white. So there's not all this distraction and all these things going on. And it was just this moment of like, Oh my God, wait. I'm here. I'm, I did that. I was like this insane. It was another,
Rebecca Sigala:it was another layer of connection to yourself, being able to, I think, really just see yourself as you are in the physical body.
Najma A:Yeah. Yeah. So also I sat with a couple of my friends to go through the photos and it's just How is that?
Rebecca Sigala:That's so fun.
Najma A:I, I mean, it was awesome. All of my friends knew about this whole process and I would talk to them about it, but I don't know. It was just so fun, being able to sit down and all of a sudden people were like, Oh my God, wait, but this one's amazing. And that one, and just getting to like back and forth between also talking about all these things of hearing my different, my friends have their perspectives of how they see me. It was just this really weird experience of like, oh, that's how you see me. And I, cause I don't see myself always like that. I'm like, I see myself with this and I see myself with that aspect of myself. And all of a sudden being like, yeah, those look like your eyes in this one. I was like, that's how you see my eyes. I was like, wait, that's like, I don't see that. Oh
Rebecca Sigala:my god, your eyes, they're amazing.
Najma A:I'm thinking of a photo that I'm just like looking at the camera and I can see them. But yeah, so I feel like even within looking at the photos and choosing them, it was very much like that moment. Of, okay, I want to do, I want to do this, and I want to get it done, and it's gonna do this. I'm just like, no, slow down, take a breath, everything's still gonna be here, nothing's running away, we're gonna do it.
Rebecca Sigala:You consistently went back to the reason why you were doing this, and you stayed connected to that throughout the entire process.
Najma A:Yeah, so it is just been it is one of those things where really somehow the photo shoot itself is what got me here. But at the end of the day, that wasn't the thing within it that I ended up actually meeting out of all of it. Yeah. It was part of this whole process and everything that was going on.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Najma A:But by itself it was just another tool to be able to help me practice everything that we had talked about
Rebecca Sigala:1000%. Like that's really the photo shoot. I really do see it as this practice or this embodiment, experience, where it's like all of these things that we talk about, now we get to put them into play. And then, you
Najma A:definitely texted us on that one also.
Rebecca Sigala:Oh yeah. Oh my gosh. Wait, you can talk about it.
Najma A:I remember some of it. I, I also, I feel like you were so stressed about it. I was just in my like, I am calm now. I was like, I, we were
Rebecca Sigala:so calm. You were doing what we needed to do. And the batteries weren't working. Yeah, the battery and and then the stereo. I kept having to go back to my office. Okay, one second. One second, it took I don't know, maybe five or ten minutes to actually start the session, but for some reason it was stressing me out, and then We got into, the flow a little bit, and I was like, wait a second, I don't need to go anywhere, I always, take the entire day for my clients, I didn't book anything else that day, because, you know, you never know, people might need a little bit more time, or something might happen, or someone might be late, so I just, I give all the time that we need, and I'm not going anywhere, you're not going anywhere, I reminded myself of why you gave, and why I do what I do, and it was That's a breath of fresh air to just be like, right. It was really just reminding myself and saying it out loud, reminding each other that this is why we're here. And I think you said it, like, it doesn't have to be something that you just check off your to do list. this is an experience. We're here right now and yeah, it was just a really beautiful moment and it really set such a perfect tone and so, so incredible that we actually did have that test in that moment so that it could teach us in the future, if that makes sense.
Najma A:No, I feel like that very much, it solidified everything. I feel like if everything had, gone as planned, it would have been like, okay, yeah, so I would like, we did it, everything's cool. But something about that, feeling of okay, universe is testing us. We're doing this.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, and also it's not just you who struggles with that. it's such a human thing to struggle with being present, being connected to your body. And knowing that we're kind of, in it together, I think, is powerful.
Najma A:Yeah, I feel like that very much like with all of my friends that I'm talking to during this time that being present and that struggle to be able to be present with everything that's going on and to really face because to be present, you have to face reality and just having those little moments. And being able to go back to those places is so powerful right now and in general.
Rebecca Sigala:So where are you right now in your journey of connection with your style of your grief of your existence? How would you describe where you are now and and where you are headed?
Najma A:I think the closest phrase that I've gotten to describing where I am right now and just kind of rings true within every aspect is bittersweet. But just, within everything of, there's so many things that losing Yoni has taught me and given me, in an insanely messed up way of being able to really have this, mirror put up in front of myself of who I am and what I want and what's, you know. What's important to me and what I value, truly, not based on all of these outside perspectives and whatevers and feelings of priority or guilt around things, versus It's really trying to learn how to live again and dealing with the fact that I'm still struggling to get up in the mornings and get food and all of these things of just having that duality of things being good and life still going on and being able to have that joy alongside a world that feels like it's crumbling away. So a lot of these just moments of being able to sit and slow down, find me in the places of just all of the grief catches up to me and being able to let myself have that space, like to genuinely allow the grief to have its space versus trying to fight it and push it off and not deal with it, just being given that strength and that place of self confidence that even within a This is hard. This is struggling through the worst things I've done and gotten through. I can't. my body is strong enough to get me through this.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I feel like you're just not as, I don't know, fearful as the word, but you are more understanding of your capacity to really hold that duality and to hold the grief and understand that you even need that to go through it. And it seems like you're not as afraid of it.
Najma A:Yeah, it's been a lot of giving myself compassion and the understanding that, again, that he would have given me, of just being able to take that moment of, it makes sense that it hurts, checks out, that's what it's supposed to be doing right now. Like,
Rebecca Sigala:this is Like, the compassion and also, the credit, like, I'm so strong, I'm so resilient, I'm able to handle this, does that resonate as well? Yeah.
Najma A:It really does it's these places of I'm working still on the compassion and being able to see what I've already done. Um, but that place is of, I can do it. This is, I've done it before. I'm going to do it again. I woke up yesterday. I'm going to wake up today. And there, there's going to be good things in between.
Rebecca Sigala:I can imagine looking back on these images will be a reminder of all of that as well, because we did it during this time.
Najma A:No, it really is just this little, it feels like a time capsule. Like, I have the memories are so tied into one another of, like, thinking about the whole photo shoot and all that process and just everything else that was going on. It's going on and being able to be like, okay, I can hold all of these things. Together, all of the bad, all of the good, they can exist in the same space and they can feed off of one another. And I don't need to fight it and try and be like, Okay, we're only gonna deal with the good, this is the only thing that's gonna happen, and also not let myself sink into only the bad and the pain and the hurt. Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:Absolutely beautiful. Yeah, it's been such a incredible experience for me as well to walk alongside you on this journey. And I just wanted to thank you for everything that you taught me and continue to teach me about all of the things that we spoke about, and specifically about healing and through this grief, and this period that you're going through, I feel like I have such a deeper insight for that now and I really appreciate your openness and your, your trust.
Najma A:I honestly could not have accidentally chosen anyone better. Every step of this process has been, everything in the universe has fallen into place to where it's supposed to be. Just getting to work with you and having someone who is so open and you really, like, even the experiences of, yours that you've shared with me have built such a comfortable, amazing space that has allowed me to open up, like, I open up to everyone about, all the small details and all these things, but having that place of, being able to, like, emotionally be open, not just with, the, I did this, I did that, and, like, the technical parts.
Rebecca Sigala:Right. To feel, To feel open and to feel safe. Wow.
Najma A:Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:So beautiful. It feels very, very meant to be. And not accidental.
Najma A:I, I don't think anything's accidental at this point. If anything within this year has shown me, shit or not, it's the universe gets us to where we're supposed to be and puts the people who we need in our path.
Rebecca Sigala:I feel like that is just the perfect way to end this conversation. Is there anything else that you want to share or any message that you have for people?
Najma A:I think just really being able to love yourself within the context of who you are and not trying to take all of these outside lenses and perspectives and everything that's thrown upon us of loving yourself is such an intrinsic personal thing. That everyone comes to in such different ways and from such different places. And I think being able to find those little ways to exist within yourself, because it's you and yourself at the end of the day, you're going to be with you forever. And just being able to have that safe space within your body to call home is such a well of power for everything else.
Rebecca Sigala:Affects everything.
Najma A:And it really is like, I feel so much better within all these different things and I feel like I have the energy and the ability to do all these things because I'm not fighting myself on it.
Rebecca Sigala:You're not in, in battle with yourself. Anything. Thank you. so much for being on my podcast for agreeing to share your story. I know that we're going to get so much from it and be so inspired like I am. And I just I hope that we continue to be in touch because this has been such a special experience. And I just can't imagine not talking to you again. So I really hope that we get to. Stay in touch and stay connected. And I'd love to hear where the rest of your journey takes you.
Najma A:I love that. It's been awesome talking to you and having this whole experience. I think it's amazing to have the podcast and everything that you talk about on it. It's just, it's amazing to have it out to all of these people, especially all these little intimate moments that are usually so kept inside and kept behind closed doors.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, totally. I think that's what really, Draws me to my work or subconsciously drew to me to my work in the beginning, where it's like, I get to see the inner world of people. It's not just this facade or, you know, what everyone wants other people to see. I get to see who people really are. And being in that space, I feel so much more alive. Like, I feel like this is what life is supposed to be about is we're supposed to be ourselves and we're supposed to feel connected and we're supposed to be present. And so. I think my sadness or my pain, it comes when we're not in that place and we're not connected to each other in that way. So yeah, I get to do that all the time and you're right, the podcast gives other people the opportunity to kind of get a look into other people's inner world as well.
Najma A:Yeah, but no, it's been incredible. I'm so happy that I got to know you and that I get to talk to you about everything. Every time we talk, I feel like just so many more things come up and it's just always a pleasure.
Rebecca Sigala:You're amazing. I'm so much, I'm so much love and respect for you. I'm really in awe of you. Thank you so much, Najma.
Najma A:Bye.